#bc rn i certainly dont feel human

[hope-is-reason]

So like idk how many people are here ready to answer a random stranger (there are literally only three people that I talk to often and that are my mutuals — all from irl and i dont even remember one of the urls) but i am on the verge of tears i want to do something to my room so that i feel this spiraling less and what are the cheapest options for someone who can only spend like 300-500 rub total (€3-5 or how much idk dont remember anymore) in the next couple of weeks or so on non-vital things and also cant paint the furniture

I have like palm sized blocks of pink and green polymer clay, half this size in beige, cute-ish string lights somewhere, and candles that bring literally no joy. Also shoeboxes ive been thinking about turning into storage but like i have no idea how to overall turn black-tan wooden (yay eco-consciousness) furniture into white-cyan-purple-magenta plastic dream type of thing and i feel like literally throwing up from how little control over my own life i have

Also i hate all these 'cores' but im torn between mermaidcore and cybercore if i may describe my wishes

[frayedcircus]

Whatcha thinking about rn?

i like horror, but you know what i like more than horror? what happens after the horror. what happens to the ones who survive.

an experience like that leaves you pretty messed up, especially if the events were in some way supernatural. like what are you gonna do when a demon kills all your friends? the cops show up and find you covered in blood, surrounded by bodies and you’re gonna tell them it was a demon? a monster? a ghost? there is no way they’ll believe you. and if they don’t think it was you, you’ll probably get institutionalized for telling people what really happened.

but if you choose to lie, keep the magical business a secret, you’re left with this horrible truth rotting a hole into your mind. you can reason away the events, try to forget it, but something like that will never really fully leave you. maybe you manage to block out at least the ghost parts, but those memories, that fear, will always be lingering in your subconscious. you will always, in the back of your mind, know.

and you’re suck with this. alone. everyone else who would fully believe you is dead. anyone you tell might apprehensively listen to your story, but they can’t fully believe you. how could they? they weren’t there. they didn’t see it all. but you did. only you did. you’re alone in this truth, no one to tell, no one to talk to who would really listen.

it’s a special kind of loneliness, the isolation that comes with such a burning secret.

(tma the lonely tma the lonely???? i could talk a lot most abt how this ties in specifically with the lonely from the magnus archives)

the horrors you experienced cast a shadow over your whole life, your whole future. what’s the point of anything if there are demons and monsters and horrible evil things beyond mortal human powers? college certainly seems insignificant in the face of an eternally hungry evil.

it’s interesting to see how traces of these themes show up in media that isn’t horror as well. children’s media where the teen main character discovers another world? so often in those stories, keeping this discovery a secret from their family and the rest of the world is a major point of distress. We see them bonding with people in this new world, but when they inevitably have to return to their own dimension, of course it’s so much harder for them to connect with their peers or participate in normal activities. befriending jessica seems a lot less significant now that you’ll never be able to share with her this place that is so important to you. history class or ballet lessons dont seem so useful when you’re learning to cast spells with your new fairy friends.

in more recent media(i’m thinking of two specific cartoons that i won’t name bc spoilers), the main characters share a lot more with their family and friends, and they’re mainly very supportive and loving which i find really nice. it helps the main character feel grounded in their own world and less isolated.

anyway back to horror movies, so many of them cut off right after the “final girl” is saved, which i think is a real shame. i knowww i know the main plot is over and the after stuff isn’t really necessary but MAN is it interesting. show me the survivor going back to school and not being able to find words for what happened when someone asks. show me them debating how much to tell their family and friends. show me them trying to return to normal and ignore how everything feels hollow. show me them struggling and healing and falling apart. pls and ty.

(also like two hours ago i saw a guy with the LONGEST pair of wireless earbuds i’ve ever seen and i’m still reeling from how strange they looked)

[xshimaeraxx]

being cupioromantic sucks dick, and here’s why (says i, a cupioromantic)

Before ya’ll shout at me in the tags n shit: i am, myself, cupioromantic. I am saying this bc this is how i, personally feel abt being cupioromantic, and why its so goddamned depressing (at least for me).

Being cupioromantic, for me, is like a constant battle of wills, almost. It contradicts itself, over and over and over, even though i know- logically, that being cupioromantic isnt a contradiction. It just sucks ass.

for anyone who doesnt know: cupioromantic is (quoting google here btw) “describ[ing] a person who wants a romantic relationship, but does not feel romantic attraction”. Which, um, FUCKING SUCKS.

bc i aint never gonna have a partner. The fact im aegosexual (or js ace or acespec in more simple terms) js makes that harder, bc i aint never gonna have sex, least not voluntarily. So i cant feel for my partner romantically, which is what like 80% of the world is looking for in a partner, and i cant have sex either, bc i js dont feel that way for ppl. And i never will. (Refering to both sexual attraction & romantic attraction here btw).

so that takes out all my options. Bc i can love people, yes, but not in the way that (most, nearly all) ppl want. But i dont wanna be alone til the end of my days, so where does that leave me?

bc, sure, ill have friends & family & hopefully a cat or two bc, yes, i am a crazy cat person. I actually currently have a cat rn, actually. (His names Bear, hes a black cat & i love him w/ all my heart, but still, my point stands). But i want a partner.

i want someone to kiss, and cuddle, and hug, and love. But bc of what i am, a afab human-person thing whos only social life & interaction other then my parents is via online spaces bc due to my lifestyle i js dont have any other options, an aroace who cant like-like some1 like that and who doesnt want to have sex and doesnt feel sexually for irl people and who never will

i js. I cant have it. Unless i luck out & meet a fellow aro, or ace, or aroace out in the wild, which is- extremely unlikely, tbqh, i wont ever have it. And thats not even the worst part, bc being cupioromantic is, believe it or not, a double-fucking-edged sword.

