#bc i have told myself that i must always be productive/contributing something when i come on here :3

[seoulmatez]

why does it feel like i’m not allowed on here when i have nothing to post

[gggoblin]

i said this to someone days ago (over the course of a couple days) after a lengthy multi-day conversation we had regarding our lives, our relationship, and specifically some things i had learned while on a social hiatus this month. (for fun i’ll point out that i’m an aries sun, virgo moon, gemini mars, taurus venus, aries mercury, cancer rising, aquarius saturn, aquarius dominant. they’re a libra sun, capricorn moon, libra mars, sagittarius venus, virgo mercury, capricorn saturn.) they haven’t responded to anything i’ve said so this is literally the end of the convo. my optimism turned to realism rather quickly and i realized this was an unintentional break up. not in the traditional sense, but a very specific kind of ending. i recently realized how to stop holding myself back, and now i can no longer allow other people to hold me back either. i’m posting this as a reminder, not some kind of call out. this was directed towards them, but it’s also a letter to myself as well as everyone else i know. these words were several years overdue to both them and myself. i’ve been holding back on my honesty so i’m posting this with all of its out-of-context glory to share some of the light and help whoever can relate or wants to take anything from it. opting out of a read more so forgive me por favor. excuse the typos and shitty grammar. down to clarify anything that seems confusing. life is good ~

