#bcs the angry and embarassed yelling she does actually sounds. angry

[masqueradeoftheguilty]

furina's va (amber lee connors) is such a perfect fit for her

i was rewatching the end of act 2 and im just really impressed by how she manages to swing from entitled princess to being baffled and flustered to really angry (and /nails/ the angry tone too)

[heyitsyn]

Keeping Up With Seijoh Pt. 10

a/n: based on this post uwu

okayokayokayyeyyy

LOOOK I LOVE THIS SCENE LIKE I CAN GO ON A RANT OF HOW IMPORTANT THIS SCENE IS LIKE SKDJSLDKKSSM

okay so

yuhhhhhh

the way this is set up is basically seijoh simping for you

also they have their own separate gc just for them bc they dont want you to see them just simping for you

even tho oiks ltr does that everyday

but hes not ready for that conversation

there was a few times that you were kinda curious as to what was in the chat

but they would click off and they would blush before diverting you to a different conversation

this might sound hella weird and creepy

idk bout yall but i think its cute that they take random pictures of you doing the sinplest things

this all started bc of one picture

from baby aki-kun

so basically you stayed behind with kunimi during monday to just study and you sat in front of him while sharing his desk

babie took a pic of you just studying and he sent it to the gc with no context

its a known fact that seijoh doesnt practice during mondays so they were all doing something out of school

but they were all missing you so seeing you with kunimi fueled jealousy in everyone

even kyo

oikawa blew up in the chat and was keyboard smashing

the others were just teasing him like hes lucky youre with him

but behind the screen, they were blushing and red and envious and AAAAA

thus spurred on some sort of competition

like they would send the chat pictures of you like 'hA TAKE THAT SHES WITH ME'

unbeknowst to you, these boys have folders of just cute candid pics of you

oikawas insta is filled of you and his snap is full of you in his story and his tiktok is full of screaming simp rants about you

the tiktok comments are all like, 

‘IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!’

‘OIKAWA-SAN SHES ADORABLE’

‘BACK🤺OFF🤺OIKAWA🤺I🤺CALLED🤺DIBS🤺ON🤺HER🤺FIRST🤺‘

random ones like him doing a day in my life type of vids and you appearing and everyone can just see the small blush on his face and the bashful yet happy smile on his lips

its really adorable

but the real ones know that shes been appearing in his insta since day 1

moilk.bread.1

thats practically your account now 

welll,,,

its more of a fan account for you and a lot of people from aoba johsai follow that account since you dont have an official one yet so they all simp for you there

the pictures were all from everyone like the boyz group chat was a haven for your candids

you did think it was strange that the boys would constantly ask to take pictures with you and everyone was just trying to get a pic to have aesthetic couple pics w you

and they would put it as their wallpaper or lockscreen

IMAGINE THE BLUSH THEY WOULD GET WHEN COMPLETE STRANGERS WOULD ASK THEM IF THATS THEIR GIRLFRIEND

oooo i mentioned this in the post too that iwa and you went to the gym and you guys took a mirror pic

after, you didnt really like the gym bc its just hard yanno?

iwa went back and while he was setting up his weights and equipments, his gym buddy noticed his phone light up causing your picture to show up

'oh? is that your girlfriend, iwaizumi?'

duh he doesnt have a girlfriend so he was like 🤨 until he saw his phone

the lockscreen was blaringly bright and your 'couple pic' was showing with the notifications

totally not oikawa blowing up their group chat bc he was with you

ofc babie hajime got all flustered and he blushed before shaking his head

'n-no'

he mumbled and his buddy laughed before clapping his back

'well, you obviously like her so do somethinf about it before someone does'

dont you think he doesnt know that?

also with mattsun!

this mans works in a cute cafe that this old granny owns and this thought has been living in my head rent free

and he was working during the weekend at the cafe

there were other people there but granny loves him bc hes been working there sibce he was like 15 and she took care of him a lot

he was like a grandson

so while he was serving, this granny was manning the cashier and checking people out

issei's phone was there on the table behind the counter and it started glowing at the indication of the messages being received

'have a nice day-oh!'

she noticed it right there and she saw the picture on his lockscreen

you were probably being carried by him due to your levelness with his height and you were kissing his cheek while issei smiled brightly

that was a picture you both took during an outing at the mall and the sunset behind you was just perfect to take a picture in

poor granny was like 'oop dont look at the messages' so she turned it over to not go to his privacy

there again you were

it was a polaroid of you two and he was backhugging you at school

hint? 👀

askldfjlsdkf

she knew issei was a very handsome young man so there shouldnt have been a surprise that he would be dating someone

can we name this granny?

granny inko lol

okay so granny inko saw issei coming over to rest the serving board thing and she beckoned him over

mattsun nodded and leaned over the counter to see what she wanted only to be greeted with a flick to the forehead

‘oW what was that for?’

