#bc those are automatically small child appropriate

[protectbrowngirls]

hello, i hope you're having a good day, sorry if this is too much but is there any resources or anything ah idk for people who's parents do kinda abusive things emotionally and physically but you're confused whether it is abusive bc of culture? im so sorry idk how to explain it

I'm terribly sorry for how long it has taken me to respond to this message. I didn't have any resources on hand that addressed this issue specifically, and it took me a while to round up a set of literature and resources that I felt might be useful. This got super super long, so I'm sorry in advance! I hope you find something in this wall of text helpful. I'm placing the rest of my response under a read more.

I definitely understand the confusion you mention. Eastern norms and Western norms differ vastly in many areas, and it can be difficult to disentangle whether something that seems abusive is truly abusive or simply an instance of clashing norms. This article from Bridging Refugee Youth & Children's Services (BRYCS) puts it really well, in my opinion:

Actions thought to be normal or appropriate in one culture may be interpreted as abuse or neglect by another culture. Some parenting actions are effective because a whole society holds similar underlying assumptions. When an individual tries to transport those actions and assumptions to another culture, the results can be disastrous.

A good place to start may be the Convention on the Rights of the Child, which defines, in broad strokes, the rights and freedoms that all children ought to have and has been ratified by 196 countries. This establishes a culture-neutral foundation for what standards parents, educators, etc should meet. If your parents regularly violate any of your rights laid out in the CRC, those behaviors are recognized as unacceptable by nearly ever country and culture across the globe.

This publication from WHO offers definitions for child abuse and includes discussions on how cultural norms can influence what types of behavior that culture deems abusive. India is one of the countries discussed.

Regarding brown culture specifically, this UNICEF study details parenting approaches, including prevalence of abuse, in various regions of India. A summary and analysis of the study is provided in this article.

I also found this study, where 29 South Asian-Canadian parents were surveyed regarding their attitudes toward various parenting practices. In general, the parents' judgment of (in)appropriate parenting approaches didn't differ widely from other populations, suggesting that perceptions of neglect and abuse are culturally independent. Though it's a small sample, the paper has some great discussion worth reading.

Here is a selection of blog posts that I found topical and interesting:

https://www.nakedtruth.in/2019/04/29/the-vicious-cycle-of-parental-abuse-in-indian-families/

https://thetempest.co/2017/01/10/culture-taste/i-called-out-my-parents-on-their-affectionate-abuse/

https://thetempest.co/2017/09/18/culture-taste/desi-culture-serious-problems-and-heres-proof/

I would also recommend the subreddit r/ABCDesis; this topic has been discussed numerous times there:

https://libredd.it/kqmnt6/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/kjmzi7/can_we_please_stop_normalizing_abusive_behavior/

https://www.reddit.com/r/ABCDesis/comments/6e6ym5/is_emotional_abuse_a_way_of_life_for_desi_parents/

In addition to all of that literature, here are some support systems that may be able to help you navigate this confusion:

The aforementioned r/ABCDesis

DeQH (if you're queer), a peer-run helpline for LGBTQ+ South Asians

The Facebook group the little brown diary

I want to conclude by noting that if a behavior is normalized within a culture or entrenched within its cultural norms, this doesn't automatically preclude that behavior from being abusive. Quite possibly--and quite commonly--this simply means that the culture in question normalizes abusive behavior. Brown parents make liberal use of slapping as a punishment, but slapping is still an abusive action. The same goes for forbidding self-expression, forbidding children from having opinions or beliefs or ambitions that differ from their parents', denying children age-appropriate privacy, etc. If you are questioning whether your parents' actions are abusive or cultural, it's entirely possible the answer is "they're both."