#basically: I hate setting deadlines for myself bcs it just never works out

[skitskatdacat63]

I need to remind myself often it's okay to take as long as I need to work on projects/drawings

[stevie-steven-stevington]

1-3 for the ask thing uwu

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

ok so. i have like....3 and a half? projects going on right now, in various states of progress from “actively working on and almost finished with” to “all i have is a few jotted down notes”. one of them is an original that i don’t wanna talk about on here for privacy reasons and shit (will tell you abt it if you pm me, bee) and one is a commission that i currently only have a premise and background info from the commissioner from bc i’m trying to finish this other project first but! i’ll talk about the other 2!

so one of them is my fic for marveltrumpshate, which. i should have done a long while back but then Shit Started Happening and it fell to the back burner and just hasn’t come back yet, but! it’s basically one of those “tony and peter gradually becoming family and learning how they fit with each other” fics - i’ve actually always wanted to write one of those and just never had the opportunity/energy to do it, so i’m excited about that. as of now i only have like 1 scene because i’m literally the worst and also MTH didn’t give an actual hard deadline and i. have ADHD. but yeah right now there’s not much to love but i do really like the amount of freedom that comes with writing one of these fics, since there’s so much empty time between SM-hoco and IW

the other is.......one of those “i don’t even go here but i got so attached to these 2 characters that didn’t turn out to be endgame and now i Have To” fics lol. i’m not gonna tell you the fandom. it’s not gonna happen, i literally hate the show and only watched it for like 4 characters out of the giant fucking ensemble cast and at this point i’m just here for 1 ship and that’s it. anyway though, it’s basically a rewrite of the latest season but this time with my ship as the main focus. it’s written as a series of scenes, started as a 5 + 1 and became.....an 11 + 1? we’re not gonna talk about that either. it’s sort of a showing of how one of the characters gradually realizes that he’s bisexual and in love with his best friend, who just recently came out too, while also dealing with deep-seated depression. i’m almost done with that one, i just have one scene left! and as for what i love most about it....i think just seeing the progression of the MC/narrator’s thoughts and feelings about his sexuality and mental health and like...the recurring motifs that i’ve sprinkled into it, like how the other character always taps his fingers on stuff when he’s anxious. it’s one of the only 20k+ fics i’ve written (which. it was meant to be like 5k max at first. it’s probably gonna be like 32k in the end. i hate myself) so it’s fun to see the progression from start to finish

2. Tell us about what you’re most looking forward to writing – in your current project, or a future project

the original project i have in the works! i’m not gonna say much, but i will say that it’s (hopefully) meant to be a YA novel, it’s very much a queer story, and it’s got my vibe written all over it lol

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

so i feel like i definitely have one or two but i can’t think of any right now - i do, however! have a bunch of song lyrics that give me super vague but super palpable inspo so i’ll give yall some of those

“you left me stained, called it art” - trust my lonely, alessia cara

“i miss the days of a life still permanent” - i wanna get better, bleachers

“we might be hollow but we’re brave” - 400 lux, lorde

“only bad people live to see their likeness set in stone...what does that make me?” - still sane, also lorde

“the secrets you tell me, i’ll take to my grave. there’s bones in my closet, but you hang stuff anyway” - guillotine, jon bellion

the entirety of heather by conan gray

the switch from “how long can we keep this up” to “how long till we call this love” in distance by christina perri

“low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline” - gasoline, halsey

“can’t take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid” - camisado, p!atd

“we tried the world, good god it wasn’t for us” and “with my mid-youth crisis all said and done, i need to be youthfully felt ‘cause god i’ve never felt young” - jackie and wilson, hozier

“my babe would never fret none, about what my hands and my body done. if the lord don’t forgive me, i’d still have my baby and my babe would have me” - work song, also hozier lol

the entirety of turning out pt ii by ajr, especially “you said you’d love me, no matter what. you said you loved me, is that what i loved?”