he whined while holding the spot

granny inko tutted disapprovingly before crossing her arms

‘youve been working all week this week when you could’ve taken time off to spend it with your pretty lady. is this how men are nowadays? didn’t i teach you right to treat women properly?’

duh baby mattsun was confused like O_O

‘wha?’

his dumb question made her grab the phone and place it on the counter in front of him

‘your girlfriend, child. women need attention constantly and as much as you want that money, is it worth losing that smile full of happiness?’

okay stop it granny im getting emotional

more like disagreeing bc that wouldnt put food on the table BUT ANYWAYS

baby issei was surprisingly embarassed and scratched his neck

‘um,, baa-chan,,,,, she’s not my girlfriend’

he flustered and gave her an awkward smile

granny inko shot him a confused look and tapped the phone

‘well, she looks like she is. and if not, better hurry your move, boy. girls that make men happy like that only comes as rare as a good scratch ticket’

LMAO 

i do not encourage gambling so please save your money kids

you know what

these boys do that just to actually feel like it

okay thats confusing so imma explain it in greater detail

whenever someone mistakes you as their girlfriend, it makes them feel like you are for that split second and its just an addicting feeling

its like what if you were their girlfriend?

i mean, youre already the whole team’s girlfriend but theyre greedy brats and just want you for themselves

ohohohohoh

kyo!!

kyo def has a selfie of you both with the doggie filter but it was actually you who took it while he was just staring at you in the background

that was his lockscreen for like the rest of his high school career

lol

anyways!!

he was actually in a fight and during it, his phone fell off to the ground and conveniently oikawa messaged causing it to light up

one of the thugs had their hands gripping kyo’s collar and was pushing him against the wall while the others were surrounding them

they saw the phone flash and kyo cursed at the terrible timing and he made a mental note on killing oikawa later

a guy picked it up and he smirked, seeing the pretty smile of a pretty girl

‘heh? whats this?’

kyotani pushed the guy who was holding him but other two surged towards him and held him tighter

their leader snatched the device and chuckled

‘oh. its that bitch from his school. what is it’

he snaps his fingers as he tries to remember before stopping

‘aha! l/n y/n!’

kyo growled

‘shut up!’

the guy grinned at him and tapped the phone against kyo’s chin

‘oh yea. i heard shes a cutie. most people here know her, kid. now we know shes connected to you and guess what. you cross us again, she’ll take your place as you are right now. orrrr, we can,,, use her as our pet. thats how she is in your team, right? so let us have a turn. maybe we can send you a pic, hm?’

yea no that wasnt happening

kyotani easily beat those people up after because even just saying that unleashes power he didnt know he had

‘bastard. youre lucky this is just a warning. you touch her and i will kill you’

he landed one last kick on the guy’s face before taking the phone and leaving

now he has to figure out how to hide the bruises

you fussed later and he didnt tell you the reason instead just saying they said something that made him angry

nah

you were a person he didnt want to disappoint and he knows how much it hurts you to see him in that state

that was one of the things he hated but loved at the same time

you were such an empath that you would treat him and wince as if you were the one feeling the pain instead of him

and it made him feel special

you were one of the few things he holds close and he would be damned if anything happened to you because of him

the group chat was actually just blowing up with more screaming and the third years yelling at each other with the first years just casually reading the texts

they were used to the arguments within the team and you would remain so naive with the whole thing

kunimi is the type to keep silent and he didnt really care about anyone getting angry if you were spending time with him

but he does get annoyed if you were with kindaichi because you three were a package lol

like when kindaichi and you were at the arcade, this kid walked all the way there just because he didnt want kindaichi to hog you to himself

duh you thought this was adorable and endearing bc they wanted to hang out w you

no LUV theyre greedy brats who gets jealous over yOU

OH

so like i mentioned before that you and makki would walk over to the bakery and you guys would buy food there and such

and its also canon in here that makki only shares his food with you and no one else lol

why?

because when you eat the puffs, you put one in each cheek and it makes you look so adorable like a squirrel

sorry but squirrels are so cute like AAAAA

makki takes so many pictures of you and a lot are surprise shots where your eyes would be wide with cheeks full of food

aaaaa so cute

like you and makki sat down on a bench in the park across the bakery and you excitedly dug in to your own treat

makki chuckled at your excitement but he placed his hand on you arm to stop you

‘y/n-chan. say aaa’

you lit up and let him put the puff in your mouth and thought he was done but was surprised when there were two

you happily chewed it and went back to looking at your treats

but makki interrupted you again by calling you out

‘princess~’

the nickname made your eyes widen with red painting your cheeks and the shutter of the camera made you realize what he did

‘makki-senpai!’

you whined and he laughed

makki had a lovestruck smile on his face and he wiped the bit of creme on the corner of your lip

‘gotta take care of my princess~’

