#bad at math but balancing it out with the gay determination and confidence to do anything I want

[lale-txt]

someone just impulse ordered 15 balls of black wool to make a Judgeman plushie………

[stillbornphoenix-blog]

Break the Cycle

“Let the past die. Kill it if you have to.” - Star Wars: The Last Jedi

I’ve been meaning to start something like this for a while, but of course it’s only late at night when I’m intoxicated and can’t sleep that I actually conjure up the nerve to follow through with it. I need some journal outlet to express how I feel. That sounds lame, at least to me it does, but I do feel it’s necessary at this stage of the game. I need a place to vent my feels, to unravel my thoughts, to bleed on a page if for no better reason than to see what comes out. Raw unedited passion shotgun blasted onto a blog post. So here goes, day one, 1st entry.

Where to begin? At this point there is so much history, so much that has happened to add to the sum of my experiences, but in the end I still have to no fucking clue what to make of it all. All I know is that I know nothing. Everything that seemed right ended up wrong. Everything I thought was true and certain was a fallacy. As a person with a scientific nature, I hold on to absolutes. I cherish that which remains constant. I love math. 1 plus 1 always equals 2, but these days I wonder if the sky is even really blue. Looking back at every decision I ever made, with the information I had at the time, I don’t see how there could have been any alternative course of action. All the same, it all turned out wrong.

“If I could change I would take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made I would If I could stand up and take the blame I would I would take all the shame to the grave” - Easier to Run by Linkin Park

I’ll try to start at the beginning, but I can sum up all of grade school in a single short paragraph. Even since kindergarten I was girl crazy. I was raised Christian by my grandparents, and naturally I was a goody little two shoes. These two facts came into conflict when puberty hit and I experienced lust for the first time, and it was so much more powerful than my faith. Yet, I fought it tooth & nail. For 8 years all I can remember was the shame I felt for viewing porn and masterbating.

“I feel the light betray me” - Papercut by Linkin Park

I was 19 and still never had a girlfriend, I was rejected by a good Christian girl for the reason that she didn’t want to be with someone who’d been with another girl before. But here’s the clincher: I’d never had a girlfriend before. After that bullshit excuse I decided that everything was going to change. I researched what it meant to be an alpha male and I did everything I could to become that, short of turning into an asshole. I lost 60lbs, cut my hair, embraced my sexuality, adopted a false bravado, and I’ll be damned... it worked!

At the age of 21 I finally had a girlfriend, and she was insanely hot! I couldn’t believe my luck. Some months went by and we finally had the chance to have sex for the first time. Problem was I couldn’t get it up. I didn’t understand it. When we were together and flirting, even in my pants I was always at full mast, but here with our clothes off and this happens? She quickly drifted away after that and I never got a second chance. She even bothered to tell me that she suspected that I was gay. Real shot to the confidence there.

After my first real breakup, and still a virgin after having just turned 22, I became desperate. I had learned about craigslist personals and found a hetero couple who were looking for a virgin to break in. I put my name in the hat and was chosen. We met at some shady motel downtown and got started. For about 45 seconds I was able to keep hard enough to technically lose the v-card, but I couldn’t maintain it. I excused myself to the bathroom where I tried to recover some wood. The couple did there thing in the room and we awkwardly parted ways afterward.

Around this time I first heard of polyamory, the ability to love and maintain more than one romantic partner openly and ethically. I actually came up with the concept in my late teens long before I’d even heard of it, but assumed that I was the only one who felt that way (as I thought with masterbation) and had dismissed the idea. More on poly later...

Some months later I had a new girlfriend. We both still lived with our parents, so finding an opportunity to have sex was problematic. We resorted to trying in the car, but I still had difficulty keeping hard. I’ve come to determine that it was due to performance anxiety since with both her and my ex I knew they had been with many partners before me, and I was left wondering how the hell and a newbie I was going to satisfy them. As I stayed and continued to try with the new girl I eventually got my confidence up and was able to have sex the way a normal male in his young 20s should. I was absolutely insatiable.

Roughly a year into the relationship I started falling hard... really REALLY hard for a girl I worked with. I began to realize that my feeling with the new girl were stronger than that of the the girl I was with. I didn’t want to lose who I was with, but at the same time I couldn’t not explore my feeling for this new girl. Having not yet adopted the polyamorous mindset, and being in love with two monogamous girls, I had to roll the dice and sacrifice the established relationship to explore the new one.