The few times ive tried to explain to my online friends what i want in a partner, ive constantly felt like im invalidating myself, and it fucking sucks. Bc what aro wants to kiss, and hug, and cuddle and what proper aro wants a romantic relationship??

i dont know how to explain it in words, tbqh, so ill do it via example.

so, fun fact! I only recently found out that im cupioromantic. Oh, i knew i was aro, certainly, but not cupioromantic bc i didnt know it was a thing. That like. Actually existed. (And by recently i mean last-fucking-night)

previously i hadnt thought abt it much tbqh. Then, my friend brought up the subject of love. I said, “i mean realistically no one will ever love me”. My friend responded w/ a gif that flashed the word “lie!” (LMFAO).

to summarise, what happened was i tried (and failed) to properly explain what i wanted in a partner w/o invalidating myself (and failed, im pretty sure). Then, my friend said “so cupioromantic?”

I looked it up, andddd went “oh. Oh fuck dear lord this is me. Well, im fucked.” Now i didnt say that, of course, but, yea, u get the gist of it lmao.

basically, the whole point of this example is that being cupioromantic and not invalidating urself bc u js dont think ur vaild is. Hard. Very very hard.

Now, i am in no way saying cupioromantic is not a vaild identity/romantic orientation, bc it completely is. This whole post is js me trying to deal w/ the fact i dont think im vaild when i know, logically that i am. My brain is js- having a hard time accepting that, ig.

ANYGAYS imma end this whole rant thingy now b4 this ends up being 2x longer then it already is. Gn ya’ll! (Yes i do know it is 7:35 am as i am writing this shut-)

[notcolleen]

tw for very rambling suicidal ideation behind this, i promise i am safe 👌 (but blunt talk about death and rambles abt cats and mentions of pokémon 👌)

[[MORE]]

but i have not been this actively suicidal for extended amount of time probably ever, yet i say that knowing that i will stay alive indefinitely……..just really really really sad all the time 😌 (so please know that too and allow me to write this out lol)

it’s just a very overwhelming sense of staying alive out of obligation and that’s not exactly what dbt would call a Life Worth Living

but i am obligated to my cat first and foremost (as ridiculous as that might sound to some but i know others will understand lol) and to my family as well, and the guilt of leaving them overwhelms me even though i know logically i wouldn’t be alive to feel it….like i look at phoebe (the cat in question for those who don’t know) and i see a wonderful animal who didn’t sign up to be taken in by a severely depressed human — she deserves unconditional care and love and that is what i agreed to when i adopted her so that is why i am obligated to stay alive as long as she is alive

plus on a more practical level, when my ideation gets to the point of “okay let’s try to find an equally loving home for her ! maybe even someone who has more space and more time and more emotional bandwidth !” im like wow that would be pretty obvious to anyone that knows you that something is wrong lmao and also i get so sad at the thought of not having her in my life……..which contradicts the “i actually want to be dead” ideation and brings on my next unwavering reason to stay around……which is my extreme fear of death and the unknown

like…….that’s terrifying and idk how it’s just basically accepted that we as humans exist and then stop existing? and that’s it? like a hs classmate of mine just passed away less than a week ago and i can’t stop thinking about it, i selfishly can’t stop thinking how unfair it is that i am sitting here, literally abusing my body every minute of the day and not taking care of any part of my self and yet my health is essentially perfect?? yet she was genuinely one of the nicest ppl in this horrible town and breast cancer took her life and if that doesn’t prove that this life has no logic at all idk what does

and it’s terrifying bc i can’t comprehend what happens after bc in my mind there just can’t logically be any after but there also can’t logically be nothing so it’s just….overwhelming blankness

so now i wake up every day and i cry on my walk to work because i have the same compulsive thoughts about dying at the same spots on the same walk bc my brain is dumb and repeats everything

but also keep thinking about how that would affect the kids i work with, who tell me they love me every day and hug me even though they’re not supposed to and tell me i’m they’re favorite teacher when they’re not supposed to but it’s really only because i’m the only one that knows pokémon enough to print out the coloring sheets they want so it’s conditional love but i don’t even care bc it’s real to them and to me

but then i cry more bc i love them too but i still want to die and they would move on quickly but it would still be something in their life that they certainly dont deserve and wouldn’t understand

so i go to work and i pretend to be a good, caring person and it’s exhausting bc i am not, so i get home and it’s like a switch is flipped and i am an entirely different person with no moral compass and no desire to connect with anyone or be around anyone or do anything…..like at this point i have alienated everyone in my life and can’t see myself getting to a place where i can build connections again, my only social interactions rn are work and i get frustrated that i have to make the same small talk with my coworkers every day, i get frustrated that i have to partake in social niceties or that im expected to go to holiday parties and have lunches with these people who don’t actually know me and i don’t actually know them??