STOPPPPP MY HEART? GONE MY SOUL? GONE HOTEL? TRIVAGO

OH MY GOD IM IN SUCH A MAKKI AND MATTSUN AND IWA AND OIKAWA AND THIRD YEARS IN GENERAL BRAIN ROT PLEASE HELP

but we gotta give love to the second years :’)

ive mentioned that watari is the only person to ever go into your house right?

well, he comes over to cook and such so you guys spend time making food for the team 

watari takes this opportunity to take pictures of you cooking and the group chat cries bc its so domestic and they all start having the same thoughts

they really said seijoh braincells

it was like seeing a glimpse of a possible future for them

you, wearing an apron, cooking on the stove with your hair thrown in whatever with baggy clothes

gosh

thats like you someday being their wife and waking up one morning to see you there cooking in the kitchen

oikawa swears he had a dream that night because of that picture and he continuously thanks watari for YEARS because of that picture

okay are you curious about the dream?

yuhhh

oikawa woke up in an unfamiliar bed in a foreign room 

he felt his bones crack when he stretched and his hand extended out to a side that was still quite warm

hm

somebody must be sleeping next to him

then he stood up, catching his reflection in the mirror in front of the bed

;)

why would there be a mirror there hmmmm????

ANYWAYS

he noticed he had a bigger build and his hair was longer

then came the itch of the facial hair that he swore wasnt there a minute ago

this guy even checked out his butt and to his surprise, wow

obviously he was confused and a part of him thought this was the future

tooru walked to the door to go into the hallway and concluded, yep, this was not his house

then he heard music being played somewhere and a mixture of voices coming from a room

sounded like a woman and children

he stops at the top of the stairs, suddenly hit of the thought that this voice was so familiar

‘hm?’

tooru walked downstairs and stopped when down the hallway in front of the steps led to the kitchen where the voices seemed to lead to

‘mama! mama! mama! toast! i wan toast!’

‘in a bit, darling. just let me finish flipping the pancake’

the song was lo-fi with the volume being turned low enough to hear the voices fine

tooru wandered down the hallway and he stopped, finally seeing the owners of those voices

there was a handsome little boy sitting on the chair by the island and his brown hair was a mess of wild curls

there was a woman with h/c hair swaying to the tune and a beautiful little girl curled up in her arms while sitting on her hip

‘hey’

oikawa spoke out and caught everyone’s attention

‘papa’s awake!’

‘pa!’

‘hello tooru’

tooru froze

that was you

he knows it’s you

‘y/n-chan’

he whispered and you looked back at him from the pan

‘yes? if youre looking for coffee, we ran out apparently’

that was not what he was talking about

he hastily walked over to the boy and he blinked rapidly

‘you look like me’

he mumbled and the child grinned

‘eung! papa  and yozo look the same! mama and nana say so!’

yozo?

feeling like all the attention was on him, the little girl whined and her hands made grabby motions to him

‘pa pa’

she whined and tooru just felt something in him that screamed to hold the kid

you shushed the little girl

‘dont worry, looney loon. papa’s right there’

loon?

tooru stayed frozen at his spot and you raised an eyebrow at him

‘tooru? luna wants you’

oh

luna

that snapped him out of his trance and he held the little girl in his arms where she smiled at him and then he felt tears welling up in his eyes

then he woke up

okay sorry that was a long dream

so this dragged on for so long already okay

this was only meant to be small but aaaaa i couldnt help itt!!!!

but anyways!

the boys are just simps for you and theyre creeps that take pictures of you and they think about you all the time pls accept their love

also a mild continuation of the dream:

oikawa was holding luna and she was happily laying there when another figure emerged from the hallway

‘iwa-chan?’

he asked, surprised

what was he doing here?

iwa heard his name and grunted before going to a beeline for you

you smiled at him and he leaned in to give you a kiss to which oikawa froze in

iwa noticed his best friend holding his daughter and luna saw her father there

‘daddy!’

she shrieked and tooru blanched

‘uh, what?’

iwa extended his hands out to hold the girl but tooru held her tightly and leaned back

haji narrowed his eyes

‘um, give me my daughter, oikawa’

he grumbled and tooru shook his head

‘no! shes my daughter!’

you blinked

‘your god daughter, yes. but she’s half of your best friend, tooru’

half of his-

god? daughter?

