#bc in 2 weeks im gonna be complaining about drawing for school

[marblerose-rue]

hellooo everyone!! hope we are doing well <3 currently recovering from being sick but im getting the biggest itch to draw before the next semester starts. tentatively opening wc requests

[dolphin-enthusiast]

my beloved morgy, good evening!! it's been a little bit, no? schoolwork has been running rampant and health issues are racking up, so i have unfortunately been away for a bit, not to mention i'll have to look for work soon due to financial issues,, life is quite hectic now! no matter what though, i always look forward to coming back here, talking to you has become one of my favorite things in the world!! 💕💌💫 (1/9)

"and so much has happened now, hm? with that in mind, please know that what i'm about to say isn't just mere kindness, and that i actually believe it wholeheartedly,, i think you are absolutely stunning!!! of course i got the notification during algebra of all classes,, but oh my goodness darling!!!! i'm so happy you somehow gained enough confidence to do that!! (2/9)

i was paranoid after my initial face reveal, but after getting so many nice responses before, i knew it would go just as smoothly for you 💓 ahhhh i just can't get over it at all, you're so pretty!!! i smiled a lot, and then my professor must've noticed, because he said "abby... abby... ABBY! are you ok?? you're face is so red, do you have a fever???" (3/9)

of course i dismissed it, but then to make matters worse, quinn called me during class about it as you saw already,, i swear, she just loves to torture me hm? 😖😖 but really, you are gorgeous, don't let anyone tell you otherwise, ok?? 💘 oh, and i must thank everyone for being so patient and kind during my absence!! your well wishes mean a lot to me! most people tend to get very frustrated with me, so i'm beyond glad that i can get a break from that type of treatment!! (4/9̶ 10)

it's been very difficult so far trying to balance school and my own health, so i've been extremely occupied as of late,, but when things settle down and i figure things out, i should be more active again! (it's what i hope for! writing you and seeing everyone is one of the things i actually enjoy anyway!!! 🌠) and all of those picrews and that drawing?? lovely as always!! (5/10)

aside from stressful school days and other events, today, quinn and our friend chloe surprised me by showing up to my house after school and whisking me off to this lovely asian market in the city! it was unusually cold, so quinn being the overly protective person they are, forced me to take their coat,, ahhh i felt so bad, the breeze was so chilly!! but sadly, the north really does get cold when the fall starts to hit hehe (6/10)

we took the metro over and messed around in our seats a bit,, it was nice and quiet for once! we ended up having a great time, getting dinner, buying lots of strange snacks, and eating different cakes at this quaint café, it was such a nice break from everything not-so-good that has been happening lately!! ✨ (7/10)

and luckily, i get to actually have a good time this weekend!!! my older brother is coming home to visit! despite college being so busy for him, he told me that he still checks in here at the end of every week haha, i'm surprised he even manages to do that with his workload 😖 he told me we're gonna go and get lunch together, so i'm really excited for that,, i miss him lots! ❤ (8/10)

so much has happened that i can't even keep track of it,, there's so much to talk about, it's crazy! i wish school could lighten up a bit so i could be here more, after all, i do truly enjoy my time here!! but i'm overjoyed that i get to return tonight despite my heavy workload,, it's always a rare pleasure to be able to talk to you dolcezza!!! hopefully i can be back soon by friday or so,, i'll be aiming for it 💗 (9/10

thank you guys for all of the support throughout these chaotic months, i never expected to meet such an amazing person and become so loved by a bunch of people i never met- you've all gone beyond my wildest expectations with how unbelievably kind you are to me! as always thank you, i love you all beyond words 💕 with love from the moon & back, your waifu xoxo 💖💖💖 ps: morgy you really do know how to pull at my heartstrings!! i better see no more of you doubting yourself ever again 😘 (10/10)"

THE LEGEND HAS R E T U R N E T H ONCE MORE 😳🤚✨ honestly darling ur reaction was quite literally priceless and Quinn only made this entire thing better ngl jdhdhwhd i almost cant believe me doing some dumb face reveal caused it either but....i aint complaining at all quite the contrary acc👁️👁️

I'd still insist ur bein way too kind but i'll thank u anyway for za compliments (i can only say the same regarding u dear👁️✨) dbqhshxkaha also a trip to za asian market sounds lit ngl me and the squad always go to this k mart thats on the way to our school and they have banging foods 😩✊

