#barely endured that s04

[quietparanoiac]

Guess who watched season 4 of Hakan: Muhafız and can't stop thinking about how lovely would it be to vid the same OCs once again.

[teamhappyme]

a series of promising events (3/5)

aaron hotchner x female!reader

word count: 6.4k 

a/n: part 3! thank you so much for all the love and support on the first 2 parts! hope you guys enjoy this part, because these are 2 of my favorite criminal minds episode. some themes, cases, dialogue taken directly from the show (S04 EP03, & S07 EP24).

also, if you’ve interacted with previous parts, first of all, thank you thank you. second, i have added you to the tag list. if you want to be removed, just let me know! :)

alright friends, let’s go!

here are the links to part 1 & part 2

****

June 2011

You were stupid. It always amazed you how you made it this far in your life with the amount of stupid situations you put yourself in. You kept pressure on the six inch gash running up your calf, lucky enough to tie off some of the wound by tearing off part of your pant leg. But you were still stuck in this goddamn compound, ready for the place to blow any second.

It was supposed to be a simple undercover interview and investigation. You and Spencer were among victims in an underground cult accused of child abuse. You’d been there all of two hours before the local SWAT team attempted to raid the compound, and an additional two before they found out the FBI was there.

Reid played dumb at first, trying to deny the accusations the best he could. But when they held two guns to his head, you were quick to offer up a confession.

“Get up.”

Cyrus led you to the storage room and kicked the shit out of you. You consider yourself a strong woman, you’d endured a lot of emotional trauma in your childhood, and in your time with the BAU, some scars on your body. But nothing to the extent of a narcissistic self proclaimed prophet who felt the power slipping through his fingers. 

You’d counted the kicks to your abdomen; there were three. Two punches to the face, and one shove to the concrete wall resulting in a broken mirror. It was safe to say you’d earned your stripes today. 

After your brief meeting with the congregation, and quickly assuring Spencer you were okay, you were locked back up in your room. Luckily, you were still mic'd up. 

Your hands were bound behind your back, so you kicked up the shade with the heel of your boot. 

“If you can hear me, I know you're coming. I can try to get the women and children to the tunnel, but I need to know when you’re coming.”

You repeated this like a mantra for fifteen minutes, praying that they could still hear you. “I need to know when you’re coming.”

With one more flick of the shade, the red laser from a sniper shown on your bedroom wall. “Okay, okay I see you. I need to know what time.” The light blinks three times, and you can feel your heartbeat rising. “Three a.m.?” Up and down, like nodding their head. “Understood. Reid is somewhere on the first floor with Cyrus, please find him.” 

Before closing your eyes from the excruciating pain your ribs were in from talking, the laser moved again. It took you a few seconds to decipher what they were trying to tell you, but after the third trace, you could barely let out a laugh. It was a check mark. 

“Thanks Hotch. A point for you.” You heard the sound of scurried footsteps running up the stairs, and you quickly put your foot down on the bed. “Someone's coming.”

It was Jane, coming in to check on your injuries again. She helped you sit up, guiding the glass of water she brought in to your mouth. 

“Cyrus is planning a mass suicide.” Her eyes widened as she pulled the glass away from you. “You made that 911 call.”

“This is all my fault. None of this would be happening if I hadn't made that call.” 

“You were trying to protect your daughter.”

She shook her head. “There were other girls before Jessie. He married them. And then when she came running to me for my consent, all I wanted was to take her and run. But I knew she wouldn’t leave without him.”

“This isn’t your fault.” You held one of her hands, needing her to understand this more than anything. “The FBI is coming at three a.m. I need you to gather Jessica, the kids, the other women, and get them into the basement just before three a.m.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

You sighed. Because I’ve been in your position before, you thought. You’ve been the scared follower in the corner of the room, praying for someone to save you while doing nothing. Until you finally took action, and attempted to save yourself and the people you cared about.

“Because I have faith that you are a strong enough woman to do the right thing for Jessica.” She stood up, not being able to look at you before she exited the room. 

Rationally, you knew there was a low chance you were getting out of here unscathed from the blast. There was no way you’d leave until everyone was out of the building, and you had found Spencer. But having your hands tied up locked in a secret room was not the easiest place to escape. 

