#bc it makes them feel better than other ppl to check a little BLUE box instead of a little RED one are going to drive me insane

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

[sloblesbian]

so last february when my parents were moving out of their apartment in pawtucket into the house they rent now, i went over to help move some stuff and check out the new house. while we were still in the apartment (which i loved... it was a really beautiful loft), i grabbed a hair elastic from my mom’s room, because my hair was just barely long enough to put up, and i had been using those tiny plastic elastics they sell in a little container of like, 500, + many many bobby pins, and a headband. i didn’t have any hair elastics of my own. anyway it was exciting for it to be finally long enough to put up, i kept the elastic, and every day, except for 2 days in january this year where i couldn’t find it (it was, for some reason, inside of a sock on my floor), i have used it to put my hair up, which is how i mostly wear it, bc i don’t know how to part it in a flattering way, and i don’t like when it touches my face. when i have my hair down, i wear it on my wrist. i have not used another hair elastic since. it’s very stretched out & today i finally bought some of my own. it occurs to me that i could do the same thing, pretty much, and have these elastics last me for the next two decades of my life, probably. 

i’m somewhat aware that i’ve been pretty steadfast in terms of personality, tho i like to believe i’ve mellowed out and just, in general, gotten better at being myself, but i have difficulty remembering who i was in the past. i can remember very specific events but in general it’s fuzzy. i know at one point in high school i had very long hair, until i cut it off- it was blue and i have it in a box somewhere. also when i moved out of state i grew out my hair again, mostly because i was absolutely miserable for many reasons and didn’t do anything but lie in bed. i can’t really remember what my opinion on having long hair was at the time though i can remember that both times i cut it i was relieved to hair short hair again. i liked having short hair, it was always very fun and mostly very easy. but i really like having long hair right now. it feels a lot like something i am doing because i enjoy it rather than like. something i am doing because i like the idea of it. i like how its always kind of sloppy because, well it’s my hair. of course it is. i don’t brush it, except when i comb conditioner thru it in the shower, and i just use my fingers for that. mostly it is easier because i dont have to worry about cutting it. i last got it trimmed in september and i will probably get it trimmed in september again. it’s nice and it fits into the image of me that im enjoying. 

which leads me to my next point, i guess. in august i am going on vacation with my family, my mom & stepdad & all four of my siblings, to florida to go to universal. which im looking forward to cause ive never been and i like doing stuff with my family. however. i have a problem (a gemini problem to say the least) where i present a side of myself that i think someone would most want to see, when im with them. with my family, and my mom especially, this is rly about my body... my mom knows what im like as a person, mostly, so it’s not like i would hide that (tho honestly... i hide all sorts of things from everyone for no reason whatsoever, all the time), but im very careful about what i wear when im around her............ specifically she doesnt know that a) i have my septum pierced (very easy to hide anyway) and b) i have a tattoo on my right arm (kind of difficult to hide but i have done it for 2 years for almost no reason.... whatsoever!). also. also. im very hairy- of course she knows this, but, i don’t shave, my legs, my armpits, anything, except my face (cause thats the only part that bothers me... very correlated to my anxiety tho i always forget that). the legs i know she knows about and it doesnt bother me so much cause i dont think she’ll say anything (cause she saw me in shorts last summer & was like ok w/e - thats right i wore a long sleeved shirt to cover my tattoo & shorts around my mother and she didnt say anything at all). mostly im worried about like, other people staring at me (this is such a huge fear with me now idk why). i might take some clippers to my legs to make them like... stubbly rather than a nice forest or w/e. thats fine. i guess the problem here is that, i need to tell my mom about some of these things before we go on vacation so she doesnt get upset about it, on vacation, or i dont try to wear a long sleeved shirt in florida outside doing things. because i will try. 

there are so many things that i dont care if people dont like about me, but its so hard when it’s your body because, there isn’t much i can do about it, it’s very personal to have someone uncomfortable with like... you but not you. 

like im already gonna be physically uncomfortable cause im fat and im bad at walking and my mom is super athletic & most of my family is very skinny & im very Very bad in the heat. i’d like to not worry about a) ppl looking at me b) my mom being upset about what i look like c) clothes not feeling right!! 

itd be nice to have an easy solution for this that didnt involve weird confrontations with my mom. i came out to her in an email bc i can’t stand to see her do emotions at me.