#bc these supervisors think we're stupid

[tododeku-or-bust]

I have been told that my violence will beget more violence. To which i say: YES 😈

[tuckersdeslauriers]

"tim had no space to continue talking there." He didn't want to talk, that was the point of him saying he couldn't give what she wanted when she asked for a conversation.

"he doesn't think he can support her fully without working on himself first...and honestly? i think that's noble." That's not really what happened tho. The breakup was final, he had no intention to "work on himself" and come back to her after. His justification for the breakup was that she deserved better, and there's no nobility in him deciding for her. *That* is patronizing

well, ok...just a heads up this whole style of message feels super combative to me lol but i'll at least try to explain what i mean here:

i don't think we can say if tim did or did not want to talk - he didn't really make indications in that convo, but imo, i didn't take any of that as tim not wanting to talk. i get the vibe that if lucy had actually been down to have a conversation, he would've had it. in reality: tim said 2 things that she didn't like and lucy jumped down his throat. lucy asked for an adult conversation and i'm sure tim would've had one - but lucy didn't allow that to happen. and i don't blame her for that one bit, but you can't say it was just tim there when it wasn't. she snapped - she ended the interaction. also, just something i've been thinking about...neither of them are the type of people to have that convo in uniform, at the station. i doubt either of them actually wanted to have that deep of a conversation standing in the hallway where any of their peers and supervisors could've overheard. not excusing either of their behavior with that, but it just felt like the wrong moment to me.

ok so this just feels like a perceptual issue we're going to have here bc his whole entire speech for the breakup was that he needed to better himself. sure, maybe he wasn't thinking about the future - but i don't think we can say he was like...delivering that with complete finality? imo, he explained his thoughts to allow her to understand that he can't be what she needs right now. also like...the man was literally having a crisis of conscience, i think it's pretty clear the intention was to figure that all out (aka work on himself, which got pushed forward further in this ep) before considering/returning to a romantic relationship period. anyway: what i'm not saying is that it's noble not to give her the chance to decide for herself. that's stupid, that's tim being selfish - which, this breakup is a big selfish moment for tim. he broke things off to work on himself because he thinks that's what lucy deserves - and not giving her the opportunity to discuss or decide that for herself is selfish. the nobility i was referring to was that he understands in his own way that he needed space to work on himself. even if he did it in a shitty way, understanding that you have to be a better you is a great first step to actually achieving it.

for the most part we're just going to have to agree to disagree here bc i think we're reading into the show two very different ways. also overall, i just think like...in an adult relationship where you feel like you've found what you're looking for...breaking things off for self improvement isn't usually seen as a note of finality, at least on the side of the person who does it. the issue is we aren't seeing the internal monologue of tim to understand his intention, so people are perceiving it differently. either way i think looking at this like tim wasn't coming from a loving place is just like...so deeply off base. he did what he thought was the right move - and even if it wasn't, it came from a place of love. i understand that's not the easiest notion, but like...he's not a supervillain, he's just a little dumb.

[rayshippouuchiha]

Ray, light of my days, it is I, the one who can't shut tf up😂

I just want to say that I'm sorry I made fun of you in that one post that one time for having a type bc here I am, dating your type lol

Am I jealous the cat I've been trying to bribe into pets for months jumped into his LAP the first time they met? Absolutely.

We're actually both kind of supervisors for the kids bc we live in a village so "out until the streetlights turn up" is still a thing, but watching him with the kids is wow. Especially now that I'm not fucking stupid. Because FYI, I was dead ass that idiot who went "his wife's gonna be so lucky" without realizing I was jealous of that hypothetical woman that doesn't exist.

He's also all "tall, dark and handsome", which looks ducking goofy next to my 5 foot zero ass in my mismatched clothes and pink hair.

