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emiadegorbon · 8 years ago

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Hobbit: Battle of the Five Armies {This is the story of how I died-and used a lot of cuss words because I am over-excited} [SPOILERS]

I just watched BotFA for the first time and I swear every time Tauriel came on screen I wanted to shout,

“WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH?”

And I was really pissed that Kili died for her and not defending his uncle Thorin (as well as Fili, fuck Azog) like the honorable cinnroll he is.

I WAS REALLY SAD THE BIRDS WEREN’T IN THERE THE BIRD THAT CAME AND TALKED ANDTOLD BARD WHERE TO AIM THE BLACK ARROW LIKE THAT PART WAS REALLY COOL.

I was also sad that Bilbo didn’t spot the eagles first, but that’s nitpicky of me. Just because I drew (no, literally I did a 12x10 pencil sketch) that moment doesn’t mean it had to be in the movie. [recap: JUSTINCASEYOUDIDN’TFUCKINGBELIEVE]

That twerp whose name I can’t remember who was this cowardly piece of shit did nothing in the whole movie but make us fucking hate him. Every scene it was blatant discount Wormtongue. But we saw Wormtongue murder Saruman. This assbag did jack-shit. [recap: his name is Alfrid that motherfucker]

WTHA FUCK WERE THOSE BIG ASS BATS?????

How come Dain was completely computer created? Did Connolly just not want to be there? If you put him in a beard, HE WOULD LOOK LIKE A GREAT DWARF. Oh. Oh wait. Was Dain at the Council of Elrond? THIS EXPLAINS IT.

DWARF MOUNTAIN GOATS EX MACHINA.

Why TF did Thorin stand there while Azog floated under him? Like that son of a bitch couldn’t break through that ice? BITCH U HAD IT COMIN.

So I think I remember from DoS that Legolas has a crush on Tauriel but it’s a fuck idea because she ain’t in LotR and I think she would be if this happened.

NOW FOR THE THINGS I’M NOT BITCHING ABOUT:

Some may think that Legolas wasn’t in the book but gUYS I THINK IT WAS GREAT WE SAW MORE BADASS MOVES AND WE SAW THRANDUIL WITH HIM AND THEY MENTIONED HIS MOTHER

WHICH, BY THE WAY, ADDED MORE TENSION FOR THRANDUIL WHICH WAS BRILLIANT

AND THE FACT THORIN KICKED AZOG’S WHITE ASS WITH LEGOLAS’S ELVEN BLADE WAS THE BEST FUCKING THING EVER I DON’T EVEN HAVE WORDS TO DESCRIBE THE MINDBLOW.

When Thorin tossed the boulder into Azog’s hands and stepped off the ice tip I LAUGHED SO FUCKING HARD, THORIN LOOKS SO SMUG.

Thorin watching Fili die killed me. hE WHISPERS HIS NAME BEFORE RUNNING OFF, I AM DEAD

CAN WE TAKE A FUCKING MOMENT TO JUST APPRECIATE THE BREATHTAKING JOB MARTIN FREEMAN DID. EVERYTHING. ESPECIALLY THORIN’S DEATH WAS EXCELLENTLY EXECUTED HE KILLS ME

I was really happy Bilbo sobbed because it was at that point in the book I had to stop and whimper it was just really important to me okay and I am grateful from the deepest recesses of my soul.

“Nothing gets past me.” “Except a big ass elf army, iT APPEARS,” said Bard as he stared at a host of armored elves two inches from his face.

Thranduil is cold af but AT THE END WHEN HE TELLS LEGOLAS TO NOT ONLY SEEK OUT ARAGORN (I FANGIRLED SO HARD, IT MAY NOT BE IN THE BOOK BUT IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME) BUT HE SAID HIS MOTHER LOVED HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I THINK I STOPPED BREATHING. ALSO THEIR FAREWELL WAS MORE TOUCHING THAN TAURIEL KISSING CORPSE GERMS AND ALL THEY DID WAS MOTION WITH THEIR HANDS - STEP UP YOUR GAME, BITCHSTRESS [recap: I am not name-calling Kili]

BEORN JUMPED OFF AN EAGLE AND TURNED MID-AIR AND LANDED ON THE BATTLE FIELD AS A BEAR LIKE A FUCKING BADASS [recap: BEARDASS]

I was laughing so hard when the Orcs came out and everyone was standing in shock, Dain was like “FUCK YEAH I CAME HERE FOR A PARTY AND LOOKED WHO SHOWED UP - YOU WANNA TANGO MOTHAHFUCKAHS?”

