#bc i NEED to. like. the anxiety in particular is really bad and it's stopping me doing Most things

[dont-offend-the-bees]

Anyone else out here haunted by the unknowns of recovery?

[brokebonewritings]

can you do one where reader hasn’t ever dated anyone, or gone on a date and kissed anyone before bc of anxiety and being shy, and somehow you’re friends with matt and the gang (maybe from law school? idk) and foggy and karen keep telling you matt likes you but you don’t believe it until he tells you himself, and then you’re at a loss for how to proceed since you have 0 experience 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

My friend. Anything for you, especially since you’re my first request in a long time! So thank you so much! Hope you enjoy this little story 🤍

Sincerely, Anxiety.

Matt Murdock x reader

Tags/ Warning: Pure Cane Fluff

Word Count: 2.1K

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You sat quietly at the cafe booth you currently resided in. Waiting. Currently you’re waiting for your friends as they slowly filtered into the coffee shop. Karen joins you as she gets her coffee, the both of you catching up from the weekend. Foggy and Matt join 15 minutes later. 

The lot of you sit around the table and talk about the previous week. Cases you are all working on, your families, dates. Not that you have been on any date. Your social anxiety was far too bad to do any of that. 

“Okay, well we have to know.” Karen says. “Are you and Marci getting back together?” This was directed towards Foggy. His cheeks caught a tint of pink before he cleared his throat.

“I mean, I don’t know. It was just a date.” He replied.

You turn and give Karen a side eyed look before smiling. “So is there another date?” 

“You guys suck you know that?” Foggy mutters. “Yeah, we’re planning a second date.”

Matt lets out a small chuckle next to you, as you shake your head and take a sip of coffee. You stare at the way his eyes crinkle out of the side of his glasses. It makes your stomach fill with butterflies. Focusing on your cup a little too intensely, you realize Foggy had been calling your name after a few minutes.

“Huh?” You look up from the cup “What happened?”

“Karen asked how your date went?” Foggy replied. Out of the corner of your eye you see Matt tense a bit. Karen noticed as well as Foggy. You sat in silence for a moment.

“I didn’t go.” You said quietly.

“What?” Matt said abruptly. 

“Yeah, what?” Karen cleared her throat, in confusion.

“I just,” You start, rubbing the back of your neck. “I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew it would turn out bad.”

Now it was Foggy and Karen’s turn to look at each other in a knowing way. The dating conversation was dropped and everyone continued to finish their coffee. Once you are all determined to be done for the day you all part ways.

It was nice to see your friends almost daily. It helped that you all worked closely together. Karen, Matt and Foggy shared an office, and you worked right up the street in a PI office. 

What wasn’t nice was torturing yourself by seeing Matt almost daily. Your hands were always clammy when you were near him. Heart beating slightly faster whenever you accidentally brush your hands. You really had it bad for Matt, and could you blame yourself? Yes, you always did blame yourself.

You and Karen walk through Central Park on a leisurely stroll. It wasn’t too often that the both of you got to hang out, so when it did happen it was nice. You both giggle as you make fun of Foggy and Matt the previous night at Josies. They had been arguing over what had happened on a particular night in college.

“What a great day for a picnic! This was a great idea!.” Karen exclaimed. 

“Right? I’m glad you were able to come.” You smile warmly at her. “Especially without the boys.”

Stopping on the top of a small hill, you both begin setting up for your little lunch. It really was a nice day out. It was cloudy and the park wasn’t packed for once. The small basket was quaint, but nothing too fancy.

“You said you needed to talk to me about something?” You asked after a moment. The both of you continue setting out small plates and cups. She looks up for a moment, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear before clearing her throat.

“Right…” She starts. “It’s about the other day at the coffee shop. Foggy and I noticed that Matt looked surprised when I mentioned the date.”

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. Did you tell him about the date?” She asks curiously. No. The answer was that simple. You didn’t know how to speak to Matt like a regular person. A big part of that was because you liked him. Another part was that you were too shy around him, and why would he be interested in someone that can’t even speak up at a bar.

“I didn’t think he would react the way he did.” You finally respond. Karen’s lips flattened, obviously she disapproved of your answer. You decide to ignore the look on her face as you pour the both of you a cup of lemonade.

“You know he likes you right?” Her comment makes you spill a little juice on the blanket. “Wait… did you not know?”

“Did I not know?!” You choke out. The reaction coming out of you was actually laughable. Honestly, how could you have known. The man likes to keep secrets, you knew he was good at it too. “He can’t possibly like me. I’m definitely not his type.”

“He’s got it bad for you, y/n.” She says. “Maybe you should just shoot your shot.”

“I don’t think he does though.” You admit quietly. “Even if he did the what if he rejects me?”

“He won’t.” She takes the small sandwiches out of the basket before putting one on a plate for you. “He talks about you constantly, and you know he doesn’t date anyone?”

“He doesn’t?” You take the plate and hand her a small bowl of salad in return. “Not even his infamous one night stands?”

Karen shakes her head and knits her eyebrows together. “He hasn’t spoke about that in a long time actually. Point is, he’s confided in Foggy about being smitten by you.”

The red tint on your cheeks didn’t hide the fact that you felt the same way. You very much were smitten by him too. However there was one thing that was holding you back. Your anxiety. How could possibly tell Matt that you felt the same way.

“Wait, why are you telling me this?” You ask, and she snorts in response.

“Are you kidding me? Foggy and I are kind of tired of the both of you dancing around each other.”

“You mean to tell me, that Mr. Confidence is anxious about telling me he likes me?”

She nods in response as she eats her salad. You focus on your own food for a moment before speaking up.

“I’ve actually never been on a date before.” You begin. “And I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

Karen’s head flies up as she stares at you with wide eyes. “No way!”

You blush and nod. It really was never your fault. Your people skills in High School were very limited. Even after you entered college they were limited. Working as a private investigator helped a little but not a lot.

“I don’t even know where to begin in asking someone out.” You admit.

She considers the statement for a moment. “Then maybe we should come up with a plan.”

The smirk on her face says it all. For the rest of the picnic the both of you devise a scheme to tell Matt how you feel and a way to ask him on a proper date.

The week had come and gone in a flash. You all gather at Josies for your Friday night rituals. Same Table, Same Drinks, and Same People. Karen quickly takes a seat next to Foggy, which leaves you to sit next to Matt. You set your drink down before sliding into the chair. Matt looks over and smiles at you.

“Hey.” He says softly.

“Hi Matt.” You reply in the same tone. A blush slowly rises from your neck. The smile he gives you makes the butterflies that were in your stomach migrate to your chest. The warmth of his body sitting next to yours was comforting.

Throughout the night, everyone laughed and drank the woes of the work week away. Liquid confidence crawls through your vein, and once you have gotten enough of it you look at Karen and nod at her.

“Oh hey Matt! Y/n had something at their apartment for you!” Karen says abruptly changing the current topic. He raises an eyebrow before turning to face you.

“What would that be?” He asks curiously.

“Oh. Well, just a late Easter gift.” You stutter. “You’re still catholic right?”

Matt lets out a loud laugh which makes you smile. ‘Take a breath’ you tell yourself.

“Yeah, I guess I am still Catholic.” He replies. “Why don’t we go now. It’s getting a bit late.”

You nod, and give Karen and Foggy a smile. Of course in good Nelson manner, the other man gives you a thumbs up. Karen winks and mouths a quick ‘Good Luck’ before you and Matt stand and make your way out of the bar.

It's crisp outside. Not enough to need a jacket, but you could tell that summer was quickly turning into autumn. You both walk mostly in silence, besides the little jokes you both made to each other. It was crazy to think that the pining was mutual between you two. Outsiders could look and think you were already in a comfortable relationship. 

Once you arrive at your apartment, you open the door and allow the both of you to enter. Setting your stuff on your counter, you offer Matt a glass of water. Happily he takes it and sit at your kitchen table.

“Wait right here a moment.” You say before disappearing into your room. Closing the door behind yourself, you lean against and take a big breath. Like you had been holding it in for ages.

You walk over to your small desk and retrieve the gift you had actually bought the day before. It was a small little box with a letter inside. Written in braille of course. Underneath the letter was a ticket to a candlelight orchestra.

Taking another deep breath, you step out from your room and head straight for Matt. He is waiting patiently in the same place he was before.

“Happy Easter, Matty.” You say quietly before handing him the small box. He grins as he takes it, opening it slowly.

His fingers gracefully take the letter out of the box before he sets it on the table.

“Braille?” He cocks an eyebrow. You nod.

“I wrote it myself.” A small smile forms on your face. Turns out learning how to read braille was hard. You had started it as a hobby a few years prior, and it finally came in handy.

Setting the paper on the table. His fingers glide over the page. You can see the smile growing on his face. Once he finishes reading your note, he turns his head in your direction. Anticipating his answer you forget to breathe.

“You like me?” He says shakily.

“Yeah, Matt. I really do.” You say with the rest of your breath.

His hand stretches out towards you and you grab his in return. You were shaking from the anxiety building up. He chuckles lightly when he feels the small tremors.

“And you want to go on a date with me?” You nod after his question.

“Only if you want to.” You let out.

“Of course I want to.” He says. “I’ve wanted to for a long time.”

“You did?” The realization was settling on your face. Karen had been telling the truth after all.

“Yeah and you know what Karen told me?” 

“Hm?

“That you have never been on a date.” He grins. “And never been kissed.”

You were going to kill her. That’s on you though, she was the reason you were asking Matt out anyways. Your cheeks burned bright red as you stared at him.

“You’re gonna be the death of me, Matt Murdock.”

“Me? Or will it be your anxiety?” He quips.

“Touche.”

The night went on until the sun came up. It was the longest conversation you had ever mustered the courage to have with him. Nothing was awkward about it either. It was like you both had been friends forever, which was somewhat true. Maybe this was the start of a huge stepping stone in your life. 

Matt didn’t seem to be bothered by your anxiety anyways. He always knew how to get around the minefields in your head. That's what drew you to him to begin with. Hopefully the first date would turn into more. You could only hope.

Secretly you thanked Karen for the way she helped you ask Matt out. Maybe all you needed was that one simple push. When he finally decided to go home, he wouldn’t let go of your hand. It was like he had become attached to you.

“I promise I’ll call you later.” He says

“Or maybe we can get some coffee once you do wake up?” You suggested.

“It’s date then.”

“Okay fine. It’s a date.” You say with a smile pushing him out your door.

[aroace-poly-show]

HELLO OMG im so intrigued about hw actually and you have been talking about hw ruinene in particular so can i ask about what their history is like. what is their relationship currently. how are they doing. sorry if this question is a bit vague i can always reword it if needed!