“and we’re not bruised, they’re just party tattoos” - party tattoos, dodie

[ill-be-istj-if-no-one-else-is]

I hear you're really helpful with typing. I typed myself as an ENTP back in middle school but now as a Real Adult I'm not sure the skin still fits (I read descriptions of ENTPs and think, mm, sound like really immature assholes! ... Although I'm aware online profiles do have a tendency to suck). 2. I'm probably extroverted. I like to think out loud, I like to meet new people, if I give a good public speech I can live off the high for a few hours. (1/9)

(2/9) most of my introverted traits boil down to more sensory type things. I can't stand noisy places, parties or crowds make me feel trapped. Also, my very introverted family all firmly insist I'm obviously an extrovert, so 🤷‍♂️. Reading intuitive descriptions always feels like reading weird mumbo jumbo, but sensing descriptions like reading a list of things I'm bad at. I'm awful at awareness of my surroundings

(3/9)  I find driving stressful because there's so many streams of external input I need to be on top of and if I dare space out on an interesting thought I could literally kill someone. I was never in roux with my body (wished I could be a robot tbh) although after my first kid I did sign up for a dance class and it was so cool finally have my body be something other than an annoying meat sack with incomprehensible constant needs i need to constantly deal with.

(4/9) (incomprehensible = do I feel bad bc tired? Hungry? Thirsty? Guessing game time!). For me aesthetic sense basically I can turn on or off, default is off and I don't notice at all, but I can consciously turn it on so as to have a preference (what to eat for dinner) or taste (researching art styles to inspire my own). But yeah I can and have lived in a featureless white cave of a house and just don't notice/care. Thinking/feeling is complicated for me (ur not my therapist, I know).

(5/9) my family was SUPER t and looked down on emotions and stuff so, like, how much of my discomfort with emotion based values/decisions/behavior is me vs that, I don't know. I do know I read some T stereotypes and feel they're stupid. I may be shit at it, BUT being able to work with people and coordinate is how anything happens in the real world, and looking down on people skills is just a sign you're not very smart, imo. OTOH I do just genuinely love logical thinking. So sexy and satisfying.

(6/9) I work as a programmer. I love the rapid feedback cycle, I love constantly learning new things, but I think the most satisfying part is making a program "elegant". Taking a revolting mess of a four page function, compressing it into a beautiful little recursive six liner. (I also like hunting for bugs, most of the time very satisfying, and I love watching something cool emerge from what was literally nothing before). I like categorising and sorting and labeling things (see: mbti) in ways

(7/9) that reveal this underlying system that I can then apply/extend to other things. I like the satisfaction of a good explanatory theory. My husband is into solving problems with things (engineer). I'm also an engineer, but the problems that draw me are people related. Like I said, really it's all coordination problems, cooperation problems, how we can make the human system work towards a good outcome instead of getting trapped in a shitty equilibrium point.(I've worked on my people skills sm

(8/9) re p/j I have no idea. Everything stereotypically J just sounds like things I needed to learn to do as an adult? Make and follow plans and stuff. As I've gotten older, P stereotypical behavior went from being comfortable to being anxiety inducing. So gonna skip that and hope the function stack casts light on it instead. 

-----------------------------

Hi anon,

Before reading I will freely admit my first thought was probably high Ne; it is usually high Ne users who see a max character count/question limit as an invitation to reach that limit, whereas everyone else sees it as simply a thing they cannot exceed, but can fall short of.

Going through, from the start, it sounds like, barring any kind of unmentioned or undiagnosed sensory processing issues, an extrovert who is an intuitive makes sense in that you’d be excited by people but not by a lot of sensory experiences at once. This also fits with what you describe later - finding driving stressful because you can’t focus on both thoughts and the road, difficulty interpreting internal physical signs.

I definitely agree with you re: people skills (ie, hating people isn’t a sign of high intellect, but a bad grip on reality and also just probably being an unpleasant person).

I suspect you are more likely to be a high Ti user and therefore an ENTP - programmers/engineers aren’t automatically high Ti users, but I do think elegance tends to be something high Ti users strive for the most, whereas my own programming tends to be “does it work” (although also I’ve never been a programmer as a main job so the expectations and requirements for what I do are a much lower bar). Hunting for bugs and actually enjoying it rather than just wanting the code to work also sounds a lot more Ti-Fe than Te-Fi; an enjoyment more of the process than the end result.

Since you’re an adult and your Fe is tertiary (so actually getting to be pretty decent) and as you said developing people skills is just a reasonable part of life, I think developing an enjoyment of problems that involve people is probably part of that. I think the point you’re at in life and what you said about perceiving vs. judging fits well with a perceiver who is of normal adult levels of maturity. If you were a judger (and even setting aside my initial leaning towards Ne, you don’t write like high Ni user as they tend to use shorter sentences and have a very linear style vs. the more casual/digressive Ne/Si style), you would probably be experiencing the opposite experience, of slowly coming to terms with the sponteneity and need for flexibility of adult life vs. coming to terms with things like deadlines and planning which would have been more initially natural to you.