You tried not to think of the fatal end of the day. You tried not to think of the fact that you were thirty years old, three months from turning thirty one, and had yet to travel on a plane for fun. You tried not to focus on all of your shortcomings, because there were many. Instead, you focused on the fact that your team was half a mile up the hill, waiting to safely bring you out.

What felt like only ten minutes later, Jane had come back to the room, quickly motioning for you to stand up. 

“You were right. They’re setting the place to blow up. I told Jessie Cyrus wanted her to gather the women and children in the basement.” She untied your hands, and you rolled your wrists a few times to get the mobility back.

“Where is the man I came in with?”

“He’s in the chapel with Cyrus. It’s two forty-five though, we gotta hurry.” She led you out of the room and down to the basement. There was an immense pounding in your head with every step you took, but you tried to push it away as you ushered the women down.

You could hear the tac team approaching, and made sure you were the first one in the basement to make sure it was safe. When you saw Derek’s face, you let out the breath you’d been holding. 

“Y/n, you okay?” He grabbed a hold of your elbow, helping you down the steps. 

“They’ve wired explosives.”

“Where’s Reid?” 

“He’s in the chapel with Cyrus.” You placed a hand over your forehead, the pounding settling in over your right eye. 

Derek rested a hand on your back, trying to lead you out of the compound. “We’ve gotta get you out of here.”

“No, not without Reid!”

A scream directed your’s and Derek’s attention to Jane, trying to stop Jessica from leaving the basement. “No!” 

“Ma’am, we’ll get her for you.” I held onto her shoulders, making sure she focused on me. 

“I’ll get her for you Jane. Derek, take her out.”

“L/n,” He warned, not ready to have two agents back in the line of fire.

“Take her out of this building so I can get her daughter and Reid!” You exclaimed, pushing Jane to follow Derek out. He relented, knowing he couldn’t talk you out of this. 

The SWAT team led you through the basement this time, following the sound of Jessica’s footsteps. The team took out two of Cyrus’s goonies, as you yelled for them to take a left to the chapel. You were closing in, and you could hear their voices. 

Cyrus had Spencer pinned against the wall, rifle to his chest, as Jessie and her daughter walked into the chapel. She got Cyrus’s attention as he kneed Reid in the gut twice with the butt of the rifle.

But before he could reach his family, your team took him and his second hand out. You raced over to the girls, trying to pull them away from the site of Cyrus’s dead body. But Jessica stayed in place, eyes trained on it. 

“We gotta go, sweetheart. Cmon.”

Her eyes shifted to yours for a second before looking at her feet, the yellow detonator lying next to her shoes. She grabbed it before you had a chance to reach forward, her shaky hands trying to hold on. 

“Get out of here!” You yelled out to the team, turning to make sure Spencer followed your order too. Jessie looked down at the button again as you reached for her two year old daughter, making sure she wouldn’t get hurt. “Please, don’t do this. You don’t need to follow him anymore.”

A single tear fell down her cheek, and you knew this was only going to end one way. You backed up towards the exit as she looked at you one more time. 

“He’s my husband.”

After those words, you picked up the toddler and ran out of the chapel, making it halfway down the walkway before it exploded. It threw you to the ground, but you made sure it was you who collided with the pavement, grasping onto her head to make sure she didn’t crack it.

The moments after were quiet, surprisingly enough. Everyone is always stunned to silence for a few seconds after witnessing such an event. But you barely had time to sit up and let out a proper cough before you heard Hotch and Prentiss calling your name. 

“I’m okay. I have the baby, we’re okay.” They knelt down next to you as you felt the cut on your forehead open up again. 

“Y/n,” 

“Take the baby!” I handed her over to Hotch, not wanting to look at anyone besides Spencer. 

“L/n,” 

“Where is Reid? Did he make it out?” You tried to look around Emily to find him, but she held your shoulders in place. 

“He’s fine Y/n. He’s getting checked out by a paramedic. C’mon, you need to go to the hospital.”

“No, I need-”

“You need to listen to me.” She offered you her hand, and as the adrenaline started to wear off and the pulsing in your leg came back, you took it. “Okay.”

Emily rode with you to the hospital just in case anything happened. But you were quick to shoo her out of your exam room once you got to the hospital. You needed a minute to yourself, and you were exhausted.

