#bc tss does this to me too its a pain

[fourth-wall-rebuilder]

I feel cheated, targeted, attacked (character I don't want to like is suddenly acting likable)

[internallydeceased]

In The Mist (6)

alright so earlier i said “i may or may not be posting the next chapter of something today” so here it is my friends. (tbh i wasn’t even sure i was going to have this done and posted today.) i just want to thank all of you who’ve asked for more of this fic bc it is very near and dear to my heart and probably one of the only things i’ve done that i’m actually proud of. thank you to all my ladies over at tss who have helped me edit and much needed validation. 

HAPPY PRINTSHOP DAY Y’ALL

prologue, one, two, three, four, five

Sauve Mon Coeur Sussex, Virginia 30th March 1858

If you found me, would you save me? If you touched me, would it break me? Will I come back from this? Come down, rescue my heart I'll drown, without you

The sun slowly began its ascent into the sky, kissing it with hues of pink and orange and blue. Streaks of gold radiated from the sun, breaking through the clouds and bathing the world in light. The frosted tips of grass and leaves melted away, an icy dormancy relenting into soft morning dew. A fog had rolled out from between the trees, briefly obscuring everything until it faded into a fine mist.

A doe emerged from the hazy treeline before stopping dead in her tracks. I suspected that she saw me and spooked, ready to make a run for it—but she didn’t. She was staring directly at me, our eyes locked onto one another’s. I don’t know how long it lasted, whether it was only a moment or twenty, but when I blinked, she was gone.

I was so lost in the world around me, I hadn’t heard him coming.

“Mind if I sit wi’ ye?” He spoke softly, as if I were a small child who’d just woken up from a nightmare.

I was still angry--upset. But I knew that he meant no harm,that he was only trying to comfort me and let me know that he was there. That he would listen without judgement or pity and just listen.

I nodded silently and moved over on the bench so that he could sit beside me. Immediately, I could feel the warmth that radiated off him, even through the cold and the layers of clothing between us.

I felt my anger melt away into something more somber that made my heart feel heavy, like something was squeezing it inside of my chest and the only way to get rid of it was to talk about it. Only I had already told him everything. Well, almost everything.

“Sassena--Claire. I just wanted to apologize for earlier… I ken what ye said about it, I just--”

“Stop, Jamie,” I cut him off, already knowing what he was going to say. I was upset and I blew up at him. In all my life, he was one of the only people who believed in me and cared and listened. Actually listened.

“You didn’t do anything wrong I-- I overreacted and you didn’t deserve that. You don’t need to apologize... it’s alright.”

The corner of his mouth turned up into a smile, and in that moment I could see the small red-haired boy he used to be whose grin lit up the entire room. “Aye, well.” He chuckled.

“It’s no’ just that…” He trailed off, his tone turned serious and his smile disappearing entirely.

I sat up a bit, intrigued. “What is it?”

He took a deep breath before continuing, “Do you remember when ye told me about what happened to ye?” His voice was deep and thick with emotion, and I felt my heart drop into my stomach as I realized what he was about to say.

I froze. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t speak, I felt like I falling and I was powerless to stop it.

He looked away, his eyes pinned to the ground. “I told ye that I knew Randall, an’ that something happened to me as well.”

He swallowed, and I noticed a tear roll down his cheek.

I wanted him to stop; I didn’t want to picture whatever it was that Randall had done to him. But at the same time I knew it was something he had to do--needed to.

I squeezed my eyes shut and nodded, allowing him to continue.

“When I left Scotland, I was also leaving Randall and wha’ happened behind. I promised myself that I wouldna think about it ever again, that I would leave the past in the past.” A breath. “ I’d been able to keep that promise, for the most part. But when ye told me what he did to ye…” I could almost see the anger and rage building in him as he spoke through gritted teeth.

“Not only did I remember wha’ happened to me, but I was seein’ you as well. Everythin’ ye said he did to ye--I can see it. Playin’ over an’ over again in my head-” He paused, squeezing his eyes shut as if to force the image out of his mind.