So: ENTP actually does sound like a good fit! I agree a lot of ENTP descriptions out there are written by people who seem to think interrupting with the phrase “well, actually” is a virtue instead of really annoying, so...yeah, I think it’s reasonable not to relate them and a reasonably mature adult ENTP definitely wouldn’t.

[kewltie]

If you can, how would you list your works from the fluffiest to the angstiest. And is there any work of yours you would consider doing a bad end for either/both izuku and katsuki?

hi anon!!!

ahh that’s hard Q to answer tbh mainly bc i have a lot of ‘verses, but i’ll try my best to categorize them and hopefully i dont miss any or much...! lol /o\ so TOP is the flulliest and bottom is cry your fucking heart out sort of thing. i think most of my fics are midtier range like a good 90% bc i like my usual tear jerker  butw/ a firm dose of HEA at the end. some of these might have a really BAD, BAD tear jerker which is why it’s ranked so low but most honestly have good endings w/ the usual drama and tears sprinkle throughout. 

murder kittens au - just bc they’re really cute and there isn’t any drama except kirishima being terrorized by fiercely codependent & murderous kittens bkdk 

idol au - where izuku is the nation’s sweetheart who has the biggest crush on Ground Zero & katsuki may or may not like him back. it’s silly, fake dating, fandom playing supportive matchmaker, and feature power couple bkdk. 

the TA au - where katsuki is profs who made a ton of students cry and izuku is the TA who they absolutely worship and make their class 100000% more bearable. 

secretary au - excellent secretary izuku vs TERRIBLE BOSS katsuki, fill w/ hijinks, office, gossips, and everyone being terrified of katsuki but izuku is the only one to reign him in

doki doki ‘verse - katsuki is half kaiju & half human and he’s a damn boss AND NOTHING CAN TOUCH him except for that human boy who  can completely destroy him w a single smile 

soulbond dragon fic - lol i mean it’s just katsuki getting harassed by his dragon about courting izuku???? 

stepdad au - idk it’s just a bunch kids, their papa, and THEIR KACCHAN navigating how to be a family

accidental kink - kink navigation/exploration basically, doesn’t have a lot of drama or angsty bits 

EVERYTHING THAT ISN’T mention on this list belongs in the midtier range: angsty but not too angsty + got enough fluff to balance it out

[we’re on to angsty tier list now]  izuku in fantasyland - fucking punch me in the heart bc NOBODY WANTS HIM at first but THEY WILL!!!!!!

the fic where future izuku died and future!katsuki became ruthless, cold killing machine who traveled back to the past to protect bb!izuku and it’s lot of LONGING AND INTENSE PAIN FOR THIS BOY WHO WILL ONE DAY BE HIS EVERYTHING

the wintersoldier!katsuki - where katsuki got brainwashed by LOV and the only thing that kept him human is his hallucination of a green eyed boys who followed him around and cried for him SOBS 

stepbros au - izuku loves katsuki and katsuki loves izuku; it’s as simple as that but they’re stepbrothers so i guess not so simple :(

fluffybottom ‘verse - break up, chasing after your dream vs love, and how you can always go home again and sometimes home is your ex and his ugly grumpy cat name fluffybottom

bakugou twins au - love triangle ft prototype!katsuki vs canon!katsuki over izuku’s affection

song of songs - tododekubaku abo kingdom au where izuku is married to shouto but is bonded to katsuki so in public tododeku are the happiest couple but whenever his heat hit he craves katsuki’s touch. it’s complicated  and all party are suffering izuku out of guilt, katsuki out of jealousy and anger, and todoroki’s silence hurt and longing :S

the bodyswap au - where izuku’s current bf (shouto) and ex (katsuki) swap body due to a quirk that wouldn’t be as much of a problem if izuku still doesn’t love katsuki and he thinks katsuki and shouto are growing closer bc izuku leave for US for over a year to learn and todobaku bonded over their EPIC pining of this boy who RUINED THEM. 