Also, apparently he has rizz, oh does he has rizz, but it's strictly for me for some reason (am I smug about it? absolutely). It's like he got calibrated to me lol, but we grew up together so I guess I was the one to do it? It IS weird, because on one side is me going "isn't he perfect?😍" and on the other side is literally anyone else going "pls get help, both of you "

Also, we cracked the code. And by that I mean "childhood friends who stayed friends until they started dating" hits the exact same notes "enemies-to-idiots-to-lovers" does, just half a step to the right. The "I saw you at your complete worst and I still want all of you".

On another note, I think I should've started ring shopping when he gave me food that upset my stomach and instead of peaceing out he sat in front of my locked bedroom door(I was mad-mad at him, cause I like food and I couldn't eat for days) and sang "we're all in this together" on loop😂

This is, somehow, my revenge for you picking on me about my type.

He honestly sounds delightful though darling and I'm so happy to see you so genuinely enthusiastic and happy with this relationship.

[viiridiangreen]

spent like 30 mins of my unique unrepeatable precious time on this beautiful Earth explaining how no, I didn't make the text gray, it's pure white but when letters are small and thin they look less vividly white and a little greyish..... just because of how monitors / pixels / the concept of displaying text on those works like at a fundamental level. no it's not a problem that needs fixing. no if you turn off that softening effect it's not even gonna be LEGIBLE

the people who needed the explanation have some sort of high & mighty managerial positions in the tech company i work for & have exactly zero business micromanaging the shit out of the smallest minutiae of the design of a web platform that displays data for their clients.... that they BOUGHT as a template and then outsourced the customisation of.... which my section wasn't even assigned to.... we're just getting forced to make 'mockups' of extremely basic changes they want done to the design bc they can't fathom the idea of just... passing on the list of changes directly to the people who can implement them on the live site........

so then naturally i spent ANOTHER 30mins of my finite time on this fantastic planet making (and remaking to my supervisor's specifications) a sort of custom visual explainer for how text antialiasing works in this extremely specific case

the actual design part of this design job i could do w/ my eyes closed since i was in middle school. but the "talking to idiots who don't know anything about the thing they're attempting to micromanage" is fucking......... eroding my soul at the deepest lvls....

one of the suited up old farts in the meeting went "omg... i think i'm noticing a bit of a sarcastic tone there... i hope it's just my nerves" while engaging in the aforementioned SUPREMELY stupid and unproductive and maddening back & forth cluelessplaining about how pixels ought to work. i exploded him in my mind.

just---- fucking. stick to selling the actual products of the company that you likely don't understand either and let me do my silly inconsequential nonconstructive job that contributes tiny little grains of sand towards the already grotesque amassed sterile fortune of some of the worst people on this continent / planet who keep the people living here in a fucking chokehold so they can see number go up in their bank accounts and embarass themselves on twitter. instead of slightly supporting or god forbid bettering the lives of literally any other living being..... PLEASE oh my GOD

[zombiesama]

Hows your job been going for you? Tell me all about it! if youd like. Is it stressful, fulfilling, wish you had better coworkers, or anything?

I really like my job! I'm a library assistant for a library system of 2 different libraries (the county library and the city library!) It's just nice lil repetitive actions to make life less monotonous lol + some customer service, but book lovers tend to be introverted and well behaved lol

Repetitive actions and other good tasks include:

shelving books

shelf reading (making sure books are in the right place)

peeling stickers off books

stamping withdrawn books

blacking out the barcode on withdrawn books

searching through the microfilm newspapers

I do a TON of shelving bc I'm fast and accurate at it (one of my supervisors told me so 🥰) so when I'm at the county library my supervisor there leaves the shelving to me while she works on important stuff to do with the book mobile and reader's advisory patrons. There's less shelving left for me at the city library bc we're supposed to all shelve books, not just me lol.

I really like most of my coworkers too! None of them get on my nerves thankfully. my favorite coworker is an older woman named Shelly! She's so sweet and positive and I almost made her cry telling her that after I came out my brother figured out he was also trans. Shelly thinks it's so cool that me being myself helped someone else discover themselves lol

I think the worst thing about my job was when we had to review every book in the children's and young adult sections bc of a stupid law. I HATE reading novels, my adhd makes it hellish. I need pictures or I die (I only read graphic novels)! But thankfully that's over!

