#bad no good awful terrible Russian translation

[spookyscaryfox]

Prologue

THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EMPEROR’S MURDER

Atrocities commited by the Russian translation of Harrow the Ninth.

Ирина Александровна Нечаева fear for your fucking life.

1. “Ten minutes until breach. We’ve got half an hour of air-con left … after that, you’ll be working in the oven. Doors down until the pressure equalizes. Conserve your temp, everyone. Harrow, I’m leaving yours closed as long as possible.” You staggered to your feet, limpid skirts gathered in both hands, and picked your way over to the comm button. Scanning for something damning and intellectual to say, you snapped:

– Десять минут до прорыва. Кондиционеры проработают еще полчаса, после этого начнется пекло. Двери останутся опущены до момента нормализации давления. Всем держать темп. Харроу, ты остаешься в резерве до самого конца. Ты поднялась на ноги, тиская свои полупрозрачные юбки в обеих руках. Кое-как добралась до кнопки коммуникатора. Пытаясь придумать что-нибудь убийственно остроумное, проскрипела:

Conserve your temp with the mention of air-con and oven, would and should probably mean the temperature. John is telling his lyctors to regulate their bodies into not freezing, not to keep up the pace! He's also talking about keeping Harrow's door closed against Heralds, not leaving her in the reserves! Harrow is standing up, gathering her skirts to make it easier to walk, she is not squishing/fondling them out of nerves! And she's snapping, meaning saing something angrily, not creaking!

2. “I am a Lyctor, Lord,” you heard yourself say. “I am your saint. I am your fingers and gestures. If you wanted a Hand who needed a door to hide behind—even now—then I have misjudged you.”

– Я ликтор, мой господин, – услышала ты свой собственный голос. – Я одна из твоих святых. Я твои персты и твои жесты. Если тебе нужна рука, которая прячется за дверью – даже сейчас, – выходит, я неверно тебя поняла.

misjudge - means "form a wrong opinion or conclusion about" or "make an incorrect estimation or assessment of."

In Russian Harow is saying "I misunderstood you" if translating through web-translators, but the thing is, more correct way to translate, even if a bit chunky "I did not understand you fully/correctly/I understood you wrongly."

3. The basket hilt of the rapier nudged into your hip, like an animal that wanted feeding, and in a sudden fit of temper you considered unbuckling the damn thing and hurling it as hard as you possibly could to the other side of the room; only you worried how pitifully short it would fall.

Ты села, скрестив ноги, и беспомощно положила руки на колени. Эфес рапиры ткнулся в бедро, как животное в поисках ласки, и во внезапном порыве гнева тебе захотелось отцепить чертову штуку и зашвырнуть как можно дальше. Жалко только, пролетела бы она совсем недалеко.

An animal that wants food and an animal that wants pets is two different things.

4. The doors to your quarters slid open with an antique exhalation of gas levers. But the intruder did not set off the traps of teeth you’d embedded in its frame, nor the gobbets of regenerating bone you had gummed onto the threshold. She stepped over the threshold with her cobwebby skirts rucked high on her thighs, teetering like a dancer. In the darkness her rapier was black, and the bones of her right arm gleamed an oily gold. You closed your eyes to her.

Двери твоих покоев открылись с натужным выдохом газовых рычагов. Но незваная гостья не заметила ни зубов, которые ты вставила в дверную раму, ни регенерирующей кости, вмазанной в порог. Она переступила этот порог, пританцовывая, высоко приподняв свои полупрозрачные юбки. В темноте ее рапира казалась черной, а кости правой руки светились маслянистым золотым блеском. Ты закрыла глаза, чтобы ее не видеть.

Ianthe waltzed in, because she did not trigger the traps, not because she didn't notice them, for fuck's sake. She's teetering meaning balancing, like a dancer, but she's not actually dancing in the room. Cobwebby skirts is most likely used to 1) say she's covered in something cobweb-like; 2) equate the skirts she wears to thin strands of the cobweb. It does not equal semi-transludent.

5. “I could protect you, if you’d only ask me to,” said Ianthe the First.

– Я могу защитить тебя, если ты попроси��ь, – сказала Ианта из Первого дома.

You speak Russian fluently. You most likely have some degree in translation or linguistics. Why the fuck are you using the wrong tense and conditionals. I can protect you, if you ask (for it) is not the same thing as in the original.

6. The other Lyctor approached.

Девушка-ликтор приблизилась.

I will find that woman and steal her damn kneecaps. Woman/girl lyctor is unnecessary remark considering lyctor is not even gendered, but suuuure lets stick another reminder that we're talking to a woman. Like we could fucking forget.

7. "The past is dead, and they’re both dead, but you and I are alive."

“What are they? What are they, other than one more corpse we’re dragging behind us?

- Прошлое мертво, они обе мертвы, но мы-то с тобой живы.

– А что они такое? Еще один труп, который мы за собой тащим?

Wrong vibes. They're both dead is not gendered in English but it is in Russian. Translation is implying that the ones dead are Ianthe and Harrow, due to them both being women. The original is leaving us two interpretations: both dead as the previous pre-lyctorhood Harrow and Ianthe, or both dead as Nav and Tern being dead.

And directly translating Harrow's "“What are they?" is wrong tonally. It's a rhetorical question that doesn't translate well with the same sentence structure.

8. This was, as you understood it dimly, the psychological moment.

Ты поняла, что это самый лучший момент.

Why. How the fuck did you get the best moment from psychological moment?

9. The Heralds came plopping down onto the hull like rain. Ianthe’s face froze back into its white and mocking mask, and she dropped your jaw—untangled her restless fingers and her awful gold-shod bones.

“I didn’t think this was the time for dirty talk, but I can roll with it,” she said. “Choke me, Daddy.”

Вестники продолжали биться о корпус, как дождевые капли. Лицо Ианты снова обратилось ледяной насмешливой маской, она отпустила твое лицо, убрала нервные пальцы и спрятала жуткие золотые кости.

– Не думала, что сейчас время для непристойностей, но поддержу. Придуши меня, детка.

White does not equal icy. Ianthe's arm is awful in a sense that Harrow detests how it looks, not in a sense that it creeps her out. And, I cannot believe I have to point this out, daddy does not equal baby.

10. “You always did think obstinacy the cardinal virtue,” she remarked, quite apropos of nothing. “I think now, perhaps, you should have died back at Canaan House.”

– Ты почему-то считаешь настойчивость добродетелью, – заметила она ни с того ни с сего. – Мне кажется, тебе лучше было умереть в доме Ханаанском.

Ianthe's speaking of the past time, translation is implying that Harrow thinks that right now.

11. Ianthe turned away without violence.

Ианта злобно отвернулась.

I hate this. Ianthe did not angrily turn away.

12. The station must have been completely smothered: wrapped in a squirming shroud of thorax and wing, mandible and antenna, the dead couriers of a hungry stellar revenant.

Станция, должно быть, уже совсем сварилась под копошащимся щитом надкрылий, жвал и антенн, мертвых предвестников голодного звездного мстителя.

Where the fuck did you get avenger from the revenant??? Did you read the fucking book?

13. There was silence in the lovely passageways of the Mithraeum, and there was a hot and sweating silence in your soul.

В зачарованных коридорах Митреума стояла тишина, и жаркая влажная тишина поселилась и в твоей душе.

Even if Harrow or Gideon is being sarcastic, lovely does not translate directly into enchanted unless you're braindead.

14. You thought about the flimsy envelope addressed to you that read, To open in case of your imminent death.

Ты вспомнила о залапанном конверте, адресованном тебе.

«Откр��ть в случае твоей неминуемой смерти».

This is a fucking fabrication out of nowhere. Flimsy means the material, and even if it didn't, it wouldn't equal fucking hand-stained/hand-worn.

15. “I pray the tomb is shut forever,” you heard yourself saying aloud, and you could not bring your voice above a choked whisper. “I pray the rock is never rolled away. I pray that which was buried remains buried, insensate, in perpetual rest with closed eye and stilled brain. I pray it lives...O corse of the Locked Tomb,” you extemporised wildly. “Beloved dead, hear your handmaiden. I loved you with my whole rotten, contemptible heart—I loved you to the exclusion of aught else—let me live long enough to die at your feet.”

Then you went under to make war on Hell.

– Молю, чтобы гробница оставалась замкнутой, – услышала ты свой придушенный шепот, который никак не становился громче. – Молю, чтобы камень никогда не откатили от входа, чтобы однажды погребенное вечно покоилось с миром, закрыв глаза и упокоив свою душу. Молю, чтобы оно жило… Тело из Запертой гробницы, – вдруг сорвалась ты. – Возлюбленная покойница, услышь свою рабыню. Я любила тебя всем своим жалким смертным сердцем, я любила тебя больше всего остального, позволь мне прожить достаточно долго, чтобы умереть у твоих ног.

Потом ты отправилась вниз, чтобы сотворить ад.

What stopped you from actually using fucking closed instead of insular? I don't know why the fuck are you changing the text from saying stilled brain to calm soul. Handmaiden could have been directly translated, slave has completely different connotations. I understand the confusion the phrase verbs often cause because this is something I struggle with myself, but I am not a professional translator, you are, why the fuck are you translating went under as went down when it's two completely different things. There is also a difference between making war on hell and creating hell.

[httpskuzuu]

Softer

hola :D fyodor is alive - fyodor esta vivo I was thinking about making a masterlist or something like that, I don't know if when I upload this I will have it published or how I will do it

anyway, I really liked this and enjoyed writing it, it's longer than I usually post but Idk, by the way, I hated translating this, it was a pain in the ass, but that's what I get for joining a mostly English community ññññññññññññ-- well, this is mostly inspired by Sinner by TheBloodySadist, you can find it in Ao3 if you want to read it, I had an obsession with it a few months xd

jaja this has gone on too long, well, adiós adiós :p

Yandere!Fyodor x Reader

English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes

sumary: You tried to escape and now you have to take the consequences, but you make something change in Fyodor... (juju, mistery >:p) Pt.2

tw: yandere behavior, kidnapping, failed escape attempt, explicit punishment, explicit violence, blood, broken bones, humiliation¿, manipulation, brainwashing, stockholm syndrome, reader needs therapy, stabbing, nudity, sedative, Fyodor is a fucking tw

You tremble under the weight of the boot on your ribs, you swear that at some point you hear them cracking along with an agonizing pain throughout your body.

The pressure on your body makes it impossible for you to breathe properly, which is a serious problem considering you are hyperventilating. Every breath burns your exhausted lungs and aggravates the pain.

You'd ask Fyodor to kill you already if it weren't for the fact that your throat is in a terrible condition from so much screaming and pleading.

"Well, I see I can't trust you, can I?" Despite the situation, Fyodor's tone provokes you inner anger, sounding so sarcastic. Something deep inside you tells you it's not sarcasm, it's concern, but you can't believe it, especially not coming from Fyodor.

You imagine that, if you had the strength at this moment, you would kill him with your own hands. You know well you wouldn't be able to, but it's pleasant to think about it.

"I do everything for you, and still you try to escape." He puts more pressure against your ribs and you've never felt as much pain as you do now. "You spoiled brat." He growls and his Russian accent becomes much thicker.

He removes his foot from your body and you can breathe. Relief courses through your veins and, out of pure instinct, you thank him for that act of kindness. He could have stretched it out longer, put more pressure on you and broken your ribs more, but he was merciful and gave you a break…. A break, you know that your punishment is not yet over.

You don't know yourself and your thoughts. One thing you have to hand it to Fyodor is that his training is really effective, but you're tougher than that, or at least you like to think so. Realistically, right now, you just want to curl up against him.

A kick in the side snaps you out of your thoughts, you moan and cry from the pain, your throat burning with fire. You never want to utter a sound again in your life after this.

"Aw, you poor thing… Does it hurt? Now you know how I feel every time you leave me." He's lying, you know that, but that doesn't take away the guilt that settles in your head free-form.

You shouldn't have run away, Fyodor isn't even that bad if you behaved: no gratuitous physical harm and he takes better care of you than you could ask of a kidnapper. You were an idiot, you deserved all this for not appreciating your life with Fyodor properly. God… Why did you try to escape in the first place? The Russian would always would catch you, you were just causing trouble.

Ignoring your destroyed throat, you decide to speak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't try to escape again. Please give me another chance, I'll be good…"

Fyodor kneels down next to your agonized body. He puts his hand against your tear-stained cheek, at first you flinch, thinking he was going to hurt you more, but then you lean almost automatically against his cold hand.

You cry harder as you feel Fyodor's gentle touch, you don't quite understand what's wrong with you, you just know that you want to melt against his hand. You close your eyes and tremble. You want a hug from him, you know you shouldn't want that, that it's disgusting, he kidnapped you and hurt you, but at a time like this, when you've been disobedient, he's still showing you affection….

"Shh, it's okay, милый." He catches the falling tears with his thumb. "I know you're sorry, but your punishment isn't over yet." You automatically tense up and slowly open your eyes to look at the man in front of you, there is a smirk of superiority painted on his face, observing your pathetic appearance.

You don't dare open your mouth to complain because deep down you know very well that you deserve it, you deserve the pain for being so bratty and causing inconvenience to Fyodor. You accept what lies ahead of you and let Fyodor pull his hand away from you.

With his grip firmly on your hip, he guides you to turn around. You keep the cheek that was previously receiving the loving touch against the ground a thousand times colder than Fyodor.

You concentrate exclusively on the Russian's hands, it's just an idiotic attempt to ignore the pain all over your body. He pulls up your shirt, leaving your back bare against the cold, why is everything so cold all of a sudden? Fyodor is too, in a way he brings you peace of mind, it's like he's everywhere, even in the air…. What the hell are you thinking? You firmly believe you're delusional at this point, these are not your real thoughts, it's clear to you, he put all these idiotic ideas in your head and now you can't get them out. It's agonizing in a certain way.

The only thing you hear is your irregular breathing, if it wasn't for Fyodor's hand clamped on your hip, you would think you were alone right now, and you don't know if you would like that more or less.

Something sharpening presses against your upper back. Everything breaks down in a moment as Fyodor makes a straight cut across your entire back. It hurts horrendously, especially as the blood starts to spurt out. You start to feel dizzy and for a few moments you convince yourself you're going to pass out, but no, your body is still holding on, focused solely on Fyodor's hand.