ot3 concubine kingdom au - where izuku is an omega slave taken from another kingdom and katsuki is the general who found him and brought him back for emperor!shouto. the court thinks izuku has the favor the emperor but is in love with the general but IN REALITY todobaku are in secret alpha/alpha forbidden relationship and is using izuku as shield to hide :(((  it’s a lot of izuku feeling like he’s being used and lacking but slowly HE CLIMBS UP THE RANK and win their BOTH OF THEIR HEART and become the most powerful omega in the land lol i have a lot feels about this /o\

as;djfa;lsdjf I REALIZED the last super angsty fics are all ot3 related and i can’t even defend myself. they havent been written *technically* but i talked about them a lot on my twitter acc before and i want to write them one day!!!! it IS MY DREAM

idk if i ever thought a story should have a bad end??? i mean im pretty set in HEA so i dont really think that much about it unless it FEELS right... then im committed to it. OH right there is this one fic that i really hate, LIKE HATE bc i wrote it for a fest and i forced myself to finish it and i didn’t get exactly what i wanted bc i had to meet deadlines... (it’s ‘as the moon bears witness) and in that fic izuku got summoned to another world to save the ppl there, he met up w/ his party, and then he met and fell in love w katsuki who lost his parents and home to the demon king. SO BASICALLY the night before the grand battle w the demon king iizuku decided he’s going to stay w katsuki and not return to his world and they’re going to get marry *if* they both survived. SO izuku did SLAYED the demon king and i had two endings for this either he died in the process... in a sort of eternal sleep till one day they will call upon him again and katsuki stay but his tomb and guard him until the day izuku will awake again (it’s... thousands of years alone waiting for izuku :(((() or THE SECOND ending where izuku lives but his job is done and he got sent back to his world w/o ever saying anything to katsuki and katsuki go back to rebuild his kingdom but never take a consort bc he will always loves izuku and rules alone for thousands of years.... ANYWAY yea it’s a diff take to summon to another world /o\ AND it’s.... unhappy??? but idk i fascinated by it. 

thanks for asking!!!! it gave me a lot of thoughts lol 

[survivor-kuwait]

Episode 5 - "I think I jumped the gun with this one, but I wanted to strike first." - Corey

Willow, I’m going to win this for you. Chloe is next. Anyone who voted you out is next. They’re all gone #LibraStrong Thanks for being a great friend

Cloe came back and thats fine with me. Since she is Ian’s sign partner amd I feel like I have a strong connection with him maybe she’ll work with me. I hate this bottom five goes to warzone thing. It really messes up social and strategic plans. I hope i can avoid tribal again. I dont want to go. I got a vote steal, I dont know of I sent in a confessional about it or not. Im glad I have it and now im looking for the idol.

- - -

Me: Gets of work at 2 Challenge: Due in 5 hrs Me: Go gets McDonalds

- - -

I did the challenge and I got 11. I hope that good enough to keep me away from the bottom 5. It sucks that we have 9 people on our tribe which means only 4 people will be safe this round from the warzone. I just want to stay away from it as long as possible. Dont like going there because it is so stressful.

The fact that I’m so close to an idol and now am basically on a deadline to get it in case things go south here is TERRIFYING! I’m separated from my allies except Corey who I like, and nervous on how to do this. Losing the tiebreaker and the fact that I had a 50/50 chance of doing it in 11 guesses is making this feel like a perfect storm that would absolutely lead to a really awful elimination for me. I just gotta work!

Someone got to MY advantage before me, the AUDACITY to take MY ADVANTAGE.  It's not that I want two advantages, it's that I don't want other people to have them.  Just who do you think you are?  That wasn't there for you to just pick up, I HAD DIBS.  Someone here does not respect the virtue of dibs and therefore they are not a Bro. If you are not a Bro then you aren't my bro.  If you aren't my bro then what are you? I'd say you're dead to me, but you're more like Bruce Willis in the Sixth Sense, you've been dead the whole time.   We after that ass Jimmy, we after that ass.  https://twitter.com/beforefamepics/status/1039687902643539968?lang=en

Warzone sucks amd I dont like being in it. I feel good hopefully but Im still wary. Warzone still makes me nervous. I have Renee in here so atleast there is someone I can bounce of strategy with out being paranoid. There are people who ive been in warzone with before and others I havent. Matt S. Seems like a great guy and Renee has talked to him on our tribe so hopefully we wants to work with us. Tbh I dont know who i want gone. Still open minded this round.