“It’s tearin’ me apart, Claire.” His voice broke, the emotions running through him too much for one person to bear.

I saw another tear roll down his cheek, and I felt my heart split in two.

“Oh Jamie…” I breathed, and felt a tear roll down my own cheek. Suddenly I was crushing him to me, wrapping myself around him as if to absorb some of the pain so he wouldn’t have to bear it alone.

“I’m so sorry…” I whispered into the fabric of his shirt, my heart breaking along with his.

I felt him wrap his arms around me and hold me tight against him.

“You don’t have to say it I-” I was unable to say anything more as Jamie kissed me hard on the mouth, stealing the breath from my body.

I melted into him, my mind immediately going back to my dream from the night before.

I had kissed him yesterday, in the heat of the moment and immediately regretted it. I hardly knew Jamie and he was there for me, made me feel safe. I had no idea if my feelings for him were reciprocated, but apparently, they were.

I sighed and made a noise of contentment as the rest of the world faded away, until I was only able to feel Jamie’s lips and body against mine.

My hands came up to rest on either side of his face, and I pulled away a little so that I could look at him. Really look at him. There were so many things I hadn’t noticed before: freckles speckled across his face like the stars in the night sky, his red lashes that were blond at the root and dark on the ends, the blue of his eyes that seemed to shine like crystals; flawless and perfect in every way. I could still see the silver trails of tears that ran down his face, shining in the sun. And then I remembered.

What if he was only doing this so he could forget?

What if he’s only doing this to distract himself?

What if he was only using me because I was there?

What did this mean?

Do I mean more to him than a friend?

What if he hurts me like everyone else?

What if he leaves?

But the way he looked at me… It wasn’t like anyone had ever looked at me before, and I could feel my heart reaching out to his. Could feel myself begin to heal and be okay again.

No, this was right.

I leaned in to kiss him again, my pulse starting to race. One of his hands came up and tucked a stray curl behind my ear, then moved to the nape of my neck and tangled in the hair that was there.

He kissed his way down to my chin and then my neck, giving my head a gentle tug to expose it.

“Jamie…” I sighed into the air trying to form some semblance of a thought.

I quickly pulled away, even though it took every ounce of strength to do so. “I have to get things ready for today.” I was winded, my body already missing his touch.

A faint blush crept up his neck and settled in the apples of his cheeks as he looked away briefly and smiled, though I could tell something was still bothering him.

“Aye, I’ll walk ye in.”

The day wore on, one minute seemingly longer than the last. There was a steady stream of patrons throughout the day, the nice weather bringing them in flocks. The sun had begun to set and soon I’d finally be able to have some time to myself again.

“‘Scuse me mistress!” The man had come in hours ago and had been drinking practically all day. “Scould you be sooooo kind n’ gi’ me an… anotherer…?” The man slurred in his inebriated state, leaning over the counter with his empty mug outstretched towards me.

I put down the mug I was drying and crossed my arms over my chest as I glared at the man. “I think you’ve had enough, sir.” I reached out to take his mug, but he jerked it out of my hand and slammed it onto the counter, anger coloring his features.

“I wasnae askin…” He hissed, his Irish brogue prominent.

I was taken aback by the drastic change in his behavior. I reached out again for his mug, this time me being the one to yank it away. “Neither was I.”

The man was furious, even more so than before, if that were even possible.

He dove over the counter and pinned me against the wall, causing me to drop the mug which subsequently shattered onto the floor around me. But I couldn’t focus on anything else except the man in front of me with his hand wrapped tight around my neck. Everyone was looking now, but no one moved.

Memories raced through my mind at an alarmingly fast pace, my entire life condensed into a few seconds.

Is this it? Is this how I’m going to die? After all I’ve been through, after all I’ve survived, I’m going to die at the hands of some drunken idiot?