FIRSTLY. THANK YOU OH MY GOD i’ve honestly been worried i’ve been too annoying about them dlkjfhjs BUT YAYYY SOMEONE IS INTERESTED YAHOO

anyway this is got SO FUCKING LONG so ramble is gonna be under the cut:

so to answer your question, the short answer is that they’re doing bad :D!! this is a nightcord/wxs swap after all.

for context in this swap au, rui was able to join nene’s theater group when they were younger!! nene wouldn’t join unless rui was allowed to as well, so begrudgingly the members let him join despite not liking him much bc they thought nene would be a good member. rui didn’t really want to join either, cause he could tell the members didn’t like him much, but nene really wanted him to and since didn’t want to stop her from joining, he agrees to it.

rui and the troupe don’t get along too much but they’re willing to deal with him to keep nene around and rui’s pretty content being able to do shows with nene. until nene has that fuck up on stage moment like she does in her canon past, but its made worse when rui tries to stand up for her. picture the wxs main story fight. something like that.

unfortunately the member rui ends up arguing with gets all up in rui’s face and provokes him into shoving them. the guy isn’t seriously injured or anything but that doesn’t matter much because now they have fuel for rumors to spread about him, that they knew they never should have let that weirdo kid join, they always knew he would hurt someone, etc, stuff like that. but nene’s involved too now!! given that she was his friend and ends up being the only one to stick around with him, rumors spread around her as well since not only did she ruin their show, she also hangs out with “that weirdo kid,” so she’s probably just as weird and dangerous. so they’re both stuck in this together throughout middle school. how fun :)

nene’s stage fright and social anxiety after that is fucking godawful. she can’t bring herself to sing anymore despite wanting to SO fucking badly, so she turns to composing as a hobby. she sort of takes on kanade’s role as the shut-in composer. girl is completely petrified of leaving the house. rui still makes robo-nene for her, so she doesn’t have to leave the house if she’s too scared to and can use it to go run errands or something with rui as company. my girl has so much self loathing in her about what happened and berates herself a lot. thinks of herself as horribly pathetic and cowardly. also so much guilt i will get into in a minute

rui meanwhile is really discouraged from doing shows after that. discouraged feels too light for it tbh. he still loves shows dearly but (pre main story at least) he is like. so convinced he won’t ever be able to and shouldn’t even try connecting with people after that. because if all his attempts are only going to lead to him and other people getting hurt, what’s the point? he’ll always be the weirdo kid no one trusts, and he knows he can’t do shows alone, and he’s kinda accepted that he’ll just be forever be lonely and isolated, aside from having nene with him. but that’s not rlly comforting to him bc of how guilty he feels about dragging her down with him.

speaking of which: time to bring up their mutual guilt!! good fucking lord they both have so much guilt inside them and despite how deeply they care about each other neither of them have ever heard of communicating‼️ they are both fully convinced they are at fault for what happened.

nene hates herself bc she feels like she pressured rui into joining, for messing her moment, for not being able to stand up for herself, for making rui do it for her and leading to what happened, and then STILL being so much of a coward that rui has to defend her throughout middle school. she feels like a burden to him and feels so so horribly guilty about it. he made a whole goddamn robot for her because of how scared she is to leave the house anymore after the harassment and she feels she does nothing for him in return.

rui on the other hand feels horribly guilty for making a stupid decision in the heat of the moment and dragging nene’s reputation down with his. he thinks if he hadn’t been there, if nene had never been friends with him, nene would never have gotten so much harassment. he thinks he deserves it all, but nene doesn’t. he’s really protective of her and took most of the heat when the harassment was really rough. he’s fully convinced he did this to her, that it’s his fault and the very least he could do for her is try to help her as much as he can. this is nightcord wxs so of course he wants to disappear but rui doesn’t less because he thinks nene would miss him and doesn’t want to make her sad (he cares so so much about her but bro’s convinced she should resent him for doing this to her, cause he definitely feels that way about himself) and more bc in his head, it’d be fucking shameful of him to try to take the easy way out. like, how dare he leave nene like that, when he’s the one that did this to her. how dare he abandon her when this entire situation is his fault.

nene’s also been the closest one to ever actually disappearing. she berates herself a lot for being too much of a coward to actually do it, to free rui of the burden that is her. she wants to both bc of the amount of guilt and self loathing she has but also just. feels really lost and aimless. like her dream was to be an actress, but she can barely leave the house anymore, so how is she even supposed to do that? like. she’s tired of living the way she does as a shut in. but at least she has music. she finds comfort in composing.

they’ve clearly stayed friends through it all, and they both care so so much about each other, but there’s a sort of wall between them after everything. they still tease each other and hang out together since they’re neighbors, and try to pretend everything’s stayed the same between them. they get better at not being so closed off to each other!! eventually!! but god starting odd neither of them EVER open up to each other. there’s rui who struggles to identify his own feelings in the first place and nene who doesn’t want to bother rui but generally they both just have the mindset of “i can’t trouble them more than i already have.”

when nene starts composing, rui’s really really happy for her. like he sees how miserable she’s been so her finally finding something she seems interested in makes him really really happy. and later once the group is fully formed, being able to do music videos makes him happy too. it’s not quite the same as doing shows obviously, but he’s happy he’s able to tell stories one way or another.

guhh. i hope this made sense and didn’t contradict too much. i’m probably missing stuff. that’s all the coherent stuff for now though. these horribly sad clowns who have never communicated in their lives…i’m insane about them…

anyway, a few miscellaneous facts about them:

nene is fucking ruthless online, especially when it comes to people even being slightly mean to rui.

nene switched to home schooling since middle school, after rui graduated from it.

rui picked out their online aliases, tako (octopus) and kurage (jellyfish). he likes sea animals and thought it’d be funny. nene did not seem to find it funny, but she kept the one he chose for her anyway.

rui’s also gotten really good at video games since he’s played them with nene for so long.

they stay over at each others houses quite a bit, and as they learn to not be so closed off to each other, staying over happens a lot more. if one of them feels like shit, all one of them needs to do is just text the other and no matter how late it is, the other will already be prepared with some spare blankets and maybe a few snacks. they might not always talk, but it’s comforting being in the presence of the other.

they came out to each other as aroace during a sleepover back in middle school. it really just went like:

“hey, rui?” “yeah?” “i think i’m aroace.” “oh. me too actually, i think.” “oh. okay.”

nene got to know mizuki a little bit, since she stayed close to rui during middle school. he introduced them to each other, nene still keeps in touch with them.

they have a hobby of trying new cup noodle flavors and combos together. they have a tier list and everything.

they both get anxious about arguments, but nene especially gets really panicky and nervous.

judas by abuse is hw core hw rui in particular. but there’s good lines that make me think of nene in there too. feel free to ask me for that ramble it’s been living in my brain

feel free to ask more stuff i’m more than happy to ramble

[sanderssidesthehouse]

Casual observer of your gradual slip into obsession with Anxceit so I'm wondering if we could get your shipinions? (For the ask meme.)

I would love to give my shipinions!

I actually wasn't that into them until I started making those playlists (master post, anxceit link), but now I can't stop myself. There's just so much, so many possibilities, and no answers to be had (yet).

They are currently exes to me. It could be healthy, it could be toxic, it could be left in the past. Something I've said before that I think it sums it up well: "Maybe it's about what was. Maybe it's about what could have been. Maybe it's about what is. Maybe it's about what could never be."

All I know is that it's devastating and tragic but also has the potential to be the most beautiful love story you've ever seen. And if not, I'm a fan of toxic yaoi, too. I literally can't lose.

Another quote from me: "I absolutely need to know what Virgil’s deal with Janus is and if it’s anything like my theories bc there are so many ways that could go, all of which being angsty and fun. Like did Virgil assume something and spiral? Could Janus not manage to tell the truth when it was important? Was it a single incident or many? I am unwell about them."

I think it would be amazingly angsty if after all this time they still knew each other best. Like maybe they don't know each others current favorite foods or movies, but they know each others deepest fears and how to calm each other down and what each others most formative moments were. I like the idea of them having deeply entrenched history.

They are prime for 'bad thing happens and suddenly you're the person I turn to and it's different now but I never stopped loving you and we'll have to work through that all later, but for now please just hold me' or 'we still have a lot to unpack but I trust you with this thing that is important to me bc I know you can and will do it'.

Them both having protecting roles is very interesting and it would make so much sense if that's why they had a falling out in the first place. I explored one possibility of what that would look like in Why Do I, excerpt here: "The thing about Deceit- Janus- Self Preservation, whatever you wanted to call him, was that he had one singular agenda: Make sure Thomas gets what he needs and then what he wants, regardless of who he has to cut through to do it. And so, once upon a time, Virgil ended up with a knife in his back."

A second excerpt: "And whenever something happening to Thomas would make Virgil freak out, Janus would have Thomas lie it away." I wrote while thinking about how lying can affect anxiety and Anxiety. When you lie, there's always the chance of getting caught, which can potentially be more stressful than the thing you lied about, and if you get caught too many times, it's the boy who cried wolf which would also be a very anxiety inducing situation bc what if you really need someone to believe you?

There's also the fact that this would increase avoidant behavior. Janus CANNOT defer to Virgil if he wants to keep c!Thomas safe bc long term that would be disastrous to his health. Sometimes things that are good for you are scary. But this in particular is related mostly to their jobs so they shouldn't be taking it personally, especially since 'dark' sides know better than anyone that they can't help what their jobs are, they just have to do them.

I feel like I'm just going to end up talking a really long time only to end up no where, so I'll end this here, but absolutely ask me specific questions if you want to know what I think bc I have so many thoughts.

[maygranted]

I saw your post about Buck being OCD-coded! Can you please say more?? I’ve always read him as being ADHD-coded and I’d love to hear more!

omg ofc i’d love to! i do apologise for how long this post is going to be 😭

so to start off, this all began bc my friend (who has adhd) really related to buck and i (who has ocd) also really related to him so we were like hmm wait a second… adhd AND ocd???

anyway i think one part of him that’s just v ocd coded to me (but also definitely is in combination with rsd from his adhd) is how he tends to catastrophise situations. like he has such severe abandonment issues to the point where he actively obsesses over it, here’s an example !!!

BUCK: Starts out small. Uh, she's-she's canceling plans. She's got to work. She needs to wash her hair or do her laundry, and before you know it, poof. Dropping them off at the airport and never seeing them again.

