#back on this blog to talk shit about rob Thomas

[greenninjagal-blog]

Can you talk a bit about your miraculous au? I love the one shot so much and would sell my soul for more info!! I feel very sorry for Virgil and wonder what he’s going to do next?

I can definitely talk about my aus. The question is will I shut up about them before I reveal the whole plot. ;D

So in my miraculous au, which curious people can find [here], it centers around Dante Ekans and Virgil Storm and their complicated history. Through a series of accidents and really good timing, Dante discovered a bag of magic jewelry and accidentally becomes the new guardian of the miraculous, which are being tracked down by a specialized military force under the control of a high ranking executive who sees them as a way to conquer the world.

Dante is 100% ready to undermine the rules of society and so he messes around with each of the miraculous becoming friends with the kwamis until he meets Trixx and is like “oh yeah, shit, this is mine.” and then he starts testing the waters to see what he can get away with while being the Faux Fox: robbing banks that fund the special localize military forces, creating illusions to terrorize any forces in public areas, stopping petty crime that the soldiers refuse to. Government propaganda label his hero persona as a menace to society, but for growing pockets of people, he becomes a symbol of their hope.

Virgil is in love with Dante 120%. He actively ignores this fact most of the time. Dante also loves him back, but he’s convinced he missed his shot two years ago after he destroyed their friendship.

Logan runs a blog dedicated to free speech and uncensored reporting, which Dante discovered because the more he uses the Fox miraculous the more sensitive he gets to when people are deceiving others. He picks Logan to wear the Dragon Miraculous about five minutes after Virgil refuses to help him and then casually just...doesn’t take it back. Logan loves listening to Longg talk because they can have actually intellectually stimulating conversations.

Patton is perpetually filled with anger at the world, which is why Dante starts to notice him: he puts on a show of being a happy, pappy patton, underneath it he’s planning murder 9 times out 10. When the military starts sending soldiers to watch over the school (because they estimated that Faux Fox and Wyvern were high schoolers), Dante transforms into the fox and gifts Patton the Peacock Miraculous to turn everyone’s fears into undefeatable monsters that drive out the soldiers. He can also low level influence emotions the more he wears the broach. Patton and Duusu watch sad movies just to cry together, okay.

Roman only gets the bee miraculous because Dante was moving the locations of where he was hiding the miraculous and there was a fire that forced him to stash the jewelry and run to go save people, but unfortunately the bee dropped from the hiding spot and Roman noticed. Roman’s power actually turns out to be “Hivemind” which is once he activates it he has ten seconds to touch as many people as he can and all those people fall under his control, until he loses his miraculous or loses concentration. He challenges the Fox to a duel of who can be the better hero-- which gets interrupted by the military and they both have to scatter. 

It takes Dante all one day to figure out who has the bee comb, but when he goes to take it from Roman he overhears Pollen and Roman talking and....well... Dante doesn’t think that Roman made too bad of a hero. 

He regrets it the next week when Remus finds out that Roman has magic jewelry and demands a chance to take it for a spin. He has the ability called “Cling” which is something that actually bees have where he naturally builds up a negative charge which he can use to make things cling to him or make them cling to something or someone he touches. He and Pollen are cool, but Remus realizes after that first time that he’s not really...a good fit with the bee miraculous. Doesn’t stop him from being jealous of Roman, or from pestering his brother to let him borrow it to go jump off some buildings.

The first time Virgil puts on the butterfly brooch is a month later when the military decides the best course of action is to set a trap for the active miraculous users that involved real people and real guns. Without any other options the fox, the dragon, the peacock and the bee (Roman) jump in the protect and defend, without much of a decent plan. and Virgil realizes that if he doesn’t do something Dante will die. Lucky for him there happens to be another equally motivated person watching the chaos and just wishing to have the power to save his brother.

So Remus becomes Virgil’s first akuma, gifting him the abilities of minor creation in order to help the heroes escape. And then Dante has the nerve to laugh and say “Finally! I knew you would put it on some day!”

Cue immense rage from Virgil, that leads him to telling Remus that he can keep these powers if he just gets that necklace off the Fox. And Remus who has been wanting powers since forever, is like “neat!”

Virgil and Nooroo get along swimmingly just as long as Virgil doesn’t talk about why he’s so adamant about getting the Fox miraculous off of Dante or what he’ll do if he does, and Nooroo doesn’t ask questions about it. 

((That’s like the first “arc”. The second arc then starts covering how Dante found the miraculous, and what happened to the previous users. Specifically, Thomas Sanders the Ladybug miraculous wielder and the guardian. Lets just say that Joan shows up back from a trip across the world and finds out that Thomas supposedly gave a bunch of kids miraculous and they aren’t exactly happy  about it. New Battle for the Miraculous, anyone?))

(((I have some more things like Monkey miraculous wielder Talyn showing up and Dante and Virgil finally talking face to face about what happened two years ago that broke up their relationship. Roman, Logan, and Patton all end up in a relationship where they are keeping their miraculous a secret from each other and Remus’s lack of a miraculous becomes really important. Also... Did you know the ladybug miraculous...can be used for bad?? )))

So yeah!! I told you its hard to get me to shut up about my aus. I did some resigns for the boys that I’ll be dropping some time in the future hopefully [here]! Additionally, you’ll probably notice I hedged around the time limit of the miraculous purely because I haven’t decided if I like those rules. I might go more towards the more in sync you are with the miraculous the more time and power you have to do things, so people like Joan and Talyn can use their powers mulitple times without a recharge, where as Dante can go one big illusion, or several small ones before he needs a recharge.

[awkwardtaco056]

so now that i’m no longer in the Hell that was school and after finding the lovely blog @endcringe i’ve decided to talk about my own experiences with cringe culture, bullying, and why it’s Really Bad to not let people enjoy inherently harmless things, especially neurodivergent people (read more because this is gonna get long and triggering at times, TW for mentions of bullying, suicide, child abuse, a brief mention of incest shipping. I won’t be naming any of the peers that I discuss my experiences with, because my point with this post is Not to “cancel” anyone, I just want to speak out on my experiences)

I’m neurodivergent; I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 years old. I didn’t know a lot about it, and a family member even painted it as “oh it’s nothing blah blah blah just apply yourself more. Because of this, I had no idea about the concept of hyperfixations until I was in my late teens. Due to that, I would obsess over random things and my family would shame me relentlessly for it. My mother said I had an “addictive personality” and that she feared I’d end up a drug addict or alcoholic because of it.

