#bc it feels like it's bad but I don't know enough about indigenous issues to tell

[running-with-the-feels]

nightwolf and hanzo unexpectedly bonding over being indigenous 😭🙌

oooooooooo dude, I love that

Just, as a disclaimer, I am not indigenous nor do I know enough about indigenous issues either in the states or in Japan to speak on them at any level, so I will not try to and please take this snippet with a grain of salt and please let me know if I miss anything or say anything incorrect or offensive so that I can fix it

Nightwolf, gesturing at Hanzo's shoes: What are those?

Hanzo: Cep Keri, salmon leather shoes

Nightwolf: Oh, I didn't realize you could use salmon for leather, are they common in Japan? They look quite comfortable.

Hanzo: Not....not really, no. I am Ainu, and Cep Keri are a traditional form of footwear.

Nightwolf: I see, it would seem we have something in common then.

Hanzo: Hm?

Nightwolf, shrugs: I have heard of the Ainu, your people and mine share a similar history

Hanzo: I suppose we do. Does that make us cousins, of a sort?

Nightwolf: Perhaps

(Source for the Cep Keri: https://www.ff-ainu.or.jp/web/english/details/post-8.html)

After that they start teaching each other bits of their people's languages and greeting each other in them. For Nightwolf's birthday, Hanzo gives him a pair of Cep Keri of his own.

I wanna say that Nightwolf gives him a similar gift for Hanzo's birthday but I can't get a clear read on which nation Nightwolf is supposed to be from. I see Matoka most often (which afaik NRS made up) but I've also seen people say he's Apache, Lakota (no specifics on which band), Nez Perce so I'm kinda at a loss there.

If anybody has an answer on that pls lemme know!

[lhazaar]

hey. i'm turning my chair around and sitting in it backwards now because i want to speak specifically to people with ocd. this is a targeted post and is not meant to apply to the userbase of this website at large or to serve as a policy decision.

hi. do you know what scrupulosity means? it is a strong, intense, often painful concern about morality or religion. it's very common for religious people with ocd, actually—the fear that you've sinned, that you will sin, that your thoughts themselves are sinful. you're afraid of being an evil person. every thought and feeling you have is scrutinized to exhaustion in case it's proof that you're evil. this also happens for non-religious people with ocd, it's just that ours will look different; it's often a preoccupation with social justice issues. you care a lot about being a good person, right! most people do. you want to be a good person, you want to be kind to others and to dismantle oppressive systems where you can. i'm making some assumptions here, but they're based on my specific audience base.

so, there's this thing that happens online, especially on tumblr and twitter—not because bluh bluh platforms bad, but because of the ways in which information is propagated on here. people used to tag for these posts sporadically but don't do so as much anymore. you know posts that exhort you, the reader, specifically, to take action? they tell you not to look away, not to bury your head in the sand. they tell you to give and to agitate and to donate time, money, resources.

those posts used to make me intensely, deeply anxious. i don't mean mild agitation, i mean life-ruining, day-occupying panic that seizes your entire body, and thoughts that don't leave your brain. guilt that paralzyes you because you, personally, cannot go kill the politicians responsible. you don't have enough money to do more than donate a few dollars, and sometimes you don't even have that. but because of where you live, because of the fact that you have internet access and you're literate enough to read these posts, you know that you have a level of privilege that most people never will. you're aware of that privilege because you're reasonably in-tune with social justice movements and you've probably spent some time dissecting your own privilege to examine your biases. (that's not a bad thing; i'm not here to condemn that. stay with me, if you can.)

there's a thing that can happen if you've lived with ocd like this for a long time where you become kind of incapable of telling what's addressed to you personally and what isn't. everything feels like a personal exhortation. you have trouble saying no, or knowing when you're overextended, because other people have it worse. how dare you enjoy relative comfort when people are being bombed or drowning in a climate change -induced flood or being crushed to death in a crowd panic. how dare you not be aware of it at all times, always, constantly. how dare you look away. don't look away.

i want to tell you about something i went through, if that's okay. a lot of people who follow me will already know this, but i haven't talked about this aspect of it very much publicly. in 2020, while visiting my partner in southern oregon, we had to evacuate from wildfires twice in under 24 hours. that was a really, really bad fire season, caused and perpetuated by a combination of global climate change and colonialization practices that destroyed traditional indigenous fire management strategies across the west coast of north america. fires stretched from bc to california. we wound up fleeing south, and then had to flee back north again, hemmed in on three sides. i flew back home to bc shortly afterwards, and i have this vivid, awful memory of seeing my home mountain range, the cascades, choked out with smoke from the window of an airplane. the woman in front of me sobbed the entire time until we touched down.

