#baker!thor answered

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Whisked Away 3

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Part of the Sweet and Spicy AU

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You get a job at a bakery but your new boss only adds to your work

Character: chubby!baker!Thor

Please comment and reblog if it’s not too much. I always love getting to chat about these stories and hearing all your ideas! You all are wonderful and loved.

You set the icing bag down and step back. You press your hands against the front of your apron as Thor shifts closer to the counter. You watch him nervously as he turns the tray by the corner and considers your work. Each cookie is a variation of the cross-stitched them. The most detailed shows roses, while the others are intricately lined with grids with scalloped edges. 

He hums and sucks his teeth. You cringe and push your arms down straight, overly aware of yourself and your body. You should at least try to hide your desperation. His cheek dimples and he smiles as he faces you. 

“When can you start?” He asks. 

You nearly sway. You can’t believe it. You’re misunderstanding him. You shake your head, “pardon?” 

“You do good work, so... I’d like to hire you,” his tone is jovial. 

“Right, uh, when... when could I start?” You scrunch up your fists as you feel your insides buzzing. This can’t be real. It’s so sudden. Too good to be true. 

“If I’m being honest, right now,” he turns his large palms out, “however, there is the matter of paperwork and all that.” 

“Right,” you nod. 

“Tomorrow?” He suggests, “bring in a blank check and I can send the forms you need to fill out tonight. Is that too soon? Am I too desperate?” 

You almost laugh as he asks the questions in your own head. You let out a breath. It’s real! 

“Sure, that sounds good,” you agree.  

“Then I suppose that means you’re hired,” he announces and offers his hand, “welcome to the team.” 

You look at his thick fingers before you reach for them. You shake his hand, his covering yours entirely, and he clings for just a minute before he releases you. 

“I’ll pack these up to go,” he spins and marches across the kitchen. He takes out a square box and returns to the counter, “you can take them home to your sister.” 

“Uh, oh, thank you, you don’t have to do that.” 

“Please, a little celebration,” he says as he uses a rubber spatula to transfer the cookies, “I’m sure she’ll be happy to hear the good news.” 

“Ah, yeah,” you wring your hands then stop yourself. “Thanks.” 

“Of course,” he closes up the box and holds it out. “Tomorrow at six? You can open with me.” 

“Sure, I can make that work,” you smile, trying not to let your doubts break through. That might be a problem for Delaney. 

🍰

You put the box down on the table as Delaney sits in her recliner. She clacks the long needles together as she grumbles at her latest project. She gave a curt grunt at your entrance; she must be fighting another stitch. 

“Why don’t you grab your frame?” You suggest. 

“Bored of it,” she shrugs as you approach, “you bring me goodies?” 

She peeks over her shoulder towards the table. 

“Yep. Cookies,” you answer, “owner was really nice. Let me take them.” 

“Oh yeah? So...” she looks up at you, “how long til you know?” 

“I already do,” you can’t help a large grin, “I got it.” 

“You got it!” She shoves aside her knitting, “that’s...” she grunts as she pushes herself to the edge of the chair. She waves you away as you try to help, “amazing.” 

She stands and turns to you, pulling you into a crooked hug. You embrace her, your heart beating with joy. You haven’t been this happy in forever. You haven’t seen her this excited in just as long. 

She lets you go and to your surprises, stays standing. She groans as she stretches her arms and shifts around. She rolls her walker away from the side of the chair and leans on it. She’s not moving too bad. She wheels around you to the table and you follow. 

“There is one thing. I have to be there at six,” you explain, “so I might have to get you up early--” 

“Uh uh, I’m not getting up before sunrise,” she scoffs as she flips open the lid of the box, “I can get myself up.” 

“Right, I know, Deli, but if you need anything, you can call--” 

“Hey,” she takes a cookie out and considers it, “you need this job.” Her mouth slants as she looks at you, “we both need you to have this job. I’m not stupid,” she glances back at the cookie, “this is really cute. You did this?” 

“Uh, yeah, part of the interview,” you say, “it was... different. Nice place though. Family business, I think? His daughter works there.” 

“Ah, some old dude, huh?” Delaney angles herself to sit on the dining chair with her special cushion. “Fun.” 

“I guess he’s older. Big.” 

“Fat?” She chuckles. 

“Don’t be mean,” you shake your head, “tall... and a bit... pudgy, I guess.” 

“Huh, well, that’s not too bad. Better than some slave driver. Can’t be too bad if he gives you free cookies.” She takes a bite and her eyes nearly roll back as she hums, “oh my god!” She says through a mouthful and swallows, “these are so good. Have you tried one yet?” 

“No, I... my stomachs all knotted up.” 

“You got it, relax. Have a cookie before I eat them all,” she shoves the box towards you. 

“Alright,” you take one and nibble along the edge. You take a large bite as the sweetness crumbles onto your tongue. You cover your mouth as you nearly moan. She wasn’t being dramatic. “Oh god.” 

“Right?” She breaks off another piece, “this is like sex in my mouth.” 

“Ew,” you scrunch your nose up at her. 

“What? I ain’t no prude,” she scoffs, “actually, I've been talking to this guy online.” 

“Del,” you warn her. 

“I’m an adult,” she snaps. 

“I know,” you say, “I’m not saying anything except be careful. I remember Colin.” 

“Mm,” she frowns, “so do I. Jackass.” She reaches for another cookie, “you better bring home more of these.” 

“Uh huh,” you swipe the box towards you and close it up, “and you better slow down. You haven’t even had dinner.” 

“You are such an old lady,” she whines. 

“One of us has to be the mature one,” you sniff. 

“That’s fine. I like being the fun one,” she chortles and takes a massive bite, “mph, I could live off of these.” 

[ramblingsofamuskrat]

Can you connect the German city of Kiel to Diehard please? Thanks

Well the lazy way of doing this is the villain in Die Hard is Hans Gruber who was German and Kiel is in Germany. I could also be like: Oh Bruce Willis was born in Germany and yeah. But I love making things more convoluted than that...

So, we all know that Bruce Willis is in Die Hard, but an even more important role was his role as Tony Amato in one singular episode of Miami Vice, which we all know stars Don Johnson in it, who we all know was in Rian Johnson's movie Knives Out, which we all know. Ok I'll stop, even if this is just for you. You know actually I really wanted to connect this to Knives Out and then to 10 Things I Hate About You or 3rd Rock from the Sun because of Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but I have changed my mind, as it turns out Edward James Olmos is in the same Miami Vice episode as Don Johnson. Okay, so Edward James Olmos is Admiral Adama in Battlestar Galactica, which also stars Michael Hogan, from your favorite TV show ever, Teen Wolf. BUT, he is also in Skyrim as General Tullius. Skyrim also has Christopher Plummer as Arngeir, who was also in Knives Out. But that's not as fun as connecting to Charles Martinet, who was in the Mario movie despite not playing Mario but whatever. Now, as much as I love Charlie Day and want to connect through him, I feel the need to connect through Crisp Rat, but I'm resisting that cause I had a revelation. Charlie Day is in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, starring Danny DeVito, but Kim Whalen was in an episode of that show, and I love Starkid. Corey Dorris is also in Starkid and he was in an episode of Future Man, which has our icon, Josh Hutcherson, who was in Journey to the Centre of the Earth with Brendan Frasier, who was in the Mummy with Rachel Weisz, and she is married to Daniel Craig, bringing us BACK to Knives Out. Am I losing track of the mission?? NO!!!! So, Knives Out has many amazing cast members, but one of the more iconic ones, is Frank Oz. I just realized that my goal was to eventually bring my connection to the Lion King, and I can easily do that now cause Frank Oz is Yoda, but also that's lame cause I wanted to bring it to Matthew Broderick, but let it be known that we could just do Frank Oz to James Earl Jones at this point. So, Frank Oz was in Star Wars with Mark Hamill, who is in many, many things, such as Avatar, which features Dee Bradley Baker as Appa. He is also Perry the Platypus in Phineas and Ferb (for some reason my brain broke and almost wrote Despicable Me). Phineas and Ferb features Thomas Brodie-Sangster, which is always very funny to me, but it also has Ashley Tisdale, who was in the wonderful movie, 2009's Aliens in the Attic. Aliens in the Attic features many people, including Austin Butler, someone who was in the After movies, Tim Meadows, and Andy Richter, who played Mort in Madagascar. Ben Stiller is in Madagascar, who was in Night as the Museum, which has Rami Malek, who was in Bohemian Rhapsody with Joe Mazzello, who is in Jurassic Park (AND a movie called Star Kid). Jeff Goldblum is in Jurassic Park and also in Thor: Ragnarok, which also has Sam Neill in it, but unrelated to the goal at hand. Thor has Chris Hemsworth, who was in 2009's Star Trek, starring Chris Pine, who was in Wonder Woman with Robin Wright, who is in the Princess Bride with Cary Elwes, who was in Psych. Since they are not in the same episode, James Roday Rodriguez is in Psych, and so is Ally Sheedy, who was in War Games with Matthew Broderick.

