#bc my brain doesnt go “oh that wasnt that bad” after i got through something it rather remembers “omg that was an awful experience for my

[scentofpines]

tomorrow uni starts again and surprise! i'm terrified. i start archaeology this semester and tomorrow i only have one welcome event so it won't take very long but i'm scared that i will be alone again while, through some sort of magic, everyone else becomes friends instantly. or like it happened a bunch of times in my previous courses, i come into the room that is supposed to be filled with ppl that dont know each other and still everyone is basically part of a group already, happily chatting, except for me. and then i feel like the little girl again that no one played with lmao. i literally cry when i think about it too much, i have to hold back tears a lot when i'm on the train on my way to uni, because my inner child is apparently not very healed lol. at least i dont cry in the situation itself, because i'm so stressed and tense that i cant show emotions like that. i tried to make myself really approachable the last year and be very friendly (while still trying to be myself) and still ppl seem to clock from a mile away that there's something wrong with me. and also i feel like ppl (esp. my age) just refuse to put any kind of effort into conversations both on whatsapp and irl. like i was looked at as if i had grown a second head just for saying hello to someone, girl just say hi back wtf. and then the rest of this week (and the rest of the semester will be the same) will be hard af too for me. i'm so tired of feeling like this and i do just try to be myself but i can't bc i have to mask so hard, otherwise i would just stare at the ground with a blank expression and look like a psycho bc once i get there i'm already completely overstimulated and zoned out i fucking hate that these things are so hard for me

[madisonrooney]

two and a half months later and still making myself sick thinking about the legends ceremony /pos. dont see that ending any time soon. anyways.

see like. OBVIOUSLY i knew it was gonna take a toll on me but god...i didn't think it'd be this bad. but i think i'm starting to understand WHY it ended up being so much more intense than i expected.

for one thing, it's the only time ive seen miley and she wasnt like...the only reason i was there. ive seen her in concert twice and went to the launch event for her converse line. she was the main event at all three of those events. i went to the voice 9 times, and no, shes not the only attraction there, but she was the entire reason i went. had she not been a coach, i wouldnt have gone. the whole experience was fun dont get me wrong. i enjoyed the performers, the other coaches, etc. but its still an exhausting process that i wouldnt have gone through if not for her. not to mention shes present p much the entire time.

but in THIS case, its during d23, one of the biggest events of every 2 years of my life since 2013. and at the very END of it. they were like. hey. so you just had three overwhelming, exciting days full of your fandoms (PLUS d23 day at disneyland which was new) lets cap it all off with THIS. not to mention there were other legends i was excited to see too. and mileys part beginning and ending within like ten minutes was admittedly expected, but it still made it all the more difficult to process and wrap my head around.

they also WERENT GOING IN ANY SPECIFIC ORDER SO EVERY TIME SOMEONE WAS DONE I HAD TO MENTALLY PREPARE MYSELF. tbh im glad she was in the middle tho. having her at the beginning wouldve been overwhelming to start and had she been at the end i wouldve been like..stumbling out of the building lmao. the person who got awarded right after her was someone i didnt care too much about so i just got to black out for a bit. i almost needed to go in the hallway to cool down.

but like god. i fully dissociated during the best of both worlds performance like had to remind myself where i was, what i was doing, etc. likely at least partially due to my usual brain fog + sleep deprivation of d23 which almost always brings on dissociation, but also the surreal experience of hearing that song sung in that big of a venue...but also not by miley. (not that lainey wilson wasnt good, i just had to like...wrap my head around that yknow.)

i also ofc had the scare of getting my tix revoked. even once they said i was fine i was constantly paranoid something would happen and i wouldnt get to go. not even in that regard, bc i trusted that they fixed the problem, but that i would get sick or like SOMETHING would happen. and not getting to go wouldve like. destroyed me. in the weeks leading up to it i was literally knocking on wood constantly. like even at work. i was so panicked. i laugh a bit at it looking back but also like this is normal behavior coming from me lmao

i also thought it wouldnt overwhelm me as much as it did given that id seen her 12 times before, which is like...a lot to see this big of a celebrity. and 9 of those times were in a small lowkey setting for 3+ hours. so i thought "oh ive been normal around her before ill be ok :)" not thinking that had been 6+ years ago. the first 12 times i saw her were within just over 4 years, then 6 years went by without me seeing her at all, so that feeling in my brain of just seeing her casually was mostly gone. not to mention how much has happened in the last 6 years, namely quarantine.

i also had never seen her within the context of hannah before. not that she doesnt mean the world to me as herself, but hannah is really what saved me to begin with. so theres that.

anyway. if anything im glad its been more intense than expected bc im actually getting to feel something which i feel like ive been without for a while. and what im feeling is intense love for my favorite person, more intense than ive felt in years, so yah. it feels good.

[thesnowidol4life]

ruinene

what have you done 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

but yes <<<<333 i love them with my whole being <<<<333

1:What made you ship it

multiple things it was like god was forcing me to perceive them!

i was on the ao3 tag on day 2 of proseka being out bc i was that impatient about translations and ended up stumbling upon a ruinene fic there (no but its actually so funny bc not only was i not interested in wxs at the beginning, and even though i read every oc's basic description before the game came out, it wasnt until that moment that it clicked in my friends to lovers loving brain that "oh shit you can do childhood friends to lovers w them huh" . this really was the beginning of the end)

anyways it got worse as i read wxs' main story bc i realized "oh no im starting to enjoy them a lot uh ohh" (i blame things like rui only agreeing to join wxs at first so nene could have a chance to try performing again, "you have a bad personality/that makes two of us", nene being happy that rui's started enjoying doing shows w tsukasa and emu, rui snapping at tsukasa for making nene cry and tells her she doesnt have to push herself to perform anymore, etc. i never recovered from any of that i never will). then it got WORSE when my brainrot was getting enabled by my bestie. then it got WORSE WORSE when i thought about nene while listening to yuukei yesterday one day and by law if a character exhibits takane enomoto behavior i cant must get attached. so yeah now im here

2: What are your favorite things about the ship?

these two are my favorite depiction of the childhood friends trope in any piece of media (i know a lot of the things i love arent top tier writing for that to mean a lot, but also idc theyre the best)

this sounds weird on a post of me talking about a ship trope i love but i get really annoyed whenever im watching/reading something w childhood friends and a romantic aspect is applied to it bc itll always feel either like the romantic love is forced or that the platonic love feels forced. its such an easy trope to fuck up and it hurts bc its my favorite one. ruinene doesnt have this problem tho they stay winning like always

like theres a special kind of softness that comes through when they interact (using this as an excuse to remind people about how soft rui's voice gets whenever hes talking to nene one on one bc that killed me the first time i heard it). and you could look at it superficially like "it makes since they've known each other for 10 years" or smth but then when you learn more about their pasts its especially heartwarming to know that these two people who have such a hard time connecting with others were able to keep each other so close

and its even better when you remember wonder halloween showed that rui and nene did drift apart at some point in middle school which were very difficult times for both of them, yet they were still thinking about each other during that time

like even when rui was going through his depressive episode where believed he would only be able to create shows by himself forever, he still wanted to help nene after she developed stage anxiety and quit acting bc he knew that she loved singing and performing shows more than anything. hell i wouldnt be surprised if pre main story he tried multiple times to help her overcome her anxiety and main story was almost like a final try. and when nene was finally able to go on stage again SHE DID IT BC SHE WANTED RUI TO COME BACK TO WXS BC THATS THE HAPPIEST SHES SEEN IN HIM IN SO LONG AND SHE DOESNT WANT HIM TO BE ALONE AGAIN SO SHE WAS WILLING TO FACE HER FEARS AND PERFORM W TSUKASA AND EMU IN THE SHOW SO THEY COULD BRING RUI BACK GOD IM GONNA IMPLODE

ANYWAYS their comfort level is very appealing to me and i love it whenever it comes up.

also the way they get whenever the other is overcomes a problem is great, like when rui was able to make up w tsukasa in wonder halloween. nene's relieved that she could support rui during this situation bc she couldnt reach out to him during middle school and how she wants him to rely on her more bc she's his friend (the way she specifies between “weve known each other since we were kids” and “and also, we’re friends” made me cry for 10 minutes the first time i read it fr bc she wanted it to be clear to him that he isnt alone anymore and that their close friendship isnt just some old memory they were besties as kids and she's still gonna be his bestie and god im becoming more and more ridden w illness as I say this). theres also when nene is able to accomplish something difficult during a performance (perfecting her christmas solo during holy night and singlehandedly improvising her scene to save the play during mermaid) and rui just always looks like he just fell in love w her every time (this is partially a joke but also no whoever rigs the live2d models needs to answer for that shit) and afterwards he’s just very proud of her and doesnt let her forget it and ahhhhhhh stop being fond of each other it makes me lose my mind ahhhhhhhhh

theyre so funny together too. theyre both such little shits that i love watching them whenever they pull a tag team roast on tsukasa or when rui is planning some bullshit and nene just accepts having to witness her bestie's actions. this isnt even mentioning the comedic goldmine that is picnic. the fact they were out having a nice cute hike date so nene could build stamina for their shows meanwhile mizuki ena airi and shizuku are on the other side of the mountain actually in danger of dying will never not put me in hysterics

its like theyre so imperfect in their own ways and its caused problems for them in terms of how they interact w the world but at least they love each other and have for so long and its like YEAH THATS THE LONG TERM CHILDHOOD BEST FRIENDSHIP EXPERIENCE THANK YOU

also this is more of a meta/gay aspect to all this but i,,, absolutely love the way they sound together in songs. out of everyone in the game they're my favorite voices. I can and will be the no. 1 supporter of ruinene duets bc whoever decided to cast machico and toki shunichi for those two is seeing heaven. the 5 second ruinene harmony near the end of miracle paint caused me to question if i was bi. the ruinene nijiiro stories alt has been my ringtone for over a year now and i have not gotten tired of it. every cover on my wishlist that i want rui and nene to get is fueled by my desire for them to get a proper cover. the most we get is bits in full wxs covers but still no actual duet/duet w a vs joining them i think that's wrong and illegal

(yes i am still salty over cendrillon i will never stop being salty over cendrillon until we get compensation and trust me there are a lot of songs they can do ask me about my dream ruinene covers i dare you)

God theres so much i love about them that i could and have actually talked about them for hours and its to the point ive wanted to write an actual serious meta on their dynamic for a year now its badddd

3: Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

once again i plan on doing a meta one of these days so i don't wanna go too in depth about this rn but I disagree w the idea that ruinene are just the average childhood friends trope and that there's nothing special about them (re: why i love them tangent).

as much as i dont like it when the units are seen as only 2 dynamics bc then other dynamics dont get to have as much content (like how a lot of vbs content feels like anhane | akitouya yeah i get bored of that), i will without guilt turn a blind eye if its ruinene content. It can be story moments it can be song moments it can be card cameos idc if it becomes unfair bc I get fed for another week and that’s what matters sry <3

oh yeah and nijiiro stories is one of the best commissions in project sekai like im talking in the top 10 if im lowballing i wont take any constructive criticism on this (i am only half joking)

anyways yeah my annoying little bisexuals i care about them very much

[jcfoxington]

@sambambucky​ : “pls... Pastels, Peaches and Pain??? among us first draft??? marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts (it’s not an au!?!??!)

hi jo !!! Pastels, Peaches, and Pain is one of those sambucky wips i have mostly fully fleshed out in my head because of one (1) extreme moment of clarity after a rogue��‘what if’ tangent thought but havent written anything of yet out of restraint / knowing i need to finish at least one of my current sambucky wips before i start it or none of them will get done

this was the rogue tangent thought: “what if Sam is haunted by Figaro’s ghost and has been since he was a kid?”. i’ve changed the ghost cat to not be Figaro but that’s the premise !

i refer to the fic as the cat fic ‘cause the whole plot is based around sam’s ghost cat companion insisting he adopts nat’s cat Liho after endgame and then Figaro later and then [insert redacted because plot spoilers but just know it relates to Alpine]. no im not projecting my feelings about cats idk what youre talking about 

here’s some note snippets just for you:

the cat, inexplicably, takes a liking to bucky, which is really annoying bc sam doesnt know how to explain to him that all the oddly soft gusts of wind are actually sam's dead cat insisting on getting pats

bucky getting shade thrown at him by said ghost cat during all of tfatws + them making up (and not out. yet)

starts when sam's a kid & follows him as he grows up w/ a ghost kitty as a companion only he can see & interact with + angst with an undertone of comedy + getting together

he whispers to ghost kitty, who simply mmrrs happily

for the among us first draft thing, what basically happened is i saw this tweet and this video and my brain latched onto these dynamics so hard i had to write about them. 

here’s a sketch of my two main imposters, Black (left) and Cyan (right):

and here’s a snippet:

The thing having Cyan pause and stare out at the asteroid field is how the colors stretch to family. When they and Black came aboard, they had thought every crewmember was an adult working on the planet-change project. That the patch of off-white with a black something-pattern-or-shape signified status. In a way, Cyan supposes it does, but just not the way they expected. They had expected it to show what rank an individual held within the hierarchy of the crew, from deckhand to division leader to captain, not to show that you're family of the crew and not actually part of the crew itself. 