i remember thinking at that time that it was insane the entire world wasn't stopping. what i was experiencing was apocalyptic in scale—the fire we ran from the first time was part of a complex that chewed up entire towns. it wasn't the first fire season, nor the worst for the continent, nor the world. but all i could think in the moment was why aren't we doing anything, this is going to be all of us in a decade, why are people looking away.

if i had gone online and posted that, it would not have been morally wrong of me. there's no ascribing morality to a reaction like that. i mean, if i'd gone to someone who suffered in the years prior in australia or california and told them that ours was So Much Worse, that would have made me an asshole, but i didn't do that. i made some upset facebook posts targeted at the trump voters in my family, but i had no way to express at the time the sort of clawing panic of WHY AREN'T PEOPLE DOING ANYTHING??

the answer to that, which you probably know, is: what would they have done? we were sheltered by friends we evacuated with, but what power did a mutual in new york or wales or singapore have to affect a wildfire in oregon?

so, come back to the present day with me again, if you will. i said above that posts worded like this used to make me really, really anxious. in the span of time after the fire, i developed ptsd, and my ocd ruined my life. i took an extra year to graduate after i'd finished all my coursework because i could not send in the forms required. i was too busy spending 10-16 hours a day rearranging furniture in my room, or lying in bed, full-body tense, until it felt like my teeth would crack from the pressure. i'm medicated now. i'm grateful for it. i have more tolerance for these posts because i've been there. i know the op isn't doing anything wrong, because they're not wrong. why isn't the world stopping to look at a natural disaster, or a genocide? the world should not be like this.

you are not the world. you are someone with a brain that will torture you to death given the chance. you know how learning to reckon with your privileges, whatever they may be, requires you to not try and escape them? you need to be able to hold in your head that yes, you benefit from something that isn't fair; yes, other people should have that benefit, and that they don't is unjust. but you need to, for example, not try and weasel your way out of being white because you're uncomfortable with the guilt that it produces. you need to not go online and say well not ALL americans because you can't sit with the idea of being complicit in american imperialism. if you have ocd, you need to apply that to your own brain, too. you need to apply it to every post that you see. you need to know that people are not speaking directly to you, they are crying out in pain and fear. they are not doing anything wrong. they are scared and hurting.

they do not benefit from you taking on all the guilt of that fear and pain. i am not saying this to absolve you of the guilt. i am saying that you need to be able to exist with that level of guilt without allowing it to paralyze and destroy you. if you can't do that right now, i'm not here to cast judgement on you. blacklist phrases. i had "wildfire" blacklisted for a long time. i'm sure i missed aid posts because of it. the alternative was me being nonfunctional. for a long time, i had donation posts blacklisted across the board, because the way my ocd worked meant that i was neurologically incapable of knowing where my own limits were, and i would give money i did not have. if you need to do that, this is me giving you permission. doing this does not make you evil. it does not make you morally bankrupt. it makes you someone whose brain is trying to fucking kill them, and the world needs you to not let that happen.

this is not a post about how you're exempt from caring about the world if you're mentally ill, it's about how you cannot apply that care to anything useful if you're having massive panic spirals every other day about the guilt that you feel. your guilt should not rule your life. if it does, i say this kindly, but you very likely need medication. i'm sorry if you don't have access to that right now. you cannot think your way out of ocd. you cannot think your way into stopping neural activity. you cannot guilt your way into being a good person; you have to be able to exist with the guilt and not let it rule you in order to do that. nobody benefits from your brain trying to martyr you in the name of solving the world's suffering.

you need to be able to function, free of crushing and paralyzing guilt, before you can help anyone. you are not an effective ally like this just because your brain tells you that it's necessary.

