#bc i thought scar baring his scars for her to see warranted her doing the same

[lunaetis]

▸▸ [ @minban ( scar ) || starter call. ]

─「エデン」─  the usually gloved digits were bare when they traced along the line of his scarred face, over the striking streak cascading through the piercing crimson hue of his right eye. the SCARS that made his namesake, now admired so ardently in close proximity which made her own heart jump a little. private, behind closed doors, their bare bodies pressed to one another, skin littered with marks of ownership. calloused fingers took hold of his, slowly guided it down the line of her throat, letting him trace the GOLDEN MARKS branching from the auric crack in the middle of her chest like roots from a tree, akin to lightning scar. she placed his clawed hand there, right upon the mark of stellaron that hummed slightly louder when came in contact to his frequency. was it calling ? beckoning ?

                " what do you hear ? " the cancer of all worlds locked underneath a living vessel. it pulsed strongly, the golden glow becoming brighter as though tempting for him to RIP IT OUT of its confine. to take the heart that allowed this CONTAINER to breathe and live like she was now. " is it calling for you ? " there was a hint of possessiveness laced in her voice. so subtle. almost unnoticeable. he's hers, hers, hers, not even the stellaron can have him.

[jungnoir]

today, i smile;

shin hoseok | what nobody told him about being in love is that it can’t just go away, and sometimes, it never really leaves in the first place. a continuation of hate me now. | 3.9k words. | angst, eventual happiness. based off ��I smile” by day6.

a/n: originally, I wasn’t planning on continuing this little drabble, but I decided after a little day6 marathon (and a completely free weekend!) that this was warranted. also shout out to @wonhopes bc she mentioned wanting to write a sequel for hate me now just as i was writing the sequel. for hate me now. hehehe :)

Usually, people aren’t supposed to wake up to nightmares, rather from them, but Hoseok had somehow been the exception today.

The sun wasn’t falling from the sky, the government wasn’t being overthrown, and as far as he could fathom in his groggy mind, he wasn’t dead and in hell. In fact, Hoseok woke to a gentle sunrise and a warm bed, nothing out of place as it had been for the last year. He still had two eyes, two ears, and a mouth, and he felt pretty healthy to say the least. Yet, in the way that we all do when something has been going right a little too long, there’s a feeling of inexplainable dread hanging over his head the moment his eyes open that autumn morning. It’s only when he grabs his phone to check what had happened while he slept that he realized just why.

(1) Unread Message(s)

received: 8:22 a.m., september 4th, 2017 

(y/n): are you free?

Hoseok thinks his mind is playing tricks on him when that’s the first notification he sees on his lockscreen, the background ironically displaying a neon sign that reads “say goodbye to the past”.

He slides the notification to the right and his a feeling of nausea starts to settle in his chest when he realizes that his mind isn’t playing tricks on him, that in fact before that very question you’d sent, there were still the remains of your messages to each other before that fateful day a year ago. The ones he hadn’t had the heart to delete. 

He quickly checks the time once he makes himself sit up in bed, his sheet falling and exposing his bare chest to the cool air of his room. He feels a shiver run down his spine (and he can’t even say it’s due to the temperature) when he realizes it’s only been ten minutes since you’d sent that. His mind can only focus on the fact that ten minutes ago, you’d promptly risen for what he had hoped was a restful sleep, grabbed your phone and willingly texted him first thing. And of all things… asking for his time.

Hoseok’s mind practically short circuits trying to think of what to say, the very simple responses “yes” or “no” being lost on him just at the mention of your name. what could he really say? Would it even be enough? What exactly were you asking for, anyway?

hoseok: today? I should be. why?

He waits with baited breath, a feeling of uneasiness filling his stomach as he watches and blanks on what to say or think. There you are, on the other side of the phone, and he thinks for one horrid second that you might have accidentally texted him and that you’d only come into his life for just a few moments, only to leave him disoriented and in his feelings for the rest of the day. It had to be an accident, it had to be.

(y/n): good! I wanna get coffee with you, at that place on peach street? it’s cool if you don’t wanna but I’m free this morning and we should catch up

Was he missing something? Maybe he’d slept his way into an alternate universe where you’d broken his heart and not the other way around, or maybe a universe where you were just distant friends and hadn’t seen each other in a few weeks. He couldn’t come up with any logical reason the girl he’d broken the heart of would want to catch up with him, why she would feel she should catch up with him. You were always funny like that. He just couldn’t find it in him to laugh.

hoseok: when should I come?

(y/n): now, if you’re good. I work nearby it now so I thought it’d be a good place to meet up

hoseok: i’ll see you in 15

(y/n): drive safe!

He stares a little too long at your last message, chalking it up to your kind nature and nothing more, and even as he feels like he can taste last night’s dinner in his mouth at the thought of seeing you again after so long trying to be okay without you, he has to face the music because he’d already sealed his fate. He could handle a measly coffee date, that’s all you asked for. He owed you that much.

