#bc had no idea where else to put it? also i been dealin with bad arm/wrist/joint pain so i projected it on him somehow

[2d-dreams]

A sphere, flatlanders, and 2d babies

[xseniaxgorex]

yesterday fucked me up

i spent my morning panicking then bein handcuffed on my bed to be taken to my fuckin living room & these cops had the fuckin nerve to be a dick and ask me “why are you crying like that?” bc im panicking asshole, they handcuffed me bc i wasn’t talking while i was having a whole ass panic attack , if you literally kno me i cannot TALK if im having a panic attack my mind is all over the place i hear you i can’t process what’s going on my mind goes stupid I shut down ive had so much bs happen to me bc i can’t talk & ppl take it the wrong way

& this only happened bc me & my mom we’re going at it in the mornin bc last night i asked her if she could move my sisters car literally jus move it forward while i get myself in the garage & she pretty much told me go look for parking somewhere else who gives a fuck if there’s an empty garage that no one is using go park far as fuck. & i parked in the red & i told her if i get a ticket im not going to pay for it.

& the only reason why i wanted to park in the garage was bc i didn’t want to wake up in the morning to move my car i wanted to sleep in i worked that day i was off the next day i wanted to sleep in ive been sleeping like shit lately so i was mad I knew if i left my car in the red she was going to bug the shit out of me in morning bc it only mattered to her bc i said she would pay for the ticket if i didn’t say that she wouldn’t have bugged me as she did in the morning so of course i was passed & talking shit & my stupid sister decided to get in it. pretty much tried to talk shit on me bc i lost my car but i came back at her & said atleast i got a new one without mommy’s help atleast i can drive & move a car out of the garage driveway & she got mad bc i literally told her off she started crying & she decided to call the cops to feel on top of this whole bullshit. i got mad & said she’s acting like my mom bc i got mad that she were both surrounding me room door to talk shut while i was inside but i came put & she closed herself in the room i don’t take shit talking behind doors behind a fuckin computer screen ect. I wanna talk shit SAY IT TO MY FUCKIN FACE. She got mad because i got in her face & was louder & was saying the fucking truth if this was the other way around & my sister came home & saw my car in the drive way & knew there was NO ONE using the garage she would told my mom & she would’ve bugged the shit out of me until i got up to move my car for her i kno that for a fact.

earlier that day too i saw that tweet of the whole kidnapping shit & i got paranoid bc i was on my lunch in my car & there had been a van parked behind me my whole lunch he wasn’t waiting for a parking spot he was parked behind me so i panicked & left my car earlier to wait for my lunch to end inside my jobs break room & i realizes that in a panick i locked myself out the car & luckily my manager was cool with me trying to open my car after i clocked in from my lunch so like anyone the first person you wanna call is your parent for help especially since i live with my mom inexpected her to help me out i asked her to bring my spade & she hits me with go ask your boyfriend to. So i hung up & i felt like shit i expected help bc i know if it was my sister she would’ve got her spares & dropped them off no hesitation so bullshit remarks. So i panicked again & bc of my manager she gave me an idea to take a hanger & it worked but i had a reason to panick about that guy in the van he took a picture of me he was in his van with his phone out & i saw his camera on the screen. The whole time i was trying to get into my car he was there & it sucks cause i made myself feel worse i made things worse for myself. So me going home that night after that it made me feel like shit for my mom to continue to pretty much not give a fuck about me. & it sucks bc it was my sister who posted that tweet.

like it fuckin sucks bc if it was me & i heard my sister & mom arguing to move my car i would’ve came out to shut them up & to help my sister out bc i wouldn’t want her to park far. But it only shows how much my “family” cares.

all this was avoidable if they jus let me in the garage my sister called the cops for no point she tried to bring up the past to the cops on the phone so i was talking shit & saying but are you saying i get mentally abused & that I’m clinically diagnosed with depression & anxiety??????? that the only time I ever talk back & yell back is if im being treated wrong & being talked to in that tone??? Bc i want to defend myself?

like i literally was panicking in my room & the cops were trying to open my door.

before they came i almost started cutting myself bc i had enough of my mom & sister not giving a fuck when i heard the cops outside my room i panicked so bad i called my dad but he wasn’t picking up the only person i was on the phone with was ricky & when the cops came they took my phone way & hung up on him. the only thing keeping me from getting worse was ricky telling me he was on his way.