Now i can 100% relate to everything u said esp the school part....im exhausted outta my mind (in fact i deadass fell asleep while on zoom today during class djsbs) bc i still lowkey cant fall asleep in time at night and i have to get up early everyday so its like💀💀💀💀 i mostly catch up on schleep in the afternoon but its still a wack schedule and i barely have time to do other stuff let alone write which bothers me alot ngl....as for urself im glad u got to have some quality time w ur mates and also that ur legend of a bro is finally visiting (za clown army e a a g er l y awaiting his return)

I agree also that things have been movin fast like h e l l its already almost october tf🗿🗿 and i also hope ur fine health wise too bc ik all too well how school and an erratic schedule can throw ur entire body off and worsen ur immune system n all of dat shiz💀

Either way im glad u popped in again (as always my inbox been bombarded with questions regarding ur whereabouts djshdjdk) and may we speak of shows and anime again bc a bitch had finished bsd yesterday and im l i v i n😳😳😳

[feycreature]

Every other multiple of 2 as well as all prime numbers.

u are. mother fucker.

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

coffee mugs. i have so many. 

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

lollipops but i dont eat sweets much to begin with

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

bubblegum

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i prefer to not drink soda

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

somewhere between goth and grunge side note what the fuck is boho

7. earbuds or headphones?

headphones

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

FLOOR HOCKEY. my sophomore year we cut our hockey unit short by a week because the Str8 Boys got mad that they didnt understand hockey and my team kicked ass

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

lunch.

13. lanyard or key ring?

i dont have keys.

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

this is hard bc i dont eat sweets and i dont like chocolate much to begin with. im gonna go with starbursts

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

doc martens but theyre hiking boots

18. ideal weather?

60 degrees, sunny, not windy, maybe a little rainy.

19. sleeping position?

side, mostly

22. role model? 

i try to live a life that would make taliesin jaffe proud

23. strange habits?

oh there are so many but the only one that comes to mind is blowing into cups when i take them out of the cupboard

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

oh fuck i love swimming. but i havent swam in years. and probably wont get to until i get top surgery. so im gonna go with jet skiing because i can actually Do that

29. best way to bond with you?

i was gonna say share music with me but. the real answer is play dnd with me i am not joking

30. places that you find sacred?

other peoples’ homes. thats not my place to Be thats not my place to interfere with i Hate being in other peoples homes. our last two store meetings have been at my managers’ houses and i HATE knowing where my managers live and i HATE that ive been in their houses and sat on their furniture and eaten their food that is Their Space im not their friend i do not belong there

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

any t shirt, ripped black jeans, tall docs with too many buckles, black denim jacket i turned into a vest with safety pins along the shoulders, an assortment of spiky accessories, probably eyeliner

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

my dad forces the o’reily’s jingle into my brain on a daily basis

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea?

arnold palmer babey

41. last person you texted?

u, dork. altho if we’re talking actual phone number texting, then my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

it depends what it is. if its something im definitely using and will be annoyed for sure if i leave in my jacket like my phone or wallet it goes in my pants pockets, if its something im temporarily holding or wont use any time soon like pens/my inhaler/pads/change it goes in my jacket

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

comfort and my actual wardrobe says jean jacket, but my heart and aesthetic say bomber jacket

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

sweatshirt and underwear.

47. favorite type of cheese?

gouda i think

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

learning that one of my coworkers had a crush on one of the clowns from barnum and baileys and stands by it followed immediately by another coworker chiming in with “okay but teenage simba was HOT”

53. what is the current state of your hands?

cold and scabby (my tattoo is still healing)

54. what did you learn from your first job?

dont work in a warehouse. just dont.

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

i can draw, i can sing in front of people, id like to think im a good dm, and im apparently good enough at navigating customer service that in my year and a half at starbucks only ONE customer has ever complained about me and it was over something i said that she misheard

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? 

i was going to say “based on what i say the most itd be okie dokie” but thats a lie by that logic it would actually be “hi! what can we get started for you?”

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

“If I could pull the blood of you from my veins, I would.” -vex, critical role

62. seven characters you relate to?

