#baffling scene to me. when the guy changed the rules i was like BAD TV. THE CONSTELLATIONS WOULD COMPLAIN

[metanarrates]

u are making me want to reread so i can talk about it with you. book club! anyway i havent read them since i was like. 17 maybe?? but i would love to hear more of your thoughts. unfortunately i dont have any specific questions due to not remembering that much. wait thoughts on the ending of the games scene. lets kill ourselves together scene

yes you should! my dms are open for you. I love to chat about what im reading 😄😄😄

i already talked in another ask about how the spectre of survivor's guilt made that scene work for me on an emotional level even though I don't buy the romance, but let's talk about how the other stakes of this scene unfortunately make no goddamn sense. (this is a trend in my problems with the hunger games. the stakes are weirdly defined and inconsistent on both logical and symbolic levels.)

the capitol audience does not behave as reality tv audiences irl do. ive talked before about this, and I'll say it again - no reality tv audience would ever willingly want to watch the days long peeta/katniss cave segment livestream. if we are meant to believe that this is an audience who thrives on bloodshed and drama, we need to see that constantly putting pressure on the characters. it does not work well as a story about being forced into behaving as entertainment if the characters only occasionally feel the pressure to be entertaining. the entire structure of the story needs to be different if we are to believe that this is a livestream that a lot of people (many of whom are Sickos) are watching.

with that in mind, let's lay down the things that the story needs you to believe in order for this scene to work:

the reality TV audience is fine, or fine enough, with the gamemakers changing the rules of the games back last-minute to prevent two victors from winning. they at least do not storm the gamemakers studio about it.

a victor needs to exist, so much so that the absence of one could get the gamemakers killed

the audience would NOT like to see a lover's double suicide at the climax of the games

rejecting the need for a victor and dying by suicide instead translates into a meaningful and political rebellion against the capitol

the audience agrees, or agrees enough, that it's fine to change the rules back to allow two victors.

none of these feel earned to me. any TV watcher worth their salt will tell you that it's universally hated when a show changes its rules arbitrarily for the sake of dramatic tension. this would work if the point of this was that the capitol was willing to sacrifice viewer satisfaction to retain control over the games, but...

that argument is reliant on the assumption that the capitol needs a victor. and why does it? the purpose of these games is to be violent entertainment and propaganda to show the futility of resistance. katniss even says in an earlier chapter that there have been games with no victor because everybody died. there's been very little establishment of why the capitol might find a victor necessary. i can speculate, but ultimately the novel doesn't really establish the victors as serving a critical purpose to the system of the games. they don't even say explicitly that a victor is necessary until this veey scene. the cruelty is the point of the games. and being forced to kill yourself is cruel. so...

I have no idea why an audience would hate a double suicide here. if they're consuming the games as violent entertainment, they should LOVE that shit! its dramatic! its great tv! ratings should be through the roof! what an amazing tragedy! this is the height of the capitol forcing people to participate in cruelty! therefore...

I straight up do not understand the notion that this constitutes meaningful rebellion in any way. sure, its a refusal to allow the expected outcome of a single victor to occur, but I did outline how I don't think the capitol has any logical reason to object to the double suicide. even if you parse it as resistance, why does it matter if they're both dead? this should instead show everyone that resisting only leads to death. which is the point of the games.

and is the audience cruel or not? are they okay with a "kill or be killed" scenario or are they rooting for peeta & katniss so badly that they would cheer for a deus ex machina to save them? i just don't get it. it doesn't make sense to me.

so yeah the scene just feels silly and contrived at the end of this

[thehippaes]