[athena5898]

Given the nature of my blog at this point, i tend to shy away from posting about media stuff. Buuuuut I think there are a lot of younger people experience this slightly "political" dude bro phenomenon so I kind of want to walk them through it. So Dawntrail the most recent ff14 expansion. Is actually pretty good. Now if you listen to some aspect of the community you are going to get some other........."perspectives" on that. Dawntrail is flawed, of course it is. This is the expansion that would have been in development during mid to post 2020 AND it's the expansion that needed to come around after Enwalker to build up the new story. Endwalker that spent YEARS building up to a climatic finish. What does this have to do with the first paragraph? Well, I'll tell you.

Dawntrail focuses on the story of a coming of age of a nontraditionally feminine woman lead Wuk Lamat (who is voiced by a trans voice actor) and we, the heroes of the world, are now going to help and take a back seat to this person. Who she and the entire expansion is based on Indigenous people from various parts of "America" so you know, they should be front a center and our out-of-town asses *should* take a seat in the back (some of you will read this and immediately go "oh that's why it's getting extra hate") If you do not know and was lucky enough to not be a woman or non cis het white male in the 90s trying to play video games or enjoy nerd culture....All of what I just stated is a big problem. Dude bros as I like to call them, (aka someone who you will always be curious if they were or would be part of Gamer Gate. Also please note a dude bro doesn't have to be a man...trust me on that) hate this kind of shit. They naturally feel threatened when the media's focus is not about them. So what do they do? They take legitimate criticism of something and BLOW IT THE FUCK UP. Suddenly that thing that was kinda annoying, is now just the fucking worst. A story beat drags on a little long? Worst media ever. A character has a minor plot hole? Worst media ever. dialogue a little blah at one point? Worst media ever. etc etc etc These are the same kinda people mind you who will write a 8 page essay how (insert average mid action movie here) is the most amazing masterpiece of a film. (which I don't really care about, but it shows that these people are not exactly the most objective purveyors of media arts as they like to claim to be when it's suddenly about their misogyny and white supremacy) I'm bringing this up cause I'll notice some well meaning people being confused saving things "well...I kinda get *this* part of the criticism but...not this other stuff. Why is it a big deal" or some version of this. They don't actually care that much, they just care that an Indegenous GNC cat woman is getting more screen time then their precious gods gift to Eorza WoL. If they had made this expansion about a white guy or our WoL and it wouldn't of gotten nearly the same level of backlash. People will disagree with me, but I'm sorry this is just a fact. And because this is the reading comprehension website, no it's not bad to dislike Dawntrail. No it isn't bad to think a character is annoying. But the patterns are there and the chances of this JUST being about the real issues is just fucking zero. You dont' spend that much time complaining about ONE character as the focus if it isn't about the bullshit dude bro gamer pride. Honestly given how fucking gay this game is I have no idea how these people play this game without burning up like a vampire touching sunlight ALSO...I'm a ex wow player who played that game for the story (I was 14, give me a break) from BC all the way up to 7.2. So I kinda know what i'm talking about when it comes to toxic dipshit gamer behavior *looks back at that last paragraph* god that's so fucking sad. Oh fun fact, according to Wuk Lamat's voice actor Sena Bryer, all voice acting for the new area in Dawntrail was given to Latino/Indigenous voice actors for every single character. (from this area of course) *edit* lol yeah anyone saying i'm wrong is just a fucking grifter or liar. Found this while looking something else up. You know it's bad when the god damn director has to step in and say "yo you little assholes cut it out" https://www.pcgamesn.com/final-fantasy-xiv-a-realm-reborn/naoki-yoshida-wuk-lamat

[bandofchimeras]

Capricorn rising blues:

People always end up coming at me funny about some shit after hanging out a few times. Like babe I do not know you?? that takes years?? I'm not taking correction & direction from you, and frankly when I want advice I ask for it explicitly, after it's given consider it, then do what makes sense to me. I only follow orders from people who I respect deeply, who have proven competence, and I've decided to follow. Which is so extremely rare.

My new friend even noticed in grocery stores or in social settings people will treat me like a punk or as if I'm dangerous and need to be checked. Even the people that claim to love me or are straight up obsessed, are so highly critical or judgmental of my creative attempts or attempts at conversation.

I've finally parsed out that this is a Saturnian problem, and likely because I communicate/mask in a way that presents as authoritative, or interrogative, and come across as standoffish.

People see me as a challenge to the existing authority bc I own my own experience and experience it intensely. They then project that I think I'm better than them or entitled, or trying to take control. Sometimes this might be fair, but sometimes I'm really just Fatigued or unsure of myself and asking questions or being practical minded.

