#bc its always difficult to do specialized shit in another language

[baekuras]

Tomorrow I need to do an eye checkup in english (instead of german aka the norm) and I just checked if there are any better ways to explains things or tell people what to do etc instead of my basically direct translations and turns out

nope

it sounds exactly as stupid as i already worded it, no special words or better formed sentences around 10/10 school english is good enough (nice)

[forexportsonly]

the 3 year trauma

i guess this is the only place i can be honest to you, about the 3 year situationship i had. definitely, it was the toughest, longest and saddest relationship in my life. but there's a catch that i have never told you about, or maybe i covered it up because im afraid that you'd judge me.

so, i fell in love with a girl. someone older than me, someone from work, someone that i am still in contact with despite no longer having romantic feelings for her.

at the start, it was definitely just a rebound, bc before her, i liked another girl. but it started to become more serious when i worked a lot with her. and i would always buy food and drinks for her. it became to a point that i splurge a lot just to see her smile, bc i guess one of my love language is gifting. i love to see people smile and is happy when they receive a gift or yknow, its the thoughts that count.

i was in denial stage for so long, hoping for a miracle, but deep down i do know that i will never have an ending with her.

tbh when we started, ig i still have feelings for her. but not as strong as it used to be. bc i started diverting my attention to you alot, wanting to meet you, hang out with you, and really wanted to get to know you. i become very clingy and needy easily, and that's something really bad imo. bc i felt that that was how we fell apart. you enlisted, you couldn't reply to me 24/7, you couldn't meet me whenever i wanted you to, i know i should have stood stronger but i am sorry, i crumble too easily.

perhaps you will never believe, but i have never tried to date someone else during that period. i was fighting my inner self so hard to not disturb you, knowing that your training times would be tougher and you don't have much spare time during the first few months of enlistments. and i knew that being isolated was a shit feeling, so i really don't blame you for drifting away, and losing feelings. i couldn't be there for you during your worst, and i couldn't be there to celebrate your success.

i always wondered, if we get back together ever again, will we still have this issue between us? but how, if all i wanted was you. i really wanna fight so hard for you to stay, i really wished the ending was us, but i know, im too difficult to be loved.

anyway back to her, i officially moved on and let her go out of my heart this year march when i knew she was seeing someone. and i wanted to heal myself before going back to you. i know, it sound like im using you as a rebound. but i knew you were really special to me. so i tried so hard to become better before trying to even talk to you.

i let down my ego, i tried to communicate more, but i felt that there was always a barrier between us le. you didn't want to communicate as much as before, which i understand and i respect it. but yknow, bad communication is really the end to many things. i know you know, but i can't force you to do it either. so i thought so, if you wanna let go, i don't wanna hold you back either.

may to august is not a really really long period, but that period i cried almost everyday, hoping to forget what happened, hoping to just start afresh like really fresh. but, i could never mend the pain i caused to you,

when i went to batam in august, i went to one of the temple and prayed yk, and asked questions. i asked 3 times and the answers ive gotten the 3 times i asked, was a 'no'.

i asked the god, if there will be a future between us. being an overthinker and someone that just hope you come back, i asked again when i came back sg.

4 times tho, and when i decided to let go, you asked if i wanted to try again. and i felt that, it was the first time you asked, so i gave it a shot. but i felt like things were the same. im really not sure if im expecting too much from you or are you just playing with me around. and i gave up again.

this time, you said you have a girlfriend now, and you love her a lot. ngl, it broke me. blaming myself for losing you and pushing you away when all i wanted was you. but, i guess there is no point in regretting that i have lost you.

i wish you nothing but the best, and i hope she loves you a lot, more than you love her.

someday, i hope you might think back of me and smile, but if not, it's okay. you deserve so much happiness.

i love you, weijun

[furymint]

2019 Creator Reflection

Pick a favorite piece for each month to celebrate the year! Reflection under the cut.