Maynor messages me 1 time after the split: MAYNOR IS MY #1 ALLY FOREVER!l?!! Idk if it’s true but I love him and gave him my idol clue , and I support him, also based off nothing besides the fact we have been throughout few warzones together I trust Jacob and Madison and trace so hopefully I don’t die this round either xoxo Gossip girl

So my first warzone is pretty much as terrifying as I thought. I don’t think my name is in the mix but I’ve never been fully confident in this game. I feel like I can trust Corey and he’s trying to enact this plan to vote Renee. People seem concerned about saving chloe but I don’t really have a preference either way. If it’s bwtwwen Renee and Chloe then I hope it’s renee but I won’t be sad if it’s chloe. I’m just trying to be under the radar and I hope that’s gonna work

I'm immune??!??! This challenge always goes poorly for me and here I am. My little gay ass in the Final 18? Like YAYAY? I survived 6 boots which is 1/4 of the game already and I'm living!!! I hope that it can speed up, cause I'm really bored and I really want to find something on this damn idol board and I thought i found sumnthin, but an UGLY already got their grubby hands on it. So I'm defeated on that aspect too. But you know what, I'm seeing another round! And that is great for now!!

So I’m back in the war zone again after actually trying for a challenge. My hangman method wasn’t the worst but not the most fantastic. Being in the war zone is not fun. But this time I have people discussing the vote with me so that’s less scary. Maybe I’m gettin somewhere

So far, its been quiet again. But so far Cloe’s name has been theown out because she has already been voted out. I’m good with voting out Cloe. I just hope no crazyness happens the last hrish. Im already being stressed about my project dont need the vote to be stressful.

This round is going to be somewhat hectic. For the first time I feel I am in real danger, let’s see if it works out.

It looks like everyone is down to vote for Cloe. I’m really hoping I can trust these heathens when they tell me its gunna be Cloe or if Im being duped really hard. Im so paranoid cuz I really want to do good in this game. Hopefully bonds help me out if somehow the worst happens and Renee goes. Injust dont want it to be me. 

No warzone woohoo, now I just need Corey or Devon to leave and I’ll be set.

Woot woot, safe again from tribal. I wanted to come into this game and be more social than I have ever been before. I can already see myself struggling with that and I need to work on it. It’s one thing to be aware of it but a whole other thing to actually make sure I get my shit together and do it. This time I’m actually going to make sure I do it.

I'm real happy I'm the last one to not go to the warzone bc I feel like people will kill me immediately if I give them the chance. I love Matt and Owen.

Going into tribal council tonight, I am nervous. I am not letting jacob or madison in on the plan which can only hurt my game in the longrun. I think I jumped the gun with this one but I wanted to strike first as I usually wait but always end up losing allies that way. Hopefully, with damage control, I can be okay. If somehow the vote ends up on me, rip! Can't say I didn't try - I just may have tried too hard too quick. I hope the bonds I have made until now are strong enough to get me to another day here. I am hoping to see Renee walk out - otherwise, Chloe. I just hope I didn't screw up too bad.

This round i am finally not going to tribal!! Two rounds was enough for me. Especially after the last one, that vote was A LOT. Double tribals ain't fun when its one round of voting and two people leave. A whole other strategy goes into that. So Chloe comes back and from retrograde and i was a little nervous because i was part of voting her out. But then I talked to her when she was back and she was really cool, she said she had stuff going on irl which is why she wasn't around which i totally understand because that's been the case for me recently so I am not holding it against her now (because originally that is why I wanted to vote for her when we did). Honestly the fact that she went THAT hard in retrograde to come back really just changed my opinion of her. It definitely showed that she wants to still be here (at least more than Willow did)  and i really respected that. Made me see her in a new light. When I first encountered Renee in this game I was excited to see her, she was excited to see me and we briefly chatted but I wasn't too sure how closely we would be working together. then for this Guess Who challenge Renee asks for my help because she got stuck and asked if i could look over her parameters to see if I saw anything because she was missing something. turns out she did have a miscommunication with the hosts and it got her a less than favorable score and she ended up going to tribal. I briefly talked to Owen about the challenge, just keeping those lines of communication open to suss out if him and i are working together or not. I am still not 100% if we are explicitly working together. I have been unsure about this tribe and safety. I cannot tell if it is normal that no one is talking because we are safe, or if people just are not talking to me. Could be a little bit of paranoia, but I could also just not be desirable for social interactions. Only time will tell, i guess.