The trouble with being perceived as Cool and Authorizative is then when my genuine uncertainty, whimsy or naivete comes out it's repulsive or angering or confusing. I get treated like an uppity little kid, or people get hurt I don't want them....depending on their relationship with power and authority.

To counter this, I've tried to lead with my vulnerabilities, weaknesses, etc. We are also technically plural so this can mean letting a little front. But then people tend to see me as a Baby to care for who.....again. Needs correction.

Exhausting. I've literally lost housing, friends, lovers, and family connections over this. Some of it comes down to my own genuine behaviors, I can be pretty controlling or not check in on other people's needs & boundaries. But it's not because I don't/won't respect them, it's because my own experience is HUGE and I'm doing my best to manage this complex system or oftentimes hide and tone it down. In order to hear you and honor your needs, I need you to be extremely clear and centered in your own experience.

Astrology is the only lense that actually has helped understand this bc I observed myself acting a similar way to other ppl with significant Capricorn placements in houses of identity. Specifically romantically. It's Daddy issues or like, generational discipline issues.

And I tend to feel bad about analyzing myself in this way but when it's such a nasty long-term pattern it helps to have a framework. Especially because generationally we are all dealing with paternalism, anti-child prejudice, and dynamics that are largely invisible but run whole systems.

We do not actually live in a world that values sovereignty/independence but an illusion of it. "do what you wanna do" but only within a few accepted lanes preordained for you.

My natural existence just happens to challenge these orientations a little more than some folks. So I've been repeatedly punished for literally existing, especially growing up Catholic which is so so so hierarchical and inverts the self. And developed a conclusion I shouldn't exist. Which is where the fucking "mental illness" comes from.

When truly I just need a big enough space to flourish, interpersonally and physically, and be in community with others who culturally vibe that way.

Could also deep dive into Slavic heritage, Eastern Europeans, the legacy of indigeneity in white colonizers & immigrants & children's Liberation & land sovereignty but we shall save that for another post.

Anyways it's always a good day to check your projections on your Capricorn friends. Thanks.

If Palestine has proven anything it's that the current evil world is hellbent on destroying what is most traditional & beautiful. Being targeted for destruction means nothing about anyone's worth. What's needed is defenses and recognition and standing up to this fucking horrific out of control Bully Black Hole we have collectively allowed, aided and abetted into consuming the earth.

[nimbus-tatze]

so the lab grown meat post ( https://nimbus-tatze.tumblr.com/post/639887396603920384/ok-so-lab-grown-meat-i-hate-with-a-passion-the ) gained a bit of traction and I decided to adress how to approach agriculture, some of these technologies and how to help out rural communities, thanks goes to @lordofthechips

Mostly I've listed attitudes/mindsets you may want to adopt to a certain degree, depending on your circumstances and beliefs. Anyone can add if they have good advice, but essentially 'get rid of animal ag' ain't it.

Don't generalize and try to look for nuance, especially coming from the locals/experts. Influencers aren't experts. It'd be lovely if more of us try to let rural communities make their own decisions and don't talk over them. That includes online posts.

Instead of always looking for new answers, look for older ones as well. There is a reason many traditions have become traditions. As you lose them through modernization you lose generational knowledge. Not a call for bigotry in case that's not clear.

Agriculture is different in each case. Don't try to make one solution fit every case or judge them if they don't. Hating animal agriculture is one thing, but when you want to get rid of it you include indigenous people, poor people, etc. There is a reason these people continue to do it that way and they know better than you why.

If you have the time/opportunity try to help out on a farm for a while, especially during harvest, feel free to do so. It's a great way to learn, get into conversation with farmers and the community (think about all the people you meet on the way, those working in the small shops you might need to go into to grab a snack etc), and make connections.

Look up CSA farms in your area. Community Supported Agriculture. I don't know how it works elsewhere but where I live we come together as a group, pick a farm, and get into an agreement with them to have an exclusive relationship as consumers with that farm. That means we as a community are their sole customers, but we agree to financially back the farm on a yearly basis (or 6 months and so on, each agreement can be different). So we agree on a price and pay that even if there is no produce/products yet. We don't have to pay every single time we get food, can make requests to grow certain cultures or apply certain practices, and can also frequently visit the farm. If the harvest is extra good that year, we don't have to pay more. In return the farmer is financially insured against stuff like a few years of bad harvest or issues with livestock, can get additional funding for expanding their operation etc. It's oversimplified here, and there are varieties so if you like to learn more about the german model you can look for SoLaWi (Solidarische Landwirtschaft). In my case farmers drive their stuff into the city for us on specific days and in locations close to your neighbourhood and hand you a box with what you want.