AND THEN THE DWARVES RAN RIGHT UP THERE AND CREATED THIS DWARF SHIELD WALL IT WAS SO FUCKING COOL AND THEN THE ELVES JUMPED OVER THEM AND IT GOT COOLER I SWEAR MY ARMS WERE THE SOUL OF A GIANT SQUID.

I got way more excited about Billy Connolly being Dain than I care to admit - I am not kidding my parents looked at me as if I was have a seizure.

ELF ARMY IS THE FUCKING COOLEST, THEY PART AND FALL BACK PERFECTLY AND I THINK IS HAD A TINY FANGIRL HEART ATTACK WHEN THEY TOOK OUT THEIR BOWS AND AIMED AT THORIN AND THEN THRANDUIL MOTIONED THEM TO PUT THEM AWAY IT WAS SO COOL.

“THROW HIM OFF THE RAMPARTS,” [Me; in narrator voice] and he just about did.

Thorin’s Dragon Sickness was mindblowing. I hated Thorin and pitied him and had hope in him all at the same time and it was PERFECT. HIS DRAGONS ICKNESS VOICE THO. THE SPECIAL EFFECTS. DAYUM, PETER YOU KNOW UR SHIT.

AND THORIN’S WALK OVER THE GOLD WHILE THE VOICES RING IN HIS HEAD AND THE DRAGON SLITHERS UNDER HIM AND THE GOLD SWALLOWS HIM UP -and then it shows him far off just FLIP OFF HIS CROWN IFUCKINGDIED. [recap: know ur symbolism, bitches, it breaks hearts]

NDTHEEENNNNN THORIN KISSES HEAD-BUTS KILI AND I WAS HYPERVENTILATING BECAUSE OF THE CUTE. THE ACTING. I CAN’T.

Oh and Dain just CASUALLY headbutts orcs WITHOUT a helmet my mom and I giggled forever.

When Gandalf arrived at the crime scene, my mom leaned over to look at me and she goes, “I WAS GONE FOR TWO SECONDS.’”

GALADRIEL IS THE BEST BAMF AND FOREVER WILL BE MY FAVORITE BAMF SHE FUCKING BANISHED SAURON AND ALL HIS MIGHTY PRICK-NESS (granted she used the vial buT FUCKING STILL) I WAS SO PUMPED.

The spirit wraiths fighting Elrond and Saruman rival cool-levels with Thranduil on an Elk. [recap: RIP Elk. I was actually kind of maybe really upset don’t ask me why I don’t know it was a fucking elk]

I usually don’t talk during movies unless my parents ask a question, but when it showed Sauron and the nine wraiths forming his eye, I shouted, “THAT IS SO COOL.” Also, seizure warnings, everyone, Sauron is a dick with his strobe eyes. LIKE. DUDE. TONE DOWN THE PARTY IT’S TOO EARLY FOR THIS SHIT.

Saruman foreshadowing was satisfying af.

Elrond’s concern for Galadriel in that scene is much funnier and cuter once you realize she’s his mother-in-law. “MOM PLEASE, YOU’RE WEAK. YES MOM, I KNOW. (Saruman, would you get with it.) YES MOM, I KNOW, I KNOW WE SHOULD HAVE FIRED HIM MONTHS AGO, BUT YOU SEE, WE CAN’T. MOM. MOM. HE’S A WIZARD. YES MOM I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, I’M SURE YOU COULD. YES MOM. MOM PLEASE CALM DOWN.”

Bard who didn’t sign up for any of this shit and ends up as advocate to talk through the Dwarf window like, “Thorin, I swear by your gold-crusted beard, help me out, OR SO HELP ME.”

Bilbo walking up to his own home for auction glowering at the UNCULTURED SWINE. ALSO KNOWN AS SACKVILLE BAGGINS IF I MAY.

“Can you prove it?” *Martin Freeman-ly points at himself like a Martin Freeman on Bilbo steroids.*

IAN HOLM ASDLUFHGARDFJLAS IT’S THE BEGINNING OF ASLIAHSDG THE FELLOWSHIP ALDSAIFHGGDFJHK

And finally: I was so emotionally attacked by Billy Boyd singing his Final Farewell I almost cried. I WAS PROUD OF MY BOI BOYD WHEN DAD COMMENTED HOW GOOD HIS VOICE WAS I WAS THINKING, ‘FUCK YEAH, MY HOBBIT ROCKSTAR’

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@i-writethewebsites @dragonsamazing @figurinoutlife4 @walk-in-library Thought I would tag my mutus for my Middle-Earth melt-down.

#Lord of the Rings #The Hobbit #Battle of the Five Armies #BotFA #fangirl #I'M DYING #Zoe Arts

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