"Breathe, моя любовь. It's just a cut." You repeat Fyodor's last sentence in your head like a mantra: it's just a cut, it's just a cut. He could have done it much worse to you, you were fine, just a cut.

You take comfort in closing your eyes hard and imagining that you are once again a child at the doctor's office, that you are simply having blood drawn for a blood test because you have not been feeling very well lately. You make a fist with your hand and clench it, digging your fingernails deep into your palm, it's as if you are clutching the hand of one of your parents for comfort. There is no more pain, it's okay, it's all right-

Another cut, this time horizontal, creates a cross on your back. You don't care, you're at the hospital, and you're safe, nothing will happen to you. It's just a cut.

Fyodor stabs the weapon into your side. You open your eyes wide as a torn scream comes out of your mouth.

Fuck it all, do you really deserve this? Have you been so horrible? You assume that Fyodor simply hates you, that he wants to torture you.

Fyodor pulls the weapon out of your body, you look out of the corner of your eye and the wound doesn't seem to be that bad, you thought it was deeper because of the pain, but no, it was something apparently superficial. You didn't want to know how much it would hurt if he had really stabbed you deeper.

Fyodor's voice right next to your ear startles you. "Sorry, was that too much? Did I hurt my little one too much?" That mocking tone again, but you hear a hint of love and concern, or so you assume. No, it's impossible for Fyodor to hate you, if he hated you there wasn't that hint of love, was there? If he hated you, he wouldn't say to you like that: my little one, his little one.

"I can't take it anymore! Please, Fyodor!" He leaves a chaste kiss on the back of your neck, and you cry disconsolately, you don't know why, but you do know it's not because of the pain, the pain doesn't matter anymore.

"You can." Fyodor's voice is the ultimate authority right now, and if he says you can take it, it's because you can. "You don't want to disappoint me, do you?"

After those words you instantly panic, you desperately shake your head, of course you don't want to disappoint him! You have to accept your punishment, it was your fault in the first place.

"Brace yourself, dear." Fyodor leaves a trail of kisses from the nape of your neck all the way down your back, above the vertical cut. You assume he's filled his lips with blood and hate yourself at the thought of how attractive he'd look like that.

A new cut interrupts your hatred. You scream, but nothing more, you can take it, for Fyodor….

It's just one cut.

You don't know how many cuts there are next, you are not able to count them. You don't feel your throat anymore, but miraculously it still works, your screams are still coming out of it, you are relieved because you still want to keep your voice to talk to Fyodor, to ask him to hold you.

Fyodor removes your shirt completely and lays it aside on the floor. He holds you firmly and helps you sit up, any movement is hell for your ribs, but you endure it by concentrating on your kidnapper, on his loving but steadfast touch.

You look at him dizzy, teary-eyed and shattered. He is smiling, you have not disappointed him. Your head hurts as you cry disconsolately against his chest again.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying now? Your punishment is over, I won't hurt you anymore."

"You…" You're unable to speak, it's too much at once, the pain and your thoughts coming together in a ball of discomfort. You shake your head and hug him tightly.

"Are you afraid?" You weakly shake your head. It's true that Fyodor scares you, especially on these occasions when he punishes you, but you're not crying about it now.

Funny, you don't know why you're crying, but you do know what you're not crying about.

Fyodor is silent, thinking about why you're crying. "Is it about the pain?" You deny again.

Fyodor hums thoughtfully. "If you don't tell me what it is, I can't help you." You ponder on that: does he want to help you? Is he serious?

You make the feeble attempt to gather your thoughts and speak. "It's just- I don't know" Your voice comes out shakier than you wish it would. "When you touch me… It feels so good, I don't deserve it, I don't-"

"Oh, I see… Aren't you crying because of something bad? Is it because it feels good?" You nod quickly, yes, that's as close as you feel. You're happy when it touches you, when it's good to you. Were you crying out of happiness? Well, you guess so, although it feels more depressing.

"It's okay, relax." He leaves a kiss in front, and it breaks you inside. "You've taken the punishment very well, come on, you deserve to be taken care of."

The process of getting up from the floor is horrible, not only because of the pain all over your body and your numb legs, but because your mind doesn't stop spinning around Fyodor's last sentence. It feels horrible and so good at the same time that your mind is only around one specific person.

He helps you up and you let him lean your useless body against his. He guides you through the house, being patient with your slow pace. He's mostly silent, except when he tells you how well you're doing or that not long to go. Since when did Fyodor know how to talk so pleasantly?

You reach the bathroom, he sits you on the toilet and turns on the bathtub faucet. While it is filling, Fyodor takes some pills out of a drawer that you have always found locked. You don't know what the pills are or what they're for, but he hands you one and you take it without question.

You let your head fall against Fyodor's stomach, even though he is standing upright he doesn't move an inch and lets you be comfortable, he strokes your hair and you sigh lovingly. You don't deserve it, but you need more of this Fyodor, the soft Fyodor who takes care of you and makes you feel good, what did you have to do in the future to keep it in this shape? If you need to be damaged for that, well, you are willing to do it.

"The tub is full." He warns and moves a little away from you, causing you to raise your head. You miss a little that he's touching you, even though he's only been separated of you for three seconds. He holds you under your armpits and helps you up. "I need you to stand up on your own, can you, дорогой?"

You try not to focus so much on Fyodor asking you if you could do it instead of just sending you the order, and focus on standing on your own.

The Russian undresses you completely, his hands are soft, and you feel them all over your body. They are so cold, and you are so cold too now that you are naked. You are vulnerable, now more than ever, and Fyodor's fixed gaze on you disturbs you. You are simply an easy prey to hunt, his prey.

He doesn't look like a hunter now, as much as his gaze is like knives stabbing through every spot he focuses on, you think he's not doing it on purpose. Fyodor doesn't know how to be nice, he never has. He knows how to be neutral: he can keep you alive and give you necessities, but he can't kiss you and keep you warm.

But there's something wrong with all this, he's being warm because since when are his hands so soft against your battered body? You need him, you need him so much it hurts, is this his way of being nice? Okay, fine, you accept it without complaint.

When he puts you in the tub you want to die, the cuts on your back burn at the contact of the water. You don't dare say a word at that or ask Fyodor to pull you out, you're afraid you'll upset him, that he'll get tired of you being so weak and whiny and stop being gentle. Fyodor could have left you lying on the cold floor, bleeding, but he didn't. You can't be an unbearable child to him.

The Russian starts washing your body, putting special emphasis on your cuts and the wound on your side. You look at his serious face with need, why were you only now realizing how handsome he was? Mmmh, you must have been blind before. He notices obviously your shy look on his lips and he smiles, that smile indicating that he was superior to you and despite that, he was still keeping you alive and forgiving of everything you did.

He approaches you and gives you the only thing you needed to be satisfied for today: a kiss. It reminds you of all the good things, strangely enough in those memories Fyodor also appears and disturbs you minimally.

You question yourself that, maybe, Fyodor does know how to be gentle.

This is the proof you need to know that now this was a new version, right? He kissed you. You feel a warmth spreading throughout your body, now it is warm, and his hands are warm too. There is a big change in temperature and it feels like heaven.

After that, Fyodor continued to wash you with special care, ignoring how your face might explode from how red it was.

The only thing that could crush the heat was tiredness, you almost fell asleep a couple of times, but you didn't want to fall asleep because it would be like wasting time with this soft Fyodor, what if tomorrow he returned to his serious and impassive face? You can't waste this time or you would regret it.

"Go to sleep, take it easy. I'll take you to bed when I'm finished." You looked at him as the most merciful being in the world. He cared about you…

You hold back your sobs for these acts of kindness, you don't want to cry anymore, not only to avoid possible discomfort in Fyodor, but for yourself, the headache is unbearable.

You let yourself fall asleep, with your head supported on your knees and Fyodor's soothing touch.

You had a nightmare which you don't remember, or don't want to remember. You wake up with your body held in Fyodor's arms, warm and gentle.

Since when did everything become so homey? Homey? Would that be the right word? Describing any situation involving Fyodor with that word doesn't feel natural to you.

You find it hard to feel your body, and your thoughts don't flow as quickly and aggressively as they used to. It's like being enveloped in a cloud, full of comfort and calmness.

You just feel something on your side, at the site of the shallow stab wound. You think maybe it's some bandage, but your limbs are asleep and too comfortable against Fyodor to move them to check. Otherwise, you feel nothing, only someone else's hand on your lower belly, it's extremely intimate in your perspective.

You turn your sleepy head and glance sideways at Fyodor. He seems calm, looking at you, his face is emotionless again and it scares you. You come to convince yourself that he is still the soft Fyodor, if he wasn't his hand wouldn't be on you, he still hasn't changed, you repeat that to yourself until you believe it.

"… Fyodor, do you know what?" Your voice comes out weak and hoarse, you wonder how soon your throat will heal. You're thankful you can't feel it well, so there's no pain anymore.

"Mmmh?"

"I think I love you."

"Do you?" There is a change, minuscule, but a change.

You nod and look away from his face, you can't stand it, no. There has been a change, you don't know in what. There's been a change, a change! Is it good or bad? You want to think it's a nice thing.

"You're different."

"I am? In what way?"

"You're softer, something nice."

"You're drugged, you don't talk sense."

"But you're different! Seriously, you never take care of me."

Silence rules the room and it hurts. Why did you talk? What idiocy, it's your fault everything that happens now, all your fault.

"You cried with happiness when I helped you sit up." Your gaze returns to the other.

"I know, so what? You want me to cry again?" There are no bad intentions behind your comment, there really aren't. You feel your brain empty, and you can't quite interpret the situation, what is Fyodor trying to tell you? Is he angry? Is he going to punish you again? It's exhausting to use your brain in this state, so you just give up and go with the flow.

"No, I don't want that." The silence stretches a little longer and, for just a few seconds, Fyodor looks away. He looks away. "I just… I thought maybe you'd be happier if I treated you good."

"Ah…" He wanted you to be happy? Really?

"I know I hurt you, but you know I only do it when you deserve it, don't you?" You nod and the cuts on your back burn for a few seconds. "Good. I really want you to be happy, with me."

You feel like at any moment the old Fyodor will appear through the door and say something like it was all a test, and then punish you for failing it. It's a horrible feeling, but you come to believe that it will seriously pass.

"So… Are you still going to be soft?"

"Yes, only if you are obedient in return."

Yes, yes, yes. He's going to keep being gentle. For some reason your chest hurts, and you sob, Fyodor has a few drops of surprise in his expression. You hide from his gaze and just focus on the yes, it's like releasing a horrible burden out of your body. You weren't afraid he was lying, something told you he wasn't, his expression maybe, or his voice, or….

"Are you crying with happiness now too?"

"I like the soft Fyodor…"

"Mmmh, that's good, isn't it?" He pulls you a little closer to his face and leaves a soft kiss on your forehead. You'd like to kiss him in return, but you can't move. "I'll keep being soft then."

I swear all I could think about while writing this was to to send it all to hell and make these two fuck

maybe I will make a second part

[jeffgoldblumsmulletinthe90s]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @catknives

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

83... aw it looks like a face!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

857,649!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Currently, Stranger Things. Previously: The Magnus Archives, IT: Chapter 2, The Umbrella Academy, Fantastic Beasts, Star Wars, EDM RPF, Marvel Comics, and Trigun.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

from most to fifth most: If you ever need a helping hand, In a City, Reconstructed, There's nothing wrong with me (loving you), Holding hands in space, Just send for me (oh baby!)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not always succeed.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmmmm... My Kylo character study? I mean it is called This pain will not make you stronger lol

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think it's Have Your Heart In My Mouth because they're like in love and getting mated/married!!!!! It's just goofy fun. But I write a lot of happy endings, I swear.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Yeah lol and I love it come fight me in the comments I WILL engage

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yeah pretty much the majority of my fics are rated E

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Sorry, I do not!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeesh, I have. Mostly people reposting stuff, especially RPF stuff.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, I have!! In a City, Reconstructed is translated into Russian.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I am trying to figure out how to do that so I can post the skull rock free use thread I made with @grandmastattoo. But I will be honest I do not know how to do it.

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I........ I don't know... this is too hard a choice

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

If you think you're getting more of the fantabi stripper au I have terrible news: I know how it goes and I'm never going to finish it.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I am very funny :) and I write good dialogue

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

On god, I should have an editor. I think I'm a better self-editor than I am. But no one can stop me except me and I am so bad at that.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Actually one time I wrote a fic (NOT ON AO3) with Marty that's partly in French and it rules. I love multilingualism.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Harry Potter (Sirius/Remus)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I think it's In a City, Reconstructed or With Teeth. But maybe someday it'll be Helping hand.

I need to tag people but uhhhhhhhhhhh UHHHHHHHHHHHH idek please do this and tag me if you want

[gaykarstaagforever]

I started watching Pinocchio: A True Story, yes the one where Pauly Shore and Jon Heder are inexplicably there and terrible.

The animation is good, honestly, and the rest of the voice cast is fine, for what this is, which is a low-tier English dubbing of a foreign language animation. The translation is pretty awkward, but that happens a lot, and I'm hardly in a position to gripe about a Russian-to-English cartoon translation not being poetic enough. Outside of Shore and Heder, the movie isn't even bad, just an utterly mediocre exactly-what-it-is.

The "bad" is Shore and Heder. And while they are not hilariously awful the entire movie, they deliver enough lines badly that it is funny enough. I stopped watching it because I was too distracted thinking about how the hell this happened. The other actors are meh. But these two are garbage. And both are industry professionals of some stripe, so how can their reads be so terrible? It is almost like they are doing it on purpose, except it is too good at being the kind of bad it is for it to be intentional.

All I can think is, those two specifically were directed by an inexperienced voice acting director, or by someone who just wasn't one at all, or they literally had these two record these lines alone somewhere because they were too "big" to be with the rest of the cast, out of context of the full script. At any rate, the American director had to use whatever bad takes there were and here we are.

I don't know. I'm not researching it, and I'm not finishing it. It isn't funny-bad enough for me to care. I'll watch a YouTube video later explaining what happened, which will no doubt be more entertaining.

It is free on Tubi, so you got nothing to lose but time.

I'd suggest instead watching the 1993 Pauly Shore movie Son In Law, which is also free, places. I just did the other weekend. It is a long sitcom and very 90s, but way better than it has any right to be. And Pauly Shore is legitimately funny and charming in it; you'll see why he was such a big deal for like 6 minutes in the mid-90s.

