#bad dating profiles

[shou-jpeg]

‘Oh my God’, Porchay thinks. This man is perfect: Music, terrible jokes, gorgeous face. Arms.

Porchay goes to press the super like button, but the app blocks him with a message about how he's used up all his free likes and that he can subscribe to get an unlimited number or wait 24 hours for more.

Shit.

Porchay really needs to stop liking every guy's profile. 

He hovers over the message. 

Chances are, this guy will be gone if he waits and he will need to cycle back around to find him again. What if he turns his profile off between now and then? Or he meets some other guy?? Porchay may never get another chance to let this man know that he's extremely interested.

Well… he might not be interested in Porchay… but it's worth a shot, surely?

Fuck it, he thinks. He can afford one month’s subscription, even if it is wildly expensive for a dating app.

He has to let this guy know that they're soulmates.

Meanwhile - Kim matches with no one even though he gets a decent amount of interest. Khun bullied him into this and he's making a stance. He's immediately enamoured by Chay's cute face and interest in his guitar and ends up breaking that stance out of “pure curiosity”. Chay remains the only person he ever matches with.

Khun is very smug when Kim finally admits how they met.

Companion piece.

[gayestcowboy]

astarion and tav (he/him)

[moeblob]

Huevember 11

Karen and Rick but in the DND AU. (I just look at this and think 'Barbie learned eldritch blast' but ya know. Whatever.)

[sweetlullabyebye]

[vhsrights]

jemily secret dating headcanon?

ohhh I have so many ideas!! here are just a few :)

Emily starts wearing an extra hair tie on their other wrist; when asked about it, she just says that she breaks a lot of them in the field (no one believes her)

JJ starts to smell like Emily's VERY EXPENSIVE French shampoo

Em doesn't talk to Morgan for a full day after he took her seat next to JJ on the jet (and cozied up to her) for the flight to and back from a case

They show up to Girl's Nights in each other's PJs/Hoodies

Both nearly kill someone out of worry every time the other is in the field with an unsub whose victimology matches them (ie: Em nearly cutting the blood circulation off in Morgan's arm when they hear that JJ got in a confrontation over comms)

Garcia and Tara have to pretend that they didn't see JJ hastily pull off Em in club bathrooms when they go out

One time when they're out to dinner with the team, JJ and Tara get up to go to the bathroom and accidentally switch seats when they get back. Em is talking to Reid and doesn't notice, proceeding to put her hand on Tara's leg. She almost yelps when she realizes and the whole team laughs while Em and JJ just try really hard not to look at each other.

People keep telling them they make a great couple and they horribly lie their way out of it

When there aren't enough hotel rooms on a case, they leave to room together before everyone else even discusses (even after Tara and PG start coming with them)

A lot of times when they get called in on days off, JJ and Emily almost answer each other's phones

They keep secret sticky note messages to talk to each other on paperwork days (it's more fun and involved than texting)

They come up with a series of inconspicuous facial expressions and hand signals say things like I love you and I miss you at work

One time PG comes with the BAU on a case, and the lead detective won't stop hitting on Emily. JJ nearly commits murder but keeps it cool to not blow their cover. However, later JJ and Emily are returning from sneaking off to talk in another room and almost walk in on PG chewing out the detective. She's talking about how JJ and Em are dating and to not step on the teams toes. The couple walk away so that they don't get caught but can't stop laughing when they get to the hotel that night

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

I'm about thiiiiiiis close to just deleting all of my dating app profiles and giving up completely 😮‍💨

[6okuto]

NIA OMFG SO ABT THE DATING APP POST U MADE (replies could not handle the novel I am about to impose on you)

the way I am so in love with iwa but he’s the epitome of not my irl type 😭 gym bros and their bland responses to hinge prompts scare me and I feel that he would have the exact profile you were talking abt. his redeeming quality would be like. a dog.

SAME WITH ATSUMU AND IT PAINS ME. PHYSICALLY PAINS ME BC THAT IS MY HUSBAND.

Bokuto would be the exception to the gym bro thing bc he is also a himbo and it shows (in the best way possible) and no one can resist that.

half of hq would not be my type irl and the other half that would be?? I’d be too scared to try to match cause they’re. gorgeous??????? Hello???

HOWEVER Akashi’s profile would totally be like cafe date vibes, libraries and very just. CALMING AND NICE AND I’D DO THE SAME AS YOU. The only thing is I think his prompt responses (I’m on hinge so this is the only dating app format ik) wouldn’t really give you tooooo much to work with but it’s ok no one can be perfect.

I think kuroo’s would be like super bf material tho. Like the kind of profile that you’re certain gets a lot of interaction and makes you wonder if he’s even active on the app anymore LOL. also gives good responses, he’s just slightly dorky but it’s so endearing and it adds to the appeal of his profile.

I think suna’s would be super chill with like humorous undertones and I’d probably end up trying to match with him bc of that. he gives gooddddd responses that are genuinely fun and non repetitive. he’s also not dry if you end up matching.

yk what no I’m giving atsumu a chance here. his prompt responses are. interesting to say the least. dry. he comes across a bit cocky. but his pictures don’t if that makes sense??? like he comes off as a genuinely sweet guy in his photos and videos. maybe I’m just too soft for him and I’m projecting, this is embarrassing.