I look younger than what I am, I’m short, and small. AKA, the perfect candidate for being picked on by people bigger and stronger than me. People made fun of my art when I was around 13, but fortunately that was an instance where spite fueled me to improve drastically. However, just because I happened to take the shitty comments and have it fuel me then does NOT mean bullying people will have that effect all the time. At some point someone put my old South Park fan art on a cringe blog. I was temporarily hurt, and a little angry, but I realized that if someone was making fun of a 15 year old’s art, they probably didn’t have much going for them in life, so I moved on.

Fast forward to high school. Everything was horrible and I’m not exaggerating when I say I barely made it out alive. I was living in an abusive household up until January 2018 and I found comfort in many different interests. I’ve always found great comfort in music and the arts in general. In 2016, I drew a picture of a mermaid. I was inspired by the chocolate opal gemstone, and I thought it’d be fun to draw a gay chubby mermaid with dark skin and a rainbow tail and freckles. Junior year was lousy and I wanted something that sparked Joy. I was immediately told that “scientifically, mermaids wouldn’t look like that. Mind you, my take looked like this:

Obviously I wasn’t going for realism, I just wanted to draw a cute mermaid. However, they continued to tell me that they wouldn’t look like that, going as far as writing so on the back of said drawing. When I got angry at her for taking it too far (as I’d established before that I didn’t like it when people wrote on my art without permission), they got angry back, accusing me of being unable to take criticism. Heated by the accusation, I went as far as asking my art teacher if it was fair for them to say that, and she said no, stating that constructive criticism would be talking about how I could improve my lineart and coloring in the digital version. I took her actual helpful criticism and since then have improved Drastically in digital art. Even with that being said, I found myself hesitant to participate in things such as MerMay because I was leery of hearing that peer berate me for having cartoony mermaids. 

 During high school I grew to love many musicians, a lot of emo/alternative stuff, a couple being Twenty One Pilots and Melanie Martinez. I love how unique TOP’s style is, their open discussion of mental illness, and as someone who had a rough childhood, I connected with every single song on Cry Baby. It was like nothing I’d ever heard. I started listening to mashups featuring all these different artists I love, adoring how they could change the tone and sound so drastically. A peer Bully of mine in junior year condemned these two artists, declaring that they made “Bad Music” simply because it didn’t fit their tastes. They’d throw my drawings on the ground, write over them in pen, steal my headphones so I couldn’t listen to music, push me around, complain that mashups sucked and gave them a headache, and in general shit all over conetnt that was actively preventing me from committing suicide. 

Some family members were no better. Once high school hit, I began listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance. Their deep complex lyrics stuck with me. I would write down quotes from my favorite songs and thanks to hyperfixating, I remember each studio album in order My mother resented when I fell in love with the “Emo Trinity” because “the Columbine  shooters were emo and that event traumatized me” Despite that, not only did the Columbine tragedy occur in 1999 and none of the bands got together until the early 2000s, but I have a pretty good feeling those groups aren’t For gun violence. The other side constantly criticized the fact that I love FOB, P!ATD, and MCR because I’m black and “why must you listen to that white people music.”

 I grew fond of Dan and Phil in high school (and I’m still a fan to this day!), I loved Phil’s kindness and positive aura and I deeply connect with Dan’s sense of humor and personality. Their content made me happy during some very dark times in my life. It’s November 2017, I’m over a close peer’s house at the time, and notice PINOF is upon us. I drew the PINOF whiskers on my face, my plan being to quietly watch them in the corner of peer’s bedroom on my phone through headphones, the others were doing their own thing and I knew they didn’t like them, so I thought they’d respect it if I silently indulged in it. Unfortunately, the complete opposite happened. I was immediately shunned and locked out of the bedroom, told that I’d only be let back in if I washed the whiskers off because “absolutely not”. Me, being stubborn, washed them off temporarily but drew them back on in the room. Life during then was especially bad for me, as the abusive household I was in was getting worse. They noticed, of course, and even though all I wanted was to enjoy this small tradition in a time during a deep depression, I was immediately shoved out the room and locked out, only to have said peer’s family members notice. I’m a relatively shy person, so this was honesty a really harrowing experience that had a lasting effect on me. 

I grew to adore Sanders Sides as well, but the moment I found out most of my peers didn’t like Thomas, I was terrified.  I stopped watching Dan and Phil’s content for months and shied away from other fandoms too, only occasionally indulging in times of complete solitude. One time when said peers were due to visit my house for the first time, I saw the Phandom and Fander stuff I’d hung up on my wall in my little sanctuary that was my bedroom (it was the first time in years I’d had my own room), and I was filled with panic and fear. I took them down and hid them away, genuinely terrified of what they’d do to me if they saw. It’s still incites so much anger in me to this day because they turned around and ended up shipping incest, but somehow liking D&P and Sanders Sides was So. Much. Worse.

They were baffled by my actions, despite having humiliated me Twice by going on a private blog of mine separate from everything so that I could fully indulge and laughing at everything on there, once at a peer’s house, once right in school. I don’t think they realized how traumatizing it was to have a large group of people in public laughing at something I was deeply self conscious about for all of my life. I put on a brave face at the time, but ended up crying in the bathroom after first period began. I continued to be treated as lesser until things came to an ugly head August 2018 when I ended up in the hospital because I nearly attempted suicide. Years of child abuse, bullying, and being deemed “cringy” made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive, that everyone would be happier if I were gone.

After arguably one of the lowest points in my life, I cut them off and slowly began to embrace the Real Me. I started letting myself enjoy the things again, made true friends and even found love, my first boyfriend ever at 18. I still get choked up retelling it, but when PINOF 10 dropped, after he found out how much I’d been hurt over the incident in 2017, I was greeted with a photo of him with the whiskers on his face. I cried for a while, blown away at such a pure act of kindness. He listens to me ramble about my interests, he compliments my taste in music, he watched K-12 with me. 