HEN: Okay, Buck, you're being a little too Buck about this.

like it’s just a very irrational line of thought and u can see how hen says oh you’re being a little too buck abt this bc it’s common for him to exaggerate situations he obsesses over in his mind. and then in turn to alleviate this anxiety somehow he begins to cling bc all his irrational thoughts are telling him that people will leave

and then ofc there’s the situation where after chimney’s left he feels so heavily responsible for it (responsibility ocd ) to the point where he says he’ll leave the 118. like that’s such an irrational line of thought that his mind has catastrophised from obsessing over it.

and then also the tsunami episodes <3 like ofc he feels responsible for chris it’s a normal response but the way he actively obsesses over losing chris and that that makes him a terrible person and he has such severe guilt over it is just v moral ocd and responsibility ocd to me? so he searches for chris to the point where he’s severely dehydrated and bleeding and he still doesn’t stop that’s just a v obsessive thing to me does that make sense??

here’s an explanation of hyper-responsibility related to ocd, which btw sounds very buck coded to me:

But what happens when someone overestimates their responsibility? What happens when someone feels that they can control things that they cannot actually control? These feelings might even seep into relationships—feeling like they can control how someone else feels, or feeling that they are responsible for making everyone happy or content. This can create people-pleasing patterns and make them constantly feel the need to put others’ needs in front of their own. This can look like saying yes to things they do not want to do but feel they need to do, lest someone get upset with them. Or, they may think, “If I don’t do this, then something bad might happen.” […]

Anxiety and guilt are often at the root of an inflated sense of responsibility. The person with OCD thinks of all the possible repercussions of not acting in a particular scenario. They feel guilty for possible negative outcomes, often engaging in magical thinking—believing that their ideas, thoughts, actions, or other things can impact the world around them. This results in compulsions, which can take on many different forms; for some, it may involve very detailed rituals they feel they must perform to prevent something very specific from occurring. For others, it may be a vague need to do something “just in case” or to feel like everyone will be safe.

and then ofc there’s my gifset where he’s developed a compulsion bc he’s scared he’s still in a coma so he has a list of things he checks </3

anyway i feel like a huge part of this is definitely also projecting bc i personally struggle with moral ocd and responsibility ocd and a lot of guilt bc of that but it’s just something i’ve noticed a lot with buck, how his mind is constantly jumping to the worst, most irrational conclusion (and irrationality IS a huge part of intrusive thoughts) and so in turn he either feels the need to fix it (bc it’s HIS responsibility in his mind!) by distancing himself bc he’s the problem or clinging. trying to fix something that isn’t even a problem that needs fixing or isn’t even ur responsibility to fix is just a very ocd coded thing to me <3 and i think a lot of this is definitely more related to mental compulsions which a lot of people don’t really know abt and instead assume ocd is just the stereotypical compulsions (washing hands, organising etc which ARE ofc things that happen but it’s not just that!) so he v much falls into that “irrational thought / obsession” —> anxiety, uncertainty, guilt —> compulsion (trying to fix shit, apologising, reassurance) cycle u see with ocd.

i hope this made sense somehow and ty for asking, as u can see i love talking abt this :)) also it’s absolutely ok to disagree with me on this, it’s just something i personally noticed and really identified with due to my own ocd, i just hope i did a good job of explaining it!

[toxicanonymity]

You once said something about the incongruity between how you might feel about a particular Joelkemon and how popular he is. How do you manage the anxiety that the next chapter of a story might not be what you wanted it to be? I'm juggling three or four series and someone said they liked one (holy shit! Someone else liked it! Tee hee) of them and asked me for a part two (which I was gonna do anyway) but now I'm writing it and it's killing me that this might not be as good or as well characterized (and maybe I just needed to toss this into the brothel where my man NW can share with me a new strain and we can fuck the publishing-day scaries away).

Also no, I don't think my regular writing has such Thomas Hardy-esque (read fucking long ass) sentences lol. Actually, if you need to call me something...that... Thomas Hardy-esque. I probably deserve that lmao.

LMAO night walks has a strain for everything.

Ok Thomas Hardy anon, I'll let you in on my secret, which is having a pretty bad track record at predicting what will and won't be a hit, to the point where anxiety about it is meaningless. IDK how many times I've thought "this is too much, no one's gonna be into this lol oh well" and people were more into it than other stuff. or "why am I ruining this with ___ and i cant stop myself?" and I still did it bc it felt right for the character and the ___ is like people's favorite part. On the flip side there have been follow-up fics where I thought it was hot but it felt like most people just stopped reading the series lol like night walks late night dip (but he kinda recovered with the next one). I guess it's most important that it feels right to you. I know if I don't like something I can scrap/start over or overhaul it into one I really like before sharing. And if it's just not happening, maybe he doesn't wanna be written, the key thots might come easier some other time, like when I least expect it and often when I'm trying to work on something else 😐 but then it feels so right 🤡

[chelseasdagger]

i'm not sure if you're a taylor swift fan or not but i was just scrolling my dash and someone asked the question of whether 'tolerate it' by her was matt or frank-coded. and i was thinking about it and it's giving... like if frank from your teacher series and reader had some angst, like they had some relationship problems like, 'i wait by the door like i'm just a kid' / 'you're so much older and wiser' / 'if it's all in my head tell me now, tell me i've got it wrong somehow' (bc reader seems to be like anxious (so me)). it all screams them if their relationship went wrong, ALSO 'i made you my temple, my mural, my sky' reader i feel like ADORES frank an insane amount and if that relationship ended badly?? god she would be SO HURT

anyway, i just had the thought in my head and needed to share <3 (sorry)

i just so happen to be a taylor swift fan and i need you to know that you NEVER have to apologize for coming to talk to me through here and ESPECIALLY never when it’s about my fics, i adore any and all feedback/ideas when it comes to my stories!!

i’ll also have you know that tolerate it is one of my FAVORITE songs she’s written but i can’t listen to it often because i cry every time. as someone who over analyzes and has so much emotion and knows deep down that i’ll never receive the same amount of love as i give out that song HITS so hard and i’m a big ball of mess when that song comes on but i never have the strength to stop it!!

but ruby i’m actually sitting here about to cry cause i cannot believe you took something so beautiful and related it to my silly little story 🥺 i adore that song and i feel like that would fit them SO well should something bad happen between them. those lyrics you pointed out in particular are a really good highlight to reader’s anxiety when it comes to the whole thing, something i wanted to still keep a thread of throughout the series because she’s supposed to be like me and be crazy anxious. i’m glad she’s relatable, but i also hate that you know the feeling

reader definitely has feelings for frank and this next chapter i’m only going to turn the dial up some more. i kinda expected her to fall hard and fast (like me) and then have her try to struggle with calming herself down, and beginning all the questions of if frank cares about her that way or not. i’ve wanted to do some angst in this story, cause i adore the feeling my heart gets when i read really great angst fics, but i just am such a crybaby i don’t wanna have my characters sad CKSKDKSK i hope i can sprinkle in some low-stakes angst that a few friends had recommended i try out to cause tension but not do too much harm

but oh my gosh, you have no idea how high of a compliment this is to me. i adore that song, i adore taylor’s writing and i want to be able to tell stories and phrase things like she does when i grow older :’) thank you SO so much for sharing, this has been the highlight of my week. i love you 🩵

[shkika]

I'm starting to think this is making yur wrist WORSE with all the typing /lhj also also also type as long as you'd like its so fun reading it all

Anyway that makes a lot of sense actually like.,.,,..wow man rainworld is really?? Sad when you think about it god

I wonder if moon felt any sort of obligation to be how she was towards fp aside from being the big sister etc, like maybe bc he was built to like carry her population something like that I think its silly how she spoke so badly of the ancients but then when fp ends up doing something she's so much more like understanding I guess it shows how much she does really care

Maybe her anger is driven more towards what she could have done herself alongside being mainky the ancients..She seems the type imo like......maybe she should have started the communications faster or maybe if she had done more he wouldnt have felt the need to work with the rot in the first place or maybe that she didnt even really figure something was terribly terribly wrong in the first place?? Itd be cool I think if she was only so patient with fp actually like...... she was faster to stop forgiving with other iterators or anything really, but I think as you said way earlier she'd just be a little passive aggressive or something and that'd be enough for her probably

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT THE ROT BEING GOSSIP MATERIAL that must've messed pebbles up like so so SOO bad. Like first off he failed he did what he never wanted to do and then it just gets spread around?? As conversation?? Like wow. Wow wow wow thanks I guess. Ok.

Speaking of suns too I wonder do they regret telling pebbles (someone highly impressionable at this point in time and someone looking for ADVICE) the whole bug situation, like it feels as if they were kind of just venting out some of their own frustrations rather than truly truly meaning it but then again suns is such an odd creature why are you so mean to this guy he looks up to you so much be NORMAL

On a much lighter note though his intrigue(special interest/j) with the history and like poetry the ancients had is so silly I think I wonder would he have ever rambled about it to others like more in depth than what he tells artificer

Hopefully not!! I really need these lazy hands to work!! bahah

I’m having fun you’re aall good ^^

I have a lot of hcs about Moon I’d like to explore in an ask blog I hopefully open soon >> especially her relationship with ancients, her group and five pebbles in particular hoopefully. She’s a really mild person, because of the way she carries herself, but has a lot to her character. At least I like to hc her that way!

She does feel responsibility over Pebbles, but I doubt she ever blames herself for the situation which they ended up in. I also doubt the responsibility felt forced to her!

Or well I at least enjoy the hc that she loves thinking herself as a big sister! She likes to dote on people and help out when she can. Though her approach does end up being one where she holds your hand a lot (not for proud iterators oops!!!!)

Also passive agressive moon…? yes…. just yes. we deal with anger by looking at you wrong bahahah

The rot was gossip material it is very upsetting!! but a little funny! Not to mention how iterators reffered to Pebbles I found myself snickering. “The near Looks to the Moon” like alright sheesh. People also tried to contact poor Pebbles i think! Not just his local group! Imagine how stressful that is.

Suns feels like that one nihilistic atheist guy with a big ego who overshares his opinions a lot and thinks the world sucks and has like unchecked anxiety.

But that’s probably just me hehe. I think Suns and Pebbles had fun being hateful little goons and then Srs dropped his depressing opinions which.. aren’t even fully wrong. Isn’t it sad. Pebbles ended up exactly in the way which srs described. Something he was so afraid of he gave himself the rot over </3

Suns is a silly goon to me. A critter I contain in my jar.

And yes!! I’d love to know what more Pebbles has to say about art and culture! Mmmm more content please yum yum!! His painting analysis was super cute.

[ladytauria]

hey liv sorry in advance i am nosy

🍓🐇🧃🪐🍬🦷🦋🦴🪲

dont be sorry! i enjoy nosy uwu

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

hmm

i was 12. my favorite tv show at the time was this old disney cartoon, "super robot monkey team hyper force go" (abbreviated as SRMTHFG or SRMTHG. i prefer the first but plenty of people use the second.) it was canceled after its 4th season and, uh. the ending was SO bad. like, major major cliffhanger.

anyway, i was looking up... i don't even remember at the time. and i discovered deviantart, and i discovered this person's OCs. read a lot about them, including some fanfic, and then eventually discovered fanfiction.net

i didn't realize what it was at first; i thought it was just a writing in general site? and i was like oh! i can share the book i'm working on! (i have been trying to write a novel since i was 10). and then as i was looking into where i would post it, i realized what it actually was. (no, the title didn't give it away. idk why.)

so then i was like oh!!! this is really cool actually!!! and i wrote my first fanfic xD

that was in 2011? so i was 12, almost 13.

and i've been reading & writing fic ever since~

🐇 ⇢ do you prefer writing original characters, reader inserts, or a mix of both?

okay so this is a tough question

bc like

i love love love love love second person.

like.

*adore* it.

second person, present tense is my absolute fave, but past tense is good too. (i have written an entire sapphic little mermaid retelling [12k words i think] in second person. uh, it needs revisions but it's a full draft. i opened it it the other day and im still so proud of it uwu)

howEVER. outside of writing second person w/o ever explicitly naming the pov character i have not actually written a reader-insert? so for that reason alone i will have to say 'prefer writing oc's'

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

uhh

hm

i'm a chronic oversharer (mostly in the tags) so that's kind of tough!

ah! since my grandmother's memory issues started, i've been doing about half of the cooking (it's been a bit of a battle, as she keeps trying to do everything xD) and i've cooked a lot of new things this year!! i've gotten very good at cooking pork chops. which 🤔 now that i bring that up, i might make friday! or tonight, but they're still in the freezer, so...