I was so scared i was in a ball hugging my cinnamonroll i didn’t want to fucking talk to the stupid cops my mind was to busy trying to understand why my own blood would do this to me make me the bad person when all i fuckin wanted was to park in the stupid garage no one was fucking using. They handcuffed me bc i was panicking & not talking they were trying to force me to talk when i could barely even breathe & they pulled me off my bed to handcuff me to jus walk me to the living room??? like why handcuff me to jus walk me to my sofa? i was not resistin at all i jus could not talk i could barely breathe. So then they started asking me if i had depression & if i take medication so then they called an ambulance bc i wouldn’t shut up & they told me that if i went with the abundance & take the medication they would give me they would remove the handcuffs so i panicked even more bc i can’t fucking even afford my own medication rn i can’t afford a fuckin ambulance so i was scared bc i felt like i had no choice i was still in panick bc i was still trying to process this whole bullshit situation

when the ambulance came im glad they showed up bc they were the only ones giving a fuck about my breathin & my hyperventilating.

& they were talking to me & i told my mom calls me crazy when i panic & pretty much everyone was on my side bc they knew i had a mental issues & that i don’t jus get like that for no reason i was triggered by my mom after me & my sister were fighting i went to the bathroom to pee & i heard my mom telling my sister calm down she’s jus crazy don’t bother with her.

like that’s what set off my panick attack bc im tired of this bullshit i can’t stand up for myself without being called crazy.

The paramedic lady went to my mom & told her not to say that to me.

when ricky showed up he was the one who calmed me down he got me a water he hugged me he does this cute thing where he breathes with me so i follow his breath taking & everyone was jus glad he showed up bc i calmed down he knows how to help me with my panic attacks

the same lady asked me if i still wanted to go & i said no, i really thought i had no option.

they also told my mom for permission for ricky to stay with me bc he’s keeping me calm. bc the whole time when he showed up she was telling them she didn’t want ricky in the House & even tho she said yes i didn’t want to be in this stupid house we left.

but then i decided to do laundry so i came back home bc that’s what i wanted to do yesterday that was my plan to sleep in & then do chores at home till ricky was off. but he decided to ditch work to come see me when he heard everything happening.

we spent the rest of the day snatching & drawing at the beach for like 4 hrs & then went to go get pizza.

i thought we were going to have the rest of a good day but we ended up getting pulled over while leaving down the street for not having the headlights on but my car is weird bc it’s a 90s car so we thought they were on. they handcuffed ricky & let me stay in the car & i started crying again bc i was completely sick of cops the rest of the day & for us to be dealin with one again jus triggered me again so i was crying. i was scared they were gonna take ricky they were trying to find illegal shit on us. When they stopped us i was asleep in the back bc panick attacks are draining so when i woke up i woke up bc i heard the cop on the speaker & noticed the lights behind us & they started flashing the light in my face & that’s when they told ricky to get out & handcuffed him. i was really gonna panick if they put handcuffs on me again.

i have a bruise on my left wrist from the unnecessary handcuffs they put on me yesterday mornin

& now im drinkin & smoking bc i feel depressed af & i don’t want to physically hurt myself i cried typing this shit out but fuck my mom & sister they are canceled I KNO I CANT COUNT ON THEM FOR SHIT.

my dad called me while i was getting my laundry stuff ready at home & i told him everything & he could not understand why they took it to the extreme & whythey did not jus let me use the garage for my car when it was empty. he then told me & this hurt to hear he said i don’t know why both gang up on you & why they treat you this way but know im always here for you you can’t count on me for anything , im going to talk to them jus calm down’ & i kept saying i kno that thats why i called you. My dad was the only who protected me from my mom when she would mentally beat down on me

i can’t stop crying i feel like shit