His grip was tightening and it was getting increasingly harder to breathe. “I said, I wasn’t asking.” He hissed, his words clear and filled with venom.

I was frantic, my heart racing inside of my chest and my eyes flitting about the room at everyone standing by and just watching.

Why aren’t they doing anything?!

His face was only a few inches away from mine, threatening. “Now, I suggest ye ge-” He was cut off as the front door slammed open, revealing a very angry Jamie.

My heart soared at the sight of him.

Jamie stormed over and punched the Irishman square in the face, knocking him to the floor. Jamie stood tall, intimidating. “I suggest,” Jamie growled, repeating the same words that the man had just said to me. “That ye leave here afore ye have much more than a broken nose to worry about.”  

Blood was streaming from his nose, and you could see that he was absolutely livid, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it. He ran out after everyone else like a scared little dog, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

Once everyone was out of sight, Jamie turned to me with nothing but worry and concern. “Sassenach, are ye alright?Are ye hurt?” His hands rested gently on my shoulders as he frantically searched for any sign of damage.

“I am now.” I smiled, and he crushed me to his chest, his right hand cradling my head as he pressed me against him.

“God, Claire, I’m so sorry.” He sighed as he pulled away to look at me once again.

I know that I should’ve been in distress over what had just happened, and it’s not that I wasn’t, but the utter joy and relief that I felt at the sight of Jamie was overwhelming.

“Thank God you were here.” I whispered, mostly to myself, as I took in every detail of his face and burned it into my memory.

His wide smile returned and he hugged me again, both of us succumbing to the relief of the moment and the presence of each other.   

Jamie had started to laugh, shaking his head before looking back up at me. “Sassenach, I swear… Ye’ll be the death of me.”

I smiled, reached up and pulled his head down to mine and kissed him, long and hard and sweet.

I knew that we should talk about this morning and what Jamie was saying, but it could wait. After all, what difference would an hour or two make?

read the next part here!

[lovelylunarwriting]

Hufflepuff!Joshua and Slytherin!Jihoon Hogwarts Headcanons

HUFFLEPUFF!JOSHUA:

Literally the sweetest boi, I cri

When he was put in Hufflepuff no one was surprised because he spent the whole train ride there being his gentlemanly self

Helping people with their luggage if he saw them struggling or having a hard time carrying their things

Holding doors for everyone- the ladies and  gentlemen

Because let’s be real- Joshua Hong don’t care about your gender he just wants you to be happy and comfortable

The lady with the snack cart rolls around to his section of the train and asks if he wants to buy anything

And he’s like “oh no thank you, but hi what’s your name”

Cue Joshua befriending the lady and learning her life story and the names of her 6 kids

The lady is like “can I give an award to your parents for raising you to be this way”

And Joshua is like !!! “My parents are great I’ll tell you why!”

He tells the lady everything about his family and is so happy and  enthusiastic and the woman is almost in tears she’s so touched

She’s all “if you need anYTHinG don’t hesitate to find me”

She low key leaves him a bunch of snacks without charging him

And he’s like “oh she must’ve left these, how nice” and shares with the other students around him and adfghjk  can you tell I love Joshua Hong because I do like who doesn’t

I stg it’s impossible not to love him

BUT ANYWAY

FLASH TF FORWARD

You know he’s one of the Prefects for Hufflepuff because like who else is more qualified? Soonyoung? No ma'am. Not unless we want a dance party every time people are trying to study in the commons room. 