The worst of Bangers - playlist

Spotify playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2ZZ3PEFfGCqNIVWUVpFt9t?si=4842722153114449 Intro Unbearable narcissist that I am, I was thrilled to see that Isaac Asimov’s Foundation was being adapted into a big budget straight-to-the-internet TV series not because I honestly thought it would be any good, but because I hoped it might finally vindicate one of Bangers’ most (perhaps unfairly?) maligned songs if a few more people consumed the source material that it was an extremely concise precis of. As it happens I’m proper enjoying the series, faithless as the adaptation is - incorporating both emotions and women (two of my favourite things) neither of which were really even hinted at in the books. This train of thought, the fact that Small Pleasures turned 10 earlier this year, and my realisation that I find most of the Bangers back catalogue to weigh heavily on my creative soul as well intentioned but badly executed trash, led me to create a Spotify playlist called The worst of Bangers and write this accompanying blog to revisit some of the most forgotten, dismissed and/or reviled deep cuts. Before I start, these songs are included for a variety of metrics, often because they have a noted down-turn of listens on Spotify compared their album position. That’s not a great metric for a band who split up before Spotify achieved the godlike ubiquity that it now enjoys, but c’est la pomme de la terre. If you can hum any of these songs just by reading their names then you’re doing better than me 3 hours ago. Asimov When Bird was released, I remember several people telling me that this song shouldn’t have made the cut. I got the impression that some people thought it was a joke that didn’t sit that well on an album that was mostly dwelling on depression and suicide, and some others thought it was just a bit shit. Exactly nobody told me that they understood what I was getting at, so for the sake of posterity I’ll explain what it meant to me. Foundation – as I see it – is a musing on humankind’s repeated inability to learn one of the most universal lessons. The story begins with the fall of the Galactic Empire, and each subsequent generation confronts a crisis which requires rejecting the philosophy of the previous generation. Each time, the ruling forces adamantly refuse to realise this – rigidly adhering to the most recent philosophy - until one character tricks them into it and saves the day, thus ushering in a new age. I find the prescience of this to be one of the most depressing facts of human existence, and something I was wallowing in at the time, hence the song. Listening back I think the chorus is great, and Andrew’s weird bass slide in the middle is a joy. Vibrate This song is undeniably cool, but every time we played it people stared at us like we were stupid. I think it’s the emotional pay-off for Bird, after such a miserable time it’s just an acceptance that probably the healthiest thing to do is to accept defeat and plod on ignoring all the glitzy wiff-waff and intriguing mysticism in the world. This is the Bangers song I still sing to myself when I’m doing really practical DIY like building shelves. The truth that I’m more of a practical ox of a guy than an ethereal waif has been one of the healthiest realisations of my life. Stressful Festival The only thing that I ever heard said about this song was that it sounded ‘like Bangers’ on an album that largely didn’t. I think that’s bullshit, Bangers very rarely played this kind of classic on-the-beat punk vibe. Two interesting facts about this song: 1. I remember writing all the guitar riffs in Berlin after playing with De Cracks in the Ramones Museum and their Ramones-core translating much better to acoustic guitar than any of Banger’s music did. 2. While recording I puked in my mouth singing “sick to death of every one of you” and swallowed it again before coming in for the last chorus. If you listen really hard you can hear it coming up. A Quite Different Coastline In amongst the fairly weird Crazy Fucking Dreams album, this song performs especially badly with people who aren’t in Bangers. I think it rips, but Spotify figures confirm a proper dip compared to the rest of this album. I just don’t know what’s wrong with people sometimes! Bad Jokes Someone in Austria told me to my face that this song was too boring, and we pretty much stopped playing it after that. I think it has a janky song structure, and the nearest thing to a chorus it has (none of the songs on Crazy Fucking Dreams really have a chorus) isn’t that catchy, but I think the song is OK. I can confirm that nobody ever shouted for us to play it live. The Nick of Time OK, here’s a proper deep-cut. It’s the first B-side from the Blind Hindsight single, and I couldn’t remember anything about it before listening today. I remember we cut it from Crazy Fucking Dreams because it didn’t sit well with the other songs, but on reflection it really carried the core message that I was trying to get across in that album. Namely that history forgets just about everybody, so why should we feel obligated to be interested in anything that’s mainstream enough to be remembered. I suspect that the lyrics are not that relatable, but they’re a good diary entry for me to remember the first person I ever watched die. Log Jam Second B-side. I believe we only ever had two B-sides. We recorded this in our practise room in Exeter, and I seem to remember we tracked it back to front with the piano first and drums last. Maybe Hamish was at work until late or something. This is the song to drag out if anyone tries to tell you Bangers were just a gruff punk band who sounded like The Menzingers. I think there’s a weird time signature change, and that’s probably not because we were trying to be clever if you know what I mean. A man like Jack McCall This is named after the guy who shot Wild Bill in Deadwood. I loved that show, but at the time I knew I was much more a drunken cowardly shit-heel than any of the heroic (or at least stoic) characters. It was on the Good Livin’ EP which I find mostly unlistenable because of some very sketchy guitar playing. This was the weird plodder at the end which we probably played live a handful of times and then realised that nobody really wanted to hear it and it wasn’t that fun to play. Every night’s a date night On the subject on not being fun to play, this song was always a pain. Something about the timing at the start just baffled Hamish, so we ditched playing it as soon as we had enough songs. However in my mind this is one of THE archetypal Bangers songs, it’s got that lolloping, on-the-push rhythm, not a normal power chord in sight, and three quite distinct sections without anything approaching a chorus. Small Pleasures is definitely our most listened to album on Spotify, but where some of those songs really defined how Bangers were perceived, this never really landed. The Love Nest I straight up laughed out loud today when I saw we’d called a song The Love Nest. I couldn’t remember anything about it until I listened to it today for the first time in years. We played this a lot when we were relevant to the DIY scene in about 2011, and I think people used to sing along. It’s included here because I fully forgot it existed. There was a positive vibe (when no one was left alive) + Walking on the ground These two songs make up the Last Songs EP (single?) that we just about managed to release in time for our last ever show. I think we’d decided to split up by the time we recorded them, but I wouldn’t put money on it. I don’t know if we ever played Positive Vibe live, which is a shame because both songs are great. I think the album that these songs were meant to become would have nailed a good mix of dirty pop that we were aiming at in that moment. We probably would have messed it up though. Outro After I put this playlist together I went and listened to Challenger – Give people what they want in lethal doses as a pallet cleanser. I heartily recommend you do the same. Go and support Andrew and Kay’s new doughnut shop Future Doughnuts in Bristol, and visit Hamish in Cambridge. I’m doing fine. Roo

[ain-t-bovvered]

Epiphany 3

read first ACT 1

EDIT:  @waywardbaby​

Summary: Less than two years later, you finally passed the men of letters’ initiation and, finally, you now set foot in America eager to be reunited with the Winchesters. But if Dean thought that you spent your days only with your nose in books and hands in monster’s guts, he was dead wrong. Your mission? Something that the British branch tried and failed miserably,  or at least that’s what they told you anyway.

Pairing: Dean X Reader

Characters: Dean, Sam, Castiel and Jack

Warnings: slow burn guys…slow burn. Also, some fluff, humor, feels and angst.

Feeling out of place in their little domestic banter, you volunteered to help with the cooking and felt relieved when she accepted. You could use this time to get to know her better, she was a hunter so... kinda what you were here to do. The boys set up the table and unloaded the rest of the luggage from the car.

“Want to cook something you are familiar with? If I have the right stuff?” Jody asked, gesturing you to look into the fridge, where you found eggs and bacon. You already knew what to do.

“There is plenty for a pasta recipe if it’s ok with everybody…? Do you have …what do you call them here…noodles?”

“Yes, I have them, and don’t worry… Those guys will eat everything that’s homemade and they’ll make you feel like an honest to God chef.” She scoffed grabbing the beer from your grasp and putting it on the counter with hers. Then she opened a cabinet and pulled out two wine glasses and a cork, “Red or white?”.

“Red please,” you said while waiting for the sink water to become hot. While pouring a generous amount of wine she watched you filling up the pot and putting it on the stove. She handed you the pasta but you shook your head. “Wait for it to boil, trust me... I feel bad having to tell you what to do in your own house …”

“Oh don’t worry. I’m more than ok with people cooking for me,” she said whisking the eggs lightly while you chopped the bacon and let it sizzle in a large pan with some olive oil.

“The water is boiling now.” You took a big handful of salt and threw it in the water, spaghetti going in right after.

“I smell bacon!” Dean's head popped into the kitchen. “Y/N, you cooking?” he asked taken aback.

“I asked her. Hope you are hungry because this looks amazing “

“Anything with bacon is awesome.” 

He grinned, coming to stand behind you, perking above your shoulder, while you tossed around the chunks of bacon. His scent again covering whatever smells were around and you inhaled deeply, groaning mentally.

“It should be almost ready,” you said while fishing out a single noodle, with a fork, to taste. Blowing on it you pick it up, testing the consistency with your fingers. “Yeah, should be okay” you raised the noodle to Dean who bent down to catch it with his mouth and you froze.

“Yep, ready!” and he walked out of the kitchen. You picked up the pot and began to drain the pasta in the sink.

“Well …so that’s what happened back then.” Jody's eyes didn’t miss that little moment you had and smirked.

“What?” you asked startled, splashing some of the boiling water on your arm. Hissing in pain you continued to drain the rest of the pasta without stopping.