Don't talk over people in their own field. Don't go into the field with the intentions of a missionairy. You wouldn't try to teach a virologist about Covid. I hope. Even if you have reason to believe that person is wrong about the point they make, don't try to disprove it, that's the job of other people of the field. And they already make sure to disprove what's wrong.

essentially like the point above but If you decide to quote someone from the field don't do it against someone also from that field. Don't direct indigenous quotes at me to discredit my indigenous experiences for example, especially if you aren't indigenous yourself. That's a conversation for us. Also each tribe/scientific field is different (look Point 1).

Look outside the western world and if you have the means to travel pls visit not just the popular tourist sites. The villages/towns can tell you so much more than I can in a post. Try to have a local host you if it's not too difficult for them.

Don't dismiss rural folks as dumb/naive/racist. Doesn't mean bigotry isn't a problem, but try to pick out what they are saying about rural communities and ag in particular, bc they're still locals and still know more about local circumstances. Stay on topic.

Be suspicious about feel-good-uwu-stuff. It doesn't always have to be bad, but if what you're looking at primarily adresses your emotions you wanna be suspicious. Like cute animal videos, anthropomorphism especially, tech that seems to magically solve an issue, that stuff.

But also, even if you feel suspicious about tech/agriculture/etc keep it mind it might help others out. I highly criticized lab grown meat from an ag engineering perspective, but also mentioned it is probably amazing for healthcare. Some gadgets we might call lazy, but they can be incredibly helpful to disabled people and so on. Let's try to keep a door open with the benefits other people in mind

I'll add constantly seek education to this list BUT I don't recommend specific documentaries or books, bc they can be misleading especially if one misses out on pre-info that those forms of media built on. There can be a lot of emotional manipulation, weird framing, and so on and even with factual statements it's easy to frame smth wrong, check out the entire dehydrogenmonoxid=water project a student tried out.

Not to say there isn't good stuff out there, but pls don't get caught in echo chambers. If you have access to academic sources try to use them, even if they're more 'boring'.

TL;DR: don't get polarized, use nuance and talk to a variety of people and leave the job of 'correcting' experts to other experts.

(Also it's a bit hastily put together, so I hope it answers the question, lemme know if not precisely enough!)

[the-writers-bookshelf]

It's Friday and thankfully I remembered before bed.

My wip is unconventional in that the "plot" is just character development. That's all I care about with books and it was all I wanted to write. Brief TW for those who decide to read: this wip deals with a lot of mental health issues, bigotry, and talks about sex and asexuality (there's a more graphic *warning that applies which I will tag before said character's paragraph). While I won't be going into detail I feel y'all deserve to be warned.

The story features three main characters:

Alvere Duval, an autistic gay ace man of colour who was stuck with crappy parents until he hit 19, at which point he ran away with his best friend to bunk with his boyfriend. Alvere's main arch (to put it very simply) is about him learning to love and accept himself despite all the horrific shit his parents and peers said about him. He deals with self-hatred, internalized ableism, homophobia, and acephobia, pretty nasty C-PTSD and anxiety, I could go on but we'd be here all day (this poor man). His secondary arch revolves around his desire to build a shelter for LGBTA+ youths who are homeless or stuck with crappy parents like he was. My favorite thing about writing for him is the confrontation scene he has with his mother near the end of the book. In many ways he was close to her and loved her to death, but his best friend and boyfriend could see how casually dismissive she was towards his ability to form his own opinions and knew she was complacent in the horrible way his father treated him. Part of him knows that too, but he's terrified of losing the idealized version of her he has in his head bc it's one of the only good memories from his childhood. Yes I cry every time I think about it and love projecting onto my own characters why do you ask?