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

my grandmother's memory situation has improved a lot!! it's still not great, but like. strides ahead of where we were 7-8 months ago!

my anxiety has been much kinder to me this year <3 i've made some very lovely friends this year~

mmm, oH, my energy levels have been fantastic this year. i didn't realize just how bad they had gotten until i started these new meds, and now i'm just. <333 much better.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

hm

idk if i have any unpopular opinions...? i mean. i'm sure i must, but... nothing immediately comes to mind ^^;

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

hmmm

recently been trying to get in the habit of summarizing what i want to do before i start writing. it makes the process much easier, if ik a bit about what i want to do before going in?

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

i am much better at being patient than i ever gave myself credit for in the past <3

🦴 ⇢ is there a piece of media that inspires your writing?

i can't think of one piece in particular, as the places i find inspiration are. all over the board?

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here

picked a wip from my open tabs at random! funnily enough this is also the one i ended up doing for the emoji ask xD

it's also almost triple what this asked for but once i started writing i couldn't stop <3

He swallows, staring up at Tim. Jason has had plenty of practice reading people through a domino, but. He has no reference for the look Tim is giving him now. Only that it— That the feeling it gives him is… is new and strange. He has no name for it, the way his stomach feels fluttery and tight, his scalp and fingers tingling. His mouth opens—but all that escapes is a stuttery puff of air. That’s okay. He doesn’t know what he was going to say anyway. Tim hooks a gloved finger under his chin; tipping his face up. He leans in, slowly—so slow that Jason— There’s nothing keeping him there. He could run. Turn away. But he feels caught, feet anchored in place. Tim’s mouth touches his, and all thought leaves him. Jason has never been kissed before.

[ writers truth or dare ask game ]

[ninasbooknook]

vent post 🫶🏼 (tw skin picking, ocd, anxiety, mention of blood)

2 weeks ago i started taking adhd medication. this is my first time on this type of medication so i expected some new side effects but i feel like my mental health has changed sort of drastically since i started taking them. i have had a past of OCD traits but i have never been tested. i have an anxiety disorder and i haven’t been fully diagnosed but i am taking medication for that and my depression.

so my anxiety has spiked since taking the adhd medication. before the medication i was actually doing really well with anxiety and depression. i hadn’t had that general anxiety feeling in a long time. and then it came back. yk that feeling where you feel anxious/worried but you don’t have anything in particular that you’re worried about? that’s what i mean by “general anxiety feeling”. so that was one of the first signs of my anxiety spiking bc it was just there. i could sense it. next was the nausea. i have different feelings of nausea and i have been able to label all of them over the years. the nausea i have been feeling is my well known anxiety nausea. again, there was nothing making me worried. although i was starting to get a little worried around this time because i was really struggling with communication so it was hard to tell people how i was feeling. it’s made my social life really hard. but i wasn’t necessarily overthinking this when i got that anxiety nausea. next was the obsession with my fingers. i could not stop picking the skin around my nails. i hate the little bits of skin that stick out. it looked bad and it made me uncomfortable somehow. so i’d pick it. and i’d pick it again and again until all my fingers had scabs/infection or were bleeding. i felt so bad. i didn’t want to keep picking but i couldn’t help it. even though it made me feel worse for picking my skin, it make me feel a bit better. it relieves some of the anxiety. that’s how i felt at least. it was a distraction from the things around me. i realised i actually liked the pain sometimes. this worried me. i’m not the type of person that hurts themselves as a coping mechanism. but the pain felt good. like i deserved it.

i started using the app “i am sober”. it’s been sort of helpful. so today i was so close to reaching the 3rd day milestone. i was so proud of myself. at school i planned with my bf to go to his house. one, because i love hanging out with him and two, i never feel anxious at his house and atm i’ve been opting for the “stress-free” option ofc. turns out i couldn’t come over. i was really disappointed but i sucked it up and went home. me and my bf were kind of pissed and i felt like he was a bit annoyed at me which didn’t make me feel any better (he wasn’t annoyed at me btw). i get home and i remember that i broke a nail at school and my nails are uneven now. as much as i’ve been trying to avoid going anywhere near my finger nails, i realise my finger nails are getting in the way of my mouse pad giving my finger tips a weird feeling.

fast forward 3 hours. i spent 3 fucking hours, trimming, cutting and filing my nails. i picked at the sides of my fingers with the nail clippers trying to remove any dead skin that might show up later (which i hate). i attempted to remove my cuticles because i just couldn’t get them even. i picked at the side of one of my fingers so much it began to bleed. i hated myself. i realised then that i’d lost my streak of not picking my skin. i had been doing so well and then i ruin it all. which is untrue, i didn’t really ruin it all. but that’s how i felt. still, i kept picking. it had been around 2 hours and i hadn’t even finished a whole hand of fingers. by 3 hours i’d completed one hand. the only thing that stopped me from continuing my picking was the call that dinner was being served and after dinner my bf called me. he knew i wasn’t ok. i wanted to leave the call but he begged me to stay. i can’t say no to him. the feeling that i need to finish the other hand is still lingering in the back of my mind but i don’t want to upset or disappoint my bf.

tonight i felt like hurting myself. there were scissors on my bed i used on my nails earlier. i imagined what it would feel like on my skin. i hate myself for admitting that i was going to hurt myself if my bf wasn’t on the phone with me at the time. i pray i wouldn’t have been brave enough to do it anyway. i felt like i deserved it. to be in pain.

anyways my lovely bf made me feel better just be being there. we didn’t talk, he listened to me and when i stopped talking we sat in silence. but he was there and that’s what matters. if we wasn’t there i might have done something id extremely regret. i also think i might have had a panic attack if he wasn’t there to calm me down. i love him 🫶🏼

i realised later that when i wanted to go to my bf's house it was like my body was warning me that the anxiety was going to be bad. that the picking was going to be bad. it's not bad at his house so my brain wanted to go there. maybe i'm reading into this too much but the way i felt when i realised ii couldn't go to his house wasn't just disappointment. it was worry and stress. i felt like i needed to go to his house.

if you read all of this, bless your heart 😭🫶🏼 if you have any similar experiences or thoughts on this lmk!! could this be ocd or is it something else?

｡ﾟﾟ･｡･ﾟﾟ｡ ﾟ。 - nina's book nook 　ﾟ･｡･ﾟ

[radiovisual]

are you going to come back?

((I keep telling myself im going to, but im not sure. Im especially unhappy with how this blog was written and how it looks at the moment, bc theres a lot of things id Want to change before getting back into rp here, but I have no energy or motivation to do so 😔 my art block from last year is Still ongoing, im still deeply fixated on other fandoms, and VERY recently I had an epiphany of some kind and haven't been able to stop paying attention to the news, bc anxieties about what's happening in Gaza/the West Bank, Sudan, and Chile, and not to mention this next American presidential election, have me reassessing my priorities in life, ykwim?))

((Im still around technically, i wont be deleting this blog or anything, im just in kind of a tough spot, mentally+emotionally+physically, and that makes it hard to get reinvested in something like this.))

((There's also the factor of... feeling rather restricted in this community. It's not any particular person or group of ppls fault, people are entitled to feel however they want around fictional subjects and themes, but i know that the types of things that i like to write and rp are dark and mature, and this fandom [despite the Nature of the show itself and the topics it covers] tends to attract a lot of very aggressive, very judgemental people -- as im sure youre all aware 😂 i found some friends here, but even still, a lot of the time i know i Can't get into the kind of stuff i ACTUALLY want to write, because most of the ppl in this community would [at least, way back when,] assume that That kind of writing means I'm a bad, dangerous person who wants to engage with those themes in real life 🙃. Which isn't to say anyone is Wrong for avoiding me if darker themes trigger them, by all means PLEASE block me for your sanity if thats what you have to do!! but when most all of those Exact Themes are LITERALLY, graphically present in the show, now, it's like. Idk man whats going on! Why are you here! if sexually abusive relationships bother these fans so much, then Why are they in THIS fandom of all places instead of somewhere tangibly Safer for their sanity, yk???))

(( i don't know. Maybe im just a brat, but ive always felt a little put out by the Hazbin community online. Its extremely self policing and isolating trying to find people i can feel comfortable talk to about my ideas, so ive kind of... given up and moved on, found a nice group of Freaks to be perverted about the Avatar sequel instead lmao))

((So... idk. I guess we'll see. But im very sorry it may have been wishful thinking when i said id come back. I really, truly meant it at the time -- things just changed 💔, both in me And in the community. And maybe theyll change again, idk!but i Do know there's people in this overarching Hazbin Tumblr RP community who don't like me very much (which is Okay), and I don't want to force myself to walk on eggshells anymore -- so I'm won't💪😎))

((I adored my time here while i was active, whuch it why i wont delete it -- i go back to re read threads all the time! -- but unless there's a group of sexual weirdos developing that i could fall in with AND I can find a way to balance this with the rest of my life, im still gonna be on this indefinite hiatus 💀👍 sorry))

((Btw -- Palestinians are in desperate need of e-SIMs to keep in touch with their loved ones and to organize humanitarian aid within the Gaza strip itself -- if any of you have a few spare dollars, please consider getting involved. I know the news is very quiet rn, especially if you're in America like me, but let me make this very clear; We are. kind of sort of Already IN World War Three. Russia and China and the global south are finally starting to hold the west accountable and the west is failing a shitting its pants about it Spectacularly. The world order is literally shifting. There's not one, but SEVERAL major international conflicts brewing right now, as America is sliding into fascism at break neck speed bc Genocide Joe is finally realizing he's probably not going to get re-elected [on account of all the genocide] on TOP of finally seeing the tangible effects of climate change. South America and Australia are on FIRE. Like NEVER before.))

((Never Again is Now. We could be going over the temperature "tipping point" of the planet BY 2030. now is NOT the time to be wallowing in escapism, no matter how much we desperately need/want it. If there is EVER a time to get involved with the real world and to take a step back from the internet and high stress fandom bullshit, it is NOW. No matter what Side of these issues you stand on, EVERYONE needs to be voting, everyone needs to be paying attention.))