To answer your question, yes, I came to the official conclusion that I really needed to get on track or this would literally last forever. Crazy how I can get myself to do this and not my homework. Ignore the fact that it took me over a month to respond to your question. Matthew Broderick is Simba in the Lion King, which also features Nathan Lane as Timon. Nathan Lane was in The Nutcracker: The Untold Story, which I know about solely because of Danny Gonzalez. Nathan Lane plays Albert Einstein in this movie, and so, within the lore of the movie, we could accurately state that because Albert Einstein exists within the movie, so does Max Planck, who knew Lise Meitner. I just wanted to say that cause I am aware as to how much you love her. But Max Planck was born in Kiel. Thank you and goodnight.

If I wanted to play this seriously, and not in my convoluted "6" Degrees of Michael Sheen way, probably could've connected Die Hard to Charlie Chaplin somehow, who met Albert Einstein but NO!!

I hope you enjoy this well thought out response, @wiggogwiggogywrath :)

P.S. That point where I was nervous about this going on forever took A LOT of willpower to not continue. Like I was gonna go into the After series and then end up in Harry Potter or some shit. I'm sure I would eventually run into both Smosh and Dropout cause I am addicted. Luckily for you, I was so concentrated at the task at hand, I somehow like forgot that I usually include those too but whatever. There ya go. Bitch.

P.P.S. I just wanted to do this cause now I can't stop please send help oh god oh no I can't stop, can't stop typing why did you do this to me I can't escape

P.P.P.S. Bye :)

[andrewmoocow]

Steven Universe Snake Eyes chapter 1: Home is Where the Heart Is (originally posted on August 28, 2023)

AN: This is it, everyone. The end finally begins here. We are about to embark on the final installment of Steven Universe: Alternate Future, a grand finale three years in the making. But before we begin, a little history lesson. I intended to follow up Alternate Future with just one sequel, but because I just can't stop at just one story, it soon sprang up into the little shared universe you see before you. Afterwards, I got the idea of the Snake People after watching Planet Hulk on Netflix, which some of you may remember from an answer to an ask I got on my Tumblr, in addition to Thor Ragnarok and Ratchet Deadlocked. So, I slowly began planting the seeds for this epic conclusion throughout most of the previous stories, mainly in The Black Pearl Brigade, which I used as an outlet to expand on this version of Steven's universe and introduce new characters that would play a role in Snake Eyes. Now that we've set the stage, let us begin at last.

Synopsis: Steven returns home to Beach City, but the Gems have gone missing. When Black Rutile explains where the Gems have been taken, Steven goes on a rescue mission.

Cast:

Zach Callison as Steven

Noël Wells as Black Rutile

Tom Scharpling as Greg

Grace Rolek as Connie

Zach Steel as Ronaldo

Dee Bradley Baker as Lion

Della Saba as Aquamarine

Charlyne Yi as Eyeball, Doc, Navy, Leggy, Army

Christine Pedi as Holly Blue Agate

Casey Lee Williams as Cat's Eye

Avi Roque as Cinnabar

Awkwafina as Kyanite

Allison Janney as Pyrite

Kimberly Brooks as Dalmatian Jasper

Zehra Fazal as Zoisite

Lena Hall as Bloodstone

Jodie Whittaker as Xenotime

Kari Wahlgren as Pyrope

Melissa Fahn as Demantoid, Eyeball Demantoid

Jinkx Monsoon as Emerald, Chest Emerald

Hayley Kiyoko as Morganite

Halsey as Tanzanite

Idina Menzel as Amazonite

Mia Barron as Apatite

Jennifer Paz as Phoenix Lapis

Gina Torres as Andesine

Barbara Dunkelman as Amber

Kristen Schaal as Howlite

Olivia Olson as Citrine Twins

Neil Flynn as The Officer/Aescul

Chris Jai Alex as Sneople Soldier Leader

Henry Rollins as Captain Boa

--

"Another day, another minute spent in this hellhole." Black Rutile groaned to herself as she scratched another tally mark on the wall of her Revanche 666 prison cell before lying on her back. "A great man once said that a wise strategist gathers all his information before deciding on a course of action. Well, guess he wasn't talking about me when he said that."

Three weeks ago, by Black Rutile's estimate at least, she was taken to prison on Revanche 666 after the Crystal Gems finally had enough of her scheming to take over the universe and destroy them once and for all. She had everything all planned out too, she manipulated several Crystal Gems to her side, got the support of humans who shared her worldview, and expanded her army with previous allies and innocent Gems she brainwashed into joining her. But once again, thanks to a certain human whose last name she can never get right, Black Rutile's plans had been foiled and she was forced to face the consequences for it. Now all that she had left were the mindless conversations of her subordinates to keep her company.

"Come on, they have one female servicing a large group of males," Kyanite said while in a heated debate over the reproduction of a certain species. "That implies a species that lays eggs."

"Oh my Diamonds, you're crazy!" an irritated Bloodstone yelled. "They are so obviously mammals!"

"Please, she'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs!" Kyanite objected to Bloodstone's point.

"But they don't lay eggs!" Bloodstone replied. "I don't have to keep telling you this!"

"You're both wrong." Howlite butted into the two's conversation. "They are beings who reproduce asexually, therefore they have no reproductive organs to procreate with."

"Dang Howlite, why you always gotta get so smart on us?" Kyanite asked Howlite.

"Can you nitwits shut up with your insane babbling?!" Aquamarine shrieked from her cell. "I am trying to plot our revenge here!"

"Hey, why are you the one making plans?" Cat's Eye asked Aquamarine while waking up from a cat nap. "Shouldn't Black Rutile be the one arranging everything and gathering forces like she always does?"

"Unfortunately, it seems Black Rutile is no longer fit to lead us," Aquamarine stated, cringing as she insulted the Rutile Rebels' grand leader. "Just look at her, she's become like a pathetic wet cat who's been left out in the rain for way too long."

"You know I can hear you, and I do not like what you're saying." Black Rutile snarled at her tiny second in command.

"But it's true!" Eyeball agreed with Aquamarine. "You've lost your touch, my Rutile! It was because you couldn't accept defeat that we're stuck here today, stripped of our rights and locked up like animals!"

"Yeah, I just wanted my family back!" Tanzanite yelled.

"You need to accept that we lost!" Holly Blue added.