I don't know. I always liked his gregarious stoner philosopher shtick. But I grew up in the 90s so keep that in mind.

[just-some-random-blogger]

omg oh you got my first part?? im shocked, never seen it. so its ANOTHER part 2!! what about it? yeye this gif is so perfectly looped TT i hope the kitten is more taken aback by the unknown smell rather than the awful, absolutely terrible pain this ball gives him. but hes so cute TT 'its weird someone else has my name' ekaterina I, ekaterina II and me: *_*, *_*, *_* well.. hm.. sorry for stealing your names babygirls... yk, im proud. like hannah montana is hannah, you should be proud too! omg there IS a cat called PRINCE and you can TALK to him!!!!! omg im crying TT HES SO PRETTY TT omg you can CHALLENGE him TT he may scratch me to death 'shes not a minimum viable product' lol it was the first thing ive seen when i searched for the meaning of mvp. i dont understand your gamer slang >:( ok yes i learnt what mvp really meant but i needed to mention this mvp too. 'i aint ever reading that its too long' LOL i've read 'war and peace' and 'And Quiet Flows the Don' (tha fact they translated it like this... smart but so unfamiliar...) which is probably 3000 of pages in total... and oh.. 'The Master and Margarita' also represents hell in a way and ive read it so.. you cant mock me like this catmom TT im sorry i talk about russian literature so much but i dont really read smth else... well beside the all tumblr shit... 'i hope you only mean in the show' you never know..... 'less anxious about sending asks!!😤' YES GIRL!! i love this mood!! youre gonna do it and do it in the best way bc youre the best!! i believe in you!! no one can stand against your hot person presence!! go and talk to them! 'my body is like is this a threat CLOG THE NOSTRILS' ghdjs its kinda funny how you talk about your body as a castle which was attacked TT its kina true but still hilarious. hope you breath well lol. 'to be fair i have an electric fan open and when its night it gets colder' and i've got an opened window... youre really lucky i cant slap people. how was the movie? and what movie TT 'YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN SWEET IM LUV U SO MUCH' yk what? i take after my catmom. meomeow!! love you too<з SO listen the daemon idea..... 'BUT THIS SCENE WAS SO INTENSE' YES its also so true!! i love how alicent is the loving (lol to aemond) mother and a fair (LOL in her own way) woman, a majestic queen (lol sorry i want to say shes great but...). she said there was not enough information about alicent in the books so they kinda created some of her character and background? i think thats why alicent is so great in hotd. actresses really feel her. and emily!! i was amazed by her acting in the scene where she was like 'supporting' king in his chambers? her voice was really trembling and she looked so lost. wow. omg i havent seen tom and ewan in youtube so i absolutely forgot about them TT rip TT i like tom too. from what ive seen in tumblr and his insta i (as a judgemental person lol) think hes sweet. and im sorry but TT i used to (actually i still do) find it funny how ewan purses his lips TT IDK WHY but it makes me laugh so bad TT he seems quiet to me. 'WHICH WAS SHOCKING' lol hes got a puppy face... no his acting is good but... my judgements... theyre rarely mistaken yk.... you can love emma and can love olivia separately but their duet?? divine! theyre so ?? a match?? i even thought they may be a couple for a moment. so hope you've got a good day! and a good week!! love you! take care<З

ok i gave up on my homework and passed it /alsfhlasfhasf HAHAHAHHA

i hope i didnt do so badly HAHAHHA

anyway let me start by talking about that movie i had to watch for one of my classes. it was boring but then i made it halfway through the film and i was like wait its not that boring and part of me wanted to watch it but i decided not to continue cos i got all my answers HHAHHAHAHH

it was this movie, october sky, its about a kid who wants to make rocket ships and its based on a true story so HAHAHAHA i kinda might go back to it but i prolly wont AHAHHAHAHAHAHAH

omg oh you got my first part?? im shocked, never seen it. so its ANOTHER part 2!! what about it?

T_T this was so dry i was like ??? wait did MY reply not send ? HAHHAHH /:

yeye this gif is so perfectly looped TT i hope the kitten is more taken aback by the unknown smell rather than the awful, absolutely terrible pain this ball gives him. but hes so cute TT

HAHHAHAAH its probably more of the contact the kitty had with the ball spring thing thing

'its weird someone else has my name' ekaterina I, ekaterina II and me: *_*, *_*, *_* well.. hm.. sorry for stealing your names babygirls... yk, im proud.

HAHHAHAHAH im more like PLS its YOU who stole MY name even though *I* stole Hannah's name in the bible because she's who i was named after lol HAHAHAHAH

like hannah montana is hannah, you should be proud too!

i was!!! i was like OMG IM FAMOUS HAHAHHHAHAHAHH i love hannah montana

i have no idea what his episode it but AWW THATS OS CUTE I LOVE IT WHEN GIRLS GIVE BOYS FLOWERS T_T

omg there IS a cat called PRINCE and you can TALK to him!!!!! omg im crying TT HES SO PRETTY TT omg you can CHALLENGE him TT he may scratch me to death

YES YOU CAN CHALLENGE HIM but its like??? this card game HAHHAHAAH its like a game within the game and the cat is a player in the card game

'shes not a minimum viable product' lol it was the first thing ive seen when i searched for the meaning of mvp. i dont understand your gamer slang >:( ok yes i learnt what mvp really meant but i needed to mention this mvp too.

IM SO SORRY I DIDNT MEANT TO CONFUSE YOU mvp isnt gamer slang actually it originated from sports specifically basketball i think and it trickled to mainstream media. MVP means most valuable player! T_T i thought you gathered i meant she was a minimum viable product from what i was telling you. i forgot i even said mvp T_T im so sorry my love

'i aint ever reading that its too long' LOL i've read 'war and peace' and 'And Quiet Flows the Don' (tha fact they translated it like this... smart but so unfamiliar...) which is probably 3000 of pages in total... and oh.. 'The Master and Margarita' also represents hell in a way and ive read it so.. you cant mock me like this catmom TT im sorry i talk about russian literature so much but i dont really read smth else... well beside the all tumblr shit...

its fine you can talk about russian literature all you want! idk i find it scary to read like 'classical' books, especially the ones you learn about in class, cos idk it feels like ???? a chore????? idk idk

'i hope you only mean in the show' you never know.....

T_T T_T PLEASE

'less anxious about sending asks!!😤' YES GIRL!! i love this mood!! youre gonna do it and do it in the best way bc youre the best!! i believe in you!! no one can stand against your hot person presence!! go and talk to them!

me @ my brain demons

'my body is like is this a threat CLOG THE NOSTRILS' ghdjs its kinda funny how you talk about your body as a castle which was attacked TT its kina true but still hilarious. hope you breath well lol.

HAHAHAAHAH I FIND IT EASIER TO EXPLAIN THINGS LIKE THIS NOT SO FORMAL BECAUSE IT MAKES MORE SENSE

'to be fair i have an electric fan open and when its night it gets colder' and i've got an opened window... youre really lucky i cant slap people.

HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA IM RONNIN 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

how was the movie? and what movie TT

HA i already answered that HAHHAHAHA

'YOUVE ALWAYS BEEN SWEET IM LUV U SO MUCH' yk what? i take after my catmom. meomeow!! love you too<з SO

<3 <3

listen the daemon idea..... 'BUT THIS SCENE WAS SO INTENSE' YES its also so true!! i love how alicent is the loving (lol to aemond) mother and a fair (LOL in her own way) woman, a majestic queen (lol sorry i want to say shes great but...). she said there was not enough information about alicent in the books so they kinda created some of her character and background? i think thats why alicent is so great in hotd. actresses really feel her.

HAHAHHHAHAH the parts in the parenthesis HAHAHHAAH. also ive seen people say that the show is basically and interpretation of the book because its so... ??? incomplete cos its a bunch of outside accounts ??? so as interesting as that is, imma just enjoy the story as a tv show so yeah AHHAHAAH. alicent crazy (theyre all crazy) but she can choke me

and emily!! i was amazed by her acting in the scene where she was like 'supporting' king in his chambers? her voice was really trembling and she looked so lost. wow.

i felt so bad for young alicent. her dad an ugly rat L. OMG by the way when i say L that means loser AHAHAHAHH and W but i dont think ive used it is winner HAHAAHH T_T stuff i learn from my younger sister HAHHAHAH

omg i havent seen tom and ewan in youtube so i absolutely forgot about them TT rip TT i like tom too. from what ive seen in tumblr and his insta i (as a judgemental person lol) think hes sweet.

HE DOES LOOK SO SWEET MY WIDDLE TOM HES SO BABY I SQUISH I KISS IM LUV LUV LUV

and im sorry but TT i used to (actually i still do) find it funny how ewan purses his lips TT IDK WHY but it makes me laugh so bad TT he seems quiet to me.

he seems quiet to me too! I ALSO THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY HOW HE PURSES HIS LIPS BUT ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE TIKTOK MEMES AND MEMES IN GENERAL I SAW OF HIM HOLLUP LEMME LOOK FOR SOME

THIS HAHAAAA

and then this tiktok

i bawled laughing when i saw this (though tbh im not sure if this is the original one [i feel like the door was brown in the one i watched and the dude's lips were SUPER curved. that or i have bad memory])

'WHICH WAS SHOCKING' lol hes got a puppy face... no his acting is good but... my judgements... theyre rarely mistaken yk....

HAHAHHAHAHAHH UR SO RIGHT SO PUPPY IM LUV HIM MY PUP PUP

you can love emma and can love olivia separately but their duet?? divine! theyre so ?? a match?? i even thought they may be a couple for a moment.

T_T ur so right they compliment each other so well [BREATHES FIRE]

so hope you've got a good day! and a good week!! love you! take care<З

i hope you have a good day too! i have class tomorrow and im going to go to school so i might reply late.

i love you <3 <3 <3 do well <3 <3 im proud of you always

xxx

[agendratum]

so i finished a book. gideon the ninth. holy shit. holy shit both because i actually managed to finish a single book and because of that ending. god

idk if it’s my new eyes that allowed me to actually read again or just a temporary second wind, but it will be hilarious if after all these years what it takes to finally break through my reader block (and a new wave of it, reader block: electric boogaloo) is a fucking eye surgery that allowed me to read without contacts or glasses

but this is not a sob story about my eyes, this is me being in fucking awe of this ending. seriously, i was afraid that after finishing this book the only commentary i would have would be about the shitty russian edition. listen, this book is great, maybe with a pretty slow start, but it’s a lot of fun, it’s good, it’s intriguing. but god. fucking. damn it. the russian edition sucks ass. it’s just god awful. shit like that should be illegal in publishing business

anyway, the book is still good and i enjoyed it tremendously, even if by the end of it i had to take a pencil in my hands and constantly fix annoying typos, mistakes, just straight up bad translations, this-was-clearly-a-swear-word-in-the-original-why-did-you-translate-it-like-this bits and all the other shit to ease my soul a little bit

but the ending. the ending reminded me why it’s so difficult to read books when you’re crying. (it’s cause you can’t see the letters, a crucial part of being able to read)

i don’t think i have coherent thoughts in the moment about anything that happened, but i have to say, that gideon nav is the most relatable protagonist of them all, cause, as a fellow sapphic, i too fall in love with literally every single woman i meet. harrow takes second place in being relatable, cause she fell in love with a corpse of a woman that almost killed god (she seems to have a type)

i definitely want to continue reading the series, but now i have to make a difficult decision - do i buy next book from the same publisher and again read it with a pencil in my hand, cringing from every terrible mistake they made, or do i buy it from like ebay for a 3x bigger price? (e-books aren’t an option, i already have enough c-novels that i can only read in e-format, i’m not expanding this list by adding books that i can buy physically that are written in a language i know. i’m just not a big fan of e-books)

but for now i can read something else?? i guess?? probably?? unless this is all a dream and i still can’t read

oh yeah, and i would love to add the line that sold this book to me:

lesbian necromancers in space

[livlepretre]

If you could, how would you remake the Originals' background/origins? Because after reading the cave discourse, I can't help but agree that the Viking storyline simply... doesn't make a lick of sense...

Thank you for asking!!

Well, I’d make a few simple changes:

1) Keep them in Europe. There’s no need to have any of their story set in the Americas before 1500 at the earliest, and it would be more interesting if their arrival in New Orleans in the early 1700s was special to them because it was them turning over a new leaf and leaving Europe behind after 700 years

2) in keeping them in Europe for their backstory— keep to the original EASTERN European idea. Have them be Bulgarian or Transylvanian or my personal favorite, Russian, or what have you. But it would be cool on a meta level if vampires figure prominently in those folklores because vampires actually originate in that region. Also the patronyms would be much cooler, full offense to “Mikaelson”

3) No Vikings. Nope. Nope. Nope. It was so bad I cringe alllll the time. Whyyyyyy. This ties into #2 but I wanted to emphasize how much I dislike it.

4) Have the vampire “spell” be a CURSE, like a terrible, unholy CURSE instead of a “protection spell”— my favorite fan theory from Summer 2011 was that Klaus was the “first” vampire because he had done something AWFUL or UNFORGIVABLE, maybe to Tatia Petrova herself, and her family had had the curse lain on his entire family in revenge. Because being a vampire? That is straight up HORRIFIC. You keep your soul and your human heart but you’re afflicted with this insatiable thirst for human blood that drives you to devour even your loved ones? You’re permanently stranded with one foot in life and one in death? The body horror of vampirism is off the charts. The inevitable psychological torture and spiral that leads to them becoming the very monsters they fear. It’s a curse for sure. If it’s not a curse set by someone else, make it clear that ESTHER AND MIKAEL are so fucked up that they chose to curse their children and somehow convinced themselves it was for their own good

4) have Tatia actually die to create the vampires— THERE is the tragedy— both Klaus and Elijah love her, and she’s unable to choose between the two brothers (a curse/personality flaw her doppelgängers share) and THAT’S why Esther and Mikael drag her screaming from her bed one night to ritually sacrifice her in a ring of fire and blood and terror. In order for something to be tragic there has to be a sacrifice, and the sacrifice here is Tatia Petrova who was beautiful and wild and loved too easily, and it got her killed. None of this “just a little blood from the hand” business, and also, tangentially: the Amara thing was really stupid, so just cut Amara’s very existence out and have Tatia picked by the parents for the ritual not because Esther somehow knew she was a doppelgänger but in revenge for causing strife between her sons and have her role in the sacrifice create the doppelgänger line.