your ego is intolerable and the source of probably all of your problems. you suffocate meaningful conversations with your ulterior motives. you’re not as open as you think you are. you admitted to being unloving inside. you cannot be both unloving and open. your desire for me to open up may have been genuine, but the intent behind that has been mostly self-serving. you like to use me to feed your ego as well as ease you into finally acknowledging just how enslaved you really are. everything is a learning opportunity so the benefits i’ve experienced from this have been strictly coincidence. possibly even luck. i’m not mad, just aware. i know how proud you are that you indirectly help others. that you can manage it being the way that you are. but pride fuels the ego. i know you’ve got a thing for small, harmful pleasures. we’ve all got addictions. the only reason why you recognized the power of my anxiety is bc you experienced it yourself. still currently experiencing. all we can provide to others is what we experience, what we encounter, what we know for certain. it’s important to share who we are and i’m glad that you do that instinctively. but you’ve assumed a lot of inaccurate things about me. things you’ve projected onto me because they are all you know. you don’t understand my personal experience the same way i don’t understand yours. but you feel the need to define me regardless bc that’s what makes you feel safe and secure. being in control. having answers. being right. it makes it impossible for you to fully receive my openness. it makes it impossible for you to trust me as an individual existing outside of the limits of your mind and ego. i made this same mistake in a way. i projected key aspects of who i am onto you. i assumed the level of your inner compassion and have treated you accordingly. assuming you understood things in a way that you actually don’t. shouldn’t have done that. it only limited communication between us. anyway, i understand that i have no idea how to help you solve your problems in the way that you need me to because that’s unknown territory for me. you can get lucky and learn from me, but there’s no order in chance. no method or process. just effort and hope. hopefully this helps you realize the same. you can’t help me bc you don’t understand who i actually am. and you can’t until you figure yourself out some more. same goes for me. again, you did not help me in the way that you believe you did. i can’t stress that enough. but the possibility remains of us eventually syncing up. maybe you already understood that. maybe you already understood all of this. it took me a second to work it out emotionally but sharing now seems like the right thing to do just in case you didn’t realize what was happening. barriers exist for a reason. they are the proof of imbalance. but i wholeheartedly believe we’ll both get our shit together eventually.....well i believe that unless martyrdom is your only real passion in life. if that’s what you have love for, that will be your quest and your legacy. personally i’m interested in something much more complex. something with an infinite number of continually expanding dimensions. if that’s where your heart really is, you’ll always be a dead end for me and i a dead end for you. a cul-de-sac. purposeful but limiting. just another possibility i realized. cool either way. interacting with you always reminds me of just how peaceful my reality is. everything is clear before and after i interact with you. your ego literally sucks the life out of me. it encourages me to not be myself. it’s the opposite of kindness. i can’t help but fight against it. that’s why i stick around. but it’s a battle i can’t win. that’s why i shut down. but again once i’m free to be myself, fighting again doesn’t seem like such a dumb idea. pointing out all the ways the ego can control someone seems like a really smart idea actually. your ego makes you all talk. not only with your ideas and goals, but also literally you never stop talking you never slow down. you always have something to say. some answer or explanation for everything. no concern over how quarter-assed it may be. a clear sign of being afraid of not knowing not having all the answers. when we talk, i’m quick to say i’m confused or don’t understand of don’t know something. i try not to lie to myself about those things bc i know it hinders growth. & i know you notice how often i do these things bc i’ve watched it frustrate you. us not being on the same page. not only with my curiosity though. happens when i disagree also. the “lack of connection” aka lack of confirmation. you literally hate me when i’m not supportive of your ego. that lazy blind faith ideal you’re so obsessed with. you’re so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of being seen as a loser. so insecure about someone else being ahead of you when the competition you’ve signed up for doesn’t even exist. you’re obsessed with winning and being superior. it’s more of a priority than reaching the truth. this has been so obvious. everything is a threat to you. you’re so afraid of the world. you said it yourself. the world is full of danger. it’s peak paranoia. i understand your panic and mania so much more now. i can/could relate to so much of this but there have been clear difference between us. sometimes i’ve wanted to tell you to calm down but i know that would only intensify your feelings. i tried to help by being gentle and nice and loving but that only made things worse. i tried to be direct and tell you that you’re good enough regardless of what’s going on inside of you or what you’ve done, but you’ve never believed me. just used these things against me bc you’re dependent on your ego. life without it scares you. you said the way i am goes against everything that you are. that’s true. your aggressive method went against all that i am. but that changed. i opened myself up and now it’s a part of me. your ego is never going to allow you to give anything other than what you already are a chance. i can barely imagine how frustrating that must be for your soul. don’t think i’m judging you bc i get it. it’s heavy and help from an outside source probably doesn’t exist. you’re the only one who can kill your ego and fighting yourself is hell. no judgement. i understand why you always told me i had it easier than you. everything is harder when your ego prevents you from giving love. so much you can’t feel and therefore so much you can’t learn. so many ways you can’t grow. all of this was so obvious when you decided to spend our entire conversation talking about yourself and how i was wrong and why you were right and how much more you knew. you never even took a second to be happy for me. my life has been getting better every day and you’re not even interested. you were barely interested in what i contributed to the conversation. you felt comfortable continuing our conversation even though you hadn’t read all those texts i sent. you have no idea what i could have said to you. but you didn’t find it important. nothing could have been important enough to you. as long as you’re being ruled by your ego, everyone will always just be pawns to you. you talk about all the ways you’ve made others’ lives better. how damaged they were and how you cured them. you rarely mention learning from others. no significant benefits to experience from those beneath you, right? you never bring up how other people have dealt with things when you try to give me advice. everything comes from you. no other examples. seems like you’ve collected nothing from others. nothing you trust. nothing that could be more informative than what you’ve experienced. your speech, your experiences, your gratitude, your kindness, all of it. so egocentric. it’s a little different when you’re with people and sober. a different kind of social anxiety. you’re afraid of physically feeling how much your ego is hated. you’re afraid of picking up those vibes bc you wont be able to just run away from them. you don’t want to be confronted so you have to tone it down and play nice. but in text or when you’re drunk/fucked up, you feel safe. you can hide. in text you can be as real as you want. when you’re intoxicated, everything can just seem like a joke or a mistake. an excuse to be irresponsible. your ego is such a coward. and it honestly believes it’s being real and open. you are so full of deceit. you honestly believe this is attractive? that you’re better this way? more functional? more productive? cooler? more respected? more confident? you’re lying to yourself more than you’re lying to everyone else. you know all of this. you know you could be so much more. you know you could feel more. do more. give more. take more. you’re just afraid of the struggle. you’re afraid of truly being vulnerable and having to find new ways to be okay in this big scary universe. you assume the unknown is going to feel worse than anything you’ve already felt. but the truth is it wont. it’s going to feel like real brutal happiness. real freedom. not just freedom of expression. freedom in all areas. it’s going to be light even when it’s heavy. because it’s going to be infinitely better than being limited by your ego. it will be a new addiction but an actually healthy one. i know there’s a good chance none of this will affect you. i’m not even assuming you’ll actually read all of this. i’m still mindful of time. you’ll get where you’re going when you’re supposed to. but i care so i have to say something. i have to try to help you however i can but i also have to make sure you understand you can’t fuck around with me anymore. if i don’t get offended, i wont feel guilty. if i don’t feel guilty, i wont feel like a failure. if i don’t feel like a failure, i wont be blinded by my own ego. and if i’m not blinded by my own ego, i can see everything clearly. if you don’t change anytime soon, i can see you becoming consumed by the hate you feel for me and everything that i am. you wont want to talk to me anymore if i don’t give you what you want. i wont mind if it happens. i wont be upset and i wont judge you. my love for you has never been conditional. i’ll still be here in some way if you ever see things differently. maybe it’s also important to acknowledge that i see that you’re trying. i can’t remember if i addressed that or not. i notice when you’re making attempts. they’re confirmation that a you beyond your ego exists. the real you is real. you are seen. i guess i now understand your smoking dependency too. maybe it really does help you feel things you can’t otherwise. maybe it makes you feel like the person you really are beyond your ego. i never judged you for that but i never fully understood the importance either bc i projected my feelings onto you. just seemed like a shortcut. but i get it now. maybe if we both smoked, we really would have synced up and everything would have seemed so easy and peaceful. you know, if we only interacted when we had smoked. but we would have learned nothing. that finish line would have been the starting line. there are no shortcuts on a circle. we just wouldn’t have moved at all. we would have missed everything. the whole journey. the whole cycle. but i understand the appeal. definitely seems a hell of a lot better than suffering and being separated. but things aren’t always as they seem. i still think this is way better and way more satisfying. the higher the goal, the harder the struggle.