“You ok? “

“Yeah, don’t worry, it’s nothing” Your skin burned, tossing the pasta in the pan with the bacon.

Jody passed you the beaten eggs, pepper, and grated cheese mixture.

“I’ll let you stir it up while I take care of this,” you stated, showing her your arm and you left the kitchen. You passed in front of the brothers that were sitting at the table quite quickly but not quickly enough. Dean saw the angry red forearm you were holding to your chest and stood up, chair scratching the floor. 

“What happened?” he was by your side in a flash, taking your arm gently to check it.

“Nothing! I just splashed some boiling water on it. Don’t worry, I have something.” He followed you to your backpack that was leaning near the entrance.

“Can you help me ..?” you asked, whispering. He crouched down near you and opened the zip. You searched inside with your good arm and took out a clear tube full of green gel. He grabbed it from you and before you could say anything, he squirted out the gel on his hand. Grasping your arm again with one hand and furrowing his brows in concentration, he touched your skin. You hissed at the contact with the gel, and he stopped to look at you. 

“It’s okay, it’s just really cold,” you said smiling. He nodded and began to massage it into your skin. You sighed in relief as the cooling of the gel erased the burning, and peered at Dean’s face who, sensing your gaze, looked up at you.

“Am I doing this right?” he asked, anxiously.

“Yeah, feels great,” you said softly and watched as his pupils grew wider.

Someone cleared their voice.

Both your heads shoot up at the source. Sam and Jody were awkwardly waiting for you at the table, steamy food in the center. You scrambled on your feet stumbling a bit, Jody exchanging a funny look with Sam, and of course, your face went up in flames.

“Oh, God!! This is amazing!” 

The Winchesters stuffed their faces with the food, moaning in appreciation. “What is this?” Sam asked, mouth full, while Dean guzzled up another bite like someone would come and steal his plate.

“It’s…just eggs, cheese, and bacon….” You said baffled while taking another sip of wine.

“It’s awesome, that’s what it is.” must have been what Dean tried to say.

“Delicious, simple and quick” Jody nodded, approvingly.

“Thanks” you mumbled behind your glass.

Bellies full and spirits intoxicated, the boys offered to do the dishes while you and Jody lounged, watching tv.

“Soooo..” she began and you already dreaded what was coming, “... you and Dean, uh?” and wine went down the wrong pipe.

“No, no, we are not…I mean …”

“Hey look. I don’t know what happened, but I’m not blind,” she said, smirking. You blushed and sipped from your glass trying to buy time.

“Uhm…yeah well… maybe something happened. Maybe!” you said looking in the direction of the kitchen door, making sure no one was listening. “Maybe there was something, but it’s been long and I don’t know anymore…err.”

“That thing before…  didn’t look like nothing” she chuckled.

“…I think he liked me better when I wasn’t part of this” you said lowering your voice.  “He isn’t happy with what… I am now,” you mumbled, the bottom of your glass looking extremely interesting right now. “He made that clear.”

“That’s just how he is. I saw something before, and trust me, you  don’t want to let it slip away.” She looked towards the kitchen too, where you could hear the boys talking. “Especially, if you both are in this life. Sometimes, it’s simpler that way” Suddenly, you could see her lines more clearly. You knew that look. She had lost someone.

“Tell me about the girls …” 

In the kitchen.

“Dude…”

“What?” Dean replied, failing to look clueless.

“I mean, that little scene from before…really? In Jody’s living room? We were wondering if we should have just left the two of you alone. So embarrassing!”

“I don’t know what you are talking about “

Sam sighed, frustrated by his brother stubbornness. 

“For almost two years you checked on her regularly and every time you didn’t hear from her, you’d freak out and when she would  finally text or call, suddenly it was all rainbows and unicorns”

Dean scoffed “I was not…”

“Yeah… you were! Even Jack noticed it!”

“So…? We all care about her!”

“Sure, we do…but…”

“It’s been almost two years, Sam. Things have changed.” he snapped.

“Have they?....she is in the life now, and from what I could see she looked pretty competent and happy.” Dean’s jaw clenched as his brother cut him before he was able to say anything. “And don’t say it’s your fault! Remember what she told you last night, yeah?”

“She looked like she wanted to eat my face” he chuckled.

“You two looked like you were going to have angry sex right in front of me”

Dean quickly focused on the plate he was drying and then peered at Sam again. “That was pretty hot, right?”

Sam paused and rolled his eyes, and then smiled wickedly, “If you don’t, then I will” he whispered.

*crash*

“What was that?” Jody exclaimed, alarmed. “Guys are you breaking my china?!”

Sam’s head appeared, grinning. “Sorry, Jody! Dean’s hands slipped! Why don’t you and Y/N choose a film? We are almost done here.”

“…no chicks flicks!” Dean’s tensed voice roared from the kitchen.

“My Netflix, my rules!” Jody shouted back, then she turned to you, “Any preferences?”

“Mmm, not really. I mean, I love Austen’s movies but I don’t want to torture the guys” you laughed.

“How about some action?” Jody said, scrolling through the library; suddenly you saw a familiar name.

“THAT!” you cried, jumping up. “Oh my God! I can’t believe it! Can we? Please?”

“Watch what?” Dean came out of the kitchen, drying his hands on a towel, followed by Sam.

“They call me Trinity,” you said excitedly, turning to him. “You know it?”

“No, what’s that?” Sam asked.

“Oooooh, it’s a - I mean, you never saw it? Really?” Both shook their heads. “It’s a spaghetti western from the ‘70s… it’s so great! It's been years since I last saw it!”

“You had me at Western,” Dean said happily and pushed Sam when he elbowed him smiling like an idiot.

“Hell yeah…! If… if it’s ok with you?” you asked Jody, embarrassed for taking the initiative.

“I’m ok with that! Let me grab some beers” she said giving you the remote.

“Oh, you are all gonna love it!”

------------------------------------------------

“If you don’t, then I will”

Dean’s hands slipped when his muscles twitched and he turned his head to Sam, eyes wide. “What?”

“Guys, are you breaking my china?”

“What do you mean ‘if I don’t, you will’ ?” Dean stared at Sam’s back. He turned to face him.

“Well…Dean...” he sighed as he watched Dean’s eye twitch. “I mean…she’s cute, and clever and funny. I like having her around. It’s refreshing.” 

He walked to his brother lowering his voice. “I stood aside because I thought you two were...Dude, I mean, I’m not blind…”  

He picked up the broken plate, Dean staring at him in silence “... but if you decide not  to act on it, then I will!” Dean’s gaze shifted to the door that overlooked the living room.