5) obviously no cave drama. honestly it would have been more believable if Katherine had been researching them for centuries and just handed over what she knew.

Like most of the plot holes could be fixed with this. Also, it would be perfectly reasonable for the show to let us know that the Originals change or evolve their names over time. Maybe Elijah was originally Ilya, for example, or Kol changed his name to Kol on a lark, etc. (or they could just all have names that at least have translations/roots in a common language/culture. The fact that half their names are Norse and half are Old Testament drives me wiiiilllllddddddd. Whyyyyyyyy)

I think that sums it up?

[whump-tr0pes]

Okay but can I just say I love this community so fucking much. I’m really in my feelings at the moment and currently that feeling is gratitude so here’s me expressing my shit XD

Cut for the fact that it’s rambly and emotional and I’m not sorry

In more traditional writing, you write mostly alone, taking advice and ideas from friends but largely crafting the story alone. You write it from start to finish with very little input.

Here, I get input every single day. What works. What doesn’t. Trope ideas. Theories. Ships. Things that I never, never would have thought of, I’ve gotten from you. Writing has been, in so many ways, a collaborative effort. I have people who send me spice ideas, plot ideas, whumper ideas... and they’re all amazing. I love all of them, and so many of them work. So many of them enhance what my plan already was. I get to learn and adjust and grow with y’all, every single day.

And then there are the AUs! The drabbles! I’ve gotten to practice so many themes and interactions with my AUs, particularly the ones I’ve done with @ashintheairlikesnow. There are so many little moments in the HB canon that were born and explored in the AUs. I’ve been able to lift things out of the AUs with almost no alteration and put them into the canon, fully-formed. I’ve been able to collaborate and share terrible, awful, no-good very-bad ideas with people who have the exact same interests as I do. 

I have had so much support from this community. I met my editor here. I have people who had proofread my stuff, finding the dumbest little mistakes. I’ve had people suggest ideas for back blurbs. The title itself came from someone in this community, and I am so, so goddamned grateful for every single one of you. I’ve asked some of the most talented artist on the planet (I will 100% sign my name to that, fuck you) to make art for my characters that makes me fucking cry. Someone translated part of it into Russian, for Christ’s sake. I’m surrounded by wonderful, talented people and I am so fucking lucky.

Here are just a few of the fucking amazing people who have been so generous with their time and energy. I really don’t know how to thank most of you, other than to tell everyone to give you love, read your stuff, and appreciate you for the wonderful people you are.

If I forget anyone, it’s not on purpose. My mind is a fucking sieve and I might not know your tumblr handle.

@untilthepainstarts @slaintetowhump @walkingchemicalfire @sableflynn @gottalovethemwriters @butwhatifyouwrite @whump-it @albino-whumpee @kyliebean-editing @finder-of-rings @eatyourdamnpears @burtlederp @spookyboywhump @luckydanart @luckydanart-portfolio @newandfiguringitout @quirkykayleetam @orchidscript @swordkallya @moose-teeth@katherineonarainyday @whumps-the-word @whumblr @milesstannum @rotfern-moved 

[evilelitest2]

Was the last Tsar of Russia (aka Nikolas II) really such a horrible ruler as Soviet propaganda had tried to portray him?

Maybe not quite as bad as Soviet Propaganda, but like..it was close.  Niki was a bad ruler on basically every level and is living proof about why monarchy is terrible.  He was sweat natured, shy, and very friendly, a good father, great husband, but utterly unsuited to any kind of political power what so ever, he would have been great as a stay at home husband or maybe a translator but as the ruler of an absolute monarchy...ugg.  His only real skill was that he was great at languages.

Like, I can’t empathize this enough, Tsarists Russia was an awful regime, and it was well before Nicolas came to power.  Massive corrupt, an unbelievable division between the wealthy and the poor, basically no human rights for the people, the slogan of the Empire was “Orthodoxy, Autocracy, Nationality”.  Orthidoxy as in it was basically a theocracy, and all non Orthidox Christians were persecuted.  Autocracy in that the state was a super absolute monarchy with all power lying in the hands of the Tsar until 1906.  And Nationality because despite being a massively ethnically diverse country, the Russian empire enforced racist policies that prioritized ethnic Russians over everybody else.  This was all true before Nicolas took power, but he continued all of the most right wing policies, and it was his secret police for example which wrote the Elders of Zion as a way to divert criticism away from his regime and instead to the Jews.  Actually I really want to empathize this, Nicolas was an extreme antisemitic who seriously contemplated doing a Russian equivalent of the Holocaust at several points.  

But beyond all that though Nicolas II is...just kind of an idiot.  Like his father Alexander III was a brutal racist vicious tyrant who would kill you before you even thought of rebellion but he was you know...basically competent.  Nikki was, what historians call it, a bit thick.  LIke the impression you get with him beyond everything else is a complete clueless about almost everything going on around him, he always seemed to trust the wrong people, he appointed the wrong people, he disliked the right people, he never seemed to have a firm grasp on policy.  The disastrous Russo Japanese War that directly triggered the 1905 Revolution, Nicolas basically goaded Japan into it..by mistake.  And then fucked it up.  This is a guy who couldn’t even get through his coronation ceremony without accidentally getting like 1300 people killed. He was weak willed, indecisive, and never really understood how to manage anything without fucking it up.  This is not to even get into the disaster upon disaster that was his role in WWI.  

He was also just a bad administrator, he was a micromanager of the highest degree but was so afraid of conflict he would never openly tell people if they were fired or if he disagreed with him, he didn’t know anything about the policies which he over saw, and he 100% bought the notion that because he was God’s divinely appointed representative on earth, all he had to do was secure God’s favor and he would win out in the end.  Which like...not so much.  The impression you get of this guy was somebody who is just oblivious to how much damage he does, or what is needed to actually run a state...in addition to being a racist conspiracy theorist.  Just to make this clear, despite the fact that his own men wrote up Elders of Zion deliberately as a way to divert attention away from the regime, he still bought it...even though he knew it was fake.   

The one thing he seemed aware of was that WWI was a bad idea, and he still fucked that up.  

The Soviet Propaganda of the man tended to show him as a deliberate sadist who actively reveled in the pain of his subjects, and I don’t think that is true (though he was quite indifferent to the suffering of Jews), instead he was obliviously amicable dunce.  For example, the Bloody Sunday massacre which kicked off the 1905 revolution, was imagined by the Soviets as a deliberate act by “Bloody Nicolas” when in fact it was the result of an administrative miscommunication and Nikki not doing his damn job.  From all accounts he was a really nice person to talk to, easy going, friendly understanding and even kind, he was just also utterly incurious, stupid to the point of dangerous, and woefully incompetent at everything, who happened to be the most powerful man in Russia.

Its actually similar to Charles I, George III or Louis XVI, a tendency to attribute to malice which was mostly incompetence, though I think Nicolas was the worse of the lot (except maybe Charles I).

I don’t like the Soviet Union, but Tsarist Russia needed to end.  

Good Question btw

[thedeviljudges]

Honestly I agree that the acting in ST isn't thaaaat great with a few exceptions of course. Which actors did a good job, and which did you hate? Just curious :)

as i mentioned in a previous ask, i think sadie/max is the weakest/worst out of the whole ensemble. it’s hard to describe, but her movements and line deliveries are way too dramatic/over-the-top, and it doesn’t come off as natural even if a teen girl is supposed to technically act dramatic.

i realize that eleven is meant to slowly learn the world around her, but millie’s one-word delivers in st3 annoyed the fuckkkkk out of me. it was just so stilted.

i dislike the nancy/jonathan storyline together and independently, so that skews my view of their performance as a whole as i just don’t enjoy them at all. charlie isn’t a bad actor. i think he’s just given a terrible story to work with. i literally couldn’t care less for natalia.

finn is probably the strongest of the kids aside from noah. i’d say they’re on pare with finn ultimately ahead, but finn has a really great way of mixing comedy and seriousness into what he does. noah has done well with having a character who’s been traumatized, and st3 just made him cardboard flat, and that was truly awful to see because he was great in st1 and st2.

caleb is fine. really neutral about him. he kinda gets the short end of the stick in terms of range, so that ain’t his fault. and gaten is fantastic, but i feel like he’s better at comedy more so the serious side of things.

maya was fantastic esp as a newer character being randomly inserted into st3 for no reason, lmao. joe is really great as well, but i know that people feel he lacks range esp when it comes to other projects - i haven’t seen him in much outside of st. i did watch his eps on chicago fire, and i think he’s great. he just needs to be given more material to work with. (i mean, the breakup scene in the bathroom of st2 really showcases his ability to be vulnerable where you fuckin feel it, you know?)

dacre... his range depends on his role imo. he’s not bad. he’s not the best. did he work with billy really well? yes, absolutely. but then looking at something like power rangers, he certainly wasn’t the strongest there. also, his accent still needs work to this day, lmao. it’s also kinda difficult to gauge him bc of how few and far between his projects have been. i think the real testament is broken hearted gallery that’s supposed to come out this year and see how that goes.

it’s kinda odd to me tho that all the side characters have better performances than the actual main cast - sean astin, the guy who played alexei, the teacher dude, and the russian translator weirdo.

[ewokthrowdown]

Gah I’m back. It’s only been like a week since I’ve written anything but that’s like a really long time for me. Okay have a dumb coffee shop au.

The coffee shop was Yuuri’s absolute favourite. It was warm and cosy and cute. It did the most amazing mochas and even had a little stove fire, which was always lit in the cold New York autumn and winter. Phichit also had a couple of shifts there and liked to flick the mini marshmallows at Yuuri’s mouth from behind the counter. Their current record for Yuuri catching one was three tables and a stroller away. The baby in the stroller had seemed impressed even if his mother had been less so.

Yes, those were the reasons the cafe was Yuuri’s favourite. Definitely not because of the hot Russian man who also frequented it with his colleagues on their break. Definitely not.

Yuuri was currently bundled up in a good spot by the little stove, watching the flames lick up the logs inside as he sipped his usual mocha and thumbed the page of his book. He usually managed to nab this spot as Phichit would save it for him when he knew Yuuri was coming in. It also gave him a prime view of the beautiful silver haired Russian man as he chatted to his colleague, a pretty redhead woman.

Yuuri was actually taking a Russian course at college. It had been free, and he figured why not take advantage of a free language lesson when he’ll have to pay for them when he graduates? It could only increase his chances of getting hired.

His language skills were still not the best, but today the beautiful Russian man and his friend were actually sitting within earshot, so Yuuri tried to listen in to help him pick up a few phrases. But thanks to the noise of the other patrons and his own rusty skills he only got bits and pieces.

“...will be so angry with you, Victor… just don’t do anything stupid… last month’s… the Versace fiasco... next season’s line…”

It was the redhead who was talking, and from what Yuuri could pick up, Victor, as he now knew the beautiful man’s name to be, was at risk at being in trouble with someone. Also they seemed to work in fashion, which made complete sense. Victor and his friends were always dressed amazingly. Not that Yuuri knew much about clothes. He himself was just glad when he’d done enough laundry to avoid wearing one of the t-shirts Phichit bought him, which usually sported slogans like “Bubble Butt” and “Man Crushing Thighs”.

Victor and the redhead had moved on to talking about the coffee. Victor seemed to be complimenting it, only for the redhead to laugh for some reason.

“Oh please, I know that the only reason you come here is because of your cute coffee boy,” she was saying, and Yuuri’s first thought was that he was amazed and pleased he’d understood a full sentence. Then his heart plummeted.

Who was the cute coffee boy? Was it Phichit? It seemed likely. He was very pretty and Victor did always seem to be here during Phichit’s shifts.

“I’m also here for the coffee!” Victor protested.

And then, inexplicably, his eyes flicked over to Yuuri. Yuuri hurriedly looked back down at his book, his ears burning with the thought of being caught staring.

“...just so cute… with the reading though… wearing a sign saying ‘Don’t Talk To Me I’m Not Interested’... wouldn’t want to be that guy.”

Yuuri huffed. He wasn’t sure if he was pleased or annoyed that he couldn’t quite translate all of what Victor was saying. On the one hand, he didn’t think he wanted to know more about his Favourite Unfairly Beautiful Man’s crush on his best friend. But on the other, well… everything Victor said was a gift. All soft and rumbly with the accent, but bubbly in tone like… like the best champagne.

“...when it’s styled… but fluffy hair look? Adorable, ten out of ten, would pine for again.”

The redhead laughed and Yuuri fought the urge to take a peek at the pair.

“I think you should go for it,” she said, making Yuuri’s heart stutter. “What’s the worst that can happen? ...maybe a bit awkward if you run into each other, but there’s plenty of coffee shops around.”

Yuuri bit his lip, staring intently at the words on the page without taking any of them in. He could not watch Victor ask Phichit out. He could not.

Yes okay, he didn’t even know Victor, had never worked up the courage to so much as smile at him never mind talk to him, but it was his best friend and roommate. God what if Phichit said yes? No, no, he wouldn’t do that, Yuuri told himself desperately as he gave a panicked glance over to where Victor was pursing his lips as though considering the idea. Phichit knew Yuuri liked the hot Russian who frequented the cafe, he certainly teased Yuuri enough about it. But then as Yuuri had just thought, he had never even spoken to Victor. He had no claim on him. Phichit, lovely, popular, beautiful Phichit, would be completely within his rights to date Victor.

What if they started hanging out at the apartment? Being all attractive and coupley while Yuuri ate American microwave ramen that was an insult to his ancestors?

No, the thought was too awful. Yuuri sprang to his feet at the same time as Victor stood up.

Shit, shitting hell. Dang and nammit. He needed to leave.

Yuuri fumbled for his things, suddenly cursing himself at being so terrible with the cold weather that he had so many layers. Why did he have two books? He hadn’t finished the first one, there was absolutely no need to be carrying the second just in case he finished the first.

Yuuri had managed to get his arm through his hoodie, was clutching his coat in one hand, had dropped both books and could taste what felt like his diaphragm in his mouth, when a pair of feet stopped in front of him. Yuuri looked up.

And knocked the remainder of his mocha over.

“Whoopsie!” said Victor, diving forward to catch the mug at the same time as Yuuri.

This of course meant they smacked heads and Yuuri let out a whimper that was a combination of pain and complete, utter, send me to hell mortification.