Is really helpful and caring over the younger students and if he sees they’re getting frustrated/sad/homesick, he’ll just go full out dorky and get them to laugh

Student: *is sad*

Joshua: “Wanna see how high I can sing?” *SCREAMS*

Student: *not breathing enough because of how hard they’re laughing* 

If anyone questions his prefect method of handling things (which is usually in a casual and memey way) he’s just responds like “well it’s a good thing they didn’t make you prefect, you obviously have no idea what you’re doing”

*air horn noise x1000* KILL EM JOSH

if he’s really worn out or just generally feeling down after a long day, he’ll go to his bed and slide his guitar out from the space under his bed frame and play really relaxing and beautiful melodies and sing along

And EVERYONE KNOWS JOSHUA DOES THIS BC IF YOU HEARD THIS ANGEL DO MUSIC THINGS WOULD YOU KEEP QUIET? nope

So if someone hears Joshua playing in his dorm room from the commons room it’ll be a chorus of shuffling and whispers of “he’s playing again! Everyone hush and listen!” Until everyone literally stops what they’re doing to listen to his beautiful voice and rhythmic guitar playing. 

Joshua wonders why he finds most of the Hufflepuff kids asleep in the commons room the next morning like “how did you all manage to fall asleep here?? Why wouldn’t you go to bed?”

And Seungkwan and Hoshi are all “wELL yOU know these couches are so comfy ahaha”

And Joshua is just like “ …k good to know”

Everyone knows that if Joshua is ever up late playing pretty music it’s because he’s feeling down so they make like an organized system so that the next day, everyone is nice to him and only good things happen. 

Someone’s clumsy owl is flying straight for Joshua? Hoshi jumps and grabs it out of the air and then runs tf away so Joshua doesn’t notice anything happened. 

Some jerk looks like they’re about to start a fight with him? Seungkwan “accidentally” drops a vial of newts urine on the jerk. 

Seungkwan: *hair flips* “hmm… sorry bout that” *walks away*

Joshua: “??? Are you okay? Let me help you”

Joshua would literally help the guy clean himself up OBLIVIOUS TO THE GUY’S ILL INTENTIONS TOWARDS HIM and the guy would be like “WHY DID I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS ANGEL, I MUST PROTECT HIM” 

And this is how everyone comes to love Joshua

Because how can you not?

ALSO

Joshua was talking with some random Hufflepuff kiddo about Naruto and a pureblood Hufflepuff walked by and was like “wtf is a naruto”

And joshua was like “bro its an anime how do you not know this”

And then the pureblood kid was like “wait what is anime?”

Joshua immediately calls for a Hufflepuff house meeting

“Okay guys it’s come to my attention that some of us aren’t aware of a certain reALLY awESoME thing called anime so we’re gonna have a marathon of a handful of them. I chose Fairytail, One Piece, and Haikyuu for tonight, let’s do it!”

Half the kids are like “hECK YES”, and the other half are like “??? If it makes Joshua happy then sure I’ll stay”

Some kid: “what about Yuri On Ice??”

Joshua: “what ABOUT Yuri On Ice?”

Another kid: “wait doesn’t Jeonghan kind of look like Victor?”

Joshua: “omg, you’re right. no one tell him about it but let’s Photoshop his face onto Victor and fill his dorm with copies of it”

The kids: “Joshua aren’t you supposed to be nice”

Joshua: “I’m nice to you now hush Natsu is about to breathe fire”

A couple of days later Ravenclaw!Jeonghan (at this point in time his hair is dyed silver and is longer like in the Mansae era) storms up to the Hufflepuff dorms with hands full of crumpled Victor posters, demanding to see Joshua

Joshua is just like “oh it must’ve been one of your ravenclaw kids, us Hufflepuffs know not to start trouble”

Jeonghan: “what do you mean you don’t start trouble, you have Seungkwan and Soonyoung in your house”

Seungkwan: “LISTEN VICTOR GO BACK TO YOUR DORM”

Jeonghan dyed his hair black and cut it shorter the next day

All the Hufflepuffs were snickering and Joshua was like “doN’t make fun of him”

Joshua: “hey Jeonghan nice hair” *knowing smirk*

Moral of the story, everyone just wants this memey boy to be happy and loved, and he definitely is. Even by Jeonghan.

SLYTHERIN!JIHOON

Don’t make fun of his height unless you want to be hexed. 