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[moony-balloons]

Oh hey yeah I was gonna make a “what is up with me lately” post so here it finally is! Under a cut bc I don’t know how long it’s gonna be.

So! Firstly, I have a job. I work full time as a cashier at a grocery store, a major chain one BUT it’s part of a smallish franchise owned by a dude who is very nice and community focused, and we’re treated very well so no complaints on that front. I didn’t -actually- want full time for “I have no energy as it is and will not get anything done towards finding a Degree Relevant job if I am spending literally all of my energy at my current job” but my parents were not real receptive to that? So when I was interviewing and the manager asked me if I wanted full time or part time I said I’d take whatever and they put me on as full time bc boy howdy do they need people. Also honestly tbh I don’t mind making that full-time dough, could use the money to build my savings back up and start paying down my student loans faster / buy myself some of the things I’ve been putting off for forever and a day bc “well it’s not ESSENTIAL and I don’t have a job so lol”. I’ve been there for around..... 6 weeks? 2 months? Somewhere in there, and the Exhaustion from working on my feet 8 hours a day every day is reducing as my body gets used to it so I may be able to start getting things done again, aside from the small organizational irl things I’ve been picking away at bc those just make my life and my brain and everything feel cleaner. Clean is good yknow? And my mom’s house is pretty cluttered (less cluttered than her parents admittedly so step in the right direction, but lordy) so wanting my room to at least be neat is nice.

But yeah, on the topic of getting things done for job searching? The troubles I’ve been having, as always, are that I feel like 1) I need to do Everything Right Now bc I want to get a job that utilizes my degree, but that is overwhelming, so I feel like 2) I should take things a bit at a time bc that is the solution to things being overwhelming but that is Not Good Enough Or Fast Enough bc I should be there Now so as a result of those two things clashing I often just end up doing nothing? Which is even worse than moving too slowly, but? With the fact that I don’t have a clearly quantifiable end point in mind with my “I gotta learn x, y and z languages/skills well enough to be able to get a job” goal, I always feel like I am wasting time when I chip away at it bc, oh, maybe THIS skill isn’t important and my time would be better spent learning THIS instead, or maybe no one even does things THIS way anymore and it’s dumb to even learn it bc I will have to learn a different way anyway. Or other such nonsense and basically what I am getting is that my attempts to learn these things keep failing in part bc I am too damn vague and I can’t feel like I am making progress towards my goal if I can’t quantify what my goal IS, or at what pace I “should” be moving towards it. So I plan to try and.... set things up more like as if I was in school? Like give myself deadlines and homework and reading assignments and shit lmao, and see if that works. I also have to remember what the therapist said when I was speaking to him a while ago when I was first starting medication, which was.... I was having this same issue, and he asks me why I feel like I’m not moving fast enough and it’s because I feel like more is expected of me, by both my family and by society in general, and he’s like well basically fuck what they think, you move at whatever pace you can (in much nicer terms obv lmao). And I gotta like, write that on my forehead in sharpie bc that is the thing to remember, getting there more slowly than someone else is fine if that is what I am capable of and it sure as shit beats giving up and never getting there at all.

