#bc i cannot make sense of how i fucking feel its such a flurry

[29121996]

dunno if i hate working w him present or not honestly

[ardenttheories]

i feel the worst part of these latest upd8s is.... 2? 3? things? firstly, it's implied dave and karkat wanted kids too - jade could've ectobiologically had a kid w dave. dave was willing and proposed to her, he did love her. rose lied to kanaya and broke her trust but she also broke her brother's trust.... and dave n kanaya will probably never get to discuss that, nor will kanaya likely be allowed to be upset bc the narrative won't let her :)

Honestly? Something I hate most about the Yiffany situation is that Jade actively acknowledges Ectobiology. Like, she outright states in the Epilogues that she and Dave can’t have biological children because of Bec fusion shit (which implies she was a cis woman beforehand, since she says it’s explicitly because of the fusion that she can’t have children anymore), and then she admits that Ectobiology is an option.

What’s her reasoning for not using Ectobiology, though? 

JADE: but i dont think any of us are really interested in having a kid with ectobiology

JADE: it just feels…

JADE: well

JADE: i think weve had enough of ectobiology for one lifetime!

So... if Dave and Jade want children... but the only way for them to have a child - which, by the way, would still very much be biological since Ectobiology takes your fucking DNA - is through Ectobiology... we’re just meant to believe that they looked at each other and went “actually, on second thought, not having a child is the better option :)”

Firstly, that’s pretty shitty. The concept that a child isn’t worth the effort to have and raise if they’re not biological is outdated at best, and incredibly harmful to be read in something as popular as Homestuck, considering how young people were when they got into it, the wide range of ages it caters to, and the fact that a fair amount of people who are currently into Homestuck are LGBTQIA+ (aka, people who might not be able to have biological children). 

It’s even worse when you consider that through Ectobiology, the way they’ll have that child will just mean that all they’re skipping is the pregnancy part of it. That child will still genetically be part Dave and part Jade. It just means that Dave didn’t impregnate her. 

Yes, I understand that Jade might miss that - miss being able to bond with a child over 9 months while they’re growing in her womb, miss the actual act of childbirth, miss the moments she and Dave could have shared together waiting for her due date - but at the same time? If you are that desperate to have a child... that is biologically yours... with your partner... why would you not go for it?

It does bring up the question if Jade thinks her womanhood has been taken from her with her sudden lack of working womb, which feels slightly transphobic/misogynistic to write into a character who is already being badly coded as a trans woman (implying that trans women aren’t “real women” without the ability to bare children), but then. Why would her literal next option be to have sex with her best friend. 

That’s the part that doesn’t make sense to me. If this isn’t Jade having a gender crisis (”my body has been physically altered against my will and now I cannot have biological children, which is affecting me psychologically”), then why does she sleep with Rose? She’s not even the one carrying the child. Hosting that baby inside her body clearly does not mean that much to her if she impregnates Rose. 

So, she doesn’t care if the biological child is made with her actual partner’s DNA. This isn’t Jade finding a way around not being able to bare her own baby. This is Jade deciding that she can’t have an actual biological child without the act of sex.

Jade would rather fuck her own best friend behind both their partners’ backs, quite literally encouraging said friend to cheat on her wife, than have a perfectly legitimate, biological baby with her partner through Ectobiology. In what universe did the writers think this made any form of sense. 

In what universe did the writers think that a woman who is desperate for a child with her partner would overlook something as wondrous as Ectobiology - something that would let her have a baby with her and her partner’s DNA, a baby that would be biologically theirs. 

In what universe did they think Jade would view sexual intimacy as an important part of having a child, an important part of making that child biological and legitimate. When she herself wasn’t born from sexual intimacy. When sexual intimacy would require cheating on her partner. 

Even if we ignore that fucking mess, you’re completely right - we’re never going to see how Kanaya reacts to this. She’s been shafted to begin with, anyway; all we hear from her about the situation is that she and Rose have talked about it. That’s it. She and Rose have talked about the situation off-screen, and suddenly she’s perfectly okay with the concept that her loving wife of several decades has cheated on her and kept a child secret for fifteen years. 

It would have been cathartic to see the conversation. It would’ve been important to see how Kanaya copes with the logic, how it affects their relationship - to see Kanaya be angry, be upset, to show any form of emotion towards her wife’s long-kept secret. To see Kanaya tell Rose she loves her, and that they’ll work through it. To see Kanaya ask Rose why she didn’t just tell her, that she would’ve been supportive, that she would’ve helped, and Rose’s guilt about not telling her. To see Kanaya say she would love to meet her some day, her wife’s other child, and Rose happily telling Kanaya all about her. 