i did have thanksgiving with my family tonight and i know i have so much love for them, and i felt safe there for that time……but there was still this underlying emptiness to everything and even conversations with them, the people i am closest with and really the only ones i talk to anymore, felt surface level in a way that frustrates me and i can’t articulate it accurately but it’s exhausting and i am tired

and i was getting more anxious as i was getting ready to leave my parents bc the time alone after being with family is the hardest for me and my dad turned to my sister…..who had just had another fight with her husband….and said “just so you know, you can stay here tonight, you’re always welcome to stay here” and i started crying on my way home because that’s what i needed to hear tonight but he wouldn’t know that bc i can’t vocalize my emotions like a functional adult and go out of my way to make it seem like i’m doing better than i am so that my mom doesn’t worry

i know i need more help in terms of my mental health (also not in denial abt how bad my eating disorder is rn but that’s another issue that i’m not going to write another novel about rn) but idk what that looks like in my life rn and it’s hard when my depression is this bad because i keep coming back to “yeah i need more help but also it’s all pointless anymore lol” so i just go through my days completed detached and telling myself that any way i can cope is okay bc instagram told me 💖✨if all u did was survive today that is okay✨💖 but really it’s just me enabling apathy and destructive behaviors and moving targets of “i’ll do better once xyz”

idk how to end this post other than to say again that i am safe, just obviously not in a good place mentally but very much able to keep myself alive (i’ve been jaded by too many “instagram cares” messages after posting lol) (i know this is tumblr) (still jaded)

[doebt]

the idea that this way of living might continue into 2021 is honestly too much for me to handle

[t0rture-memoved]

17, 43, 57, 58, 66, 79

17. Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them?

not really?? i had a realization recently that i never actually had an imaginary friend, i just pretended that i did bc i thought i was supposed to.

43. Do you create art? How do you define art?

ye! i write, i sing, i make theatre, and i make visual art too! asking me to define art is something that i cannot comprehend atm lmao

57. Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

yeah prolly, to an extent i guess. i know i'm looking for escape, i got trauma i dont wanna deal with, i got loss i dont wanna think about, why do yall think i'm here begging for asks lmao. i dont think its a bad thing, really. nothing is bad in moderation. i deal with shit in therapy, i deserve some escapism.

58. Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity?

nah i dont think so lmao

66. How do you feel about the idea ‘an eye for an eye’?

depends. there are certainly situations where i think revenge is earned.

79. When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy?

sad music all the way! Corndog Sonnet no. 7 by Sincere Engineer and Anna by The Menzingers are on repeat rn. They are very appropriate for my current feelings.

[spohkh]

GOOD AFTERNOON I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION! Please tell me how Dean and Cas would have been if they were raising baby Jack! Also do you think Claire would have babysat for her little brother sometimes if their dads were on a hunt?

HELLO SARAH thank u for this ask that was designed to drive me, specifically, ins*ne ❤️

i feel like... okay. oh this is going to be SO rambling i apologize in advance. 

but ok so we KNOW for a fact that dean is a dad like he is just A DAD it is so integral to his being. he's caring and attentive and isn't afraid of the fact that kids can be gross or annoying because he recognizes that they are KIDS and need patience and care. so i feel like at first dean would just take over the bulk of the care for jack bc its just natural for him at this point. (IM THINKING ABOUT HIM BOUNCING THAT BABY IN WHATEVER EP THAT WAS AND ITS MAKING ME WANT TO CRY. HE IS SO GOOD WITH KIDS HES MEANT TO HAVE KIDS HES SO FULL OF LOVE!!!!) and cas ALWAYS looks to dean first when it comes to learning How To Be Human™ so he'd be watching what dean does to emulate him. i imagine theres a lot of "no no no--you need to support his head like THIS", and, "oh that means he's hungry here this is how you should hold the bottle", at the start of their care for him

GOD WASNT DEAN ALSO HUMMING A ZEPPELIN SONG TO THAT BABY HE WAS BOUNCING IN WHATEVER EPISODE THAT WAS (PLEASE SOMEONE DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT EPISODE IM TALKING ABOUT) HRRGHRGRGHGH LED ZEPPELIN LULLABIES BUT BETTER THAN THAT--BETTER THAN DEAN HUMMING HARD ROCK LULLABIES TO BABY JACK--CAS BEING LIKE OH YEAH THATS GREAT AND CASSSSSS HUMMNING HARD ROCK LULLABIIEISSS TO BABY JACKKKKK I AM GOING SUPERSONIC. 

ALSO its important to rmmbr that jack ISNT fully human so there will be things that only cas will be able to take care of. my fuckng god they really are the perfect pair to care for jack oh god im getting emotional. i have no idea what those angel-specific needs would BE.... like god when jack is especially fussy and his unchecked powers start to come out dean is like okie doke time to tap in the angel husband i cannae handle getting laserbeamed by my infant son rn 😌✌🏼 and cas is like honestly id rather deal with jack trying to suplex me into the fuckng wall than change his diaper. quite simply i must admit you humans are kinda nasty at times god bless. but yeah jack would have ALL of his needs addressed thanks to having a human dad and an angel dad which i think is so key!! and is smth that they did kind of have in the show but due to um fukcng EVERYTHING else going on i felt like his human side was kinda neglected and wasnt developed as much as it couldve/shouldve been, which led to, yknow, a lot of dangerous misunderstandings. jack certainly needs and deserves to have his WHOLE self nurtured and recognized.