I wanna add something abt oikawa but I genuinely cannot think of anything other than his photos would be insanely aesthetic and pretty. responses need a bit of work and his opening lines come off a bit strong but. it’s okay. he’s perfect and can do no wrong imo 🤷🏻‍♀️

ANYWAY SORRY I JUST GOT EXCITED AND WANTED TO SHARE. YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO THE SMAU, I WOULD EAT THAT UP!!!!!

HAIII REV!! EXACTLY. exactly. i'm sorry but not even a dog is enough for me i'm like Omg little dog and then don't match I'm sorry hajime.. Bokuto... my cutie pie naoooo 😭😭 i'd like to hope he'd answer the prompts cutely/in a funny way but i still wouldn't think we'd match well and skip him... BUT!!!! I think if they replied to one of my prompts i'd reply...?! < girl who Never Ever matches first Ever. like there's a photo where their smile looks very cutesie and i'm like Why not!

Akaashi. 🙂teehee. my favoritism i'm sorry everybody. he doesn't really have photos of himself so he has to ask friends for some and there's like one photo that's dimly lit where he's smiling with fluffy hair that would make my jaw drop and tears form in my eyes i'd want him so bad. one of his prompt answers would be like. a joke about how tired he is with all the work he has. something kind of basic But i love him so it's ok. for me specifically i mention my dislike for HTTYD 3 and i think he'd reply and be like wait you're so right can u explain more or something like that and I would Start Crying tears Of Joy PLEAASELEAASE PLEAPSAPPSLEPLEPA

omg kuroo. i understand. i actually first had the idea he looks kind of dorky (/affectionate) but he has a couple good photos and a meme and it's like Oh he's so real for that. also he's totaallyyy somebody who does an audio prompt 😭 it's something fawking stupid /Affectionate and i'd show my irls and we'd be like wait he's kinda cute while we laugh BJSHFBJSD there's also a group photo somewhere on there ! and maybe a video where you can hear him cackling! silly guy...

suna would have a stupid ass block text meme somewhere on his profile LOLLL there's a photo where he's in his room in the dark but i can also imagine he has one with good lighting outside that's one of the few he has... he Would be funny! he's all lowercase until u say something that gets him to laugh and he goes LMFAOOOOO WAIT and it's like Yes I got a good grade in Hinge. BFJSHBJSB

ATSUMU! totally has a pic where he's showing off his muscles or spiking But also wait he looks kind of cute and dorky in this other photo and also his prompt responses are funny this is crazy? I UNDERSTAND!!! maybe it could be like... he's not someone you'd swipe on initially but he sees Your profile and tries to switch it up to cater to you before replying to one of your prompts LOL. and maybe there's a pic of him helping samu make onigiri or just... something kind of domestic that makes u go oh alright he's nice?!

HMM OIKAWA.... also a volleyball pic somewhere. maybe with a medal or trophy of his LOL. but he can take good selfies Unfortunately smhhh /j so you're like aw fuck... i think i'd be like oh you're out of my league or Not my type but if that kind of guy replies to one of your prompts...Would you not be a little curious to see how that convo goes. he's good looking enough that he could just like people's first pic and move on but You're special and Funny and he's Curious okay!!!

THANK U!!! HTANKYEWWW I LOVE THINKING AND TALKING AND SHARING AND HEARING IDEAS IT'S SO FUNSIES NEVER APOLOGIZE 2 ME! i have So many smau series ideas bouncing around in my head i've never tried but if i ever do this one...U will b the first 2 know.

[farmlesbians]

deleted my hinge account for real. now what

[ladyantiheroine]

Only on dating apps will a guy ask for a short-term, non-monogamous housewife with whom he’s open to having kids.

[areyouafraidofdating]

😂😂😂

[chillinparker]

he's so relatable

[ubike-official]

date back on for sunday now. His friend is okay. thank god. And uhhh, yea now we're finally be fr about the "hey we met on a dating, lets be so fr about what our experience has been" uncharted territory besties. we're not at "so what are you looking for?" but i already essentially told him my approach is to just really try getting to know ppl i find interesting and letting a spark develop from there w/o pressure. kinda like in school where you consistently see people in casual settings. and he thought it was a good plan so uh. here we are.

[eighthman-bound]

I’m getting real fucking sick of dating apps bro

[reliabledragon]

I think I'm up to ten people now where only after multiple dates and substantial investment do they reveal that they either lied on their profile or left out major red flags when we discussed dealbreakers. I'm feel like I ought to get a punchcard for a free meal at this point or something.

[nanathott]

GO BACK TO THAT SHOP AND GET HER NUMBER U NEVER KNOW

I HAD DINNER PLANSS SO I COULDNT but i frequent the piercing shop at least once a week bcs i have a serious addiction :3 so ill see her again at some point trust

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

Date was mediocre and I didn't feel particularly into it. Even worse, when we got to the end I tried to break it gently that I wasn't feeling a connection I think they might have teared up a little bit?? And then we ended with an awkward handshake because I'm just not in a headspace for full-body touching strangers out of guilt right now.

Sooooo yeah. Not great. I feel like a jerk but I didn't want to get their hopes up and also I really, really wanted to leave. Also worried that there's just genuinely something wrong with me and I'm incapable of dating normally