This got incredibly long, but my point is this: Cringe Culture hurts people. You might think it’s whatever if the Thing doesn’t apply to your interests, but content you’re denouncing as cringy could be something that’s keeping them alive, that one flicker of light in a void of darkness. When I was contemplating suicide, I listened to The Black Parade, repeating Gee’s words to myself over and over, that nothing in the world was worth hurting yourself over. Some friendly joshing here and there is okay, but actively ripping someone to shreds constantly to the point where they have a mental breakdown in front of you and later on plan their own demise is disgusting. Nobody should abuse anyone for having harmless interests, no one. Unless you’re participating in p*dophilic/inc*st/s*xual assault/inherently abusive ships/content and pretending it’s not bad because “Fiction doesn’t impact reality!”, you have every right to like what you like and be happy. Read homestuck. Play Undertale. Draw up the Wildest OCs you can imagine. And stay away from people who try to rob you of innocent fun, life is too short and in this cruel, unforgiving world, you deserve to be happy, whether you’re a 13 year old who draws cute furries, a 16 year old cosplayer on TikTok, a VSCO girl, a 30 year old who writes/draws self insert art or a 20 year old who adores Invader Zim. 

Cringe Culture is just bullying under a different name, and it can lead to many instances of people, especially fellow neurodivergent folk to feel isolated and ostracized. Attempting to bully someone out of an interest they have isn’t going to fix them; it’s more often than not going to cause more damage. I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and sometimes I still find myself trying to over-justify my interests. To all who are roped up in bad homes and lousy “friends” who berate you for your innocent passions, I’m sorry you’re suffering, things will one day get better even if it doesn’t feel like it, and fuck those people. I’d also like to note that sometimes even if it seems more terrifying, it’s better to have one or two close friends you can truly trust than a whole group that walks all over you. You have every right to call them out for treating you poorly, and if things don’t improve, you also have every right to leave.

You have a right to live your True Self.

[firelxdykatara]

1, 9 and 25 for the tv show/movie ask!

TOP FIVE TV SHOWS: This changes a lot but I’ll go with the most consistent ones I can think of!

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, it’s very dated, and yes, Joss Whedon ain’t shit, but this remains one of my all-time favorite shows, and Buffy Summers remains one of my favorite characters, and there are so many episodes I can watch again and again and never get bored. It has a magic to it that even Angel could never quite capture, and I always find myself going back to it when I’m not sure what to watch but just want something that I’ll enjoy.

2. Avatar: the Last Airbender: Obviously, given my blog name, I have a deep and abiding love for this series. Is it perfect? Of course not, and there are some major things I wish were different, but overall it’s an amazing show with fantastic characters and a brilliant overarching plot, and it manages to stand up to modern scrutiny even though it’s been over a decade since it finished airing.

3. The Nanny. To this day, The Nanny is probably my favorite sitcom of all time. It was released in the 90s, but unlike a lot of sitcoms of the era (Friends immediately comes to mind, though they weren’t the worst offender) the vast majority of its humor doesn’t rely on ‘no homo’ jokes or misogyny/transphobic gags. (There are some off-color jokes, of course--it was the nineties. But this is one of the few shows where I can watch 90% of the episodes without cringing.) Most of the humor is centered around Fran’s hilarious antics, and it’s still a show I can put on whenever I need a good laugh, and it will never disappoint.

4. Leverage. I just love this show so much. A bunch of thieves come together for a job with one (1) honest man to give them a plan, and suddenly they’ve become a family who steal from the rich to give to the poor and disenfranchised and I love every since one of them. Even Nate. Plus, the ot3 is real. Hitter Hacker Thief owns my goddamn soul.

5. Person of Interest. Listen, it was a fantastic show, and yeah it got a little weird near the end, and also Joss Carter deserved better, but it had two of the most fucking cathartic and viscerally satisfying villain deaths I have ever seen in my life. “Oh, no, I’m not gonna kill you--I’m just gonna watch.” and “Now I surrender.” Just.... poetic fucking cinema, ok???

TOP FIVE CHARACTERS: Same deal, this is a list that will change frequently, but these are my most consistent faves:

1. Elena Gilbert from The Vampire Diaries. Surprising absolutely no one who was around for my TVD fandom days, or who has seen me talking about anything TVD related, Elena fucking Gilbert is my girl forever and she deserved so much better. From the show and from the gods forsaken fandom. I’m not gonna get into it cause I don’t need to be dropping thousands of words for an ask meme post, but evidently Elena was the harbinger signaling my love for orphaned brunettes with doe eyes and pain hidden behind a smile, but I just love her so goddamn much and I always will.

2. Buffy Summers from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She saved the world. A lot. She’s my absolute favorite character from BtVS and frankly she deserved better, too--fuck absolutely everyone after Empty Places--but I just... love her so much. And her arc in season 6 means so much to me as someone constantly struggling with depression and ptsd (mine is related to childhood trauma, but that’s not beside the point). Buffy is far from perfect, and she makes mistakes, but she does the job literally no one else can do, and she’s so incredibly strong. I can’t imagine going through what she went through and not completely breaking down.

3. Emma Swan from Once Upon a Time. Ok, so not a brunette, but still a woman with severe abandonment issues who grew up believing she was an orphan and kept being punished by the show, and who definitely deserved better. (No, I’m not over the ending to season 4, and I never will be.) My one comfort is knowing that she fell in love with a man who loved and cherished and appreciated her just as much as she deserved, and she got to live a long and happy life with him and their daughter.

4. Katara from Avatar: the Last Airbender. Again probably not a surprise, given my blog, but I just. I love Katara so much. And she deserved so much better than what LoK reduced her to, and where the fuck was her statue, Bryke??? Where????? Anyway, she’s the ultimate Mom Friend who won’t hesitate to cut a bitch if they hurt her friends, and I just think she’s amazing.

5. Rogue from Marvel. Just... every version of her. Rogue was my favorite character from the original X-Men trilogy, which was my first real introduction to Marvel, and she was my favorite character in X-Men: Evolution, and by the time I finally got to actually read some of her comics I loved her even more. While I still love her in the original trilogy I also wish they’d given Anna Paquin more to work with, bc she sure fucking could have done it (and she’s even said she would’ve loved to be able to fly and punch people, and I 100% think she could’ve pulled off Rogue’s natural sass brilliantly), and she’s one of my all-time faves and has been for almost twenty years.

TOP FIVE SHIPS: -laughs nervously- i can only choose five???

1. Katara and Zuko from Avatar: the Last Airbender. Anyone who’s surprised, feel free to stand on your head. >.> LISTEN, OK, JUST LISTEN. Zuko and Katara had an amazing emotional journey in canon, and I love so much how their relationship developed, and there’s so much potential for how they could have grown as a couple and I just. This is why we have fanfic and fanart. (And frankly, I’m glad they weren’t canon--given what was done to the canon ships, I wouldn’t trust Bryke with them. I shudder to think what would’ve happened to Zutara if they were canon and Bryke was in charge of their story.)

2. Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls from Veronica Mars. Listen, we’re just gonna... ignore the last five minutes of 4x08 (and Rob Thomas can fucking bite me). I spent a decade loving these two utter fools and I finally got to see them get fucking married and they are going to live long and happy lives and Veronica’s always gonna Veronica but Logan loves her and she loves him and they’ll work through any problems they have together like mature, rational adults, and they’ll keep solving mysteries cause trouble sticks to V like a bad rash and Logan will always be there to help her, and nothing can take that away from me.

3. Emma Swan and Killian Jones from Once Upon a Time. Killian’s redemption arc is probably second only to Zuko’s, and I fucking love how much he loves Emma Swan. It’s what she deserves. They build each other up and love and cherish each other so goddamn much and I still get choked up just thinking about them. (Usually I pretend that their wedding went off without a hitch and s7 didn’t happen because there was REALLY no need. This trend of shows continuing after their female leads bail needs to stop, I’ve literally never seen it end in anything except the show being panned for however many seasons it ran after the lead’s departure, and rightfully so.)

4. Elena Gilbert and Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries. The show did them so fucking dirty in the later seasons, but fuck if those first four seasons of amazing development don’t still fuck me up. And however much TVD ran itself into the ground, I will always have Elena, and Delena, and my love for them despite how awful the show became.

5. Rikki Chadwick and Zane Bennett from H2O: Just Add Water. Season 3 can bite me, Rikki and Zane were happy together and Zane had so much growth from the jackass he was at the beginning of season 1, and no way would he have cheated on Rikki even for a moment. They deserved so much better my gods.

[tlbodine]

A Decade of Horror Recommendations: Millennium Edition

After my 2010s horror recs post, @comicreliefmorlock asked me to do some for older films. So I figured I’d just work my way backward. 

The lists might get a bit shorter and less diverse as I go back in time as I’m not as well-versed in older horror films, but I’ll toss out some recommendations for what I’ve seen and maybe some will be new to you anyway :)

Long post under the cut! 

2000: A Surprisingly Good Year for Horror 

Maybe we don’t think of the Y2K year as a big one for the horror genre, but it was still riding the tail end of the slasher/teen horror revival. Some must-sees:

Final Destination: I’ve written pretty extensively about this movie and it’s no surprise that I like it a lot, even if the sequels get downright ridiculous. The original still stands on its own feet. 

Ginger Snaps: Maybe one of the best werewolf movies, period. Smart writing and a strong female cast as an added bonus. 

American Psycho: Did you know this came out in 2000? I honestly always thought it was older, somehow, maybe because by the time I watched it in college it seemed like everyone had seen it. Fun fact: did you know it was directed by a woman? 

What Lies Beneath: Part psychological horror, part drama-thriller, and sporting a surprisingly A-list cast. It has some well-worn tropes, but it’s a solid watch. 

Battle Royale: Speaking of movies that seem like they’re way older than they are, did you know Battle Royale only came out in the year 2000? 

There were a smattering of Asian imports in 2000 but none of them quite got their feet under them. I will make a shout-out/honorable mention here for Blood: The Last Vampire, an anime film that’s pretty well-known and gets referenced a lot. 

2001: The Beginning of the End (for a little while)

Some solid stand-alone titles came out this year, but it also was the start of when the 90s revival started to dwindle down, I feel, with plenty of disappointments to go around. Scary Movie didn’t help much (and it also launched a whole trend of really awful spoof movies, which tried real hard to kill the comedy genre for a long time, imo). Anyway, some recs! 

Jeepers Creepers: The director is an unfortunate sack of shit, but the movie is quite good. The first part, which draws heavily from a true story, is especially chilling. 

Thirteen Ghosts: An underrated gem. The plot twists too much for my liking, but the ghost designs are super cool and the whole concept of the house is neat. A+ for originality. 

The Devil’s Backbone: Maybe my favorite Guillermo Del Toro film, and a damn good ghost story to boot. 

Suicide Club: A Japanese import that feels a bit ahead of its time in terms of pop culture (and internet culture especially). Features a couple of squick-heavy scenes I still struggle to watch (but, like, in a good way). 

Ichi the Killer: Another Japanese import and my introduction to Takashi Miike, who makes me more viscerally uncomfortable than just about anyone. 

It’s also probably worth mentioning From Hell, the Johnny Depp movie about Jack the Ripper, which many people enjoyed. I personally strongly dislike the film for reasons I can’t fully explain. 

2002: Wait, That’s When That Movie Came Out? 

I feel like 2002 was a big year for me in the “movies I enjoy but didn’t watch until years later” department, probably because I was a teenager with minimal access to decent cinema. It was also a rocking good year for Japanese horror. 

28 Days Later: A movie that brought about the return of zombies in a big way, and also introduced (or at least popularized) fast zombies. Also it’s super scary. 

May: I don’t even know if May counts as horror, but it’s a dark, quirky movie that I try to make everyone watch because I love it so much. 

Ghost Ship: Honestly the bulk of the movie is pretty forgettable, but the opening scene is one of my favorite moments in gory cinematic history. 

Signs: M. Night Shyamalan’s last decent movie or his first shitty one, depending on who you ask. I liked it a lot when I first watched it, and it started to fall apart more and more as I got older. 

Ju-On: The Grudge: One of the better-known Japanese horrors and one whose tropes still get referenced and re-used. Skip the 2004 remake and watch the original trilogy. 

The Ring: Probably the best-known Japanese horrors and maybe the import that put “Japanese horror” into public consciousness. 

There was a lot of shlocky dreck in 2002, some of it decent (Cabin Fever) and some of it downright awful (Pinata: Survival Island/Demon Island). I should also mention Red Dragon, based on Thomas Harris’s novel of the same name, which quite a few people liked (I’ve only seen it once but I recall being underwhelmed). Also an honorable mention to Dog Soldiers, which I have not seen but which I hear frequently recommended as an A+ werewolf film. 

2003: Wow that’s a lot of dreck 

Look fam nobody said these film recs would be objective. There were a ton of horror movies that came out in 2003, I just didn’t really like hardly any of them. Some exceptions: 

Willard: The movie that made me want to start keeping rats as pets, which says more about me than it does the film. It’s a great movie, though, the first thing I ever saw Crispin Glover in (and god, he’s amazing), and one of the few films that I think is better than the book. 

Identity: A pretty decent psychological horror starring John Cusack. Watch this and 1408 together as a double-feature for maximum fun factor. 