also wow itd be so nice to have an eldritch interdimensional being who technically doesnt need sleep as your co-parent bc dean can get ALLLLL he blissful sleep he needs while cas takes care of the nighttime baby needs! UGH perfect

AND YES. OF COURSE CLAIRE WOULD BABYSIT JACK. GOD IF EVER THERE WERE A GIRL DESERVING OF A YOUNGER SIBLING. she has older sister syndrome ANYWAY. also shes dean kin so i think itd be REALLY funny if dean is like are you SURE youre okay to take care of him? remember hes a nephilim like he has powers it can be really dangerous when he gets too worked up. actually forget it we'll call rowena or something i dont want you to get hurt. and claire is like dad. for real. just fuck off and go kill the werewolves or whatev i got this. and when they get back from the hunt they come back and jack is like fast asleep beside claire, who is ofc completely fine, and deans like did nothing happen??? claires like WHO do you think youre talking to of course its all fine he was a perfect angel (snicker snicker) because he likes ME. like jack goes down so easy for claire hes just always so calm and happy with her, never fusses, dean is like WHAT gives like not wanting to admit hes a little jealous that jack has never tried to laserbeam HER and shes like what can i say? sibling privilege. we have an understanding :) like father like daughter shes just a natural caregiver. dean is so proud. cas is so proud. they are so happy. oh my god. they love their kids so much. 

in conclusion. dean and cas would be the most loving parents a baby nephilim could hope for. just today MY dad said to me that parents never want their kids to experience the pain that they have experienced themselves. he said that bc i was upset he wouldnt teach me how to change the light fixture in my closet bc there was a live wire and he didnt want me to get shocked like he has in the past BUT THE SAME PRINCIPLE APPLIES where, i feel like ESPECIALLY for dean, they would do their utmost to raise jack (AND claire) with the care that was so lacking from their own childhood experiences. 

dean certainly tried with sam and did a good job, but he was a kid himself then and wasnt fully equipped to provide all the emotional support a child needs. now, as an adult in a supportive, committed relationship, dean will have the chance to REALLY devote himself in the way he was always meant to. 

and cas...well... whats more human than caring for your child? everyday his love deepens--his love for dean, his love for their little house, his love for the honeybees and the clouds in the sky. all things he was never meant to have any feelings for, he just loves and loves and loves more because of the little life he has with dean and claire and now his little baby. everyday he becomes more himself because of his love for his family, and he pours all of that back into them. he is just so adoring. he listens to every sound jack makes with keen attention, committing every nonsensical syllable to memory, because its all important. he wants to make sure jack knows how loved he is and how recognized he is and how appreciated he is, just for existing. he wants jack to feel seen and known, in the ways he never was by his own father.

the way dean and cas are with baby jack is that they try. fundamentally thats what its all about. just trying. because u love so much. thank u

[haloud]

episode 8 rewatch thoughts

yes im doing this because alex manes is a legend

holy shit isobel’s opening monologue in this episode is chock-full of meaning

“safety is so easy to take for granted. especially when you grow up loved.” as a picture of young max with a trophy transforms into michael’s mugshot

jesse has max’s house under full-on surveillance. hope someone did something about those cameras or else there’s going to be footage of noah and of michael throwing max out the window

“safety is a feeling you only value once it’s been stripped from you ... or worse, when the thing that makes you unsafe isn’t an invader at all.” isobel :(

lmao i cant even watch the scenes with mrs evans 

kyle bought liz a cactus! get you a man tbh

also fast forwarding through the noah scenes >:’(

jesse talking about “it’s not safe” and “for your own good you need to leave” shut the fuck up u bitch eat crutch

ok so like im not sure how we’re supposed to interpret some stuff like how much is isobel and how much was noah all along but it’s kind of super fucked up that isobel almost made kyle a murderer

i love a sassy guerin

“according to my mom, you were a little terror drawing [the symbol] all over the walls at the group home” maxwell you are on thin fucking ice with me rn

tho i do like that max recognizes that he’s forcing normalcy so goddamn hard someday it might just be true. love 2 b self-aware

i’ve talked shit about michael’s psychic connection coming and going with no indication why, but maybe this time it wasn’t actually psychic? like, if max and isobel are biologically related, maybe their electrical signals are the same and that’s why only max felt hers disappearing/felt cold and weird.

alex <3 <3 <3 <3

he’s all at once scary, incredibly competent and hot, and adorable in this scene ldjfdlkfjld l e g e n d 

iz, if you want kyle to take his shirt off all you have to do is ask

michael yeets discretion out the window

michael i know ur going through a lot rn but also i feel like liz is good for one (1) free slap after this scene lmao

i am Very Troubled that jesse knows alex has the ship piece

i wanna know what alex’s conspiracy chat room handle is

“finally, i called mom.” this sentence literally haunts me i NEED to know more about mama manes. alex certainly doesn’t sound happy about it but he still knows how to contact her??? what is the deal

you’re the flaw, dad ^-^

can i just say i love a storyline with an abusive parent where the emotional manipulation just straight up does not work. alex is having none of it god he’s an icon

“i want to destroy the thing you love. and i want to make you watch”

and then the picture of michael pops up

“so like i said. i’m trying to protect you.”