As a writer, you need to add in this sort of catharsis for your readers. You need to help your readers work through their emotions at the same time as the characters do, especially if they’re as loved as the Homestuck characters are. You need to let them slowly come down from the outrage alongside the characters who are feeling the emotions, to see the logic, to see the aftermath, so they can feel legitimised and find it easier to accept what’s happened.

Instead, it’s just... sorted. It’s already done. Kanaya’s okay with it, supposedly, but we are not. We are outraged on her behalf because she has been written to not care. Because we never got our catharsis, so we can never accept hers. 

That’s not even taking into account Dave. I know, in some ways, it might not matter as much to him; Dave didn’t fully love Jade, and their relationship was built on shambles. He’s also Davebot, now - and we have no idea what he does or doesn’t know, what he’s come to terms with on his own off-screen. But even that comes with its own flurry of questions. 

Will he be mad at Rose and Jade? Will he be glad for them? Will he even care? What does he feel towards this child, considering it’s his wife’s child? Will he feel anything? Will he see her as partly his own? 

How amazing would it have been - or be - to see Dave and Kanaya have another conversation? We’ve already seen them talk in Meat, we know their conversations can be cathartic and good for each other. Seeing a Candy conversation between them, Dave opening up about how he feels while Kanaya admits her own frustrations and feelings... it would have been a wonderful. 

It would’ve been something we could compare against the two timelines, something to analyise, something theorise with, something to judge development between in a starker manner - but instead, Dave’s gone, and Kanaya is just okay with it. 

It is endlessly fucking frustrating. Everything about how they wrote this reveal is just awful. It’s such horrific writing practice I genuinely don’t understand how they thought a single part of this was anything close to okay.

[honestkillers]

**Diamond is Tennesee’s Therapist of approximately two years as of 2020**

**Pammy is a very close, ride or die friend of Tennessee since 2016**

Diamond - 

I woke up this morning with certain words echoing in my head “Iʼve reverted back to old coping mechanisms”. I took out the letter Texas wrote to me and those very words were written on the page.

I cannot do anything or say anything to Texas or anyone in our lives to have her stop. Itʼs a secret. Itʼs not mine. Itʼs not my place.

“Please stop. You are SO loved. I HOPE you already have and are starting to get some peace...by piece...by peace”.

A writing she shared with me a few days ago that she wrote after her own therapy session. Her words. Texas really is one of the quickest, smartest and dang funniest people Iʼve ever met - not many people can or have, but man she challenges and most times rivals me. She DID. Man. ThAtʼs hard to write. But I AM HOPEFUL. For the first time in my life. In A World of Possibilities...

[SIDEBAR re “PeAce by Piece by PeAce” - clever]

It should be noted to you, Diamond, that I received this piece of writing via email from Texas this past Sunday (she was away for her Grannyʼs funeral) - She sent It After getting texts from me while I was in what I will call for now - A “break moment” - I thought it was A panic attack. Thatʼs all Iʼve ever known to call it - I had to name it SOMETHING. GOD I WANT TO CRY. I Am choking back tears as I write this. I was in the middle of a “BREAK” of uncontrollable anger and rage and spiral - And part of me was cognizant and watched it from the outside. Even SOBER I COULD NOT STOP IT. I just couldnʼt do anything to stop it. And Holly and Justin witnessed it this time, not Texas. The logical mind and part of me that held on so long - MY WHOLE LIFE - Had finally completely broken this past year and I was powerless. 

I had never been to this place before. I watched it happen and destroy and I COULD NOT STOP IT. I AM NOT that person but I AM that person. I hate seeing what this did to Texas. I hate what it has done to me.

Me Me Me. Right?

[END SIDEBAR]

God I am so sorry. On my hands and knees save me sorry.

I then in a flurry, per usual, started a rabbit hole of google research. Very aware that:

SHE IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

She never was a problem.

She never was my problem.

She chose to be my girlfriend, love, and partner.

I AM THE PROBLEM.

Those words as I woke - That rabbit hole of quick research - thoughts and conversations and pieces flying through my head now in a fucking flurry.

BPD.