House of 1000 Corpses: Look, if you’re reading this blog, you probably already have an opinion one way or another of Rob Zombie. The movie’s on the list because it’s arguably historically important, not because it’s objectively good. 

A few other notable moments from 2003 included a Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (just watch the original, but if you insist on a remake, this is one of the better ones), the second Final Destination film (the last good one in the franchise), the Jeepers Creepers sequel, Freddy vs Jason, Darkness Falls, and Dreamcatcher. Like I said, there were lots of movies that came out this year, I just don’t think they were very good. 

2004: Oops we created torture porn 

I was in college at this point, which meant I was watching less horror than at any other moment in my life (I had a roommate who really hated scary movies) so maybe that’s why I haven’t heard of the majority of movies that came out that year. Or maybe they were all just really bad, hence why I still haven’t seen them. Hmmm. But! A few shining stars: 

Saw: Obviously a classic. I’m lukewarm about the franchise, but the original is an excellent film and well worth watching, especially given the impact it would have on the next many years of horror cinema. 

Shaun of the Dead: Hilarious, and honestly one of my favorite zombie films of all time. 

Dumplings: A Korean important you likely missed in 2004 but may have seen in a Three Extremes compilation. Well worth the watch if you’re not squeamish. 

Otherwise 2004 was pretty lackluster. Some forgettable franchise installments, some shlocky creature features, some unnecessary remakes. Lots of titles I’m unfamiliar with, though, too, so somebody tell me if I missed a big one that year! 

2005: Ehhhh

Just a couple important titles this year too: 

Hostel: Not a great movie. In fact, pretty damn campy. But an important one to watch to understand the torture porn genre. 

The Devil’s Rejects: See above re: House of 1000 Corpses. Hit or miss but a well-liked film by Rob Zombie fans. 

And  you know what, I think that’s actually it. I mean there were other movies -- a remake of The Fog,  the infinitely predictable Hide and Seek, the second Saw installment, and of course Doom. But it just wasn’t a great year for horror, imo. One shout-out here though for Wolf Creek, which is on my to-watch list; I haven’t seen it so I can’t vouch for it, but it does get recommended to me a lot. 

2006: Mostly more of the same 

Did we seriously have a Saw movie every year in the 2000s or what? No wonder everybody got sick of them and thought all horror was torture porn for a while. Talk about market saturation. 

Anyway, some shout-outs: 

Stay Alive: This movie is ridiculous, but I love it a lot. It’s about a video game that kills you in real life, and is a more successful video game movie than most actual adaptations. 

ReCycle: An Asian import. I missed this one entirely when it came out, but it’s one of my favorites to have discovered in later years. It’s a seriously cool movie, both fanciful and deeply uncomfortable. Content warning for abortion, but it’s not what you think. 

Otherwise, just some mostly soulless remakes (The Omen, The Hills Have Eyes, The Wicker Man), some franchise installments (Saw III, Final Destination 3, The Grudge 2). I will give an honorable mention to Black Sheep, which is so-bad-it’s-good ridiculous, and to that cult favorite Slither. 

2007: Wait, is horror getting good again?

Well, not quite, but we’re back on the map with some promising additions in a year where the genre seemed to be struggling to rediscover its identity: 

The Mist: One of the better Stephen King adaptations. 

30 Days of Night: A divisive entry in the canon, but a pretty interesting piece to study for anyone interested in vampires. 

28 Weeks Later: Not exactly a direct sequel to the earlier 28 Days Later, and probably not as good of a film, but pretty good in its own right. 

1408: Watch this one with Identity (see above) and enjoy a night of John Cusack going crazy in hotel rooms. 

The Orphanage: One of my favorite horror films of all time, both deeply unsettling and agonizingly sad. 

Paranormal Activity: The highest-grossing film of all time thanks to its low budget. Also what we can blame for the burst of popularity in the “found footage” style. 

Dead Silence: A movie that still frequently gets recommended and delivers some solid spooks. I’m not as fond of it as a lot of people, but it deserves a mention for how often it gets referenced (and for playing “killer ventriloquist dummies” straight as a trope). 

Trick r Treat: A Halloween classic. 

Of course the year brought us another Saw and another Hostel, a contentious Halloween reboot, another stab at I Am Legend (often adapted, rarely well), and a smattering of other sequels. I have not seen The Girl Next Door but based on how rarely I hear it recommended compared to the book, I imagine I’m not missing much. Borderlands was OK but, for my money, forgettable. Oh, there was also Grindhouse, a double feature which I quite enjoyed (I saw it in theaters, where it came with a warning for length, which I found amusing) but which history does not seem to have remembered positively. 

2008: Did Somebody Order a Recession? 

Back to slim pickings, although I admittedly have not seen most of the films released that year (I was pretty damn broke in 2008, so maybe that’s why). Still: 

Let the Right One In: Skip the later English remake, you cowards, and watch this with subtitles. It’s so good. SO GOOD. An unexpected twist on the vampire story, and kind of a romance to boot. Sort of. In a really messed up way. 

Cloverfield: A couple things are neat about Cloverfield. One, it was an early adopter and trope-setter for found-footage movies. Two, it successfully spawned a franchise where none of the movies feel related at all. Three, it launched with some really cool viral marketing that was utterly ahead of its time. On the downside, the shaky cam may in fact make you vomit if you get seasick easily. 

Repo! The Genetic Opera: A classic. Also may in fact be the only film of its kind, or at least the only rock-opera scifi-horror that comes to mind. 

I haven’t seen Pontypool, though it’s on my watch-list -- I’ve heard it’s quite good. Ditto Tokyo Gore Police which delivers, to my understanding, exactly what it says on the tin. Speaking of movies I didn’t see, can we take a moment to appreciate that a film called “Sauna” with the tagline “cleanse your sins” came out this year? Jfk 2008, are you OK? 

2009: Why are all the best horrors comedies this year 

It really does become obvious just how much the genre was floundering to figure out what it was doing the latter half of the decade, because the movies are so weirdly hit-or-miss. I do have some favorite hidden gems, though, alongside a couple well-known recs: 

Zombieland: A genuinely funny feel-good zombie comedy-horror, feeding right into a growing cultural fascination with zombies. 

Jennifer’s Body: Is this a comedy? Is this a horror? What is this? I’m not sure how to classify it but I sure do like it. 

Antichrist: Ok I don’t know if this is a recommendation per se, but if I had to watch this with my own eyes, I’m making y’all watch it too. Have you ever wondered what it might look like to watch a filmmaker have a psychotic break while making a movie? That’s almost literally what this film is. 