January: i dont remember writing another poem this year after this one, and i dont think i could necessarily top it: i think this is one of the better ones i’ve written. it’s tldr abt elliot n his anxiety abt proposing, and why he won’t do it, and i feel that its focus and imagery is tight even tho there’s a few trips in rhythm, which i think help convey his panic

February: i’ve distanced myself from this one a lot, but i think it’s still p strong. nol’s rant is a bit preachy, tho it sources from smth he’s thought abt a lot and which is a thorn in several of his conflicts: self-image, reputation, class, n identity. the undercurrent is also censorship within vulgarity and truth, which is a mega issue in war-related literature

March: honestly one of my fav things. i love writing brucemont, and i love nol’s relationship w the dead, and w elliot, and w bruce. it was difficult as usual to get the fight scene done, and pronouns are a special hell, but im happy w how it turned out.

April: i liked the language in this one. alliteration kept coming to me, which was as annoying as it was a help bc it can easily overload a sentence, but it felt snappy to write even w the long sentences. we also stan the vigil, as always

May (1 / 2): the first was a really excellent exercise, all things considered, and finding a way to combine each route n hone in on each questline helped me remember some plotting basics. thank u wyda! / this one was one of my first sets w separate characters in gpose, rather than taking separate pics and combining. ofc the flashback pics were heavily made up, but the pics w nol n eli were all shot w timing, which was a lot easier than expected

June: this one took a long time, but it’s fun to do frame-by-frame animation n add grime, so that’s what i did. i liked organizing the colors on nol n dav, and the lighting turned out really well. it tells a lot abt them, too

July: ironically, altho this was one of the most complicated puppeting jobs ive done, it went rly smoothly by how excited i was abt it. i blame absolutely everything on this shitpost

August: ah yes. my Novel. i honestly love this thing to death, and im astounded by how quickly i wrote it and how finely done it is. def my achievement of the year, sans college things. its the first project i’ve begun from page one and will finish in order. will!! plz look forward to it!!

September: happy ffxivwrite! faith crisis or not (elliot’s always having one of  those) i wrote fluff. i havent done that in like. 3 years. at least. not to this degree. one day ill write all the stuff that’s in exposition!!!

October: this was a slow month bc i was working on everything i’ve posted for november n have yet to complete, but i did hit 80 gnb and got nol his greatcoat!

November (1 / 2 / 3): a big month! the first big segment of wedding au, a nol thing for armistice day, and an eli edit i ended up falling in love with. i think i bled keeping up the pacing in wedding au, but im super glad w how it turned out. the points of intensity work and im grateful for it. then, i wanted to keep the tradition of confronting some military things for 11/11, and tho i didnt hit the date, i finished it. i’ll never feel like it’s “enough” to cover a topic that deserves a book, but for 1k it’s a entry.

December: another slower month bc of family n trips, but i did manage to write--holy shit--smth fluffy. i don’t usually use the ouroboros technique in my writing, but it felt extremely appropriate here w the cycle of death n life in the story.

-----

overall: this year was stupid, and also really good. i finished my thesis, graduated magna cum laude w english honors, joined phi beta kappa, got working meds, made friends, went to ny twice, read more books than i have in so so long, and sorta learned how to drive. no responses to internships, and no response from potential job yet, but i know 2020 will be the year i get to work and im excited to get started. also first au!!! im gonna do it!!!!

and past reflections, for ref: 2017 | 2018

[honey-piggy]

happy (i think?) 1 year

Ok so it’s been a year y’all and I have been on a crazy ride this last year. I’ve met some amazing people, some shitty people, some lovely people and some really questionable people 🤔 I have so many wonderful mutuals who I’ve shared so many memes, moments, gifs, fics, recs, pictures and videos with and I’m grateful for the amazing friendships I’ve built on this absolute shit-hole of a website/app. 