"Yelling feels really cathartic right now!" Amber cheered, only wanting to join in as the other Rutile Rebels snapped at their leader with accusations, making Black Rutile's already low self-esteem worsen before they heard a knock.

"Hey, keep it down, all of you!" a Bismuth guard shouted. "Lights out everyone, see you all in 0800 hours!" However, lights out soon arrived earlier than expected as the imprisoned Gems heard a loud explosion from the entrance of the prison, followed by alarms blaring as a group of snakelike soldiers dressed in black and white armor marched into the prison with blasters at the ready.

"Wow, look at all these Gems!" the leader laughed in surprise. "It's like they had them all wrapped up for us as presents! Okay boys, move out. This should be easy pickings."

"No, not them!" Black Rutile cried in alarm as she instantly recognized these intruders' reptilian bodies. "It can't be!"

"Attention prisoners of Revanche 666, prepare to be enslaved in the name of the Jormagundr royal family of Serpentes!" the leader declared, striking a dramatic pose. "Everybody out of your cells, no need to make a ruckus." At the leader's command, the other snake soldiers released the Rutile Rebels from their cells and forced them into one large group.

"I gotta get out of here!" Black Rutile yelled before she stabbed a snake-man as soon as he freed her from her cell with her bowie knife and made a run for it.

"Hey, that black Gem is escaping! After her!" another soldier yelled as he helped his comrade to his feet and began firing at Black Rutile.

"If you want my soldiers, you're going to have to catch me first!" Black Rutile yelled as she turned her knife into a sword and began cutting down any snake people in her way while trying to find a way to escape.

"Where are you going?" Cinnabar asked Black Rutile. "You can't just leave us behind like this!"

"On the contrary, if you don't need me anymore, then I guess I don't need you anymore either." Black Rutile corrected Cinnabar. "In other words, adios turdnuggets!" After throwing out a few obscene hand gestures with a maniacal laugh, Black Rutile charged to the nearest escape shuttle and began taking off.

"So she's really ditching us, huh?" Emerald mourned as the Rutile Rebels watched their so-called commander escape like a coward. "I should've known it was going to happen soon enough."

"What are you going to do to us?" Pyrope asked while the snake-men busted out sets of handcuffs to put on their Gem prisoners.

"Our lord Cobralan Joramgundr has had his eyes on you for a while, and thanks to some informants, all of you are now ours for the taking." The snakes' leader stated while applying the cuffs to the Ruby squad. "Hope you like fighting for your lives."

"Finally, some action!" Dalmatian Jasper cried excitedly while the snakes tried to work around her lack of a left hand to put the cuffs on her. "Better than rotting in prison for the rest of eternity."

"Oh my sweet Jasper, you have no idea what you and your friends are getting into." The leader snake said forebodingly while applying the last of the handcuffs on Andesine. "Okay, that should be all of the prisoners! Any update on the personnel?"

"Presently restrained, sir." Another snake soldier replied as the Peridots, Bismuths, and Black Pearls were led away from their posts in a chain gang. "Preparing coordinates back to Serpentes. Our leader will be most pleased with our findings."

"Well, this could've turned out a lot worse," Amazonite muttered disdainfully while Phoenix Lapis tried to open her mouth. "And don't even ask how it could get even worse."

Meanwhile, Black Rutile was reclining back in her captain's chair as the shuttle she hijacked flew far away from Revanche 666. She had long dreaded the day that the Snake People would come for the Gems, but she didn't expect that to be today of all days. "It was only a matter of time before our ancient enemies came looking for us." She sighed in relief. "Now all I need is somewhere to hide until this all blows over." As it just so happens, she flew away so fast in her escape, that Black Rutile could see Earth in the far distance, just a little blue ball from her perspective. "Okay, not what I had planned, but maybe I can work with this."

With that, Black Rutile veered the ship towards Earth and began flying to the planet she despised so much, hoping that it would be the Hail Mary she was looking for.

--

To think it was only a year ago when Steven left Beach City to find himself. A year since he had a meltdown to end all meltdowns, nearly destroyed Beach City, was used by Black Rutile to try and destroy Earth, and finally got the recovery he was so desperate for. Now, after a year of touring the country, he decided it was time to visit his old friends, and it was a very special time too. Steven was going to turn 18 today, and he was eager to see all of his friends and family back home again. But as he pulled into Beach City and was warmly greeted by the excited townies, Steven couldn't help but ponder that something was missing.

"Gooood morning Beach City!" Steven cried as he pulled up to the Crystal Temple and burst out of the Dondai Supremo with a thunderous aplomb. "Everybody's favorite half-Diamond is back for the big One-wait." He stopped short once he realized what was missing. "Where are all the Gems?"

"Steven, is that you?" Steven could hear Greg's voice suddenly appearing behind him. "How you been, Schtu-Ball?"

"Dad!" Steven cried as he rushed up and hugged his father. "I'm so happy to see you!"

"Glad to see you too, kiddo, and happy birthday!" Greg laughed jollily before letting his now adult son go. "Wow, eighteen. Funny how time flies, huh?"

"I still can't believe it either." Steven agreed. "Feels like only yesterday that I first discovered my powers and thought Cookie Cats were connected to them. But that's not important right now, because I have a problem. Have you seen the Crystal Gems anywhere?"

"Not since this morning." Greg nodded. "Pearl got a message from Little Homeworld saying something was wrong and they went off on the Warp Pad. And that was the last I saw of them."

"Something was wrong?" Steven said to himself before he made the first conclusion that came to his mind. "Black Rutile, of course. Come on Dad, we have to save them!"

"Right behind you, sport!" Greg saluted as the father and son took the Warp Pad to Little Homeworld, which was just as barren as the temple, if not even more so.

"I don't get it, where is everyone?" Steven asked as he looked around the empty Little Homeworld. What was once full of happy Gems finding their way in life was now home to a few tumbleweeds and worried pets. "They couldn't have just vanished overnight!"

"Maybe they're all putting on a really elaborate surprise party!" Greg replied with an awkward laugh before giving it to his son straight. "Okay, you got me. I have no idea what's going on." Just then, the two heard a nervous moan, followed by a little Flower Buddy scuttling towards Steven while shivering in fear. "Oh, hey little guy. Is something wrong?"

"Dad, this is Zuli's Flower Buddy!" Steven stated as he held the little creature in his arms. "What's wrong, you little cutie? What happened to your momma?" Unfortunately, the Flower Buddy nervously shook its head before leaping out of Steven's nurturing embrace and running away. "Wait, come back!"

"I guess it must be too scared to say anything," Greg concluded. "I mean, it's not like the great big answer to all of our questions is going to fall out of the sky!"

Just then, Steven noticed something out of the corner of his eye. Above them, a streak of light was falling to Earth, immediately answering Greg's question. "A shooting star in the middle of the day?" Steven wondered to himself as he tried to get a closer look. "Wait, is that star screaming?" Indeed, the star was shrieking loudly before it crashed into the woods nearby, creating a large explosion that could be seen from Little Homeworld. "This day just keeps getting weirder! Come on!"

The Universes then raced out of Little Homeworld and took a journey to the nearby forest, the air now polluted by smoke and fire as the trail of destruction led the duo to what was once Jasper's cave, now smashed to pieces by a crashed spaceship. The two watched as a familiar black hand burst from the wreckage and pulled Black Rutile from what could've been her tomb, haggard and frantic while glaring straight at Steven. "Steven Universe, we meet again at last."

"Stay back Dad, she looks dangerous!" Steven reflexively drew his shield to defend his father with as Black Rutile lurched towards the two. However, Steven slowly realized that maybe this time, Black Rutile wasn't here to hurt. In fact, she didn't seem to even have a weapon drawn and was instead futilely reaching out to him and Greg. "Wait, something's wrong."