There are innocents on this ship. Children. It was not something any of them had anticipated, and not something Cyan had been prepared to deal with. They and Black boarded this horrible place to eradicate a threat, believing each and single one of the humans were accomplishes and dedicated to the goal of destroying Cyan and Black's species, and their planet. But, now?

marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts... doesn’t have a wip title or seperate document for itself yet cause it’s been stuck in my ‘story ideas’ document since its creation. so ‘marvel meets warframe meets a bunch of tumblr posts’ is literally just me describing the vibe of an original world gjkerfkds

the world came to be for two reasons. firstly, i want to do make take on a superhero universe because the plot and complete lack of communication in both the dcu and mcu piss me the fuck off. secondly, needed a place to dump ocs with elaborate backstories or fantasy / sci-fi abilities that dont fit into any of my existing worlds

which sounds super competent but trust me, it isn’t. it didn’t gain any solidity at all until i decided to do a personal ‘how different can i make spn castiel look & still retain the same vibe?’ challenge. i have my own cas now

however, the reason i said ‘marvel meets...’ is because i’ve snagged a couple of different things from the mcu, most notably: enemies to reluctant coworkers to lovers, yes our best friend have the same name. no they’re not the same person, secret evil org is controlling the government, and the assassin that tried to kill you several times is now your best friend

warframe was added to the world because i got attached to my Volt build, gave them a name, and have some headcanons idk what to do with because i refuse to interact with that fandom. also because the friend i made through discussing warframe lore + plot dicked me over so it feels Bad to create for

the glue to this whole mess is that one “in every friend group there’s a mean bisexual, an even meaner lesbian, a she/they, a he/they, a himbo, an astrology bitch, a short king, and a token straight” tumblr post. my main group of superheroes ala the avengers consist of these people. the token straight is the only one i havent figured out who is yet

ever since i figured that out ive been throwing story / character ideas and weirdly specific aesthetics from popular tumblr posts into this world’s notes. here’s some examples:

sword grandmas

that trope where someone’s really nice and acts super well-adjusted to society but then they do something super whack and dangerous and you realize ‘oh they’re secretly a little bit insane, actually’

anti-gay group’s leader’s wife leaves him for another woman

superhero who swore to be the best hero [city / planet / solar system / continent / ????] has ever seen ever since he lost his wife. not because she’s dead but divorce just sucks & the hero-to-be is terrible at coping

dishevelled swamp witch

that one person who runs around with an amulet all the time & isn’t aware it’s cursed

an exasperated, tired superhuman assassin running after their husband and their husband's best friend. their husband and said husband's best friend both have wings. chaos ensues (yes, this one is a sambucky post)

ask me about my WIPs!

BONUS:

@sambambucky​​ : #i want to have a coffee and listen to synopses of all of these.... #i miss the discord wow #WRITING TAG #waitttt time jumping dream movie? lmao I'VE READ THIS LIST FORTY TIMES and every time i rediscover something i wanna know about #outfit doodlesss ugh i need to go

couldnt not respond to your tags because they make me go ghrkjfnerknf but in the good way. we miss you too jo !!

the time jumping dream movie was one of the first vivid dreams i had and the whole thing was so stupidly coherent and whacky i had to write it down. it grew plot, a queer love dynamic, weird sci-fi apocalypse elements, anti-military propaganda, questionable science, and a sequel while i wasnt looking and now i just. have to make it a real movie or i’ll combust

outfit djoodlles.png is only on there because my best friend sent me a ‘draw this outfit’ meme and space kitty, my current character brainrot, stole all the outfits for himself. otherwise, that file just sits there until im feeling like designing an outfit or wanna see how a stupid thing looks on my oc patrick

here’s one of the two poses-to-doodle-outfits-on of space kitty ive made so far:

and here’s one of those stupid things on patrick (that then turned into an actual outfit of his because i have no self control):

[ryollie]

really grateful for all the overwhelming nice messages from the ask game!! after some thought i decided to share why i keep disappearing for days and a bit about how my feelings work. i’ll put it under a cut because it’s personal and can contain triggering content!

i have borderline personality disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and paranoid scizophrenia. unfortunately, bpd is genetic, my dad had it, and now i do. there’s a lot to unpack for bpd, but in short what i experience is mostly:

fear of abandonment

intense self-hatred and distorted self-image

very black/white thinking (”oh, i love this person, they’re great!” can become “fuck this person. i wish they were dead.”)

very unstable moods. sometimes i’m so happy and the next five minutes i’m very upset

bpd is very hard to handle in a relationship. and its really unfortunate that when i was 16, i got into a relationship with an adult who was extremely abusive, both physically and emotionally, and it worsened my bpd severely. i wont describe what happened in specifics but i developed ptsd and paranoid scizophrenia from it. i managed to leave this terrible relationship when i was 19, which is still quite recent (i turned 20 last november.) after i left, i was in one of the worst mental states i could’ve been in, i felt used and broken by my abuser, and i didn’t have a sense of identity anymore. i would flinch and have a full-on panic attack when someone raised their voice at me or accidentally hurt me (pushing me, a light hit etc.) to cope with a lot of the abuse i’ve been put through, my brain has simply decided that the only way to defend myself from bad situations in the future, as minor as they can be, is to lash out at others, saying hurtful things, and even physically hurting them so they’d leave me alone. this isnt acceptable behavior. i’ve been going to behavioral therapy to get better at managing my feelings and thought processes. i really cannot handle bad situations, even now. its ironic in a way, that they seem like completely minor issues compared to the things ive been through before but my brain doesnt think that way. i have a very set way in dealing with bad situations and it always ends up hurting other people and i never want that. i dont want to end up like my abuser just because i’ve been a victim. 

whenever something bad happens, i use all my mental energy to isolate myself from my friends, family, everyone, until the abusive, bad defense mechanism thoughts die off on its own. this is to ensure i wont act out onto it and hurt other people. during the period of isolation, i end up generating a lot of self-hatred for myself, like why am i so messed up, why am i like this, why am i feeling this way, why won’t it get better? so unfortunately, sometimes the self-hatred is overwhelming and i have episodes where i try to harm myself or even end my own life (depending on the severity of it) and i end up in the hospital too often for my liking. when i say im really exhausted, i mean it. im really tired that even isolation is so difficult, and i feel like im taking so many steps back when i relapse. i do take my medication, i do go for therapy, but its so difficult to undo the years of trauma he inflicted on me. replying to conversations require mental energy for me. so if i’m using all of it to isolate, i can’t reply quickly.

i wish i wasnt this way. i want to be a better me. so dont worry too much about the next time i disappear for a few days, im just isolating myself so i dont hurt other people. im really grateful for my best friends who understand my condition and give me space but still reminding me they care about me. i made this blog bc i was inspired by some artists in the fandom. i wanted to learn to live again and used my blog as a fresh starting point. i wanted to make friends. develop characters i made from my own hands. practice drawing until i get better. rlly little things that make a big change in my life. my life is really messy and i dont know what im really doing, but i hope my efforts in trying to make small changes to improve my life can make me happier in the long term. i really hope one day i can make it to the finish line, wherever that is.

[kweebtrash]

Hey, not necessarily a sex question. But as someone who loves reading fanfic and appreciates fanfic writers, I still can't bring myself to write it. How did you get into writing fanfic, and was it ever weird for you? Do you have any advice on how to feel less weird about it? Especially smut about real people? (To be fair I can't bring myself to write smut in general idk why)

I started writing naruto and yu yu hakusho fanfiction when i was ten and it was just a regular oc and the character i liked. It wasnt good at all but i thought it was the greatest. When i met my sister (non biological) in middle school we decided to come up with our own "anime story". We would write it in notebooks and pass it to each other during class and get in trouble for it. So i guess that was the first time ive written an "original" story. By the time i was 12 i knew what sex was (mostly) and i knew teenagers did it (my characters were teenagers) so i was like oh if they like each other then they should do it. But because i was 12 i was like THATS ICKY TO WRITE ABOUT (in detail) so i made them get in bed and then skipped ahead and wrote THE NEXT DAY 😂😂😂

Then when i got access to a laptop and internet thats when i round "real" fanfiction online and smut back when it was called "lemon/lime/citrus" whatever the fuck that means. I still remember my first one was about neji hyuga LMAO.

I started reading more fanfiction throughout my teenager years and kept writing for anime, wrote bandfiction, created a bunch of OCs to rp with my partner at the time and i think by the time i actually started having sex that i was like ok this isnt so weird to write about anymore. So when we would rp we would just text each other sex scenes and i guess it became normalized because we were doing it irl so writing about it was just like hey! We sorta know what were doing! Oh i also used to watch a lot of porn as a teen? Idk why. That stopped after like a year or so but i found out shit through that, like bdsm, squirting, how utterly gross blowjobs are, what a hitachi wand was, how much i hate spit, etc. So that actually helped me discover like my beginning kinks. Porn is still terrible tho.

I think the first time i wrote smut was with a wrestling fanfic? And i had been reading a bunch of fics that had smut and with my basic knowledge and slowly finding out what phrases i liked in order to describe things it flowed a little more naturally but it was still hard.

Then i think i didnt really write much until i wrote my pentagon story which i think is terrible but other people like it. I guess with my practicing, experience, and sex education it started becoming easier? You can tell in my pentagon story that i was still getting back into the swing of things bc my sex scenes are atrocious and ridiculous 😅

I never really liked reading series myself bc i didnt want just prose and build up. I wanted smut. I was like THATS WHAT I CAME HERE FOR. So i made it a point to write smut in every single chapter so that way people stayed interested. In doing so it also helped me practice and get better. Then i read A LOT of bad kpop fics and was like....why dont these people know that sex isnt like porn??

There is a lot of copying in kpop fics in the sense that a lot of them are written the same way and we get the usual; some u realistic giant dick, "ministrations, pussy, cunt", kitten every other word, thigh riding, everyone confusing abuse with bdsm, "daddy" popping up left and right without going in depth to what meaning that holds, random weird shit. And i realized WOW I REALLY HATE KPOP FANFICS lol. So when i started writing messy i was like OK FUCK THIS IM GONNA WRITE SEX LIKE HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO GO. Then i starting writing smut where the condom broke, they talked about birth control, having a mental breakdown during sex, sexual assault, accidentally wacking each other while moving around, giggling, talking, explaining what you want. This i think helped me a lot, especially with my mental trauma that was associated with sex. I wanted to make it fun and real while also possibly teaching my readers about sex and maybe influencing other fic writers to not just regurgitate what they read.

As far as advice, im not quite sure if i have any?? Maybe i do lol. Take it with a grain of salt maybe?

With writing i would suggest

Read fics you like and highlight key phrases or actions you think are sexually appealing

Practice writing shorter scenes, you can even do time stamps or drabbles, things like that-people love those on here

Look into things. Honestly i knew what a cock ring was but someone requested i USE it in a fic and i was like shit guess i gotta google how to use a cock ring and while awkwardly watching videos of guys putting these things on i learned about metal ones, cages, silicone, rubber, rings, how long you should keep it on for, etc. So RESEARCH! is key too

If youve never had sex before that also helps if you research. Porn can give you a little bit of knowledge in generic motions or toys to use but by no means is it great as far as realism and sometimes its just plain icky.

So porn can be a basis, research can be a middle layer, reading other fics and seeing what you like and dont like is on top, and writing ur own is like...idk frosting lol.

As far as being weird with real people; since i wrote bandfiction and wrestling fics i was used to writing about real people for a little under ten years or so. Also i have a really active mind at night and i have tons of sex dreams that fit into like a story based setting. Thats where all my ideas for prose, dialogue and smut come from. Not everyone ofc has a brain like that but writing down things here and there might work. Lets say you have a favorite idol moment-like some really slutty dance move during a performance, you could time stamp that for inspiration. Save a lot of gifs and pics of them looking *chefs kiss*, listen to some music (i like alina baraz, sabrina claudio, galant, alex tbh, and jooyong for softer, gentler scenes or if you wanna get freak nastie listen to some dumbass jae park, or pretty ricky, or any sex related song thats not pretty lmao. Like rude boy by rihanna or something with a hard beat).

I think its also good to try and picture yourself in a sexual situation. You dont have to look like you, you could make up however you want to look in the scenario, its fantasy after all. Also think "would i like this?" Like i wont write about some idol spitting in my mouth or slapping me or peeing on me or something because thats not stuff that im into and i would be forcing myself to appease someone else and the writing woukd end up sucking big time. This also doesnt help the lack of good fics bc people are just following the requests they get even if they dont like it. I would write about what i think id feel in the moment. Id probably be nervous or if im pretending i could be a cool badass, i would think about things that i find attractive like his (imma use his bc i do write mostly about boy idols) face in the shadows of the light, how nice or soft his lips look, they way hes conveying emotions and looking at me if we were in love or if we were angry, the hold he has on me, why would it be going slow? Is it sad makeup sex? Is it a first time together? Is it just comforting after a bad day? Why would they be rough? Are they angry? Had a fight? Had a slow burn relationship and its culminated into a big explosion? Did they hate each other but hide their true feelings?

So i would suggest not just thinking about sex but thinking about the moment and all the things that lead up to, happen during, and the aftermath of it.

And of course if you don't understand anything or need more info about sex you can always ask me!