‘so that means-’

‘piece it together, oikawa. did ya get brain damage or something? babe, call the doctor’

oikawa screamed

a/n: lol look WHO ROSE FROM THE GRAVEEEEEEE :) anyways. i really want to deeply apologize to everyone for taking an unexpected break and i shouldve told you guys and im really sorry :( everythings just chaotic lmao and im just like taking a breath for a second uwu and im so AMAZED at how many people still follow me even tho ive been gone for so long like bls yall are real ones :’) i love you all and the req box is still closed at this time as i need to finish the ones i have first soo thankyou for reading thiss and hopefully ill update soonerr!!! :)))

also not me completely messing up my kuws and missing 8 and 9 in my masterlist and having a mindblowing realization that i have 10 keeping up with seijoh fics

[vinylhazza]

ok but like having a really bad day and then when you get home e gets mad @ you for something and since your day has already been shitty, him being upset w you is like the last straw so you start to cry and then him being all soft and feeling bad bc he didn’t know you didn’t have a good day and he hates to see you cry 🥺

you’d been yelled at by your boss for something you didn’t even do. falsely accused of screwing up in a business meeting. and being the kind person what did you do? you took the blame for your friend/co-worker. you really took the slander with pride, but in your car? the tears wouldn’t stop.

you always aimed to impress and you loathed people being mad at you and being embarassed. in your opinion there was nothing worse. and maybe that’s the one thing you would fix about yourself and wish one day to leave behind - stop trying to please everyone and stick up for yourself.

the worst part is she never even thanked you, just watched you swing your purse over your shoulder with blushing cheeks when you briskly walked through the office and slammed your finger into the button in the elevator that was much too slow after what just happened.

you just wanted to go home to ethan and hold him until you forgot that disappointed look on your boss’ face while he lectured you on good work ethic. you were amazing at your job, really. you just stuck up for that bitch brianna for the simple reason that you didn’t want her to be mad. it was a lose, lose situation all around. but you would change your decision and re-do that conversation if you could - tell your boss she fucked up and not you. tell your boss she costed the company business with one of the largest corporations they’d ever worked with. but you can’t turn back time.

you kept your mouth shut until your slammed your car door shut...and then you screamed. at the top of your lungs. you bursted into a rage that had tears running down your heated cheeks. how dare that bitch look at you with a smug smirk - oh you wish you could smack that stupid fucking look off her face. you had worked your ass off to get this job, it was your dream.

you had jumped through hoops and built an image for yourself that you always wished you would have. you were well respected which is something you’ve always had to fight for. you showed integrity and grit - everything a business would want. and all you can think about is that horrid conversation about “morals” and “values” and “what you can do to fix this behavior”...he even asked you to persuade them to work with the business still.

it was a traumatic day and you just needed ethan to hold you close. you needed him to kiss it away and talk you down and take a hot bath with you and snuggle into the sheets, maybe hum your favorite songs like he does when you’re upset or anxious. you needed your man right now after this day. you just needed ethan.

but when you walked through the house and saw him standing in the kitchen, hands on the counter, head hung low, shoulders slumped, you grew anxious once again. he didn’t look happy in the slightest. you almost didn’t speak to him, near turned your sorrowful ass around and went straight back to the bedroom. but instead you set your keys on the counter, purse on the table, and walked in to stand beside him.

you can feel the tension hovering in the air, thick as molasses. when he looks up, his eyes show his emotion plain as day, angry. you’d only ever seen him angry on a few occasions, but it was never at you.

“you wanna explain to me what the fuck is going on y/n?” he deadpanned, standing up tall with bulging arms crossed over his broad chest. he’s looking down at you with this look...like he doesn’t even want to be here. like he wants to be anywhere else but here having this conversation.

you’re frozen in place. you actually can’t believe that 1. your boss was pissed at you and 2. the one person that could make it better is pissed at you. it was the world laughing in your face is what it was.

“no? i really don’t know what’s going on ethan i just got back from work-“ you try to stifle the fire with a calm voice.

“don’t give me that bullshit, i saw the picture,” his voice raising an octave higher.

“what picture ethan what the hell are you talking about?!” you’re panicking now, lost in a dark haze of confusion while he looks at you with that same disappointment in his eyes. with every step you take towards him, he takes a step back, not letting you touch him.

it genuinely feels like the world might come crashing down, your breathing shallowing out, knees getting weaker, eyes filling at the waterline. what the hell is going on here and what picture is he talking about? you are always either at work, with him, or with your best friend at all times. so whatever picture(s) he is pissed about must be a mistake.

“that’s real nice, play dumb. if you don’t want to be with me, then say something, but this? really? i really thought i meant more than that but i guess not,” he turns to walk away, shaking his head at you, disgusted by something you know nothing about.

and then the tears fall.

“baby i- i really d-don’t know what y-your talking about please d-don’t be mad at me whatever it is i didn’t m-mean-“ you hiccup, holding your palms to your face while you have your breakdown in the middle of the kitchen, legs giving out beneath you. you expect to sink to the floor, but instead feel strong arms wrap around you tight, keeping you standing and pressing you into into ethans chest.

he realized quite quickly he was dead fucking wrong about what he’d seen on the internet. he had jumped the gun too quickly without giving you a chance to explain. he never even let you get a word in. but that was irrelevant at this point because you’re gasping for breath in his arms, clinging to him like a lifeline. he had seen a picture of you with another man, a man that was cupping your face while you kissed. it had spread around twitter like wildfire with captions like:

“and to think he said she was the one last week”

“i done told y’all she was sketch”

“she’s a fucking cheater and i knew it”

“making our baby look dumb, y/n i just wanna talk”

“a whole ass 🤡 who would cheat on ethan fucking dolan?”