JESSE MANES DIE PAINFULLY CHALLENGE

the cinnamon topography

god jesse is a good fucking villain

let! liz! and! michael! be! friends!

“max may not see you, but i do.” yes!! liz is fucking dangerous!! it’s fucking fantastic!!!! 

the thing is, though, that max may see her as the smart, gorgeous, loving, brilliant girl next door, and he may overlook how dangerous and determined and righteous and terrifying she can be, but the thing is that she’s both

REAL LOVING LIZ ORTECHO HOURS

michael bb dont cry

equals in both science and twisting the knife guerin + ortecho bffs 4ever

i wanna know what’s under the tarp

michael telling liz he doesn’t even blame her for wanting isobel dead, confessing that they made liz leave so she has all the facts...he knows that he’d destroy anyone who took his siblings from him and he empathizes with liz despite his own pain and fear. this is the content. this is what we gain from the characters all being well into adulthood. god this episode is fucking good.

there’s probably some good stuff in these mrs evans scenes but i juuuuuust can’t

don’t...really know what we’re supposed to take away from noah punching the mirror tbh. maybe he’s pissed/freaked out that the serum even exists?

i am a kyle valenti stan first and a human second

still fucked up that if isobel had died she would have made kyle kind of a murderer?? izzy, girl, please never do that again

“blinded by your perversions” DIE

also love how rnm doesn’t make jesse Just Misguided like that he attacked michael bc he thought he was an alien that would hurt alex nope! he’s just a homophobic monster on an unjustified crusade! all villains think they’re the heroes but that’s not the same as gray morality and i’m so fuckin amped to watch a show that understands that

tear the bitch apart, alex!!!!!

maxwell :((((((((

maxwellllllll :(((((((((((((((((

alex handing his father back his gun is still the biggest dick move anyone has ever done like. good fucking lord. 

alex won’t be caught off guard, though. he knows that he hasn’t seen the last of his father. he knows that winning the battle isn’t the same as winning the war.

the scene where isobel is coated in silver is beautifully shot tbh

liz is a GODDESS.

A GODDESS

“besides, you and I weren’t meant to be together” isn’t that far off from a lot of the stuff malex has said/that’s been said about them, and we see how long that lasts. everything’s gonna be fine, y’all

jesse tryna get jenna to inform on alex DIE

i simultaneously hope that michael/maria is over quickly and that they can still be friends, because they were honestly pretty good in this episode

so the takeaway from this episode is that if anyone tries to say roswell is badly written turns out they’re completely wrong

[mifhortunach]

G0DFATHER PT 3 THOUGHTS UNDER THE CUT, MY DEEPEST APOLOGIES

these are mostly kinda edited a bit so that ppl other than me / me in the the far flung future can actually get what im at ig?? but otherwise mostly wrote this just after ig, or thought about them during the #flik - that said! im several drinks in rn, & have smoked a lot this evening, so keep all that in mind ig lol

---

it is mostly reiterating themes of the previous films (which im gonna get into, hopefully); but it’s VERY unclear to me what exactly it’s trying to get at - theres talk about how this is all bout like,, ~forgiveness; the bought vs unattainable nature of it & all, but truly I dont think that appears obviously/cleanly enough thru/o for that actually to be a like. Primary Theme in this vs a theme that was in mind but not taken to the fullest potential ykiwm?

I think performances are fine honestly, i LOVE diane keaton, think she’s being fuckn done dirty**, but by god do i wish she were still in more of this, lmao

eg wrt sofia coppola honestly??? like,, it’s a ‘bad’ enough performance that even *i* knew it wasn’t good, but TBH!! I think that’s an editing & directing issue rather than one w coppola herself yk??? like some of these scenes have extremely flat delivery, but surely a director that was looking out for both his cast & his movie would’ve/could’ve gotten smth better yk? at smth that didn’t sound like a fckn robot ig, ykwim?? two more takes & you couldve gotten her sounding fckn human at least. the most obvious example of this, and the worst part tbc, is the fckn kitchen scene where she goes to visit Vincent & theres pasta, yk how it is. Has all her lines facing away from camera, and ALL of them sound completely emotionless. I watched the siskel&ebert review of it earlier, & lbr, didnt have v high expectations going in, but I did agree w S that she does have a sorta guilelessness to her which is good! she seems SO young & unaware of the things that could go wrong - as well as coming across as someone - imo! - that has spent a lot of time having to play The Cute Kid as necessary in business/family stuff that while she knows what to do/how to do it, the role doesn't fit right anymore. if any of that makes sense - ALL of that said!! I think she was deffo failed by this, & I think a stronger/better version of this film would have to have someone else in that role :(

^^ wrt all that, like,,, imo the writing is Not So Great, which is the biggest issue, lotta parts of this don’t feel ‘right’ 2 me, wrt reactions, where ppl (Michael lbr) are (emotionally esp thru/o) etc etc - by which ig i mean, that there’s not enough seething going on in this one, ykwim? in a like,, Coiled Anger, there is NEVER a time after becoming the don that he is not Stewing over smth or other, & its just building up pressure but cannot be let out - one  moment of that in 2 is the abortion/divorce scene; otherwise its bottled.