Oh it also sucks when there's no tasks to do. I got in trouble for reading too much so I try to avoid reading when people are around, but sometimes it's just so slow I can't help it lmao

[icedmetaltea]

Lil update, today is a lot better (just journal ramblings, gonna delete yesterday's nonsense cause I'm gonna guess sleep deprived Metal rambled a lot)

OK FINALLY GOT A SOLID 8 HOURS OF SLEEP, it's raining today so no more damned housework thank FUCK

Emailed the supervisor of the therapist last night (cause she said I could if things got bad and they may be able to get a substitute to talk with me this week) and he was nice enough to get me in for a talk today, just being able to talk through stuff with someone helped a whole lot ;- ;

Found the form I need the doctor to fill out (was buried under tons of letters), confirmed it was the one I need, called doc office to confirm someone else can take the form to be filled on my behalf (or SHOULD, unless they're also wrong) so my sister should be able to bring it over for me bc again I can't go anywhere in car atm

I think it's kinda funny cause lately things have been so bad I've literally been fighting with my imaginary friend. We haven't done that since like highschool!!! Do you even know how stupid it feels to have a screaming match in your head with someone who isn't even real?? Dear lord. But yea we're doing a lot better now thank fuck cause do u even know how jarring it is to have an imaginary friend give u the cold shoulder, like damn even the person you made up won't speak to u. Kinda is important when u depend on said person to take care of things like dissociation when anxiety gets bad

Today is a lot more "lucky" according to OCD brain so I'll savor it while it lasts (OCD brain also wants me to believe the nail polish I wore yesterday made the day go so badly and like... honestly tempted to toss the bottle out after all that shit, I was literally taking the polish off as fast as I could while on the phone realizing the telehealth appointment wasn't gonna be a thing)

Think I may have some kind of nut allergy cause I did notice last night I got that awful lump-in-throat strangle-y feeling in my throat after eating an energy bar with nuts and I had that panic attack on Tuesday after eating nuts. Maybe it's a very mild one??? But then how would I just not notice till now. I've eaten energy bars and had peanut butter sandwiches many many times and never noticed it. But at the same time it's worth a try to see if it prevents the choking feeling, who knows

On the bright side of things, was able to do a lot of drawing for the game! Almost entirely Jack stuff cause I wanna focus on one character at a time 1. so I don't overwhelm myself 2. so I can help idk make them more fleshed out as I'm able to put my all into just one for a while

Gonna play more Anchorhead and maybe read some more moby dick + 20,000 leagues :> (I'm like 40% through 20,000 leagues which makes me sad already... I just wanna read 200 books where it's just nerdy old scientists gushing about marine biology)

[saltymongoose]

Hey Salty! I made a Birb AU for yer SAM:PN

Basically, the Player who's also a bird handler for a wildlife sanctuary happened to get into a situation where the bois turned into Birbs for who knows how long.

They pretty much constantly wear their protective bird gear as to not get clawed in by the bois who constantly try to perch somewhere on Reader, with Hank as the biggest offender.

As for reasons the kind of birbs they are;

Hank's a Harpy Eagle cause of how they're really strong and big, being known as one of the strongest birds of prey on earth.

Sanford and 2BDamned are both owls bc of their canonically similar body builds.

Sanford being a Snowy Owl cause of how they square up and win against many different opponents. Snowy Owls can and will pretty much fight against animals bigger than them.

2BDamned being a Great Horned Owl being similar to Sanford. Stronk bois and their whole vibe of being intelligent and shit. It just fits him really.

Deimos as a Peregrine Falcon cause of him being a quick lil guy yet still dangerously good at his whole killing thing yanno?