The doctor’s had cleared you to travel back to Virginia on the jet tonight, which was now early morning, but wanted you to get a few more hours of rest before heading out. They stitched up the cut on your leg, and diagnosed you with a minor concussion and a few bruised ribs. Lucky, to say the least.

Even though they gave you some pain meds to help you sleep, you were barely unconscious when you heard one of the hospital chairs scratch against the tile floor. Your eyes shot open, and you tried to sit up, forgetting about your bruised ribs. 

“Hey, take it easy,” You looked over to find Hotch sitting in one of the chairs, the cause of the scratching. “Are you alright?”

“Where’s Spencer?” You needed to find him and apologize for leaving him alone at the compound. “He’s in the waiting room, he’s a little bruised but he’s okay.”

You were successful in sitting up the second time, trying to get the blankets off your body. “I need to talk to him.” 

“You’re not going anywhere. You have a concussion, and you're highly medicated, so sit down.”

Hotch placed a hand on your arm in an attempt to get you to lie back down, but you fought against it, pushing him and the sheets away. 

He continued talking to you, trying to get you in a comfortable position and not cause any more pain to your pretty damaged body. But as he draped the sheet back over you, you began to feel suffocated by the room. 

“Hotch, I need to tell him I’m sorry,” The sheets were scratching your legs, and the increased beeping on your heart monitor increased the anxiety in your already restricted chest. Wait, how was the baby? Did you get her to safety? “The baby, Jessie’s baby,” You closed your eyes, not able to finish your sentence as the pounding returned over your left eye.

“Y/n,” 

“I can’t breathe Hotch. My lungs,” Your eyes started to water, your mind trying to think of a physical explanation to what was really going on. You were having a panic attack. “Fuck, I can’t-” You were hyperventilating now, your hands resting on your chest, trying to calm your breathing down.

“Look at me,” Hotch asked. But you closed your eyes to focus on something else, anything else, and you refused to open them back up. “I can’t.” 

All you could see was Spencer’s face as Cyrus took you away from him. His wide eyes, full of terror for you and for him. You saw the smile on Cyrus’s face as he threw you to the floor. You saw Jessica take her daughter’s hand, ready to kill themselves just to fulfill Cyrus’s prophecy. And you saw the look in Jane’s face as they told her it was Jessica who didn’t survive. After you told her you would get her daughter out. 

“I can’t,” You felt the tears escape your eyes before you registered what was happening, your shoulders starting to shake in unison. 

But you felt two arms snake around your body, pulling you into a tight embrace. You tensed for a moment, acknowledging the blue and white dress shirt under your fingers as Hotch’s. Instead of saying anything, you tucked your chin on top of his shoulder, trying to find some purchase to rest your head. You focused on his breathing as he chose to stay silent, letting you settle the thoughts in your head. 

And after a couple minutes, it worked. You know that the baby was taken to an ambulance to get checked out before you. You saw Spencer walk out of the chapel thirty seconds before you. And you could feel yourself breathing in this hospital bed, having successfully matched your breathing to Hotch’s. 

Hotch. 

At the acknowledgement of his arms secured around your middle, your heart picked up a little.

In the six years you’d spent with him as your unit chief, you’d never embraced him like this before. At Haley’s funeral you gave him a quick, respectful hug. In close calls involving the team, you’d give each other a comforting pat on the shoulder. But nothing to this extent. There wasn’t an inch of space between the two of you. You could smell his cologne without even trying, and you could feel the muscles in his shoulders soften underneath his dress shirt. You were so close to him. 

Too close.

“Hotch,” You muttered out, your voice a little hoarse from the crying. His grip loosened on your waist, like he forgot what was happening and where you were. 

“Don’t call me Hotch while you’re lying in a hospital bed. It’s Aaron.”

You could feel a slight tug at the corner of your lips as you pulled away from him. You’d never called him by his first name, at least never to his face. It felt intimate in a way you’d never been with him before. The name was a key to his past, opening the gate to his life outside of the BAU. Into his life as Aaron Hotchner, father, brother, soccer coach, Jack’s best friend. A life you loved to catch snippets of.

“Are you okay?” He asked again, once you were settled back against your pillows. He’d only asked you a million times since you woke up. “Why do you need to apologize to Reid?”