Sam sighed, “Look...I don’t pretend that what I feel now is deeper than what I think you feel, but if you tell me to back off, I can still do that”.

Once everybody was seated, Dean in the armchair, you squeezed between Jody and Sam jumping slightly on your seat, feeling so thrilled as the movie began with the old nostalgic whistling tune that you tried to follow.

Dean snorted looking at you. “What are you trying to do?”

“I can’t whistle, sue me!” you snapped unfazed by his question and resumed your poor attempt, earning a throaty chuckle from him. 

Dean watched you from the corner of his eye. How you laughed and whispered the lines over the ones playing. 

‘Nerd’

His eyes softened seeing you so caught up with it. Sam occasionally leaned into your side to ask about something in your ear, you whispered back, and both laughed softly. Dean had been biting his inner cheek to stop himself from walking over to you two. After a while, he just gave up and shoving his brother aside, sat in between. Sam had patted him on his shoulder, saying he will give him time to sort his shit out. 

‘Sort his shit out’

Yeah, like it was simple. His mind went back at how things were left between you two. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it and most of the time there was nothing innocent about it.

It had begun after the first week they came back. He had had a dream about that kiss and woken up in the middle of the night, sweaty, hugging the pillow and, with great horror, he realized he’d been dry humping it. Looking down at the throbbing bulge in his boxers he had mumbled something about behaving like a horny teenager. Nothing good came from trying to re-adjust himself. In fact, it made it worse. 

“Jesus, I need a cold shower” 

But moving, at this particular moment was almost painful, with his blood buzzing like it did so he had fallen back on the pillow, exhaling. His hand lazily grazing down his navel, drawing the path to his groin. He had paused, unsure if thinking about you this way was dangerous and deciding that it definitely was. His mind wandered, again, to that night, you breathing out his name, teeth nibbling his ear, your body desperately trying to find some friction and he lost it. 

‘Fuck, I’m gonna explode if I don’t take care of this’. 

His hand sneaked under the waistband of his boxers. The skin was burning and he was already a sticky mess down there and as soon as his hand wrapped around himself he let out a low moan. 

‘Son of a bitch, this is ridiculous what am I? 15?’ 

He tentatively gave a slow pump and his hips jerked on their own account. Again and this time he had to bite down on his lips, muffling a swear. He stilled and closed his eyes diving into the memory of you, your face burned on the insides of his eyelids, your hands around him and your name on his lips like a prayer.

“Dean, you ok?” 

His eyes flew open at the sound of your voice and he turned his gaze to you, who looked concerned and a bit disappointed “Are you bored?”

“W-What?” he stuttered.

“The movie…is it boring?” 

His eyes once focused, registered that you had shed your sweatshirt and he could see your whole cleavage the way you were bent toward him. You were, now, in a loose shirt and after all that had just played back in his mind, this had definitely come at the worst timing.

He cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. “No no, the movie’s awesome. I guess I'm just tired”

“Oh then, maybe we should leave before you fall asleep here”.

“What? You leaving?” Jody asked. 

“Yes, we saw a motel on our way here”

“Nonsense! Why don’t you crash here? Y/N can sleep in Claire’s room tonight, and the couch is a pull out bed big enough for both of you.” Dean opened his mouth to refuse “…and I also have bacon for breakfast” she added.

“Oh well, in that case…” Dean looked pleadingly at Sam who rolled his eyes.

Lying on the bed, after taking a quick, much needed, hot shower, you had your journal open on the werewolf section when a knock distracted you. 

“Come in,” you said, securing the towel tight around your chest. 

Dean’s head popped in. You saw him tensing a bit and awkwardly entered the room, eyes lowered and scratching his head.

“Uum sorry…  I can come back later if…”

“Nah, it’s ok! What's up?”

His eyes wandered to the journal in your hands “Is that..?”

“Yep…still using this. I can’t deal with the digital one.” 

He walked towards you and you felt the bed sinking under his weight. He extended his hand asking for permission and you handed him the journal.

“Well, look who’s been a busy bee!” he teased, scrolling through the pages. “This looks so much better.”

You scooted closer, staying in a prone position, and reached for the bookmark, turning the pages. 

“My records,” you said tentatively as he read the list of hunts you’ve been in. You had kept track of them as you had with your first one.

“I see you didn’t get any better at drawing!” he chuckled.

“My colleagues, back at the office, make me draw the monster of the week on the briefing board.” you giggled

He became serious and stared at you. “You fine, then?” he asked.

“Yeah! ” you sighed and smiled warmly. “I am.”

And there was that staring contest again. His eyes darting back and forth, unsure of where to look. Fortunately, the phone next to you rang.

“Hello?” Dean watched as your face brightened, a big smile blossoming on your face and he could swear he saw you blush slightly. “Tony, hi!” his heart dropped. You sat on your knees and threw an apologetic look at Dean, mouthing ‘sorry’. 

When he tried to leave, you grabbed his arm and forced him to sit back down. “Sorry, one moment” you covered the phone with your hand, “Stay, this will take just a minute,” you said and put your phone back to your ear. “Hey, yeah I’m here! Yeah, I’ve arrived safely. No, it was long and boring. NO, I DID NOT GET LOST…”

He couldn’t understand a word but your body language was obvious. 

What if he misunderstood everything?

Was he too late? 

You had never mentioned someone all this time and shit, why would you? It’s not that he had any right to know anyway.

Dean’s attention was caught again by your fit of giggles and you finished the call sighing. 

“...Boyfriend?” he blurted out, kicking himself mentally. He watched as you blushed,

furiously.

“…No … colleague” you said, avoiding Dean’s gaze.

“...Well, I came to tell you that we’re leaving tomorrow at 8. Goodnight.”

Dean stood up quickly before you could stop him. He opened the door and glanced back at you, sitting on your heels in your towel-wrapped body and wet messy hair. He hoped that this vision would not come back this night to torture him.

The smell of coffee and bacon woke you and your stomach up. Groaning, you slid out of bed, dragging your feet to the bathroom. Yawning and rubbing your eyes, you didn’t see who was coming out of the door and crashing your nose into whoever that was, you heard a sickly, crunchy sound.

“Ow! ” you winced, covering your nose with your hands, bending over. You felt your eyes filling with tears in no time.

“Oh geez, Y/N! I - 'm sorry, you ok?” Sam’s apologetic voice said above you, his hand rubbing soothingly on your back.

“ No, I’m not ok,” you snapped back with a nasal voice.”Is it broken?” you asked whining and looking up for him to take a look.