Literally the other Slytherins call him “Prince of Hexing”

He really likes hexes the best because they’re worse than jinxes but not at bad as curses

They’re just the right amount of “don’t fuck with me, I dare you”

Is also a prefect like Joshua,  but more because he’s really smart and good at handling situations that require leadership (like who could be the leader of a subunit with memes like Seungkwan and DK and not be a good leader smh)

The other houses are like “woah this guy is hardcore”

But his Slytherin kids know he’s a softie :)))

Jihoon: “hey quit running in the hallway, who do you think you are”

Actual translation of his emotions: “don’t run in the hall because someone’s gonna get hurt and I’ll be upset if you guys are in pain”

He’s soft. But disguises it well. 

NO ONE TELLS HIM THAT HE’S SOFT UNLESS THEY WANNA BE HEXED THOUGH

Unless you’re like already good friends with him and just picking fun at each other and are like “aww you’re a cutie, ya know”

Jihoon’s cheeks will flush brighter than a tomato

Also the sleeves of his robes are a lil too long for his arms so he has constant sweater paws and it’s the cutest thing

I’m not saying that he has a prank war with Gryffindor!Seungcheol but that’s exactly what I’m saying

All the stereotypical negativity between Slytherins and Gryffindors has been channeled into pranking each other. 

For the most part it’s Slytherins Jihoon, Jun, Minghao, and Chan vs. Gryffindors Seungcheol, Vernon, and Mingyu.

This war was initiated in the dining hall on one fine day *ba dum tss*

Seungcheol may or may not have slipped a love potion into Jihoon’s drink (literally just for shits and giggles like he had no real reason to, he just wanted to see what would happen)

the next person to go talk to Jihoon was Hufflepuff!Soonyoung

Let’s just say that after a very accidentally romantic conversation between the two, that Soonyoung still has a crush on him lol (who wouldn’t)

Soonyoung: “SEUNGCHEOL THANK YOU”

Seungcheol: “??? You’re welcome?”

Meanwhile Jun, Minghao, and Chan who were at the Slytherin table at the time never let Jihoon live it down

So Jihoon is like “alright revenge time”

So he plans to hex Seungcheol because like. that’s just what he does, he’s Prince of Hexes. 

He goes to the stadium one day because he left his bag behind when he was leaving quidditch practice (his position on the team is beater) and was like “oh God my homework is in there, what if it rains???”

What a cute studious boy

But yeah he’s getting his bag from the stands and thought that no one else was in the stadium but there he is. Choi Seungcheol. Out on his broom practicing (He’s the captain of the Griffindor quidditch team). 

Jihoon is like “welp it’s now or never”

But he finds himself hesitating.

he realizes that if he hexes Seungcheol, the role model for the Gryffindor kids, how is that going to reflect on their opinion of Slytherin kids?

And Jihoon does NOT want anyone fucking around with his kids. 

So instead of putting a painful hex on Seungcheol, he turns Seungcheol’s originally black hair, very very pink. 

And he just leaves the stadium. 

Seungcheol meanwhile has no idea that this has happened, because he’s intensely practicing and there’s no mirrors around because it’s a stadium

He only finds out when he walks into the Gryffindor commons room, vry tired from practice, and goes up to his dorm which he shares with Mingyu. 

Mingyu sees him and loSES IT

He can’t even say why he’s laughing because he’s laughing so hard

Seungcheol is literally about to throw hands when Mingyu just shoves a hand-held mirror in his face

Seungcheol stops moving and just thinks really hard. 

And he knows that it was Jihoon. he knows in his sOUL that it was Jihoon. 

Mingyu is like “its okay man do you want me to fix it?”