"Help me Steven Universe, you're my only hope." Black Rutile wheezed before she fell flat on her face, seemingly passed out from the crash.

"I don't know about you Steven Seagel, but she looks like she's seen better days," Greg said while looking over at Black Rutile's struggling body. "Shouldn't she be pretending to twirl a mustache while going all 'MWAHAHA, I'm going to kick every puppy in the world and there's nothing you can do to stop me!'?"

"Something definitely isn't right here." Steven agreed with Greg while helping Black Rutile to her feet and waking her up. "Black Rutile, it's me, Steven!"

"Someone set us up the bomb." Black Rutile woozily said as she slowly regained consciousness and quickly realized she was in the right place. "Eureka, I arrived just in time!"

"Just in time for what?" Steven asked before Black Rutile frantically grabbed his shoulders.

"Just in time for their return!" Black Rutile manically shouted. "It's been eons since we last saw them, but they found us! They're hungry! AND THEY'RE COMING!"

"Who's coming?" Greg nervously asked, shocked at Black Rutile's sudden burst of insanity before the megalomaniacal Rutile ominously turned to face him.

"The Snake People." Black Rutile muttered fearfully before the three heard a rustling in the bushes.

"Did someone say Snake People?!" Ronaldo Fryman cried as he burst from the bushes at the mere mention of Black Rutile's enemies. "I totally knew they were out there!"

"Ronaldo, what are you doing out here?" Steven asked Ronaldo, confused about whether he'd been hiding there the whole time.

"Searching for Bigfoot. What else would a hunter of the supernatural like me be doing in the great outdoors?" Ronaldo answered. "So anyways, what's this I hear about snake people?"

"Who's this idiot and what does he think he knows about the snake people?" Black Rutile asked harshly.

"Hey, I'll have you know that I somehow managed to accurately predict a good portion of Gem society lore!" Ronaldo argued with Black Rutile, utterly offended at this jab at his intelligence before Steven broke them up.

"Okay you two, break it up!" Steven said as he put the two's argument to rest. "We have something much bigger to focus on here. Apparently, all the Gems on Earth have gone missing, and now Black Rutile comes crashing to Earth rambling about snake people or something."

"My point still stands." Black Rutile said firmly. "What do you know about snake people, you fool?"

"I am so glad you asked!" Ronaldo smirked before presenting a briefcase full of information he gathered on the snake people. "Behold, the truth!" However, all Black Rutile saw was a bunch of news articles and other miscellaneous objects that seemed to her like she was talking to a complete nutcase. "Snake people, or sneople, control our government at the highest level. Look." Ronaldo then brought out a dollar bill sign while gesturing to the snake and diamond symbols. "The snake represents their hold on our country, while the diamond represents their underground mines. Or their sharp teeth! The details aren't important!"

"How does he function?" Black Rutile muttered in silent alarm as Ronaldo continued his explanation.

"However, it seems that the creatures you encountered may be invading from their home planet," Ronaldo stated. "Perhaps they were abducting other races from across the universe to fulfill their evil deeds, like maybe creating a super-diverse army to conquer the entire universe with!"

"Okay, Ronaldo, was it?" Black Rutile bluntly interrupted Ronaldo. "I'm just going to be frank with you. You're a complete idiot. I mean, snake people secretly controlling our government and your only evidence is but a scrap of currency?" She then snatched the dollar bill from Ronaldo's briefcase and ripped it to shreds. "I care little about this planet's history, but even I know this is all the claptrap ramblings of a lunatic!"

"No, my proof!" Ronaldo wailed while trying to collect what remains of the dollar he could find on the ground.

"However, I'll have to give you this." Black Rutile added. "Your description of the Snake People abducting races and people from across the universe is actually quite accurate as I've come here from Revanche 666 to tell Steven that the Snake People have abducted my minions, and they've no doubt done the same to the Crystal Gems."

"So what are you proposing?" Steven asked his archnemesis.

"I'm proposing, and I can't believe I'm saying this, we join forces against a shared enemy." Black Rutile declared, trying not to cringe in agony from making that declaration. "Steven, I urge you to assemble any remaining allies within this area and meet me in that little town of yours. The crazy theorist and I have an announcement to make."

"I can't believe I'm saying this too, but you have my word Black Rutile," Steven replied. "Wait, this isn't another excuse to plot your revenge on me, isn't it?"

"You have my word, little one." Black Rutile promised Steven, crossing her fingers behind her back as the two very reluctantly shook hands.

--

"Attention organic idiots of Beach City, heed my warnings!" Black Rutile commanded the townies' attention as they all gathered around her, Steven, and Ronaldo. "You may not trust me, but I am here today to give you all a warning. All Gems on Earth have been abducted by their ancient enemies, the Snake People!"

"That is right, the Sneople have finally come for us and they're stripping us of our defenses to make it easier for them to conquer!" Ronaldo added before getting a slap on the back of his head.

"No, you twit, they don't want to conquer us as far as I know." Black Rutile grumbled before her visor gave a demonstration. "The Snake People, as you should know, is a primarily gladiatorial race that has thrived on abducting beings from across the universe to fight in their twisted games. Their king is one of what are known as the Universal Lords, who are among the most powerful beings in the known universe who all lay claim to approximately 36.3% of it compared to the Diamonds conquering 63.7%. Any questions?" Black Rutie then saw someone raise their hand. "You there, all the way in the back?"

"Yeah, I got a question." Connie's voice called out as she walked through the crowd to meet with Steven and company. "Why are you here and how did you break out of prison?"

"It was because the Snake People came for Revanche 666 and abducted all the Gems imprisoned there, except for Black Rutile," Steven explained to Connie. "And now she wants our help."

"Wait, seriously?" Connie asked while she tilted her head in confusion. "Someone pinch me, I must be dreaming." Much to her annoyance, however, Black Rutile did exactly that. "Ow! When I said someone pinch me, I didn't mean literally!"

"Well, I'm sorry Mecha-lecha-chimichanga-habba-hooga-swagger, I don't get your human sayings!" Black Rutile replied, making Connie facepalm as Black Rutile didn't even come close to getting her last name right, almost like she was doing it to make her mad. "Anyways, they reside on the planet Serpentes in the Ophidian Nebula, which is unfortunately a couple of galaxies away. We're going to need a really good spaceship to survive a trip there, otherwise, it'll take ages to even reach the planet!"

"I believe I can help!" another voice said as he emerged from the crowd. To Steven's surprise, it was that strange police officer he met back in Empire City. This officer seemed all friendly whenever they'd cross paths, but Steven had a sneaking suspicion that there was more to him than he seemed. "Now, apologies for the sudden intrusion everyone, so allow me to introduce myself. You may know me as just the Officer, but that's just another name for the man I am underneath." The Officer then closed his eyes and began audibly straining as he slowly transformed from a human policeman into a large rat snake wearing a police uniform. "Ooh, transforming still kinda hurts sometimes."

"Oh, my, god!" Ronaldo gasped in utter surprise and delight. "YOU'RE A SNAKE PERSON, I KNEW IT! A REAL LIVE SNAKE PERSON RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, IN BEACH CITY, ON EARTH!"

"Snake Person? I see you're using those old-fashioned derogatory terms for our people." The Officer laughed and patted Ronaldo on the head. "We're actually called Slytherophidians, thank you very much. It's pretty easy to get mixed up since, well, we look like the reptiles of your planet. Anyways, y'all can call me Aescul."

"Wait, there really are snake people, I mean, Slytherophidians, on Earth?" Steven asked Aescul. "I thought Ronaldo was just making up crazy conspiracy theories."

"See, I told you all they were real!" Ronaldo declared proudly before turning to Aescul. "Now then, would you care to answer a couple hundred thousand questions I have about your people?"