With this new girl I will say was the most I have ever been head over heels for someone in my entire life to this day. Not only was it the most personally connected I’d ever felt towards someone, it was also the best sex I’d ever had (not just up to this point, but up to this day). That lasted for a summer until she had to move far away for school. We tried long distance, but everyone knows how that goes. Top that off with an open long distance relationship. Considering we both had different definitions of an open relationship, it was beyond terrible.

Fact: cute girls have no trouble getting sex. Fact: guys, no matter how attractive, have to try much harder to accomplish the same. Before she’d been gone a month she’d already found a fuck buddy, and within another month yet another fuck buddy. Me, no such luck. Now, I need to sidebar here to explain that to her, an open relationship was only sexually open, yet to me and my polyamorous nature an open relationship included romantic feelings. While she was getting plenty of dick where she was (including, since she felt the need to tell me, the biggest penis she’d ever seen being inserted inside of her), I began to develop a crush on a coworker who turned out to be polyamorous herself. Had I not been balancing a doomed LDR at the time, this polyamorous girl and I could have probably lived happily ever after, but that’s not how the tale unfolds...

The girl afar and I became insanely jealous of each other. So naturally, she started seeing one of her FWB in a more romantic light. Instead of force my hand, I ended things with the poly girl and flew to where the LDR girl was to try to salvage the relationship, but it was too late. In the end I lost both amazing women. I still miss both of them dearly.

What followed was alcoholism, depression, and an awkward string of attempted one night stands and friends with benefits. One FWB developed into a relationship. That lasted a while, until I realized that I was suppressing my polyamorous nature though this woman wanted me all to herself. I ended things with her and broke her heart. She offered to try a polyamorous relationship, and in hindsight I should have taken her up on this cause she probably would have grown to be poly herself knowing her, but I never gave her the chance. Just one more cross to bear.

I jumped immediately into a relationship with a classmate which is the only relationship I’ve been in that I’d consider a “bad” relationship. That lasted a semester and then it ended.

Here I was single, depressed, living with my parents again, and suddenly my mind started fucking up. The depression had developed a negative effect on my brain and memory function. It was then that I decided that I wanted to get better. While I started thinking positively for the first time in years, I reconnected with a girl from church who I grew up with. The age gap while we were in school would have been awkward at the time, but now it didn’t make a difference. We became close, even to the point that I wanted to actually be monogamous with her. As we got closer to the wedding she went on about this guy at her theatre that she was becoming close with. A week before the wedding she asked if we could be polyamorous, and since I had yet to practice polyamory successfully I leapt at the chance and agreed.

We got married. Her boyfriend ended up being a royal asshole and broke her heart. She was never the same after that, and as a result WE were never the same after that either. She became distant as a wife, but still present as a friend. I figured it was just the pains of heartbreak and did my best to be a good husband and be there for her. We almost stopped having sex altogether since she said it was painful for her, but I loved her for more than just sex so I still did my best to be a good husband to her. She eventually found a new boyfriend who was a bit less of an asshole and that took off. When our lease ended, he offered to let us rent a room on his property until we could secure funds for a house and we were on board.

For two months we all lived under the same roof: me, my wife, and her boyfriend. In the second month, she basically told me that our marriage was over, and that she wanted to be monogamous with the boyfriend. On the last night we spent together I didn’t even try to approach her for sex, it just didn’t seem right. The next morning, on the last day of us as a married couple, on the day I’m going to move out, she woke up next to me in bed and went straight to the boyfriends room to have sex. That was the first thing I encountered when I woke up.

That moment broke me. No, that’s an understatement... that moment shattered me to the core. She apologized and explained that she wasn’t thinking and just “going through the motions” which honestly made me feel a million times worse that her own goddamn husband wasn’t a part of her “routine.” So I moved in with family and within a week had my own apartment. This was a little over a month ago as of writing this.

In the month and a half to follow leading up to present day, I have worked out and gotten into good shape, taken my first step into the kink/BDSM community, and even met someone. I have decided that I will only get involved with someone who is already polyamorous. I’m going to explore my kink side as well as let my sexuality thrive again since its been repressed for the majority of my life including the past 4 years.

I have lost almost all of my friends and family when it came out that I am polyamorous and/or that I was going through a divorce. When shit hit the fan, I was left with one recently acquired friend and one recently discovered family member left that I felt I could be open and myself with about matters. Even at that I feel cautious sharing certain things with them. Now I am living completely on my own for the first time ever... no family, roommates, or lovers... and it’s the loneliness that’s the killer.