“guess that means we were right all along”

“you can even see in the picture she doesn’t feel bad about it. makes it even worse.”

“tHeY aRe mEaNt tO bE all of you look so dumb right now huh? clearly she’s a fake bitch that used him for the clout and the money”

“so who’s coming to fight her with me?”

“drop the adress i just wanna talk”

“this right here is why they don’t date 🤷🏻‍♀️ but y’all ain’t ready to talk about that”

it hit him like a ton of bricks, actually making him sick to his stomach, absolutely heartbroken. he loved you with his entire fucking heart, adored you and everything that came with you...but how could you do this? when was this picture taken? why would you play dumb when he knows you’re on the same internet he is, you can obviously see.

but...something wasn’t right. he knew that as soon as you broke down into his arms in a fit of hysterics, he was wrong and he could feel it. whatever and whoever that man in the picture is...he would hear it from you and you alone. the woman he trusted. but right now you needed him, so he rocked you in his arms and pushed his suspisions aside for the time being.

“shhh calm down sweetheart, it’s okay, i’m right here,” he whispers, kissing the top of your head, a hand rubbing your back while the sobs die down to sniffles. he waits for you to calm down from your breakdown patiently, feeling like nothing but a dick for being so harsh when he didn’t even know the full story.

when you back up to hold his hands, looking up to see his face soft and worried, you nearly cry again. you had no idea what was going on but you did know you needed him and needed him to not be mad at you. whatever you had to do to calm his anger or whatever was making him act this way, you would.

“wanna tell me what’s wrong baby?” he questions calmly, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear, bringing one of your hands up to his lips for a kiss on the knuckles, getting that tiny little smile out of you he loved so much.

“i just...had a horrible freaking day at work. i got screwed over and i’m worried it’s to the point on no return and i’ve lost respect at the one place i’ve worked so hard to excel at,” you mumble quietly, rubbing your nose and swiping the tears from your cheeks.

to have him being gentle with you is all you needed all day. you know you need to talk about that blowup he had when you came home, but for right now you’re taking what you can get.

“explain everything to me bubs, let’s go,” he tucks your hand in his own, waiting for you to slip your shoes off and hear the patter of your feet follow him across the house, down the hall, and into the bedroom.

“don’t you wanna talk about...whatever that was?” you’re so confused, why is he being so loving if he sounded that betrayed and angry? he was too good to you.

“we can talk about that later, now lay back against me and spill,” he rests back against the headboard, patting his stomach twice, indicating for you to rest between his legs and lay back against his chest.

you can’t argue with that when it’s been what you’ve longed for all day. so you slip your blazer off and toss it in the hamper, walk to the closet and grab the tshirt of his you always wear to bed and a pair of sweats to change into. when you’re done changing and have your hair in a messy bun on top of your head, you’re slipping onto the bed and resting back against his warm chest.

within an instant his arms wrap around you and you’re ranting feverishly about the day from hell. you explain everything from the coffee spill in the car to briannas fuck up all the way to the big boss man busting your ass in his office for nearly an hour. he’s listening patiently, nodding his head and humming, placing kisses to your shoulders every now and then, even a little “fuck her” when you really get going about briannas betrayal. he lets you get it all out of your system with open ears.

when your all done and tired out, you feel like the weight has been lifted and you can sink back into him further, your eyes closing and head falling back onto his shoulder. he rubs your arms all the way down to your hands, where he plays with your fingertips. within a few seconds he’s providing you with advice that is actually soothing you more than anything, explaining what to say to your boss and how. he’s assuring you that all hope isn’t lost and your respect is fragile but still intact, you just need to fight for yourself because you worked too hard to be made into a mockery.

he can feel you relax with every word he says near your ear, he knows it’s working. when he’s given you all that he can and you agree that it would be the best option to explain in full the misunderstanding and ensure your boss that no, it wasn’t your mistake but you are willing to turn the situation around because you have the skill to do so. a redemption so to say. it’s exactly what you needed to hear and it blows your mind that he always has the right words - well...sometimes.

“okay so now that we’re done with that...wanna talk to me about this ‘picture’ you saw?” you ponder, picking at a string hanging from the sweatpants.

he decides he needs to word things a little better this time now that he has a level head. he acted out of anger and pain and that is most certainly not what you need, especially today.

“i went on twitter this afternoon and saw a picture of you with another man.” there he said it. take it or leave it. what you say next will be what heals or breaks his heart.

he’s sort of surprised when you don’t tense up in his arms, you simply hold out your hand.