"Okay, I'll only answer a few, my boy," Aescul replied. "Now fire away."

"Mister, you have no idea what you just unleashed," Steven said as Ronaldo began with his questions.

"First off, do you control our government at the highest level?" Ronaldo asked.

"Yes, and no. We have several hidden agents not only on this world but several other worlds as well." Aescul answered. "However, any one of them being in charge is quite rare, but not completely impossible."

"Care to list any examples?" Ronaldo responded.

"No." Aescul declined.

"Alright, next question." Ronaldo continued. "Do you put us mammals against each other in things such as elections, sports, or even message boards for anime?"

"What? No! We don't do any of that!" Aescul exclaimed. "If anything, you humans are already very good at having conflicts with each other!"

"Hurtful, but true," Ronaldo said.

"If anything, we prefer peace and order," Aescul added. "Now then, you get one more question kiddo, so make it count."

"One last thing, do you recognize these symbols on our currency?" Ronaldo asked before presenting what was left of the dollar bill that he still had.

"Oh, it looks like our homage to our insignia! Although, ours is a bit more different." Aescul declared as he revealed a near-perfect replica of the snake on the dollar sign. "My theory is that of our earliest scouts of this planet played a role in the foundation of this country. You know, your national animal was going to be either a rattlesnake or a bald eagle, and we all know what they went with. But as for the diamond, well, I think it might be because our king was an old friend of the Gem you all idolize."

"You mean Pink Diamond?" Steven asked. "Honestly, after all we've learned about her over the past few years, I'm honestly not surprised."

"And what about those earliest scouts?" Connie added with a question of her own.

"Oh yeah, that guy," Aescul replied awkwardly. "Last I checked, one of them went under the name Christopher Columbus or something and did some pretty messed up stuff to the natives of this land. We don't like to talk about him much, no offense."

"That's okay, we don't like to talk about him much either." Connie accepted the Slytherophidian's apology. "So now that we know what we're up against, why have they been spying on Steven lately?"

"That's because we've been watching Steven for quite a while now because my superiors have been scouting Gems to bring to our games," Aescul revealed. "This was their way of getting your attention, by snatching up every Gem you know and taking them to Serpentes so that you'll eventually come to rescue them. And now, you've just about taken the bait."

"Then I guess we have no other choice." Steven declared firmly. "We're going to Serpentes."

"Uh, hey, quick question," Greg asked. "How do we get there again?"

"Allow me to offer my help!" Aescul declared as he hailed his police car, which transformed into a spaceship large enough to fit him and his new passengers on their journey to Serpentes. "Seatbelts, everyone!"

"Please tell me this is going to be a normal, non-life-threatening adventure." Steven prayed as he, Black Rutile, Connie, Greg, Ronaldo, and Lion boarded the disguised cop's ship.

"With you? No way!" Black Rutile laughed as the people of Beach City waved Steven goodbye. "Now snakeman, make it so!"

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Aescul obeyed the Rutile's command before he prepared the ship for takeoff. "Now then, any last words before we leave Earth?"

"I got some," Steven said as he peered out the window to face Beach City below them. "Don't worry everyone, I'll bring the Gems home safe and sound! You have my word!"

"And I'll bring evidence that'll make me famous too!" Ronaldo added eagerly, making Steven wonder how he invited himself on the journey before deciding that he already knew.

"Okay, here goes nothing," Aescul said as he prepared to blast off. "Booster fire! Full power!" he yelled before the ship left Earth behind and took off for the great beyond on what was possibly Steven's greatest adventure yet.

--

Elsewhere in space, a large freighter was sailing gently toward a distant planet, filled with alien species from across the universe locked away in prison cells. A hapless buglike Moarchean was banging desperately against his cell bars, crying to be returned to his family. A humanoid cyborg man with gears for fear dressed in pirate attire carved tally marks on his cell wall with the sword he had in place of a hand. An immaculately dressed galactic rockstar tried calming his nerves by performing his over-the-top dance moves. A massive, tattooed giant stood chained to the wall. An angelic woman prayed to her people that she'd be safe wherever she went. The space heroine Sylvia Spectre tried desperately to escape her confinement only to be obstructed by the collar restraining her powers, while her cellmate Envyrno has long since accepted her fate. A group of Metals waited patiently for what fate would await them. A flying woman resembling a jester played a mournful tune on an invisible flute.

But the most notable prisoners in the freighter were the massive amounts of Gems kept away in specialized cells to restrain their powers. Chief among them, Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl stood resilient as they were face to face with Captain Boa of the Jormagundr Royal Family's personal guard. "We're almost there, Gems." Boa sneeringly announced to his prisoners. "Are you ready for the Contest?"

--

With that, the end begins here. What awaits Steven and the Crystal Gems on Serpentes? Are the royal family really out to get them, or are they more than they seem? Does Black Rutile have anything else planned once she reaches the Snake People? And where does that mysterious Lapidarist fit into all of this? All of these questions and more will be answered in the epic twelve-chapter finale to the Steven Universe: Alternate Future series.

[the-firebird69]

The staff of Castle is going to be correct Joe and it is some sort of code about our son and the a****** Tommy f is walking by our son into the mall and out of it right near him and his son saw him watching the second time so you missed the first and said no he didn't he's staring right at you and your name Michelle and you're doing this to people because you're stupid soon you're going to take a beating a massive beating cuz you let the max build up clothes and you're an idiot he said he couldn't help it they were hitting him and things like that and said yeah but you're going to take a beating and he is they have a huge army that is prepping to head underground to his ships and bases momentarily in his bases will fall and probably a couple hours and the clones will be engaged and all of his abuse is going to come back and haunt him and so he has Joe up for a Baker act and Big Joe does not want to go and he heard about it and he said he'd resist but he should not resist the police he should leave the area California might not be that great there's a lot of clones out there and you can't go to the East Coast so he's wondering what he can do and somebody said you could leave the facility and file a grievance and say that the employees are inciting you and he says I know who to talk to so he's going to he's trying to do that and he left the house and he's going to file a grievance and say that they are treating him inappropriately and they are here they're not African-American or even part and it is the Trump kids still and he's not really threatening them and you can file a case with the lawyer too and if they put you into the hospital you can sue them and he should do that because these guys need to be put in line and nobody stopping them and McDonald's can't really stop them in the max won't but together they could and the clones will try and do stuff but it'll heat it up and we need to stop this guy he's a pig that guy is a freaking moron and he is after people and he does it to Mac he doesn't know a bunch of people and he put Ken Baker into Castle and his own clothes put the idiot in there no but his own clothes are after him he needs to be stopped cold as soon he'll be out the thing in Egypt is going to happen quickly people will figure out why pretty soon the answer is in France at the Louvre and yeah somebody was moved and it's going to happen soon and he will be killed and then he will be killed fully in Los Angeles by Jason who finally figures it out now he knows what he's doing you can't stop him and Jason works with Garth on a lot of things and he did some preliminary stuff it's very hard work he can barely take the backlash from it if we mention any turns into a dick but he likes to be told that he did a good job and he did our son talked to him and he's worth talking to he says that's true they get along when they were little and people picked on them for that kind of thing. It's going along that way it's very tough here and her son goes through it too and he should not a bunch of wankers and it's a loser thing to do for Tommy f and the Max and they're heading the way until this road for to perdition and the foreigners keep riding and they make more and more clones and it's getting disgusting it's just going round and round

Thor Freya

Eventually these guys are going to take over cuz we're sitting back and watching these Max build up and Tommy f is a little late and we can't monitor even we can't get near it and we're reliant on them and their people and we're going to look like this retards trying to tell them what to do remotely and we'll probably get creamed

Wie chan lin

It's really excessive for us and the police and they're illusion was broken by the mohawk and they turned it all into high gear and it's true we're excluded still it's extremely violent there and it doesn't show that well and we're professionals okay if in the past we are the professionals who hit people and they don't come back and we do it a lot these people are brave little assholes but he knows about it but still he has professionals and it is a pain and he's going to turn it up way up and still he's having trouble and his brother did and has trouble and we don't know the status of that and these people could all be imps by comparison and he says it's not really a big leap and he couldn't let his brother get away with it and he's going to show people soon cuz you're doing all sorts of dumb s*** anyways that we think of that but great it says his castles going to come up and people are going to be afraid and they should be afraid and he's going to grow he has a plan he's going to panhandle LOL

Jet li

Olympus

[dearyallfrommatt]

DC produced a comic adaptation of the TV show which featured a lot of characters that for this reason or that couldn't be included in the show. Blue Beetle was one of them, along with Firestorm and Power Girl just off the top of my head. I remember reading some folks thought he was barred from the cartoon because of the Blue Beetle character on The Electric Company from PBS, but that's not so. Worse luck, he was free and clear to use.