You let out a sigh. “Because I left him alone in that compound. I split us up, I put fifty innocent lives in danger and a child died because of it.”

“If you didn’t fess up to Cyrus, you would both be dead right now. Reid got into his good graces and helped save those fifty innocent people. As for Jessica,” He sighed. “She made up her mind. And there was nothing you could’ve said that would’ve changed it.”

You nodded before closing your eyes, trying to let the truth seep into your bones. 

“You’re so much stronger than you think, y/n. You took a beating like that and still managed to assure us that you could take it. I was ready to move in once I heard him throw you to the ground.” He was picking at his fingernails and you looked over at him. “You don’t give yourself enough credit for all the shit you accomplish.”

“Thank you, Aaron.” He’d become deaf to the tenderness ever present in his voice, but he wouldn’t forget the sound of his name rolling off your tongue for as long as he lived. He didn’t know how he survived six years without hearing you say it. But it wasn’t the time or place to delve into how it made him feel. So, he settled for a smile. One that made his dimples shine. 

“Y/n?” You looked over to the door, your gauky doctor standing in the doorway. “How are you?”

“I’m okay.” You motioned for him to come into the room, and he slowly made his way over to your side. You made space for him on the bed, but he didn’t move to sit next to you. “Spence, it’s okay. Take a seat.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice was so quiet, and you knew he felt as much guilt for letting you go as you did for leaving him. “I shouldn’t have let you go. I should’ve stopped him.”

You heard Hotch stand up from his seat, but you were only focused on Spencer. You pulled his hands down, begging him to sit down next to you. He got the hint, trying to hide the miniscule amount of tears forming in his eyes. 

But you placed your arms around him instead, not wanting him to apologize over and over until you accepted. Because this wasn’t his fault. “I’m sorry for leaving you. But I didn’t want you to get hurt. This wasn’t your fault. I need you to know this wasn’t your fault.” You felt him nod his head against your shoulder, and let out a breath that sounded too similar to a laugh. It only got one out of Spencer in return.

You met Hotch’s eye over Spencer’s shoulder, giving you a nod before letting the two of you have your moment. 

You pulled away, both your faces dry despite the wavering voices. One small victory. 

“Next time, let me take the beating.” You smiled as you tried to stand up out of the bed, having a clear head making all the difference this time around.

“Let’s hope there isn’t a next time. Now c'mon,” You pointed to your go bag and walked toward the bathroom. “Hand me that so we can get the hell out of this place.”

****

May 2012

The last thirty-six hours had been a whirlwind. You were exhausted, and the last thing you wanted to be doing was putting makeup and high heels on to go to a party. Your bed was calling you, ready for you to take refuge under the fluffy covers. But one of your best friends was getting married, and nothing was going to stop you from being there for JJ.

When she walked down the aisle in her mother’s wedding gown, she looked ethereal. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think weddings were made with the image of Jennifer Jareau looking like an angel in mind. With Spencer’s help, Henry gave his parents their wedding bands, a smile on his face as they shared their first kiss as husband and wife. And no matter how hard you and Garcia tried, you couldn’t keep the tears from flowing down your face. Weddings, like most everything, got you to cry.

Now an hour later, you were taking a rest at the round table Rossi had set up for the small occasion. His backyard was transformed with white canopies and flower petals, the small dance floor in full swing. You sat down once you reached your chair, letting out a sigh of relief. Dancing with Jack Hotchner had worn out your heel clad feet, making you regret the decision not to wear flats. 

Despite the events of the last few days, everyone seemed to be happy and enjoying a night free of anxiety. It was one of the few times you’d seen Erin Strauss crack a smile around your BAU team members, and you hoped it would last a little longer once you were back in the office. It was nice to see Anderson and Kevin outside of the bullpen, getting to talk about something other than serial killers and last known whereabouts. It felt like a normal family, celebrating two people that they all loved. 

Weddings always made you believe in the bigger picture. Despite all the evil in the world, the amount of love two people shared with one another would always conquer it all. And weddings like these, between two people who put their lives on the line everyday, made you believe that you could find this source of happiness, this lifetime commitment despite everything you’ve gone through. It had to give you hope.

But as you rested your sweater over your shoulders and looked out at the couples sharing a dance, you couldn’t help but notice the empty feeling in your heart. 