(( if you can't afford esims [no shame, i often can't either, money is tight everywhere], then at the very least get This website open in your tabs. It generates revenue with free Daily clicks, the proceeds of which are all sent to UN organizations -- particularly UNRWA, which is VITAL to maintain not only getting aid INTO Gaza, but also retaining Palestinians legal right to return to their land -- without UNRWA, Isreal can begin to LEGALLY, haphazardly "deport" Palestinians, which would take YEARS to reverse through future court proceedings. Do your part, it only takes a few seconds a day 💪🌱))

((Alright, thats all! Sorry if you wanted a short sweet answer, but ive actually been ruminating on all of this, so thank you for this ask, for giving me a chance to talk about it all. Im happy to see this community thriving in the wake of Season 1, even if im not joining in myself -- you all keep up the great work, and keep having fun with it ❤ let it empower you to explore the value of Charlie's message and think of ways to impliment it in your daily life And on the world at large‼))

[tsubasabasahazard]

Pretending tumblr is therapy

[tw: anxiety, depression, don’t read unless you wanna hear abt my boring life] 

okay so I’m having an anxiety attack right now, but I don’t have a therapist or friends to talk to (abt this particular issue) so I’m gonna unload here, specially cause I need to get better asap and go back to studying. 

you see, I don’t know if I told you but I started an internship two months ago, on a factory that makes bike parts, as a translator, japanese translator, so yeah I work translating documents and translating convo for some people between japanese and brazilians. at first I was excited and afraid, but more excited, after all I loved the opportunity to learn more while also making some money. two months passed. 

after the first month and first salary I wasn’t that happy already, and I was already thinking that 6months would be more than enough (they could hire me for at least 2years and 6months is the minimum) and was already counting the days. after talking to a few classmates who also worked as interns (not translation) in factories they said my company was one of the worsts, the pay was really low and the work was too much. and I was still like, okay I can take it, let’s just get through 6months and then I’m out. 

but anxiety got waaay worse on the second month, I woke up and went to sleep extremely anxious, sleep was already bad and it got worse, I always felt tired af even after sleeping for at least 6hours, btw my schedule was: waking up at 6-6h30, go get the bus at 8h45 (i take my time having breakfast thnx to adhd) get to work at 9h15, have 1h break from 11h30 to 12h30, then 15min break from 15h30 to 15h45, get out at 16h45, get to college at 17h30, get to class at 18h, get home by 22h45 or 21h45, go to sleep around midnight or later. I even got sick in the second week. oh well, back to second month. 

I was already overwhelmed with internship, college and living alone with my friend, when my dad decided to stop by for two days, he lives in another town, whenever he comes here I get even more anxious, it’s a family thing. he went to see my sisters in another state, came back a week later after fighting with them and only told me 6hrs before he got here and I had to pick him up at the airport at 1am. two days more of pure anxiety. 

the month was ending and I have tests and seminars now that december started. I haven’t been able to study for a single day even on weekends since college started bcs I’m always too tired from work. I also started having classes on some saturdays, on other staurdays i had work bcs we needed to pay for the days we would stay home thanx to soccer (this is brazil after all 8-D). so yeah, sundays turned to pure hell, free days in the middle of the week only made it all worse to my biological fucked up clock. 

I stayed home on the last day of november after taking my dad to his boat home. then I overslept the next day and said I had some personal business to take care. and damn I like this day. I could sleep a bit more, I got up and did some studying, then I went to college early and studied there too, until I met my friends for dinner. then we had class. oh yeah, class, specially this one, Japanese II, I started hating it in the first month of internship. it used to be my favorite class. I couldn’t stand it on this day, even tho my spirits were just fine. and this is why I’m writing this today. 

I have a test in 8 days, japanese II, it’s usually a very long test and I really need to study kanji cause I suck at it. I sat down today (after hours of procrastinating) and after writing down half of the kanji i need to study, I started having anxiety, very hard anxiety, I started shaking and my hands and feet got cold, at every stroke or every read I would hate it more, I hated every second of studying for half an hour. 

Now let me resume how I feel abt studying japanese. I love it (or loved). I started when I was 14 and loved it ever since, I got depression and after trying to get back to college I realized the only thing that could keep me there would be to study smth I Loved. and damn was I right. I simply LOVED my first two semesters, was super excited for the 3rd one, no matter how hard it got, it was FUN. 

I hate it now. I feel like it’s killing me. I feel depression creeping in closer every day. and god that is one of the scariest feelings I’ve ever felt. no my depression is not cured or being treated. I don’t have the money, even with the internship. but it was under control just fine for two semesters. now it’s loose and looking for me like a hungry wolf.

So anyway, I tried talking to people about this. but you see, I’m the happy go duck type of person. nobody takes me fucking serious unless I start crying and shaking and shit. it’s always been like this. but there’s another problem. I don’t cry that easily. not for me. I’m a total crybaby when it comes to fiction, gurl I start crying just from listening to love like you thinking abt TGCF. but crying in front of people? that’s a weakness I was not allowed to have, and I locked it up deep inside. imo it’s almost a talent at this point, how much I can hold back tears no matter how bad I feel, no matter how scared I am of my own thoughts of hurting myself. 

It hit me yesterday that no one is going to be on my side, when my oldest bff told me I was being a crybaby for wanting to quit the internship, “money is money”, then I explained to her how bad it was and she just said “hmnm”. my bff who lives with me? said she’ll beat me up if I leave it, we need the money, life has been to hard to give up on this money. my dad? he said “do what you think best, we will do smth abt it (money)” (in a tone of “we have no money, you should just hang in there”). 

and well, I guess I’ve been too privileged my whole life, people just don’t think I’m having a hard time no matter how much I say I’m having a hard time, it’s like everyone looks at me and goes “it’s hard for you bcs you’ve never known true hardship”. and I know that’s bullshit, I know hardship is not something to be compared. I also know I’m privileged as fuck! so what is the truth? who’s right? what am I supposed to do? like SHINee says, TELL ME WHAT TO DO. 

you know what’s worst? this internship is the first time my course got an opportunity to work with industries, it could open doors to all my peers and my cute juniors, also the lead teacher said “you have a huge responsibility in your back, don’t fuck it up”. so yeah, no pressure lol. 

if you read this until here you can comment smth or just move on, I don’t really care. you can’t say stuff like “ask for help” tho, I already did several times during my years of depression, no one could do shit for me, I know what the people around me can do for me, none of it will help me right now.

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

I suspect quite a few people on this site don’t realize they are struggling with the effects of chronic trauma. In particular I think more people need to learn about the symptoms of C-PTSD.

Distinct from general PTSD, Complex PTSD is caused by prolonged, recurring stress and trauma, often occurring in childhood & adolescence over an extended period of time. There are many risk factors, including: abusive/negligent caregivers, dysfunctional family life, untreated mental/chronic illness, and being the target of bullying/social alienation.

I’m not a mental health professional and I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I just remember a million watt light bulb going off in my head when I first learned about C-PTSD. It was a huge OH MY FUCKING WORD eureka moment for me—it explained all these problems I was confused and angry at myself for having. The symptoms that really stood out to me were:

Negative self-perception: deep-seated feelings of shame, guilt, worthlessness, helplessness, and stigma. Feeling like you are different from everyone else, like something is fundamentally ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with you.

Emotional avoidance of topics, people, relationships, activities, places, things etc that might cause uncomfortable emotions such as shame, fear, or sadness. Can lead to self-isolation.

Learned helplessness: a pervasive sense of powerlessness, often combined with feelings of desensitization, wherein you gradually stop trying to escape or prevent your own suffering, even when opportunities exist. May manifest as self-neglect or self-sabotage. (I remember watching myself make bad choices and neglect my responsibilities, and having no idea why I was doing it, or how to stop myself. Eventually I just stopped caring, which led to more self-neglect.)

Hyper-vigilance: always feeling “on edge,” alert, unable to relax even in spaces that should feel safe. May be combined with an elevated “flight” response, or feelings of always being prepared to flee. (I used to hide important documents and possessions in a sort of emergency go bag, even when I was living alone and there was no logical reason other than it made me feel “prepared.”)

Difficulty regulating emotions: may include mood swings, persistent numbness, sadness, suicidal idealization, explosive anger (or inability to feel anger and other strong emotions), inability to control your emotions, confusion about why you react the way you do.

Sense of foreshortened future: assuming or feeling that you will die young. Recurring thoughts that "I'll be dead before the age of 30/40/18/21 etc." As a teenager I used to joke darkly that I didn't plan to live past 30—not because I planned to end my life, but because I simply couldn't imagine myself alive and happy in the long-term. I couldn't imagine a meaningful future where I wasn't suffering.

Emotional flashbacks: finding yourself suddenly re-experiencing feelings of helplessness, panic, despair, or anger etc, often without understanding what has triggered these feelings. Often these flashbacks don’t clearly relate to the memory of a single event (since C-PTSD is caused by repetitive events, which can blur together), making them harder to identify as flashbacks—especially if you’ve never heard the phrase “emotional flashback” and don’t know what to look for. For years I just filed it under “sometimes I overreact/freak out randomly for no reason, probably bc I am just a terrible human being.” (It turns out there was very much a reason, it was just hidden in the past. I have since learned to be kinder and less judgemental towards myself.)

There are other symptoms too, here are more links with good info.

I’ve been meaning to write this post for awhile, because I’ve noticed that a lot of the people I interact with online have risk factors and experiences similar to mine. These include:

growing up in a dysfunctional household

having caregivers who do not fulfill basic emotional needs (do not provide consistent positive attention, encouragement, support, acceptance, communication, a sense of safety and security)

on a very related note, experiencing neglect or abuse at the hand of caregivers or other adults. I also want to emphasize the significance of emotional abuse, since it is hard to recognize, easy to ignore, and utterly rampant in so many communities. In general, family dysfunction, abuse & neglect are quite difficult to identify when you are a child/teen and that is the only “normal” you have known.

(For example, in my family it manifested as an emotionally absent father I was vaguely frightened of, constant nagging from a hypercritical mother, and a house full of people who yelled and screamed at each other. It took me years to realize I grew up in an abusive environment, because there was no physical violence, because I participated in the fighting, and because my behavioral problems made me the family scapegoat. And I internalized that guilt: I thought I was the problem. But no—I was a child, and I deserved not to grow up in a household full of anger and fear and negativity. You deserved that too. You deserved to grow up safe and loved and treated with kindness.) 

anyway back to more risk factors:

being neurodivergent or chronically ill (especially without receiving proper treatment/support/accommodation)

being queer (especially in a conservative or undiverse community, or without the support and acceptance of family & friends)

being the target of bullying or harassment (from peers, teachers, authority figures, irl, online, etc)

being isolated or alienated from peers, from family, from your wider community.

growing up with chronic anxiety, discomfort, pain, fear, or distress caused by any of the above and more.

There are many other experiences that can cause chronic trauma, but these are some particularly common ones I see people in my own community struggling with. And I want more people to be aware of this, because we’ve been taught to ignore and second-guess the significance of our traumatic experiences. We’ve been taught to feel guilty for our own pain, because “other people aren’t struggling, so I shouldn’t either” or (contradictorily) “other people have it worse, so I shouldn’t complain.” But that’s not how it works—you are not other people, and you deserve to have it better. We all deserve better. We deserve to be happy. We deserve not to be in pain.

I used to think I couldn’t have a trauma disorder because (I argued in my head) the things that happened to me weren’t that bad. And then I spent five years in therapy learning to accept the full extent of my issues. I’ve since learned that trauma comes in many forms, and can happen quietly, invisibly, silently, chronically, and usually without the survivor being aware of the long-term repercussions of what they are surviving. That revelation comes later, after you have survived and must instead learn to live.

Finally, no single type of trauma is more real or harmful than any other. Severity is measured by the way the individual is affected, and the same situations affect different people in different ways. Because no one gets to choose how their brain reacts to trauma. No one gets to choose their hurt—otherwise there would be a hell of a lot less hurting in the world.

We can, however, choose to seek help. We can learn to recognize when something is wrong, we can learn when to reach out to professionals, and we can learn to educate ourselves on our injuries.

And gradually, we can learn to heal.