“can i see?” your gesture to his phone, remembering yours is still in your purse in the kitchen.

he nods silently, reaching for the device on the nightstand and setting it into your open palm. you put in your fingerprint and click on the twitter app, knowing what you’re about to see is obviously some big misunderstanding that (once again) got blown out of proportion and twisted into something it wasn’t. the joys of social media and stan twitter.

you immediately see this picture everyone is losing their minds over, knowing immediately how it might look. but you also know you were correct in your theory and everyone has it so wrong.

the picture is of you and your ex kissing, him holding your face, three years ago. your hair was the same color and length, you can see why there might have been some confusion. but it was still misconstrued and wrong.

“so?” ethan waits anxiously for you to say something since you’ve been staring silently at the screen for about three minutes now and haven’t said a word.

you know words hold weight, but backing up those words will mean more to him than anything. so you choose not the speak at all. you head over to little ole facebook, something you rarely use, but something that will ease his mind right here right now.

you log out of his account and log into one of yours that should have been deleted when you made your new account. you click on the “pictures” option and scroll until you land on a collection of pictures to go along with the one of you kissing your ex. you simply show ethan the collection of different poses of you two in the same place, smiling, serious faces, a cheesy “couples” photo shoot. you then show him the date the photos were uploaded, seeing his eyes widen and cheeks turn rosy with the realization that the internet, once again, flipped out for no reason.

“remember the ex that cheated on me with my roommate from college?” you speak softly, knowing he’s quite embarassed for his actions and making you feel worse on your horrible day. he nods.

“i’m guessin’ that’s cody” is all he responds with.

he just knew he was wrong. someone had found this public facebook and discovered these photos with your ex and plastered the one of you kissing all over twitter, instagram, you name it - it was there. they twisted the image and made it into something it wasn’t. they had made him overthink and become insecure, worried that you didn’t want him. of course you were loyal, you’ve never shown him any different.

“fuck i’m really an ass aren’t i?” he chuckles, throwing his head back and shaking his head in disbelief that he was dead wrong about something. what was he thinking? as if you could ever love or much less look at anyone else besides him.

“no honey, just...maybe let me explain before you immediately freak out on me yeah? i need conversation not accusations,” your tone soft and easy, knowing he feels bad.

“i’m sorry for getting a little mean with you,” he apologizes sincerely, hugging you closer to his chest and leaning in to kiss you on the cheek.

“it’s okay, i forgive you. we were both just a little frazzled today, that’s all. lack of communication can do that sometimes. the internet is a scary place,” you reason. this day has been one hell of a day, kicking both of your asses mentally. it’s something as simple as a picture taken out of context or a bad day at work that can cause a pointless blow up, but at least you know how to tackle these situations together and not point the finger until you know the facts. it’s growth and that’s never a bad thing.

but now you need what you’ve needed all day. you can tell he needs it too. all the crying, the frustration, the straining of your brain to comprehend the plethora of daily bullshit was exhausting.

“wanna take a bath with me bubba?” your tone hopeful. you know he’s comfortable, but you also know all the extra tension is cured with a nice bubble bath.

it doesn’t even take him but a second to nod with a fond relieved smile, tilting your head up to give you a kiss.

“bubbles?” he questions hopefully, standing you both up from the bed and pulling his shirt over his head while you remove the tshirt and sweats you just slipped on - you’d just wear them after.

“bubbles” you conclude with a grin.

[rimofwell]

lol i joined the rest of tumblr and watched to the bone. i shall just list my thoughts in bullets - warning that along with my general thoughts on the film, i also wrote pretty candidly about how i related to this film which means talking very bluntly about my ~eating disorder experience~ lmao so know your triggers buds

eta: i’m sure this whole thing was obnoxious to some people, but i didn’t really write this for anyone to read- i wrote it more for myself and i wanted to honestly/openly reflect on some of the shit that happened bc i rarely talk about actual details of the thing. not going to lie, i’m going to be pretty annoyed if i get messages saying that i am somehow glamorizing things or bragging about how sick i am- so i just want to say here 1. if you think i’m glamorizing this, it’s because you view these things as being desirable somehow - that’s on you, as i am not altering things in any way or phrasing things in a way to draw others in. i’m just stating facts of what happened, i’m not going to censor things because someone else can’t handle them. there’s nothing glamorizing about starving yourself, or spending time in hospitals, or losing friendships, and breaking relationships, losing everyone’s trust, wasting thousands upon thousands of dollars, missing precious life events, and turning into a complete lifeless thing, with no personality, hope or happiness. if you find it glamorous still, i feel sorry for you but in no way responsible for you feeling that way. 2. i’m not bragging about anything, i’m again, just stating facts!!!!! and i put a warning about it being potentially triggering etc. if you think it’s bragging, that’s bc you value these things and desire them and assume that everyone else is of the same mentality that you are, and wants to flaunt the things related to their illness. which is again, on you and not me. i don’t find them desirable or glamorous (more like shameful and embarassing) so trust me i’m not bragging. 