Next up is Jack Felicity, a mute non-binary aroace indigenous person, and Alvere's best friend. Their main arch is about them processing the damage theirs and Alvere's early friendship did to them, as it was extremely co-dependent and drained them of any and all personality they once had. Add ADHD and depression to that mix, and about half way through the book they realize they literally have no idea who they are outside of "Alvere's Friend" and have to rebuild themself with the support of their mom, their new friends, and Alvere himself now that they've started working through their dependency issues. Their secondary arch revolves around them learning that sometimes second chances are worth the risk of betrayal, and that losing a friend is hard but it's not the end of the world, and it doesn't mean they failed. My favorite scene I've written with them is when they reconcile with their mom who, while not nearly as bad as Al's, still made some mistakes in the past. I love it bc she acknowledges that she was wrong and apologizes to Jack for being insensitive in regards to their depression. If only more parents did that.

Lastly we have Carlo, a bi gnc trans man, and Alvere's boyfriend. (*TW for mentioned substance abuse, underage sex work & grooming. "Easy to digest" I said. "For fun" I said. I'll italicize the sentences so you can skip em). Carlo's main arch revolves around him learning to respect people with different boundaries. He was exploited and groomed into sex work at the age of 16 and though he's since escaped his abusers, he never got to process his trauma authentically before he and Al got together. Whereas Carlo's a touchy guy and doesn't really have a concept of personal space (since he wasn't allowed to if he wanted to have enough money to eat), he doesn't really get Al's touch aversion or Jack's trust issues and ends up making an ass of himself on multiple occasions. He always does his best to make up for it though, since he knows damn well how awful it feels to have one's boundaries invaded like that, and knows that just because he doesn't understand them doesn't mean they aren't valid. His secondary arch is about his reliance on substances (cigarettes and alcohol) to numb the pain of his past. With the help of his loved ones and a slap in the face courtesy of his own inebriated behavior, he starts taking steps to recover. My favorite thing about writing for him is how he reacts to Al's asexuality. Despite being hypersexual in the beginning (bc trauma) and still enjoying it as the book goes on, he's very supportive of Al and makes several points of letting him know he never has to give him anything he's not ready for, which culminates in one long chapter of Al getting the mushy gushy date he deserves bc fuck acephobes.

This project started off as individual vignettes to get me back into writing and evolved into a slice of life story about these three growing up and falling in love (platonically and romantically) with each other. There's a lot more to it that I didn't cover bc I don't wanna give everything away, but I have like no one to talk to about this and my first draft is almost done and I'm excited so. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings.

Hi lovely! Your WIP is AMAZING and I love it!! I decided to copy/paste it into a post (and tagged you in it!) so I could put the more sensitive topics under a cut. But PLEASE don't feel like I'm sensoring you because that is not my intention at all! It's just a precaution ♥

Your work is REALLY important! Especially when it comes to asexuality! I'm on the ace spectrum myself and there is absolutely a HUGE need for writing like yours in this world, spreading awareness and making it NORMAL! Thank you so much for your wonderful writing! :)

[luthienne]

Truly feel like I don't even have the strenght in me to keep trying to help or make the world 'better.' It will never happen. I say this as an indigenous latina, so it isn't like I'm a white 'ally' with 'burn out.' I've literally been fighting my whole life. Don't feel like I can keep fighting. Everything is a lost cause. I lose heart I didn't know I have with every piece of news or post I see on Twitter or anywhere else. So much pain.

ay, mi amor, i’m so sorry. please know that as much as you witness cruelty and injustice, as overwhelming as it feels, as pointless as it feels to keep fighting (not just against injustices but for your own right to feel safe, to feel hopeful, to feel valued), you are not alone, you are not fighting alone, and it is not your fight alone. the joy harjo quote from her poem “the naming” comes to my mind: “truth can appear as disaster in a land of things unspoken.”

sometimes it feels like a lost cause. we are constantly assaulted w news about more injustices, more harmful actions. utter lack of accountability. and we wonder how the world can be such a violent place, after everything, after everything. but the truth is, despite everything, the world is full of tenderness and love and humans wanting to fight for what’s right and do better than they’ve done before, to do whatever they can to help even at the risk of getting hurt, of getting caught in the crossfire bc they care so much, bc they’re not willing to let these injustices happen silently.

words feel so powerless sometimes. language feels so insufficient. nothing feels enough. mary oliver can express what i’m trying to say better than i can: 

“meanwhile i know this: evil is one part of our beautiful world. and though my writing pays it small attention, i am not blinkered; i, too, have been forced to stand close to it, and have felt the almost muscular agony of impotence before it, unable to interfere or assuage or do anything effective. though i do—oh yes i do—believe the soul is improvable. oh sweet and defiant hope!”