“Blyad,” Victor said, making Yuuri wince as Victor rubbed at his forehead.

Somewhere behind him Yuuri thought he heard Phichit make a noise that sounded alarming like the coffee machine frother. Though perhaps that was actually the coffee machine, Yuuri didn’t know Victor was smiling at him oh god.

“Well that is not how I wanted to introduce myself, but there we go,” Victor said, dropping his hand as he continued to smile at Yuuri for some unknown reason.

“Err…” was Yuuri’s eloquent and witty response.

Victor however seemed unphased, flipping his fringe out of his eyes and fixing Yuuri with a smirk that made him want to climb up the chimney above the stove to escape the feeling it gave him.

“I’m Victor. I’ve seen you in here a couple of times.”

“Err… yes?”

One of Yuuri’s most intelligent rejoiners, surely. He coughed and mentally kicked himself.

“Yes, um, I’ve seen you… too.”

So much better.

Despite Yuuri’s complete and utter humiliation, Victor grinned at the response, apparently delighted.

“So we’ve both been seeing each other,” he said with a wink, which oh god the smirk was bad enough. “Perhaps we could see each other somewhere else too?”

What.

“Maybe dinner? Or another cafe? I’m not fussy.”

What the absolute shitting hell.

“Sorry, I’m going about this all wrong,” Victor said, showing the first sign of embarrassment as Yuuri continued to gape at him like a mute fish. Not that fish spoke. Fish were always mute. For the love of god why was he thinking about fish when Victor was clearly the spiciest salmon roll in the ocean?

Yuuri was going to lobotomise himself.

“Perhaps I can get your name first?”

Yuuri’s disbelief and shock had apparently reached some kind of internal limit and defused into a sort of emotionless plateau.

“It’s Yuuri,” he said, slightly croaky, a little flat, but an actually acceptable response.

“Yuuri,” Victor purred, and if Yuuri hadn’t been so overwhelmed he may have trembled apart at the way Victor said his name. He still might. “Well, Yuuri, maybe I can get your number so we can talk more about that date?”

Yuuri’s emotions slammed back into him at Victor’s last word, bringing with them the sort of heat to his cheeks that he’d only previously felt from the New York sidewalk in the middle of July.

Despite this rather alarming state of being, Yuuri was able to accept the phone Victor was pushing at him after creating a new contact for him. He stared for a moment at the little hearts tagged onto the end of his name in the contact, and promptly felt all the blood leave his face again. If he kept going like this he was going to end up in the emergency room.

Yuuri typed his number out numbly and handed the phone back to Victor, his fingers all tingly.

“Wow, thank you so much,” Victor said, with such genuinity Yuuri could only stare at him. “I’ll text you later so you’ve got mine. I’m not going to do it front of you to make sure you gave me the right one, that’d be weird, and, shit, totally within your rights to, um…”

Yuuri watched with a kind of disjointed fascination at the way Victor cut himself off, a blush to rival Yuuri’s blooming over his cheeks as he fumbled the phone back into his pocket.

“Sure,” Yuuri said, managing to find his voice in the face of Victor’s apparent embarrassment. “I look forward to it.”

“Great,” Victor let out on a sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair and looking slightly more centred.

Then he glanced over his shoulder at his friend, who was getting to her feet with an amused expression that she couldn’t completely hide as she drained the last of her coffee.

“Ah, well, it looks like I better be going,” Victor said, turning back to Yuuri with a sheepish smile.

“Well I’ll… look forward to your text.”

Shit, he’d already said that. Moron.

“Great,” Victor said on a breathless sigh, smile widening into a more genuine grin. God, that was cute. “Well… see you.”

Then Victor was turning away and Yuuri was watching him go as though from behind a pane of glass. As Victor pushed the door open and threw one last smile over his shoulder at Yuuri before exiting, what had just happened fully hit Yuuri. He sank back into his armchair with a noise not unlike a balloon deflating.

Through the fingers he had pressed over his eyes, Yuuri saw Phichit hurrying over to watch Victor go through the window.

“He just did the nerdiest little celebration dance,” Phichit called over the heads of all the other patrons, who could you know, hear him. “By my jelly sandals, you two are perfect for each other.”

Yuuri summoned enough energy to fling his empty muffin wrapper at Phichit. Then had to apologise when it hit one of the stroller patroller mothers.

Feel free to send me prompts! Apparently I need them atm. Find me on Ao3 :)

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: STRANGER THINGS 3

Stranger Things season 3 is here!!!!! Bust out your 80s nostalgia and demogorgon attitude because I fully don’t remember where we left off but Netflix kind of reminded me in a very extended recap that was definitely too long? Whatever, let’s just discuss the wigs! (AND MUCH MORE).

As with last season (and any season of TV I review) I will be adding each episode to this post and then changing my wig verdict as the season progresses. 

CHAPTER ONE: SUZIE DO YOU COPY?

We begin with two tweens making out and YUCK I really don’t want to live through this! I share this opinion with Sheriff Hopper who has to live through these make out sessions that are scored by 80s soft rock music. Even more insulting: THESE HAIRCUTS. I don’t know at what point these kids are gonna outgrow their bowlcuts but the answer seems to be a resounding: NEVER. Also Elle’s hair has finally grown out! TO THIS?!?!?! What overprocessed curly nightmare is this?! I feel like they were going for a Jennifer Grey situation but if that’s the case, I’ll be needing like 110% more hairspray and like 200% more dancing ability, please.

Anyway, the real news in town is: THERE’S A MALL NOW! It’s called Starcourt which is the most 80s sounding name ever and it is home to SCOOPS AHOY ice cream shoppe where Steve and Uma Thurman/Ethan Hawke’s daughter works. This whole storyline is incredibly Fast Times at Ridgemont High themed but Steve’s hair is still very wonderful. Also he can get all the tweens into the movie theater which is showing Day of the Dead and I get it Stranger Things: YOU ARE MAKING ALL THE 80S MALL REFERENCES. 

Also: Dustin is back from camp! It was a science camp called Camp KNOW where and I am definitely gonna see some assholes in this shirt this summer. Anyway, this storyline was all about Dustin forcing his friends into helping him with a radio tower to talk to his possibly fake girlfriend named Suzie and truly: meh.

Meanwhile: WINONA’S SEASON 3 WIG! I’ve gotta say, this season is the best season of wig for Winona. Sure, it is still very much a mess (as is she after the untimely death of her boyfriend Rudy Reuttiger!) but it’s the best wig she’s had so far so MAZEL!

Elsewhere, the most boring teen couple in America (aka Nancy and Will’s brother whose name I won’t learn) are working at the local newspaper and Nancy’s whole job seems to be fetching hamburgers for an entire room of #MeToo examples. Her hair is business chick 80s which is to say: on brand but I could use about 90% more Working Girl, please. 

And now let’s get to the only storyline I truly cared about: Nancy’s mom Karen Wheeler (aka Carla Buono). Every season, her wig brings the drama and glamour I crave in an 80s-based TV show. The arc of her wig story is truly the story of America - from 70s disco queen to bored early 80s housewife to the wig we see today - 80s mall glamour queen. AND I AM HERE FOR IT. She and the other ladies of the Hawkins Town Pool are unfortunately here for the worst character on this show: BILLY.

UGH BILLY. I will give this show major props for having his entrance to the same music playing when Phoebe Cates gets out of the pool in Fast Times (second Fast Times reference in this episode tho) but it’s a gender reversal I can definitely get behind. HOWEVER BILLY IS THE WORST. Within 2 seconds of his entrance, he fat shames a tweenager and also HAS THE WORST WIG.

Nothing has changed much from last season on this wig front. It is still very much a curly dried out MESS which is very much trying to reference Rob Lowe in St. Elmo’s Fire yet this bish has yet to wail on a saxophone or talk about granny panties so truly: no redeeming qualities here. 

This does not dissuade Carla Buono from falling under the spell of Billy’s terrible wig. To be fair, her husband is a constantly napping Reagan supporter of indeterminate middle age. Anyway, the episode ends with her getting 80s GLAMOUROUS for a latenight rendezvous with Billy at a fleabag hotel. Billy, however, is run off the road by falling/exploding rats (?) and then dragged into a dirty warehouse full of said exploding rats which truly is the fate I wanted for him and his bad rattail so: COSIGN.

CHAPTER TWO: MALL RATS

We begin with Billy in the rat-infested warehouse being very much alive, so already: I’M ANGRY WITH THIS EPISODE. However, Billy and his awful wig have definitely been through the ringer and he’s about to high-tail it out of there when he comes face to face with: HIMSELF?!?! I don’t know what sort of US crossover this is supposed to be...can we get Jordan Peele on the horn about this? Anyway, he drives out of there in his now somehow completely fine car that didn’t work about 5 minutes ago and then stops at the most bizarrely situated telephone booth literally in the middle of nowhere. I thought this might be a Bill & Ted crossover but nope: he just tries to call 911 before all the electricity bails on that plan.

In other telephone news, Mike has been shook to his core by Sheriff Hopper and tells Elle that he can’t see her and makes up some lies about his grandma. Queen on the scene/his mom Karen and her GLAMOROUS PERFECTION WIG are somehow listening in (KAREN!!!!) and she’s concerned about grandma now too. Everyone back at the pool is concerned about Billy/”Billy” (not sure if he’s the real thing or a mole person version or a possessed alien version - probably the latter) and he is straight up RUDE to Karen so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY ALWAYS. There are also a bunch of shots of the back of his nightmare wig that gave me the shivers. Oh, and he fully kidnaps the other lifeguard as a human sacrifice to a demogorgon blob so definitely: EFF YOU BILLY x100000.

This episode also introduced MAYOR CARY ELWES! This is very good casting and this whole storyline seems like an homage to Jaws so: OK! Also Sheriff Hopper asked Winona’s season 3 wig (which is still good!) on a date/nondate which she definitely didn’t attend because she had far more important lessons to learn about magnets and that’s probably the best reason to stand up a dude ever.

Elsewhere, boring couple is investigating some weird rat/fertilizer situation at an old lady’s house and basically I didn’t pay attention to this part because it was boring and it involved exploding rats so: hard pass. Nancy’s hair looked fine. Jonathan’s hair is a mess. The end.

The rest of the episode was devoted to the only kind of rats I like: MALL RATS! Over at Scoops Ahoy, my favorite bromance between Steve and Dustin was rekindled and truly it is a beautiful thing. 

However, Maya Hawke and her language skills (which are romance based, not Russian but whatever!) come into play to translate the Soviet message Dustin intercepted. They somehow translate it (SURE?) and also Maya’s hair is about as 80s as John Travolta’s 70s costumes were in 50s-set Grease. This hair is pure 2019 and you do you Stranger Things. THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS. 

Meanwhile, Mike is BUMMED about having to lie to Elle so he brings Lucas and Will along with him to the mall to...buy something for Elle to erase the lie he told her? The whole time Will kept asking when they could leave and play D&D and the whole time I wanted these boys to not have bowl cuts anymore.

In the most important storyline, Elle teamed up with Max to have a LADIES DAY AT THE MALL AND I WAS HERE FOR IT! Max does not seem like the kind of chick who is into fashion or commercialism but her overriding guidance of finding yourself through consumerism and forsaking any sad feelings about boys is just good TV. Retail therapy is great!

And I’m sorry but there is absolutely no better cinema than an 80s makeover montage to effing MATERIAL GIRL. YES PLEASE.

Elle also used her powers to prank some asshole chicks at the Orange Julius and this whole part of the show felt very Girls Just Want To Have Fun (the movie but I guess also the song) so VERY YES PLEASE.

THEY EVEN TOOK EFFING GLAMOUR SHOTS. CAN YOU EVEN?! THIS IS EVERYTHING! I don’t know who funded this amazing afternoon at the mall since Max’s parents seem like pretty absentee wrong-side-of-the-tracks types and clearly this whole mall fiasco goes against everything Sheriff Hopper stands for but whatever logic: YAY MALL!

In the end, Elle calls out Mike on his lie and DUMPS HIS ASS! GIRL POWER! MALL POWER! ICE CREAM POWER 4EVER!

CHAPTER THREE: THE CASE OF THE MISSING LIFEGUARD

My favorite bromance, Dustin and Steve, are on the hunt for Russians in the mall! This whole plot is ridiculous and wonderful. They think they’re really onto something here (and maybe they are?) and just need to find some guy with blonde hair and a duffle bag (like all Russians!) When they find someone who fits that description, he turns out to be a FABULOUS aerobics instructor and I like what everyone has done here with the gay or European? trope.

Meanwhile, Hopper comes home from being stood up with bottle of Chianti and general sense of hopelessness when everything takes a turn for the GREAT because Elle isn’t making out with Mike - she’s found a great galpal and they’re having a sleepover. Halleluj all over the place! Elle deserves a great galpal and Max is pretty awesome and can ALMOST land an ollie so I say amen. Winona’s season 3 wig (still great!) shows up and explains about magnets and then they go back to the lab and find an actual Russian (not an aerobics instructor!) but then he hightails it out of there with no other explanation other than the fact that he might be the Terminator and/or just a motorcycle enthusiast.

Anyway, Elle and Max have the best sleepover EVER by using Elle’s sensory deprivation skills to spy on the boys and truly this is the What Men Want crossover no one wanted but sure! (PS the answer is Doritos belches and farts UGH BOYS). 

Beyond that, what Will wants is to just play D&D IN THIS GODDAMNED ELEGANT CAPE, OK?! Mike and Lucas go along with it for a bit, but they are just too girl crazy to concentrate on being a nerd for long. Mike yells at Will, “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls” which is interesting phraseology since the internet really wants Will to be gay and only time will tell but honey: the cape eleganza story you’re serving is pretty fabulous, just sayin! (THE DEMOGORGON’S IN THE DETAILS ALWAYS). 

Anyway, after some fun sensory deprivation visions of the guys doing stupid stuff, Elle and Max decide to invent a whole spin-the-bottle inspired game to see what other dudes in Hawkins are up to and dammit if the bottle didn’t land on my wig nemesis BILLY. Elle sees that he’s up to some pretty effed up nonsense involving kidnapping that other lifeguard so they decide to investigate IN THE RAIN.

The rest of the episode is mainly devoted to fabulous 80s raincoat fashion and I WAS HERE FOR IT. Beyond these great raincoat lewks, most of the rest of the cast also rocked some fab 80s raincoats (excepting Will who got soaked destroying his childhood fort and Steve who OF COURSE was wearing a members only jacket but jokes on him bc that rain totally dented his ‘do). 