“Hey party pooper, you tired already?” Spencer took the seat to your left, a toothy grin resting on his face. He looked incredibly handsome tonight in his black suit and bowtie, a break from his sweaters and khakis. He had blushed red as a tomato when you and Penelope complemented his look, trying to boost his confidence. And maybe embarrass him a bit. “You’re the youngest one here minus the toddlers and you’re the first one to tap out. I had my money on Rossi.”

You laughed while skimming your feet against the tips of the grass. “I’m resting up for my turn with Derek. He told me I’m not leaving this place until he sees me, and I quote, ‘cut up a rug’ with him.” 

Morgan and Garcia were currently the life of the dance floor, moving in sync with one another as best friends do. Your smile always grew when you witnessed the two of them together. 

“You did a good job with your groomsmen duty. Didn’t lose the rings, made sure Henry knew his job. Maybe you’ll be number one on JJ’s babysitting speed dial.”

“And surpass you? That'll be the day that animals speak.” You nodded, a small smile gracing your lips. “Glad you know your place.”

The two of you looked up to see Rossi and Strauss dancing together, and you raised your brows toward Spencer. He informed you what him and Penelope witnessed a few mornings ago, and the three of you were determined to find out what the relationship was between the wise father figure and section chief. But as long as he was happy, you really couldn’t care less.

“Has Emily found you yet?” You asked, afraid to be the first to approach the subject. After her last disappearance, it took Spencer a while to forgive her and JJ. The grieving process was hard for him, it was hard for all of you. He spent weeks at JJ’s house, guilt consuming him for not putting together the link between Lauren Reynolds and Prentiss. He blamed himself just as much as Derek did. And he missed the one person who could see through him, and crush him at poker. 

“Yeah, she did.” 

“And are you okay?”

“I will be.” He looked over at me, a sad smile on his face. “At least we can call her this time.”

You were happy that Spencer could look back on Emily’s ‘death’ and laugh about it with you. There was a silver lining to every situation, every experience we go through. At least, that’s what you told yourself to help you get through the hard days.

“What about you?” You looked over at him, a wrinkle between your brows. 

“Hmm?”

He sighed and nudged his head to the dance floor. “You really expect me to believe you didn’t come over here to sit and sulk while watching Hotch and Beth dance the night away?”

Your eyes found their way to the couple, swaying back and forth with smiles that couldn’t help but be contagious. A smile that only you used to be able to get from Hotch. And that little reminder was all it took for your smile to fall.

Hotch had introduced you all to Beth three months ago at the triathlon. They’d been training together for a few months until Hotch got the nerve to ask her out the week before the big day, with a little push from Dave nonetheless. She was the first woman he’d seen after Haley, a little over two years since her death. You were proud of him for moving on, and you were happy that he’s enjoying his life guilt free. 

Beth was a beautiful woman, both inside and out. She was an art curator who ran triathlons and went to cute coffee shops in her free time. Anyone would be crazy not to be enamored by her. She kept Aaron on his toes, pushing him when he needed to go out of his comfort zone, an easy balance between the two of them. She was amazing with Jack, camping out and making forts with the two boys in the apartment. The little boy was more than okay with the new woman in his father's life.

But with the addition of Beth in Hotch’s life, your presence wasn’t as frequent as it used to be. Friday game nights had disappeared along with Saturday dinners, replaced by date night and movies with Jack. The worried phone calls about a cold, or the rush for a babysitter were now directed to Beth. The pictures of Jack playing with legos or running in the park now came from JJ when there was a scheduled playdate with Henry. You had been placed back into your spot as coworker, SSA y/n l/n of the BAU.

“I’m happy for him.” You settled on the vague truth, because you weren’t going to make tonight about you and your bruised feelings. “She’s a wonderful woman and he deserves to be happy.”

“So do you.” Yeah, you thought, I do.

“You know when I was a little girl, I used to dream about my future. It was the only thing that kept me going when I moved from home to home.” You admitted with a shallow laugh. “When you’re little, you have no perception of time, or any obstacles life throws in your way. And I think I wanted to believe more than anything, that life outside of the system was going to be magical. No matter what advantages or disadvantages I faced, I was going to make it magical.