(posts like this brought to you by ko-fi supporters)

[slexenskee]

Re: Does Shouto have his scar/what happened to Rei in May Death Never Stop You

TL;DR - Shouto does not have his scar but Rei is still in the hospital. Okay and now for the long version -

So we don’t know the specifics of Rei’s mental disorders in canon, but judging from her actions I imagine there’s a whole laundry list of cluster a, b, and c disorders in there to certain degrees. For this fic I’m assuming her particular cocktail is bipolar disorder (mania and depression) with psychotic features (delusions, hallucinations), avoidant/dependent disorders, PPD and generalized anxiety. 

Rei’s first born is a really weird fucking baby. He’s basically an alien. He doesn’t really cry or make much noise, and he has a terribly unnerving and unblinking stare. Sometimes it seems like he just sees right through her, judging her and finding her wanting and deciding to dismiss her from his perception of reality. Or at least that’s how she sees it - is it actually? No because Gojo’s awareness hasn’t even come in yet, but the whole ‘old soul in a new body’ is still making him a weird infant. Also the whole body/soul thing in JJK is very ??? which means its possible Gojo’s soul has always been in his body, and so has his cursed energy (even if his 6 eyes and his awareness didn’t fully manifest until he was about 4 or so), so even in utero he would have had cursed energy, and who knows how that would react in the body of a human without any cursed energy to speak of? In JJK even normal humans have trace amounts of cursed energy even if they can’t see curses, which would explain how sorcerers come from non-sorcerer families. But MHA has zero cursed energy, and the 6 eyes have evolved to see quirk energy. Idk what that would do to Rei, but nothing good, I imagine. I wouldn’t say her mental issues are entirely Gojo’s fault, since a lot of that is hereditary and environmental, but it certainly didn’t help. 

In a normal person it would probably give mood swings, more depressive episodes, and other symptoms that we’ve seen in JJK for normal people who are unknowingly cursed - anxiety, sudden nervousness, bad dreams, that kind of stuff. But because Rei already had plenty of undiagnosed mental health disorders, it sort of compounded everything. 

Rei is already under pressure just by the nature of her marriage, which I head-canon as her agreeing to by pure technicality of the legal definition of ‘consent’, but in reality was very much so caused by the pressure her parents, society and endeavor himself was exerting on her. Basically she made herself believe it was what she wanted because everyone else seemed to think it was the smart choice - marry a rich and handsome famous hero who has offered to take care of your family and you financially for the rest of your days, in a society that’s already misogynistic? I imagine her friends in school and just everyone in her everyday life even beyond her parents was putting pressure on her, maybe not intentionally, but exerting their opinions on her nonetheless. 

This is a lot of stress and environmental pressure for everyone, but again Rei already had BPD and was more susceptible to these kinds of changes, and never got the help she needed to deal with any of it. In line with cultural values, it probably never occurred to her to voice her struggles aloud or seek help for them.

She’s alone, suffering under undiagnosed PPD, can’t bond with her baby in any capacity, feels like a failure, and it’s just a huge spiral that gets worse and worse until it eventually breaks. 

I imagine she didn’t start having more violent/hysteric attributes to her psychotic features until this point in her life, and they would have scared her. I have to imagine this is canon, bc otherwise I don’t know how she ended up going from a mild woman to having a violent episode and scarring Shouto. 

She’s also not taking any medication whatsoever, and has never been diagnosed or seen a doctor for her mental health issues. Untreated BPD is basically a recipe for disaster in this instance, but instead of harming her children like in canon, the coin flipped on the other side and she acted on her depressive side and not her manic one, and she makes an attempt on her own life instead. Frankly its unrealistic that she hadn’t injured anyone else in one of her manic episodes beforehand, like a maid or one of her own kids, but that’s where the avoidant distorder comes in, as she’s always been more of a recluse and more likely to hurt herself in a manic episode than someone else. But anyway this is enough to finally get psychiatric help involved. 

Again, in canon she’s seen to be pretty cordoned off from life and has been in a psych ward for most of Shouto’s life - that wouldn’t make sense unless she had pretty uncontrollable violent tendencies and exhibited an inability to deal with stressors in regular life, so I have to imagine her particular cocktail of disorders is extreme and was probably already there and got worse due to the environmental factors of her marriage. 

 To be specific I’ve slotted her psych ward admittance into the timeline to be right around the time that Gojo confronts Endeavor in the dojo. Honestly maybe even like a week or two before it. At that point in time Gojo is spending like 80% of his time away from his own house and honestly has no idea it even happened. In his POV in ch1 he mentions how odd it is that Rei isn’t in the house when he stops by because she’s always there, then he’s distracted when he notices Endeavor and Shouto. 

[magicpumpkin3]

hey you i see your req are open ? if you have time , can you write about reader ( female or gender natural ) who always act cold and strong in front of other but one day the dorm leader see her crying in the sleep . they like having a nightmares about the dorm leader leaving them and sleep talk about begging them to stay ?

i am sorry if this is too long .

Note: I went through seven stages of grief while writing this. And the crazy part, I have no idea why! (Prob BC of the art/writing block).

Note№2: I sincerely apologize for the delay. But at last, most of my finals are over and I hope my will to live and create will return (and NOT at 3 AM!)

Riddle Rosehearts

He honestly didn't know you fell asleep. You were staying in his room, listening to him, rambling about his dorm members not understanding the importance of rules.

He stopped rambling as soon as you let out a small sob. Slowly turning his head towards you, to make sure he didn't mishear it, Riddle looks at you. Another sob leaves you followed shortly by a hitched inhale. He's momentarily at your side. Riddle isn't quite sure what to do. He knows for sure, he needs to wake you up. While he attempts to do so, you start crying even more, particular shacking from the amount of tears.

Riddle stills when he hears you call out for him. Never have he ever imagined you, of all people calling for him. It's unusual for you to show such deep emotions to anyone so poor thing is absolutely lost at what to do again. He had similar nightmares too (not to the point of years though), so he understands your fear.

He attempts to comfort you in your sleep, since he could wake you up. Riddle hugs you and whispers reassuring things and lot's of "I'll never leave you"s. He'll never mention it to anyone but he will talk about this with you for sure.

Leona Kingscholar

It was one of the many sleepless nights for Leona. He usually listened to your heart to fall asleep faster, feeling safe and loved. Laying on top of you, using you as a pillow, it always helped.

Leona is no stranger to nightmares, quiet the opposite actually. But never did he imagen that you will have one. In front of him. There isn't a lot of people who would understand you, lucky for you, Leona is one of a few, who understand. He trys to wake you up at first, causing you to cry even more. He's panicking, he has no idea what to do. You're always so cold, calm and quiet one of the many reasons why he likes to sleep near you.

Once Leona hears your cry for him, beginning him, to stay. He stills, not believing his ears. He had similar nightmares about you, leaving him. You were always there to comfort him when those night terrors came, so he does the same for you.

He cuddles you, pat's your head, running his fingers through your hair and says probably the sweetest things you'll ever hear from him. Leona won't mention it to anyone and won't talk with you about it. He will cuddle you more and say encouraging stuff to you in private though.

Azul Ashengrotto

He was in his office, counting contracts, before heading towards his room. He couldn't leave his angelfish waiting! You and Azul made an agreement that whenever he's being late to your 'privet' date, you'd wait for him in his room.

Standing right outside the room, Azul heard faint crying. Momentarily, he enters room, normally he knocks, even though it's his room, privacy is privacy but in this situation, he had to.

Seeing you crying in your sleep, made his personal killbill siren go insane! Usually it was the other way around, you comforting him after another bad dream. So Azul did what you usually did to him, try to wake you up and comfort you.

You let out another cry but with his name. Poor Azul was afraid you were having nightmare about him, hurting you. He was about to push away, when you weekly grabbed onto his arm and pleaded to stay with you, still asleep.

Azul stayed by your side whole night, not daring to fall asleep. Not like he could. Whispering words of love and reassurance, cuddling you, with his whole being, Azul silently cried with you, feeling your pain, like no one else. He won't say a word to anyone but he will talk about your fears and insecurities.

Kalim Al-Asim

He just returned from one of his night flys. Usually he just flys on his carpet whenever he couldn't sleep, thais was one of those nights. As soon as you entered Kalim's room and sat down on his bed, you fell asleep, due to up coming exams. Sunshine boy truly tried to fall asleep with you but he couldn't.

So imagen his suprise, when he heard your crys. You! The ice majesty you! You were like that comical 'polar opposites' couple. If anything, it was most likely him being the crying one then you!

Poor Kalim was panicking half of the time! He was about to call Jamil for help (since vice dorm leader always helped him to calm down in saddest moments) but then he heard your crys for him. You, the always cool and calm, you were calling for him???

Kalim wouldn't even try to wake you up in fear of scaring you even more, instead he'd attempt to comfort you through your sleep. Hugging, cuddling you, pressing gentle kisses here and there. He'd try to stay awake the whole night but unfortunately he falls asleep embracing you. In the morning he's very tempted to ask others for advice but Kalim understands, that it's too personal. He'll be a bit awkward about it (he doesn't know how to approach you when it comes to emotions) but he will talk with you about your nightmares.

Vil Schoenheit

Normally he was the one to fall asleep first but oh well. You did look horribly tired this whole day. Schoenheit was in a good mood, so he decided to have a beauty sleep with you (aka go to sleep at 9 pm).

He was about to fell asleep but was shacken back to the reality with your sobs. At first, he thought it was just his sleepy mind and imagination but when you started to toss around the bed and cry even more aggressively. Vil would usually just knocked some sense into you, to not ruin his beauty sleep but it's not the case.

He isn't the best guy if you need comfort. Especially if he's used to you being cold and calm on the outside (like him). So Vil is really confused on what to do. Logically he'd try to wake you up first and if that fails, he'd still be lost for a good fee seconds. Don't be mad at him, please, he trys his best. Vil would try to hug you and keep you in place, so you wouldn't accidentally hurt yourself, try to calm you, by saying stuff like 'it's okay', 'let it out' and 'sh…I'm here for you'.

When he first heard you cry for him, Vil like Azul thought, he was the cause of your tears. He was about to start to think some really depressing things but then you begged for him to stay. It's like something snapped in him. Vil never thought that you'd be that attached to him. He'd be more 'aggresive' in his calming attempts. More 'I love you's and 'I won't ever leave you's, tightening his embrace and all. He wouldn't talk to anyone about it and he would be hesitant to talk to you about it too. Since he's also an 'ice queen' he tried to think how'd that go through his point of view. But in the end you'd still discussed it.

Idia Shroud

You both were chillaxing in his room. Idia was having one of those long night gaming marathon/sessions and you accidentally fell asleep on his bed. Idia doesn't mind though, he understands that you're probably tired and his bed is comfy!

Before long, he was at max level fighting with the boss and he was about to disintegrate that worthless being- Wait, did he hear it correct? Pushing pause, Idia pushed his headphones a bit. Yep, that was someone crying. Hold on... IT'S JUST YOU AND HIM HERE!!! Remember, I told you about killbill siren in Azul's head? Now THIS is a killbill siren. Idia is panicking his shit out and has no actual idea what to do! His anxiety level has never been so high.