OOH OKAY THIS WAS A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT ITD BE

weiss schnee (rwby)

rabbit (steam powered giraffe)

wolf (kippo and the age of wonderbeasts)

scorpia (she-ra)

aubrey little (the adventure zone)

beauregard (critical role)

ruby rose (also rwby)

66. favorite flower(s)?

lillies!

67. good luck charms?

a collection of randomly found foreign change in my jacket pocket, a pretty d10 that was accidentally included in one of my dice orders in my Other jacket pocket

70. left or right handed?

so. im right handed. but im naturally left handed. my granny was one of those people who thinks left handed people are the devil so she forced me to use my right hand, so i default to using my left hand but its absolutely useless

71. least favorite pattern?

FUCK PAISLEY.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i know that this Means like mint chocolate or pineapple on pizza or something but. toffee nut and peppermint starb syrups. nobody believes me that its good except the supervisor that got me to try it. its good i swear.

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

about a 6 unless its a prescription. if i can stand im gonna suck it up

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

im rly paranoid about foodborne illness so i Have to go with gas station coffee even tho im a little bit of a coffee snob

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

jokes on u i dont have either!

82. pc or console?

pc is this even a question

83. writing or drawing?

drawing

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

89. who would you put before everyone else?

buster.

90. luckiest mistake?

the other day i made a drink wrong and more complicated that it needed to be and the moment i realized my mistake someone came through the drive thru and ordered the EXACT drink i had just made by mistake 

94. favorite season?

fall, hands down

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

exactly one and its mine

98. favorite historical era?

romantic.

[uniformbravo]

uhh first day of school post

it was fucken hot

seriously why did it have to be 110 degrees right on the week when i start having to go outside again bye

every semester the first thing i say is “i’m never taking an 8 am class ever again”

the second thing i say is “i’m never taking a class on the third floor ever again”

this semester, somehow, through a cruel twist of fate, i have ended up failing both resolutions with two classes each (two classes are at 8 am; two classes are on the third floor; one of them is at 8 am on the third floor)

((i only have 3 classes, there is overlap in the above description))

painting class was cool the teacher was cool i have to pick between oils & acrylics by next tuesday & i have no idea what i want to do

it was super awkward the whole time bc i sat next to this girl & then a couple other girls came in and sat on the other side of me and it was very clear they all knew each other and i could tell the first girl wished she was sitting w/ them but i was too nervous to offer to switch bc there was never a time that felt right so i just spent the whole class feeling like i was in the way so that wasn’t very.... fun

second class was intermediate drawing & ok

this guy is fairly new to teaching, says he graduated calarts a few years ago, and he seems nice & everything but i got the distinct impression that he doesn’t really know how to run a class

which is totally fair since he’s so new to it

but our first assignment is to “revisit” the final from the last art class we took & basically do it again???

not like a literal recreation of exactly what we did last time, he said he wanted us to like do it differently? have more fun with it?? add our own interests into it??? make it represent ourselves????

the more i think about this the more questions marks happen

he did not explain it well

he said he wants to use this to kind of gauge where everyone is at in terms of skill level, but couldn’t he just have done that by having us....... actually...... you know......... bring in our finals from the previous classes........................ instead of having us redo it....................................

this is literally the final project we’re talking about, the big thing that’s due at the end of the semester, the thing we were each given weeks to work on, and when does he want this in by? 

wednesday

as in 2 days from now

wednesday

and we were all like “uhhhh can we have some time to work on it in class”

and the thing is, he didn’t even have a set due date, he’s treating this class like a democracy so whenever we were like “so wait when do you want this by” he’d be like “idk what do you guys think?” like i dont know dude!!! you’re supposed to have this shit figured out, we don’t know the scope of the assignment we don’t know the amount of work that should go into it, we don’t know how long it’s going to take, that’s supposed to be on you!! what the hell,

the whole thing was very

unclear

we were all trying to figure out what the fuck he wanted from us and as soon as it started turning into “yeah just bring it in by wednesday” we were all like panicking like “you want a finished recreation of our last class’ final project in two days” so we managed to amend it so we’d have the first half of wednesday’s class to work on it but still jesus??? the whole thing ended with him saying “just bring in a drawing on wednesday, does that sound good?” uh no not really 

