#bc idk what I'd find and I don't wanna be sad about a lack of stuff I want to read

[themostuselesspotato]

I was a very sheltered kid and didn't get to consume fandom content until a few years ago, and most of the fandoms I'm in have been over for years before I watched the content. It's really weird to experience a show in real time?? Like usually I binge something and then go and obsess over fandom content for the next month (or several), but now I have to wait for said fandom content to be made?? I wanna read fanfic about the tbb finale but I also need to give creators time to write it lol 😅

I'm just so not used to being in fandoms that are still updating/just ended that it feels weird to me ig

[justtogetthrough]

I truly don't get people who go quiet when they're in a depression episode or whatever. Like, if someone asks me how I'm doing or what I did today I'd be like oh my god, social connection, a chance to get this all out of my head and feel a modicum of love in return, let me tell you aaaaalll about it bc I don't wanna dump it on ppl when I think I need to but if you're asking it's obv a good time for it so yes I will tell you what's on my heart and mind. Thank you so much for offering me this chance to be open about my suffering.

But

Other people just... open my messages with those checking-in questions and then leave them on read and I'm sad bc I do truly wanna know and I'm sad bc I don't know how to help other than show interest and offer oortunity to talk if they want to.

For me, being chronically lonely and forced into silence when all I long for is to get support from people, I cannot comprehend having the chance to receive that support and not taking it. Choosing to not answer and let the text convo move on in an hour when I find something new to bring up that isn't about their personal experience and brings us back to a neutral or superficial topic to at least elicit responses from them, receive that engagement.

How are they not bursting, waiting, for the chance to share what's wrong and receive love and support in return?

Am I weird for how desperately intensely I long for those things due to chronic childhood neglect and repeated abandonment from people and institutions who were supposed to help me? I want someone to care about how I'm doing so bad I always answer ppl's how are you questions. Appropriate to the time and place of course, and level of relationship. But I have close friends who don't feel compelled to be heard and understood at any possible chance it appears. What has their life been like that leads them to not answer. Is it lack of trust? Am I bad at providing what they need? Idk man. It means everything to me when friends are there for me and they ask and I respond and when I love these friends as much as I do, i want to offer that back to them. I don't understand why they don't want that when from my point of view it is the most life affirming interaction someone could do. I don't know what I'm supposed to do instead to cheer someone up or help them feel loved or supported or even at minimum brighten their day. This unknowing social schemas for stuff like this, not understanding social things, or situations that don't play out as I plan internal, these are significant reasons why I think I could be on the spectrum bc I really struggle with not understanding what people do or don't want from me. I know what I would want for them, but there's this break down of theory of mind I guess and I just... social norms don't make sense to me and don't come naturally but I try my best and I follow scripts bc in reality I have no idea what I should be doing. All I want is for my friends to feel loved and supported. Idk where exactly the disconnect happens and it drives me nuts. I wish I understood social interactions and relationships more bc sometimes I just really wanna be that person who can make others feel better.

But I just don't get how, I don't think I was born a fully formed human being so I didn't come stocked with that skill and I've yet to find a manual. So.

Instead I get extremely high on zopiclone mixed with other sedatives and write about it on tumblr dot com in case writing and thought organizing reveals any new insight.

So far it hasn't.

I feel like even my thoughts are slurring right now.

I just want to love people in a way that feels warm and safe and comfy for them and I'm afraid I don't know how to love people in those ways and I'm afraid I am missing key knowledge normal people have that makes this more successful for them idk

It's really hard for me consistently and I'm just

Tired

Frustrated

Defeated

I want to love you. I don't know how to do it properly or in the way that you want.