Usually he was the one having nightmares (if you were lucky to catch him asleep) in your couple, so if something you or Ortho were the one to comfort him. Poor Idia, he was on the verge of tears from the panic. He was about to call Ortho for help when he heard your cry for him, his name being chocked out from your trembling body. Hesitant, he would try to wake you up (And miserably failed). Idia will mostly say reassuring words and won't do much physical contact since he's afraid of scaring you even more. He really is worried, don't get me wrong! After that, he would only ask Ortho for the advice (or internet in anon mode). He doesn't want to mess up things even more so he'll be shy asking you about it. You and him will still talk at some point though.

Malleus Draconia

Fae's sleeping schedule is a... wierd thing but it is what it is. Usually Malleus just watches you sleep instead of sleeping himself. So here you were in bed next to him, sleeping peacefully, while Draconia watched you like a hawk.

So when your face started to show the slightest hints of discomfort, he noticed it. And from that moment on, his 'protecting' instincts were acting up. He didn't risk waking you up right away but he git closer to your sleeping form non-theless. He was monitoring everything, starting with what expression does your face makes and ending with your heart beat.

When you let out your first shaky sob, Malleus felt like there's a crack in the floor and it's getting bigger. He had no idea what to do. While he was spacing out and silently panicking, you started to cry even harder. Poor baby, was scared to do anything! He tried to wake you up but you just started crying even harder! Malleus got a heart attack when you cried his name out. Like Azul he thought, he was the reason of your nightmare. The only thought about it made him go to the verge of tears. Malleus was brought back to the reality by you, pleading for him to stay. Mal mal would hug you, whisper promises of being with you forever and try to slowly rock you like a baby to ease your bad dream. He won't mention it to anyone and won't talk with about it. But if it happens again, he'll decently confront you about your nightmares.

[edna-skiffens]

The Best Medicine

Summary: You are in the hospital, but you can never sleep in hospitals. Good thing you have a very attractive night shift nurse who is willing to help out.

Word Count: 4.5K

Warnings: hospitals, light med talk, bad medical writing, fluff

A/N: Please ignore the plot holes or the fact that this isn’t the most realistic and also I know this isn’t how discharge works at the hospital.. It’s called fiction for a reason, darling. Also, I left the reason the reader is in the hospital open ended bc some of us may have medical conditions/reasons that we can attach to this, but if not I tried to keep it vague enough on purpose so that you can imagine whatever. Also if you like Nurse!Tom and have requests for him lmk bc i’m happy to write for him.

Toss and turn. Toss and turn. The routine was getting old. This was your third night in the hospital and sleep just wasn’t coming to you.

Maybe it was the medicine they had you on. Maybe it was the constant symphony of sounds and people passing in the hallway. Maybe it was because you weren’t at home in your own bed.

Maybe it was just because you were in the hospital.

You couldn’t be sure. What you were sure of is that you weren’t falling asleep anytime soon.

Feeling another presence in the room, you looked from the ceiling to the doorway where you saw Tom, one of the night shift nurses, standing cautiously.

“I didn’t wake you did I?” He asked as he eased his way inside.

“Nope.”

“So no sleep again, huh?”

“Nope.”

“Sorry darling. Let’s go ahead and get these vitals over with.” He took your blood pressure, oxygen levels, temperature and wrote it down in your chart. Putting the clipboard back on its hook at the end of the bed, he looked up at your tired face. “Okay. So now about that sleep. What do you think will help?”

“Not being in the hospital.”

He chuckled lightly while walking back towards your bedside.

“I know. You hate it here. You’ve made that very clear and I try not to take too much offense to it.” You let out a slight laugh and held back the fact that he was the best part of this whole experience. He almost made it worth it. “I’m sorry we can’t give you any sleeping medication. Do you think it’ll help if I talk to you?”

“You mean tell me bedtime stories?” You couldn’t help but tease him at the adorable suggestion, though it sent a swarm of butterflies off in your stomach.

“I was thinking more like bore you ‘till you fell asleep. But whatever works.”

“You’re the nurse. If you think it’ll help.” You both sat there smirking at each other for a moment. Something unspoken floating in the air between you two.

“Well, I need to finish my round of vitals first. I’ll come check on you when I’m done and if you’re still up we’ll see about those stories.”

“I’ll be here.”

About fifteen or twenty minutes later you heard a light tap on your door followed by “Still awake?”

“Always.”

“You up for a chat?” Tom asked as he made his way to the stool then rolled slightly closer to your bed.

“Got nothing better to do.” You teased again.

“Okay. Well you should probably lay down.”

“Oh. It’s going to be that kind of story, huh?” His laugh was so beautiful and you were happy you were the cause of it.

“No.” He corrected in between laughs “The goal is to get you to sleep. So sitting up won’t help.”

“Right. Right.”

“Well.. anything in particular you’d like to talk about?”

“Why did you choose to become a nurse?”

“Ahhh. Good question. So I actually went to an art school.” You couldn’t help the brief expression of surprise that crossed your face. “I know. Shocking. I did training specifically in dance and gymnastics and I loved it.”

“Wait, so what happened?” You asked, turning on your side to face him more comfortably.

“Well one day we were rehearsing for a show and I fell. Ruined my knee. Had to do physical therapy for months. I tried to get back into it, but it just wasn’t the same. However, through that process I learned a lot about medicine and the health side of things. It really turned me on to it. And when my Plan A got a bit messed up I thought ‘hey, this could work’. So far it’s treated me pretty well.”

You smiled at Tom, admiring his passion for his career and the determination he had to keep pushing after his accident. You enjoyed hearing him talk about it too. If you didn’t know any better you would say it was helping you relax.

“My story that boring?”

“Obviously.”

“Your sarcasm has no end.”

“Oh… goodness.. you thought that was sarcasm?”

Tom only laughed and shook his head the way he often did with you.

You may just have been his patient and he may have just been your nurse, but you both bonded. He kept you company and gave you comfort. In return, you kept him entertained during the quiet night shifts.

“I’m not going to sleep. I'm just resting my eyes. But still listening.” You told him as you nestled further into the hospital bed, trying to find a position that would make it comfortable.

“Okay, darling.” He grinned at you.

“Tell me more. What kind of-” You had to stop to yawn, “What kind of art stuff did you do?”

“Oh. Well, I was in a few musicals. I really enjoyed dancing. I did ballet ever since I was young and I love the control I have over my body. The tricks I can do with gymnastics or the turns and leaps. I mean I can’t do them to that level anymore, but I try to stay active.” He glanced up and noticed you hadn’t moved, “Are you still with me?”

“Mhm.” You barely respond.

“Okay. Well it was a performing arts school so we really were trained in many areas. We had classes in acting, singing, dancing, all of it. It was a lot of fun and I met my best friends there.”

Tom began telling stories about his time at school. Before he knew it, he lost himself and track of time. He looked back at you, quiet and still.

“Y/N?” You were finally asleep. “Goodnight, darling.” He whispered as he gently made his exit.

Because Tom worked the night shift, you never saw him when you woke in the morning. Instead, Tanya, a sweet nurse that felt like a big sister, or Linda, Nurse Ratched in the flesh, came in for morning vitals and meds.

You counted down the days until your release. Life in the hospital was pretty uneventful with the limit on visitors and limited activity. There’s only so many sitcoms one can take in a given timespan. The only thing that you really looked forward to each night was when Tom clocked in.

“Hi Y/N.”

“Hi Tom.” You would smile at each other.

“How are we feeling today?”

“Better. Ready to get out of here.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear you are feeling better and still ready to jailbreak.” He smiled while writing something down on your chart. “They should be bringing up your dinner tray soon and then I’ll bring by your evening meds after that.”

“Okay.”

“If you need me you know what to do.” He called to you before walking out the door.

You were disappointed when Shelley brought your evening meds by later. She was a nice enough nurse. She just wasn’t Tom.

You’d grown accustomed to mainly having him as your nurse during the evening shift. At first you weren’t sure if it was coincidence or on purpose, but after a few nights of staying up and talking, you grew closer to him. You saw less of the other nursing staff and more of Tom.

You tried not to build anything up in your head. You were sure everything he was doing was in his job description and a part of being a good nurse.

He would sneak you extra pudding cups from the cafeteria and bring you an extra heated blanket because you could never stay warm. If you needed a new IV, he held your hand to ease the anxiety. He kept you company and made you feel less alone in such a sterile and intimidating place. And when he noticed you had trouble sleeping he chose to sit with you to help you fall asleep. You couldn’t help the butterflies that built in your stomach.

It became a sort of routine. He checked on you during evening vitals, even if someone else was doing them, and you were always still awake. He would then come and sit with you and chat for a bit, telling you different stories until you eventually fell asleep.

Some nights when you were extra restless he would help you walk the halls.

“The doctors have to see you’re stable enough before you can be discharged. Plus, maybe it’ll tire you out.” He suggested.

He would help get your IV pole ready so you could walk with it. He helped you into your slippers and eased you out of bed after passing you your robe.

Walking the hall slowly, Tom knew he had to remain professional, yet he found a few excuses to graze his hand across your back to ‘steady you’ when you turned corners or he thought you were looking tired.

“It might take me a while to get back to my usual jogs in the park, huh?” You laughed in spite of yourself.

“You’ll get there. Baby steps.” He encouraged, as you turned around the Nurse’s Station. You missed the faces the other night shift nurses were giving you both, but Tom was sure to subtly flick them off. “So, do you like running?” He asked as you headed back towards your room.

Throughout your late nights together, he told you of his three younger brothers and his dog named Tessa. You spoke about what you would do when you were out of hospital. He talked about his friends and flatmates and the adventures they had. He told you many stories, but each morning when you woke up he was clocked out and the day shift nurses were there.

Tonight was your last night. You’re set to be discharged tomorrow and while you are ecstatic to go home, you’re going to miss one thing about this place.

“I bet you’re too excited to sleep tonight. I don’t know if my stories will even help.” Tom said as he sat down next to you.

You smiled up to him sweetly.

“What are you looking forward to the most once you get out of here?”

“Sleeping in my own bed.”

“Well that’s no surprise.” Tom laughed, a contagious sound making you giggle as well. “Isn’t there anything you’ll miss about this place?”

“Yeah.” He smiled “There’s one thing.”

“What’s that?” He asks.

“The pudding cups.”

“Ahh the pudding cups of course.” You giggled while fiddling with the IV line.

“They just don’t taste the same in the outside world.”

His smile grew wider as you giggled.

“No, but really. As much as I give this place grief and say I’m ready to get out of here - which I am,” You gave him a pointed look to which he held his hands up in mock surrender, fully believing you, “it hasn’t been too terribly awful I guess.”

“Oh, well, I’m glad we could make your stay not too terribly awful.. I guess.” He teased. “Do you have anything exciting to look forward to once you’re a free woman?”

“Nothing huge planned, really. The doctors did say to take it easy.”

“That’d be wise.”

“Yeah. I’ll just lay low for a while. My sister said she may try to come visit me though so that would be nice.”

“Oh that would be nice. She’s your older sister right?”

“Right. She moved away last year to be closer to her boyfriend.”

“Ah. Do you like him?”

“Sorry?”

“This boyfriend. Do you like him?”

“He’s alright, I suppose. He makes her happy.” Tom nodded along.

