#bc its always difficult to do specialized shit in another language

[baekuras]

Tomorrow I need to do an eye checkup in english (instead of german aka the norm) and I just checked if there are any better ways to explains things or tell people what to do etc instead of my basically direct translations and turns out

nope

it sounds exactly as stupid as i already worded it, no special words or better formed sentences around 10/10 school english is good enough (nice)

[forexportsonly]

the 3 year trauma

i guess this is the only place i can be honest to you, about the 3 year situationship i had. definitely, it was the toughest, longest and saddest relationship in my life. but there's a catch that i have never told you about, or maybe i covered it up because im afraid that you'd judge me.

so, i fell in love with a girl. someone older than me, someone from work, someone that i am still in contact with despite no longer having romantic feelings for her.

at the start, it was definitely just a rebound, bc before her, i liked another girl. but it started to become more serious when i worked a lot with her. and i would always buy food and drinks for her. it became to a point that i splurge a lot just to see her smile, bc i guess one of my love language is gifting. i love to see people smile and is happy when they receive a gift or yknow, its the thoughts that count.

i was in denial stage for so long, hoping for a miracle, but deep down i do know that i will never have an ending with her.

tbh when we started, ig i still have feelings for her. but not as strong as it used to be. bc i started diverting my attention to you alot, wanting to meet you, hang out with you, and really wanted to get to know you. i become very clingy and needy easily, and that's something really bad imo. bc i felt that that was how we fell apart. you enlisted, you couldn't reply to me 24/7, you couldn't meet me whenever i wanted you to, i know i should have stood stronger but i am sorry, i crumble too easily.

perhaps you will never believe, but i have never tried to date someone else during that period. i was fighting my inner self so hard to not disturb you, knowing that your training times would be tougher and you don't have much spare time during the first few months of enlistments. and i knew that being isolated was a shit feeling, so i really don't blame you for drifting away, and losing feelings. i couldn't be there for you during your worst, and i couldn't be there to celebrate your success.

i always wondered, if we get back together ever again, will we still have this issue between us? but how, if all i wanted was you. i really wanna fight so hard for you to stay, i really wished the ending was us, but i know, im too difficult to be loved.

anyway back to her, i officially moved on and let her go out of my heart this year march when i knew she was seeing someone. and i wanted to heal myself before going back to you. i know, it sound like im using you as a rebound. but i knew you were really special to me. so i tried so hard to become better before trying to even talk to you.

i let down my ego, i tried to communicate more, but i felt that there was always a barrier between us le. you didn't want to communicate as much as before, which i understand and i respect it. but yknow, bad communication is really the end to many things. i know you know, but i can't force you to do it either. so i thought so, if you wanna let go, i don't wanna hold you back either.

may to august is not a really really long period, but that period i cried almost everyday, hoping to forget what happened, hoping to just start afresh like really fresh. but, i could never mend the pain i caused to you,

when i went to batam in august, i went to one of the temple and prayed yk, and asked questions. i asked 3 times and the answers ive gotten the 3 times i asked, was a 'no'.

i asked the god, if there will be a future between us. being an overthinker and someone that just hope you come back, i asked again when i came back sg.

4 times tho, and when i decided to let go, you asked if i wanted to try again. and i felt that, it was the first time you asked, so i gave it a shot. but i felt like things were the same. im really not sure if im expecting too much from you or are you just playing with me around. and i gave up again.

this time, you said you have a girlfriend now, and you love her a lot. ngl, it broke me. blaming myself for losing you and pushing you away when all i wanted was you. but, i guess there is no point in regretting that i have lost you.

i wish you nothing but the best, and i hope she loves you a lot, more than you love her.

someday, i hope you might think back of me and smile, but if not, it's okay. you deserve so much happiness.

i love you, weijun

[furymint]

2019 Creator Reflection

Pick a favorite piece for each month to celebrate the year! Reflection under the cut.

January: i dont remember writing another poem this year after this one, and i dont think i could necessarily top it: i think this is one of the better ones i’ve written. it’s tldr abt elliot n his anxiety abt proposing, and why he won’t do it, and i feel that its focus and imagery is tight even tho there’s a few trips in rhythm, which i think help convey his panic

February: i’ve distanced myself from this one a lot, but i think it’s still p strong. nol’s rant is a bit preachy, tho it sources from smth he’s thought abt a lot and which is a thorn in several of his conflicts: self-image, reputation, class, n identity. the undercurrent is also censorship within vulgarity and truth, which is a mega issue in war-related literature

March: honestly one of my fav things. i love writing brucemont, and i love nol’s relationship w the dead, and w elliot, and w bruce. it was difficult as usual to get the fight scene done, and pronouns are a special hell, but im happy w how it turned out.

April: i liked the language in this one. alliteration kept coming to me, which was as annoying as it was a help bc it can easily overload a sentence, but it felt snappy to write even w the long sentences. we also stan the vigil, as always

May (1 / 2): the first was a really excellent exercise, all things considered, and finding a way to combine each route n hone in on each questline helped me remember some plotting basics. thank u wyda! / this one was one of my first sets w separate characters in gpose, rather than taking separate pics and combining. ofc the flashback pics were heavily made up, but the pics w nol n eli were all shot w timing, which was a lot easier than expected

June: this one took a long time, but it’s fun to do frame-by-frame animation n add grime, so that’s what i did. i liked organizing the colors on nol n dav, and the lighting turned out really well. it tells a lot abt them, too

July: ironically, altho this was one of the most complicated puppeting jobs ive done, it went rly smoothly by how excited i was abt it. i blame absolutely everything on this shitpost

August: ah yes. my Novel. i honestly love this thing to death, and im astounded by how quickly i wrote it and how finely done it is. def my achievement of the year, sans college things. its the first project i’ve begun from page one and will finish in order. will!! plz look forward to it!!

September: happy ffxivwrite! faith crisis or not (elliot’s always having one of  those) i wrote fluff. i havent done that in like. 3 years. at least. not to this degree. one day ill write all the stuff that’s in exposition!!!

October: this was a slow month bc i was working on everything i’ve posted for november n have yet to complete, but i did hit 80 gnb and got nol his greatcoat!

November (1 / 2 / 3): a big month! the first big segment of wedding au, a nol thing for armistice day, and an eli edit i ended up falling in love with. i think i bled keeping up the pacing in wedding au, but im super glad w how it turned out. the points of intensity work and im grateful for it. then, i wanted to keep the tradition of confronting some military things for 11/11, and tho i didnt hit the date, i finished it. i’ll never feel like it’s “enough” to cover a topic that deserves a book, but for 1k it’s a entry.

December: another slower month bc of family n trips, but i did manage to write--holy shit--smth fluffy. i don’t usually use the ouroboros technique in my writing, but it felt extremely appropriate here w the cycle of death n life in the story.

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overall: this year was stupid, and also really good. i finished my thesis, graduated magna cum laude w english honors, joined phi beta kappa, got working meds, made friends, went to ny twice, read more books than i have in so so long, and sorta learned how to drive. no responses to internships, and no response from potential job yet, but i know 2020 will be the year i get to work and im excited to get started. also first au!!! im gonna do it!!!!

and past reflections, for ref: 2017 | 2018