& while still has some sudden outbursts of anger in this, but they feel kinda ineffectual, almost pitiful ig, idk. hes been defanged; theres NO menace to the Michael C0rle0ne presented here imo, except for in the areas where his reputation still proceeds him, and thats still all on the viewer to provide, certainly never gets felt. 

like, that said, theres a vision of this where all thats the case but it doesnt jar - like,, theres no flashbacks in this one, any comparisons/contrasts w Vito have to be coming from the viewer - but its hard not to immediately catch how much hes the fading away like Vito of the small couple of scenes before his death in the 1st movie. in a kinda,,, someone had begun to go Soft kinda way ig; a rotting fruit cant protect the interests of The Family, my successor is here id better ollie-outtie etc etc

if it were possible, & if BC ever did coppola, id wanna do this truly tho fhdbcjcnc 

think that,,, if there were a version of this that worked, still abt the legacy, moving on, kids etc; would NEED to cover a longer period && be set earlier in time; kids growing to resent or some shit?? idek, -the stretch into becoming legitimate business and the discovery of both its fundamental sameness to crime-business as well as the hollowness of it all ig

think there is some GOOD & rly HEAVY emotional weight to parts of this!!! but it is ONLY in subtext && what ur bringing to the view, doesn’t feel deliberate in the slightest from a dir pov imo - EVERYTHIng about kay! Anthony getting to run away to the life unassociated with the family vs the orig dream of that in the first, connie’s continued care-taking of Michael & the weird regrets she too holds bc she KNEW what was going on at points but never tried to change anything, the finally getting things #legit but its all corrupt all the way & its inescapable, etc etc  [yhis ties it like, my reading of Vito as like.. kinda idk, a loving father but one who was never REALLY there in a weird way, the presence is everywhere but hes always so BUSY, ygwim? vs Michael’s depiction here & what I would've imagined***]

***[I guess, what I would've thought, just coming from2, is that hes GONE, incapable of warmth ig; not for lack of care, but theres no way to connect; but in this hes like, godfathering & getting on w his kids & has ppl to turn to - which while probs legit, felt bad 2 me fjgfjgjgvj idk how to articulate it properly]

just like 2 echos 1; or like that essay says about them being essentially the same film remixed & recontextualised, this is that also - begins w a party, ends w multiple murders, old don trains a successor, a guy whose wicked like sonny is there (BIG thought of mine was that the guy playing Anthony should've played Vincent, bc he looks more like James C, but thats just my onion), convoluted murder plot to kill the head of the family, uhhhh

- running off of that, I REALLY wished thru/o that this has subs, bc the sound mix was rly weird & @ points I couldnt tell if ppl were talking- & if yeah, the fucvk about 

also im gonna say this badly but bears w me; ID like to read 1&2, or like,, the flashbacks vs ‘modern’ setting of 2 /, as more of a, Michael is doing what u DONT see Vito doing- all the coldness & murder & scheming are hidden in the flashbacks, thats all romance & period-dressing baby; & id like to imagine that parts of this are the same here, b 

movies that make pacino look SO VERY FCKN SHORT; like,,, obvs apparent elsewhere, but my fckn god, fhdbcjcndk

also, dunno if the old man make-up is rly that objectionable, if only bc it’s on screen for like,, 10s; DOES make him look like cohen a bit tho

obvs idk much about early italian american standing & stuff, but these always feel like they’re failing to recognise certain class angles ykwim? Mary as little cute spokesperson queen vs Vincent being a bastard mafia boy, the power that gets welded all bc they have SO much money yet theyre still not REAL Americans etc etc ig - like, it gets suggested, but in a way that rly suggests a lack of interest in it imo idk 

honestly maybe a BIG issue is that it doesn’t use the music ENOUGH yk !! like, 2 leaned HEAVY on it but still - ANYWAY, stan to ‘kay’ from the godfather pt 2 soundtrack - everything I managed to feel BIG in this film was honestly bc of this song

**by the script especially ! like, the whole ‘fwiw, I never stopped loving you michael’ stuff; dont get me wrong, I DO think thats one of the films stronger scenes; ditto honestly all the scenes w her & pacino. & I think thats one of the better written ones even; w his whole ‘oh u know I was going thru it- I *want* your total forgiveness, for everything’; which is So in line w ‘I realised I can change, I have the capacity to change’ stuff from 2, yk? but its been so long, & we saw so LITTLE of the pre-vito shooting Michael that him trying to woo her back on-side feels weird (which might be purposeful!), & kinda unnatural for the character ig, even w this ‘I gotta start squaring things off, ive got legit & im planning on retiring (to death ig????) soon’ stuff going on, idk. rugddhdutd ugh, all that said, kinda wish that there was a romcom version of this; winning her back, stopping being a self-obsessed presumpted asshole etc etc fgkshdfgkdshfgdks rip :’/

god anyway, im fckn tired, its almost 2am, heres what ur getting 

[jooheongif]

it's theory anon,hi!!how are YOU?i'm really good rn thanks:)) thank you for your kindness again,i'm really happy i could somehow help to help you feel even a tiny bit better and hope you're doing well now,too(and it's ok to not rest on your day off but it's also ok to do so if that's what you feel is right for you atm!).about the mf(ilm), i thought the same thing, it felt like a parallel universe type of story!i also really love plotlines about friendship, (again cont.i'll try to be briefer!)