ok goodnight goodbye

firstly, i could not relate AT ALL to the way that treatment center was run.... like nada. i don’t know how that happened. i did relate a tiny bit to the dynamic between patients- i remember that i did situps at times when i was in treatment, and i do remember hearing of other people like throwing up in plants or w/e. like of course stuff like that does happen. but i thought it was completely ridiculous how there were no staff at meals lol, and also ridiculous that the treatment staff was literally just like, “If you have any special food we’ll get it for you. you can eat whatever you want as long as your weight goes up” and i just feel like that’s not healthy??????????????? like you could straight up binge and then not eat anything and gain weight, or gain weight solely from eating a shit ton of vegetables and fruit and then not have ~challenged yourself~ with eating real um meals which is clearly important and an issue a lot of eating disordered people have (like eating nothing all day and basically binging at night, or having everything be a fear food). i think the movie tried to make it like, “it’s not about the food!!” which it’s clearly not, but food is a part of it? i also think it was a bit contradictory to be like, “it’s not about the food at all” but then to put SO much emphasis on weight, like, “we don’t give a fuck what you eat as long as you gain weight” lol... okay.......

i related to ellen/ely character a lot in certain ways. she comes across as angry, or just livid at the world and i know that that’s how i came across in treatment. like just fucking pissed off at everything and everyone. i remember never screaming or yelling, but i’ve been told that i just had this angry look on my face, and that at times i sounded very condescending (mostly to my mother, but occasionally to therapists and other staff) which i think is what the main character (ellen/ely) was like too. i don’t think i was ever rude to other patients though - i think i just barely participated or talked at all.  i super super relate to the scene where she’s told that other people view her as defiant/unhelpful. if i got paid 1 dollar every time some therapist, doctor, or nutritionist called me defiant i think i’d have enough money to pay off my student loans lmao

the family therapy i could relate to as well. i was expecting to take the whole film as a joke, but i actually started crying at two scenes. the first one being when they were in family therapy and her sister was like, “it affects me too- i don’t get to have a sister” and started breaking down, bc i remember hearing the exact same things and feeling so deeply sad and guilty yet trapped because i knew that’s what i was doing to my siblings (esp my sister), but didn’t know how to stop. the second scene i cried at was toward the end when her mother went to her and was like, “there’s not much left of you to lose... doctors are afraid you’re going to die... i just want you to know that i accept it, if death is what you want i accept it, but i love you - i just can’t keep fighting you”. i remember pretty much that exact same thing being said to me. i distinctly remember one night (after many many hospital stays) where my parents fighting and my dad ended up being like, “we just have to let her die. i love her as much as you do, but this is what she wants. there’s nothing we can do. we have to let her go” and then i remember my mom fighting back and being like, “she’s a child she’s just a little girl. she’s our daughter how can you say that. we can’t give up” and them both just sobbing and me being really confused because i don’t think i ever truly believed i would die- but now looking back and knowing the medical information that i do, i can say that i most definitely would have died. to be entirely honest i’m surprised that i didn’t and i know i certainly would have if my mother wasn’t as adamant as she was about forcing me to eat. so i guess thanks mom lol???? but those scenes in particular were very hard to watch. the mirage/vision scene where she sees herself dead really reminded me of when i 100% wanted to die. i think it was the 3rd or 4th time when i’d starved myself back to the same deadly place and i was really angry that no one would accept that i wanted to die. i remember one night being hooked up to like a million different machines and this doctor coming in and being like, “no one is going to tell you this, but you are going to die. you are going to die at 12 years old and everyone is trying to shield you from the truth. you are literally on death’s door. do you see that we have a nurse checking you every 30 minutes? it’s to see if you’re still alive” and i remember being so angry and tired and frustrated and was like, “i’m going to die? well good, i’m waiting”

my therapist often reminds me of when i was 13 and saw her outpatient and looked at her and said “whatever. you can make me eat now, but once i turn 18 i’m going to starve myself to death and no one can stop me” and i was serious. it’s scary to think about, but i do remember being in that place and feeling so trapped and throughout that, this was the only thing that made me not feel/ i think at that point things in my home were so bad and i didn’t see them getting any better so i just wanted out