But I did have a mental health slump recently bc, well, it doesn’t feel great to have a bachelor’s degree and still be doing retail stuff, and getting turned down by countless actual tech jobs in the meantime. Being rejected by the most recent one hurt the most because it was one of those “oh we’re looking for more of a personality fit than a skills fit!” type positions, and it was an internship (a new position they were still in the process of working out even what that entailed, but even so) and they liked my personality and invited me to take a skills test...... and I didn’t complete it in time, and they were basically like uh yeah we’re gonna pass. Like, not looking as much for a skills match but my skills disqualified me anyway. And then on top of that! The weekend before last I went to help my grandpa put in his new air conditioner (he still uses the kind you have to mount in a window) and he had a nice snide comment about “6 years at [school] and all you can say is, do you want fries with that” which, A, 4 and a half years, thanks, but also B, can you not??? He’s very much of the opinion that college is a waste of time and computers are on their way out and have overstayed their welcome and I should learn a SKILL (anything that doesn’t result in physically building something with your hands is not a skill in his book) bc only people with SKILLS are useful/valuable/etc. I know that he’s wrong about that and that his “if it wouldn’t help you in the apocalypse then it’s dumb and not worth knowing” attitude is not anywhere near the norm, but the fact that it echoes the insecurities I already have about myself re: being dumb and useless just made it REALLY hit home. Bc like...... idk. I can combat my own bad things I think about myself with, well yeah, you have depression and are definitely not as bad as you think you are, you’re just looking at yourself with poop-tinted glasses bc mental illness. But if someone ELSE says it, well, clearly they must be right! Which is dumb af but that’s what my brain does. BUT after spending time with my very pissy grandpa I went over to my dad’s house and got to pet my dog a lot and Dad made burgers on the grill which was excellent (my stepdad considers himself a grillmaster but honestly tbh keep this a goddamn secret but I like my dad’s burgers better) and they showed me the house they bought, which has 4 bedrooms and would theoretically have space for me to stay with them should I ever need it, unlike their current house which is small af and causes some inconveniences if I end up having to stay the night lol. Also the new house has a fireplace and a loft area above the living room which I am SO sure their cats are gonna love.

Artwise I’m in a similar spot to where I am career-wise, which is “I would love to do a fancy finished detailed thing but I definitely won’t have the energy to actually do it to my satisfaction so I should work on just practicing little things but that is not good enough and I have to be able to do awesome cool things right now” and the fact that I don’t have a good, comfortable drawing space doesn’t help. I keep meaning to work on it and I do believe that in bits and pieces, I will, it’s just one of those things where I want to draw and then if I do start, I immediately hate it and want to stop, and lately haven’t had the energy to push through it. XD Just weh.

[sumergosuigeneris]

April 18, 2019 Part I

I love the way The Kids are Alright talks about kids.

Yesterday was exhausting.

I got up early enough to make it to work by 8:15-ish am. Yay! Got all the food set up on time. The talk by boss1 and boss2 was kind of enraging. And I haven’t really been able to talk to anyone about it yet. Not completely. Thankful for here!

Boss1 talked first. He talked about what his new job was gonna be, and how he was still gonna be very embedded with our group, and his vision for the group, which is gonna be very much research-based. It sounded like a) he isn’t really leaving, and b) the group will continue to be his own personal research group, but with more research and more faculty. He did this by talking about how much research and stuff the group has taken on in the years since he’s been there. He talked research a lot. But I felt like he blew my peeps’ group off! And they’re the research group! Also, he talked about how they’re trying to start a department, in a few years, and he expected the dept to be a large part of it. Again, without talking about the research group. Boss2 spoke and basically validated everything he said. All of this is different from what Boss2 had me expecting, so I got pretty upset. What it seemed is there are competing visions for how this split is gonna go, and despite what the brass want, Boss1 was going to continue to push his vision.

The final reason I was genuinely upset - he never actually thanked the dept for what it’s done for him and his career. I talked to someone after and she said he sort of did. That’s not really acceptable.

Then the questions, a lot of which were stupid. Suck up communications person (who always puts her work on me ( I mean, not always, but def when I started, etc) asked about his job. Who cares? This is supposed to be about the dept, not him?

After the meeting, the girl I’m pro/con about immediately went up to Boss2. Suck up. I actually, in the course of all my upsetness, decided to interrupt them. A tiny powerplay (that could have backfired). But also, I was freaking out a little and wanted to talk to Boss2 while it was possible to have a chance. Anyway, she sort of walked herself back a little/validated the meeting. But I told her that while I know I don’t really have any say, he’s trying to keep me for realsy, and I just don’t think the split is tenable. I said I prefer to be 100% either way. So, she’s got the big meeting on Monday. I also freaked out a bit b/c their was a minor issue with the corporate credit card. Not actually my fault, but for a minute it made me feel like I looked bad. Luckily, I didn’t do anything wrong, so we were able to talk it out. Apparently, the proper settings for the corporate credit card aren’t automatic for anyone, including dept heads. We fixed it.

Oh, and I found out that the group, what did I call them? Oh well, I’ll call them J group, some of them found out even further in advance than the day before! From clients?!?!?!?!

I had my shrink appt today. I ended up with us getting some free food, so I was trying to take care of it, so everyone didn’t steal it without me getting any. But a student came in who was late for a meeting (his english was very bad, relatively speaking) and was in the wrong location and freaking out. So, since i had to pop across town anyway, I went with him to get him where he’s going. And was 10 minutes early for my appointment!

