#bc when are we ever going to fucking get DYKE REPRESENTATION

[ignatius-pennyfeather-ix]

🗯

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[kiefercat]

30 Day Trans-Challenge except not really bc my memory is too bad for that so you get it all now Little intro and context for new followers and also for me when I look back at this; I'm a 22 year old trans guy from Canada. I've been out since I was 16 and have been on T for 5 years in October. My top surgery is scheduled for 2019 with Dr McLean in Mississauga, Ontario. 1) When did you realize the term transgender referred to you? In grade 10 one of my best friends started transitioning to male. It was my first exposure to anything trans and everything just fell into place after that. I talked to my partner at the time about it a lot and how my identity suddenly started making sense. After around half a year i started going by male pronouns with my friends and I came out publicly a year later. 2) How did you choose your name, and what names were you thinking about using and why? Contrary to popular belief I didn't choose Cooper because of my high school obsession with Alice Cooper. I ripped it off of a cartoon character that had no discernible gender to me. I was also debating going by Kiefer but after some research found out it connects to Cooper like Bob to Robert and just rolled with it. At some point before transition I asked mom what she would have named me if I was born a boy and she said fucking Wayney (dad's name is Wayne) and yeah no I did not want that name at all 3) Have you ever been outed? Quite often. Surprisingly from the people closest to me. My mom and stepdad out me all the time and my best friend/ex gf used to do it a lot too. She stopped thankfully but my mom keeps insisting on making me a discussion topic 4) How did your family take it when you came out/ if you are not out why aren't you? I came out in stages to my family. Mom was first. I fucked up though and forgot I had a stepbrother and basically walked up to her one day and said “you only have a son” and then ran out of the room? She thought I was running away????? Woops. She was kind of ignorant about some stuff for a while but changed a lot of her views pretty quick. She wasn't initially going to let me medically transition before I was 18 but turned around over time and I started t at 17. Stepdad was awkward but supportive. I didn't come out to my dad. My mom had to for me a year after I'd been out to everyone else. I was terrified of rejection bc yay abandonment issues but it went over well! Right after I came out my dad started dating my step mom and she really helped things bc she wasn't afraid to ask the questions that he was too weird about to do himself. She actually administered my tshots for me for a while. Fast forward to last year and suddenly family I hadn't seen for 9 years wanted to get back in contact with me and mom. I was expecting my grandparents and uncle to be really weird about it but they've always been chill. They used to call me a dyke and tell mom she was a failure bc I wore boy clothes when I was a kid so obviously I was worried. 5) Are you active in the trans community or LGBT community? Not nearly as much as I'd like to be. My local active trans community is 80% 40-60 year old trans ladies. Like I love them to bits and I appreciate them sharing their experiences as older queer people but I feel very out of place there. I've been invited to a gay dude cafe meet a few times but am too nervous to go. That being said, my entire friend circle is trans sans a few sprinkled cis people. So I guess we're all just an informal support group lmao 6) Who was the first person you told about being trans? My first partner. She was super queer (was identifying as a bi male at the time we dated) and very understanding and supported me through a lot of the mental gymnastics of realizing I was a dude. 7) Who do you look up to? My friends, honestly. Like I don't know what else to say here lmao 8) How do you deal with being misgendered in the beginning of transitioning by people? Told them politely to only use he/him with me. If they were malicious about it I would try to explain how ignorant that was and if they still didn't get the hint I'd ignore them. 9) What is something positive about being trans? I don't have to hide awkward boners. 10) What are some of your fears in regards to being trans? I'm super afraid of top surgery ending in a result im unhappy with. Like I don't care about the pectoral scarring at all, but I'm worried about proportional problems or dog earring. Basically anything that would require a revision. I'm also super insecure about not having a bio dick. It limits me a lot sexually even with strap ons. No harnesses stay where they need to on me to get anything good happening and my dick always slowly drifts downward. Its frustrating. 11) How do you manage dysphoria? Hahahaahhaa ice cream And usually taking nudes. 12) What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically? I'm working out every day now. Nothing too intense, but it feels nice. I want to drop about 30-40 pounds before top surgery so am slowly amping up the workouts. Mentally I'm a disaster and am frantically looking for a psychiatrist but can't find any open that have experience with a trans patient. 