Below is a mix of the mutuals I talk to, mutuals whose blogs I love and mutuals who I follow who always post amazing content and bless my dash with diversity, happiness, inspiration, love and colourful things. Even if we don’t talk, just know that following you has been a pleasure so far! This journey’s been great so far so thank you to everyone! Here’s to another year! (If your name is in bold, check below for a special message 💕)

A-C

@afiwashere / @afroarmy94 / @angeljimiin / @awildblackkpopperappears / @dabaddestb-tch / @beekkul / @blksunflowergrl / @canadian-honey / @candiedmingyu / @cherry-bangtan / @cloudyera

D-F

@dearlytea / @emotiadouche

G-I

@gijitae / @gukgalore/ @guksheart / @heinekyun / @icasseopeia  

J-L

@jango-tango / @jour-de-printemps / @juniorgunners / @kainks / @kittenfran / @kuromatoki / @kwkwknsn / @lumochii

M-O

@magiic-shop / @minnpd / @mitaesoroo / @myleejooheon / @nanders-sk / @natazite / @noona-clock

P-R

@polaritae

S-U

@shininjjongg / @soft-hoseokkie / @softstancyj / @some-people-have-lives / @sunflowersinmyafro / @submissive-bangtan / @sunnychims / @sweetheartwonho / @tae-kun / @theangelcafe

V-Y

@wheneverythingslipped / @wonhoneybun / @wonhosflower 

✨ @afiwashere you’re kind and caring and loving, soft and empathetic but that doesn’t lessen your ferocity nor your sassiness. You’re one of the strongest people I know and I hope to always be blessed by your witty words, excellent humour and gentle soul.

✨@cherry-bangtan I had the pleasure of working with you to produce some headers for your amazing works and it’s something I’ll always remember. You were one of the first authors I followed on here and I thoroughly enjoy everything you’ve written. You’re always kind and patient with the people you interact with and such traits are difficult to uphold in such a hostile environment these days. I hope you continue writing masterpieces and I look forward to reading them!

✨ @dearlytea Rea! We haven’t really had the time to speak since you’ve been away on your hiatus but I genuinely love everything about you! You’re funny and talented and write some of the best smut I’ve ever read. Love love 💗

✨ @emotiadouche LEY WHERE DO I EVEN STARTTTTT. I remember following each other really early on and you’ve always rooted for me. You’re a fuckin comedian, brilliant writer and best friend! From whoring out over our favs to asking each other for advice on writing, you’re always there for me, my lil yeetling. Might I also mention your mind is just as filthy as mine and I adore it 😔🙏🏾 needless to say, you’re also a fucking great author and I love you works, I would love to write a collab piece with u. also thanks for ruining my life by introducing me to ATEEZ, I belong to one (1) woman and one (1) woman only. I love you big time, my bbg💘💋

✨ @gijitae minha querida, you’ve been so kind to me and so loving. I love our mutual passion for languages and writing and I absolutely adore the knowledge of cinema you bring to me. You teach me so much and support me so much more, I do not deserve an angel like you. 👼🏾

✨ @gukgalore Rayan, you write some of the best content out there and honestly, you’re so creative. So talented and open-minded and willing to listen to others. Never change, you’re absolutely perfect!

✨ @guksheart Cait, omg :( we’ve been through so much shit, but I can always count on you to listen in times of need and can always rely on you to give great advice. Honestly, you’re a queen and I look up to you so much, you’ve inspired me in so many ways and encouraged me in my writing. From our shared passion for tea and lofi to our undying love for bts and kpop, we clicked from the very moment we messaged. I hope that life is kinder to you than it has been and I hope you find the happiness you undoubtedly deserve. I love you so much! 💕

✨ @mitaesoroo  Bebe! Your timidness and softness is impossible not to like! I know you’re away on a hiatus but I hope you eventually see this. You’re back and I’m so happy! I always have you to thank for sharing amazing tunes with me (your taste in music is impeccable) and for always being there to cry about Monsta x together. I wish you all the best, mon amour 💗

✨ @jour-de-printemps we’ve been mutuals for only a little while but the similarities and things we have in common with each other are absolutely crazy! We’ve ranted together and I’ve enjoyed listening to your stories about the work you do. I also love your writing, you’ve written one of the most heartbreaking stories I’ll never forget and I hope you continue to write more!