He’s been sitting in the window booth for a total of four minutes before he starts to feel nervous again.

He’d carefully checked the cafe the moment he had entered, in the darkest, simplest clothes he could find because he didn’t dare wish to stand out more than he had to today. When he had found you nowhere, he had taken a seat near the windows, where a clear view of the busy street outside allowed him a chance to focus on anything but what was coming for him. He spent his time counting people, counting pets, counting smiles, counting anything that moved to occupy himself. 

He felt dumb sitting there alone, tugging the sleeves of his black turtleneck over his large hands every time the door to the cafe swung open and you didn’t walk in after. He could hear your soft voice scolding him in his head (”Don’t pull your sleeves like that! It’ll stretch!”) but he couldn’t stop. Maybe if he waited a little longer for you, he’d disappear into that turtleneck completely.

For a moment, Hoseok contemplated sending a follow up text to you just in case you couldn’t make it after all, or maybe in case you’d forgotten altogether? But he hadn’t had a conversation with you in over a year until that very morning, and he didn’t want to make any sudden moves in fear of fucking everything up before it had a chance to be. He didn’t know what he might say that could make or break this opportunity, but he wasn’t taking any chances.

He’s just about to pull the neck of his sweater over his mouth and nose when the door swings open, and this time, his heart stutters in his chest when his expected disappointment turns into surprise.

You walk in, and it’s like a movie or something the way you look around for him, shining like a ray of sunlight or something more magnificent. Your cream coat isn’t buttoned up, billowing in the breeze of warm air that hits you the minute you enter the cafe, and he realizes with a frown that not one thing you’re wearing he’s seen before. From your sweater to your jeans to your boots, you’ve completely changed, and he recognizes nothing about you. Even your haircut is different, clean and neat and fitting for someone like you. You look so much better than you did when you were with him, and he’s glad. You look happier, freer.

The minute you see him, your mouth turns into a smile that surprises Hoseok into smiling back, and he bangs his hand on the bottom of the table in an effort to wave to you. He ignores the stinging despite the harsh lip bite he gives himself as you walk over, your voice soft and even the way you speak is lighter, “Hoseok! You look well!”

Hoseok finds it in him to finally pull his sleeves back to his wrists and raises his head to look at you, “You look beautiful.”

The words flow out of him against his will, and while your eyes flash with something that’s nowhere near happy, you quickly regain your composure and laugh it off, and Hoseok relishes in the sound even though he knows it’s fake, “Thanks, I guess.”

He remembered a time when your response was different.

“So, how are things?” You start, working your coat off your shoulders and setting your bag to the right of you. 

Hoseok wracks his brain for an answer, something that wouldn’t sound pathetic or boring or too pleasant, “Oh, well… I haven’t changed much. I’ve been visiting family a lot lately. I recently got a promotion at work, and I’ve got a cat now.”

Your eyebrow raises at this and you chuckle, “A cat? What’s the name?” “Rin. He’s a cuddler and I have the scars to prove it.” At this, Hoseok raises his arm and pulls down his sleeve to reveal white cuts along his skin, all very clearly due to the claws of an enraged cat. The sight makes you shake your head.

“That’s why I told you we should have gotten a dog.” “Psh,” Hoseok falls back into the booth’s seat with an easy smile, “dogs are overrated. It’s cats that’ll rule the world one day.”

You make a face of mock disgust, “I’ve never heard such blasphemy in my life. I’d rather die with the dogs, thank you very much.”

Hoseok is about to make another cat elitist remark when a waitress makes her way over, and the two of you fall into ordering something to eat instead of starting world war three (though, you’re very tempted to not let it go).

It’s several minutes later, when you have a warm tea in your hands and Hoseok is eating a parfait that you decide to speak once more, having observed the muscles in his body no longer tense like they were when you first saw him. “You really do look well, Hoseok. I’m glad.”

Hoseok’s movements come to a halt, mouth full of yogurt and spoon digging for a blueberry when you say this. He tries really hard not to look you in the eye, instead focusing his gaze on your delicate hands holding your teacup, “So, how have you been?”

You, in turn, try not to feel hurt when he brushes off your comment, “Ah, things are really nice. I moved to a small house a little out of the city, and like I told you, I got a new job at a firm up the street. I’m an assistant so some days are pretty hectic, but I’m having such a wonderful time, Hoseok. It really feels like the job I needed, you know? I’m also going out more. I’ve been clubbing almost every other weekend with my friends.”

Hoseok nods, a bit surprised at the sound of you clubbing, “Really? You used to hate clubs with a passion before.”

Your smile turns a little tight, “Feelings change, apparently.”