Anyway, Elle and Max go over to the missing lifeguard’s house and OF COURSE her dad is the #1 asshole that boring couple works with (oh also they did more boring investigating which resulted in an old lady eating fertilizer. Meh). But shocker: BILLY AND HIS AWFUL WIG WERE THERE TOO.

LOOK AT THE SIDE OF THIS DAMN WIG. Truly, this wig IS the demogorgon of this season.

Anyway, double shocker: THE LIFEGUARD ALSO WAS THERE! Or I guess a possessed version of her since this plotline is getting less US and more Invasion of the Body Snatchers (no need to return my call anymore, Jordan Peele). Also possession or not, this chick’s side pony and wispy bangs are the true terrors (second only to Billy’s wig). 

Also can we talk about Billy’s mustache for a second? IT IS SO DISGUSTING. That’s all I have to say. I don’t want to look at it any further.  Also look at how dried out this wig is and this whole episode involves torrential rain. I DEMAND MORE WIG HUMIDITY DAMMIT.

Anyway, Max and Elle (smartly) hightail it out of there right before Billy and the lifeguard attack her parents for further demogorgon possessions and we get one last terrifying view of Billy’s wig. HORRIFYING.

CHAPTER FOUR: THE SAUNA TEST

So I’m really liking the whole Elle and Max vibe going along here. I also like that they weren’t dissuaded by the whole Billy being a possessed demogorgon thing to spoil their sleepover. IT CONTINUES! And not only that, Max is literally introducing  WONDER WOMAN TO ELLE. I could watch an entire episode of this also because both of their hair isn’t too offensive and they’ve both discovered scrunchies. Mazel! But of course, the guys call in a code red and they have to hightail it over there to fix everything. Ain’t it always the way, ladies?

I would like to take a moment to talk about bowl cuts. So far, I have just lumped both Will and Mike’s bowl cuts into “awful” territory as all bowl cuts are awful. However, this episode gets a lot of shots of the back of Will’s head (because the back of his neck is always sensing those goddamned demogorgons). Anyway, it became very clear in this episode just how terrible this wig is as opposed to Mike’s terrible bowl cut actual hair. I consulted the internet, and apparently the kid who plays Will CUT HIS HAIR (which he was contractually obligated NOT to do) days before shooting began and the wigmaster had to scramble and make a wig literally out of the childhood cut hair of one of her assistants. READ IT ALL HERE. Despite her hustle, this wig sucks in the way that all man wigs suck: the back taper is just all off!! And with all those closeups of Will’s neck it is VERY DISTRACTING!! Billy officially is not the only one with a terrible man wig this season. But his is still the worst!

It did hide a bit under this sweet NIAGARA FALLS hat this episode. And his oily bohunk body was hidden under this sweatshirt which was a dead giveaway to all the kids that SOMETHING WAS AMISS HERE since Billy can barely keep a shirt on at school let alone the pool. Since Will knows that demogorgons (specifically the mind flayer?) like it CHILL, everyone was all: THIS DUDE IS STRAIGHT UP POSSESSED. Great work, kids! Also honestly, this whole lewk was giving me Weekend At Bernies realness and I was here for it (since it implies that Billy is dead which I would like very much please). 

Meanwhile, Hopper’s anger management issues get PEAK BLOODY when he just beats the shit out of Cary Elwes (who is technically kind of his boss?) in demanding answers about that Terminator/motorcycle enthusiast who beat the shit out of HIM last episode. Oh, and just an FYI: Winona’s season 3 wig was along for the ride and was still looking great! I cannot say the same for Cary Elwes’s face!

Over at Scoops Ahoy, Steve and his superior wigless mane are doing some serious air duct work with the help of Lucas’s precocious sister. This whole plotline begs the question: do any of the parents of Hawkins ever know where their kids are?

Meanwhile, boring couple is on the rocks after having a really boring fight about whether it’s worse to be a woman or poor and they called it a draw I guess? Anyway, I haven’t spent much time talking about Nancy’s hair which is starting to look a little lumpy honestly and the article I read (link above) told me the bizarre fun fact that most of this hair is real and permed (duh) but that part of the undercarriage is remnants from Winona’s season 1 wig which is obviously why it looks so shitty. The more you know!

Anyway, after being fired by the #metoo boss (who is now also demogorgon possessed) for wanting to investigate why that old lady with the fertilizer eating rats is now also eating fertilizer, she turned to her mom - the one and only queen of Hawkins glamour - KAREN WHEELER. LOOK AT THIS GODDAMNED PERFECT LEWK. Mama Karen ended up giving her a very great motivational pep talk that legit made me cry (SERIOUSLY) about how she had to keep fighting and get the world out about this effed up fertilizer situation. She also delivered a sick burn about her constantly napping husband. I LOVE YOU KAREN.

Back at the town pool, all the kids concocted a Home Alone-style booby trap to get Billy into the sauna, crank up the heat, and prove that there is a heat-hating demogorgon inside him. It kind of worked except they also almost died during the battle royale between Billy’s inner demon (literal this time) and Elle. 

Also I know that I demanded wig humidity last time but this is NOT WHAT I MEANT OMG THIS WIG IS A GHOSTMARE. Anyway, Elle saved the day (duh) for now by throwing Billy through a brick wall like he was the Kool-Aid man but seems like he’s forming a demogorgon army of possessed mole people so seems like it’s gonna be one crazy summer, you guys!

CHAPTER FIVE: THE FLAYER

Straight off the bat: this was a weird episode because it included neither my least favorite wigwearer, Billy, nor (SOB) my favorite wig wearer, KAREN WHEELER. So we were left with a bunch of other randos, mainly Soviets. We begin with Winona’s season 3 wig (looking a little rough around the edges in this episode, I am sad to report) and Hopper, fresh off the info he beat out of Mayor Cary Elwes, high tailing it to some farm owned by The Terminator dude. Under his bed, they find a bunker with these two dudes in it. Good morning!

Terminator dude, obvs shows up fairly immediately and lots of yelling, guns, and machismo ensue. In the end, the Terminator is briefly subdued by a fallen bookshelf and Winona’s season 3 wig, Hopper, and one of the rando Soviets escape but not without car troubles because: of course?

After Hopper’s truck explodes, they are all forced to walk through the woods while Winona’s season 3 wig hilariously tries to ask the non-English-speaking Soviet dude about magnets. It’s all pretty silly stuff but I’m here for Winona’s season 3 wig to get some comedic scenes instead of long suffering Christmas light crying scenes.

Anyway, they find a 7-11 where a lot of product placement and caffeine takes place, as well as Hooper yelling a lot for no reason which is essentially his entire character this season. Get some anger management classes, dude! Also the rando Soviet gets a slushie so between that and Billy’s icee last episode: WHAT A TIME FOR FLAVORED ICE WATER!

My absolute favorite part of the episode came next when Hooper commandeered a sweet convertible from this yuppie asshole. I’m not sure how often police commandeer vehicles in real life but I love it when they do it in movies because it’s always taking a car from some pompous idiot who clearly doesn’t deserve to drive (see: Speed, So I Married An Axe Murderer, etc). You can’t get more pompous or idiotic than this yuppie (named Todd, of course?!) with both a popped Polo shirt AND a blazer with zhuzhed sleeves AND white pants. THE NERVE OF THIS GUY FOR EVEN EXISTING! PLEASE TAKE HIS CAR! OMG HIS LICENSE PLATE IS TDFTHR! EVERYTHING IS JUSTIFIED!

Then Hopper, Winona’s season 3 wig, and the rando Soviet drive directly to Murray’s compound in Illinois. I’m bummed we have to suffer through Murray and his existence again since I’ll never forgive him for the gross pull-out couch jokes he made about #boringcouple’s sex romp at his house but here we are. He DOES speak Russian so let’s just get through this translation. Oh and obviously the Terminator dude questioned the 7-11 clerk so he’s probably on his way to Murray’s house now, hopefully to kill him so I don’t have to suffer through any more of his gross sex jokes. 

Meanwhile, the Scoops Ahoy spy crew are still locked in that elevator they took way into the bedrock of earth/logic but somehow manage to escape when some (more!) rando Soviets come to unlock some deliveries. Then they discover the whole Soviet plan to reopen the Upside Down while also not being noticed by one single Soviet (great security, dudes!) except for this one Soviet who Steve beats up (GO STEVE!) I’d also like to say that Steve’s superior wigless mane is truly wonderful in this episode. The lights from the underground labs really bring out his summer highlights and it’s truly a thing of beauty. Uma Thurman’s daughter continues to have a 2019 beach wave blunt instagram cut not welcome in this 80s narrative please but otherwise she’s fine. 

Over with #boringcouple, they got back together I guess? Remember at the end of season 1 when we were all deeply offended that Nancy was still with Steve and NOT Will’s brother (I refuse to believe he has an actual name). How things have changed! If Steve ever took back Nancy, I would be personally DEEPLY OFFENDED so I guess it’s fine she’s just still a #boringcouple but it’s still boring you guys. Even more boring: the actors are a couple in real life and have been for years! I just found this out this week and found it DEEPLY BORING.

Anyway, #boringcouple teams up with the tween gang to solve this whole fertilizer eating mystery and Nancy totally mommed it up when she put her shitty perm back in a banana clip and told all the kids to buckle up so she could drive her parents’ wood-paneled station wagon and honestly this section felt very Adventures in Babysitting so I’ll allow it. Also Will’s bro’s hair always looks like it was cut by a weed wacker and I’m not sure if this is a comment on his socioeconomic plight but truly Winona’s season 3 wig should get her kids better haircuts please. If her wig can improve so can theirs. In any case, at the missing lifeguard’s house, they vaguely put together some blood-related clues and then decide to visit the fertilizer eating grandma in the hospital.

Only fertilizer eating grandma ain’t there, hunties! Also please return all those flowers to their vase, please. Instead, #boringcouple apologized to each other for their boring fight in an elevator and then had to fight two possessed #metoo bros from the newspaper (which was very satisfying) while Elle and Mike basically starred in an M&Ms commercial in the waiting room. I honestly was hoping that #boringcouple would get possessed too but they ended up being ok (SIGH) and the back of Will’s bowl cut wig sensed danger so I guess Elle is just gonna have to fix everything in the next episode or 3. 

CHAPTER SIX: E PLURIBUS UNUM

We begin, UGH, with #boringcouple who are still battling with (part of?) the mind flayer in the hospital and Nancy gets very Sigourney Weaver in Alien and I thought she was about to get flayed but sadly Elle saved her ass. Back at Hooper’s bunker, the whole gang is still basically relying Elle for both protection and sensory deprivation recon. Nancy gels her hair up for some reason (I hope she used DEP!) and Will keeps getting the tingles on the back of his terrible bowl cut wig. Max and Mike have a battle royale about who cares about Elle more and whether women can make their own decisions about their own telepathic powers which Nancy rightfully weighs in on (you go gurl?) But honestly, no one was protecting Elle from the real catastrophe here: WEARING CRISS CROSS SUSPENDERS THE WHOLE GODDAMNED EPISODE. Suspenders are fine and I’m glad Elle has found fashion, but maybe the kids can elect one of them as Elle’s suspenders advocate to avoid this in the future?

Meanwhile, Terminator dude still hasn’t caught up with Murray (sadly) and everyone in his bunker is still very much alive, at least until they die of lung cancer (ZING!) Anyway, Murray does a lot of Russian translation, rando Soviet dude throws a diva fit about slurpee flavors, Hopper continues his reign of anger management/alcoholism problems, and Winona’s season 3 wig is honestly not looking great. They do somehow figure out what the Russians are doing under Starcourt (they even make diagrams and use a lot of Burger King product placement to reenact nuclear scanarios!) And Hopper calls a secure line to demand backup back in Hawkins. Okay?

Back in Hawkins, Bloody Bloody Cary Elwes seems to have recovered from Hopper’s beating pretty nicely (as long as he keeps those shades on) and is very much invested in the 4th of July county fair he is PRODUCING (he even made signs crediting himself!) The Terminator dude demands answers about Hooper but no matter: JUST ENJOY THIS FAIR RIDE!

Speaking of people getting face beatings, Steve is getting absolutely SAVAGED by the Soviets. It was honestly very heartbreaking because he has somehow become the male MVP of this show, partially to do with his hair god status (EVEN WITH A BLOODY FACE HIS HAIR LOOKS SO GREAT!) but also because he’s become a really sweet guy and I just want him to catch a damn break! (Tho please continue to be broken up with Nancy - dear god!) 

We shouldn’t be too worried about him getting back together with Nancy, though, because if it wasn’t clear from the moment Uma Thurman’s daughter was introduced: THESE TWO ARE OBVS GETTING TOGETHER. Her hair is still a very 2019 distraction but she’s def an upgrade from Nancy. However, after taking some weird Soviet truth serum (probably just LSD, right?) she admits that she harbored a crush on him way back in the 10th grade and also totally undermines her cool outsider status by admitting that all losers want to be popular (I DON’T KNOW IF ALL LOSERS STAND BY THIS GURL I HOPE THIS IS JUST THE LSD TALKING!) This whole section gives a lot of Some Kind of Wonderful realness and honestly that is a lesser John Hughes work so I’m not sure I can give any of this a passing grade. However, Dustin and my new favorite sass machine, Erica save the day with a nuclear cow prod! GREAT WORK KIDS! ALSO YOUR PARENTS DEFINITELY DON’T CARE WHERE YOU ARE! Speaking of parents, yet again the glamour of KAREN WHEELER did not grace itself in this episode and we were all worse for it.

Back at Hopper’s cabin, Elle decides to go nuclear with her sensory deprivation recon and we all have to welcome BILLY (UGH BILLY) and his terrible wig back. Anyway, he pushes her further into the recesses of his memory/all logic on an astral plane that can only be described as the place where Michelle Pfeiffer was in the Ant-Man sequel (IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT HOW VERY DARE YOU). So we get a lot of terrible childhood flashbacks which try to show Billy’s abusive tendencies to be learned from his horrible upbringing and truly: DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT BILLY.