But Seungcheol is like “no. let’s have the rest of the school see what he did”

Mingyu: “pffft okay, princess bubblegum”

Seungcheol: “right back at you, Cheeto”

Mingyu: :/

ANYWAY BACK TO JIHOON

The next day in the dining hall (because yes this is a high school, it’s just for magic and stuff, so like all high school dramas/movies, shit is gonna go down in the caf)

Seungcheol walks right up the Jihoon who’s sitting at the Slytherin table and is like “like my hair? ;)))”

Jihoon is like “yeah, it really suits you”

And Seungcheol

My boy, Seungcheol

We know how he gets a lil reckless when he’s competitive

So Seungcheol says “I’m surprised you could even see the color from all the way down there”

Before Jihoon can stand up or react or do anything, Seungcheol’s pink hair is covered in an apple pie

An apple pie that Slytherin!Minghao just happened to be taking to Jun who was sat further down the table

Jun: *yelling at Minghao in Chinese* “omg my freaking pie!!”

Minghao: *yelling back in Chinese* “it was fOR A GOOD CAUSE”

Seungcheol is just standing there. And on the inside he’s thinking “fair move, Slytherin”

And he just turns and gives Mingyu and Vernon a certain look full of determination and a lil bit of craziness tbh

They know what Seungcheol wants them to do

Cue Mingyu’s look of horror and Vernon’s biggest smile

Vernon stands on the Gryffindor table and yells loud enough for everyone to hear:

"FOOD FIGHT!!”

And metaphorically speaking, shit hits the fan. Literally speaking, Minghao is immediately pied in the face by Jun.

Minghao: *still yelling in Chinese* “WE’RE ON THE SAME SIDE”

No but for real everyone in Gryffindor and Slytherin are throwing food across the cafeteria at each other. 

And you know how in the dining hall there’s just four really long tables, one for each house? Well the Slytherin and Gryffindor tables are the outside tables. 

Which means they are throwing food OVER the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables. and a lot of food begins to hit these two houses too

Jeonghan and Joshua just make eye contact and nod and then everyone is in this fight

It lasts for about fifteen minutes until the professors can get it under control

When the professors ask who started it, everyone knows about Seungcheol and Jihoon’s feud, so the finger is pointed at them. 

While sitting in Dumbledore’s study, its dead silent but Jihoon and Seungcheol are shooting glances at each other every couple of seconds

Until they finally make eye contact and bust out laughing

“did you see Seungkwan get knocked out of his chair because Vernon threw a whole chicken at him?”

“Of course but did you see the look on Jeonghan’s face when Wonwoo smeared peanut butter into his hair?”

Dumbledore walks in and is like “I see you don’t regret your actions, but you’ve made a special bond with one another, so I’ll let you off the hook this time around”

Seungcheol: “wow, really?”

Dumbledore: “lol no, you two get to clean up the whole dining hall, without using magic. But that’ll give you two more time to get to know one another and realize you’re more similar than you think”

So Jihoon and Seungcheol spend the whole night cleaning, but they also talk the whole time, too. 

By the end of the night it’s like they’ve know each other their entire lives. 

The next day, Jihoon sees Seungcheol in the dining hall and smiles at him and everyone is like “…what. Jihoon just smiled at someone. and it was seuNGCHeoL. Are they friends now?”

But everyone just goes along with it and no one holds any grudges. 

Except for Minghao @Jun lmao

[guys-chill]

My Demons are PTA Moms

Hey so as you know, I love PTA mom jokes and like making names for my friends ect. Well sometimes, when shit hits the fan and there are lots of negative thoughts, so I address each thought as if it were some stuck up lady from the PTA. Here’s my “convo” that happened last night ( I was talking to my friend and basically texted her my thoughts) bc I think it’s funny. If you wanna skip the buildup and go straight to moms, skip the first bit and start where I say YOOT. Theres alot.. yall dont gotta read i know that its alot alot

TW for mentions of rape

Set the scene: My mind is wandering, open to passing thoughts

Me: I wonder why sometimes your brain thinks about nothing. Like, there are so many things to think about, yet I stare at the ceiling thinking about nothing just kind of floating in empty mind space