Hoseok swallows the lump in his throat and shrinks back into his seat as if to escape the nasty feeling arising in his heart. The guilt weighs a ton, even twelve months later, it seems.

“It’s nothing major, Hoseok. I just like letting loose. Something I had no idea I liked before. Now that I have a bit of free time on my hands, it’s riveting. I’m sure there are things you’ve found out you actually really like too.” You bargain, the awkwardness in the air growing by the second. It doubles in size when Hoseok doesn’t reply for a minute.

You’re seconds from taking back your words, feeling bad for bringing up what was clearly still a tough topic. It was you that had called him here, you who had dug up all the bad memories that had followed your painful breakup, and it was you now making what was supposed to be a simple exchanging of words turn into a game of “who had moved on more?”. Hoseok beats you to it, however, “What else are you up to?”

“I… I’m dating someone.” You start tentatively, fully prepared to change the subject if he showed discomfort.

Yet, to your shock (and slight disappointment), he doesn’t show anything at all but a tough face you know all too well. It hurts you that he’s trying to play brave right now, “Tell me about him.”

You don’t exactly know where to start, whether to indulge about his interests and hobbies or to describe him physically, so instead, you start telling him the story of how you two met. You explain how the new job allowed you to meet Eunwoo, the person tasked with showing you around the workplace and getting you settled into your job. After a few bump-ins at the coffee machine, he had made it known that he was attracted to you and thus you began to date. It was nothing serious yet, but you liked him and he you, and it was the first time in a year that you’d felt romantic feelings for someone other than your ex sitting across from you at this table.

As you talked, Hoseok listened attentively, picking up on the details about how Eunwoo was an adventurer, someone who liked to go the extra mile. He lit up the room and everyone followed him, something that made a lot of people jealous of you for dating him. You had expressed it didn’t bother you that much; he wasn’t anything like you’d ever had before, and you admitted it was an exciting prospect to consider. He was, as Hoseok listened, nothing like him. And that was probably a good thing.

Eunwoo would know what he wanted the moment he wanted it. He wouldn’t confuse himself and end up losing the one thing he loved most.

“…and yeah,” you say and take a breath, a small smile on your face, “my friends love him.” 

Hoseok thinks, against his better judgement, that once upon a time your friends loved him too. “He must be a keeper then. I’m glad you’ve found someone who makes you feel alive, (Y/N). I… I only want you to feel loved.”

You look up from your tea with a jerk, and he looks up too, thinking something was wrong. Your breaths come out quick all of a sudden, eyes blazing as they stare into his own. They’re still so warm and familiar, almost like you never stopped looking in them. Almost like you hadn’t been dreaming of them every night for the last year. 

You stare and stare, trying to get a grip on your breathing when Hoseok pushes himself up from his seat and grabs some napkins from the table to hand to you, and you look at him in confusion before he points at your face, “You’re crying.”

Just as instantly as he says it, you become aware of the warm liquid trailing down your cheeks and making you gasp in embarrassment. They’re rushing from your eyes in an outflow, not contained even as you try to force yourself to stop, the surface of the napkins you press under your eyes quickly become damp and you think there’s something wrong with you for a minute, but it’s just the stunted sadness that had been creeping up on you since last Sunday, the sadness that made you ask him out this morning in the first place.

“I-I’m sorry, Hoseok,” he hates that you even think to apologize right now, knowing it was all his fault you were crying in the first place, “this is probably so awkward for you. I don’t mean to act like a weird, obsessive ex or anything, and I know you’d much rather be anywhere else than here talking to me about how I’ve ‘moved on’ but… I needed to see you once more to make sure.”

“Make sure of what?” His eyebrows screw up in confusion. 

“I needed to make sure I wasn’t in love with you anymore… so I could finally move on. But seeing you… seeing you still the same, still lovely as ever… no amount of what I change will ever make me forget how fucking lovestruck I am for you and probably always will be. What I felt for you was colossal. Hoseok, I swear my heart is going to break in two if I try to pretend I never loved you and still don’t.” 

A range of emotions hit him at once, watching you fumble to appear fine as people nearby start looking over to see what the problem was. To save you the embarrassment further, he slides out of his side of the booth and into yours, turning his broad shoulders until you’re shielded from nosy ears and prodding eyes. You seem to be thankful for it because you sink a little when he does it, but at the same time, you shift away from him as far as the booth would allow. He doesn’t blame you, but boy does it sting.

“Don’t… don’t force yourself to stop loving me,” he hates how asshole-y it makes him sound, but he quickly keeps talking, “don’t force anything in life, okay? Especially not feelings. If you love me still, that’s… that’s fine. It hurts probably, I know, but it’ll fade one day. You’ll keep dating Eunwoo and find out he’s a fucking great guy who you deserve to have, and he’ll help you forget all about me. There’ll come a day when you think about me and laugh instead of cry. People move on. It takes time, but it happens.” He has to greatly resist the urge to cradle your cheek in his large hand and pull you into a hug, because he knows it wouldn’t help you at all.