Sorry if this doesn't make much sense lol. Not the best at describing things the way I wann'em too

(Harpy Eagles are so hard to draw. Also, sorry if Deimos is a lil too bright. I'll likely try to fix it later)

Omg! This is fantastic, I absolutely love it. <33333 You were spot on with your analysis of which bird they should be, with how Sanford and 2B would be owls because of their similar body builds while Dei is a peregrine falcon because of his speed. Hank being a Harpy Eagle is just such a good idea too, considering their size and how they excel at hunting.

This drawing is also really cute too, especially since you included their masks and other unique details. They're honestly just really adorable, even if their constant attempts to perch on you could get a little annoying. I can definitely tell why the Player had to use special protective gear since I don't think having four large birds of prey on you would be very light haha.

Speaking of the Player, while I'm not sure how the boys would end up as birds, it certainly wouldn't stop their attempts to "cuddle" with you. If anything, it just might make them do it more; it's not like Doc can do any work without hands, and the boys probably aren't effective at their missions like this (unless we're talking recon, cause who'd suspect a bird of spying on them). So now you have to deal with four huge birds attempting to take your attention, usually by perching on your arms and shoulders or barrelling into your lap so you can pet them. I can also see them attempting to impress you by flying and doing some tricks they figure out (mainly Deimos, but Hank definitely isn't opposed to doing the same).

(Although, they probably wouldn't have the best grasp of flying once they're first turned. Watching them crash goes from funny to horrifying real quickly once you realize just how brittle their now-hollow bones are. Luckily for you, they're quite sturdy, but it's not like they're unwilling to play up any injuries they might get just to feel you touching them and have you looking them over for longer.)

Also, I can see them just randomly attacking grunts if you have to go out (to get them food, no doubt) and someone is stupid enough to get in your way. Like imagine just being an agent and trying to capture this target the Auditor apparently needs back, only to be swarmed by four birds; having their talons claw into you as they peck at your visual cross and screech at you. And then having to explain to your supervisor why you're covered in so many bloody scratches and without the "Player."

You'd also probably have to explain to Jebus what happened because I think he'd probably be furious to find you without anybody for protection if he visits one day. He'd understand at the look of the odd birds who hang around you though, but you might have to stop Hank from trying to mess with him once he gets too close to your personal bubble. (And don't even get me started on Tricky; it's hard to kill him as a grunt, but Hank's not above trying even if he's not one anymore.)

[that-cheer-up-anon]

Finally home at 7:20pm and man. Today was just NOT GOOD.

This morning I had a crap breakfast (mostly just me chugging milk so I had something in my stomach for my antidepressant) an early doctor appointment, which I them had to immediately go to work bc they asked me to come an hour earlier than I was expecting. Didn't get a lunch break bc I keep forgetting to take a break, so that didn't help.

I was just. Struggling so hard. My anxiety and suicidal thoughts were just flowing over from yesterday really bad. Basically all of my rooms were given to somebody else bc I couldn't even fully complete one room. I didn't even get to do my stayovers (easy rooms) bc I was struggling so bad.

We were out of SO MANY THINGS. Like BED SHEETS. The FIRST THING you do when you clean. So I was already madly thrown off from the get go. It got so bad that I had a supervisor come to help me and then a second one bc the first was meant to be done for the day. Also they said "I'm Helping Ella" and "she's struggling" in the same message. She also told me to I go to the boss and request a partner bc I wasn't ready. They also asked if it was my first or second day. I've been here a week.

They both asked what was up w me and I just.

I wanted to jump out the window.

I tried to hold back so many dang breakdowns over beddings bc I was finding it just SO DAMN HARD, and every supervisor that came after my room that I was around to hear hated my beds.

Like if you hate my lumpy wrinkly beds so much TEACH ME SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP HEARING HOW SHIT THEY ARE! TEACH ME SO I DON'T KEEP BEATING MYSELF UP OVER HOW I'M A DISGRACE TO THE HOTEL AND FEEL LIKE I'M LETTING DOWN MY COWORKERS AND GUESTS!