“When I was fifteen, I thought I would be married and have popped out a baby by the time I was thirty. I told myself I would find my husband in college, a nice boy with big ambitions that loved me right. I would have a desk job, maybe be a secretary, something that gave me some interaction with people. We’d buy a house in the suburbs somewhere with window boxes and a big backyard. We’d have three or four kids by the time I was thirty five, and they would fill the house with their giggles and tiny footsteps. My job would be flexible enough so that they wouldn’t have to spend the whole day in daycare. I was going to be the perfect mother.

“I had it all planned out,” Your voice fell off as you looked back at Spencer. “But here I am at thirty one years old. Single, childless, pining over a man I can’t have, while trying not to get blown up by psychotic serial killers everyday.” 

You couldn’t help yourself, stealing another look at Hotch. It nearly broke your heart in two to see his dimple from across the lawn.

“And fifteen years later, I’m still putting other people’s happiness before my own.” You stood up, placing your sweater back on your chair. Spencer had scolded you time and time again that you were going to be destroyed if you kept up this caring charade. Hotch had even tried to warn you about your efforts early on, but you were a stubborn girl. Looking back at Spencer, you hated seeing the pity he held for you in his eyes. You never wanted to be this girl. “But I’m happy for him.”

So you put on your most convincing smile, and motioned for him to follow you to the dance floor. He was hesitant, but he knew better than to continue his interrogation after your round about explanation. This wasn’t the place to delve into your mind. And the two of you knew that.

As soon as you stepped onto the dance floor, you were calling out for Derek Morgan to show you his moves. You needed a distraction, and you needed to have some fun. He wrapped his arms around you lightly, implying that you would not be slowly swaying like the boring people surrounding you. 

He led you into what felt like a quickstep, bringing you up and down your side of the floor, leading you like a professional. You couldn’t stop the laughs from spilling out of your mouth as he spun you around and twirled you right back into his chest. Skipping around the dance floor with Derek was the last thing you expected to be doing at JJ’s wedding, but you were more than happy with the outcome. 

After a few songs with the next Fred Astaire, Emily dragged you over to JJ, attempting a trio sway. Garcia joined you after a moment, giggles being shared across the square of dancing women. These three ladies were the sisters you prayed for as a kid, and you were about to be one man down for the first time in six years. For real, this time. 

You leaned to your left and pressed a kiss to Emily’s cheek, and she smiled. “Are you making a move on me?” 

Penelope let out a laugh as you shook your head. “I’m just grateful to have had you in my life for this long.” The smirk on her face fell, and you swear there were tears in her eyes. 

“Nope! I was promised there would be no crying tonight,” Garcia stopped the moment from turning into a goodbye, and you laughed. “Sorry, you’re right. It was a move.”

JJ shook her head as Emily held your eyes for another second, mouthing a ‘thank you’ to you. You gave her a nod as JJ spun you under her arm.

“Alright, even though you're hitched, you can still come to ladies night with us, right?” Penelope asking the important questions here. 

You smiled as JJ nodded. “You couldn’t keep me away if you tried.”

After a few more chords, there was a tap on your shoulder. You looked over your shoulder, finding Hotch’s warm brown eyes already looking at you. Your feet stopped as a shy smile rested across his lips. 

“Hey,” 

“Hey. Sorry to break up this party, but,” He extended his hand to you. “Would you like to dance?”

You looked down to his hand, one that you held so tight after Haley’s death, and took it in your own. Yours was swallowed in his, but you didn’t mind one bit.

“Of course.” He backed up, leading the two of you away from the laughing girls. 

Once you’d found your own space, he wrapped his free hand around your waist, bringing yours to rest on his shoulder. Always the gentleman, his hand made sure it was barely grazing your lower back as your heart ached for him to hold you closer.

“Dave did an amazing job with the place.” Hotch commented, trying to break the tension between you. It had never felt this awkward between the two of you, and it hurt to know how much had changed. 

“I think you mean Rossi found a great party planner to transform the place.”

A light chuckle from Hotch, and you felt butterflies in your stomach as his dimples showed up. You wanted to trace a check mark on his shoulder, but stopped when you realized he had someone else that was in first place now. The same person who was dancing with his son across the floor. 

“He really likes her.” You commented, nodding towards the pair. Beth twirled Jack under her arm once, twice, three times, before he broke into a fit of giggles. 

“He does. He claims she’s the best Uno player alive.”

