#bc im emotionally exhuasted

[fyrewalks]

sending smooches to the dash! i'll be low activity thru the weekend, doing a staycation with my friend and the kiddo!!

[liinos]

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[pekklewife]

ughxbdbhks

[gwisingegooli]

it’s always kinda funny trying to figure out why things ended up the way they did, in terms of all the small decisions and where the mistakes where made

yesterday i was way too fucking tired to hang out w the de anza degens and watch the league of legends world finals. i pretty much took us home from aquis and i passed the fuck out.

and later michael said he kinda wished he couldve hung with them, and later when i woke up i felt the same. but even while sleeping i told michael not to wake me during the world finals and i just peaced the fuck out.

so reflecting on it — i definitely should not have stayed up drinking til like 3 the day before yesterday, when i had to wake up for my rideshare by like 9. especially when the day before i had stayed up smoking and cleaning my room til 5, and then i woke up at like 12. and when the day before that i had stayed up til 5 drinking, and then i woke up for my 8 am, and didnt really have time to nap properly after.

so yeah, a landslide of bad sleeping decisions. but especially the night before, i shouldve turned in early so my body wasnt so done w me.

my rideshare was also fucking awful. my driver was a pushover, and so am i a little bit. and the other guy in the rideshare loved to take advantage of that! he was seedy and shady and i hated him so much for manipulating us because we were nice. he made our rideshare take us to wholefoods, to ross, etc like get his chores done bc we thought it was nbd. i would say i dont want to, or we shouldnt, but i wasnt firm enogh and i ended up getting totally steamrolled over. im never going to let myself get taken advantage of ever again.

michael was super steamed bc i ended up making him wait too, bc i came later than i thought since we were doing this guys fucking chores. i told him i tried to say something but then he texted me — “well you should say fuck no” “you fucking idiot” in separate texts and i thought he called me a fucking idiot. he texted right after “him being the fucking idiot” but i didnt see that because i had put my phone down after the text before trying not to cry.

it literally destroyed me and made me so sad and when he came to pick me up he was super angry, not at me at all, but at what happened. he was frustrated for sure but i thought he had called me that, and it had scared me because i thought it was super unfair and mean and uncharacteristic. it’s crazy that i thought he would even say that to me because he never would??? i think i was super insecure and projecting how i felt about myself, and i still felt it was within the realm of possibility he would say that to me so i couldnt even look at him.

i was quiet on the ride back, and he started talking to me and asking what happened, and i started crying trying to explain. and he said he understood but as the conversation went on he said he didnt understand why i hadnt apologized yet for making him wait. and i said i apologized over text, and im sorry for making him wait. but he said my apology didnt sound genuine. he said he wasnt trying to be difficult, especially on our first meeting. the situation must’ve been very confusing for him because i was reacting to a misunderstanding that we hadn’t know had happened yet.

i told him i didnt know what to do about that, if i am apologizing genuinely. i told him im just trying to understand what happened because it was kind of traumatizing to be taken advantage of like that and then in hindsight realize how you were manipulated, and then come see your boyfriend super angry because i wasnt able to take control of a situation and he has to be part of it all and how scary that was. and he asked me, confused, why i was scared? and i told him i was so tired and hungry and scared and sad and confused and i didnt want to have to do all of this. and he said thats ok, we can drop it.

later i said im sorry for being a pussy. and even though it makes it so that im not looking at myself, im sorry that guy was such a dick that you felt the radius of his awfulness. he laughed and said that felt apology felt more genuine. and he said he was just happy to see me.

when i got home i checked my texts and then i said “oh...” and explained how i had thought he called me a fucking idiot and he dropped everything and came to hug me and apologize and said he would never say that to me and like went hardcore on saying sorry. i was just happy everything was cleared up and i told him not to do that in texts ever again >:( and he was like ofc ;_;

so now after being physically exhuasted i had to go through an emotionally draining experience over a bad text. i bet if i wasn’t so exhuasted i wouldve been able to figure out how to sort things better, and realized why i was so upset.