Sam’s gigantic hands cupped your face and tilted your head up. “Nah, you’re good.  It’s just a little bump,” he said, his face coming closer to look at it properly.

“What the hell is your chest made off…? Concrete?” you whined again, punching him slightly. He scoffed but didn’t let go of your face.

“Am I interrupting?” Dean’s annoyed voice came from the end of the hallway. “...breakfast’s ready…” 

Seeing your teary eyes when you looked at him, Dean walked closer. “The fuck’s going on? “ Sam's hands let you go, falling to his sides real quick.

“I broke my nose against a wall, aka Sam,” you said, tentatively touching the tip of your nose.

He chuckled at your nasal voice, then looked at his brother. “There’s some fruit for you too. I’m eating your share of bacon if you don’t hurry” 

“So, I called Donna and briefed her with what you told me. She’s busy but she’ll talk to the sheriff there so you’ll have fewer problems. Let me hear from you when you’re done, alright?” Jody said looking down at Sam.

“Like always! Bye, Jody and thanks for letting us crash here” you shouted and waved from your seat, smiling.

On the road again Sam asked you about that booklet you had given Jody.

“Oh…it’s…uhm....PR…” you finished in a whisper. The boys looked at you briefly. “Well, you said she was a hunter and she knows other hunters, and I’m here representing hunters and Men of Letters and we uhhmm… offer international shipping…so yeah…” you faltered, feeling flustered.

“It’s cool. It’s the job. Don’t need to get all worked up about it.”

“Dean’s right. Hey, can I have one too?” Sam asked and you passed him one of the brochures. His eyebrows shot up as he studied it. 

“A spray that hides your smell? …really ?” he asked amazed.

“Yeah, I brought some, that is...if you want.”

“There’s this thing that hides you from their bite for a certain amount of time, and something similar if you swallow vamp’s blood, and hear this out-...” Dean jumped in and just went on listing everything you had described the day before. He had remembered all of that when you thought he hadn't been listening to your rambling. 

“Y/N, you ready? Come on!” Dean looked at his watch and tapped his foot, Sam simply leaning on the balcony.

“Coming, coming, sheesh!” you called out while opening the door. Their eyes widened as they went up and down your frame.

“What!?” you asked looking down at you. “Do I have stains on my trench-coat? I thought I cleaned it after the last time”

You heard Sam snicker as Dean closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Why are you dressed like that?” he asked

“Why..?" you said in a gruff, low voice. “What’s wrong with it, Dean?” you added annoyed, tilting your head and squinting at him. Sam lost it and he bent down laughing.

“Yeah, ok alright! Let’s go, Cassandra.” Dean’s eyes crinkled.

Once in the car again, you lifted your hips and tugged down your pencil skirt. 

“Isn’t that a bit too short for comfort?” Dean asked looking at you from the rear view mirror.

“There are many reasons for wearing this shit, ok? Mainly… it’s distracting when it needs to be distracting and I can reach my gun and knives easier”

“You…” his eyes looked down and then back up as he quickly licked his lips, adding,  “You have what under there?”

You looked at him and then at Sam who was avoiding your gaze. “Well…not now! I didn’t think I needed them. Why?”

“That’s hot!” Dean whispered smirking and leaning towards Sam.

“What?” you asked.

“Nothing” they both said.

“Good morning, agents. Sheriff Hanscum has already alerted me about your arrival. You are looking for a pattern between the murders, right?”

“That’s right! The coroner reports stated that their hearts were missing...” Sam started putting away his fake badge.

“Yes…more like ripped off…” the poor agent agreed, grimacing.

“… some of them had been used as chew toys?”Dean continued, leaning on the station’s counter. “We’ll need the addresses of the witnesses and relatives and…”

“Can we see the bodies?” you cut in, smiling.

“S-sure…don’t know what else there’s to find but I’ll notify the coroner” the agent smiled and left the counter.

“I can manage the morgue. You go and talk to people…” you said starting to follow him.

“Wait...someone should stay with...” Sam began and you turned to face him with a bitch-please face. “Right…never mind”.

“I’ll call when I’m done and meet up with you,” you said and followed the agent to the morgue after he gave the information to the brothers. You watched as Dean looked back at you and you gave him a thumbs up winking. He smiled, shaking his head.

You skimmed through the coroner reports while examining the wounds. Hearts missing and those were definitely bites and they were still relatively fresh. Making sure nobody was around, you took out a swab and quickly swiped it deeply in the flesh.

Putting the tip of the swab into a tiny test tube with a clear blue liquid, you closed it tightly and sent a text to the boys.

The cab stopped right beside the sleek, black Impala where you waited for them leaning on it and shaking the test tube between your fingers.

“What’s that?” you heard Dean asking before he was even close to you. You looked up at him, Sam left behind to say goodbyes to those poor bastards and handing them fake cards.

“Werewolves genes detector” you answered, squinting at the liquid which was starting to get slightly yellow. Dean lowered himself to peer at it too.

“What’s that?” Sam’s asked, parroting his brother.

“Dude…werewolf test!” Dean said, excitedly.

“Any moment now and it should tell us if we are dealing with those or not,” you said, giving another little flick of your wrist and the liquid started to darken to a bright red. “Yep, doggy genes!”

“That’s convenient,” Sam commented.

“So what did you two find out?” you asked, biting into your burger, making a mess, ketchup dripping down your chin.

“The vice all had something in common...” Sam started.“...hiking” Dean finished, handing you a tissue, pointing at his mouth and chuckling.

“So, we are thinking about a pack of rogues up in the forest? The same path, I guess”

“Likely”

“Phewww!  Luckily I have this job or Id go home floating like a balloon,” you said licking your greasy fingers. 

“What do you mean? This is all proteins and energy “ Dean said chewing on a fry. You and Sam shared a look. “You two can’t just enjoy the little things, can you?”

Switching to hunt mode you took out the local hiking path maps. “Guys, I thought we could cover these different paths that go around the one where the attacks happened and….” 

“You are not going in as bait Y/N!” Dean interrupted you and that earned him your lifted eyebrow look.

“I don’t plan to”

“Because I sai- what?” Dean was sure you were gonna fight him on that.

“I don’t want to go as bait. You should do it. Sam and I will keep an eye on you”

The fry hang from his mouth.

“Y/N, where’s the gun we gave you?” Sam asked confused, staring as you fastened the thigh holster secure, and slipping in a large silver knife.

“Oh, I’m not using it this time” you declared, straining as you tried to shove the jeans inside the worn, leather boots.