Still, he wishes.

You wipe at your face with the sleeves of your sweater, “I know, I know. I just wish it didn’t. I wish I could flip a switch and-” “And it would all go away? I understand.” 

At this, you scoff bitterly, “Isn’t that exactly what happened for you? One day you decided you didn’t love me anymore and it took you two months to say it?”

Hoseok, somewhere between horrified you’d think so and understanding that you would, frowns so hard you give him a funny look in return, “It… it came fast, I admit… but things aren’t what I thought they were when I first felt indifferent toward you. My first thought was, yes, I wasn’t in love with you anymore. My feelings for you had dwindled and everything felt heavy when we talked about our future together, something I was once so adamant about… but I realize now why that was. And… and maybe it was my mind telling me I wasn’t ready, or maybe it was my broken heart trying to save me from disappointment again. I still don’t really know what made me feel that way for so long, but I never… never fell out of love with you. Not really.”

Your lungs inflate to their full capacity but they stay that way, something in you too afraid to exhale, because this sounds way too similar to a dream you’d had more than once over the last year. “What… what are you saying?”

“I think I sabotaged myself,” Hoseok bitterly laughs, leaning into the seat with a heavy sigh, “I guess I thought that everything was going too well. Back then, that used to be a sign that everything was about to go to shit and I think I felt indifferent toward the situation and not you. I felt like if I didn’t break it off, you would, soon, and I didn’t know if I could take that feeling again. Not with you.”

It sounded pathetic to him, now that he was saying it out loud. He really fucked up, didn’t he? 

“That’s… that’s terrible, Hoseok.” 

“I know. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“But I’m glad you told me.”

Hoseok turns to look at you, blinking and lost, “You are?” 

Your tears have long since stopped, and now you sit up straighter, leaning slightly into the boy even as he fidgets nervously, hands fumbling under the table in lieu of something to do, “Yes. Because a year ago, you wouldn’t have told me at all. You say you haven’t changed but you’ve matured. You know more about yourself now. I’m proud.” 

Hoseok himself can feel tears beginning to pool at the edges of his eyelids, so he turns his head away from you just in case they break away before he can stop them, but he stops himself midway. Because, really, what progress would he have been making if he tried to hide himself away from you just moments after you’d told him you were proud he hadn’t before?

“So I guess this is where we are now. Still loving each other. What messes we are, right?” He laughs cynically to himself, “we seriously don’t know how to break up.”

You laugh back anyway, despite the way his face is downturned and how much you hate to see it that way, your hand coming up to cup his cheek as you ignore the small breath he releases when you do, “We do, we just do it differently than everyone else.”

“Are we going to leave it like this?” Hoseok’s expression is a tad desperate, wet brown eyes watching yours for an answer before your lips would give him one. He leans into your touch when you start to inch your hand away, so you decide to leave it there for the moment.

“I think we should... for now, at least. Like I said, I’m living a different life right now, and you are too. I think you’ve spent too much time focusing on relationships that you haven’t had time to love and repair yourself yet. So let’s do that. Let’s love ourselves and find out who we are and go from there. We don’t have to isolate ourselves from each other but… let’s put this on hold, hm?” You let your hand fall and he doesn’t make a move to follow it this time, his expression soft. He nods with a smile that doesn’t resemble the forced ones he’d been giving, and it makes you smile yourself.

Just then, you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket and you pull it out, finding that it’s your boss calling, and you can only guess what that could be about. You look up to Hoseok and he seems to get the hint, scooting out of the booth silently as you do the same with your jacket and bag in hand. You’re about to dig through your purse to throw some money down for the tea when Hoseok stops your hand, a gentle look in his eyes, “Say it’s one on me. An apology for making you cry this early in the morning.” 

You shoot him a grateful smile and whisper a parting to him before answering your phone and raising said phone to your ear as you make your way out of the cafe. Hoseok quietly settles back down into his seat and watches you walk through the window, mouth moving a mile a minute as you discuss God knows what with your boss. Hoseok is about to go back to his parfait when something glints in the morning light.

A gold necklace hangs around your neck, something he hadn’t noticed before when he’d been sitting right across from you. A piece he’d bought you two years ago for your anniversary, something he had expected you to pawn off the minute you moved out of his place.

To you, Hoseok had changed despite his belief he hadn’t. To him, you hadn’t changed much at all, despite your belief you had. 

There would probably still be nights where Hoseok would wish for you and what you used to have, and those nights would probably hurt just as badly as they had before, but something felt different about today. His shoulders felt a little lighter, and the future felt a little less bleak. Today, he could smile and… maybe. Maybe... it wouldn’t hurt all that bad.