I hope this help and sorry its long😅😅😅😅

[botls]

meeting tltm cast 9/29/19

seeing hadestown parts 1 and 2 and meeting the hadestown cast

please send me an ask or message me to ask anymore questions!!

my plan was to screen record the whole thing to hear all the conversations back but apparently screen record doesn’t pick up sound or my phone isn’t updated idk but i now have a lot of silent videos of me freaking out lmao

i didn’t actually see the show but i stage doored bc i saw hadestown that day and after dinner the timing worked out that we were still on 48th street when tlt was ending so i went and if you are someone who is upset by that i am deeply sorry but i will not be responding to any criticisms of my life decisions at this time

sam leicht:

but anyway since i wasn’t seeing the show i was waiting by the side of the theater earlier and low and behold who walks out but fucking sam leicht and i literally got so starstruck but i could tell he was trying to leave before the rush and he was so focused on getting out i didn’t stop him or anything because he wasn’t stage dooring and i didn’t want to bother him in case he didn’t want anyone coming up to him but i saw The Legs in action and can i just say Wow

izzy figueroa:

izzy came out right at the beginning and i cheered for him but nobody else did rip i would have asked for a picture but he was clearly looking for somebody and then he found them and they were hugging and left so i just let him be

sarah beth pfiefer:

sarah came out first and i was so so so happy to see her she is such a cutie and an icon she had a plaid shirt around her waist i wanted to bow down

ryan knowles:

next ryan came out and he was so smiley and so fricking tall it was insane i met timothy hughes and ryan knowles in the same day and even though i was wearing like three inch platform shoes trying to fit us both in the frame was an issue both times jagsgsjskwlw my live pic of us includes me going “😬 i’m too short”

james hayden rodriguez:

james came out next and everyone YELLED so loud and like so did i but right after the noise died down i hadn’t realized and at the top of my lungs went “OH MY GOD” and everyone laughed lmao but anyway he was so friendly and after our picture when he was talking to the next girls that i had lowkey become friends with i was like “i LOVE the good kid reprise” and he was like “yeah thanks i love singing it” and then the girls next to me and i were just talking about it and we were like “it gives me life” and he was laughing and stuff cutie

kristin stokes:

KRISTIN CAME OUT NEXT AND I ACTUALLY ASCENDED OH MY GOD so right before kristin the costume lady came out and she was wearing a super kristin-style dress so at first i thought she WAS kristin when you see her walking through the gate but when the door opened and she stepped out everyone like. sighed disappointedly and she was like “yeah sorry im just costume design” and i reached out my hand like “WAIT NO YOU DO A GREAT JOB” lmao like. she really does thank you queen for giving annabeth a choker but anyway kristin came out and me and the girls next to me were talking about how gorgeous her outfit was and oh my god her makeup was SLAYING she’s a QUEEN amongst us then when she was talking to us one girl was like “i love your outfit” and she was like “aww thank you” and i said “yeah for real i live for your little socks” and then she did this little curtsie/dress lift thing it was precious and then just like that it was over and i was like i. just met kristin stokes. what the fuck

chris mccarrell:

next it was CHRIS and holy shit i love him more than anything he looked so cute and for every person i had been helping all the people behind me pass up their playbills and get whatever pictures they wanted so as i was grabbing all the playbills to pass up and stuff chris was like “aw look at her making sure everyone gets their stuff they want signed” my heart started beating double time like !! chris mccarrell thinks i’m a good person????? i can never do anything bad again so then he kind of started moving down the line and i reached out my arm like “WAIT NO can we please get a picture first” so he said “of COURSE” and he like. THREW himself back over i have the live picture of him zooming into frame it is so cute and funny and then i told him “i love your shirt i LIVE for that” and the girls next to me were like “yeah” and i think one said where is it from or maybe he just decided to say like i missed this part bc i was grabbing someone’s playbill for him (by the way i got to TAP CHRIS MCCARRELL ON THE SHOULDER AND SAY “wait do you mind signing just one more”) but anyway he was like “thanks i think it’s from....cl-uh-clarence outfitters? wait uh urban outfitters?” we were all laughing and i was like “yeah i think it’s probably that one” and he smiled right at me while nodding and was like “probably” WHAT a cutie the whole time that he was out i couldn’t stop saying “wow look at his floofy hair” and him, kristin, and jorrel def all heard me at least once each oop

jorrel javier:

jorrel came out and to be honest it was so overwhelming because him and chris were going opposite directions and they got to us at kind of the same time so the second chris left - enter: jorrel and i was still reeling from chris so i just remember trying to make my brain work by like “hi ohmygodiloveyoupictureplease” he obviously said yes and we got the smileyest pictures ever he is so cute and smol in person i was the real life uwu emoji he made some joke about chris looking good or something bc chris was right behind the camera and i have my live photo of us laughing and me saying “honestly” so that’s the cutest thing to ever happen to me 

but anyway yeah that was it!! it was honestly one of the best experiences ive ever had, like i said, i wasnt originally planning to stage door at tlt so as for seeing and meeting the cast of hadestown i at least knew that was happening and had time to (somewhat) come to terms with that mentally but this was sprung on me so randomly and im SO glad it was! im trying to go see it this winter but ive honestly lost hope on seeing this show so many times in the past that i kind of saw this as my possible one chance and i took it. after i was so overwhelmed that i sobbed on my way back to penn. this cast and show has meant so much to me from the beginning and seeing it had disappeared from my realm of possibility so many times that actually meeting them in person was straight out of a dream. so many times i thought it was closing, so many plans to see it that fell through, and finally getting to meet them just doesnt even feel real despite the pictures and videos i have literally proving it. i am so grateful to have had this experience that im sure i will remember forever. each and every one of them was so sweet and personable and genuinely seemed to enjoy being out there. i love them so much and now im crying again i have to stop 

[lavellane]

5 + 10 for emeraude, 14 + 18 for effie, 19 + 24 for arylene and 30 through 45 for imogen bc i love her so much ? 😏😏😏

fdjkfjkfdk thank u SO much maia i absolutely Treasure You !

EMERAUDE HAWKE - DA2

What does your OC normally wear? What would your OC wear on a special night?

emeraudes fashion sense is probably my favourite out of all my ocs, so uh if u havent looked at her pinterest board yet u should do that bc its Very cute hehehe

anyway for the most part she sticks to dark, practical clothing whenever she's out and about in kirkwall or doing merc work, etc. she picks clothes that convey strength and power, but she likes having a little bit of colour somewhere on the piece, just to keep things interesting. she's not much of an embroider, but was a good way to keep herself distracted during hard times, so she tends to add little patterns here and there whenever she gets the chance!

as for special occasions, for her this would actually just be. a quiet night at home or a relaxed gathering with her friends. bc its so rare for her to have that lmao. anyway for events like that she usually wears light colours and soft fabrics, simple but always decorated with flowers or colourful patterns.

What does your OC keep in a special drawer?

she has a collection of gifts ! that kids from lowtown would give her over the years she spent in kirkwall. she's a very community based person and wants to do right for her city, and shes very nurturing (in an ironical, Cool Big Sister way) so she likes making sure all the kids are safe and being looked after. she gets a lot of trinkets and strange gifts from some of the kids as a result, but she does treasure them (even if she laughs about it with her friends) and keeps them all !

EFFIE RYDER - MEA

Who is the mother and/or father figure in your OC’s life?

effie's maternal rolemodel has always been her late mother, ellen. nobody could really fill that role in her eyes, since they had such a close, positive relationship before she passed. her relationship with her dad was a lot more strained and it really impacted a lot of her relationships later on in life too ! she tends to.... see an older man who is Vaguely Nice to her, and then think “ oh, youre my dad now?” which isnt fair to anybody obviously but yeah she,,,, has a lot of unresolved issues regarding alec and tends to unintentionally project so. We stan !

How many times did your OC move as a child? Which area was his/her favorite?

oh constantly lol. With her dad being an n7 and her mother working so hard on her research, they tended to move around wherever her parents work required. she actually enjoyed it this way. she was never good at making long term friends, but she lived meeting new people, and obviously with the move she got to experience a lot of different cultures which really put the idea of adventuring and travelling in her head at a young age.

ARYLENE TORR - TES IV

What does your OC think of children- either in general or about having them?

she likes them ! she tends to keep her distance with most communities and groups of people in particular, but she does like enjoys having the odd conversation with the odd street urchin here and there, either sharing with them some strange, ridiculous life advice or – if shes feeling particularly chaotic – telling them the scariest stories she can think of. as for having them, arylene isnt AGAINST the idea, but she has far too much for the foreseeable future for that to ever be a good idea

Who are the people your OC dislikes/hates?

outwardly, arylene is an almost unbearably easy going person, so you would assume she doesnt hate anyone lol. but she does DEEEPLY dislike cults and groups of ignorant people who are arrogant enough to start messing with the balance of life, or making deals with gods, etc. she believes that people like that can do an unbelievable amount of damage, so she invests a lot of time and effort it sabotaging any group or plot she happens to find !

 IMOGEN FOSTER - RDR2

Did your OC participate in extracurricular activities, and if so, what were they?

hmm idk if this even EXISTED in 19th century london lol, but she would have done some very tame version of girl scouts as a child! She barely remembers any of it, but she liked the classes on what plants did what, which were safe to eat, and the likes. its something that helps her a lot when on the run with the gang, and something shes always had a personal interest in, as a nurse !

other than that, she’s done a lot of independent study on history, classical literature, and she speaks fluent italian we stan !

What is your OC’s opinion of school? What kind of student was s/he?

imogen comes from a very wealthy aristocratic family, so she was very fortunate that her privilege afforded her the education she got at the time. she is VERY grateful to have attended the schools she did, and she made sure to make the most of it, paying attention in class and studying harder than most of her classmates. she's a smart girl with a very active mind, so knowledge is something she can't get enough of. she was actually petitioning the board of education to allow her to attend university before she left for america – already their had been women accepted into universities at that time, but obviously it was still a very scandalous thing lol, especially since imogen wanted to study medicine.

What subjects did your OC excel at?

imogen is a HUGE overachiever and did pretty well at basically everything from science, mathematics, language studies and later on, in her studies as a nurse. i can tell you what shes bad at though lmao

anything physical really dkdkdks she is TERRIBLE at horse-riding since she usually just went by carriage everywhere in the city. art and poetry and writing in general she was never great at, because she's a pretty logical person and was told she never put enough emotion in her work lol !!! sports...obviously was very limited anyway as growing up in like? the early 1870s lol. and as for the traditionally feminine lessons in like ?? sewing and cooking and stuff well ! she was very average at them which made her  feel worse than if she was actually bad bc she's so used to excelling and making a name for herself oof

What subjects interested your OC?

Imogen loves greek literature and mythology !! the iliad is her favourite book and she keeps her heavily annotated, dog eared copy – a gift from her late father – on her person almost constantly. needless to say its why dutch admires her as much as he does lol.

obviously, as a nurse-trying-to-be-a-doctor, she has a great love for medicine in all its forms. she's always been fascinated in natural remedies, and even moreso when she's running with the van der linde gang and is really relying on the land to survive.

What is your OC’s dream job and/or current profession?

hmm okay so. Technically she's a nurse – she worked in her father's hospital for almost 10 years prior to his death, and she was sort of his unofficial understudy, as in she knows a LOT more than her job description requires lol. but after her father past away, another, less progressive man took his place as chief of surgery and made a lot of changes to the way the hospital operated, and imogen was let go. she and her mother were fighting against it, however, under the ground of unfair dismissal, but obviously given the time period it didnt get them very far. so ! i mean technically she's unemployed rn. but she still has dreams of being a doctor, or at least continuing her career in medicine.

How is your OC working towards their dream job and/or achieved their current profession?

Oh VERY direct action up until she got disheartened and chose to take her sabbatical. she had been working in her role for nearly a decade, and was very obviously one of the most experienced nurses there. even younger doctors would sometimes ask her for her medical opinion dksksks anyway what i am saying is Brain Very Good. she had been fighting to gain admission into a university – any, she wasnt picky – to study medicine officially, but it didnt get very far and she put it on hold after her father got sick. after he died and she was laid off, she fought even harder against the city to reinstate her title, and continues to fight after she returns from america a year or so later.

What are your OC’s thoughts/opinions of his/her current profession?

helping people is her entire life, and she wouldn't know what to do without it. she loves being a nurse enough to fight to be a doctor, but also in BEING a nurse, she is hyperaware of all the things current medical standards seem to get wrong, and she has a lot of ideas about how else to go about things. her father, a shockingly progressive and worldly man for the time period, shared her sentiment, but he wasn't able to make the changes he wanted to before he passed, so imogen hopes she can be the change herself, and make her father proud

What is your OC’s biggest dream?

being a licenced doctor, babey ! preferably at her father's hospital, but at the point she will take what she can get.

How does your OC react to and handle stress?

imogen  handles stress very well , which is partially why she makes such a good medic, and also how she managed to survive the first week of being with the van der linde gang lmao. she is very good at shutting out EVERY distraction when things get dicey, and her brain tends to move at a million miles an hour. all traces of english etiquette and politeness go out the window, though, so you'll usually catch her barking orders at people, and yelling at anyone who prevents her from doing the work she needs to do. it.....is a big wake up call for people like dutch and micah, and gets her into a LOT of trouble on multiple occasions.

How does your OC handle anger?

ooo......not great. she’s grown up with parents who maybe encouraged her to speak her mind a bit....TOO much given the historical circumstances lol. she really doesn’t stand for ignorance or prejudices in any capacity, and if she has a problem with someone and it gets in the way of her trying to do her work or help others - she will ABSOLUTELY be having words. she also overestimates her own strength quite a lot. she’s tried to throw hands with micah MANY times, often forgetting she’s this tiny 70kg englishwoman and he’s .... Him sdjkdcjkf. she has a big mouth too so she often says snide remarks without even meaning too, which tends to get her in trouble as well. on the bright side, it also helps her fit in with the gang quite well, because for the most part they all appreciate how wild she is lmao

How does your OC handle grief?

hmm i guess it depends on what you would class as “well”? she doesnt cry very often - being stoic and handling your emotions is important when your a nurse - but she does tend to shove her feelings down far longer than she should, and tries to pretend they don’t exist by simply focusing on other things. she also blames herself when a lot of things go wrong, because she’s a perfectionist and wants to FIX everything, so when she finds something - or someone - she can’t save, it feels like a personal failure. like she let them down :(

What is your OC’s greatest fear?

probably being trapped in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage with someone who undervalues her. she’s not much of a homebody and doesn’t have too much of an interest in being married, but the idea of feeling FORCED to marry someone in order to have a decent quality of life makes her blood run cold oof

What makes your OC happy?

helping people ! meeting new folks ! learning about other cultures and ways of life! learning about NEW THINGS in general ! proving people wrong ! insulting micah !

as tough and high-and-mighty as she sometimes seems, she’s a pretty easy person to please, honestly. treat her with respect, give her space to do the things she wants to do, and don’t get in the way of her opportunities to learn new things, and she’s mostly very happy !

