#bc my fanfic writer driven brain can't have normal coping mechanisms or develop reasonable ways to deal with conflict | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nutelloona · 1 year ago

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some nights I really wish my front door wasn't so fucking loud to open/close bc as much as I feel trapped and suffocated in my room on night like these, - and in my house in general, tiny apartments and all that crap that capitalism keeps blessing us with - dealing with questions or concern from my siblings is one of the most unbearable consequences I can picture

#I just know I won't be able to sleep tonight #as I also know that driving around the city wouldn't actually make anything better #there's the gas prices and the general street violence that also make those night drivings not as relaxing as they should be #but even if ignore all of that for a moment #I know damn well where would I end up driving to #bc my fanfic writer driven brain can't have normal coping mechanisms or develop reasonable ways to deal with conflict #every fucking problem I have has a dramatic ass speech ready for it with entire scenes and contexts that fuel the drama even more #no one deals with shit like that this ain't the final 20 minutes of a coming of age movie #my shit won't go away after a long emotional confession of mistakes and full on vulnerability #bc the person I'd make listen to it wasn't written by me and their reaction wouldn't be anything close from what I'd expect to hear #what I'd want to hear #tbh at this point I'm not even sure what I wanna hear from her #maybe I just want to hear ANYTHING from her that isn't this deafening silence that she decided it was enough to show how she felt #maybe I just don't wanna feel like I'm a huge joke for going through all of this by myself while she has no idea of any of this #there's just too much that I don't know where to put bc it should all go to her #I feel like I already did everything I could to make her acknowledge my feelings my hopes my needs my mistakes my whole fucking existence #but she chose to walk as far away as possible at the sight of all of that #I could type until my fingers bleed and shout until my throat exploded in flames but she still wouldn't listen #I wasn't even worth a reaction to her and it kills me every single day #there's no point in any of this rant and I know that #but it's all I have left #this is it

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