(i’m so sorry i wrote a rly long reply so i’m gonna put this under read more !!)

2. friendship is beautiful and i feel oftentimes underappreciated(but not mx!there they go again being amazing) so i love the concept. personally i like not knowing what exactly the producers were thinking because having my own interpretation of something and seeing other ppl have their own fills me with wonder,like,that's art!so many people think so many different things and no one's wrong i love it!!your thoughts about them appreciating everything they've done so far,you're absolutely right(cont) 3. i hope they are able to bc everything's so hectic for the.i get lost just looking at their official schedule,i don't know how they do it but i also hope they are aware of all these things bc those are all mindblowingly huge accomplishments in my opinion and i just want them to feel like their hard work is worth it,yknow?(is this comprehensible?)and i know they feel pressure because as you said the business is nasty but yea i hope at the end of the day they can feel like (cont.???again 4. everything they've put so much of themselves into is worth it,i love their energy and fierce determination and i just don't want them to lose it but maybe as you said feel less pressured..but then the only way would realistically be to make sure they get awarded in the Real World so we're all doing our best in the system&hating it as you said:/ they just mean so much to so many people i want them to feel that too!i try to contain myself but here i go again! sorry it's so long AND i have more(con 5. also!thank you for your big reply and sharing your thoughts i mostly just agreed with (but you're right so what else can i do),i don't have mbb friends to vent to and fanperson(is there a gender neutral term for fanboy/fangirl?) over mx with and this is really nice and fulfilling(again,if i'm boring you,you can just delete the messages and not reply!) so THANKS!it's great to strive to be a better person but i feel like one(you) should also acknowledge the good things they're already doing(cont?) 6. you showed such pure kindness and really melted someone's(my) heart and that's a Big Deal!djkghddgwe can agree that we both inspired each other :') also please i feel like you're such a wonderful soul and you really deserve every bit of gratitude and appreciation i managed to express(i feel a lot moreprobably) so!yeah!reminder that you're lovely and deserve to be appreciated and i'm also very,very happy you're here!you made my day brighter for the 2nd time now wow!thanks! i hope you and(cont.:() 7. your gorgeous heart are taking good care and enjoying your day/night! and this cb!i really like it i haven't had time to listen to the entire album but jealousy!is a bop honestly it's my type of jam and the choreo is stunning and so are their voices!iwas so skeptical about the lyrics(they could've been like hero or stuck and those made me a bit >:/ honestly) but i really should've known they wouldn't fail me in any way ever!i can't wait to hear the rest of the songs i hope you enjoy them too!bye