What kind of sense of humor does your OC have?

she has a fairly macabre and sardonic sense of humour, something she picked up from her mother. she says a lot of Shocking things for the time period, and she’s not shy of dirty jokes either. the first time sean heard her, a soft, well spoken english Lady, make some filthy, crude joke, he nearly had a stroke right there on the spot kjkjkfdjkf

What are some things that greatly upset your OC?

senseless violence, suffering or cruelty. she really hated the gang at first and hoped to escape the first chance she got, because all she could see was the crime and disregard for human life she assumed they all held. fortunately, as she got to know them, she realized this wasn’t exactly the case, but she still has a lot of anger in her heart for a few key members of the gang who seem to enjoy bloodshed more than anything. she also hates any form of social prejudice, and people who gatekeep knowledge and opportunities from others.

What are some things that annoy your OC?

i guess all of the above, but she also dislikes misplaced arrogance, and people who talk down to others. she tolerates dutch, but often gets frustrated with the way he speaks, using as many big words as he can to manipulate and confuse others. she believes that really intelligence doesn’t require obscure jargon and big, fancy words - she likes keeping things simple, so everybody can follow along.

[ohdeerlings]

mushi hime rant hahahhaahfdsjh

just posting my long-winded summary i typed immediately after finished reading to talk about how bad it was; it ended up a lot longer than i intended and now i feel like i should at least keep what i put effort into typing =___=

so it starts with this guy who's been getting recurring nightmares of a girl who shapeshifts into a monster with a huge mouth and teeth eating him

one day a transfer student comes in and looks exactly like her(already outplayed trope of having dreams for no reason of reality that doesnt ever get explained, and it happens lots of times throughout

)around the same time strange events start happening around town: ex, truck driver found by police with markings of a mass insect attack, dogs and pets all getting attacked by swarms of ants and filling up the vet hospitals

the narrative goes back and forth btwn:

- the guy's (Ryoichi's) POV in class where he's just not approaching her and wary of her bc of his dream; he's Not Like Other Boys who get all horny over her bc she's perfect (beautiful, smart, mysteriously quiet, physically adept)

- and btwn this stereotypically wacky/eccentric scientist who was consulted by the police with the first caseturns out the scientist has been tracking down a series of seemingly unrelated murders that follow a clear path ending at Ryoichi's town

throughout the story there's some not so subtle dialogues about the earth going through global warming and species dying

the scientist spiels to some insignificant characters about how humans arent long for this earth, etc etc and how insects are amazing because of their adaptational abilities

he seems to know the transfer student girl, Kikuchi and is trying to track her down

meanwhile kikuchi is character-developed as some clearly dangerous but morally compromised monster-human hybrid who Only Preys on Bad Guys or people around at the wrong time

she gets hit on by some lecherous perv who asks her to karaoke and she actually agrees

there she straddles him and starts kissing him and then these tentacle things come ouit of her throat and go into his mouth

he slumps over and she leaves

the scientist-investigator duo are closing in on her and find the security camera tapes, from that they get a picture and show it around town to try to locate her

meanwhile Ryoichi is still like wow she's Scary and I'm Not Like Other Boys

then he happens to see her just as the old man from the karaoke bar (who seems to have not been killed and is just stumbling around acting drugged) finds her and attacks her

a fucking needle spike comes out of her arm and she defends herself by stabbing him and puncturing his skull and killing him

he sees all that and shes like well guess you're my hostage now and takes him to his house

she's also attracted to him inexplicably, partially because He's Not Like Other Boys and shes like WHY ISNT HE SECRETING PHEROMONES FOR ME(she can smell that

)then there's a weird "erotic" scene where she forces him onto the bed and deep throats him with her mouth tentacles

then there's just a LOT of dialogue thrown at us at once with the scientist just explaining a shit ton to his investigation partner whose character clearly only exists for hte sake of exposition

turns out he had a colleague when he worked on a super secret gov funded experiment called biosphere 2 where they sealed off a forest and bombed it with radiation and pollution n shit

they found that it endured a lot at first and it was because of the bugs (?) that it did until the bugs disappeared and were nowhere to be found, then the forest just died

they looked around and found mutated bugs sleeping inside the earth

his colleague had a daughter back then with a terminal illness so out of desperation he injected the dna of the mutated insects into her, hoping their resilience would change her body to survive the illness

so she lived but she was clearly not human, farming off of her dad - she wasnt able to produce endorphins anymore so her tentacle things would secrete an enzyme to get hte host to produce lots of endorphins and she would take it, creating a dependency

bc she was the only of her species to exist she felt a need to procreate so she also kept trying to mate with her dad 

then we find out that her dad had an identical twin who was raised by foster parents - and thats Ryoichi's dad, making Ryoichi and Kikuchi technically cousins, and genetically half-siblings

so thats why she was Inexplicably drawn to that town, and to him

she was wandering through japan because at some point her dad tried to kill her for humanity's sake, but bc of a random flood their town was wiped out and he wasnt able to kill her and she disappeared/survived the flood thanks to her ability to mutate in environmental changes

meanwhile she's been keeping him hostage to feed off of his endorphins and creating a dependency in him for the enzymes she would give him

until his mom accidentally comes into his room and sees, then she runs away and dies falling down the stairs lol

then he's all like ytou're a monster!!!!! and she threatens to kill the girl-next-door character in his friend group who seemed to have a thing for him/vice versa

so he's like: ill do anything just spare her!!!! 

so she forces him to answer the door when his friends are like why havent u been going to class and tell them to fuck off/be a dick to them

while theyre walking outside after to go somewhere else the scientist sees the girl (Chiken) and is like hEY you look sad and depressed there's nothing possibly else that could make u feel like that except having your childhood crush abducted by a halfhuman-half locust succubus

he shows her the picture and she recognizes her and leads him back to the house

then he gets a rifle to try to shoot her and theres a whole fight scene where she uses her pheromones to call upon the insects to swarm

ryoichi is useless because he found his moms corpse lying in the bathtub getting consumed by maggots she asked to fully decompose the body

then the scientist gets a couple shots in and fends her off, meanwhile random police get in the way to stop what looks just like a home invasion and she disappears

they take ryoichi into the hospital bc all the endorphin harvesting and brain fuckery has him weak

then ryoichi's dad comes in and is like how do you recognize who i am!! to the scientist who explains

oh yeah that's the point at which we find out ryoichi and kikuchi are related

and then he's still having dreams where she vores him and he's both horrified and wants it

meanwhile entire city is getting swarmed by insects in a disaster scene with society breaking down etc etc

kikuchi tracks them down by following ryoichi's scent (?)

then they have one last battle where they try to use the dad as a distraction bc he looks identical to her dead father

and somehow the scientist just FINDS specific chemicals/enzymes to throw on her and weaken the part of her thats an insect

also earlier before she got there he  whips out the mutant insect dna out of nowhere? like the extremely valuable dna that he should have no business just finding/still carrying around

and is like

hey lets inject ourselves with this because humanity is getting wiped out and attacked by insects rn anyway, the only way to live i sto adapt

but no one does it (lmao pointless inclusion) 

then they defeat her in a big struggle with ryoichi getting farmed on by her again and instead of just taking it has a Miraculous realization past the drugs that oh no this person is killing everyone i love

and CHOMPS on her tentacle thigns while their mouths are connected

scientist injuects her with more random dna he has to compromise her mutant dna and the insect swarming stops bc of the internal biological shit happening and she's writhing oon the ground

then looks like she dies

they try to escape the basement theyve been in because its suddenly flooding (no reason lmfao)

on the way out they get stopped by a teacher that she pricked with her spike earlier on who's been missing from school and his "insect bite" changed his behavior/ultimately made him into a different part human part bug who tries to kill them

then kikuchi who -surprise- hadnt died!@!! shows up again but now she's blond and looks almost exactly like Ryoichi (who is blond) because the thing the scientist injected in her enabled her to adapt to the water and she's still a  mutatn but Less Evil Somehow and he's like i thOUGHT U DIED.... I ACTUALLY LOVE YOU.. 

then epilogue is the scientist goign through his life normally and the city is recovered from the insect swarm and he sees another random global warming thing in the news and is like

“its only a matter of time before humanity perishes, but now is not that time....we're good.............,,,,,,,for now...and i know somewhere underwater something of humanity's legacy will live on”

and it cuts to ryoichi and kikuchi hugging in a very Shape of Water way underwater with tentacle thigns cause they went to live in the ocean

then there s a bad window for a sequel showing the teacher guy - SURPRISE - not actuially dead and crunching on humans in a sewer somewhere

STILL A FUN READ

[eedisgirlfriend]

ok Long post abt childhood stuff... sorry no readmore :( i did some brain searching today and it turns out i think bad things abt myself and expect the Best or Above Medium in all things in myself because 1 im gay and gay kids grow up having to prove that we're as good (esp bc i was bullied) 2 my mom was depressed for most of my childhood and i had to take care of her and she never rly gave me space to..kind of be bad? cause i had to prove to her that she and dad didnt fuck a kid up,, and when we moved away from my childhood home until my dad died and we moved back that is still to this Day the only coherent time i remember from my childhood so my brain is confused why i hate myself sm cause i cant tell what happened in my childhood. i just remember being a scared weird lonely kid who had to grow up rly quick..i remember feeling really guilty when i was 8 and i got upset that my grandma died but mostly because it was 1 day before my birthday.. and then obviously i was sad too but my dad had died like half a year ago from that i was kinda used to it snssksk then i sae nightmares every night that mom dies/is angry at me/ is my dad basically

and wow im realising that those dreams probably tell a quite lot more than anything (especially since i cant remember Shit from being a kid) but for the following 5 years were rly rly bad > begin to hate myself

oh also im still so.. upset @ tiny me being scared because i "heard sounds" (still do sometimes, these fighting voices inside my head that repeat the surrounding sounds around me, for example clock ticking, the sound of me breating/doing something. i still hear thesw when im anxious) and mom took me to an ear check up like.. i wasnt allowed to not be okay?

after dad died i was at therapy for kids but like theu just basically said im ok after asking me questions abt my family and free time etc but im like.. confused bc i was a child of course i was okay? kids are okay through that but it doesnt mean theyre Okay like.. theu get through anything bc they have to but kids arent taught to show their fears openly to strangers i actually remember drawing a picture of my family as animals and dad was a pig and my reasoning was something like he was pink and hes dead like skdbsksnbajs ?????

but like my point is im terrified of searching through these times but i think i need to so that i find out why i hate myself sm and kind of ? let go of that way of thinking also, so that i can continue to be better for myself from here on 😭😭😭

[texaschainsawmiracle]

y’all mind if i

vent about romantic feelings that eventually led to crippling depression??

so ya boi, me, wheatley, wheats, 420smokewheat, am taking a calculus course this semester. it’s good. it’s a difficult course, but I have become friends with the professor, Chris. Good dude. funny guy. easily one of my favorite professors this semester. The TA? cool dude. dante. we only see him once a week but i see him maybe 1 to 3 times a week. when i first saw dante he had half bleached hair. I’m talking straight down the middle of his head, on one side, bleached hair. but his hair was pretty grown out so you could see his roots and honestly it looked like he was supposed to have frosted tips or something. it looked bad but i also loved it and couldnt look away. and a couple weeks into the semester he cut his hair and i was struck with sadness because oh shit i liked it? i hadnt realized that at that point

this post is gonna be about dante. 

tl;dr: i crushed on dante, dante (might have? im not sure) crushed on me, i asked him out on tuesday and he said no and claimed i was gonna use the relationship to get a better grade in the class he TA’s for, and we havent spoke since and im depression

I go to office hours a lot for calculus bc it kicks my ass, i go to Chris’, mon wed fri at 10am, I go to my old pre-calc professor, Bryan, for his help every tuesday and thursday morning, at 7:30 or 9:30, or whenever he shows up bc hes not already in town. Sometimes, in the math department, dante is there in the morning, and bruh,,, he reminds me of myself which is why i love and hate him 

first of all hes a fucking shit post loving fuck, dresses in whatever he damn well pleases and OWNS it, and... he’s very blunt but also the chillest guy I know. i started crushing on him immediately after he roasted the SHIT out of me one day 

me: i’m the funniest person i know

dante: you’re the funniest person you know?