Me: Now im thinking about [ex bf.] and how i want to work through my [ex bf.] memories with you and [friend’s boyfriend who is also my friend] and how that’s unfair bc its like, yall dont exist to listen to my problems and im thinking i need to face them and get through that wall of pain. Like they’re motly breaking up memories atm. Im trying to avoid them because its hard

Friend: He and I are your friends and part of our job as friends is to listen

Me: :^)

Me: Ye but like no i feel so selfish when we are about me

Friend: But you shouldn’t

Me: You know that meme that’s like “I feel uncomfortable when we are about me”. Mood

Friend: No I don’t

Me: Rip. Yeet bc i wanna face them but i know it’s gonna have me breaking down and I want a hug and like yall aren’t responsible for me or like i j feel bad

Friend: It’s ok dude we’re here for you

Me: But i know i gotta face them but im putting it off rn bc i don’t wanna fall asleep breaking down but why cant i just do it like UGGGH. Like with opening up my feelings door I’ve opened up remembering that i blocked kinda or avoided ahhh lol my mind is riptastic and sad rn but my heart is only mildly and i dont wanna be sadddsdddddd and i avoid my shit. [Her bf] is right that its hard to face your shit. And I feel dumb for not. And its like just let the suffering commense, you’ll be fine later

Friend: I’m sorry

Me: Why am i so FUCKING needy. Lol sorry im like this

Friend: You’re not needy my dude!

Me: My brain is like !OOh idea! Lets want someone to love you and hug you and all this shit to be really extra even though it doesn’t even matter that much bc who gives a fuck yo people have they’re own lives but you know I think it sounds like a GREat way to make things difficult haha fuck u

Me: Lol i said i wasn’t gonna get into this but look at me goooooooooo. YEET

Friend: Oh boy you’re ok

Me: Yo its fine god im im a messsss yoot AAHH YOOT THATS SO FUNNY

Friend (Prolly like oh boyyy at this point): You’re gonna be ok I’m sorry

Me: Wanna hear my inner dialouge lol YOU KNOW WHAT IM GOOD AT MEMES YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT

Me: Ye thank you I appreciate that

Friend: If you want to share

Me: I appreciate you listening to me

Friend: Any time

Me: Why is my mind just like saying rando shit its like Haha you fucking psycho kill yourself, and its like no Pam, that’s not even what were talking about rn. Like who invited you. Yeah I know no one invited me to my own party haha funny jan. Why am I a mess. But HeY at least we’ve gotten distracted

Friend: Oh boy I’m sorry

Me: “Lol im gonna kill you” thanks maureen

Friend: Why all the suicidal thoughts

Me: Im thinking of that vine of this kid awkward dancing to like trap music and his mom walks in and you can hear her mouthing like turn it down wtf. I dont even know I dont even wanna die my mind is so unoriginal. Good to know Jan, youre worthless too

Me: Like im doing that thing where i make everything a joke to not have it hit as hard

Friend: Im sorry. You’ll be ok

Me: TW rape “Lol no he didn’t rape me in the butt you insensitive bitch (me @ Clarissa)” Haha im gonna fucking kill myself. That one was a bit more real. I suppose both but like the kill yourself bit

Friend: Oh boy

Me: I wanna die im a mess. Tw again Youre so ugly why the fuck would he even wanna rape you haha dumb bitch got raped you dummy couldn’t even get him off lol you got him off tho...SHUT UP. lol no Way hunny this is too fun you vulnerable cunt haha fucking ill whip out any insult that has to do with sexually explicit shit come at me slut

Me: Haha im sorry

Friend: Oh boy, don’t be sorry. You’re ok. What he did was on him, it had nothing to do with you it wasn’t your fault

Me: Why they gotta say rape so much like i get it gerryanna; you’re shitty at sales pitching sell me something i dont know. God i love these moods (sarcastically)