some days, we just have to say: “i don’t have faith today. i don’t have hope today. i don’t have the strength to fight today. i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, i can’t understand how things will ever change. maybe i’ll have faith again tomorrow. maybe i’ll have hope again tomorrow. maybe i’ll have the strength to fight again tomorrow.” and know that it’s ok. you are a human being and we are not made to endure constant horrors, what feel like never-ending battles on every front. sometimes fighting (especially things like systemic oppression) means taking a step back to take care of yourself.

i am loathe to use a choir metaphor but there’s this thing that we do when there are long lines of music: each singer drops out at different times to take a breath before coming back in, and it’s unnoticeable bc the rest of the choir is still sustaining the music. social justice in communities should be like this. you need to take a breath. we’ll still be here fighting, your community will be here to uplift you and support you and love you. you cannot continue pouring from an empty cup. you have to take care of yourself (if possible, in any way). this fight belongs to everyone. i’m so sorry that it doesn’t always feel like that’s the reality of it.

as a non-indigenous latina who grew up in new mexico alongside my indigenous latinx sisters, i recognize the harm that can come from within even the latinx community. the internalized normalization of systemic oppression, our complicity if we are not actively speaking out and working against it. it is our responsibility to step up and take on the fight in the ways that our privilege allows us. it is our job to confront racism and injustices in our communities, to not be silent, to shoulder the weight. i am here for you and w you in this fight. ♡ 

i have to believe that someday, big change will happen, that every day people are doing things that make the world a little better—and big change begins with the little changes that each of us take on every single day. it begins with people making the choice to become active in their communities, engaging w their communities about issues, looking for the places where they can donate a little bit of money even when they’re out of work, showing up to protests and vigils even in the middle of a pandemic, doing what they can to unlearn and learn and do better, voting for change, holding our elected leaders accountable. understanding that we will fuck up and that accountability is necessary (and that it is our job to hold ourselves accountable, not to expect others to do it for us). hopefully the smaller actions lead to bigger actions, hopefully this accountability carries us further in the fight than we’ve been able to go before. 

i attended a masterclass on stamina the other day--i thought it was going to be about vocal stamina (we were all opera singers), but she chose to also speak about emotional stamina, about resilience. she mentioned a ted talk she had listened to where the speaker talked about how resilient people choose where they focus their attention--is this serving me, or not? what can i change and what can’t i change? am i directing my energy toward a “positive” goal? bc we are wired to direct our attention to negativity, to danger, to threats. it is a survival instinct we all have. (i won’t get started on when we throw trauma into that mix.) she told us that our practice, not our results, is what needs to be consistent.

i personally needed that reminder: to direct my energy toward the act of simply achieving a consistent practice. all too often, my energy goes instead into the (paralyzing) fear that nothing i can do will ever be enough. the pointlessness of my efforts. the self-admonishment that my practice didn’t achieve the results that i wanted. it’s incredibly self-defeating. i don’t know if this is at all helpful for you. it is, of course, a false equivalence to say that trying to get better at singing is the same thing as trying to dismantle systemic oppression. but the reminder hit me on many levels--that everything i do isn’t necessarily going to achieve the results that i want. it’s just important that i show up to do the work.

i was chatting w my bestie @bronzeaxeli, who is an indigenous latina (and all-around amazing human being), when i received your ask. she passed along, “on the futility of fighting against an seemingly insurmountable social construct, i think my best advice is to consider how do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time. it is going to take the entire ant hill to digest this beast. but all of us together working to make the small changes incrementally will there be change. it will take a long time, but these systems weren’t built in a day. and if hope isn’t enough, then do it for the spite. living well is the best revenge. make those who look down on us paranoid, and while they are continually looking over their shoulder, they miss all of us moving forward toward our own goals.”

“You cannot destroy a soul though you may destroy a planet. You cannot destroy a song though you can make people forgetful. A soul can appear to be destroyed, and a song can disappear for a few generations only to reemerge from the heart of a child who turns and becomes a woman.”

Joy Harjo, A Map to the Next World

“To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.” 

Howard Zinn, A Power Governments Cannot Suppress

“No matter, I said lightly, more to myself than anyone. We will make it through this, past the edge of the wound.”

Joy Harjo, A Map to the Next World