#backtowork soloparenting maternityleave copingwithbaby

[mjsmum]

Going solo: surviving daddy's return to work

I'm aware the blogs I've posted so far make motherhood seem like the worst/scariest thing in the world. Actually, it's the most amazing and gratifying thing I've ever done, I've just been blindsided by how difficult keeping a tiny human alive can be. And I expected things to get even harder when I had to run the gauntlet of solo parenting from 8:30AM-6:30PM, five days a week.

In the context of my labour recovery and breastfeeding struggles, the end of Jim's paternity leave loomed over me like doomsday in those first couple of weeks. When I was in the constant crying phase I would sob in the shower at the idea of having to sustain Matilda for eight hours a day without a second pair of hands to share the load.

However, unlike just about everything I'd encountered up to that point, adjusting to life on my own during the working week was actually a lot easier than I thought.

A first taste of flying solo

To ease us into the new routine, Jim only worked 3 days in his first week back, and mentally that really helped me cope. Even if it was awful, I told myself, I only had to repeat the process three times and then he would be back to restore our safe little baby bubble.

I was surprised that I wasn’t more emotional on his first day back at work; perhaps I was too tired to think about it that hard, as Matilda isn’t brilliant at sleeping in the wee small hours.

I’m lucky that Jim is a night owl and we’re combination feeding, so we devised a new routine in which he would look after Matilda downstairs while I got 2-3 hours of sleep, then bring her up after her midnight feed, and I would take over until the morning.

Unfortunately, Matilda seems to have decided that 2-6AM is her witching hour, so the graveyard shift quickly proved to be a test of will, but sleep patterns are probably something to discuss in a later post once she’s grown into some form of routine – good or bad. Back to the solo parenting thing. 

How to avoid cabin fever

As I mentioned, I coped better with that first morning than I thought, but very quickly in those first couple of days, I learnt a valuable lesson:

Don’t stay indoors all day, or you WILL get cabin fever.

I am a naturally lazy person, and during my maternity leave pre-baby I wasted entire days on the sofa watching box sets. I would frequently cancel coffee dates purely because I couldn’t be arsed to wash my hair, put on some decent clothes and face the world.

However, something has flipped since Matilda was born, and now the thought of a whole day indoors is just too much to bear. I tried it on Jim’s first day back, and by 4PM I was literally counting down the minutes until he got home. Without any sort of structure, Matilda wanted to be on the boob all day, to the point where I felt like a milking machine and practically thrust her on Jim when he walked through the door, just to give me five minutes’ breather. 

The first big adventure

The thing I was most scared of about going solo wasn’t taking care of her by myself, but having the courage to tackle the big wide world on my lonesome.

I’m not very technically minded, so I had a fear of operating the pram and car seat without assistance; I hadn’t driven the car since before she was born, and fretted that I would have a shunt with her in the back; and I worried that she would have a meltdown in public, and I (a) wouldn’t know how to make it stop, and (b) would get evil glances at my obvious poor parenting.

To get over this fear, I decided on a very low key first outing, and met Jim for lunch. I left a ridiculous amount of time to pack her stuff away, so that I could triple check the contents of her changing bag, to the point where I set off for our decided rendezvous point (Sainsbury’s café) 15 minutes earlier than intended. I should add that this is the only time I’ve been early for anything since she was born!

The day generated some interesting moments including how to carry a cup of coffee when you’ve only got one free hand (a nice man in the queue carried it for me), picking the right spot in a public venue to breastfeed when your baby takes a certain amount of boob waving to latch on, and the joys of the public changing room. However, MJ behaved immaculately, it was such a treat for me to see Jim in the middle of the day, and I was proud of myself for getting out and about.

Making life busy

From thereon I realised that making the working week bearable – even likeable – hinged on filling up my diary with social events to add structure to my days. For my first full week of solo parenting, I arranged 3-4 different coffee dates, and made a point of wandering into town when I was spending time at home, even if it was just to get some fresh air and buy a packet of biscuits.

Having something to look forward to made a massive difference, as it made time pass much quicker, and gave me something to chat to Jim about when he got home in the evening.

Taking a baby out and about proved surprisingly tiring, even if it was just for a slice of cake down the road, and I was very pleased when Friday evening came around. However, there was something quite liberating about living from day-to-day rather than planning ahead, and enjoying the little moments of interaction with my baby along the way.

Top tips for solo parenting

Although we’re only a couple of weeks into the working week solo parenting thing, I’ve already gained some valuable life lessons that I will surely add to going forward:

Set your own routine, and be as flexible as you want. If your baby was awake all night and decides to go back to sleep at 8:30, take a nap at the same time. There’s nothing wrong with going with the flow, so long as it doesn’t interfere with postnatal appointments

Set yourself one challenge per day, whether that’s meeting a friend for coffee or going to post a letter. It’ll give you something to aim for, and a sense of achievement when accomplished

Don’t be afraid to travel to meet people - the car is some sort of magic elixir that sends babies to sleep, and will quickly become your new best friend!

Talk to your baby during the day, or you’ll go insane from the lack of interaction. A couple of days I’ve found myself just chilling silently with the TV on not really chatting to Matilda, and when Jim’s got home I have fired questions at him to make up for the non-existent conversation!

Find family activities to keep you occupied. I’ve already been to a couple of breastfeeding clinics and am in the process of booking baby sensory and swimming classes for a few weeks down the line

Get a baby sling, as it’s the only way you will get anything accomplished at home! Or don’t, if you want a legitimate excuse for the house being a pig sty!

Make sure your partner understands that for every day they come home to a tidy house, sleeping baby and home cooked meal, there will be another day when you’re still in a dressing gown at 6PM with vomit in your hair and mess strewn around the living room. On the latter days they should just take the baby, pour a glass of wine for both of you and sit down for a family cuddle. The tidying up can wait til later; baby snuggles are the only thing that matter after a long hard day living your separate lives.