I did see milquetoast. He may not have seen me, but I suspect he did glance over me. That was weird. The appointment went okay. Shrink didn’t know about the drama of the therapy ending, and gave me a chance to tell her. And said we were good. And if I did want to go back, she’d make sure it happened (but she said it discreetly lol). That was kind of awesome. But I’m smart enough to know this was a good thing really. We talked about my suspicion that I need a different kind of therapy. We talked about the fact that I probably need to stay on the meds at the levels I’m at, and pursue therapy. I was able to talk about how I hate it, but given a) my insistence on no addicting meds, and b) the issues with experimenting with new drugs, and c) I haven’t gotten everything possible out of therapy, it just makes sense. It was my decision. I think she would have pushed back if she thought it was a bad decision. Or if I wanted something bad, she might have tried to get me to come around to this decision lol. Also, her year ends at the end of June, so...I got my announcement long enough in advance to process lol. I cried in there. So yeah, I’m not in a great place, but it is what it is. There’s no miracle cure.

I waited around trying to meet with the J team and see if their manager had any news. But I didn’t have my laptop so I couldn’t work and I put a time limit on waiting. Chatted with used to be almost friends coworker. She’s the one that thinks he said thanks. Eh. Some people are worried about their jobs. She’s on a grant, so the thing she was worried about was whether boss1 is staying on it. He is, so she’s happy - too many new people on their group right now for her to welcome change.

Then I went to a place I’ve been avoiding 6 months for fear of seeing anyone I know, with two of the group. The only thing they could say was that they weren’t concerned about there being a new dept without them, because a) it’s years down the line, and b)they’d have to hire faculty (said as if they thought the u wouldn’t). I disabused them of that. Anyway, they’re not worried.

Okay. Whatever.

Got back and work friend was finally out of the manager’s office. I had to get back to location 2, so we walked outside together. I had to tease it all out of her, but yes, they are not allowed to pursue their own research agendas any longer - which is a major impact on 3, maybe 4 careers. Hopefully I’ll get the rest of the scoop today. And hopefully better answers on Monday. She did touch me again, and it’s getting frustrating. It’s not hugs, but damn it.

No one touched the food at my desk, but as soon as they saw I’d put it in the fridge, people were freaking out! I was planning on bringing it over to location1 b/c they liked it and never get leftovers, but that was kaboshed.

I met a few deadlines. The latinx group thing was a piece of work! After everything we went through to get them to use the corporate credit card, they told us they wouldn’t use it. And we had to give them a ton of justification. It took me some time to get untired, and focused, but I got it done, and it was good. I overdid the hell out of it because it’s fucking ridiculous. OUR BUDGET WAS APPROVED ALREADY!!!!!!!!! Just to send 9 people to fucking (cheap) conference.

And trying to get a bunch of last minute shit done. I stayed until 5:30pm! I would have stayed later, but I was wiped. Also, I forgot to mention. The day started off overcast and chilly - and ended up kind of muggy and warm. So I was hot as hell with all the running around. I walked between locations 1 & 2 but I almost didn’t bc it was so warm. And after work, I wanted/knew i needed to go for a walk to physically process the day. But I also knew that if I drove home to go for a walk, I wouldn’t. So I walked at work. I’ve been meaning to for the whole 1 1/2 year I’ve been there, but never did. I finally did last night. It was different. The view was nice. But I’m not a fan for walking. Biking yes, and maybe rollerblading. It was too straight, so it always seemed I’d gone farther than I actually had, and boring outside of the view. And it’s right next to a highway, so loud as hell. But I’m glad I went. But boy were my feet TIRED.

I went back to work with pettiness on my mind. I had decided that since I couldn’t take all the leftovers to location1, I’d take some of the pastries, and eat the hell out of the fruit plate. And I did. I had an italian beer - yummy, and 1 pastry, and ate so.much.fruit. I made myself sick but it was a definite impact on the fruit lol. So petty. I’d wanted a hamburger, but I was so full by the fruit, I couldn’t do it. I got home, vegged for a few bit, and bed. I’m also bummed to say, none of my twits took off. Not even my bracket. :( There’s got to be an algorithm.

I got up today and actually made myself put in a load of laundry!