“The hell you aren’t!” Dean stated. “You ain’t going werewolf hunting, in the middle of the fricking night, with only a silver knife!! What are you, crazy?”

Rolling your eyes you groaned. “Guys, can you please just trust me? Let me do this my way” you said, tying another holster around the other leg, tight. “Right… now. Sam and I will wear the smell covering spray, you…” walking up to him, you patted his shoulder, “do your best and smell delicious.” 

You winked at his outraged face.

You and Sam left Dean at the beginning of his part of the trail before reaching yours a little further down.

 -We are in position. Start walking.

Sam typed quickly, eyeing you as you reached in the back seat, heaving out a big black case.

“Sam…may I present you…” you began unzipping the case, “... Darcy…”

With a big theatrical gesture, you took out a black crossbow,  with a reverted, automatic, cocking mechanism, swinging it on your shoulder, “... and its little fellas!  Silver pointed darts!” 

You continued, loading ten of those in the automatic mechanism and slipping five more in your tight holster, only now Sam noticing the empty slots.

You threw an optics at him and he, after catching it, raised it to his eye, “I - is this a night vision optic?”

“Yep.” you grinned, starting to walk down your trail, crossbow across your shoulders, your arms hanging on it.

Sam watched you from behind. “Dean’s gonna freak out so bad “.

Dean’s senses were on alert, steady grip on the gun, ears ready to catch the tiniest sound. The flashlight illuminated just a slab of dirt and a small part of the forest trail. His mood was foul though. He wanted this hunt to finish as quickly as possible. His mind racing and fighting with his heart. He wanted to trust you but at the same time, his heart decided that nothing was safer for you than to stay at the bunker in your nerd-cave. He had to admit, seeing you first thing in the morning, cooking pancakes made his stomach flutter and that should not have happened but still, what Sam had said made his blood boil. 

‘Dean Winchester you are a mess’

His brother was right. He needed to get his shit together and fast. 

Suddenly, he heard the classic twig snap. His steps slowed down, his mind cleared, a shuffle to his right and his hand twitched on the handle of the concealed gun.

“Please, help!” a female voice caught his attention. “Help! Is there anyone out there?” This is clearly the trap that was used to lure victims that would have been kind enough to offer help.

“Who’s there?” he decided to play along, keeping his guard up. Another rustling noise and a girl scrambled out from a bush almost knocking him down. He steadied her. “What happened?” 

The girl was covered in mud and he recognized the coppery scent of blood as his grip tightened around his gun.

“They are following me, please help!” She threw herself at him and he would have believed her, hadn't been for his instincts. Her eyes quickly switched to a sickly yellow and he barely had time to push her away when he was jumped by another shadow. He lost balance for a moment and the girl tried to attack him too. He lifted his gun to aim but it was swatted from his hand.

“Shit….A LITTLE HELP HERE?!” he shouted while he kept the female from chewing on his neck. The strain on the muscles on the still fresh wound weighed him down and made his teeth clench. He had completely forgotten to ask Cas to heal that shit. 

Finally, he heard some running steps, which he recognized as Sam’s. Immediately, he was freed from one of them and managed to kick the other one off of him. But Sam was held down, his gun too far to reach and Dean launched himself to him. But the male werewolf held him back. He could only watch, in the corner of his eye, as Sam struggled to get that bitch off of him. Then, he screamed when he saw her going for his throat he had left unguarded.

*Shunk*

Dean had time to see Sam shrugging off the body, still gasping for air.

*Shunk*

The struggling werewolf fell limply on him and grunting, he shoved him to the side.  He scrambled up, breathing hard, adrenaline running high pretty much the only thing stopping him from registering the muscle pain he was experiencing.

“W-What was that?” he asked Sam, helping him up

“That..that was Y/N,” he said breathlessly, hissing as he checked the gash on his thigh. Dean’s confused look fell on the two bodies. He crouched over one to get a better look while Sam picked up their guns, limping.

“Is this an arrow?” he asked, stunned.

“A dart, actually.” 

You said, coming out of the bushes, dusting off your knees, the crossbow held low on your side. Dean watched speechless as you walked past them placing a foot on the werewolves’ chests for leverage. You yanked back, recovering the darts with some, awkward, stumbling back rubbing them clean on your coat before slipping them in your thigh holster. You and Dean stared at each other for an indeterminate period of time, and eventually, you cleared your throat.

“Is that a fucking crossbow?” he asked amazed at Sam. “You use a fucking crossbow?” he turned to you.

“When I can.” you lifted your chin ready for another nagging session. “So?”

His face slowly brightened, a dazzling smile that made him look at least ten years younger spreading there. “Awesome!! That’s...” he breathed, “... that’s cool!”

 “Thanks” you mumbled looking at your feet. “Uuhhhm…we, we should clean up and go… drinks on you two “.

-------------------------------

“Tell me again how you came to use that thing,” Sam asked when Dean came back to the table holding drinks.

“Well...” you began, leaning on the table, trying to reach for your glass, huffing as your fingertips barely reached it. Dean, chuckling pushed the glass closer to you.  “First, it’s badass!! Second, I suck at guns!!”

“From what I saw back there, your aim ain’t bad”

“You see these hands, Dean?” you said waving them at his face. “See these tiny, baby hands?... the recoil always throws me off. If it’s small guns, yeah sure. I can manage but those things you two use?... Nope!! My trainer just gave up and I had to improvise”

“You need to learn, though,” Sam said. “I can’t imagine a lot of hunts where you can use that”

“That’s what I tried to tell you guys from the beginning, but someone...” going louder on the last word, “... likes the sound of his voice way too much.” You glared at Dean who furrowed his brows. “…as I said, I don’t always go on hunts, and when I do, I’m just in the back as a backup...”

“Then how did you manage to get that scar?” Dean deadpanned in the middle of the conversation. You tensed as his eyes didn’t leave you while drinking from his bottle.

Damn it.

“What scar?” Sam asked, confused.

You signed, fingers clutching at your crystal pendant for comfort. A gesture that neither of them missed.

[jillmckenzie1]

Remember the Rules

If you went back in time and told the younger version of myself that a) there would be a gigantically popular TV series about the zombie apocalypse and b) that I would have tapped out on it after the third season, Younger Me would have immediately called 911 and had you arrested with extreme prejudice.

Consider that The Walking Dead began as an independent comic book. Now, it’s getting started on its 10th season, has one current and one upcoming spinoff series, and there’s talk about releasing three connected theatrical films. To paraphrase a former Vice President, The Walking Dead is a big f*cking deal.