Anyhow, Ted was featured in a couple of issues. One, he went up solo against the Gen. Eling version of the Hairy Man (this was after the Patriot Act episode that brought together the Seven Soldiers of Victory), and another featuring him and Booster Gold. It was classic Blue & Gold "Bwah-hah-hah" written by the late Kieth Giffen, author of those classic Justice League International stories.

You probably know this, but allow me to nerd out. The Ted Kord Beetle's adventures - along with, among others, the Question and Captain Atom - were published in the '60s & '70s by Charlton Comics, one of the many Number Threes that have come and gone. They went out of business and DC bought up the properties, introducing them to the universe (and readers) during the Crisis On Infinite Earths. Later, they provided readers with some of the best comics of the late '80s/early '90s. Seriously, check out Dennis O'Neil's Question run. Top notch.

Anyhow. Charlton didn't invent the character of the Blue Beetle, though, and he wasn't originally techno-wizard Ted Kord. The original Blue Beetle was one of the earliest costumed do-gooders, first appearing in 1939's Mystery Men Comics by Fox Publications. They were an interesting company, known for pushing the boundaries when it came to horror and sleaze.

As far as memorable characters go, they're best known for two of the silliest: The Bouncer and Stardust the Super Wizard. They also published Matt Baker, one of the few pre-WW2 African-American comic artists, and his "good girl" work with Phantom Girl acquired from Quality Comics (Plastic Man, The Blackhawks, etc.) and a take on Thor I know nothing about, but the rest was pretty much "rip off something popular and see what we can get away with."

Initially, Dan Garret was the son of a police officer slain in the line of duty. So he pulls a Bruce Wayne, runs around in a bulletproof costume, and takes a vitamin that makes him faster and stronger. Typical Golden Age stuff. He sort of did a Green Hornet/Phantom thing by marking his folks with a scarab-shaped whatzit and had the normal supporting cast (blonde reporter in love with the hero but scornful of the secret identity, comic sidekick, old guy, etc.).

He became a U.S. agent during World War 2 and his super vitamin started giving him real superpowers like flight and X-ray vision. Later, when superhero comics fell out of vogue, he became the host of a horror/crime anthology, not unlike Captain America did in the '50s. Still, Dan Garret was pretty popular. He had a radio serial produced by CBS that made him out more like the Shadow and a daily comic strip drawn by, among others, Jack Kirby (under a pseudonym).

After briefly being published by Holyoke Comics (no one of note apart from a Batman rip-off, Cat-Man & Kitten (yes, she's a she)), the character was picked up by then-young Charlton Comics in the '60s. They made some changes. This time around, Dan Garrett (they added an extra "t") was an archeologist who found a blue scarab on a dig. When saying the magic words "Kaji Dha!" Garrett was transformed into the Blue Beetle, with super strength, flight, X-ray vision, the ability to shoot energy beams, and whatever the story called for.

The stories were actually pretty camp, even for '60s comics, but Dan was replaced in 1966 by Ted Kord. I don't know how the story's been changed, but Ted was a favorite student of Dan (even though Ted's an engineer and, well, comic books, I guess), and answers a call for help. He finds his teacher mortally wounded and vows to take up his mantle. However, he can never make the scarab work, so he turns his engineering genius into a weapon against crime. He was created by Steve Ditko, so bonus points there.

Dan's made a couple of background appearances in the DCU and was once brought back to life by the scarab to fight his successor. Ted Kord's been a favorite since I was a kid and I fell in love with Jaime Reyes from the get-go, though I didn't care as much for the Blue Beetle series where Ted tries to play the mentor role for Jaime. I don't like it when comics portray Ted as considered a loser among the rest of the heroes, though I know continuity's been flip-flopped a couple of times since he went down in the most badass way possible.

In a world where gods clash and men can run faster than the speed of light, a guy who dresses like a bug and uses a gun that's expressly meant not to kill has the biggest balls in the DC universe. Plus, he's probably the only billionaire superhero who isn't carrying a boatload of baggage.

Kaji Dha!

Heroes & Villains The DC Animated Universe - Paper Cut-Out Portraits and Profiles

Elseworlds Addendum

Blue Beetle / Ted Kord

A brilliant industrialist and designer, Ted Kord decided to use his acumen for mechanical engineering to fight crime as the masked vigilante known as The Blue Beetle.  Along with a levitating hover-car aptly named ‘The Bug,’ Kord devised numerous non-lethal crime-fighting weapons.  This ranged from an incapacitating strobe-light gun to bug-shaped flying surveillance drones. 

Although Ted had inherited the extraterrestrial scarab from the original Blue Beetle, the scarab never bonded with him and he remained unaware of the awesome powers this item could bestow.  The scarab ultimately ended up bonding with young Jaime Reyes who was able to unlock the full potential of the alien weapon and operated as the third Blue Beetle.  

The Blue Beetle was not included in the original DCAU due to licensing issues.  The production company was unaware of whether or not they owned the intellectual property rights to produce cartoons and toys based on the character and hence he was left out.  Which is a true shame in that an episode dedicated to the madcap high-jinks of Blue Beetle partnering up with his best buddy, Booster Gold, could have been a highlight of the series.   

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Hey thor! Do you have any advice to give to people who need a little push on learning to love themselves? You're a beautiful man who knows just how beautiful is and a lot of lovely people out there might need some help on feeling the same

Oh sweet anon, trust me. It hasn’t always been like this for me. I’ve had my fair share of bullying in high school and that definitely kicked me down back then. I thankfully got home to my mum every day and she would tirelessly tell me how amazing, courageous and unique I was. I am very lucky to have such a loving mum, I realize that. And I would love to share that positivity she gave me, on to you and whoever may struggle.

A body positivity coach that I know says, that the first step to body acceptance is to be neutral towards your body. To not feel anything negative towards it but not having to feel like you’re maybe fooling yourself with overt positivity either. Just acceptance.

And self care is important too: you only have one body, treat it with the respect, love and care it deserves. Your body carries you everywhere, is the home of your soul 24/7. If you take good care of it, your body will thank you and also make you feel better and more energetic. 

And how do you touch your body? Many people who may dislike certain parts of their body will squeeze in it or mimic to ‘cut the fat away’ with their fingers and whatnot. But be gentle with yourself: just gently touch, maybe stroke, maybe tickle or just hold... whatever feels most comfortable and loving. These changes train your mind into seeing your body in a more positive light. 

