#bc if i get something just for aesthetic reasons i’d inevitably change my mind later on and end up hating it

[invisiblecities1972]

i want a hip tattoo so bad that would be so cute

[jjinomu]

in regard to tda edits and future plans

soz for another text post i had a long day n ive been thinking about things a while back i stated that after i do a gakupo edit, then i'll cease shitting out tda edits and i feel like!!??? i might need to explain why a lil bit (dw i changed my decision to end my tda streak but i'll address that later) 

keep in mind im not trying to shade people or be a dick about things, it's just a dump of my thoughts and reasons in case ppl were like ???? 

also long post because its my 12am thoughts again and u know how i am, i like to ramble about really weird shit at 12am 

edit: in case u don’t actually give a shit about anything that i’m about to start rambling on, i stated at the bottom that the wedding apocalypse is back on again so i’ll reply to everything tomorrow hehe (and i’ll still do tda edits, but they’re no longer my main priority anymore)

i listed it because only assholes list their reasons for being assholes and I'm an asshole for being like this

1. i have too many tda edits obviously gotta poke around other areas and by areas i mean my own scratch stuff

 2. ive grown a lot more sensitive over my tda edits as of recently as well (including my old crap) which isn't something i do very often (I'm also not even 100% sure y I'm like this suddenly it’s like IAB all over again except I'm not an ignorant, flaming, hyper-agitated 12 year old anymore)- probably a side effect of mass rule-breakage and then people giving me the "i dont understand your rules so i edited and unlocked them anyway without asking you to reiterate bc that seems totally logical in my tiny brain." that shit gets to you 

 3. main and probably the most realist reason why i reached the decision ive made: (this is gna be kinda sad-sounding almost but wateva just tda edits yo) 

as people may have realised (especially if you've stuck around since probably the beginning of this blog) i've spent a few years developing my own style of tda, that still remains recognisable as tda but is still personalised enough for my own tasting and aesthetics, whether people enjoy my own stylistic preferences is up to them (as a lot of you do and i totally and utterly appreciate that)

 nowadays with my flunctuating rules and the fact that some of my old models were editable or some models i've given people permission to edit OOC or whatever, i sometimes see an odd face edit of mine or my stylisation of Tda hair or my textures or whatever appearing on models and i don't actually mind or it doesn't concern me in the way ur probably thinking (like im not fuming mad or overly depressed about it) especially since i often take it as a compliment because people just like my style and adopt it and i think that's super sweet- but basically, in simple terms, i, especially as of recent, feel like i've lost that satisfaction of those years of me developing, experimenting and perfecting this tda style, my own personal aesthetic style for myself, to others- yknow wat i mean???? 

i guess in even more basic fundamental terms, i don't feel "original" enough anymore and my style and the hardwork i put into said gross style has vaporised and i can't continue doing these edits as much as i'd like to???? because i almost feel like it's been "stolen" i guess (harsh word but it's kinda like that in a sense). 

i don't mean that to sound so cruel and full asshole, because it all boils down to literally my own fault for being loose at first and then being super sensitive later on (hah weird euphemism) and as a result, i've kinda "lost" my "mojo" 

i mean i can still do tda edits but sometimes they no longer feel like they're mine or a total waste of my time- because heck anyone could take my face edits and make their own tda edits- and i sort of lose my motivation due to that dilemma (especially for the past few weeks, the only reason i was shitting so many tda edits was because i just had no internet- but it’s taken me longer to do (not even complete) the tda edits i currently have showcased than i usually do bc i just feel so......... yknow.......) as i don’t want to do something someone else has done (hence was the drive for me to do my own tda style in the first place, a mainstream model style with a unique aesthetic that’s different so i don’t match the other 1829310283 tda mikus or kaitos or meikos and i’m still free to do whatever i feel like doing without that strong kind of guilt- in a way)- but like i said, when someone does something i haven’t done..... especially if they do it in my style- then it becomes some weird existentialist crap like “who am i even”

idk what im saying but basically because of these three points- i decided to stop tda edits after gakupo (a while ago) but DW now i've changed my mind and i'll still do tda edits here and there, especially for more difficult vocaloid designs (as i love doing clothes)- but they'll no longer be my main priority (i.e. if you want to suggest a tda edit i'll more likely not do it, but if you suggest a scratch model- i'll more likely will) especially with uni on top of everything, i'll be more heavily focus on my scratch models and developing my own scratch style- from well scratch- rather than stay looped up in my tda issue and trying to figure out how to constantly change and improve my style so it remains different and unique (and still falling into my own aesthetic), i hope this decision is an ok compromise rather than just abandoning my tda edits entirely (i mean i love my shitty tda edits, they’re fun and quick to do and i feel super accomplished when i finish one in record speed and i like that feeling hehe)

i sincerely hope this doesn't offend anyone (and if it does- i'm really and truly sorry, i don’t mean to- this is just a thought dump and i doubt people are going to read it but i just need it outta my SYSTEM- just keep in mind it's nobody's fault but my own as this is just a me issue that i no longer know how to solve or?? i guess care about solving?? and i appreciate and still enjoy everything- be it people using my models or editing them in my style (alas i'll burn you at the stake if you credit incorrectly though)) but i wrote this up in case anyone really wanted to know my thoughts on situations and i guess- the inevitable downfall of jjinomu lbr- here it is laid out flat in my slightly incoherent, hazy state of truth and drowning sadness

in better news though the wedding apocalypse can finally be returned as of TODAY so i'll reply to everything tomorrow when i'm not exhausted and going though some weird existential crisis