u want to gauge our skill level but ur only giving us 2 days to show it

buddy ur getting a pencil sketch of an idea that could be cool if i had more time to like refine it n shit

also just because i want to reiterate: if u wanted to see our current skill level why didnt u just have us bring in some of our previous works

like what the fuck

what

aaanyway despite all my complaining i think this could be an.... interesting class??? this is for intermediate drawing by the way, which is the class that i was like “boy i hope this is more interesting than beginning drawing” and hoooo

he said he wants to focus heavily on “conceptual art”, u know, art that has meaning n shit, he explained it as having something to say about the world or something like that, which is. cool i guess. the main thing i kinda latched onto was when he said he wanted to make the class enjoyable for everyone and have us doing drawings we’re interested in, so if the class can follow through on that promise then i’ll be good to go but if he pulls a “every drawing has to have some deep meaning and commentary on the world around us” then i will be. unhappy

i dont even know if he actually does drawings?? i mean he’s from calarts so obviously he has to have done art for that but like when someone asked if he’s gonna show us some of his work he was basically like “um yeah, but i don’t really have a lot, im more into exploring ideas for art than actually making it” and he said he’s into performance art so it’s like. that’s really cool & im happy for you but just curious why are you teaching a drawing class then. like a legitimate actual question tho, how does this class relate to what you do and how u gonna teach us if ur not putting these things into practice yourself

i realize im being kinda harsh because i only spent maybe a little over an hour in this class today so this is really just first impressions talk, like. i could be hugely underestimating him, maybe he is a fantastic teacher and i’ll have a lot of fun with this class??

but even as i type that im remembering other things he said, like how the assignments aren’t gonna be like in other classes where you’re told specifically what to draw or like how the lecture portions are gonna be like a seminar where we discuss art-related topics

it’s just super unconventional and it seems really experimental on his part like he really doesn’t know what he’s doing (which, again, understandable since he’s new and all) so it’ll probably just end up being the weirdest art class i’ve ever taken

and a couple years ago i’d probably have really really hated it just based on the lack of guidance alone, i could see a genuine complaint of this class being “it doesn’t feel like the next step after all the technical work and learning we did in beginning drawing”

but at this point im really intrigued and willing to give it the benefit of the doubt, and i’d rather treat it like an experience than a poorly structured class

and maybe that’s easier for someone in my situation to do since i didn’t really care all that much about this class in the first place so i didn’t have any expectations for it to meet anyway

im literally just taking it to fill my requirements so if it turns out to be an interesting experience then all the better, as long as i can pass

Side Note About The Grading, By The Way

the syllabus has a grading system listed

an A is described as “outstanding work, which exceeds guidelines of assignments, shows technical prowess, creativity, expression, intelligence and personal growth”

a B is “high quality work which meets the guidelines of the assignment”

like is it just me or shouldn’t the latter description be just fine to receive an A??? u did what u were supposed to and it was “high quality” like that is. the definition of an A assignment, the first description should be for an A+ like legitimately is this just me or

and then for a D it’s like “poor quality, little effort or understanding of the assignment” the “understanding” part is throwin me off like if the student didn’t understand the assignment then maybe u should explain it better for them?? i can see poor quality and low effort being good reasons for a low grade but not understanding seems a little unfair

im just getting into specifics now tho

i think im done talking abt this class now

hoo boy

an interesting first day to say the least

[iridescent-ren]

Tag games~

I have a lot to catch up on so i’m gonna just do a bunch and you guys can do whatever you feel like :D HALF OF THESE HAVE BEEN LEFT FOR LIKE A YEAR IM SORRY

Basically if u tagged me in one of these u can do any of the others, and anyone can do anything :’D Thankyou so much for tagging me aaaaa

10/10! Tagged by @naluloverforever thankyou!!! 

Rules: List ten of your favorite characters from ten different fandoms and tag ten others.