Also honestly: unfollow influencers on social media who make you feel inadequate in any way. The things you see a lot are such influence on how you feel, so it may be better not to see them. Follow influencers and pages that DO make you feel good and valid, because that is what you are 💕

Lastly: your body is just one aspect of you. You are so much more than your body. What are you good at? What are you proud of? What makes your heart sing? I bet you will think of quite a number of things. Write them down and put them somewhere you know you’ll read them again. Big hugs, Thor

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

Whisked Away 2

No tag lists. Do not send asks or DMs about updates. Review my pinned post for guidelines, masterlist, etc.

Part of the Sweet and Spicy AU

Warnings: this fic will include dark content such as dubcon/noncon, and other possible triggers. My warnings are not exhaustive, enter at your own risk.

18+ only. Your media consumption is your own responsibility. Warnings have been given. DO NOT PROCEED if these matters upset you.

Summary: You get a job at a bakery but your new boss only adds to your work

Character: chubby!baker!Thor

Please comment and reblog if it’s not too much. I always love getting to chat about these stories and hearing all your ideas! You all are wonderful and loved.

Delaney wishes you good luck as you go. Your heart is fluttery with nerves. It’s been a while since you actually had an interview. These days, most send you a link where you record yourself answering generalised questions. You never do well at those. In fact, you’d only ever had one job.  

You worked at a cafe in high school and after you went and got your culinary schooling done, you were promoted. It held you through the first few years of your twenties until Delaney got sick and you had to move to the city for her treatment. Your squirreled away savings got you the apartment and her stipend helped, but you’re running dry on credit. 

You need this. Desperately. But you can’t show that if you want it. You have to play it cool. Be a professional. 

You catch a streetcar down to the main row and check your phone. You’re well ahead of time. Good. You’ve never been to this particular place. You don’t go out much if it isn’t to the grocery store or the pharmacy. Delaney stopped wanting to go outside a while back. You try to encourage her but you can tell it only makes her feel worse. 

You follow the map directions on the app and stop before the cafe windows. They’re slightly tinted with curling golden calligraphy painted across them; Golden Crust. The facade is brown and yellow brick and there are flower boxes just below the windows. Behind the glass, loaves of bread lines a shelf, on display to tempt passerbys. 

The door is wide and thick and painted red. You push inside and pause to look around. The long counter is made of dark wood with clear glass cases on top containing dozens of colourful and sugary desserts. Behind the counter, the walls are lined with shelves; some ingredients, some with unfolded boxes, and more bread and packaged biscuits to go. It’s all finely organized. 

Lights hang above with brass shades, lending a low hue to the shop. Several customers wait in queue as two employees work tills at opposite ends of the counter. You don’t know whether you should join the wait or go ahead and let them know that you’re there to see Thor for an interview. That was his name, right? 

You look at your phone again. You have time. You wouldn’t want to be rude. You adjust your bag and stand at the end of the line. The women ahead of you marvel at the pristine mini white chocolate cakes with dark candied cherries on top as another whispers about cheesecake being devilish. Your own eyes wander gluttonously to the assortment. 

You peel away your gaze and look down at yourself. You put together the best you could; a striped blouse, navy blue on white, and a pair of straight-legged pants. They’re a bit outdated but professional at a glance. You hope no one notices the scuff on your right toe. 

You get to the front of the line and step up. The young girl behind the till asks what you’d like. You give an apologetic smile, “um, actually, I’ve got an interview.” 

“Ah, yes, another one for Thor,” she chimes, “well, you just come with me.” 

She’s young. Still a teenager. Her and the other cashier look to be barely graduated if that. 

She walks toward the end of the counter and she beckons you over, “I’m Thrud,” she pulls back the short little door for you to step through, “that’s Nari,” she gestures to the dark-haired worker at the other till. He’s too busy taking orders to notice. 

You introduce yourself as she takes you around to a doorway, “I think he’s just doing these in the kitchen. Last one ended early so...” she talks brightly as she bounds ahead of you like a happy puppy, “dad?” She calls as she enters the large kitchen. “Dad? I’ve got the next appointment.” 

Your anxiety spikes. You’re not the first or the last. The competition deflates your hopes even further. 

“Eh?” A deep grunt comes as head pops up from the other side of the large marble island. The man is so large his head hits one of the pans dangling from the ceiling rack. He rubs his brow and hisses, “sorry, I was just looking for my pen.” 

Thrud laughs as she crosses her arms. You notice the golden pen tucked behind his ear. She raises a hand, keeping her other arm folded, as she taps her temple. His brows arch and he feels around his wave locks and fishes out the pen. 

“Right,” he gives a sheepish look and wiggles it in triumph. 

“Anyhoo,” Thrud trills, “this is her.” 

“Thank you, Thrud,” he drones back. 

“Mhmm,” she turns and smiles at you again before she goes. 

“Uh,” you hesitate, unsure how to begin, “er,” you introduce yourself, once more “I have a resume on hand--” 

“No need,” he waves you off, “come, I try to keep these things straight to the point.” 

You near him and rest your hand on your bag, chewing your lip. 

“Wash your hands,” he directs you towards the sink, “you may put your things there.” He points to the empty counter on the other side of the deep metal sink. You put your bag there and scour your hands deliberately, taking your time as you scrub nails, knuckles, palms, every bit. You dry off on the towel he offers as you face him. 

“Here,” he gives you and apron, “would want you to make a mess. 

You tie on the apron as he turns and grabs a tray. There are half a dozen cookies on the sheet, some empty piping bags, nozzles, a bowl of icing and small tubes of food dye. You look between him and the cookies. 

“You may choose the design. You will decorate and I will ask questions, does that work for you?” 

“Um, sure,” you answer. It’s unexpected. “All six?” 

“All six,” he confirms and crosses his arms, making himself even broader. He is not only tall, but wide, and his apron does little to conceal his indulgence in sweets that gathers around his middle. 

“Okay,” you accept the challenge meekly. 

You step up to the marble island and take a moment. You twiddle your fingers nervously as you think. You don’t know what to do. You don’t want to go to simple. 

“Take your time, I’ll ask some questions and you can begin whenever you’re ready,” he assures, “so, you’re availability, it is flexibly? Our open ours are eight to six, but you are available on weekends?” 

“Yes,” you say as you set an idea in your head and read for the icing. You stir it with the wooden spoon, testing its consistency. “I have open availability most days.” 

“Most days?” He echoes. 

“Um, yes, I may have an appointment now and again.” 

“Oh, appointment?” 

“For my sister,” you explain, “but it wouldn’t get in the way, I'm sure.” 

You cringe. You’re already making yourself feel bad. 

“And so, you’ve had one previous role, what was included in that?” he asks. 

Only one... that can’t be good on paper. 

“I worked at a cafe. I was a barista for the first two years, then I was promoted to baker, and ended as assistant manager at the branch,” you explain as you fill one of the piping pages and fit the appropriate tip, “but I completed by culinary diploma while I was there.” 

“And after? What did you do? I see you’ve been out of work.” 

You’re quite as you lean over the cookies and start on the first one. Your idea is simple in premise but not in execution. Delaney loves to do cross-stitches, so that’s what you’ll do. First, the white grid and the lacing along the edges, then you’ll fill in the squares with all different colours to make the illusion of stitches. 

“I’ve been a caretaker to my sister,” you say quietly, “we only just moved here last year so I haven’t found much.” 

“And you would be able to work fulltime?” He asks. 

“Yes, she’s... she’s doing better now. I can do it,” you assure him as you keep your eyes on your precise lines. 

He’s quiet. You’re sweating. You just concentrate on the work. Maybe your answers aren’t the best but you hope your work is. You finish the crosshatching and look up. You find him watching your hands intently. As you pause, his blue eyes meet yours. He gives a smile. 

“Ha,” he scoffs, “my hands are too big.” He shows his thick fingers, “I can’t quiet get my lines that tight.” 