13) Bathrooms I haven't used a women's bathroom since before I was in testosterone. I'm not anxious about them at all unless there's a lot of drunk dudes or the locks on the stalls don't work. 14) What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass? Confidence. Fake it till you make it. Being a walking masc alt stereotype got me through high school. 15) How have you embraced your trans identity? Tbh coming out and living life as trans is one of the few times I've been able to do one very important thing consistently: do something for myself no matter what people think. Its something that I've been trying to spread into other aspects of my life. If anything, my trans identity embraced me. 16) What's your rock anthem and why? I think this is the only answer that hasn't changed since last time I did this. I Am, I'm Me from Twisted Sister. 17) What's your binding choice and why? I use a GC2B binder. They're comfy, last long, don't roll, don't have prominent seams, and don't smell funky like my old underworks ones. If I swim publicly or want to slim out my hips for special occasions I wear a full length underworks swim binder. Fun fact: I didn't bind for a year and half bc I gained a fuckwad of weight and my tits passed as moobs. 18) How do you feel about the trans laws where you live? They're getting better. I live in Ontario, Canada so am pretty protected all around. I wish the technical side of transition (name, gender marker) was more streamlined. 19) If you're religious how do your views effect being trans? if you're not religious what about your family religions? I'm in no way religious. My mom had to jump through a bunch of hoops in her head to legitimize my transition through her religion/spirituality. Its a little disturbing to me for details I will not share publicly. 20) Do you want to be a parent? why or why not? I hate children. Keep them away from me. 21) Your views on the cis-gendered community? ??¿¿ they exist. I believe education about trans people and other queer identities should be taught in schools to help cis society not be as blissfully ignorant. I don't believe all cis people hate trans people, but they do have a lot of misconceptions about the community. 22) Do you feel being trans holds you back from your career choice? Fuck no. Honestly I haven't felt nervous about transition affecting my work since my first job. I was just coming out when I worked the museum and was scared they might kick me from the position. Nowadays, I do not disclose my trans status to potential employers until they're hiring me. I thankfully live in a place and time where I'm protected as a trans person in the workplace by the law so haven't felt held back at all. 23) What stereotypes are put on trans people? Undercuts Tbh The stereotypes that stick out to me are the fucking weight ones. Where the fuck are my chunky trans men and ladies at? As a trans guy I am pressured a lot by the representation in the community to aspire to be a buff/cut beefcake or stick thin. Hell, a few of my already very small trans girl friends think they're not as valid bc their bust/waist/hip ratio doesn't make them look like a model. There's literally nothing wrong with being any weight but I find the pressure to be small is even higher within the trans and queer community to fit the stereotype/preconception that we have to be conventionally beautiful to be valid in our identity. 24) Who is your favorite LGBT actor/musician/director/artist etc and why? Uhhhhhhh Tbh I don't even know 25) Doctor visits? I hate them. They make everything about my trans status even if I'm there for something completely unrelated. There is FREE training on trans care for doctors in our part of the province but none seem to opt for it and instead decide its appropriate to ask me transition questions when I'm there for something as unrelated as an impacted nail. 26) Do you feel comfortable answering questions about being trans if say your teacher/friend/stranger asked you? If I'm not paying for their time, if I'm not busy doing something else, and if they are polite, yes. I don't mind answering questions at all! But there's a time and a place and some people just don't understand that. 27) What goals do you have? Lose weight and tone up a bit in time for top surgery. Be aggressively body positive. Continually try to normalize trans bodies. Find a local community to be a part of. 28) What is something you have to do everyday or else you feel like your whole day is off if you don't do it? Shower. If I go out or if people outside of friend circle are near me I have to have my packer and binder. If I'm alone I need music or something on at all times. 29) Write out something positive about yourself using the letters of your name. Ex. Your name is Bob so B-Beautiful O-Outstanding B-Boy Um. I don't have a good name for this uhhh C-Creative O-Open hearted O-Okay P-Phenomenon E-Eager R-Rad I had to Google positive words to do that lmao 30) Write a haiku about being trans I hate writing these Please just cut off my titties Throw them in the fire