It all led me to remembering a book that I took from mine and Pammy’s House last year and brought to mine and Texasʼ. (Yeah, I see that sentence) I remember Texas saying she wanted to read it and to bring it home with me.

I did think library - but I knew I would write notes all over the inside.

I did think about my bank account - we all know thatʼs not a current option.

So I did break my word - I texted Texas (with HOPE more than anything) and asked her to leave it outside on the edge of the porch for me to scoop. She put it on the ledge. And quickly texted me that she did.

Thank you, Texas.

“I Hate You, Donʼt Leave Me”

Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, and Hal Straus

How did I get here? How did this PIECE come full circle? Why did Texas want to read this book? For her? For me? For both of us?

I just put a NAME to the PIECE of me that NEVER MADE SENSE. 

My whole fucking life. My whole life

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

I am crying. Holding back tears And still crying. THIS and my WHOLE LIFE made sense in a flooding instant. Texas and I made sense - No wonder we kept seeing all the amazing pieces right there but just couldnʼt find a common language. I DIDNʼT KNOW. I really never new.

THIS IS ME.

So far, just from the start of reading the book I gained:

It happened early in my life - it usually happens when a family background is marked by alcoholism, depression, and emotional disturbances - A SPLIT.

Then my parents died. And I continued on drinking, using the “blood money” (thatʼs what I call the inheritance I BLEW bc I never wanted the money - I wanted them alive) to fill voids and just get by...day by day, year by year. I never had to be accountable. I never had to figure it out.

Then I met “15” - my nickname for Texas.

I just keep crying. I just keep reading. I need to read all of it I need to learn. I have lived like this for 43 YEARS. I have so many questions. So many things to learn. I have a HOPE for ME now.

Texas - I have said far too many “Iʼm sorryʼs” to you. You didnʼt deserve being in any room with that EVER. I want to throw up just feeling it all hit me. I never ever wanted to scare you or make you sad. I hope you have some peace back in your life. That never should have been taken.

Texas - Thank you. You changed my life. You make me smile. You are special.

You are love. I miss your hug. I miss you.

Thank you for being THE ONLY ENTITY MY WHOLE LIFE that made me want to be better FOR ME.

Made me want to stop drinking.

Made me want to verbalize a promise and work every day to keep it.

Made me want to commit.

Made me want to be accountable.

Made me finally self-care and drink water.

Somehow you and me and life led me to this mornings wakeup - to Sheriff Gearyʼs.

BEST AND WORST DAY.

Piece by Piece.

I am not a narcissist.

I am just mentally ill. Fucking Crazy Pants.

I have BPD. Perfect. Woof.

If I had never gotten the wake up call SLAM that made me stop drinking.

[Wait. No. No. NO. 15 CANNOT be gone. What the FUCK is happening]

I never would have witnessed that same out of body insane uncontrollable rage - through the eyes of true loss at my own hand - like I did Sunday in front of Holly and Justin. I never would have considered. I would have just continued on until the day I die never getting the chance to BE OKAY.

Iʼm excited. Iʼm terrified. I donʼt feel alone but I feel so alone. I have hope.

THE IRONY IS NOT LOST ON ME. But maybe this isnʼt a twist in the plot line. This is a missing piece - at least a big one - of becoming a whole ME.

I found her.

She found me.

She found her.

I lost her.

I lost me.

I found me.

In a world of possibilities...maybe we find each other again and for the first time as US. Two separate people choosing to share time with each other - whatever that means. And both with an understanding and common language neither of us can find right now. Man, how lucky would that be.

I can breathe. I just felt it. I exhailed. I inhaled and exhaled again and it feels different.

Iʼm going to go send have a smoke (for now - At least one nice is nice)

And Iʼm going to read this book. 

THE WHOLE BOOK. 

Chapter by Chapter. Take it all in Piece by Piece.

I donʼt know.

Does this make sense?

Am I crazy?

Haha. Oh boy. YUUUUUUUUP.

Iʼm absolutely out of my damn mind

But at least I am not alone and I have a chance to have a life I deserve filled with all the GOOD-GOOD.

I thought about it. And I was too caught up in surface of the idea & the just plain funny of it honestly - As I have been with everything.

We All know exactly how caterpillars fall from trees - even with all those legs. You have to dig deep, look back and really understand where that caterpillar has been in its life. Some caterpillars hit the ground - sometimes it doesnʼt matter how many legs they have, they fall. I just hope the caterpillar that I am gets to truly be a butterfly someday.

Always,