You nod and bow your head again. You’re not even done the first cookie. You have six to prove yourself. Six cookies to seal your fate. 

[the-firebird69]

Watch "Immortan Joe Makes His Speech - Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) - Immortan Joe Running Citadel" on YouTube

And there are a few more things they think that it's Dave and company and they can't figure it out but their other Giants are a bit bigger so they're trying to find me and they're looking at him real close and the answers are kind of odd ubiquitous but we're suspects they say so we don't trust that he's going to get him anything and he's under massive attack and most likely that's one of the reasons the other is because of what we're talking about but the real reason if they won't stop building the shields to oppress them and everyone else

Hera

What's true is they might turn around and try and blame us and we need to find out who has DNA samples

Zues

I have gone through this before and I do know who to go after

Jen Equiz

We are helping and we know what you're saying they're pain the ass and we don't need that, make me have planned it and to go after you and her but they discounted us completely which is odd so he thinks it's Dave and we're pissed off because it keeps on blaming you as an act and we're going after him for it and sitting there threatening you like this baby boy next door that's too much of it and yeah lots of people are going to blame you and her and they're looking now. And the reason is there could be ships out there that are gigantic and the ship that he Martin Joe is on top of and he's inside a skull by the way of the enemy of Dave and the clans and it's a Mac skull, he's a famous giant that finally fell and it's Goliath. The ship might be who knows 500,000 miles long and 20,000 miles wide or 100,000 miles wide they don't know they could be gigantic enormous and they have yet to do anything so sit here and sputter Baker they're nasty people and we're going to back you up and they're going to be going nuts they can't believe what they're finding here some people have scans and they will get killed for knowing

Thor Freya

Olympus

We're finding impossible to get along with people now it's going to be harder I need to ask for troops in here 10 times the amount and everyone we need to spies and new water Ariana are on it and have information

Hera they say they're going to fix the verbiage and we believe them

We have a lot of information and it's pertinent and the situation is real and we're not fooling anybody if we say it's not so let's get going we have a lot of work to do

Nuada Arrianna

Olympus

[thors-soft-cheeks]

You're more than a snack, baby. You're a whole three-course meal and dessert. I really just want to feed you cookies and cuddle that lovely tummy after I shag your brains out.

MY BODY IS READY BABY BRING IT ON 💖

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Ah Thor, I'm working hard frying donuts at my own bakery job. Trade you some hot and fresh rings for a slice of the booty cake (or chocolate, that'd work too ;).

Ohhh... donuts! I adore donuts and I’m definitely down to trade. What about a booty cake with chocolate on top? ☺️

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Hi Thor! I've been dealing with PCOS for a bit over a year and have found that I also have a gluten intolerance. But the gluten free options are often higher in calorie due to being made with rice or corn. I've also lost some weight recently and don't want to sacrifice that. I know cauliflower pizza crust is delicious and healthier. Any options like this for baking and desserts?

Ahh… gluten. As a baker I know that these little proteins are both a blessing and a curse. They are terrific coagulants; making everything stick together awesomely. Also rising and making things like cake and cookies nice and fluffy is partly due to those proteins. But I also know that there are many people who can’t eat them. Under no condition. And do everything I can to avoid cross contamination when I work on my gluten free options. 

Thankfully there is a wide array of pseudo grains and flours that do not contain gluten like teff, amaranthe, oats, quinoa, millet and buckwheat. If will take some home baking exercise to use these flours in your cooking; the lack of gluten will require a different approach. And there’s also the matter of taste: some of these pseudo grains will have a flavour you might have to get used to. Definitely buckwheat isn’t for everyone. Oats, on the contrary, are affordable and usually mild in taste and VERY versatile in use. I love making granola bars with oats and banana oat pancakes work excellently too, or what about a light greek yoghurt cheese cake with a cinnamon granola base? (see below) When it comes to calories, oats are more or less similar to regular wheat and generally gentle on your system. 

Important: If the gluten sensitivity is really bad, (ie with celiac patients) you may also have to pay attention to traces in these flours because often they come from the same factory/packaging company as regular flours that do contain gluten. Definitely with oats there may still be gluten in it from other grains that got mixed up in packaging and shipping. It’s very tricky and I hope for you that this can get better soon. I always buy them from a company that guarantees gluten free oats here in Norway but it may be different on your location. 

A recipe for you, my friend! 

Greek yoghurt cheese cake (serves 12)

Ingredients for the base: 

100 g (1 cup) oats1 tbsp oil30 grams sugar (don’t use a substitute or the base won’t stick together)Cinnamon or cookie spices to taste

Ingredients for the topping: 1000 g (a kilo) greek yoghurt, quark, skyr or kvarg (depending on your location)4 medium eggssugar or other sweetener to tastevanilla aroma to tastelemon aroma to taste3 tbsp maize starch or pudding powder

Method:Grab a pan, put all base ingredients in and cook on medium flame until the sugar begins to melt. Make sure you don’t burn it because that definitely ruins the taste. Remove from flame. Grab a spring form, put baking paper on the bottom and fixate it. Lightly grease the sides of the spring form to prevent caking. Spread the hot oat mix evenly on the bottom, press lightly together and let it cool down and stick together nicely.

Get yourself a big bowl and a whisk. Make sure the yoghurt is not too wet, if it contains too much water, let it drain for an hour or two in advance. (use a kitchen towel and hang it above the bowl) Kvarg and skyr usually already have a good consistency. Mix with the other ingredients for the topping, stir well until its a smooth mixture.

Pour the mixture over the hardened oat bottom evenly, spread it out to the edges.

Place the cake in the oven (no need to preheat) at 150 degrees celcius for 70 minutes.

Let the cake cool down before eating it, put in the fridge for a quicker cool down. Should be ready to eat in 2 or three hours. Enjoy! 

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Hey Thor, Do You have any positive Words for someone who has been put down, or hurt because of their weight? Some people i know are real jerks and always talk down to me, and bully/Harass me For being Overweight, and its been really getting to me. :/

Absolutely my dear. I’ve been where you are, the world is a cruel place for anyone who is different, like we are. And I’m sorry that it affects you so. The people who harass you, will never experience your amazing hugs, your kindness, enjoy the great company that is you. They are missing out on all your awesomeness. Give that to those who deserve it, those who are kind to you. Or give it to yourself every now and then. You rock, you’re worthy and I hope you feel better 💕❤️💖 All the hugs you’ll ever need.

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Thor, I was wondering if you’ve ever made any erotic cakes or other baked goods😉

Who told you about the dick donuts??? The Butt cookies??? Oh and the boobie cake, hmm? Well? 

[thors-soft-cheeks]

OML does Thor have wings!? A cherub Thor would be so sweet! I needa kiss them cheekies!!!!!

I’d love to do a photoshoot with big feathery wings and all the extra extras, anon 💕 Awesome idea! Like a big Victoria’s Secret angel.

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Thor, I'm sure you hear this a lot, but I have such a desire to massage your belly. I'd just worship it and the rest of the body the way you deserve it. Take so much pride in any moans and groans you make. It'd be all about your pleasure. I guess not all cause I'd get to see that glorious tum of yours.

Oh anon, honey, sweetie...

I swear I’m sitting here in just my short booty shorts on the couch because I just finished work and I’m waiting for my dinner.

Your lovely, sexy suggestion that I am Totally Down For right now is causing to have me open the door for the delivery person with an embarrassingly big hard on if I don’t take care of business down there right now.

I’ll be back 😏💕😘

[thors-soft-cheeks]

Could you eat a three tier cake all to yourself, Thor????

I think so? Is it a red velvet cake? I’ll take my chances with that. You could wake me up for a red velvet cake, really.