The Human Centipede: This is a cop-out because I have not watched these movies and I in fact refuse to watch these movies because the premise is fucking stupid, but I will acknowledge the historical, ah, importance? of this film in the greater scheme of 21st century horror. 

Dread: One of my favorite movies, and the film I recommend to anyone who wants to watch a torture film done right. I love the shit out of this movie. Please go watch this movie. 

Grace: Deeply disturbing and pulling approximately zero punches. It’s one of the best films to tread the “horrors of motherhood” territory, which is saying something because that’s very fertile (ha, ha) ground. 

I actually have not seen Drag Me to Hell or The Last House on the Left, although people have recommended both to me. Anyone want to chime in with how good they might be? I also want to make a shout-out to Daybreakers, which I feel like nobody ever talks about but which actually has one of the most fascinating vampire concepts I’ve ever seen on film. The movie itself is kind of boring and forgettable, but the idea is really neat. 

And that wraps up my journey through the 2000s in horror. Next decade: The 90s, coming right up! 

[sammyhale]

J2 Main Panel SeaCon 2017

Boys joke around with Rob and Rich. 

Talking about their kids. Jensen jokes that three is the magic number apparently lol. 

Jared talks about being daddy to a daughter. Jensen points and laughs :P

They wrap on Wednesday the 26th for s12. Some cool stuff coming up, they read the last couple episodes. Jared didn’t expect it to go where it went. “Writers are surprising me still.” 

Fan to Jared: What conditioner do you use? Jensen gets up and acts like he’s paying the fan for asking that lol. 

Jensen: Inquiring minds want to know. Jared laughs: I spent many years just kind of using whatever is available. Jensen mocks him. Jared: I see you on the TV! Jensen: Good!

Jared does bunny ears to Jensen so it appears on screen. Jared: Beanie conditioner. That’s my secret trick. 

Jensen won’t let it go lol. Jensen: Answer her question. Do you use conditioner? Jared: Yeah if it’s there. Jensen: Every time you shampoo? Audience: Ohh! Jared: Ooh, shit just got real! Jensen: Do you shampoo then conditioner? Jared: I’m thinking! Says he used the hotel shampoo and conditioner. Jensen: Ahh there it is!! 

Jared squeezes Jensen’s chest. After touching him: There’s Jensen on me. 

Advice for people that constantly fuck up. Jensen jokes: Stop. Jared: You can’t stop. I mean it, y’all are gonna make a mistake. Jared talked with his psychiatrist about being concerned he’s gonna mess up his kids. The doctor told him he would. Jared: That’s not reassuring! The doctor said the point is you have a mindset that you’ll look at whatever the mistake was and figure out the why and where it came from and forgive yourself.

Jensen: However, don’t just forgive yourself and then continue, learn from your mistakes. Jared nods in agreement. 

Favorite season finale to film? Jared says finale are very hard because they’re exhausting and then it’s the biggest ep of the year. 

Jensen talks about the end of s1 when Baby gets hit with them inside. The three Winchester men and the car in peril. 

At that time they didn’t know they were coming back, so it was weird saying goodbye to the crew and the characters, not knowing. Instead of recent seasons, where they know they are getting ready (thanks for s13). 

Jensen asks Jared hardest finale to film for him. Jared says s8. Jensen: I’m gonna speak for both of us and say we haven’t filmed it yet. That’s gonna be a tough one. 

Jared: Do any of y’all want to visit during the series finale? 

Jared wants to raise money for charity and all watch it together somewhere. 

(At some point): Fan: I’m a really big Jensen fan. Jared: I am, too.

A fan said they had heard that during a scene where Jared died in his arms, when they called cut Jensen continued holding Jared and crying; fan wants to know if that’s true? Jensen admits that it’s true, tries to say he just had something in his eye, though, lol <3 

Jared: We care about Sam and Dean just as much as you guys do. We want to make sure to give them the gravity they deserve. 

Jensen talks about how in your mind you know it’s not real, but your body doesn’t know. Says that Jared brought up an interesting point about how it feels where you go through something traumatic and emotional and how it has an effect on you. It impacts the viewer; it also impacts J2 when they read it in the script. They use that to portray it during the scene. There is real emotion that lives inside of them and it’s not just the character’s emotion. Sometimes it’s hard to turn off. Can’t just tell your body to stop. 

Jared to Jensen: When do you feel like in performing Dean’s lines it took over you the most? Jared says he has an idea which scene, but wants to know what Jensen’s answer is. Jensen says it was when Dean talks to Sam about hell and Jared says yeah, that’s what he was thinking. Jensen had to walk it off. Jared’s was Croatoan, when he couldn’t shut off the tears.

Jared gives an emotional fan some love, reminds her that everyone in the room is her family and has her back.

How do they feel about JDM as Negan on The Walking Dead? They are very proud. Jensen: We both know Jeff very well and he’s a sincerely kind and beautiful man. To play that much of a badass, I was proud because he killed it. He’s that talented. That made his two sons very proud. Jared: Yeah. Similar but slightly different reaction: Man, I am such a better hunter than dad. He’s having trouble with zombies??

The boys perform a scene from The Walking Dead, making fun of how easy it would be to deal with the walkers. Jared plays the zombie. Jensen plays “anyone take your pick” Jensen just walks away while zombie!Jared stumbles around. 

Jared: Very proud of him, love Jeff! 

Jensen talks about a scene where Negan is shooting at people. Jared teases him about spoilers. Jensen: Have you seen Titanic? It sinks. Jared: Three hours of my life. Jensen: Wish someone would have told me that. 

Regarding the SPNFamily, they felt it was a family after doing some of the conventions. Jensen says years ago he realized it wasn’t just about the actors or people onstage, that there were people coming together because of a common theme or thing that they all had in common. Their love for this show and characters. 

Jared agrees. Says it’s his favorite part about coming to cons. You’re here hanging out with your friend, it’s not just about us. When he sees people that met because of the show or conventions it warms his heart. He thinks about friends he’s made going to Pearl Jams concerts and music festivals. Loves to see those connections.

Even little, sweet moments, like earlier in Jared’s m&g when a mother and daughter were sitting three seats apart and one of the other fans moved just so they could sit together. Jared loves that: we’re all here ‘cause we love each other. 