Kuro - Servamp Juvia - Fairy tail Kageyama - Haikyuu!! Nishimiya - Koe no katachi 707 - Mystic Messenger Natsukage - 1bitheart Tokaku - Akuma no riddle Jisoo - Blackpink Tzuyu - Twice Bungou stray dogs - Dazai

Music playlist tag! Tagged by @mizu-sakuya-ocd Thankyou so much!! I’m sorry its beens years :’D

Rules: Put your playlist on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that play, then tag ten mutuals

1. Set it off - plastic promises  2. Twice - headphones 3. Bts - Boy in luv 4. Twice - Cheer up 5. Blackpink - Whistle 6. Set it off - wolf in sheeps clothing 7. Twice - Signal 8. 3OH!3 - Don’t trust me 9. Icon for hire - You can’t kill us 10. Hollywood undead - Believe

A-Z Tag game!! Tagged by @memekoe and @catslab thankyou!!!! :D

A - Age: 14 B - Biggest fear(s): probably inconveniencing people i love C - Current time: 6.40pm o: D - Drink you last had: i think it was coke :,) E - Everyday starts with: Me waking up and checking skype :,) F - Favourite song: Stay by twice !! G - Ghosts, are they real?: I’d like to think so H - Hometown: Ryde! I - In love with: my gf jedjkdke eeee J - Jealous of: Everyone p much K - Killed someone: not irl XD  L - Last time you cried: pretty recently bc of test stress actually M - Middle name: Alexandria N - Number of sibling(s): 1 brother and 2 step brothers o: O - One wish: I want to be good looking i guess P - Person I last called/texted: My mum Q - Questions you’re always asked: ISNT IT TOO HOT TO BE WEARING THAT??? NO FUCK YOU I WEAR WHAT I WANT ITS COMFY R - Reason to smile: My friends! <3 S - Song last sang: I cant sing XD T - Time you woke up: 6am U - Underwear colour: grey???? V - Vacation destination: BRISBANE SO I CAN MEET MAHI :DD W - Worst habit: complains abt being tired too much X - X-rays you had: dont remember o: Y - Your favorite food: Subway probably lol or nuggets

Z - Zodiac: Pisces!

20/20 Tag game! Tagged by @lawlicht4eva aAAA THANK UUUU <33

Name: Astra!

Nicknames: Satan

Zodiac sign: Pisces

Height: dont know :,) tall

Orientation: GAYYYYYYY

Nationality: Australian

Favourite Fruit: mangos o:

Favourite season: spring :D

Favourite Book: UH DOES FANFIC COUNT : , D 

Favourite flower: ?????

Favourite scent: instant noodles

Favourite Colour: blue o:

Favourite Animal: Snakess

Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate: hot chocolate o:

Average amount of sleep: 5 or so hours o:

Cat or dog: uh both :,)

Favourite Fictional Character: Kuro :, )

Number of blankets you sleep with: 1 

Dream trip: MY BED

Blog created:2015 sometime :,)

Number of followers: can’t remembe

Bold what applied to you! Tagged by @nukanell thank u nelelel 

APPEARANCE:I am 5′7″ or taller

I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo I have at least one piercing. I have blonde hair I have brown eyes I have short hair My abs are at least somewhat defined I have or have had braces There is something I would change about the way I look PERSONALITY:My Hogwarts house is: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin I am an introvert I like meeting new people People tell me that I’m funny Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me I enjoy physical challenges I enjoy mental challenges I’m playfully rude with people I know well I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it There is something I would change about my personality ABILITY:I can sing I can play an instrument I can do over 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory I’m good at doing math in my head I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I know how to throw a proper punch HOBBIES:I enjoy playing sports I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else I have learned a new song in the past week I work out at least once a week I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months I have drawn something in the past month I enjoy writing Fandoms are my #1 passion I do or have done martial arts EXPERIENCES:I have had my first kiss I have had alcohol I have scored the winning goal in a sports game I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting I have been at an overnight event I have been in a taxi I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day I have visited another country I have been to one of my favourite band’s concerts RELATIONSHIP:I’m in a relationship I have a celebrity crush I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have never been in a relationship I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush on someone for over a year I have been in a relationship for at least a year I have had feelings for a friend MY LIFE:I have at least one person I consider a “best friend” I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the United States There is snow right now where I live I have hung out with a friend outside of school in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CDs I share my room with someone RANDOM SHIT:I have breakdanced I know a person named Jamie I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair I’m listening to one song on repeat right now I have punched someone in the past week I know someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today I know what I want to do with my life I speak at least 2 languages fluently I have made a new friend in the past year

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind