#basically it's like. my own form of closure ig

[reireimur]

a taste of a wip :3 uhh eerr hmm new one shot based on a prompt I have been thumbing the idea of. I didn't mean to make it sad, but I have a feeling it will turn out to be 20k words and delay the next chapter of aysya significantly

[vintagedoctor]

Fuck it we ball. Imma share my oc cuz i love all of them and i wanna explain everything abt them

i dont have a name for them yet sadly but i got a pretty good image of what they look like and the lore and all that and yeah... typical oc creation stuff.

so we all know i love plague doctors. i mean my pfp is a plague doctor (its a retraced steve (from owl house) art but with one of my ocs) and my username is pun on plague doctors and uhh i repost plague doctor stuff. so i love them. i cant explain why i love them so much. like ive thought abt it and i genuinely cant tell anyone why. i honestly think they look cool and mysterious and thats it.

my oc, as im calling them rn, is just "VD" which is my username abbreviated. its serving me rn but i know i should come up with an actual name. im thinking something like Vyn or Doctor Vyn or smth but honestly nothing fits. its *my character* ya know? so thats why im struggling on the name. but VD serves me just fine for now

bc im shit at drawing i use any oc maker at my disposal. at first it was picrews then it was minecraft skins, then it was heroforge, and now im making them in baldurs gate 3 character creator

so now, to introduce VD, either drawn as a half elf or tiefling, depending on how im feeling and what version character im using (ill get to that later)

heres what i think is the base version (in baldurs gate ofc) believe me id have put a plage doctor mask on them if i could

thats like the good version, ig. a paladin who is chaotic good and just wants the best for everyone but doesnt mind commiting some crimes to get there. i love them and is usually the character i make for video games since its closest to who i am. pretty easy to rp.

heres the basic versions for minecraft. i mentioned exploring the design thru minecraft skins so ill be showing them too. also im pretty proud of them. the second one is not a purple villager but instead a plague doctor mask. the second skin has tons of lore attached to it, actually. (and yes im ashamed to say minecraft rp lore too... that was a phase)

you can see there will be similar choices between all of them... uhh.. i love the color purple. i put purple in every thing i build because i love it and i cannot explain why. just like i cannot explain why i love plague doctors, i love purple. so yes every character will have some purple on them. i love purple

this version of VD is usually the avatar i use for everything. however that character branched off to a minecraft rp character (oh god.. yep)

this is canon VD... like *that* minecraft server. i was like 16 so everything from this server is gonna be a bit cringe. but this version of VD, who ill call cult VD, for reasons explained later, has much more of a explored personality. they are kind, helpful, naive, and also have a connection with an ancient elderitch diety that takes the form of a demon horse. i should probably explain that servers lore at some point huh? i honestly do just to get some closure from that server.

cult VD starts worshipping this deity, as anyone else would do right, which leads to the cult moniker. on that minecraft server, i always carried an axe as my weapon, so i like to imagine cult VD has a battleaxe as their main weapon of choice. this heroforge is old, before i decided to make VD a half elf / tiefling so thats why the ears arent pointy and theres no horns. but we will get to that. this naive version of VD eventually breaks out of the control of this elderitch deity but is still haunted by it for the rest of their life.

above is the picrew for this version of VD, which does have horns and pointy ears because i made this much later. yeah i know a jacket over a breastplate makes no sense but the picrew let me do it so i did it. (i made this a while ago so i dont remember my uh artistic choices)

VD during the possession had their own minecraft skin (cuz ofc they did, silly me)

this is definitely not inspired by anything. nope nope. its all original. dont @ me lol. i liked this skin. i think its pretty simple and screams of minecraft smp with "lore". it speaks of a simpler time ig. if this was dnd character, theyd be a devotion paladin. i think devotion to an evil god could be very interesting tbh. i havent been able to explore that yet but its smth to put out there.

oh heres some actual original art i did for cult VD. very nice :D

im still pretty proud of this, knowing i cant draw for shit and i did this like two years ago when i sucked even more at drawing.

this here is a little sketch of cult VD under some math work back in junior year of highschool i think? this is the first time i actually was pretty proud of my art. the expression and the hands and the axe all looked really good. i like it a lot.

i think of this character as priest vd or cult vd. i like having corrupt preist characters. its so cool. like that one line from hells coming with me. oh god i made an animatic with that line and i could not get the animation right. "I am the righteous hand of god. I am the devil you forgot." that line is like the backbone of who the character is. only thing is the character had run its course way before i discovered the song. yeah cult vd is like hells coming with me, the pitiful children (from jeremys perspective), and rule 4 - fish in a birdcage. ya know, trauma. i love trauma :D (for my fictional characters ofc ofc omg)

if i ever make a breakdown of my first minecraft server "lore", then anyone can see im gonna skip two iterations and move onto uh.. how do i put this lightly. uh... revenant VD?

IM NOT COPYING ANYONE I SWEAR OMG! or atleast.. i didnt mean to... its gonna get pretty obvious soon that i took much creative liberties from a certain minecraft server during the pandemic.

anyways my favorite version of VD because how much i could do with them. oh revenant VD is so fun. :D

revenant VD is the edgy, dark version but has tons of potential. thats why i love them so much. i used to associate them with hayloft II but not anymore actually. i think little pistol, laplaces angel, two birds, maybe what could have been, and saint bernard. being edgy for the sake of edgy isnt good characterization but angst for a reason is smth i love. they hate everyone bcuz the world has consistently treated them like shit and so the only way to actually cope with it sensibly was to treat others like shit back. but a variant of revenant vd i love is when they r crazily evil. like maniac and murderious. i just eat that shit up omg i love it so much. i got that religious trauma, the betrayal trauma, and the trust issues for them. i got it all omg i love this character so much. i can do so much with them so i think thats why i love them so much.

heres an idea of how they look. its pretty similar to how cult vd looks but more wild ig?

around this time my art started getting more coherent

i like this one. idk the face came out really well and it kinda shows how i wanted them to be. these were all sketches in notebooks during school when i was bored. i eventually got a sketchbook but thats further down the timeline

heres the heroforge for revenant VD. i loved the trenchcoat idea and the blood on the mask never going away. i remember watching someone in my middle school theatre class perform that one monologue from macbeth where the lady starts going crazy over the blood never washing away from her hands. this was a long time ago but it stuck with me. i really liked that symbolism of the blood still on her hands and how it means guilt of her crime. it was so cool. i ruined it by making it magical blood that never came off bc revenant was cursed when they initially died; edgy for the sake of it, which i previously said isnt a good place for a character. i think ive refined the design further but its lost in notebook margins and scraps of paper. such a shame.

revenant VD i like to think is associated with death in some way. maybe being an undead and filled with rage at the circumstances of their death, or being a proponent of death, like a reaper. i like those ideas. i actually made that concept

this is in my sketchbook. i think one of the first things i drew in it. i love that sketchbook. i love scythes, both the two handed and one handed ones. i think they work perfectly with plague doctor reaper characters.

one thing i associate with the modern version of revenant is like a apostle of myrkul transformation in baldurs gate 3. this ofc is if revenant takes on a more antagonistic role instead of being a pc. i love that boss fight and really think sometine like it could fit with my little revenant vd.

i think revenant vd would actually be many things. first obviously oathbreaker paladin but thats obvious. i was also thinking phantom rogue for all the allusions to death. they could also be an undead warlock. if i were to play smth similar to revenant vd in dnd, id make a phantom rogue undead warlock multiclass. i think it works surprisingly well actually. i could ask the dm to have my patron (death) collect soul trinkets like reaping souls on a regular basis and each long rest i need to consume one of them to keep alive.

oh yeah thats something else i really want to explore with this character. because they are undead i want to explore their need to consume life to keep alive. in minecraft i played around with the idea of them needing to break totems of undying every once in a while but honestly that was because i had a totem farm and too many totems for my shulker box. but the idea of them needing to consume some form of sacred life to keep their undeath is something i love and want to play around with.

anyways revenant VD is my most versatile character. idk how an evil character can do so much but they can. i love them so much.

the last character that originated in the minecraft server and one im still working on is doctor VD or Doctor Vyn.

i just want some appreciation for the second variant which i never got to use at all. i had to find it on my minecraft launcher instead on namemc because i never used it. i just love it but no one appreciated it. :( the undone tie im still so proud of

i just put this in cuz its so gender omg i love it sm :D

i just made this heroforge cuz i didnt have one. i never got to properly explore this character idea so its the one i keep trying to bring back. i think actually exploring the doctor part in plague doctor so thats why this iteration just keeps haunting me.

i think this iteration would be either an alchemist or artilerist artificer. this iteration was the last character i made for the minecraft server and it didnt go well. they were burnt out from the chaos they caused while serving death ig and just wanted to settle and research why they were able to come back. it was called "death research" and i had so many plans in minecraft. i should make a post about my ideas for the servers afterlife and stuff. its rough but i was trying. and def had no inspirations from that one minecraft server that everyone knew about.

this is the start of my descent into doctor madness. god i made so many ocs that r just doctors. i had variations of the artificer doctor and a rogue and i just went crazy. its still a character i want to play, ya know actually going into the doctor part of plague doctor. for now imma put a pin in the doctor research thingy and move onto season 2 of the server.

yes we had a season 2.

it had much less people than the first season and ran a couple months shorter than season 1. "lore" never started, not like how it was in s1. back then i was really disappointed but looking with hindsight, im glad it never got off the ground. we tried so many things. omg. but ill go over those later.

first: my character. i called them winterhold VD.

heres the skin i used for winterhold vd. i previously changed the mask color for a minecraft skin i barely used and so i did it here and it looks good. i think this skin looks more coherent than the ones from season 1.

heres winterhold vd with a little silly xmas hat. honestly playing in a snowy area while it was winter was really fun. it doesnt snow where i live so i kinda got that aesthetic in minecraft. it was honestly perfect. i loved building in the snowy patches and having large campfires and light sources to melt away the snow to clear paths. it was practical but also fed into our citys story.

anyways lastly we have the heroforge. i love this heroforge. somehow i managed to perfect replicate how the minecraft skin looked using the limited clothes in heroforge. the scythe makes an appearance for something explained later

i love this season a lot bc we had an actual theme. my group lived ontop a massive snowy mountain, almost like a plateau and i built viking like structures. it was so fun. the main "plot point" i remember was that we struggled with food for so long. we took over the village on the plateau and the farms were so sparse. there were like 4 of us that needed to be fed. oh also before we even got to the food problem, we had to fend off others since everyone wanted the mountain view. anyways, we had barely any food. i took charge and started growing lines of potatoes and wheat. if u dont know, in minecraft, growing crops in alternating lines actually make them grow faster. i cleared out a large patch in the middle of the village and spent days farming potatoes and wheat. i loved how the scythe ties that part of winterholds story in. we went from barely surviving and needing to jump off the mountainside to our dooms to refill our hunger to having a full chest of yummy potatoes. when we got access to the nether roof, my friend made her famous porkchop farm and we had even more food. it was such a good story from the actual gameplay and not planned at all.

but i had to ruin it, ofc.

i loved the story of us growing from nothing to a thriving nordic city so i decided to take it a step further. i thought it could be interesting if VD wanted more. they became obsessed with excess. they never wanted to run out of resources ever again. they started building more farms. more and more. farms we really didnt need, like a massive cactus farm and more crop fields. it was so much and we barely had any space to store any of it. finally VD asked their friend to expand the farms and build an industrial district far from winterhold. it was so far that the ice highway we built still took around 2 mins to get there. in that area my friend and i tried to build every farm imaginable. we got nowhere close. but it was definitely fun.

i really wanted to be the evil capitalist, something akin to how outer worlds is described in the fine print. but i never got anywhere close. that lore never shot off.

this server was in 1.19 so i really wanted to do something with sculk. so i started.. uh sculk research. this is going back to the doctor oc. i cleared out an ancient city and start slowly renovating the center out - i never got further than in the center structure. i was really proud of the little lab i made in the redstone area. it had test chambers and a library and a desk area. all pretty standard for a lab right? VD really wanted to study what sculk is and how it works. i as the person making the story and everything, kinda had nothing to go off of. sculk was completely fictional and original. (genuinely good job mojang). i had the minecraft "lore" vids from retrogamingnow and game theory but like i wasnt gonna copy those was i? i really wanted to do smth with the big portal in the center of the ancient city and sculk as a power source (i forgot which channel came up with that). i thought it could be cool if VD discovered how to open the portal and it led to the universe from s1. (yeah that multiversal shit everyone was tired of by 2023) but i really wanted to try it. it got nowhere. i had plans where the portal would open and revenant vd would step out, looking into the fresh new world to cause more carnage.

this is the skin i had planned for the whole thing. i have an alt acc i wanted to control along side my main acc. with hindsight, this would have been impossible to do to the scale i wanted. thats why this never got anywhere. i think this is where i realized i never fully got over revenant VD. this is a feeling that wont really go away.

we finally get the last iteration, as of now, of VD. it gets to be less of a character and more of just a persona for the current minecraft im playing on. i got tired of the doctor aesthetic and but still wanted to "research" so i created a wizard. honestly i just wanted an excuse to build with purple blocks. after some revisions, which are sadly public on my namemc profile i landed on

i love this skin. i wanted my whole aesthetic to be questionably evil. my base *looks* like it can be evil but the inside looks cozy and bright. theres an evil basement but nothing sinister has happened, yet. i dont think anything sinister is going to happen.

im taking a route closer to hermitcraft than rp servers. they make an aesthetic, build by it, maybe change their skin, and have fun rp moments. i like how simple that is. impulse, gem, grian, scar, and mumbo are all good examples of this. as of now, im tired of minecraft rp like i had it before. honestly ttrpgs are much better suited for this or just straight up acting. i will miss those angst moments and making skins for each "phase" of my character but the trend is dead and my friends are tired. the current server has been really clean of serious minecraft rp. its just been us fucking around for the most part. i dont want that to change. at this point im actively shutting down any attempts for serious rp. this is minecraft, we are friends, and we dont need to pretend to hate each other. it made keeping the actual friend ships hard. we barely scripted anything so everything was improv. BIG mistake first of all. but also that meant i had to come up with conflicts and deal with conflict while staying in character. i couldnt do it. it broke me and im glad im not doing something like that ever again.

anyways that that got deep. now i wanna quickly go thru some honorable mentions. personas im proud of but didnt need a whole section dedicated to them. oo boy, time to scroll thru my minecraft launcher

first up my desert cleric skin

i really like this one. i used in a minecraft event where we were all trapped in a big desert and had to make a village. it was my first minecraft event for that youtuber and i think i really killed the character. i made a temple and farmed potatoes for the people. food was hard to get and potatoes are easiest thing to farm. i was a "peace loving, pun slinging, potato farming person, definitely not copied from anyone else" i slowly became a favorite in the village, mostly bc it took a while to farm the potatoes and distribute them. im really proud of the muted purple mask, matching the purple robe. i tried it with my usual bright purple but it just didnt look right. this muted purple fits into the muted tones of the desert really well.

well now shoutout to the 1.19 update cuz

this one i love also. it kinda inspired the whole sculk corruption thing i was going for. i wore this skin sometimes but i could never find a fit for it. i guess i had it when 1.19 came out and was exploring it but outside of that and maybe "lore" it has no other use. ig other than looking cool. cuz it looks really cool.

oh god ok i do want to talk abt this one cuz i think its cool but oh god im gonna really make the furry alegations get worse

this was a skin i made for an origins server my friends had when that was popular. i was the origin "felvaxian" from the origins ++ mod. really good mod but holy shit was the felvaxian op. it was flavored to be a mix between a cat and crow but the naming scheme made no sense. i think it was an original idea, which.. like yeah made sense. it was so op but so fun. i had like a constant 9 block jump, took no fall damage, had an invisible elytra, the inventory from the shulker origin, constant night vision, and when i crouched i went completely invis. the only downsides was that i was a carnivore and i hungered quicker. we fixed that with a porkchop farm very quickly. but i loved the origin and that server dearly. i made a cat tree for a base. it was the perfect height off the ground where my jump could make it but no one else could get on. only other origins with movement abilities could make it which was very interesting. i actually was so happy with the design i made a heroforge of it

like winterhold vd, i was pretty proud of how this came out. it looked exactly like the skin. i later modded the pack to show the wings and get rid of the ugly filter, making this my perfect origin. i just love it too much.

uh next up has nothing to do any story or anything, i just wanted to show it off

im kenough

(if i couldnt get the actual sweater, i had to atleast get a minecraft version of it)

now to get festive. im just gonna show all these at once since theyre my festive skins

anyways happy halloween in summer, heh

ok tumblr is yelling at me because i reached the picture limit. so ill just make a part two. dang tumblr. i didnt know there was a photo limit. so uh yeah see ya in part 2

[leaflovescloud]

Hi, world. 

Just feel calm and peaceful this morning. At the very least, I feel like I have regained some control over my life. 

I did some really basic yoga and tried to meditate a little bit. Again, a sense of familiarity, various flash backs, because that was me, before all of these. I was so contented, so grounded. Just a girl trying to work her life out. Now, a year later, I’m back to that girl again. 

I really want to be that girl again, of course, this time, I hope to be better. 

Yesterday, was our anniversary. I was wondering, how would our 1st anniversary go if none of these have happened? :) But that doesn’t matter, because our anniversary is not happening anyways. I thought of last year, this day - it was really beautiful, to officially welcoming someone to come into my life, and spend time together, building our memories. It was really beautiful. Perhaps I should just leave it as that. At least, we once had what I’m really looking for in a relationship. 

Yesterday, was also a kinda sad day. Just felt low energy in general. Eyes were teary when I was on the grab, just felt awful I guess. I thought of drinking, but don’t even have the appetite to drink haha. But I had a glass of wine still. 

I’m really looking forward to the day when I’m fully recovered. I really don’t enjoy being like this. Low energy all the time. As opposed to him, my coping mechanism is damn shitty. I will need a lot of time I guess. Time will heal, they say. I guess so...?

And I feel like I need to get my mind steer clear from my intention of using dating apps. What I’m trying to achieve. Cos honestly, I think it’s quite impossible to find someone who could potentially form meaningful connection with me. I don’t know, but some of the guys are indeed hot as, whilst it don’t intimidate me, I just don’t think I am the kind of girl that they are looking for. Like, since they are already so hot, they would have certain criteria on the girls that they are dating right. 

Wait, again, I’m start shaming myself. Argh shouldn’t do that. I think the whole purpose of this recovery journey, is also for me to build my inner confidence. I think I just have to trust, that there will be this person who could accept me and my skin condition. And of course, I may not find this person right away, I guess I’ll just have to be patient. 

I’ve been talking to this guy. And I think I know what’s the actual reason I’m talking to him. Because he sounds a lot like him, or perhaps even culturally speaking. And again, a sense of familiarity. I guess for me myself, I’m just trying to seek comfort from him, to make good of the fact that I no longer have him. But at the same time, I’m also minded of what are the consequences. And this leads to my whole intention and purpose, what do I want now? 

For now, at such a pre-mature and initial stage - I literally want nothing. Perhaps, just want to grieve as much and as long as I could. 

I’ve come across this ig post - where what it had to say about ‘closure’ is this - 

‘I believe closure is having the ability to transition, walking after that crippling event or relationship. Closure then is courage. Closure is not allowing what happened to have power over you, determine who you are, or how you want to live your life. That piece of your story contributed to your journey. It is not polish. Not tarnish. Closure doesn’t have to mean forgetting about or erasing memories.

The events that have happened to us, the relationships we have been through, they are valuable. To hope they didn’t happen or push them away is not closure. That is denial. Closure means to accept, learn from, but most important begin again. Closure is daily forgiveness. Closure is a bridge,, not a door.” 

I find this quote very empowering and closely resonates to my heart, that’s what the inner Winnie wants to hear. I think for the past few days, I have been living in denial, trying to discredit what we had, trying very hard to forget, trying very hard to blame myself, and again like what I said yesterday, sure it would help with short term recovery, but one day, if any of those memories come visiting again, I will be left with a lot of pain. 

And that really isn’t how a closure should be. I decided not to be so harsh to myself. I’m allowing myself to cry when I want to, to sob when I want to, and not asking myself “Why am I so weak?” because that’s not a sign of weakness at all. I just need to let all these emotions out. It’s a sign of grieving, in fact. 

Again, perspective really does matter. It could take a huge turn on how you view things and feel things. 

I think what Yvonne said, was correct. I remember thanking her after her long ass lecture cos that made be feel a bit better. And she said, she didn’t do anything, but what is more important is that, I need to help myself. 

This morning, whilst I was meditating, I put my right hand close to my heart, I do feel a connection, a very strange connection, as if I’m feeling the inner Winnie. And I said, “I love you, Winnie. Very much. Sorry I have allowed you to be in such pain for so long. Sorry for neglected you.” Because for far too long, my heart hasn’t be at the right place. I was in constant pain. 

As much as I’m now in grieve, I can’t thank enough for what I’m having at the present. It’s so nice to have a space where I can call it home, not having to share it with others. Even though, it can be quite lonely at times, but I’m still grateful for this. 

I also delivered some small gift to his Mum yesterday. Honestly, I really don’t know what I should do. I just really don’t want to appear to be an ungrateful brat for what they have done for me. And in fact, I feel like I’m forever indebted to them. And I don’t want to leave without saying a goodbye. That, is the very least that I can do. At least, that’s part of closure as well. 

Now, I’m starting this new chapter, on my own. 

I can only hope, this will be a great one. 2021, hasn’t been so kind to me. Whilst my accident happened, and I blamed everything for that, I guess 2021 could have been worse if the accident went much worst. So, that in a way gave me a little bit of comfort. And of course, being grateful. I don’t think 2nd chance in life do come by in life, knocking your door always. The experience was daunting, but that’s part of my journey, that’s my story to tell and I hope it makes me a stronger person rather than consuming me slowly. That’s something that I’m still working on. 

I love you, Winnie. Just want you to know that. 

WC