then i always couldve powered through being so exhuasted but at aqui’s like. justin was so fucking annoying. like listening to justin talk, even when i am fully rested, destroys my social stamina. he makes me want to be rude and ignore him and give one word responses because otherwise i will go crazy. and then if u seem tired he’s like “are you okay?” and its like yes, but no because of you. please stop being annoying.

even looking at will is pretty triggering now because my perception of him has been realigned w how he really is bc of a few recent mishaps. i could go into them in detail but basically he’s just a little kid who has a lot of growing up to do, isnt good at listening, being open minded, planning things.... i had to dd because he fucked up planning on the way there. he told his friends to come and then we ended up heading out when they were supposed to come!! like yes, george shouldve checked his phone for the change in plans but also. stop sending conflicting plans last minute. >:( i am the most tired one here. and then no one else offered to drive because it was all last minute. like i am back for the first time and y’all aint even gonna warmly greet me and take care of me???????? just kidding but also not kidding LOL

so the table seating at aqui’s was fucking awful. daniel was way on the edge when he should be sitting near me and michael cause he’s the only other cool person. alvin was fine but i was like zzz because justin was in the center. justin does like one on one conversations “well” (by this i mean he can keep a conversation going for forever and not in a good way) so he should be on the side. will was playing a fucking phone game so he shouldve been on the side. alvin ended up being on his phone too.

daniel tried to engage but the tables are too far and he could only make like funny eye contact w us every once in a while and i was like TT

so i slowly phased in and out of consciousness and then by the end of the trip i was like. michael. i need to go and die in peace rn.

and thats why i missed worlds. its a lot of situational things but thats why you gotta make sure you aren’t HALT (hungry angry lonely tired) so you can evaluate your situations and fix shit up and be actually alive to take on the world.

[notaprehistoricbird]

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[monalisamarie]

for those of you keeping tabs (esp last night), i talked myself down a spiral because i was terrified about a connection i have w someone, i love them and think its so cool that were so closely connected but its a lot TM, and i know they felt this at times too. Idk sometimes i just wish id have normal feelings about it. like any of my other friends, its emotionally exhuasting (for me) to try and understand everything for myself and perpetuate those kind of enormous thoughts and feelings within myself, esp when I know i wont be seeing them for a while. idk fam. It just got to be alot in the moment and i internalized it and thought it wasnt a good thing to be feeling. (which it kind of is, but I didn't have an understanding of it.)

IDK dude, why cant it just be a non issue for me? like why do i have NO internal chill about stuff. Im such a fucking emotional person as it is, and to have my emotional output at internal 10,000 is insane. idk yall idk. 

but I’m good i suppose/

one thing that is a valid reason for panic, is my upcoming NY trip. I went alone last time and had fun but im terrified this time around. I dont know why, to be quite honest, maybe because I’m weird about first impressions and wasnt 100% miss perfect model student, maybe its bc I’m worried that because I’m going a second time, im lame or smth? WHICH I KNOW IS A CROCK OF SHIT SO... but like theres this girl whos been doing it for 8 years and no one seems to like her. also i had a mini panic attack and was awkward AS FUCK for the last few days bc i had to choreograph for the company director and hes fucking scary and my overachiving ass didnt finish the second choreo assignment w their secondary resident choreographer. so......I also was a mess that day bc i was worried i was acutally going to be sleeping on the streets for a night and wasnt sure i was going home the next day soo. And im worried i’ll wake up late and miss class one day which wuld be the end of everything bc in total i paid like almost 2,000 out of pocket for this experience. 

and i didnt expect to go alone this time, and yeah unfortunately that is the case but like cookies crumble my fam its nbd.so i suppose thats still wigging me out, idk why tho. i’ll be fine. 

I just need to assure myself that I’m going to do something I genuinely enjoy and have been SORELY missing these past few months, I’m going to try my best and ultimately have fun. A lot of these people go repeatedly to eventually be hired by the company and that’s not my gig yet so, there is certainly less pressure. 

And I know what to expect this time so i’ll be more prepared too/ 

TLDR; SARA LIKES TO PLAY EMOTIONAL CHICKEN WITH HERSELF AND APOLOGIZES FOR THE SHENANIGANS; ALSO IS TERRIFIED BUT WORKING ON BEING BETTER TO HERSELF.