it also reminded me of when i first went to treatment and literally had no idea what a calorie even was????? like legit didn’t know what that word meant and people kept saying it and i was like “what the hell are these people talking about” also did not know what bingeing or purging was. i firmly stand by the belief that i shouldn’t have gone to eating disorder treatment because it most definitely hurt more than it helped. i think staying on a medical floor in pediatrics would have been so much better. it was too weird being around people who had eating disorders, but were completely different than mine. i could not relate at all to being triggered, or wanting to look a certain way, or being afraid of getting fat, and hearing people talk about how they hated their bodies - like 0% relate because at 12 that was not at allllll what it was about to me. not to mention the fact that they were all significantly older than me. i think at least the first time i went to treatment the youngest person there was 16 which was still 4 (almost 5) years older than i was. i also remember having the most ridiculous notion of what an eating disorder was. like my thinking was soooooo black and white it’s hilarious to me now. i remember thinking that an anorexic was someone who literally DOES NOT EAT ANYTHING. and in my 12-year old brain i was like, “i’m obviously not an anorexic i EAT FOOD” even though my daily intake was literally 3 itty bitty broccoli pieces and 5 cornflakes. still remember that to this day omg. but i was like, “these people are crazy thinking i’m anorexic.... what is wrong with them. i told them i am eating”.  it took me sooooo long to wrap my head around the fact that most anorexics don’t just literally not eat a single thing- they eat, even if it is a literal apple a day. like in my head even if someone had like 3 pieces of gum that day they couldn’t possibly be anorexic because they’d ingested calories.  i don’t know it was insane, i was insane

a few days ago during session i was sort of arguing with my therapist because i don’t remember ever being ‘triggering’ (or what other ppl would refer to as triggering). i never talked about weight or calories or wanting to lose weight.. i eventually stopped hiding my food and i think during groups i was mostly silent and probably gave (unintentional) dirty looks to the people who i thought were just drama queens, but i was never like, “shut the fuck up susan, some people have war in their countries”. i think that the first time i was in treatment (at least for the first two months) when i was asked in group what i thought about things i would reply with something along the lines of,  “i think all of this therapy is pointless and that all of these activities are a waste of time. i don’t want to get better, i don’t want to eat. and sure i’ll eat here but once i get out i’m not going to so you’re wasting your time and mine pretending to care about me”. obviously i know that was ~upsetting~ to some sensitive patients who were just so so influenced by a 12 year old, but i think after people had a bunch of hissy fits at hearing that, i just stopped sharing in groups bc i hated lying so i wasn’t going to be like, “I can’t wait for my beautiful life on the outside once i am recovered <33333″ (bc it was pretty fucking horrible and it would either be 1.horrible w/ me eating and therefore feeling things or 2. horrible w/ me not eating and therefore dissociating/not feeling anything - obv i’d choose the latter)..  i think my therapist said something like, “you’re just a very intense person with a strong personality, that was even more intense when you were young. even if you’re not screaming or yelling you just have this energy/stubbornness about you that other people pick up on” and i was like true. i was kind of a silent bitch

i didn’t find the movie triggering, but again, i think that’s just because i don’t find things of that nature triggering and rarely find eating disorder-ish things “triggering”. seeing her very thin body did remind me of when i looked like that and the more i was thinking about it the more i was like...... “i think i looked even worse than that oh god.” so i went to some old photographs from that time (that will forever remain hidden) and i was like, “confirmed- i definitely did look worse than that.. how did i do that to myself. how very uncool of me” (obv more serious than that, but it’s hard to relate to emotionally). so seeing it did remind me of that place i feel millions of years away from, but i didn’t find it upsetting just sort of like, “wow... i actually did that. that actually happened”. side note: i also thought it was a little unrealistic bc while her body was clearly v thin/sick her face looked pretty healthy to me and that always weirds me out, but that’s beside the point lol

this is probably going to sound obnoxious, but the whole movie and everyone’s reaction to it reminded me of how i can.... not relate at all to most people with eating disorders. i just can’t relate at all to being triggered by thin bodies- i don’t get wanting to look like that, and mostly, i don’t get being ‘proud’ of your thin body or how thin you got. like 98% of the people i know with eating disorders post more pictures of themselves when they’re losing weight and i guess that baffles me because when i was at my sickest i was so embarrassed by the way i looked. i was always trying to cover up my body, i refused to be in most pictures because i didn’t want evidence of how grotesque and disgusting i looked. like the complete opposite of everyone who is just like, “oooh i look thinner/am losing weight!! let’s show it off to the world!!” but the more i think about it the more i realize that the people i’ve seen who do that (like post pictures when they are relapsing. eta: the people that experience weight loss as the symptom of their eating disorder) never look actually look sick in those pictures- like they look thinner than they were before ofc, but if you didn’t know they were struggling or had an eating disorder that caused them to lose weight you would think they were perfectly healthy. like they look normal/fine. 

probably went on and too long about that, but i just came to the realization while i was typing and was like oh my god! yes!!

anyway, i think that the characters were super underdeveloped and i wish they took the time to give a lot of the characters better back stories, and i wish the plotline was just better? idk... i think the story line was sort of spotty and i left the movie being like, “what.... what happened to her sister, her parents, her step-parents, her guy thing.. what???” i know that leaving things up to the audience’s interpretation was part of the point, but i think they overdid it to the point where the ending almost seemed lazy?? like they tried to fit this HUGE transformation into like 7 minutes lol