If you love it, I give you all the credit in the world. Unfortunately, it doesn’t scratch the itch for me any longer. I’ve come to realize that, in order to achieve maximum enjoyment, I need a soupçon of humor. While The Walking Dead has oodles of gore and scads of drama, it has virtually no chuckles. I get that the series is about the apocalypse and desperation and “We are the walking dead!” and blah blah blah. I also get that humor is an essential component of the human condition and can be found in even the weightiest works of art.*

My flavor of zombies includes a degree of silliness. That blend of carnage and chuckling is why 2009’s horror-comedy Zombieland is so dear to my heart. Ten years later, we’re presented with a sequel. Is Zombieland: Double Tap necessary? Oh, no. Did I laugh a great deal and have a blast watching it? Oh, hell yes.

Ten years have passed since the events of the first film. A plucky band of survivors has not only managed to survive the rampaging hordes of cannibalistic ghouls but also created something that looks an awful lot like a family. They are:

  Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg), a neurotic man who has avoided getting chomped by adopting a host of rules.**

Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson), a cranky zombie killer who loves Twinkies, Elvis, and the creative slaughter of the undead.

Wichita (Emma Stone), a canny survivor who excels at acidic put-downs and sucks at writing notes.

Little Rock (Abigail Breslin), Wichita’s younger sister and a rebellious young woman ready to explore.

  The good news is that they have made their home in The White House. The bad news is that there’s trouble in paradise. Little Rock wants to meet people her own age and get out from under the overbearing glare of her father-figure Tallahassee. Using the Hope Diamond, Columbus proposes to Wichita. She’s terrified of both settling down and settling down with him. The really bad news is that both women take off, and Little Rock decides to ditch Wichita and strike out with Berkeley (Avan Jogia), a guitar-strumming hippie.

The really, really bad news? Zombies have evolved, and the worst of them are known as T-800s. They’re stronger, faster, and tougher. As a result, the gang must go on the road again to rescue Little Rock. Along the way, they’ll run into Madison (Zoey Deutch), a ditz who’s survived by living in the freezer of a Pinkberry, and Nevada (Rosario Dawson), a tough-as-nails woman running an Elvis-themed motel. There’s also Albuquerque (Luke Wilson) and Flagstaff (Thomas Middleditch), a couple of guys who share more than a few similarities with our heroes.

In these times of political polarization and near-constant anxiety, sometimes you just want to be entertained. Let’s be clear, I’m not talking about a “turn off your brain” movie, as these tend to be actively insulting. There’s a vast world of difference between fun and stupid, and Zombieland: Double Tap manages to be consistently entertaining without actively causing brain trauma to viewers.

It gets a little weird, though, and it starts with the director. There are some actors, such as John Travolta, that are frustratingly inconsistent. The right filmmaker can guide Travolta to an Oscar nomination for Pulp Fiction. The wrong filmmaker guides him to a clinically insane performance in The Fanatic. Director Ruben Fleischer has precisely the same problem. Take a gander at his filmography and you’ll see stinkers like Gangster Squad and Venom, movies that feel anonymously made.

Yet the two Zombieland films hum along with creativity, humor, and a sweetly beating heart. Double Tap feels like another 97 minutes tacked onto the first film, and I was 100 percent okay with that. Like before, we see Columbus’ rules for survival amusingly popping onscreen, rapid-fire pacing, and a host of zombie kills that blend gore and humor.*** Fleischer directs with style and verve, and it baffles me that only a few of his films are this good.

Perhaps it’s all due to the script. Original writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick return, along with new scribe Dave Callaham. You can tell these guys love their characters, love the zombie genre, and love tweaking them both in ridiculous directions. While I’ll admit the narrative is slight and there’s a very real episodic feel to the whole thing, I still loved returning to this world. They have crafted a hangout movie set during the zombie apocalypse.

The original cast hasn’t changed a bit. Stone and Eisenberg have charming chemistry together, Breslin brings a spiky realism to her role, and Harrelson is a swaggering goofball. Together, they’re a formidable comic team that utilizes precise timing to deliver big laughs. Of the new characters, Zoey Deutch makes the most of her role. She’s playing the old dumb blonde role, but Deutch is a creative and intelligent actor who excels at going one direction just when you think she’ll go another.

In yet more evidence that we live in the darkest timeline, the dominant piece of zombie pop-culture is relentlessly po-faced and grimdark. For a minute, there was talk about a Zombieland TV series. Its failure is proof that we can’t be trusted with nice things. However, if Fleischer and his cast and crew can keep delivering sequels every 10 years that have the zippy spirit of Zombieland: Double Tap, perhaps we’ll get the entertainment we need, if not the entertainment we deserve.

    *There’s a scene in Schindler’s List in which Oskar Schindler interviews a succession of women to be his secretary. It ends with one of the most perfectly timed jokes I’ve ever seen in a movie.

**A few of my favorites are #3-Beware of bathrooms, #18-Limber up, and #26-A little sunscreen never hurt anybody.

***My favorite kill takes place thousands of miles away from our main characters.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/remember-the-rules/

[agoraphobiadiaries-blog1]

We’re getting personal.