JUST LOOK AT THIS IDIOT. NO THANK YOU PLEASE. Despite the humidity of his entire body, his wig remains a dried out hellscape that I would love to never see again for the rest of my days. Also he almost traps Elle in the astral plane they’re on JUST LIKE MICHELLE PFEIFFER IN THAT ANT-MAN MOVIE) but she escapes into the arms of Mike (fine sure) and then Billy explains that he and and his army of mole people have been waiting for Elle this whole time and: REALLY? That seems very specific but you do you, mole people. Oh also all those mole people (grandma fertilizer included!) all file into the rat warehouse and shapeshift into a disgusting mind flayer/demogorgon/blob nightmare. YAY!

CHAPTER SEVEN: THE BITE

Welcome to the Fun Fair (a Mayor Cary Elwes production!) Somehow he recovered from his terrible face beating to show some FACE at this thing. The whole town is there and ready for some 4th of July FUN that will definitely not be ruined by Russians or demogorgons. 

Most importantly, this episode gave us the triumphant return of KAREN WHEELER! HER HAIR LOOKS AMAZING! She is bringing full out bouffant glamour to the Fun Fair and damn if she didn’t have this lewk done at Dolly Parton’s salon in Steel Magnolias. IT IS THAT GOOD.  Clearly employing the “higher the hair the closer to god” theory - and not just hair-wise actually because this bish bribed some carnie to stop the ferris wheel at its highest point so that she and her family (at least the part of her family whose whereabouts she knows about) can enjoy some FIREWORKS. KAREN YOU MINX I LOVE YOU! HOW ARE YOU STILL MARRIED TO THIS DUDE IN GOLF PANTS?!

The top of the ferris wheel is also a perfect place to see the incoming demogorgon!! The back of Will’s bowl cut is getting the tingles too. And before Elle can fully explain her trip into Billy’s beach memories, the mind flayer is THERE, y’all, busting through the roof of Hopper’s cabin like it’s straight out of a 50s b-movie. I would like to note that for ONCE Winona’s house isn’t about to get trashed so mazel! #Boringcouple armed themselves with guns and axes but obvs they prove completely useless and the flayer is about to steal Elle away when they make a human chain and are victorious...FOR NOW.

Meanwhile, Dustin and Erica are dealing with a very drugged up Steve and Uma Thurman’s daughter and decide to lay low in a showing of (WHAT ELSE?): Back to the Future! They actually show so much of this movie that I’m assuming the entire wig budget went straight to Robert Zemeckis. 

Over in the TDFTHER convertible, Winona’s season 3 wig is looking a damn MESS as is all the side projection of them getting back to Indiana. There’s a lot of bickering between Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper and finally my beloathed Murray has to meet his gross sex talk quota for the season and tells both of them to just have sex already and then he and the Soviet dude laugh a lot and OMG GET ME OUT OF THIS CONVERTIBLE.

#Boringcouple and the kids smash into a supermarket to get Elle some medical help for the leg that the flayer effed up. I’m not sure why a hospital wasn’t an option but it’s probably so there could be more 80s product placement like Mr. T cereal and a whole actual conversation about New Coke. Nancy’s hair is still VERY depped up. Max seems to have the most medical training from skateboard injuries and fixes Elle up pretty well while the dudes prove completely useless other than finding a treasure trove of fireworks. I guess most importantly, Elle was reunited with her ain’ true love: EGGOS. They hightail it out of there with a ton of fireworks that they definitely won’t (lol jk) use later. Oh and Elle’s blood kind of comes alive and Billy and his shitty wig come back to sniff her out. Gross. 

Speaking of gross, Steve and Uma’s daughter left the very confusing (for them) screening of Back to the Future to go stare at the Starcourt ceiling to the point of barfing (which I honestly did not need to see TWICE or at all!) The barf did get the LSD out of their systems so now it’s time for truth talk and LURVE TALK! I really have to hand it to Steve for being completely face beaten and bloody and covered in barf and still having enough swagger to admit to Uma’s daughter that he has feelings for her (despite her 2019 hair) and just when I thought this show was so predictable, Uma’s daughter comes out as a LESBIAN!! What? Okay! To his credit, Steve pivots pretty easily to ally/friend and truly: HE IS THE BEST AND WE DO NOT DESERVE HIM. ALSO PLEASE GET HELP ON YOUR FACE WOUNDS AND YOUR HAIR STILL LOOKS GREAT. 

NOR DO WE DESERVE THIS MUCH GLAMOUR TWICE IN ONE EPISODE. Karen Wheeler may look great but damn if she knows where her (or Winona’s season 3 wig’s) kids are. But let’s just enjoy this space ship ride! Also a rando carnie calls Hopper “Magnum” and: sick burn. Also there is a woman dressed up as Uncle Sam at the fun fair and between this drag king realness, Uma’s daughter, that one Jazzercise instructor, and (maybe/probably) Will, I’m so ready to throw a Hawkins Pride Parade. Karen is already wearing rainbow stripes!

Elsewhere at the fun fair, Alexei is having the time of his damn life winning a Woody Woodpecker with the support of 10000 children. Sadly, his joy is cut short when the Terminator dude kills him in cold blood. HARSH. Also Murray chooses to blame himself for not guarding him like he was supposed to and instead buying a corn dog. I AGREE, MURRAY: THIS IS YOUR FAULT PLEASE LEAVE. Then Hopper has a whole sequence with the Terminator dude (and some other rando Soviet baddies) in the funhouse which is the second time this season which felt like a weird homage to US and I guess I need to get Jordan Peele on the horn again about this. Anyway, Hopper gets ANOTHER face beating and so does Cary Elwes from Winona’s (also beat) season 3 wig. 

Back at the mall, Steve and company are trying to just slip out with the rest of the movie crowd from Back to the Future but the Soviets are totally onto them and it looks like they’re about to be killed when (AGAIN) Elle saves the day by throwing a Chrysler LeBaron on them. GREAT WORK! Unfortunately, Elle is also receiving a threatening phonecall from a mini demogorgon and the call is coming from: INSIDE HER LEG. 

CHAPTER EIGHT: THE BATTLE OF STARCOURT

So this demogorgon situation with Elle’s leg is pretty severe so Will’s brother (again name NOT NECESSARY) prepares for mall surgery based on stuff found at the Panda Express and literally gave her a wooden spoon to bite on as if this was happening during the Revolutionary War. The demogorgon leg removal is not working so as always, Elle just DID IT HERSELF because she may be the only capable person in this mall/town. 

Hopper and Winona’s season 3 wig (not looking great) and (UGH) Murray show up and everyone compares notes on how to fix this whole mindflayer situation. Most importantly, Erica outsasses Murray and wins. Steve (rightly) gets the keys to the TDFTHER convertible to take him, Uma’s daughter, Dustin and Erica (now known as Scoops Troop) to Dustin’s radio tower. The rest of the tweens plus #boringcouple (now known as The Griswold Family because sure) are getting sent to Murray’s bunker and can’t they maybe stop and get Elle some medical attention on the way? No matter: they’re not going anywhere because Billy, possessed or not, still knows way too much about cars and stole their damn ignition cable. DAMMIT BILLY. 

Steve is driving the Scoops Troop up a damn hill to the radio tower while listening to Jackie Wilson’s Higher and Higher which I’m sure is a Ghostbusters 2 reference and also Uma’s daughter looks exactly like her in the convertible driving part of Kill Bill and honestly all of these pop cultural references are getting tiring. Anyway, from the top of the radio tower, they can see the demogorgon closing in on the mall and Steve and Uma’s daughter hightail it back there. 

At the mall, Elle is having some trouble moving that LeBaron to get the ignition cable - she can’t even move a damn coke can. WHAT GIVES? This does beg the question: since she has literally done all the heavy lifting this season, could she maybe call in a favor from her telepathic sister in Chicago? Why did this show even introduce that character - just to check off “punks” on their 80s pop culture list (note: DEFINITELY) But seriously, it’s like when Marvel makes a stand-alone superhero movie after an Avengers movie. SOMEONE GET THAT PUNK CHICK ON THE HORN!!! Anyway, Will gets some back of bowl cut tingles and the damn demogorgon smashes through the roof. Elle, Mike, and Max make a run for it through the gap, where the demogorgon confuses a mannequin wearing Elle’s same clothing and truly: the gap would NEVER sell this graphic eleganza! Did Esprit just not want to be involved in this whole mess because that is where she would have bought that. The rest of the tense gap scene plays out basically exactly like the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park. Meanwhile, #boringcouple is doing boring auto work while Billy just endlessly stalls in his evilmobile but is about to hit them when MVP hair god Steve saves the day and everyone piles into the station wagon. YAY!

Elsewhere, the Terminator dude has made it to the Soviet subbasement where Hooper, Winona’s season 3 wig and (UGH) Murray are now in Soviet apparel. Winona’s season 3 wig (looking great hidden under that hat) and Hopper have a nice talk and make plans for a legit date which definitely won’t be derailed by a demogorgon (lol jk jk). Murray manages to infiltrate the room where all the wires control the nuclear weapon the Soviets are using to open up the Upside Down and why wasn’t this room better guarded? Oh well. Much like sucking at guarding Soviets and not buying corndogs, Murray sucks at remembering important numbers which are the combination for the nuclear keys. 

Of course the code is some nerdy equation that requires Dustin to ask fellow nerd (and girlfriend Suzie who exists!) for help. But not before Suzie demands that Dustin sing....The Neverending Story theme song. This is peak 80s cultural reference and we can all go home now. Also it is mainly an excuse for Galen Matarazzo to sing and sure: he and this chick sound great! Now please get those damn keys! 

Elle,  Max and Mike are confronted with (unfortunately still alive) Billy who beats the shit out of all of them and takes Elle. She’s about to get flayed when Lucas and Will throw all those damn fireworks on the demogorgon. Sure!  Elle uses Billy’s memories to reason with him. This show definitely wants us to root for Billy all of a sudden because he turns on the demogorgon but I REFUSE TO LIKE BILLY WITH THAT DRIED OUT WIG IN THIS SWEATY MALL. 

   Back in the subbasement, Winona’s season 3 wig and Hopper are ready to end this but the Terminator dude shows up. They duke it out very close to a nuclear warhead while Winona’s season 3 wig turns into MacGuyver and uses a belt to try to disarm both keys and bless her. Hopper throws the Terminator into nuclear generator thingie. Byeeeeee. Then Hopper looks back at Winona’s season 3 wig for long enough to definitely make it back into the safe glass room where she is but instead just gives a really long nod, signalling her to disarm the nuclear whatever thing and he definitely (absolutely does not) die. 

However, all my hopes and dreams for Billy’s death finally came true! YAY FOR ME AND MY HATRED OF HIS TERRIBLE WIG AND HIS CHARACTER WHICH HAD NO REDEEMING QUALITIES NO MATTER HOW MANY BEACH FLASHBACKS TRIED TO PROVE OTHERWISE. I will say that his exit is VERY METAL so in some ways, this was the only appropriate death for his Metallica and Tank loving character. FINE. Two seconds after he and the demogorgon die, the feds show up with Paul Reiser! I am honestly very mad at this show for not blasting Pat Benatar’s Little Too Late during this entire sequence. OH WELL. Outside the mall Winona’s season 3 wig and Will’s terrible bowl cut wig are reunited in a bad wig hug. Then Winona’s season 3 wig catches sight of Elle and gives her a look that says: I am definitely adopting you.

Three months later, a fake Inside Edition show gets us up to date on the burning of the mall, government coverups, and comeuppance of terrible mayor Cary Elwes. Also Uma’s daughter (now with 80s appropriate updo!) and Steve are trying to get jobs at the video store! Uma’s daughter and her love of Billy Wilder movies make her a shoe-in for the job but Steve's taste in the Ewok Star Wars movie and the 5 minutes he saw of Back To the Future whilst on LSD don’t make him the best candidate. Also he trips over a Phoebe Cates cut-out and truly Phoebe Cates: thank you for your service in being name-checked constantly this season. In the end, Steve’s awesome hair gets him the job. Maybe? 

Meanwhile, Winona’s season 3 wig is moving just like she said she was going to this whole season and no one believed her. Also she put her wig back in a ponytail and: good move it looks ok! Elle still doesn’t have her powers back but eh? She does get a heart-tugging letter from beyond the grave (he’s totally still alive) and all the kids/tweens/#boringcouple sob that they are being separated. It isn’t clear where Winona’s season 3 wig is going or how she could have sold her shitty house in the town that fake Inside Edition show called haunted. And yes, separating her now 3 PTSD kids from their only support group is also shitty but what has this goddamned town ever done for Winona and any of her seasons’ wigs other than stealing her children and killing her love interests and trashing that shitty house at least twice?! I SAY GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE (they will fully be back next season). 

After collectively sobbing all their faces off, the tweens of Hawkins are left only with the ELEGANZA OF KAREN WHEELER and whatever healthy dinner she’s preparing with the help of some white wine. YOU KIDS ARE STILL LUCKY WHO NEEDS FRIENDS WHEN YOU HAVE KAREN WHEELER! Oh and back in Russia, Hopper is like 110% definitely still alive. See y’all next season!

FINAL VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ (YOU KNOW IT WAS BILLY’S FAULT)

[viterant]

What I am about to get into is a good reason why ignoring an obvious problem or trying to compromise while not fixing the root is not going to help. Foreign language learners, especially those who practise writing in a non-native language, this might be helpful to you. Although I must say, I'm putting this out for myself as much if not more than for everyone else. This is somewhat like a self-analysis.

Once upon a time, in the year 2017 I foubd myself completely immersed in the english language environment. Videos, music, literature - there was a lot more to find out in the world and, in many cases, a lot more interesting things to me personally, than just in the russian-speaking community. Suddenly, I found many new fandoms and interests, was genuinely surprised and sometimes even left sobbing by various media and that experience was head-spinning. Not even mentioning that worldwide communities seemed more welcoming and accepting (which, a lot of them are). And thus, what happened, happened.

As a not-so-successful aspiring writer on RUS self-publishing platforms, I decided to try out writing in English. Some of the first attempts are... Horrifying to me now, to put it mildly, but over time it wasn't as terrible. And I received praise from many wonderful people I'd met. Which to my attention-starved self was everything.

And thus, I started writing, more and more. First for praise and feeling content with myself, then more for my own pleasure. Or, at least, I thought so.

You know, writing in english, as a russian native speaker, has never been easy. Nor it was supposed to be. But, finding different sources to work with, context translators and some other things made it more... Bearable. However, there was still a major flaw to any of that. When walls are breaking down, painting them can't be of any help.