✨ @kuromatoki I literally have no words that can express. You were my first follower and the first person I followed and ever since you’ve messaged me asking about CoD, we’ve pretty much been inseparable. Your undying, burning love for B.A.P and dark aes is what I love most about you, along with your soft personality and loyalty to your friends. You are the most amazing person and if it weren’t for the fact we live in different countries, I’d be by your side 25/8. You’ve always been there for me, even when I think I’m undeserving and I hope life grants you eternal happiness. I love you dearly 💗

✨ @minnpd Nova :( I know you left tumblr a while back but you remain one of the most cherished people in my heart. Your writing is absolutely phenomenal and I’ve pretty much read your entire masterlist. I’ll always remember our first interactions and me being intimidated by your status and I’ll never forget the excitement I felt knowing you were about to release a new work. I hope you’ve found happiness and solidarity in life and I wish you the best for the future. I love you! 💗

✨ @nanders-sk you’re such a talented young writer. Your words transport me to the worlds you create and I’m completely lost in every piece. Your writing is magical and although we don’t really speak, I know you have a kind soul. Please never stop writing and doing what you do best. The world deserves to see what an amazing author you are and you deserve such recognition.

✨ @shininjjongg RI LMFJSNS I LOVE OUR FIRST ENCOUNTER, ITS ABSOLUTELY UNFORGETTABLE; who knew two opposing opinions on Dragonball (a.k.a. The Best anime out there) would form such a solid friendship. My Pisces Partner in Crime who never fails to crack me up. You’re always bursting with knowledge about history and it’s so beautiful, your passion. You’re a fierce, determined, take-shit-from-no-one kinda gal and I love that about you. Not to mention you’re really hot too 🤧 I hope your exams went/are going well and I hope to speak to you again soon 💗

✨ @soft-hoseokkie​ Jo! We’ve interacted a bit more recently and I really appreciate the fact you stan underground/rookie/underrated groups who really deserve more recognition for their phenomenal efforts 😔✊🏾 It broadens my horizons and always piques my interest. But! You’re always kind and calm and I love that you’re so open minded. You’re also adorable 🥰

✨ @submissive-bangtan Miss Caro, I’m a little nervous writing this bc you’re one of my biggest role models. You opened my eyes to the domme lifestyle and while I think I’m not really a domme, I can appreciate that aspect a lot more than before. Your writing is sensual and sharp-cutting; thought-provoking and extremely sexy. You’re firm and take shit from no one yet still kind and patient with the people you speak to. You have the perfect balance. Interacting with you has always been a pleasure and I hope to do so more in the future 💗

✨ @theangelcafe Honey, you were my first anon and the way we spoke pretty much everyday was amazing! I know we’ve both been so busy and don’t talk as much now, we still remain close and I always love hearing about your day and your interests! 👼🏾

✨ @wheneverythingslipped Kat, i just, like, love you so much. I remember sobbing over how beautiful you are, your beauty is legit breathtaking. You’re always quick to tag me in things you think interest me and share your passions with me and for that I’m so so grateful. You’re one of the purest souls I’ve ever encountered, you’re so special ✨💕

✨ @wonhoneybun RAE ☀️ We’ve spoken a lot more recently and I think we’ve grown closer. You’re kind, sweet, loving and talented and we share a lot of things and experiences in common. You’ve always been kind to me and always take time out of your day to make sure I’m ok, I appreciate that more than words can ever convey 💌

✨ @wonhosflower Silvia :( you’re so beautiful it intimidates me bshsjsnshhs your passion for cakes and baking is so cute and inspires me to get in the kitchen more often! (Not to mention your love for Wonho & jikook) Whoever gets to wife you one day, will be awfully lucky to have such a gorgeous and talented girl like you 💕

I’m currently away so this is queued but know that I love and cherish you all! 💕✨💕✨💕✨💕✨💕

that’s enough emotion for one day, adeus y’all 👋🏾💗