I’ve talked a little bit about what agoraphobia is in general but I haven’t said when I developed this. I was 14 when I had my first panic attack. It was an average night of rebellion at the young persons centre I lived in at the time and one of the boys had, shall we say, a “funky cigarette”. Being the chilled out and brazen young woman that I was, I of course joined in the shenanigans and smoked some along with the rest of the kids. It should be noted that this wasn’t the first time I had touched the illegal herb. After some jokes and giggles with the others I went to my bedroom to get settled in for the night and got in my bed where, as always, started playing around on my phone. The only difference from any other night was that I started to feel a little off. I became very aware of my body and increasingly worried about the sinking feeling in my chest. I really believed that my heart may be sinking. I then battled with my mind, debating whether or not I should just brave up and sleep it off or tell the care home staff which would inevitably get me into trouble. I chose to do the former and just talked myself to sleep.  Following on from this incident, I decided to make some healthy changes in my life. I researched nutrition and all of the horrible side effects that came from my then current diet which consisted of coca-cola in replacement of water, chocolate and overly salty ready meals. I began drinking lots of Evian water (I’m still scared of this water to this day - I’ll explain why) and making a conscious effort to cook with vegetables for a change. Then, a week after my previous panic attack, something happened again. It is something that I remember so vividly, and I fear that I will never forget this moment in my life which caused me such great distress for a long time to follow. It all started while I was watching the television in my mothers apartment. I had my big bottle of Evian in hand and I was sitting on the couch with my head craned round to watch whichever program was on at the time - my mother didn’t have the best furniture arrangement. As I was sitting there, zoned out, I ran my tongue over my teeth and for a split second thought that I felt a tooth missing. Don’t ask me why, it was kind of like a mini nightmare while I was awake. This caused me to feel a little panicked, however this wasn’t the usual type of anxiety that I usually felt as instead all the blood seemed to rush from my head and my body suddenly felt weaker than it had ever been before. I stood up and turned to my brother to ask if he had every felt the symptoms that I was experiencing and he replied with “it just happens when you sit in front of the TV for too long”. Unfulfilled by this answer, I went to my bedroom and Googled my symptoms. Never. Ever. EVER. Use Google as a doctor. Texts flew at my eyes saying that my heart was giving up on me, that I was about to die, that I was in cardiac arrest (I didn’t have a clue what cardiac arrest was at the time). Now I was really panicking and convinced that I might be dying, I dialed 999 for an ambulance. This was the first time and devastatingly not the last time that this would happen in my life. After this incident I became a full hypochondriac and spent two years doing everything in my power to avoid the heart attack that I “knew” was going to get me. I spent every night convinced that I was going to die in my sleep, texting my childhood sweetheart “in case anything happens to me, I love you”. Perhaps you could call it paranoia but I was completely and utterly terrified. I began researching foods effects on your body, what is good for you, what is bad for you until I was genuinely scared to eat the majority of foods unless I hadn’t found a bad word to say about them. Full disclosure, this is still a habit that I have but I am trying to allow myself to eat foods that I find challenging. I couldn’t eat bananas for years because I was scared that the high potassium levels in them would cause me some form of heart failure. This fear ruled my whole life. Then when I was 17 my anxiety was pretty much at bay for a good 8 months. I had a job working in a zoo, I was newly single and having a bit of a fling with a co-worker, I was living independently and had a group of new friends to hang out with. Things were going really well! I quit smoking, became super fit and even though other areas in my life weren’t going completely swimmingly (my relationship with my mother was about to end), I was really happy with my life. Of course, life isn’t great forever. As it was a seasonal job, I had to move on from the zoo and find another job which to my dismay was incredibly difficult. It wasn’t hard actually finding a job per say, but finding a job where the boss wasn’t bullying me/forcing himself on me/threatening to fire me if I didn’t go on a weekend away with him was actually a tricky feat. It truly got to the point where I didn’t know if I would find a job that I felt safe in, and in a desperate attempt to cling onto happiness I restricted my calorie intake to 800 calories a day (while still going to the gym) because if I looked “perfect” things might go back to being how they were. Obviously it doesn’t work that way and I just started having panic attacks again. Then came a job working in a supermarket. It was finally a place where I actually felt safe, the boss wasn’t trying to use his power over me to gain sexual favours and the overtime meant that I was becoming a lot more financially stable. Once again, the panic attacks subsided and I began to enjoy myself. The calorie restriction was still there but it was slowly improving, and I could focus on other areas of my life. I met a guy on a dating app and decided to jump on a train to go and have a date with him.  The date wasn’t the best - a girl doesn’t really want to be taken to McDonalds for a first date when you’re about to turn 18 - and I really didn’t find him attractive. I decided that I was just being picky and to look at the other traits of him: he had a nice family, he was studying to be a counsellor which meant he was empathetic, he had a big group of friends and he seemed to have good humour. The problem was, this guy was flaky. I now recognise that so many emotions inside of me at the time were screaming at me to walk away from this man but I blamed my previous anxiety for not allowing me to date this “nice” guy. I gave him an ultimatum and sadly, he accepted and we became an item.

I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to leave my past behind and move to a different city, and what better place to do it than where my new boyfriend lives? After securing a place at university there, I packed my bags and found some student accommodation where I would be staying with 5 European students. I quickly learned that I never wanted to live with students again. Our accommodation quickly became a party apartment, with some really questionable guests, and my journey to the kitchen in the mornings to get breakfast before my shift would be met with me pushing lines of cocaine away from my cereal bowl. While my home life wasn’t working out very well, my relationship wasn’t either. He was really the only person I knew in the city and I was not getting along with my roommates, so I clung to him for everything. The only thing is, he was starting to change. He didn’t want me to meet his friends or family. For a long time. I started to get really sick of this as he would constantly blow me off to hang out with them and I interrogated him on why he was embarrassed of me. He would brush me off mostly but eventually he let me go out to a club with him for one of his school friends birthday parties. I took extra measures that night to ensure I had really made myself look glamorous and “not embarrassing”, and tried so hard to make a good first impression with his friends. At one point, however, we were all standing up in this little booth area when one of his friends, completely accidentally and through no fault of his own, elbowed me in my nose. I fell onto the booth chair behind me and winced in pain as this guy apologised to me. Of course I told him that it’s okay, these things happen! It didn’t matter though. This didn’t please my boyfriend. He yelled at me, asking me why I had to be such a big embarrassment to him. Why did I have to cause a scene? I should have left right then but now that I lived there and had no-one else to go to. I was trapped. I continued on and tried to avoid all of the bad things about my life there. Surely this was just a rough patch as I settled into my new life. So I carried on working away in the supermarket, however I decided to quit university because it just wasn’t what I was interested in. I still had until the end of the school year to stay in my accommodation however, so I continued living there and working, walking to work and back each day and pinning all of my social needs on the hope that my boyfriend would want to hang out soon. 

It really was just another day when it happened. I woke up at the same time, put on the same uniform, ate the same breakfast and took the same route to work. My commute to work took around 15 minutes, simply walking over a bridge over a river that ran straight through the city. It was when I got halfway across this bridge that I experienced a new panic symptom: I froze. My body wouldn’t move. The panic that set in was immense and my heart started pounding in my chest while my body turned to jelly. I frantically looked around me and glanced at my phone, wondering if there was anybody that I could call to get me out of this. Of course, there wasn’t. My head started drowning in thoughts and decisions that I had to make - should I still go to work? Is there something wrong with me? What would happen if I didn’t go? Who do I go to for help? 

I made it to work in the end. I was exhausted and baffled, but I made it in. I spent the whole day wondering what on earth had happened and Googling what a fear of bridges is called. I believed that I must have randomly developed a fear of bridges and tried to rack my brain for a childhood time that I had had a bad experience though obviously none came to mind. This was the beginning of my journey with agoraphobia and only just scratches the surface of my story. I will write about the following events and the impact of domestic abuse in my next post as we continue down the path of living with this anxiety disorder.