Even though it was somewhat easier to write, I still lacked (and lack) the basics.

1) Character creation. This is what I have struggled with for a long time and still do. As of now, I can say I can come up with interesting traits, life events and backstories, but all of those are singular and specific things: outside of that, the characters are still two-dimensional. And that is not what I wish to spend my time doing.

2) Proper motivation. Again, my situation is not as bad as it was in 2017 and I am capable of working on my passion projects, but even then I am very much dependent on the opinion of other people, how many views and kudos I could get. And due to the lack of motivation (even though I seem to want to do it), writing can become very, very stressful and tiring, due to this I have become unable to finish the older projects I started and then abandoned. All of the minute-long sparks of interest amount to nothing without proper motivation to write and, unfortunately, it is not something I can boast about right not.

3) Massive vocabulary and extensive knowledge of grammar required to be a decent writer. And while I cannot say I am that awful, I am not as good either, for an obvious reason: I am not a native english speaker. Over time it could change (hell, my vocabulary has already broadened by a lot), but there is another problem. One that is not brought up so often. And the name of its is Language Attrition.

Put briefly, language attrition happens when you immerse yourself in a foreign language environment, which results in you having more and more trouble using your native language. For many centuries, this has been a problem emigrants suffered from, but by now it is much more wide-spread. And it is also a problem i'm struggling with.

For the past 1,5-2 years, my russian speaking and writing skills have plummeted dragging my self-esteem along with them. Grammar, vocabulary, everything - and even though I don't have any trouble understanding what is being said, I do have problems responding. Even my brain operated in a weird mixture of russian and english, which seemed great until it didn't.

I have never been particularly knowledgeable in the grammar of russian language. To put it mildly, it is awfully complicated. But I have never been as terrible as I am now. And for this, I have only myself to blame for.

Language attrition starts to develop when you live in a foreign language environment - in my case, in the english segment of the internet. Which seemed like a great idea at first, backfired badly. When I first noticed the signs, I brushed it off. Then, as they were becoming more and more apparent, I thought it was normal. And, yes, it is normal. Every decision leading to certain consequences is normal. Those consequences are, however, not always positive.

Ignoring this problem doesn't help. Which means, I will have to fix it, by trying to find a balance between the language environments. It means I have to return to russian-speaking community (and I have already taken a few steps in that direction for the past couple of months) and it means I will have to limit my interactions with the english-speaking one, until I am completely sure this problem is gone.

Which means, I will have to put all of my personal writing projects posted here on hold. I will work on characters and the world, possibly try to expend the vocabulary, but will forcefully keep myself away from actually writing. For, at least, 6 to 12 months.

It also means I will get back to my projects and russian. And it also means I will have to improve my Russian, especially the grammar. And read. Read a lot. Watch a lot. Preferably, more than I currently do in English.

It will be hard to adjust to this new style of living, but to avoid further worsening of the situation, I have to do this. I am going to keep chatting and roleplaying, but other than that... I am sorry for disappearing from the radars like this, but for the sake of myself and my own future (especially considering Russian Finals are very important), I am planning to step away from this point on.

And this very post will stay here as a reminder. I am asking you, whenever you see me spending an entire day on discord/binging something - please link me back to here. It would be much appreciated.

[mostlysignssomeportents]

#5yrsago Lena Finkle's Magic Barrel: Bad romance, Russia and writer's angst

Anya Ulinich's 2008 debut novel Petropolis, marked her out as a master of tragicomic romance; now she's back with a huge, hilarious, bitter graphic novel about sex, immigration, the Russian soul, and heartbreak. Cory Doctorow reviews Lena Finkle's Magic Barrel: A Graphic Novel.

Lena Finkle is a successful first novelist with a failed marriage and two small daughters. Her marriage to her second husband, Josh, has collapsed in spectacular fashion, leaving her in a tiny Brooklyn apartment with her girls, her gig teaching a terrible writing course, and her contract to produce a novel that's not really going anywhere.

Finkle came to America to Russia as a young girl, getting out of the Soviet Union in the chaos of Glasnost and Perestroika, landing in Phoenix with her family, who are sponsored by Hasidic Jews who undertake to train her to be properly Jewish, something she has virtually no experience of, despite her technical Jewishness. Her life has been a darkly comic series of bad choices, overbearing parents, two bad marriages, and a marvellous love of literature that has translated into a kind of micro-celebrity and a huge dose of anxiety about her second book.

Though this is Ulinich's first graphic novel, she makes the most of the form, with a style that's reminiscent of the wonderful Lynda Barry in both line and tone. As Finkle sets out to define herself on her own terms, separate from her long-pined-for Russian boyfriend and her two disastrous husbands, she is initiated into the world of Internet dating. Ulinich handles this with deft comedy, introducing us to a series of men broken in their own way, viewed through the telescopic lens of an immigrant who has absorbed American-ness at too late an age for it to disappear into the background.

The book takes off in the second act, when Finkle meets the love of her life (so far), a man she calls The Orphan, who has so many quirks, both lovable and terrible, that he can't possibly be good for her. The story of their romance is genuine, moving, silly, sexy, and, ultimately (and unsurprisingly), awful. This sets the stage for a rather marvellous third act, a story of incomplete redemption and salvaged dignity, striking the same chord of partial victory and semi-sweet success that makes this book ring so true and evoke so many complicated and uncomfortable chuckles.

Ulinich's story is ably propelled by her fantastic use of the graphic form, through a series of interludes and flashbacks that use the busy, scribbled page to advance the story in ways that mere words could not attain on their own. And she's not shy about using prose where prose works best, sometimes filling whole pages with hand-lettered, novelistic text. It feels like Ulinich asked herself whether she was a cartoonist or a novelist and decided to be both at the same time. It was a good decision.

https://boingboing.net/2014/09/24/lena-finkles-magic-barrel-b.html

[moonraccoon-exe]

I know you said not to apologize bc some asshole comes from the same country as me, but still, it's bad enough to see my people being mean to their countrymen, so seeing them being mean to foreign people... Ugh, I know you are so good you'd never judge a country for one person, but I still hate to see us leaving bad impression! Don't let it ruin writing for you, that fic is awesome and should you ever receive other cruel comments, there will always be someone to support you! Un bacio ❤️❤️

PURRRKWOOD BUDDY!!!!!!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

PURRRKWOOD BUDDY HELLO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN I’VE MISSED YOU I’m sorry I haven’t reply in PMs aklsjdflkadj  BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT WE’RE TALKING ABOUT AAAH. 

Purrrkwood buddy, hello!! I saw your comment and your ask a while ago.

I understand your point. I still don’t agree but I understand so much the feeling! When someone shares something like nationality with you and they make something mean, it’s super HORRIBLE because nothing is more pleasant and wonderful than when another country sees you positively, so to see someone from your country do something rude to a foreigner, it’s like *massive facepalm* and this absolute ANXIETY of wanting to do something!

My, it’s the first time I’m on this side of the thing, but I really want you to know that it’s quite okay! 

Again, I understand this horrible feeling of others leaving a bad impression; makes you feel frustrated and so impotent, aaah, it’s terrible!

But really, I reassure you and will do as much as you need, that I don’t have any negative view on your wonderful Italians! All Italians I’ve ever met on the net are incredibly nice, and a comment won’t ruin it. I like to see everything as a matter of individuals, regardless of everything, including nationality (like USA! Most USA are being SO HORRIBLY MEAN to us latinos, but I’ve made LOTS of friends from there because I know it’s individuals, and that even if their government is calling us animals, it doesn’t mean my friends from the USA think about me that way :)

So same with this! Just because I was a Z-word to someone doesn’t mean I’ll be for the other billions of you. They could have been russian or chinese or even another mexican, and they would have written the comment anyway, so really, nationality doesn’t matter in this!!

So no worries. I’m madly, desperately in love with Italy and its people and its places and all the things I know and the ones I don’t know about it too. I’ve always thought nicely about it and I still do, in the same way than before! Wonderful, dear Italy, I’ll go there one day. ♡

I admit, it did sort of ruin the writing experience at first, but it’s okay now! It’s not ruined anymore, and maybe it was just the impression, that I had no comments as I haven’t updated in a while, I see a new one, I got all hyped and super excited, to see words I didn’t understand, translate and see it was what it was, like someone stepping on me and spitting those words on my face. Yeah, maybe if I had been a little more prepared, or not about to go to sleep, it could have taken me less off guard and I’d just have shrugged it off, but I was so, so, SO EXCITED to see a new comment, it sort of hit me to see what it really was aah :(

But yeah, it doesn’t matter anymore! I thought about going “you know what, now I’ll drop it for another 3 weeks just so you learn your lesson” because I would honestly just write the update all angered, hahahaha, but that’s okay. I woke up feeling immensely better, and as you said, people came to my aid!!

Even before I got to reply or say anything, three dear and sweet angels chimed in without even needing to be asked or told to do so. Fighting someone back, especially in the internet, can trigger a lot of bad things, but you 3 did it anyway, just because you knew it made me feel bad, and because you knew it was wrong of them to have said that. 

I wasn’t expecting anyone to stand up for me, let alone 3 people, and all 3 in italian!! It was truly amazing, and I felt…protected, in some way. And loved and cared for.

Everyone here and on AO3 have always, always, always treated me so nicely and so kindly, and so sweetly, I will never finish understand how I can receive so much love, how it fits in me, how someone can give so much love and support. I’m forever amazed and in awe of how much the people support me and what I do, and this is not the exception!!

That you people would run in my aid for 2 words, it was truly amazing, phenomenal, and it felt…in some way I can’t put into words. I felt like someone had smacked my head and there were immediately three tall humans there to chide who smacked me; it was just a smack, you people could have let it go, but you didn’t.

How do I deserve all this amazing, huge love!?!? I feel I give you guys a pebble and you throw a mountain back at me, hahaha!!

Seriously, how can you be so impossibly sweet? You are one of those that I just…don’t understand. Like, how. What are you, how do you exist, and what did I do so to stumble upon you among everyone else and how do I thank the gods for that!?!?!

I knew there would be someone to support me, I just didn’t expect it to be this way. :’3

Thank you, buddy, seriously. You didn’t have any necessity or obligation to do that but you did it anyway, just to defend me. You’re so amazingly nice to me, I don’t know how to say thanks enough or how to give you as much love and support back, aaaah!! ♡

Just know that, seriously, from within, thank you. Thank you, thank you so much buddy, for everything. For standing up for me, and for taking the time and effort to do that, and thank you for dropping by my ask with so much positivity and care to give. I felt like hugged and in a safe space!! (o´▽`o)

Thank you, buddy, I won’t tire of saying it. You’re always so impossibly sweet and kind with me, I don’t know what to say!!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! (ﾉ´ヮ`)ﾉ

Un bacio? IS THAT A HUG, THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HUG-

A kiss oh my god, of course, that makes so much more sense in a romance language ahahahaha, how did it not cross my head!?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAWW, BUDDY!!! YOU MAKE ME BLUSH AND GO SHY AND AKLSJDAKJF AH! (*ﾉ▽ﾉ)♡♡♡

*CLINGS TO YOUR HEAD*

UN BACIO E UN ABBRACCIO FOR YOU TOO, MY DEAREST PURRRKWOOD! All the fluffiest, warmiest, and most grateful raccoonie vibes for you, my dear! Thank you so much for standing up for me, and for everything!!

Lotsa raccoonie hugs your way!! Grazie! (ɔˆз(ˆ⌣ˆc)❤

[alifeasvivid]

How Sonder learned to stop being an ass and love Russians: a meditation on tumblr culture and the human capacity for change.

So I grew up with this weird vaguely cold-war-ish prejudice against Russians. Namely because of an annoying younger boy who lived in my neighborhood who was annoying and snitched to his mom, a Russian lady, every time we wouldn’t play with him and got us in trouble. The adults in the neighborhood made snide and snarky comments about this woman and her “possible” status as a mail-order bride. Totally not my fault that they said those things, I was like... ten. But it is, however, my responsibility to dismantle that objectively stupid prejudice (not that all prejudice isn’t objectively stupid).

Only I just ignored it for the longest time. It was compounded by an ex-girlfriend. We went to the same school, but we met somewhat coincidentally through a Hetalia meet-up group in my state. The only problem with that was I shipped (and still ship!) USUK and she shipped RusAme and there was once a time when those two ships were in greater competition for popularity than they seem to be now (if AO3 count is anything to go by). Additionally, while not Russian herself in any way, she switched her minor to Russian History and frequently professed her attraction to objectively terrible human Vladimir Putin.

She cheated on me and broke my heart and to this day, I still can’t stand that ship. I have the tag blocked.

But there's this guy I used to work with at my previous job. He’s the only thing I was sad to leave behind there. I think he's in his fifties or so, but he works out constantly so he's in really good shape. He barely speaks English. He really only speaks Russian. We had all found ways to communicate to him what he needed to do, but no one really talked to him outside of that. No one, not even him, seemed particularly bothered by it, but I kinda felt like it was a wasted opportunity. So... I switched my language learning app from Japanese to Russian and I downloaded a translation app. But I think my prejudice died the moment I told this man, "please teach me Russian" in the best pronunciation I could because his face lit up and he started talking to me (I didn't understand, but that's okay) and showing me pictures of his family and... I learned the reason he works out so much and does MMA is because he was in a really bad car accident and all sorts of other things. I miss him sometimes. He was very nice and always worried about my health, always willing to laugh with me even if we still couldn’t really understand each other.

Why am I telling you this? Because there’s this culture on tumblr that you absolutely have to stand by everything you’ve ever said, no matter how bad or wrong it was. But people change. I know because I’ve changed. In addition to this, I once wrote an LJ post about how awesome American capitalism is and now I’m a socialist. Because I was wrong and I can admit it and I changed. I also was determined to never be a feminist and now I’m that too. I didn’t change because someone yelled at me and told me I was awful, told me to die. I changed because a few people took the time to stare down my prejudices, my anger, my assumptions, and my privilege and calmly, kindly, empathetically tell me that I hadn’t considered all possibilities, all the implications. Some of those people had every right to think I was stupid and horrible and incapable of ever being better. But they didn’t. They showed me love.

So when I say “only kindness matters,” this is what I mean. Only kindness creates positive change.

That said, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for everyone is punch someone in the face when they’re saying objectively stupid things, you know, like the things Nazis are always saying.