Jensen talks about fans meeting on the internet, “chatrooms and blog spaces...” The boys didn’t know about Richard Speight’s #DickChat he’s being doing on Creation Entertainments Snapchat all weekend. When the fans yell Dickchat at them, their faces are priceless. Jensen: I’m not sure we’re talking about the same thing anymore. Jared: Oh, Richard!

Asked about favorite Disney movies? Jared says Jensen’s is The Little Mermaid. Jensen: Don’t knock Ariel.

Jared: I wrote a paper on this in high school. The Lion King. Says it was more than a guilty pleasure. Jensen is smiling and shaking his head. Jared wanted to be JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas). He wrote a paper how on Star Wars, The Lion King and the movie The Natural and the archetypes in all those stories. Jared: And now I get to play a character that gets to play similar archetypes. 

Jared to Jensen: Sing? Or Elsa? Jensen: At this point it is whatever my daughter’s favorite movie is. The good thing is that it changes weekly. Right now it’s Sing. Out of all the songs she only wants to hear the rock song the character Ash sings. Jensen just has to tap his foot and JJ busts out into song.

Jensen: If I have to pick one of the classics, maybe Aladdin. You know why? ‘Cause I can show you the world. Jared facepalms. Jensen: In shining shimmery splendor. Jared: Tell me- Jensen: Princess, now when did you last let your heart decide? BOOM! 

Jared says that if his three-year-old is having a tantrum, he plays the 

Jared my three year old if he’s having a tantrum I’ll play the Pineapple Pen song and it calms him down lol. 

Jensen: Don’t look it up. Save yourself. So disturbing. 

Fan asks if they or Sam and Dean would consider giving up humanity for powers, like angel or demon? Jared: No. Jensen shakes head in agreement. Jared says one of the themes Jared really enjoys is what it’s like to be ultimately powerful or flawed. Loves the humanity on the show and struggling with what it is to be human. Wouldn’t trade imperfection for perfection. 

Jared notices that Jensen is smiling to himself about something. Jared: What are you thinking about because you have a weird look on your face? Jensen was thinking about a reference to Young Frankenstein he made while Jared was answering the question. 

They start whispering and laughing to each other. 

Jensen says he wants to do the Young Frankenstein “Puttin’ on the Ritz” where Dr. Frankenstein and the Creature are singing together (YouTube clip from the movie). Jensen set its up impersonating Frankenstein and Jared finishes impersonating the Creature. Jensen: Yes!! Dear diary, it finally happened 

Jared would bring Ruby back from the dead. Jensen: Dad. 

Asked about favorite dance moves. Jared does one and starts giggling. J2 start dancing on stage togehter!! Cracking up. 

Fan: Best day of my life! 

Jensen: Ahh cramp, cramp! Jared: Pulled a hammy!

Jared did “fancy feat” and Jensen did the Running Man into the Roger Rabbit.

Fan asks J2 about the s1 UK “Scary Just Got Sexy” promo they did. Jared holds up the fan’s iPad to the camera so everyone can watch it onscreen (link to promo). 

J2 start dancing on stage again. 

Jared: That was scary and sexy. Jensen I remember that ad. J2: together: Scary. Just. Got. Sexy.

For that ad they brought the woman in white back and it was shot in Vancouver. Jensen remembers because the budget was small and it wasn’t visual effects of the blood coming down the wall. It was real. When it comes down the wall Jensen didn’t move away quickly enough the first time and they had to clean up his leather jacket. He had to hurry away so it wouldn’t happen again lol. Jared: Thanks for the trip down memory lane. 

Jensen talks about how it’s not difficult for them to include changes in their characters because they have experienced what the characters have gone through from performing them on camera. Makes it easier to add those things into the character. Jensen says that the characters never really change; they grow in wisdom and experiences but their core has always been solid and the foundation of who they are and the show. 

Jared agrees, says they aren’t method actors but, for example, in a couple hours they’re gonna head back to Vancouver so they can be up at 6 the next day and they will spend 12-14 hours filming maybe two minutes of screen time. So during shooting they are living in the moment. They also encourage each other while filming, like saying hey, do that again, etc. Says that most of the writers are new; a good, talented writer will look at Jensen and Jared and write the characters based on the sensibilities J2 bring to them. 

Acting advice: Jared: Just act. Go to a local theater, do it with your buddies, put it on YouTube, do it to perform. You can tell a story, entertain, enlighten; don’t forget why you’re acting. Jensen brings up Steven Spielberg and how he started out with his dad’s 8mm camera just making stories he loved. We can do that with phones. Put stuff out there. Work begets work. 

Jared: Whoever you are, you have a story to tell. Figure that out and tell it. Like with he and Jensen with Sam and Dean Winchester. 

Favorite part about being parents? Jensen: Many things. One that comes to mind immediately, something as simple as taking my asleep three and a half year old and carrying her up the stairs to bed. That does it for me. 

Jensen: Recently they were in Dallas visiting his family. Staying downtown went to the aquarium, and halfway through JJ fell asleep in his arms. It was about a mile back to the hotel. Uphill. Carried her the entire way. She’s like 40 pounds but dead weight and wrapped him. His dad asked if he wanted him to take over. Jensen said, Nope, I got this. Really cool moment. 

Jared says he loves the little things, too. He and Jensen have had some really cool life experiences. Meet all sorts of people, lots of travelling. Jared says in his 34 years he’s been very blessed, and it’s human nature to get jaded and turn it into “well, that’s just life.” However, with his kids, he gets to re-experience things for the first time. Like a butterfly flying. The kids love it and it’s exciting again. Living life over again and re-experiencing how wonderful it really can be. The wonder that his kids have is infectious. He learns from them as much as he hopes they learn from him. 

Jared mentions the weird crazy room and the ball lights. Jensen laughs. Jared grabs Jensen’s shoulder and shakes him a little while laughing.

During the last question, “Kmart” (aka Kreespa) offers to film the girl onstage. Jared asks Kmart if she knows her; she doesn’t. Jared brings back what he was saying about how the fandom has that connection with each other and offers to do things like that and how cool it is. 

Last question: How does it feel to be a part of this the family? Jared: for me it’s humbling. To feel a connection to somebody and how it reminds him to see the best in people and in himself. Small random acts of kindness. It’s a neat blessing.

Jensen: Yeah, humbling is certainly a great word to describe it. Also, accountability. I could be selfish and live my life for me. I know that I can’t do that because I have children. My life just isn’t mine anymore. I get to share it with so many more people. He is fueled by that inspiration. 