me: yea

dante: you must not know a lot of people then

and at that point i knew two things: one, got dam dante got me GOOD i couldnt even be mad bc that was amazing, and two, i MUST HAVE HIM

and so my crush started and we would talk a lot because bryan would never show up to office hours on time which was great bc more time with my dude dante. he’s real cute and amazingly smart but also the fucking most idiotic loser like okay once i couldnt participate in class so much bc i was very sleepy but i told dante that i just had a computer science midterm and my brain was fried, to which he said he had two midterms this week and i was like “oh man sounds like a you problem” and he was very salty i wasnt being nice but dude im a sassy bitch thats just my thing. anyway after class ended i was like hey could u review this problem for me i dont get how you got to this part of the problem, and after he helped i thanked him and said “hey good luck on ur midterms” and he said “thanks you too” and  i saw him FLINCH and go thru the five stages of grief in front of me, he just accepted the fact he fucked up and looked through me like i wasnt there and it was the funniest thing and his smile and laugh make my heart flutter 

another time he put us into groups and i didnt move into my designated group bc my friend beside me was afraid her designated group would get annoyed/fed up with her being a bit slow to understand some concepts and i was like yo aint a prob aminah ill stay here so i can help u out. but all dante saw was me defying him and was like “hey hey no you have to move!” with a smirk on his face bc he knew i was gonna test his patience

i was like nah i dont wanna and he said you have to move bc i said so and i was like pshht sure ok whatever and he stated that since hes in charge he had authority over me and i was like ‘no u dont you have the authority but not my respect and his eyes literally sparked as if no one has ever tested him before and he was so smug about it bc i was publicly disrespecting him and he was like “oh its gonna be like that? you’re not gonna move?” “yeah im staying here’ and he gave up but he and i were smiling the whole time and after that dante just KNEW me, he recognized me and would be an ass to me but we were buds, and after that he and i would be less calc-centric in our chats, more about music and movies and talking about ourselves

october was really the month i was struck with attraction to him, especially around halloween. the weeks before i told him i was gonna be julian casablancas for my costume and he was like “oh i can dig that” but on the day of halloween, tuesday, a day with dante, he asked me at the end of class “what are you dressed as?” and i was like “DANTE YOU DICK I TOLD YOU LAST WEEK AND YOU, I QUOTE, SAID “ I CAN DIG THAT” and he said “IM SORRY I FORGOT” and bruh,,, he and i flirted the entire time?? he complimented me on getting the concepts better in class, doing better on quizzes, complimented my appearance and my humor, and i didnt know he was flirting until he said “im flirting with you and not doing a very great job at it are i” and i was like “oh, OH, no no youre good i like you its fine” and i just, was floored that he dug me?? 

and so i got a decent job recently, scooping ice cream, and i told dante that my julian costume was my first costume of the day and how i couldnt wear it to work (”what, is it indecent? *snort*” “no the sleeves of the jacket, i cant roll them up so i cant wear it” “..oh”) and he asked where i work where my sleeves have to be rolled up, i said i work scooping ice cream, and I offered to get him a pint of ice cream. he didnt give a solid yes or no, so i emailed him like “yo whaddup bich its ya boi, i didnt know what flavor you wanted so i’ll tell you what flavors we have” and i literally sent a page long email about what we have in store and described them so he could accurately pick one without blindly guessing. he never replied until it was two days before i saw him next (the 7th) and it was during my comp sci class, 10 am, i send an email like “hey bud just letting u know im going 2 work tonight and i don’t know what flavor of ice cream u wanted and I KNOW you want some ice cream so please tell me what flavor u want p.s. if u dont reply to this email i’ll stop sending emails” which wasnt me threatening him it was just a fact that out of the 6 emails i sent regarding meeting for office hours he wouldnt respond but he would tell me in person that he got my email and read it... but not reply bc “it was too funny and you put pressure on me to be as funny or funnier and i couldnt do it so i would put it on so it would seem i forgot to reply..” so after  i said yo u never reply to these emails so i’ll just stop if you keep ignoring ‘em. 10 MINUTES LATER i am hit with a reply and it literally,,, fuking,,,

and we talked for like, an hour before he stopped. it was fun and my heart was swept with gay feelings for dante. i got him the most caramel-ly ice cream we had and then..

..it was tuesday, the 7th, that i asked him out and gave him his ice cream and he... said he wasnt interested and how he hoped we could be friends and also remain professional about it, how that i might use the relationship/ice cream to expect or exploit it for a better grade and then i said no no its not about the grade it was more just being interested in him and, basically, i got a ‘no thanks’ and a handshake and then i didnt see or hear from him since. it sucks. i respect his choice but it still hurts to not have his company or anything.

chris, the professor, apparently knows about dante and i and more specifically how im crushing on him but that dante doesnt return the same affection and chris gives me shit about it and im very salty about being teased about such an embarrassing thing

anyway its only been four days but man it sucks. he sent me an email saying thanks for the ice cream, and then he didnt show up for office hours we usually do and then on thursday he ignored my presence and idk man did i just misread something? did i say the wrong thing? i saw us doing couply shit and now its just some dumb fantasy

anyway i respect his decision but i cried on the way home from bein rejected (tuesday), the day he didnt show up for office hours (wednesday) and office hours with bryan (thursday). im a sad boi

[avimour]

weird dream: spiderman was trying to escape someone idk and ended up in a band class being directed by hannibal lecter in a mustache (i say hannibal and not mads bc i knew in my heart it was hannibal at that moment in the dream) and spiderman picks up a accordion so he doesnt look like the odd one in and he played his parts perfectly. after the class hannibal walked over to spiderman, put his hand down on his shoulder, and told him he’d love for him to join the band now in my dreams i usually stay on the same topic, which was spiderman being the accordian player in hannibal’s band, but my brain decided to transition to a different place in this same time era, and that was two kids bored in detention. weird thing: their detention was located in a ward for the most dangerous criminals, which for some reason was located right by their school, which was connected via parking lot.  so the kids notice their supervisor walking away to go do whatever thee fuck supervisors do, and they took off. they decided to go investigate the most dangerous criminals. they looked through the slots at all of them, making jokes and whatever, before they get to the cell labelled hannibal lector. they noticed he wasnt in the room, so they somehow unlocked the door, and started investigating around the room. in doing so they found a piece of cloth covering this huge-ass hole, which went real far down into the earth, so far down they couldn’t see the end of it.  a little cut in my dream shows me hannibal in his prison uniform digging this hole with a plastic spoon and a plastic fork. back to the present, the supervisor grabs these two kids, however hannibal lector also grabs these two kids.  ‘naughty children shouldn’t go poking around other people’s homes’ is what he said. or something like that.

turns out hannibal lector is the supervisor, and he’s just wearing a mustache. he broke out of his cell and got a job as a band director and as a supervisor for detention. i have no idea how but he’s hannibal so i guess he had a way. the dream cuts and it seems the person watching the security cameras has figured out that hannibal lector isnt in his cell anymore, and calls for all the supervisors to go investigate. the kids hold onto two of their supervisors, one of whom appears to be jefferson davis, and tell them not to go investigate with the others, and that they dont want them to be ‘marked’ jefferson raises an eyebrow at this, but listens to the kids. a montage of the supervisors investigating hannibal’s cell, where they look into the hole, and go ‘oh thats a fuckin big hole the fuck?’ and supervisor hannibal goes ‘funny.’ and then kills all the supervisors in that room. he kills them all in weird ways, and eventual takes an eye from one, a tongue from another, an ear, a foot, and a hand.  its at this point that alarms are going red and all the kids from detention come running to hannibal’s room, where they accept the gifts he gives them. all the kids from detention were missing something, such as an eye, tongue, ear, foot, and a hand. they magically fuse onto their bodies? anyways hannibal and the kids escape into the parking lot, where they locate a big van, a la soccer mom style. him and the kids get the fuck out of there, and on the way they pick up the rest of the band, including spiderman whose still wearing his spidey suit. note: i have no idea which spiderman this is. at first it was tom’s, however it could be any spider at this point.  my dream gets fuzzy at this point because my cat was sneezing into my face and trying to wake me up. i managed to ignore her and go back to sleep. while im watching them do this cop escape scene, the cops not wanting to shoot the van, i say in my head ‘i wish will graham was here.’ and then realize he can be! because this is my dream! so. spiderman unmasks and it’s will graham, releasing a gasp from everyone and hannibal going ‘fuck’ because this is season 2 will graham, who wants him dead sometimes and wants him to marry him the other times. will looks at hannibal, andt hen at the kids. “we have to adopt all of them. and the whole orphanage, or the cops will never stop chasing after us.” will says “we?” hannibal replies back, dodging a massive hole in the ground “yes.” my dream fuzzes again because my cat is getting angrier that im not waking up, and spits in my face a bit. i realize that my cat is going to keep doing this and i need to wake up soon, but i want to continue my dream. so a montage it is. a montage of hannibal and will adopting a lot of kids, just a bunch of them, because for some reason the cops cant arrest them and send them to jail if they have this many kids?  anyways they find this little castle they live in and start to build out their territory, creating a beautiful kingdom, and hannibal goes ‘i must get something amazing for will’ and so he digs another hole/cave this time going under another kingdom which has this rare emerald that is a dark green and flashes to a deep red in the right sunlight. he manages to steal these emeralds, out of a well, from the king of this land, and returns to his holecave, when we hear the king go ‘NO!’ my cat once again tries to wake me up, causing the dream to fuzzy and go to a different time this time, hannibal and will arent here, instead its one of their sons whose become the king, and his wife that he married from somewhere the king is playing a game with his children where they avoid the spooky ghost lady, and try to find all the notes. only problem is that the king recognizes the spooky ghost lady to be a grown up version of his lost first born daughter, who has disappeared from her bed one morning. he figures out a way to save her, causing the black goo to fall off of her and for her to be revealed. she is quiet, but tears are still going down her face.  the king, over-excited about his daughter being alive, takes her back to the castle, but along the way he notices two cords on the ground, in a nature traily place, and follows them, to find an old corpse on the ground, with a noose around his throat, and a empty noose beside him. his daughter then speaks up. “‘i love her. she is the most perfect being on this planet and i would kill anyone if they tried to hurt her. i shall steal her from her bed, so that we can be one together.’ then he took me out here and hung both of us. but, a princess cannot die, so i just suffered for years instead. kids using me as a fun late-night game. until you saved me father.” and then they cry and the dream fastforwards again. this time its a prom? prom night? whatever. and the princess is talking with one of her siblings. they’re talking about who they’re going to dance with or whatever, when one of them gets a magical ping, and sees troops outside the city walls. they quickly alert the kingdom of the incoming battle a cut again, my cat is wanting me awake real bad, and this time i see a car. the car is a black fancy breed of car, and inside is three people. one a bouncer, another a noble british lady which you can tell by her tall powdered wig and her white face makeup, and the third is a young prince, who is sick and keeps complaining about a headache. the car pulls up to the wreakage of the city’s gate, where there’s dust and rocks everywhere, and we see the princess come out of the wreakage, and wave her hands. she’s wearing some sorta biker getup, but without a helmet. the car stops, and the bouncer rolls down the window “hey, are you okay?” asks the bouncer “like, no! i just want to go home. my boyfriend should be back where you came from.” the princess gets into the car, the bouncer having invited her in. “Alright. lets go find your boyfriend.” the bouncer backs the car up and turns around, heading back the way they went. “whats your name?” asks the prince “almara.” replies the princess “almara. that sounds familiar?” the prince scratches his head. “it should. this is a hostage situation.” almara pulls up her magic, placing it at the young prince’s head. “oh fuck!” scrreches the british lady “its okay guys, ive been in a hostage situation before. we will all make it out of this if we jhust listen to the princess.” almara has them turn the car back round, and has them drive it to the castle, where she gets out with only the young prince, and takes him to her father. “why?” is all her father asks of the prince “to get back the crystals your fathers stole from my father!” cries the young prince. my dream fuzzes again, and this time i get a little scene. the king and one of his kids, are looking at the crystals in a well.  ‘can we show mom?” asks one of them “no, she’d have a heartattack.” the king pulls out a straw, which contains a crystal a tip of the crystal is eaten. the scene changes back its weird because my cat is really mad at this point, and so i cant really described what happened that well. apparently the king gave the young prince some lip, and then hannibal and will appeared, dressed to the nines in fancy king clothes, and tell the young prince to fuck off and that they never stole the crystals. the prince screams as the pain in his head starts banging against his skull. the dream end. my cats are hungry and pissed at me for sleeping. i fed them and they are happy again.

[leaughrilke]

TELL ME! I always love your thoughts!