It's not my fault I wasn't properly trained! I was given a partner on my first day who had only been there 2 weeks. She taught me how to do the beds ONCE, but I was slowing her down so she kept doing the beds and didn't teach me. The next day I was paired up w someone as new as me. Then I was basically left on my own from then on.

I HATE DUVET COVERS!!!! ALSO I tried to look up how to do hotel bed videos and NOBODY EVER TUCKS THE DUVET IN LIKE I HAVE TO AT WORK! NOT EVEN OTHER 5 STAR HOTELS. I'm starting to think WE'RE the crazy ones tucking in the duvets!

Anyways, cried in front of the boss. Got told off for being a sucky communicator, even though I did ask for assistance in the group chat but nobody got back to me. I will admit that I need to be better at communicating though. My anxiety definitely did not help. Constantly felt like a let down and that I was gonna be fired for asking for help.

Luckily got partnered up for the rest of the day, but man, was today rough. Tomorrow I'm getting paired up again (thank goodness). Everyone asked me what was going on w me today and I honestly just. IDK! I'VE JUST BEEN STUPID CRAZY UNENDINGLY STRESSED AND HYPERVIGILANT AND IN SURVIVAL MODE FOR FAR TOO LONG BUT I CAN'T LET UP ON IT OTHERWISE I WILL DIE!!!!

My brain won't shut up! Ever! Even when I'm busy at work. I'm having thoughts of missing people, me also trying to play music in my head, anxiety about work and coworkers, worries and thoughts about salary, bills, where I'm gonna move, if I'll manage to keep ahold of this job, is it worth trying to get a second worse paying job but is in walking distance? But then what about when I move out? Is it worth trying to get that second job if I'm going to hopefully be moving out within the year where it's no longer going to be a convenient place to work? I don't have time for my hobbies bc I'm trying to work and get money but I also need a break to do chores and Beauty schoo research exam, but also if I take a break what if my job fires me? I don't know the next time I'll have a job, and trying to remember what I was just doing ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

I wish I could listen to music to help distract my brain but then I'll lose track of time and blah blah blah ADHD issues. And we're not meant to have earphones bc we need to be able to hear alarms and I don't have wireless earphones.

Whatever. Tomorrow will be better. Hopefully less tears

[nanamicide]

this is under a read more to not clog y'all's dashboards but it ain't anything bad dw

i've been overthinking this since monday and i've talked about it around me irl but i think it's not helping bc it makes me feel like no one is really considering my feelings/pov on the issue (everyone has the same opinion on what i should do lol tho for different reasons) so i'm turning to you guys even if none of you really know me that well - you don't have to respond but if you end up reading this any input would be appreciated

basically, anyone here who's had more than 2 convos with me knows i wanna do a phd once i finish my masters. to do a phd you need to have (a) a thesis supervisor (b) funding. where im from there are several days to get funding. most of them can be pretty tough to go through but they say that if you're good at what you do it's not really that hard. however, there is a shortcut to this - finding a supervisor who already has funding for a given project.

i'm currently doing my master's thesis under a supervisor who's lovely. i get along with her really well, she's really helpful, is always very supportive, etc. i'm also really fond of the project we're working on this year and i was hoping to take it further by basing my phd thesis on it. she agreed, said we'd start looking for funding next year. all was well and good until then.

on monday we had class with a new doc - he got a position at my university in november. brilliant guy, specializes in psycho-oncology, has done plenty of interesting research, etc. but the vibes are like, off. as a professional, i'm sure he's amazing. as a person, though, idk. now i know, don't judge someone you've only seen in class for 3 hours and blah blah but i'm a great believer in first impressions for whatever reason. anyway, at the end of class he asks if anyone would be interesting doing a phd after graduating. i raise my hand (and i'm the only one who does so so all the attention is on me lol). he then tells me that it's really cool because he'll have funding for a phd student right after i graduate. y'all already guessed it - it's an amazing project, something i would be super happy working on. it would make my life easier because i wouldn't have to look for funding. the money would already be there. i'd have nothing to worry about for the next 4 years except getting the work done and publishing. pretty cool, right? i'd be stupid to pass on such an opportunity. that's what everyone irl told me. and honestly, part of me agrees. i know this is good. i mean, my mom even went on to say it was a sign that he'd receive funding for a field i'm interested in with such great timing. maybe she's right, idk.