You forced a smile out, not wanting to give the wrong impression. “High praise coming from the reigning champion.” He laughed and nodded along, knowing Jack did not accept defeat so easily. She must be really special. 

Being this close to Aaron felt like a dream, one that you never thought you would get to experience while you were awake. The only other time you got to enjoy his warmth was a year ago, when you’d evaded another explosion. You remembered the feeling of his arms looped around your waist, their grip holding you to his chest. Once you realized what was happening, you never wanted to leave his embrace. 

But right now you weren’t close enough. And selfishly, you needed to be closer, you needed to be held like that one more time. You took a step closer to him in between your swaying, your right foot in between his. Without missing a beat, he took another step closer to bridge the gap between you, pulling your joined hands to his opposite shoulder. 

“I didn’t know you knew ballroom dancing,” His voice was deeper than you ever heard, due to the miniscule distance between you. If you tilted your head to the left a few centimeters, you’d be leaning against his temple. Just the thought had your heart racing; this man was not yours. 

“I don’t. But Derek Morgan is a good teacher.”

You continued to sway back and forth to the music, a ballad playing in the background as you caught Beth dancing with Rossi now. She was a walking reminder that Aaron Hotchner was in a happy, committed relationship. And no matter how close you danced with him, how perfectly his arm curled tighter and tighter around your waist, this was not yours. 

All you wanted was to share your life with someone. You wanted someone to look at you the same way Will looked at JJ. You wanted someone to make you laugh so hard that you couldn’t breathe. Someone who cared for you, just as much as you cared for everyone else. You wanted, more than anything in your life, for Aaron to look at you the way you looked at him. 

“Are you okay?” He must have felt your grip tighten around his shoulder, and you quickly relented. 

Tears had started to form in your eyes, and you gently shook your head to keep them from falling. “Yeah, sorry.”

He pulled back the slightest bit, trying to look into your diverting eyes. You locked them on the canopied walkway, hoping they’d dry before he came into view. It wasn’t his responsibility to ease your worries.

“Y/n,” You bit the inside of your lip, moving to crack your index finger when he slowed the two of you down a little. He knew your tells better than anyone else. “You can tell me anything.”

You didn’t hesitate to meet his eyes, smiling when you saw the concern etched inside them. You knew how much he cared for you. How much he trusted you with his son, and with his own worries when he had no one to turn to. You knew that he would do anything to take away the pain you’re feeling right now. So that’s why you let your smile grow, to assure him that you were going to be okay. That he couldn’t know why you were falling apart. 

So you repeated the words you made yourself believe, leaving his gaze only to find Spencer’s a few feet away. 

“I’m just really happy for you, Aaron.” 

It was an ambidextrous statement, one that made your head spin with the different ways to approach the situation. But before he could respond, Spencer had made his way over to the two of you, perfectly reading the stare you threw his way. You needed an out.

“I think it’s my turn with the dancing queen.” 

You let go of Hotch without a second thought, never meeting his gaze again. Spencer took your hand without a fight, and led you to the far corner of the floor, away from everyone’s eyes. You felt your chest tightening as he wrapped his arms around you, knowing the tears you tried so hard to suppress would fall soon. 

The two of you started swaying, and you were quick to rest your head on his shoulder in an attempt to hide the first few tears that fell. You focused on the sound of heels meeting the floor, the silverware chiming against the plates, and the occasional laugh that escaped JJ’s mouth. You tried to ground yourself to the present, not to your thoughts.

“The life that you have may not be the one you dreamed of as a kid, but it’s pretty damn special. You don’t need kids or a husband to complete you. Because the y/n l/n right here,” he poked your waist, eliciting a small smile from you, “Is the best version of any day dream.”

You lifted your head from his shoulder so that you could meet his eyes. His smile never failed to reach his eyes, causing more tears to fall as you registered the sincerity in his voice.

“I’m going to be okay, right?” Your voice was small, afraid that you would never get used to this feeling.

“I don’t know,” He said before stepping back, just enough to spin you under his arm, and pull you back just like Derek had, before gently dipping you down. You couldn’t believe the laugh that escaped your lips, the salty tears ending their path down your face for good he hoped. He brought you back up carefully, a beautiful Spencer Reid smile adorning his face. “But I’ll be with you until you are.”

****

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