BLESS U

so the all the kids love their moms a Whole Heck of a Lot right and obviously kara and lena love their kiddos more than words can describe and its not that there’s any favoritism??  at all, like none, its just that stella is sort of naturally closer to lena??  in the same way that finn and maia are sort of naturally closer to kara, like there’s a certain sort of distance created when you’re a kid and you physically can’t Be a certain way around one of your parents

so there’s not distance per se but just....things that kara can do with finn and maia that she cant do with stella and things that lena can do with stella that she cant do with finn and maia 

and its not a Thing but then it sort of becomes a Thing ??  not so much for finn and maia bc lena and kara have gotten creative in making sure that lena’s always been able to be as involved in their lives as kara 

but heres the deal: maia and finn have kara’s powers and kara trains them.  that’s cool, thats fine, stella gets why she does; kara takes them to the deo with her a lot and they punch cars together (especially maia, she’s got a Lot of Rage to work through) and they go flying and kara helps them practice control over their powers and stella can’t help but feel a little left out??  bc for the most part, because her siblings are in control of their powers, they have the option to do everything she can with lena but stella doesnt have the same option with kara

and she hides it rlly well!  she does!  bc its not kara’s fault and its not finn and maia’s fault, its just how they are, and stella decides it has to be her fault which in turn feeds into the dark thoughts she already has bc, you know, empath that acts as an emotional sponge for the world

kara and lena both notice little stella withdrawing, kara notices its more around her than lena and is like..heartbroken.  just fucking devastated bc holy shit what did she do how did this happen she fucked up she fucked up and lena tries to comfort her but she’s p worried too like fuck whats going on 

and it doesnt help that stella can literally feel everything that they feel???  so she just shoves her feelings down even more and bounces back and then it boils over and this one in her class says her brother said that her brother is a word that makes stella shake with anger and she just hauls off and punches the girl

lena’s usually the parent the school calls first but she’s in opal city for a conference so lena calls kara, then the school calls kara and she’s in the middle of an interview and she let lena go to voicemail bc if its urgent she’ll call back but then she’s like “crap, it’s my daughter’s school” and her subject (idk wonder woman or smth) is like “omg no don’t worry, family first” and is super understanding when kara bolts

and like.......she would have expected this from maia, maybe (maia, who still takes the supplement that suppresses her powers bc she doesnt trust herself not to, maia, who gets so numb she just sometimes hits stuff just to feel something) but not stella??  not tiny little stella that used to sob when she accidentally pulled lena’s hair as a toddler or completely forgot kara had superstrength and would apply bandaid after bandaid when she bumped her elbow on the table

so she gets to the school and stella’s just Not Talking, in full shut down like she gets when she gets fried from the world (its sort of sensory overload??  thats the best way to describe it) and she shies away when kara reaches for her, tries to tip her face up to get a better look at the black eye she’s got forming

pls note that stella’s maybe eleven and still Small and she looks even tinier to kara now, looks more like the baby she pulled out of an abandoned car on the pier, and kara’s heart twists and twists at the way stella wont look at her

so she lays her phone on the chair next to stella and marches into the principals office and, while she agrees that stella shouldnt have resorted to violence, she also fully trusts and believes that her daughter wouldnt do anything without reason and she just verbally eviscerates the other mom, who tries to make it out like her daughter hasnt been harassing stella for years or anything (bc kara fucking commits every name to memory, every person that has ever hurt her kids, remembers their names what they said or did and she seethes bc she cant ??  fix all their problems for them???)

and when she marches back out, stella’s playing candy crush and has managed to escape with only suspension for the rest of the day and she still wont look at kara but she grabs onto kara’s hand with surprising force and kara’s like Okay, everything is going to be Okay

eventually stella says it, not to kara, but to alex bc she cant face her mom, either of her moms, with this, not when she’ll feel everything kara feels and she cant handle how it’ll hurt her to know that stella feels so angry and so useless, feels like she cant keep up with kara so she doesnt feel like she should even try, like she doesnt deserve to be kara zor-el’s daughter 

so alex asks if she cant tell this to kara and stella sort of sobs out a please and alex is a lot better at compartmentalizing, which is a skill stella appreciates bc it means all she can feel is alex’s love for her, kindness, warmth, not the way alex’s heart is breaking for her youngest niece

so alex tells kara and kara is fucking devastated like holy shit how did she not see this and alex and lena both are like hey its okay, she buries her feelings, thats part of her powers and lena’s like i didnt see it either but none of it helps bc kara’s like i failed her, i failed my kid

stella usually carpools w/ her best friend home or to lena’s office after school but kara all but demands an afternoon off, storming into snapper’s office and throwing him for like.....several loops with the way she basically tells him she’s taking this thursday and every thursday hereafter off.  and she calls ari’s mom to tell her that she’s picking up stella and she’s the first car at pick up and she picked up stella’s favorite drink from starbucks on her way over and her heart sort of twists a little at the obvious surprise on stella’s face to see her but she works extra hard to box that up and it must be working because stella’s stormy expression has already cleared a bit by the time she makes it to the car

when they pull up to the deo, stella figures that it must be time for her like biannual brain scans, to see how she’s matching up with other telepathic aliens bc they still dont know that much abt her species, but then kara’s guiding her down a different hallway, still just chatting with her abt her day and stuff like that

they walk into one of the Many training rooms and stella’s like ?????  and kara tosses her a gym bag from a locker that stella notices has her name on it and is like i know it’s really hard to not be able to do what your brother and sister can and i am so sorry that i never saw how much you’re struggling.  and i know its not fair that you dont get to punch cars with us, but you can punch this punching bag and talk to me and stella’s sort of overwhelmed??  but in a good way for once

so thats how they start spending thursday afternoons.  kara has alex teach stella proper form after that first day and then they figure out a routine—kara greets stella with a snack afterschool and they head to the deo and dont talk about the heavy stuff until after stella’s changed, after kara’s wrapped stella’s hands, until stella’s gotten a few good punches in, kara steadying the bag.  then it all starts coming out, all the terrible thoughts stella has, all the horrible things she feels that arent even her feelings to begin with, all these awful orphaned emotions that she takes on without meaning to

the system works rlly well bc stellas too wrapped up in her own head, in her words and in making sure she’s in the proper stance, throwing her weight the right way to notice anything kara’s thinking or feeling which is good bc she’s a kid and she shouldnt be worried about her mom’s stuff, she should just feel safe enough to let kara carry some of the burden

THIS GOT RLLY LONG AND I HAVE MORE SO ITS UNDER THE CUT SRY

IM GOING TO SCREAM ABT THE DYNAMIC BTWN THE KIDDOS FOR A MINUTE OKAY

finn is the Ultimate big brother but he is So Soft oh my god.  like??  he Will Not hurt anyone, he refuses to but the absolute second it looks like someone’s fucking with his sisters he makes it seem like he is absolutely willing to hurt someone.  he’s only hit someone once, and that’s this one guy that was pulling shit with stella he shouldnt have been (stella was visiting finn at college and definitely wasnt supposed to be at the omega phi party but well u kno how dumb teenagers can be) and finn punched him once, with nowhere near his full strength and the asshole cried and finn only felt a little bad

but !  for the most part he’s not the beat ppl up for my sisters kind of brother, he’s the do you wanna talk about it brother, the you’re on your period so i ran over to the corner store and got those stick on heat packs you like and also three pints of ben and jerrys brother, the your date bailed and youre crying in your room and think i cant hear it so i cancelled my plans and now we’re going to have a movie night on the couch, mama ordered chinese food brother

he’s the one that follows maia and cleans up the mess she’s made but only after he’s wrapped her up in the tightest hug he thinks she’ll tolerate and promised not to tell moms anything.  he’s the one that helps her keep a lid on it most days, appearing from a classroom and pulling her into it when it looks like she’s about to rip a locker door off its hinges.  the one that intervenes with teachers on her behalf after she blows up in class, smoothes things over so their moms dont have to get involved or ever know about it

he’s the one that acts as a buffer for stella a lot of the time, especially when they’re very little.  he keeps by her side when she’s very small, still unsteady on her feet and that’s their holding pattern, her stumbling and him right beside her and offering her his hand.  he’s the one that acts as a go between for her when the world overwhelms her and, ranking just below their moms, is one of her favorite people and one of her Certified Safe Places.  the list is a small one (basically consisting of lena, kara, finn, alex, maggie, eliza, and j’onn), it’s v prestigious in his opinion

sweet child of mine, i could wax poetic abt how soft and gentle finn is with his sisters and his mothers and the world in general

MAIA IS SUCH A FIRE STARTER OH MY GOD i love her i love her so much but she is destructive as hell.  like the best way to describe it is this—u know how soft finn is?  he’s kara danvers.  maia?  kara zor-el when angered.  she screams and she rages and she’s a hurricane and she breaks things and burns things but she is so fucking careful with the people she loves and even though she loves flying, she loves not worrying about hurting them more so she keeps her powers suppressed for like.....basically from birth to when she’s about twenty or so and she’s a mess but she’s a mess you call when you’re in a fight in a denny’s parking lot and you know she’ll show up even though it’s 2am and you started the fight

and she loves her family so so much??  so much it hurts???  and she’s not good with feelings like finn and can’t read ppl like stella so she doesn’t know what to do with the way she feels most of the time so she beats ppl up for her siblings without them even having to ask 

she finds finn locked in the girls bathroom once and doesnt even say a fucking word, she just storms into the boys locker room and starts threatening ppl until they point her to the ringleader and he well he never messes with finn ever again and quite honestly flinches whenever maia danvers walks into a room

stella gets called a freak?  technically maia doesn’t beat the kid up that said it, bc he’s like twelve, but she still intimidates the hell out of him.  in college, stella comes out and like most ppl r cool w/ it but this one dude in her freshmen seminar calls her a dyke and stella doesnt even necessarily tell maia, but she’s in the city and has brunch with her the next day and can fucking see it in her face and so she does beat him up

most ppl at school dont realize their mom is Lena Luthor bc she’s mostly known as mrs danvers or maia/finn/stella’s mom/other mom and she rlly looks v different when she’s at the school or at a recital or performance or game, usually in casual clothes with her hair down and sunglasses on, so no one ever rlly puts it together but once maia heard these kids saying that any luthor still standing is a threat, you know? and she sort of destroys them

i mean, to be clear, they r alive

they also dont ever say the name luthor within their high school ever again

when she gets older, she sort of mellows out thanks to age and maturity and also a fuck ton of therapy but she still verbally destroys ppl and is that person that’s always like they’re not treating you right?  leave their ass

and stella oh little stella

she’s like very much the baby of the family, like there’s abt five years btwn her and finn and three btwn her and maia and she idolizes her siblings even if she’ll never voice it

she is also a giant brat sometimes like she mercilessly blackmails them for rides and party invites and whatever else she wants (obviously not mercilessly, never about the big stuff, never about anything real) and they know she’d never follow through on her threats but they give her whatever it is she wants anyway bc that’s sort of part of the game they play, you know?

she also takes like.....a lot of care for them.  like as much as they protect her, she protects them.  she’s usually the first line of defense when things get shitty, bc she feels it??  and is sort of forced into noticing first.  when finn starts getting nightmares, it’s stella that clambers into his bed and starts telling him stories.  she’s the first to get a Bad Vibe from maia’s bf and she fucking acts on it, tells their moms.  she knows when her siblings are happy and she cheers them on so fucking loudly and she knows when theyre hurting and she’s the first to bring them kleenex and snacks

[survivor-kalymnos]

Ep. 9 - “im running on borrowed time”- Franco

Michele

I would love to see a full list of who everyone voted for. Its VERY fishy and a complete blindside. Makes me feel worse about disadvantage next round

lenny

Right when cranjes becomes my ally, they get kicked off. lol. what is happening in this tribe rn? I want to get to the bottom of it.

michele

ive never felt more alone in this game. people clearly lied to me.

lenny

according to dusty, Franco and Eliza flipped for the split vote. yuck! what to do now? I don't know. I think if I have any chance of getting Eliza or Michele out, I have to make a new alliance. 

lenny

Dusty just said that her franco rain and worm were the ones to flip and that makes me very anxious and I don't know if I can trust rain fully :/ that makes me sad. I really hope I can. 

lenny

so michele and I are talking which is v heartwarming. I apologized for being cold towards her. I hope we can work together. 

Dusty

Well that was messed up LMAO That’s the second time Eliza has flipped on me and taken out my closest ally...anyway I will not be working with her anymore. But I’m gonna make her believe it. And thank you to my amazing acting skills she gave me her half of the super idol..........ma’am. I’m so sorry. She expects me to give it back to her after this round but Idk if I can do that if she isn’t in the game anymore! She also told me that it was her and Franco that flipped with rain and worm. So now I’m trying to work with Lenny and Michele who seem to be on board, and it seems like I’ll also have to working with frank and Sasha. And with this blind round there’s a fear of voting for someone that won immunity buuut at least I have a 10% advantage to help me out :) Wish me luck!

michele

kinda blew up a little so gonna lay low for strategy. i also sometimes take things too personally which is why i only do like 1 org a year so that last tribal got to me a lot. franco messaged me saying he doesnt trust me and even tho his instincts are completely correct idk it just feels weird. i think i just hate general confrontation 

Frank

So I’m shocked Cranjes left but I’m quite happy about it. He was leading a lot of things so to have him go is wonderful. After tribal, Michele approached me about getting out Eliza or Franco, so we stan that. Once one of them is gone though the other needs to be taken out as well since they’re both strong and we don’t need one of the having a story of, oh my partner got out but I still made it through so much. After that get rid of Dusty and then Lenny at some point bc who. I’m fairly quiet but Lenny is practically a ghost. Right now the only person I actually trust though is Sasha, which is not something I thought I would say but here we are.

Franco

Blind rounds are so SCARY. Mainly the part about no one knowing who wins immunity. Like, we got out 2 idols last round by blindsiding Cranjes and flushing Frank's, but theres still more out there. And no one is going to know how tribal is going to play out Michele was kinda pissed at us for leaving her out of the vote. But? Sis left us out of her alliance with og Plati, and didnt give us ANY information last round despite knowing I was a target. Eliza is also.... Kinda not smart. She gave her half of the idol to Dusty because she wanted to reconcile. Which is nice and all! But thats a direct chance for him to get back at us and take a shot at us. Keeping the idol separate was best for everyone. So I just gotta pray Eliza knows Dusty as well as she says she does!! I dont expect to win this challenge. Im gonna chat around, but I think Im going to have to play my idol this round to save my skin. My name has been thrown around 2 rounds in a row, im running on borrowed time. We'll see how today goes!

Frank

So Franco messaged me about if I’m gonna vote him this round and that he doesn’t understand why I’m going after him. So I did the kind thing and explained it and said that I don’t want to work with him because he’s working with everyone and that I don’t see that as being beneficial to my game. So Franco is my target again and michele messaged me last night to get rid of him so we stan. I’m probably gonna get votes but who could be shocked by that.