“And do you have a boyfriend that makes you happy?”

“N-No. No I don’t. Not at the moment.” You began fiddling with the IV cord again.

“No boyfriend or not a boyfriend that makes you happy?” He asked.

“Neither.”

“Well that’s a shame.” If the heart monitor was connected you would’ve been screwed. “I just mean someone needs to look after you once you get home. I hope this sister comes through for a visit. You’ve got to take it easy.”

“Oh I’ll be fine.”

“I’m sure you will be.” He smiled.

“How has your shift been tonight? Busy?” You asked, fighting back a yawn.

“A bit busier than usual. There was a slight emergency earlier which is why Shelley handed out meds tonight. Sorry I didn’t come around.”

“It’s alright. I know you have other patients.”

“Yeah, but none like you.” You were sure he said that to all of his patients. After all, you’ve heard similar lines ever since you went to the pediatrician as a child. But it still gave you butterflies.

“Are you getting sleepy?”

“A little. But it’s okay.” He gave you a pointed look but continued to talk anyway. “It’s the last night. One final request for storytime. Make it a good one.”

You thought for a moment before asking your question.

“Do you ever wish that life turned out differently? That you never had your accident and you could’ve followed your dreams to be a dancer?” You asked while turning on your side and getting more comfortable.

“Sometimes. At least, I used to. But I think I’ve accepted it now. And I really can’t see myself doing anything but this.” You nodded taking in his answer “I look at it this way. If it wasn’t for my injury then I never would’ve changed my career path and found my love for medicine. I never would have made so many of the friends I’ve made or the memories I’ve made. I never would have met you.” He finishes with a sweet smile.

“That’s a very positive way of looking at it.” You told him. “Be honest, are you a therapist during the day?” He laughed out loud.

“No. I’m not. I guess I’m a big believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’.” You nodded while covering a yawn.

“So I’ve been curious to ask you,” He began, “Do you usually have this much trouble sleeping? Because you can get help for that you know?” You smiled at him.

“What? I thought a night nurse talking to you was the cure?” Tom smirked and shook his head. “I’m kidding. No, I normally don’t. It’s just the stiff sheets and hospital sounds I think.”

“Darn hospital.” He rolled his eyes and joked. “So this time tomorrow you’ll be sound asleep in your own bed then?”

You knew it was meant to be a happy statement, but you were a little sad at the thought of not having any more late night chats with Tom.

“Yes. Thank God.” You forced a smile.

You felt another yawn coming and tried to hold it back. It was already past the usual time that you fell asleep.

Tom could tell you were exhausted so he launched into a story from nursing school, hoping to lull you to sleep.

You yawned your way through listening, trying to soak up every last moment with Tom. In the morning he wouldn’t be here. You’d leave and likely never see him again.

When he finished, your eyes were half open and he wondered how you were still awake. Or maybe why.

“Why are you fighting it? The point is to sleep. Give in.” He told you gently after another yawn.

You looked up at him, half asleep and rubbing your eyes, not finding the confidence to tell him the true reason you were trying to stay awake.

“I’m happy right now.”

He smiled down at you.

“I am too. But you need your sleep, darling.” You weren’t sure what to say and you didn’t have much energy left in you anyway. “How about this. I’ve probably been in here too long as it is. Let me go check in at the Nurse’s Station and then I’ll come back and check on you soon and see if you’re still awake okay?”

The thought that he was leaving gave you a sad feeling in your stomach. You tried to remind yourself that he was just your nurse. Nothing more.

“Okay.” You smiled at him, sleepily, while settling further into the bed.

He stood up and instead of walking towards the door he walked closer to you. He grabbed the thin, white hospital blanket and pulled it closer around your shoulders.

“Goodnight, Y/N.” He whispered before he walked to the door.

“Tom?” You called out just before he opened it. He turned around with an expectant look, “Thanks for everything.”

Even though the room was dim you could see his smile.

“You’re welcome, Y/N. Get some sleep.”

You don’t remember much after that. You don’t know if Tom came back to check on you. You just remember falling asleep with a smile on your face.

When you woke up the following morning it felt like any other morning in the hospital.

The hallways were much louder. Beeps, chatter, and phones were constant. The lights were brighter.

But you were quickly reminded that it wasn’t any other morning. You were going home today.

The door creaked open and Tanya, one of your regular daytime nurses, poked her head in.

“Oh good you’re up.” She made her way inside and over to the gloves. “How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good. Thanks.” She gave you a smile, something hidden behind it.

“I’m sure.” She said quietly to herself. You gave her a questioning look. “Oh I just mean I’m sure you’re excited to get out of here.”

You nodded as she took your vitals one last time.

“Everything looks good. What do you say about getting this IV out?”

“I say that sounds amazing.”

She took it out and bandaged up your arm while informing you of how the morning would go.

“Dr. McCoy is making rounds now then he’ll be by soon to go over your discharge. You can get dressed whenever you’re ready. If you need help, buzz me. You’ll still have a breakfast tray come, but you don’t have to eat it.” She gave you a wink while taking off her gloves.

“Thanks Tanya.”

“Of course, sweetie. And in case I don’t see you before you go, you’ve been a wonderful patient. Take care of yourself.” You smiled at her as she left you to change into some leggings and a sweatshirt.

You were packing your remaining things into your bag when your doctor walked in.

“Y/N! How are we doing today?”

“We’re doing great because we’re going home.” You smiled while taking a seat to rest for a few minutes.

“I know you’re excited.” He laughed before explaining the conditions of your discharge. You had medicines to take, a follow up appointment, and strict instructions to rest for the next few weeks. After signing some forms he left you with a stack of papers. “Is someone coming to pick you up?”

“Yeah my neighbor should be here within an hour.”

“Sounds good. Don’t hesitate to call us or come back in if you have any trouble or questions.”

“Will do. Thanks.”

A few minutes after he left a nurse brought in your breakfast tray. There wasn’t much of a point for it but since your discharge wasn’t technically until 10:30 am you were still a patient during breakfast.

You took the pudding cup that you requested with every meal off the tray before sliding it away. Smiling to yourself, you tucked it away in your bag. All you had left to do was wait for 10:30.

Tanya came in to check on you again and told you to buzz the Nurse’s Station when you knew your ride was here. At 10:27 you had a text from your neighbor that they were out front in the pickup zone. So you hit the call button.

“Yes?” Linda, the scariest dayshift nurse, answered.

“Um hi. Tanya told me to buzz in when my ride was here so I could go down.”

“Okay we’ll be right in.”

Not even a minute later you heard your door open. Expecting to see Tanya or maybe even Linda you looked up.

An audible gasp left your lips when Tom stood in your doorway with a wheelchair.

“I hear someone needs a ride?” He smiled as he made his way closer to the bed.

“Tom. What are you still doing here?”

“I pulled a double.” You wanted to ask why, but decided against it. You were still in a little bit of shock from seeing him again. “If you’d rather I can go get Linda to walk you down?” He pointed back towards your door.

“No! No.. I’m just surprised s’all.”

“Well come on. I thought you’d be running out of this place once the clock hit 10:30.” Glancing up you saw it was now 10:34. Your neighbor is probably tired of waiting already.

You grabbed your discharge papers and reached for your bag when you heard, “I got it.” Smiling at him, you sat down in the wheelchair. Tom placed the bag around his shoulder and kicked the brakes off the chair. “Ready?” You nodded up at him.

He rolled you out of the room that felt so small for a final time. You passed the Nurse’s Station and waved bye to the staff. He turned by the elevators and when you looked up at him in question, he read your mind. Looked down at you he said, “We’re taking the staff elevators.”

When you made it there he hit the button, turning you around and backing you in once the doors opened. He hit the button for the Lobby and leaned up against the wall of the elevator, briefly glancing at you, as you rode down together.

“Well you made it. You’re a free woman.” He smiled shyly.

“Yippee.” He met your eyes for a moment before looking back to the floor. The dynamics felt different. It wasn’t like your late night talks together.

“Listen, Y/N.” Tom began as he stood up from the wall and faced you. He was about to continue when the elevator ding cut him off, signaling you had reached your destination.

Maybe that was what was different. You had reached your destination.

You had a fun time talking with Tom and entertaining each other when you were both up late at night. He was fun to get to know and you enjoyed having someone care for you. He was easy to banter with and certainly easy on the eyes. But your time at the hospital was up. You knew it would be eventually. You wanted it to be.

Tom was a nurse. He was just doing his job. He was helping take care of you. He was being nice. He was trying to make your stay more comfortable. There was nothing to read into.

Your time being his patient was up and your time with him was up.

You tried to remain realistic, but the sadness still crept up as he rolled you closer to the door.

Once outside, you saw your neighbor exit the car and wave you over. Tom steered in the direction and slowed before rolling to a stop and hitting the brake locks on the wheels.

“Hi, I’m Taylor.”

“Tom.” They shook hands as Tom passed off your bag for Taylor to put in the backseat.

“I’m sorry for the circumstances, but it really has been a pleasure having you as a patient and getting to know you, Y/N.” Tom admitted as he walked around to face you. He grabbed the papers from your lap. “Take care of yourself, okay?” You had shared many smiles with Tom, but this one felt sadder.

“I will. Thank you for everything, Tom. I mean it.” You reached up and squeezed his hand. He gave you a light squeeze back while smiling down at you. Taylor returned from the backseat of the car and Tom turned to them.

“These are her important papers about follow up appointments, medications, what to do at home, all of that so please make sure she doesn’t lose any of them.” He emphasized the point.

“Got it. Thanks.” Taylor held onto the stack while Tom turned back to you.

“If I can’t handle a few papers on my own, then maybe I shouldn’t be going home yet, Tom.” You laughed.

“I know, I just wanted to make sure they made it home with you.” He walked closer. “You ready to get in?”

“Yeah.” You nodded. He helped you up, supporting you just as a precaution. Once seated, you took a moment to catch your breath as you pulled the seatbelt down. He met your hand, taking it from you to buckle you in.

“You good?”

You nodded with a smile, “Just a little tired. No biggie.”

He looked you over before returning your smile, though his didn’t quite reach his eyes, “If you need us, call us. Otherwise go home and rest.”

This was it. This was goodbye.

“Thanks, Tom.”

“Goodbye, Y/N.”

He shut the door. He walked back to the wheelchair, released the brake locks and headed inside. He looked back only when your car was driving away.

“Here’s those papers that are so important.” Taylor handed you the stack after they got in.

“Thanks.”

“So how are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks.” You felt them looking at you as they joined traffic.

“You sure? You sound like you feel awful.”

You try to remind yourself to forget the sweet and attractive nurse and start moving forward.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m okay.” You decide to distract yourself by reading through your discharge paperwork, when something caught your eye. On top was a sticky note with the hospital’s letterhead. You were sure it wasn’t there before. Looking closer it read,

Y/N,

In case you need someone to talk to when you can’t sleep.

555-5555

P. S. I have a connection to some pretty good pudding cups too.

Tom

The smile that grew on your face was undeniable. All the feelings you suppressed came flooding in. He wasn’t just being nice. He actually liked you.

One thing you knew for sure was that even though you would be in your own bed tonight, you still would be up, talking to a very special nurse.

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