#bc the dissociation hits so hard and heavy. like my neck stops supporting my head sometimes and i slump forward and its awful and scary | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

piplupod · 1 year

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certain sense of uhhhhhh ominous je ne sais quoi to knowing parents return tomorrow ,,,, a feeling of ... shall we say,, doom?

sometimes i have a sudden realization of how insane this all is. like. how the fuck am i living through this. this is so genuinely wack. how am i surviving this, how is THIS how i live. i just wake up every day and deal with this ??? this has been my entire life??? i just... exist in a state of constant genuine feeling like a prey animal cornered in a cage, and there is not a way to stop that.

and i know many many countless other ppl exist in and are stuck in abusive situations and I'm not special for this, but i also know countless other ppl AREN'T experiencing this and won't ever experience this and all of that fucking makes me ill. nobody should experience this, but sometimes i get so /angry/ about how i was dealt this hand, and it didn't Have to be like this.

and other ppl get to use coping mechanisms and all the pithy platitudes that people throw around help, but I hear it and it's just like someone is handing me a kleenex to try to stop the flow of blood from an entire limb being torn off of my torso.

but then the disconnect haze settles back over me and I can be okay again (..... """""okay"""") and keep trudging along and not kill myself and be a decent person to be around. and then i wake up and go through it all again

#sorry fjdksl will delete this later #brain is working really hard to stop the panic attack dhfkdl but all its doing is making me tired and annoyed w myself #i cannot experience emotions dbfkdl they make me too erratic and a suicide risk fjfkdl #but its exhausting like. i will get a huge wave of emotion and i sit there looking like I've exited my body bc i cannot move #bc the dissociation hits so hard and heavy. like my neck stops supporting my head sometimes and i slump forward and its awful and scary #bc on some level i know i am just going to be like that for like five to ten mins but on the other level ... its all fog babeeyyyyy #and i just Cannot do anything abt it djdksl it sucks #anyways. shhhh shhh no more complaining no more being sad time to go draw in bed bc its comfy and u can Create and thats cool #if not for Creating i would be in a constant state of Staring Horrors Directly In The Eyes #creating lets me put a blindfold on :] the horrors are still there and being felt but i dont have to stare at them :o]#OKAY STOP FJFKDL SHUSH. GO DRAW. sorry fhfkdl going to go draw and be normal and quiet and okay #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #abuse tw

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