Franco

surprise!! my name is going around AGAIN!! i'm so. not shocked. Frank has it out for my for some reason?? I confronted him this morning, let him know his """allies""" are throwing him under the bus and offered to exchange information or work together in some capacity but he literally turned it down. first rule of survivor is never shut down lines of communication like that!! he is denying any chance of game relationship we could have and thats such bad gameplay. I bombed the challenge because I'm dumb. And now that I know my name is circulating I'm going to have to play my idol. I just have to hope that whatever happens is good for my game. It's so hard to orchestrate votes during an invisible round, everyone is playing strictly for themselves because there's no reason not to. I really really finally want Frank gone. This is the THIRD ROUND in a row I've said that. but seriously I'm over him. he's gotta GO.

Eliza

Dear diary... Literally can’t believe we pulled that blindside off! I had to do some damage control with dusty and because I know what kind of player he is I gave him my half of the super idol. I told him I’d give it to him for this round to prove that the cranjes vote had nothing to do with him and that he is still someone I want to work with. He seemed shocked but obviously took the security and I think I have at least some of his trust back, I mean this IS the second time I blindsided him and voted out his closest ally. Now I know you’re probably thinking, ellie you’re a dumbass, and that I am but I know how dusty works at this point in the game and it’s gonna take a bold move like that one to get ANY of his trust back. Franco didn’t think it was the best move but I can’t just play according to Franco’s standards. The invisible round is absolutely terrifying, everyone agrees that it’s frank but we all know that he could 100% win this challenge. Obviously everyone with a brain wants to split but some of these people won’t wanna split again after they got out smarted, Franco might be playing his idol because we all know frank wants him out but frank has also said I need to go and I have absolutely no security rn so yeah, I’m fucking scared. Let’s see what happens!

Rain

So... I haven’t been around much today. I abstained from immunity. My depression is kicking in and even tho I’m doing well in the game, I can’t be bothered to get into it, as much as I want to. So I’ll ride Franco and Eliza’s coattails until either I pull out of this funk or I get voted out. The move tonight is to try to get frank. Except he’s kinda good at challenges (although, tbh, hasn’t been that great since returning - maybe the idol was holding him back?) so we think he may get immunity. I think voting Sasha would be better - like come on, I don’t even think he’s trying (is that hypocritical to say?) and he only talks to his allies. The other side (oh is it just dusty, Sasha, and frank now? Fuckin sweet) doesn’t even attempt to socialize with me. Dusty to some extent, but talking to Sasha and frank is like talking to a fucking wall. I’ll be happy if either of them go. But tbh at this point I’m ready to join the jury. I’m going to keep playing and keep trying because that’s what jay and the people I’ve voted out deserve to see, but whenever I go home, I know I played a good game for my first game in over a year. 

lenny

not feeling confident about this challenge or good in general. Rain is most likely working with franco and eliza. I hope I can trust dusty. oof

Worm

So last round seemed to have back fired. I think I have alienated myself even more but I'm not sure if saying people not talking to me is showing that. They weren't talking to me before anyway so I guess nothing really changed then lol They goal this round is to target Frank which is okay with me cause I think people will start going after bigger targets next round like Eliza and Franco. Michele seems really mad at me which i can't fault her for so my goal if I survive this round is to talk to her and get her back on my side. Maybe reuniting the alliance of dusty, her, and I could make a huge impact. This challenge is really difficult so I don't think I had any chance of winning. I kinda hope I do for just in case reasons. If I being told the truth and everyone is targeting Frank then it should happen pretty easily. His idol got flushed last round so it should be simple to get rid of him. But until those votes are read I do believe that I will be the one going home.

Frank

Watch Franco have an idol and I go home. That would be funny, tbh I guess it just would be. But oh boy I am gonna get myself a nice snack if Franco goes...although let's be real I'm gonna have a nice snack no matter what. But I just want to stay and have Franco or Eliza leave since that would benefit my game to an extreme since they KEEP TRYING TO VOTE ME OUT. Or at least saying my name which is enough for me. Like if you say my name, get out!

rain

Tribal is in a few minutes, and I’ve just had an emotional chat with Franco He is truly an incredible ally and I really look forward to being in the reunion w him and finding out who he is irl (although I have a guess) Anyway, I just wanted to give him some positive edit, because I’m sure he’s very N as the villain of the game :P 

Dusty

This is crazy idek if I won immunity or what’s happening I changed my vote like 3 times LMAO i voted for Eliza I don’t know what’s happening i think I’m freaking out for no reason. My only fear is michele being very quiet. 

michele

being quiet worked i guess. wasnt really a game move but i didnt get voted out so yay

Sasha

I really just gave up on trying to have my own strategy/game and just voted how people told me to huh

Eliza

Dear diary... It was a tie between me and frank, this might be the last time I write in confessions but hopefully I was able to make some sort of impact in the game. Wow this sucks

Dusty

jflkdsaiof okay a tie well michele being quiet all day meant that she didnt get the chance to know the vote was for eliza... which just made me think someone decided to not flip against eliza/franco so in the revote i reached out to worm and rain to try and get them to flip which they both denied. ugh im so stupid, they would know regardless that i flipped, but now it seems like i was soooo adamant about her going... oh well. Franco is going to be pissed anyway

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #4: "I made James quit accidentally because I rigged a random.org" - Brian

So.... BC quit. Don't know why (and I am not gonna enquire, I just know he is hella busy). But ya I don't know what this means going forward but im gonna roll with it. If i'm not flexible, then that is not a good winner. so ya looking forward toi see whatever happens, and if Madigan go to tribal again, all i know is that i will still be safe cause james and I will just get Keaton involved

I’m SHOCKED BC quit because I thought I was going home lmao so now I have no idea what the hell is gonna happen I’m praying we swap tbh so I can meet up with Brian or Bryce who I know sbsbsbs.

Okay I'm super sad BC quit. They seemed like such a sweetheart. And I always hate to see anybody quit. I'm usually kind of annoyed about quitters but I hope BC is all good and it was just because they were busy... :(

This game has been really good to our tribe. We havent gone to tribal. I have a majority alliance of 4. Everyone is active and does 100% on the challenges. Its been good. Havent had much luck in idol hunt tho so probably someone already found it. Still nervous for the challenge. I want to keep winning but the bad thing in the eyes for the other tribe.

The game is always changing... and someone quitting just shows how quickly everything can change in the game. Plans set forward destroyed... alliances ruined just due to what the game might throw at you at any given time. It’s always scary but you know what... sometimes you gotta look at something bad and say hey let’s test my gameplay a little bit... that is what I’m good at and that is what I plan to do!

So we have swapped. and im not with james. This is hateful huh. first bc quitting today and now this. fuck this. and im with marie and keaton as well. ffs. oh well. time to get socialising and do this shit!

I KNEW A SWAP WAS COMING!!! I felt it deep in my bones. Do sharks have bones? I actually don't think they do. Oh well. I KNEW IT WAS HAPPENING. Obviously I'm super nervous now because I was in a great spot before. But luckily I still have my #1 Brian. And Charlie who is a part of my Four of a Kind alliance and he has an idol. Plus Anna and I hopefully can work together like we have in other games. I just hope she trusts me. Ugh and I freaking hope we win this challenge. Because OG Dinah members definitely have a target as the last intact tribe. SO much is going on in my little gay brain.

Okay my brain is going a mile a minute with this swap. I'm reconnecting with Anna. She seems excited to see me and she told me she isn't super close with Jayden or Nick so that's amazing. I told Brian about Charlie's idol. So this is good. We're surviving.

omg so we swapped and im so sad nathan isnt here but thats about it. happy to be away from jayden since he IGNORES me. when i read these after the game im gonna seem so obsessed huh KJDFSHFAKSJD. but anyway. dennis is here and hes one of my fave ppl ever! hes just so nice. we shared idol guesses and i really wanna go to the end with him. matt is pretty cool and we both stan the good place and naomi smalls so i feel like we'll be good allies. marie is a queen and super nice but maybe not super active but we both love ari so yay. naptime maynor isnt really liking my humor JKASDHF but thats ok. and kirby guy is alright too!! nicole seems nice enough if not a little standoffish but hoping for the best :s love this tribe overrall tho and really hoping to avoid tribal

I got ZType for the duels! Blessed. I can do well in this game and I can't be the reason our tribe loses in the RARE chance we do. So i'm feeling okay.

Too annoyed to write too much right now. But yet another org, and yet another swap fuck! Honestly, this is ridiculous. We have three members on either 7 person tribe, and even if we do manage to succeed in surviving another non-dinah is going to replace the voted out member... you can't make this shit up.

I knew the swap was coming. But im with Dennis which is good. He has some connections with Bryce and Nicole so hopefully they work with us. Keaton is also here like oh Boi. 👀 going to see if he wants to work with me this time. Having him around could help me in this game.

James quits by leaving the server and ignoring everyone.

https://gph.is/1neigCU my mood at my initial alliance members both qutiing time to die?

Ok so Klick quit which is kinda upsetting cuz I was grinding tf outta that challenge and I lowkey played a game with him about a year and a half ago and kinda wanted to reconnect. BUT Nathan is now on the tribe which is like the nest possible scenario. Also we have Anna so hopefully we have an easy majority. Also I assume Dennis has began running the game over on the other tribe because he is great and will probably end up voting me out at f9 or something. But YAY F14 IM NOT OUT YET ANSNSKDKLZLXKC

MY IMPACT?  I made James quit accidentally because I rigged a random.org to save Charlie from doing Multitask and then James had a fit because he got it and was sleeping so he couldn't pick... I... can't believe how I'm WINNING this game?  Anna, I hope you get my winner's crown READY because I'm doing the damn thing!  I am sorry I made him quit because I didn't think he would kjHDAJK... but wow...

Although I am in the minority right now based on tribal lines, Nathan is someone I've wanted to work with for like eons, and I feel so much more comfortable with him on my tribe than James and letting Annabelle hold my fate in her hands.  I think I have an upward battle, but I know Charlie has the idol and will warn Sharky in the case I need Charlie to use it on himself.  The two from my OG tribe I got stuck with is by far the only two from Dinah that I would go out of my way to protect in this game and knowing Charlie has the idol... ugh... I don't even have to DO anything and tea gets served to me.  Love Sharky.. love Charlie.. love Nathan... can't wait to thrive in this game now!

So the swap, i thought would have been really bad for us original dinah people but so far it looks like we might pull through. Nicole told by Dennis to me that she is willing to work with us but im a little sketch because she hasnt really responds to me exept like one message and then it stops. Im trying to get info from keaton and see if he wants to work with me. I have to keep an eye on him cuz he’s messy af. 👀 I think we could be a strong tribe so hopefully we win the next immunity. I rather have my no going to tribal streak going. I need to start talking to our new tribe members as well.

well james left so we got nathan i'm not upset about it i love nathan he's my person this game i think and we swapped with sharky on the tribe and i just played with sharky and we're in majority so things are really looking up here for me tbvh i feel like sharky might want to get rid of one of my OG tribe people but we'll see how it goes.

This game is weird man. I was so ready to play 2048, but Kirby Boi #2 was a quitter, so now I'm not playing 2048, both people I trusted QUIT, and Dennis is on my tribe. I am going to lose really soon. But hopefully I can find an in on my tribe and survive.

i just want an advantage. but oh so now 4/5 of my tribe is together and im just here.. love that! not sarcastic!! miss nathan tho! so far clicking with dennis still and naptime. hes a true carly rae jepsen fan i asked his fave and he said sour candy which is like (bad) but not well known so he must actually like her!! nicole left me on read.. love that! sarcastic!! and yaa wooh loving the new tribe that guy who quit bc of multitask kind of a flop but go off now im closer to merge!

This morning finding out that James was removed was suprising. It sucks cuz i was enjoying doing the ztype. I got to 7,100 which i think its good but idk if it actually was. But im ready for this challenge and hopefully we could win in it. Definately dont want to go to tribal.

Okay Nathan is AMAZING. I love him. And I'm totally going to work with him for sure. i'm so glad he didn't flop. And Honestly I'm glad James quit so that I could work with Nathan. This lip sync challenge is going to be silly. I offered to do the editing which honestly is a big undertaking but I like to be in control and It's definitely going to paint a target on my back but if we win it'll be so great.

OMG SO FUN CHALLENGE THAT I HATE WOOH. i love this but i hate it. idk. i REALLY dont want to do a queen song so i pretended to not know who they are NNN but all that caused was my tribemates shading me... and its like... matt says beyonce is just "ok" and i need to listen to real music.??? just say u hate women and go. JK. maybe. but ANYWAYS. love dennis still and naptime is so funny love his pins! nicole left me on read some more so i sent her demi lovatos GET BACK music video and she finally responded with two 5 word msgs and ghosted again so um really loving that! kirby guy also doesnt reply a lot but thats ok totally loving only talking to 4 ppl!

edit: quitters are shitters

Our song is Dont stop me now by queen which is awesome. I just need to find the time to work on it later today or tomorrow morning but have an idea what imma do so thats good. Still talking to keaton but no game talk it. Hopefully soon because im still feeling sketch on this tribe. I dont wanna get voted out pre-merge. *knocks on wood* ✊🌳

Making the video was really fun. Had more fun and felt more comfortable after making the ones before were i wasnt as comfortable. This is one of my fav comps now. Cant wait to see how it turns out.

UM?? I'm CACKLING?? So Sharky showed me the clips he got from Nick and Jayden, and I'm just so confused how straight men get any sort of action when they're as stiff as them?  I mean I guess they're not ugly so that probably helps, but neither of them are good at using a camera... So I'm just SO ...