so yeah, my issue is that i don't really wanna work with him because i already have my dream supervisor. except dream supervisor, as amazing as she is, doesn't have funding. so idk what to do. i have a few months to think it through but i can't seem to not think about it already. it kept me up last night and i think i'm at my limit overthinking it, tbh.

anyway, sorry for rambling like this. i don't make this type of posts very often because i like to keep the personal info i share online to a minimum but i really have no clue what i should do. thank you for reading my word vomit if you got this far!!

[audiovisualrecall]

Woke up at 4 to pee and now it's 4:40 and I can't fall back to sleep because worrying about something I did at work hat was dumb and a bad decision and I feel horrible and anxious about it so I found out you can schedule text messages so I texted my supervisor abt it and scheduled it to send at noon tomorrow, bc he has seen me make a mistake and then feel stupid about it and be dumb dramatic over feeling embarrassed and like a fuckup but oof the message is like. 5 paragraphs long. I separated them so it's not a wall of text. Anyway so I know he like. Knows how I am and we're friends so it's OK to text him, but it is a LONG text. And it's dumb anyway bc I'm a mid tomorrow and I'm going to feel stupid going in and I can't call out bc that looks worse and is very much on brand for mimi feeling embarrassed, but it was just such a dumb call that I'm doubting everything. And when I go in tenzing will probably want to talk to me. And just the worst part isn't that I cleaned up the mess that was left behind, it's that I decided to wash the knife and bowl left behind even tho I don't fully get the washing process they use and now I worry I didn't clean them properly and it'll cause problems food safety wise. And there's no way to let anyone know until the actual morning bc it's 4am. I should have just left it all and put it in the recap and left!!! As it is I erased the proof except for the things I didn't clean up bc I realized how late it was, and then it turned out I was so late to leave that I missed the second bus so my dad had to drive out to pick me up. And also I was crying, like full out crying over this because am I actually qualified to be a supervisor when I make stupid decisions? Am all I doing is setting myself up for failure repeatedly which is bad for my mental health (bc I have RSD)?

Anyway so it's now 4:50AM and I'm still awake. Obviously writing a long ass text to imran wasn't enough to get it out of my head enough to sleep bc I'm writing this. I told my parents I don't want to be supervisor but I'm not sure after all, because I do feel satisfaction for doing some of the work. It's just the actual supervising and leading that I'm not enjoying and don't feel comfortable with after all but felt like I needed to go for it bc I already was and had been saying I wanted it. But I don't want to give up on doing some of the work that I enjoy. I just don't want to do the part of it that I feel like I'm screwing up at repeatedly, struggling with, etc. I don't want to set myself up for failure, I want to do my job and do good work and I like team trainer so I think I want to focus on that, too, instead of supervisor. But there's no one else, I'm trained, so even if I say I don't want to be sup after all, I don't want to lead closes unless it's an emergency, I'm still probably going to end up doing leads for closing at least up thru Thanksgivng week, which is not what I want. And I'm not 100% sure. If someone tells me it's fine just make the better decision next time, and check these things and remember them etc, I'll probably be like ok yeah. And then I'll screw up again but whatever. It's also dumb that I was like oh I signed off on those things being cleaned but they're not! I should clean them myself now! When a) I knew it was already late, and b) they don't care if the sign-off is accurate just that it's done and no one would've asked about it and I could've just said I was told to just sign off anyway if i was asked! I should have left it!!!!! And I left other stuff that was also signed off anyway so???

Now it's 5AM and I just lost almost an hour of sleep to this. I should have just tried going back to sleep immediately instead of picking up my phone, I probably would've fallen asleep probably!!!