hi theory anon, it's nice to hear from u again ! firstly, i am so sorry for the slow reply to this ! but im rly glad to know that u are doing good :-) i'm doing ok too thank u !! how are u ? kfjjfdsjfdf sorry that u had to read my tags but thank u for saying that !! i just feel so guilty when i do nothing bc im absolutely terrified of time passing too quickly ? just the thought of letting a few minutes go to waste is overwhelming ? even though i know it's not rational to think like this but ??? theres just this constant feeling that im running out of time so i try to get rid of it by always doing smth ?? and feel bad when i dont ? idk ?? but anyway im working on it and ill be ok ! sorry..not to be dramatic and tmi and all that kjdfdj istg this blog gives me too much freedom to say...too much :( (hope the internet folks that collect metadata never read the garbage i write bc..yikes they aren't gonna hav the best time) anyway..yea. what a paragraph to start off this reply :( sorry for the honesty and saying so much all the time btw :( not that being honest is necessarily a bad thing but ! idk every time i write smth i suddenly feel extra self conscious and feel like deleting it bc im rly embarrassed and always end up having big regret later when i reread anything ive typed up !! but i just keep writing them anyway bc...idk ?? i'd rly hate it if someone got discouraged from sharing their thoughts/worries/feelings which i think is a rly important human thing :( so  yea im rly embarrassed w anything i write but i'll keep doing it anyway bc i'm all for that kind of stuff and sometimes i know its not easy and it takes someone a lot to share that and its a good thing and i dont ever want anyone to feel discouraged from doing that ! anyway i just felt like i rly needed to say all of this..but pls dont feel obliged to reply to this mess !! anyway back to mx ! you are right :( i also hope mx feel like what they've done is worth smth w/e their definition or standard of that is :( like.. all of the hard work they've put into being mx it certainly means so much to fans but i hope all the hard work they've put into being mx also means smth to them at the end of the day and they are happy w what they're doing and what they've achieved so far :( and yes we'd love mx to always be rewarded in the real world :( though we love them and we want to get them a win, i know that everyone has their commitments, means and different circumstances and we can only do so much :( but even if u think its just a small contribution, everything adds up and counts and i know that all mbb hav contributed in some way in helping them get another win for this cb ! there are some mbb who can't buy albums or streaming passes and things and i hope they don't feel bad for this :( even if all you can do is watch the mv once or twice, even if you could only vote, i hope you know that it all counts and matters !! abt mx's schedule, i get tired just by looking at their weekly one idk how they can even put up w it all ?? after this they'll hav their japanese album and things and then they'll have their concerts and on top of all that apparently [some of them are also studying] ????? they are so hardworking :( HOW do they do it !! just..thinking abt their schedule is overwhelming !!! also pls dont think that you're boring me or anything like that :( im so thankful for any msg i receive and the fact that u actually took the time to type out smth to send to me ?? im so grateful ?? u are never boring !! honestly even if u sent me a stainless steel dishwasher manual w the page length of like..23 bibles, i'd still love u for it and i'd prob read all of it :( btw thank u sm for saying all those kind things !!! receiving kindness for the 3rd time is rly !!!!!!! and once again i've done nothing to deserve it :( i dont even know what i can say to you that will ever be enough to thank u again or to top what u hav already said ! if there was like a...maslows hierarchy of kindness of smth, ur at the very top of that triangle and anything i say will never be as kind as what you have said !! for you, i can agree that we both inspired each other :-) but really thank u so much from the bottom of my heart :( i hope you know how kind and lovely u are too ! if nobody told u this today, i wanted to say that im rly grateful to know u and i'm happy that you're here !! thank u again for being so kind and thoughtful and for making me smile !! :( same, i havent properly listened to the whole album either bc ive just been letting it stream in the background (but i dont count that as a proper listen unless i listen w headphones tbh) ill give it a good listen one day ! also im a repeat 1 kind of garbage person until i feel the need to listen to a new song ?? and rn jealousy to me is a song that gets better w every listen ??? shes too powerful atm :( one day ill listen to another song but today is not that day ! Actually.....I think jealousy is my fav mx song ???? before this cb i didnt hav a fav bc i couldnt pick the song i liked most out of blue moon/blind/fighter/incomparable. i was just gonna base it off the one w the most play count out of those 4 but now i know its jealousy ! what are ur fav mx songs ?? btw i know im always saying that anything mx releases is always a masterpiece no matter what, but in all seriousness its ok if u didn't like smth they released. i don't think it makes u any less of a mbb if u didn't enjoy a certain release or if u only liked one aspect of a thing but not so much the rest of the thing. anyway not to sound so...stale and commonplace but for lack of a better word/sentence, at the end of the day your own reactions and feelings to a piece of art like music...it's all just subjective isnt it ?? not liking that thing doesnt mean that its not a masterpiece or its any less of a masterpiece to someone else either so !! it's ok !! anyway this is rly....ive written a lot and its all over the place and incoherent probably :( i'm sorry !! feel free to reply whenever u feel like it, or no pressure on never replying at all btw ! also feel free to disagree w anything i say ! thank u sm for talking to me abt mx bc ive also got no mbb friends so !!! thank you :( theres so many times where i rly want to start a conversation w someone but im too scared and also i've got no clue abt how to initiate conversation ! and the times when i do manage to...i get stuck on how to keep the conversation going ? but when i figure smth out then im coming for u @ friendship !! i hope u had a good weekend and that you got some rest and that ur doing ok wherever u are !! until next time, take care ❤️❤️❤️

[theropoda]

🖊

(VIBRATES EXCITEDLY) HOO

its been a million years since ive thought about my ocs but playing tes sure has helped. putting this under a readmore bc Long

ive been thinking a lot recently about my khajiit dragonborn, akhiza, and it’s interesting to see how her change in character has reflected my own as a person. all my ocs are just horcruxes lmao, little pieces of me are all in them, so i guess it’s to be expected that they change as i do.

her character a coupla years ago was honestly a big bloodied edgelord who studied metaphysics and dwemer culture, getting into all that godhead and CHIM stuff. but recently ive peeled back a part of her that’s more human and calm and flawed which Still contains the same amount of “Edge” as she no longer studies metaphysics but rather the concept in tes about heroes in general and what their existence even means (although the pursuit of that kind of knowledge will eventually lead into metaphysics territory). shes still a bloody warrior kind of person, but no longer only because i thought it was a Cool Aesthetic but also because her dragon soul just makes her long for the feeling of dominance and being feared and take out her restless energy to be physical on very unlucky bandits.

on the dragon thing, i realized that it’d be super interesting to make the whole dragonborn thing a bigger part of her rather than just an ability. in the past i manifested it purely as oh she’s uh…bigger and stronger than others and she’s really strong and dangerous and she has sharp teeth and claws? (tbh i still make it like that) but it’s a part of her personality too.

the impact of her being a dragonborn will change as i learn more abt dragons but rn one of the Dragon Things is that she’s not very social. i mean she doesn’t mind being in social situations, she is socially skilled and knows how to pick up physical and subtle cues and sarcasm and etc but having relationships with other people isn’t as interesting to her. she can get so much out of this world purely by her own personal interactions with it, especially learning about the world, about fate and the history of it. there are so many different people out there and the people you meet enrich and diversify your life but akhiza doesn’t need that as much as others do. mer and men and beasts are highly social creatures but akhiza’s fine on her own. this doesn’t make her like, antisocial though. she still enjoys the company of others, though. she just doesn’t Need it. ugh my brain hurt tryna put this into word but basically she Does Not hate social interactions, sometimes she does enjoy it. i dont want the idea that shes super stoic and stuff but yeah

akhiza has thought many times of asking paarthurnax for advice on how to control these dragon aspects, but so far she hasn’t because it hasn’t ever gotten Out Of Hand, or at least she doesn’t think so. and it certainly helps, in some cases, when she’s fighting draugr deathlords and trying to focus on understanding a concept in a book she’s reading.