I have nothing else to talk about other than how fucking STIFF the straight men are in their lip sync videos, so whew... love visibility…

worst comp for me ever like i was fine doing 2048 i could have probably helped with that but like a music video? YIKES that's not my thing at all i didn't know what to do or what to help especially since i'm so not gonna get on camera >.< i hate being useless if we lose like ugh lmfao

Okay so this challenge was...a disaster. I asked everyone to just do the song and then I'd make it look good with editing. That didn't work out. And I had more trouble editing than i thought. I feel like I dropped the ball and I'm not sued to being someone holding my tribe back. I tried to hide our bad lipsyncers. Charlie got sick. And something happened in the rush of uploading it that gave me a weird crop and a couple of cuts that I screwed up but I ran out of time. I'm feeling really disappointed in myself.

Okay we lost. This sucks. two of the judges called out the edit/effort specifically so that doesn't feel great. But I'm going to look at this as a positive. Maynor and Dennis stay safe on the other tribe. And Now I can use this to make some real connections and alliances on this tribe. Like Chad Michaels I will rise from the ashes and be the gayest winningest phoenix you have ever seen.

Ok so me Nathan and Nick should really stick with Annabelle. Easy majority makes easy game which makes happy Jayden

So we lost the challenge, but I don't feel too... bad about that.  I mean if I go home, clearly I fucked the fuck up and felt too confident... but I think that I feel... good?

Firstly, thank you to the judges for recognizing my SNAP in the lip sync.  I wasn't sure they were going to do my rap in the challenge, so I'm glad it was in there hehe... Now... going to tribal is a part of the game and the strategy has been lacking up till now, so I'm excited to jump in and finally explore that part of the game.  It'll be a nice start to my resume, following accidentally make James quit LMFAO.

Right now, I think I'm in a solid spot.  Nick said he wouldn't vote for me and I mean.. we haven't talked much, but I expect him to not lie for no reason... and I'm going to make sure to increase our conversation and expand on what HE wants to happen to just have that tea under my belt.  I think Jayden is who I would like gone, and I think I'd be able to gather the votes to get that to happen.  It's not like I have anything against him personally, but I just feel it's hardest to talk to him because him and I are not alike from what I've gathered.  I'm the uber gay and for the uber gay and the Travis Scott fanboy to get along?  Would be shocking.

I like Annabelle and Nathan a lot and I don't think they'd throw votes for me.  I have my little final 2 deal going on with Nathan, but highkey I don't think I'd keep him as my #1 over Marie, if I get to the point where I meet with her, so I have no problem cutting him or Annabelle in the future.  I do think it'd be better to work WITH them, especially for now, and I think they feel similar sentiments, but I don't know for sure!

But now we come to the real people I would like to protect going into this vote, Charlie and Sharky.  I love my OG Dinah babies so much, and I will make sure their names aren't the targets of this vote.  I think Sharky has set himself up well, and since he told me Charlie has the idol, I think we should especially be OK.  I also think Annabelle and Nathan seemingly want to work with us, so .... whew...

ALSO, this is a mid-confessional update, but 2 alliances were formed.  We have the "Tea Party" alliance with Sharky, me, and Nathan (the gays) and then the "Dinah Dudes" alliance with Charlie, Sharky, and me (OG Dinah's) and then I think another sub-alliance with the "Tea Party" and Annabelle is coming to fruition, so kjHDKAS... ya... I think I'm SET.  I can't wait to wreck shit!

So we swapped tribes and here I am with 3 from my original tribe, 3 from the other tribe and Bryce from the third tribe. Bryce and I know each other, and by that I mean I just blindsided him another org... oops! Hopefully he doesn’t come after me but who knows because I literally did not participate in this challenge at all! We still won though so hopefully I’ll get to redeem myself in the next one

My arms are SORE from pulling all my best Freddie Mercury moves out for this lip sync, I am SO tired. But I honestly am so glad i gave my 100% effort because I truly needed to pull through for this tribe and show them I’m not just a sitting duck. (Is that the term? Idk.)

Either way I’m glad we all got to bond through this and here’s to being safe ANOTHER round (I’ve never gone to tribal so wooooo!)

i want an IDOL or sth. but um dennis is so fun love that man. always asks daily to work with me. like idk how many times i have to tell him that he is literally the only person on this tribe to pm me first without me having to (NOT EXAGGERATION). marie and matt? no reply from marie in like 30 hours and matt hasnt been talking to me since i said idk queen. kirby guy? replies with 1 word answers and taste in music offends me NNN. nicole? who. all she does is ignore me and like somtimes she replies and ill reply in the SAME LIKE 10 SECONDS, and she'll just leave me on read JKADSFHAKSJ. comes back like 9 hours later with no reasoning on why she stopped talking and with just a "hi", and thats if im lucky! idk i hope we swap soon or merge. like the whole preswap i was praying for a swap to find some good allies bc all i had was nathan really, and now i just have dennis. maybe by merge ill have a whole 3 allies??? oh wait theres um maynor hes cool i always have to pm him first but hes at least responsive and can hold a conversation! black bear diner goes off and i WILL be eating there the next time in houston

We lost, which was hardly surprising when I saw the other tribe's video lol. So now it's not looking good for us dinahs... but luckily I have the idol up my sleeve hehe. Gonna tell Brian and Sharky so that we can use it to save us…

I was so happy that we won immunity. Stil feeling a little sketch on this tribe. Injust hope that the vote isnt charlie, brian, or sharky. And especially sharky cuz he’s my duo. Now dennis, nicole, and i are the only 3 to not go to tribal yet. Its pretty awesome amd kinda scary.

https://youtu.be/BfzG9xjtCRw

Down with the straights!  I still think Jayden is going, but if Charlie ends up going I'm JUMPING because that means I've been lied to by people that want to claim to be my final 2... I do trust in Jayden going but we shall SEE!

So the tribe lost and I’m a bit nervous because I’ve only heard one name... I would have loved to saved my idol until I needed it but I think it’s very likely my name could be the second one going around... we shall see what happens though.

Ugh okay so I was hoping for a simple easy vote. But as usual there is just a little bit of drama. Nick told Anna/Nathan that he has a legacy advantage to be used at F13/F6 which is trash because that means if we lose next time he'll use that and be safe. But if we vote him out he'll gift it to Jayden and we have the same problem. Plus Charlie is wigging out because he has a bad feeling about the vote, which is totally fair because he isn't talking very much. And Nick told Anna her name got thrown out which is just untrue. This is just kind of messy and not in a cute way.

Jayden is voted out 5-2.

[0n3-h4lv3]

10:17pm 9/7/18

FUCK yall. Heres some things that *i* have 2 say. @ morgan : i love u so much !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! U literally deserve every good thing in this entire world. You are so loving and bubbly and positive that it is Infuriating to me that you have to face any hardship whatsoever. You dont deserve that, but you are strong enough to push through it and to make the most of any bad situation, and im SO excited for your future and the amazing things you will accomolish. Youve been my best bud for like ??????? 12 years almost ??????? How badass is that !!!!!!! U are the one bitch on this planet that i truly can tell everything. Nothing on this blog would suprise ir shock u, like a bitch knows whats up bc. God i rlly truly can 100 percent relax in ur company. SOMETIMES i still worry abt dumb shit but then i tell u anyway and it works out ok. Im mad greatful for that. Even with my other besties, i think id go mad without u and our friendship. I dont always send u the most responsive texts, but i DO think abt u every day and i LOVE u 2 bits and bits and bits. I wanna have sleepovers again. And tell bad stories abt marvel and folklore characters in the dark until we pass out laughing at eachother. I miss being kids. I dont think there was a point in my life so far where i have Truly been blissful or care free, i wasnt built that way, but memmories of u and me playing and creating and laughing together are truly the happiest i have. If not for you I would have killed myself three years ago in my bedroom after school, that day that i couldnt stop crying ? I went home and i tore at my shirt and i screamed and sobbed and slammed my head into the floor, lamenting how unlovable i was, but i really did have something that kept me from giving up, and it was you! I know thats heavy, which is why im putting it here and not actually telling you, but even though liv was my big fp at the time, you were rlly my reason to live. I just pray that i can do something meaningful for you, to repay you for being there for me before i die.

Finny! : BUD!!!! Ur actually. An angel but irl. Like sometimes i see you and stop breathing for a second. And im not even talking abt that ur like hot or whatever, its like. Gosh, finn you just have this presence ? And you are simultaniously so forgiving and understanding while taking Absolutely no shit and i respect that hard. Its like rlly hard to be uncomfortable in your presence. I still manage to sometimes, because god made me and was like "yeah this bitch will never see rest of any form", but like compared to the discomfort i feel around Most people, the discomfort i sometimes feel around you is WAY less and very warm asfjgja. I wish i got more hugs from you, i know thats like Mad stupid, but theyre. Validating and wonderful and they mean a lot and feel rlly good so more of those would be cool. I miss laying w u on the couch and watchin horror movies !! I know that was just like a month ago and its not like we cant do it again, but with how busy we are and how busy Everything is im very scared that we actually wont get to, or that u dont want to. Anyway im rambling, but u DO mean the world to me, and im so so sorry if im too much or overbearing. I dont know if you know how much you mean to me ? If youre on this blog you have an idea but i dont think these posts actually paint it accurately. For the past 10 or so years ive had a pattern of latching on to people, one at a time, and putting "all my eggs in one basket" so to say. It can be a best friend, or romantic interest, or both. But regardless ! This person directly and immediately impacts my emotional state. And rn its you !!! Which sucks a LOT. Bc even outside of my shitty "favorite person" thing, you are very important to me, and your friendship is so important to me. But i havent figured out how to negate or counter the whole fp experience, and so whenever u do anything... that i could interpret as disinterest or disgust or like anything negative, it has a 50/50 chance if sending me into a panic, sometimes a full fledged anxiety attack ! And whenever you show interest or affection or anything positive, it beyond makes my day. And thats. Like weird ? And it sucks even more for you, because if you realized how strongly just the tiniest thing can fuck me up, you wouldnt even want to talk 2 me. You would distance yourself to save urself from the stress and me from the whatever this is. But i know that my brain would just pick someone else as soon as you abandon me, so i have to just keep in my head and to myself until the fp thing moves on, or u abandon me anyway, or whatever. Bc i dont want to lose our friendship. And its ok !! But it makes our friendship more complicated on my end. I unintentionally put so much stock into how u percieve me, and so you not wanting to date me for suoer valid reasons still tears at my heart a lot. Like somethings wrong with me or you dont rlly love me or whatever even tho thats not necissarily the case. Anyway. Ill be ok. I rlly will, this is something i just need to man up about and push through ! Thank u for being such a cool friend :).

MADI !!!: UGH bitch. I do love u. Im sorry im late every time u pick me up in the morning and that i complain so goddamn much. I know its unbecoming but in my defense im feeling pretty rock bottom these days and u r like a cute little ray of sunshine that drinjs too much coffee. You are so. Beautiful okay ? That sounds like bullshit cuz im ur best friend and all. But this is honesty hour. See what i wrote to finn and mj ?? Im not fucking around. Im laying it all bare. This is the post yall will find AFTER i kill myself, so im not gonna LIE to u in it. Could u imagine ??? Anyway point is: you are so beautiful, and you are complex and interesting and Capable okay ? Like ur not a background character or basic or none of that. U feel like u are, and u say ur not pretty or whatever, and its like. The dumbest shit bc if u could only see what Every One Else was getting to look at ? U wouldnt recognize urself. Also. U have an INSANELY kind heart. I cant believe u were ok with me fucking your boyfriend. I cant believe you put up with my drama. You buy me coffee ? You go out 2 lunch with me ?? You seem to take genuine interest in me, and like my company !! Its bananas girl. I dont know how i can be so vile and low and selfish and you still stay by me. I dont believe i deserve it, but ur kinda adimant abt remaining my best friend, so hopefully ill have time to become a better person for you, and 2 return the favor. I love u mads. Like, big time. Ur a rock and roll girl and id do anythin 4 ya <3

Myla !! : buddy. Oh my god. A lot of people r likr "ohh im chaotic good" or "wow shes got such chaotic energy" and its MAD bullshit. But real talk ??? U like... do have such powerful chaotic good energy. Ilysm. Ur smile is Contagious. Actually just seeing u at school makes me smile. Ur company and friendship is such a blessing. ALSO lmao ur so ??? Like coy ?? And cheeky ???? Its mad fun, ur just like a very silly very lovely bud. I know you are Also very depressed and hurting. And i hate that so much. You dont deserve it. Nothing about you has earned it, but like depression doesnt care who earns what ya know ? Anyway ur strong. Likr 4 real, and i want u to know that you can SO overcome it, and u have such a bright future okay ?? I love you ! I KNOW finny loves you! I dont know ur parents that well but they'd be BATSHIT to not totally love you. Having you in my life is like a blessing, and i rlly rlly rlly hope i can repay the good energy some day okay ? I know u dont like talking abt how ur feeling, but if u ever want to, or u think of ANYTHING i can do to help, tell me asap okay ? Bc i will not hesitate to be there 4 u, no matter how big or small.

OKAY @ all of you !!! :

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY !!! IM *SO* GREATFUL YOU ARE ALL IN MY LIFE !!! Literally i cant. Express how important you all are. Im crying and i would Literally die for any one of you. That sounds like a silly thing but it would be. An honor to actually lay down my life for the sake of any of u guys, tho im not sure how the situation would arise lol. I feel like i owe y'all so much. I also know that if i am going to get better, i cant do it alone, and i might end up asking more from u guys :(. I hate that, but im hoping you can understand and allow me to return the favor somehow someday.