Friend: Oh boy

Me: Haha you dumb bitch like they’re not even original. Im calling the superintendent of my mind and having them all taken off the PTA board of trustees. Fuck you Helen. Not you though [Friend] your name susan helen does not apply during breakdowns

Friend: Oh boy. Is there anything i can do

Me: Im just laying here with a pained smile on my face its not even a breakdown its a roast sesh. Nah not atm besides listen and hear the dumb shit they say

Friend: Oh boy, does it help to get it out like would writing help

Me: Yeah. God you cant even type right. Yeah you’re a secretary Jan sorry I dont have a crumbling marrage and an English degree like you. Oooooh im throwing sick burns. Im not even funny im just sad. I hope you’re laughing. Genuinely I hope its a bit funny because im a piece of trash. Ok yo you didn’t need to say that last part margaree.

Friend: Omfg

Me: God hell yeah you can take me out on trash day fucking Mmm yeah you bet id like that feeling of powerlessness and suffocation of my voice please, expand uponthis trash bag fantasy joann. Ill sit on the curb and cry myself to death you right. Fuck you got me lol I guess ill just give up now. Fool im not done yet get PUNKED Pamela. Im still here to shit on your bad insults. I hate myself, yeah i hate you too Mary Sue. Go fuck yourself; I think i might give it a shot from what i’ve heard its best in the shower and i was gonna take one tomorrow...

Friend: Oh boyyyyyy

Me: Lol yall are dumb; When they try to make their voices sound like mine but you can tell the yall is just you and the’re throwing shit at you but you see it. Im great fuck you pam

Friend: Oh gee

Me: This is good, like genuinely its like a throwdown and they’re bloody on the floor (the pta council). Fuck em, yeah fuck you too janice. “I hadta do it to em”- me at my future kid asking why i did this. Yeah i beat up Suzanne but she was a bitch anyway. Ok now stop trying to get all on my side pauleenI know you’re with them. Go with the rest of em. I bought you a luxury cruise well actually yall did bc yall are selfish and feed off sadness go drink some martinis and come back but you bet ill be fucking waiting for you, yeah ik were not done donna, but ill still be there and... “I love you”- I love you too higher sweetie who sounds like [my friend’s spirit guide] no now its my higher self but also [her]? Yeet ok bye yall

Friend: Oh boy

Me: Fuck um, Patricia decided to stay behind and keep me company. Lol im a mess. How are you things have relatively chilled. And now im being told “I love you” from someone i think me a higher power that believes in me

Friend: Eh im alright. How are you

Me: Im better. Did you enjoy that little skit my ego wants to know so it can make a production and Pam can bring her friends back and then my higher self is saying just say you love me and you’re here, “and i love you”- higher bee thank you I love you too. Idek, yes I know i’m a mess pam. I know

Friend: “Higher bee” oh could you imagine if god was just a fluffy bumble bee wanting us to love ourselves. I’m sorry you’re going through this

Me: But im a mess of glitter, spilled but pretty and not going away yeah ok no pretty is not my only worthy reason for existing but thanks. Im also friendly. Awwww thatd be so sweet. Thatd BEE so sweet. She’s beautiful

Friend: Ba dum tss

Me: Its ok i find it mildly funny. “I cant drown my demons, they’re in a pta meeting atm and dont have their pool passes handy”

Friend: Lol

Me: Haha im livingg. I love you. Thank you for listening

Friend: I love you too and any time

Me: “I love you so much” thank you giant sky bee, God thank you giant sky bee godbless. Bless yourself. How are you. Im feeling loved. I faced part of the wall yoot lol

Friend: I’m glad you’re feeling loved I’m ok

Me: Like i faced something, im here and it matters. I love you. Im glad you’re ok. What have you been doing how long was that. 12:46 to 1:20. 35-40 min. Average breakdown cycle. Nice good to know. See, its all chill after 40 min

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And thats that my guys uhh yeah i keep track of how long i break down for and it really is only about 45 minutes until your body wears itself out. I love you all