#basically pinterest reminded me how i used to do my nails and now im having a crisis

[seraphsoda]

something something the duality of wanting to be very masc and 1000% stealth but coming from a background of being hyper-femme in order to blend/sometimes seeing pictures of cute girly outfits or a pretty manicure and remembering how much i used to like having my nails done like that-- and it doesn’t fit with the masc idea that i have of myself in my head, and i always hated the upkeep. it was expensive, and i never felt like i was ‘pretty’ as a whole person, even with the nails and the hair and the lash extensions-- i knew objectively that i guess i fit the beauty standard, but i always felt so fucking ugly and gross and wrong, like i was lying to everybody, and i fucking hated myself... but then i see other people looking the way i did, and i think wow that looks so good on them, and i could go back to living like that, and it would probably be safer than transitioning... and being mostly attracted to masc men, well that’s usually what they want, right????

and then i just remember how FUCKING AWFUL it was living like that. i. don’t. fit. right. in. straight. culture... but i can blend really well, and at least i could have pretty nails. i mean look at that shit

that part did make me feed good about myself, but i think it was at least partially because i felt like it was some kind of proof that i was playing the ‘hot girl’ persona convincingly enough or whatever the fuck. idk. 

it’s so vain and probably incredibly toxic of me, but i am so afraid of being unattractive if i go through with transitioning. for some reason that is really important to me, and i can’t seem to let go of it-- which is ridiculous because i feel absolutely hideous right now in this weird in-between state where i’ve cut my hair and dropped all my old beauty routines, but i just don’t know what to do... i at least know how to be ‘pretty’ as a girl...

my options are either to backtrack completely, more or less, or i could move forward into completely unknown territory that i can’t come back from if i decide i don’t like it or if i decide i don’t like how the world interacts with me afterwards.    god i’m so fucking tired of this dilemma. i’m so tired of hating myself and being miserable and having to worry about my safety if i make a choice that other people might literally want me dead for. just generally wishing that i didn’t exist a lot these days