Richard tells them about Dickchat. Jensen: I thought we moved on from that. Rob: You never move on. Richard records them for Snapchat. Jared gives a thumbs up in front of the audience and cracks up when Jensen yells “Dickchat!” into Richard’s phone lol. 

Info via: Fangasm, Jess, Kristin, Sil’s livetweet list, StageIt livestream

[dubsism]

Today’s Movie: A Few Good Men

Year of Release: 1992

Stars: Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore

Director: Rob Reiner

This movie is not on my list of essential films.

NOTE: This installment of Movies Everybody Loves That I Hate is being done as part of something called the William Goldman Blog-A-Thon being hosted by Taking Up Room.  Her premise for this event is rather simple.

In 2018, film and letters lost the great William Goldman. As far as movies go, he’s remembered best for The Princess Bride, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, and All the President’s Men, but his filmography also includes such classics as Heat and A Bridge Too Far.

Mr. Goldman was a master of dialogue, and anyone who’s seen The Princess Bride or Butch Cassidy knows that the lines are endlessly quotable. His prose style was colorful and direct, embodying what Mark Twain said about words: “The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug.”

Goldman wrote with lightning.

Frankly, I think he wrote with the whole fucking thunderstorm.  This movie is a great example.

You can see all the participants in this blog-a-thon here.

The Connection to William Goldman:

William Goldman did an uncredited re-write of Aaron Sorkin’s original screenplay for “A Few Good Men.” There was a time when before Sorkin snorted half the gross domestic product of Colombia that I considered him to be a talented writer, this film helped end that.  If it weren’t for Goldman’s re-write, It would have taken Marine Corps-level discipline to sit through this movie.  I can’t imagine what a hot mess this script must have been before the application of Goldman’s lightning.

Goldman’s re-working of this script made the finished film only flawed, not completely unwatchable like the original draft would have been. The film pulls this off because Goldman made the flaws he couldn’t fix almost imperceptible to the untrained eye. However, I can see them, because I spent the first half of my life around the military; I grew up on U.S. Air Force bases, then served myself as evidenced by the most recent blog-a-thon hosted by myself and RealWeegieMidget Reviews.

The problem isn’t that “A Few Good Men” isn’t a bad movie; it’s actually pretty good. For purposes of full disclosure I can’t stand Rob Reiner, Demi Moore, or the multi-talentless Tom Cruise, but they somehow managed to make a pretty damn good movie despite each other. That’s all about William Goldman; his re-write saves this movie from a lot of Aaron Sorkin’s “land of make-believe” crap. The remnants of that are what really chap my ass about this movie.  It goes out of it’s way to be anti-military, so much so it so at times it doesn’t make any sense.

1) Don’t Even Try To Tell Me Colonel Nathan Jessup Isn’t Supposed To Be Oliver North

In America, people of a certain ideological persuasion made Marine Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North a political boogey-man because he was involved in a bunch of clandestine shenanigans during the Reagan administration.  The problem was as much as they would have liked, the American Left couldn’t hang anything criminal on the guy. The Iran-Contra hearings dominated the news when I was in college in 1987, and the way they played out didn’t give the left ending they wanted; largely because they never been able to tell the difference between unethical and illegal.

They wanted those hearings to end just they way “A Few Good Men” did, North was supposed go apoplectic and rat out everybody while simultaneously falling on his own sword. n 1987.  That didn’t happen, which is exactly why Sorkin and the Hollywood fantasy machine cranked out a Marine colonel they could convict.

2) Colonel Jessup Would Have Been In Deep Shit Well Before The Courtroom Scene

There’s two things Jessup says during the “breakfast” scene in Guantanamo which which have had his hide on a high rack curing in the Cuban sun. First, the comment about the Navy and their “faggoty white uniforms” would have certainly landed him in some hot water; there’s no way two Judge Advocate General (JAG) officers aren’t going to fill in Jessup’s superiors about that.  But what would really brought him some heavy weather was the comment about “there’s nothing quite like getting a blow-job from a superior, officer but until a woman gets elected president, I’m going to have to settle for cold showers.”

1992 may have been nearly three decades ago, but it wasn’t the stone age. A comment like that directed at a female JAG officer would have had Jessup at the very least getting a formal reprimand, even possibly facing a formal charge of conduct unbecoming  an officer, which under the Uniform code of Military Justice is a very serious charge.  Don’t forget the Department of the Navy had just endured the “Tailhook” scandal the year before, so there would have been a dramatically heightened sensitivity to any untoward behavior directed at a woman.

3) Colonel Jessup’s “Boss” Would Not Be The President

In other words, Jessup had delusions of grandeur if he thought he needed to go all the way to the Oval Office to get his horn honked. You have to understand that after 9/11, the role of Guantanamo Bay changed dramatically.  Before then, Guantanamo Bay was a back-water for the USMC; the commander of the Marine security regiment there would not report directly to the president.  There would have been a chain of command up through the Marine Corps, the Department of the Navy, and the Pentagon.  In other words, there would have been a lot of brass between Jessup and the White House.

That brings us to the first part of this movie which makes no sense.  According to the movie, Colonel Jessup is about to me named the Director of the National Security Agency…oh by the way, that’s the organization Oliver North worked for…I’m sure that’s purely coincidental.  In any event, a guy like Jessup about to be given such a plum appointment wouldn’t be waiting in the wings in Guantanamo, he’d already be a staff officer at Quantico or the Pentagon.  In 1992, the guy commanding  the Marines in Guantanamo likely would have been a colonel who scored some major points in 1991’s Gulf War and just needed one last “cush” assignment before retirement.

4) That’s Just The Beginning

Throughout this movie, there’s a fundamental misunderstanding of how the chain of command works.  It all starts with the assertion that PFC Santiago broke the chain of command in an attempt to get transferred out of Guantanamo.  At this point, Jessup orders Santiago’s commanding officer, Lieutenant Kendrick to train Santiago to become a better Marine. Meanwhile Jessup’s executive officer Lieutenant Colonel Matthew Markinson believes Santiago should be transferred, but there’s some links missing in the chain…

5) Where Are The Sergeants?

This movie needed Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Highway, who would have had this situation squared away in no time.

In the trickle down from Jessup to Santiago, we’ve skipped a few people. As a lieutenant, Kendrick would have been a platoon commander, and the standard Marine rifle company is commanded by a captain and consists of three platoons.  In other words, Jessup and Markinson should have been talking to Santiago’s company commander, who in turn would address the issue with platoon commander Kendrick.

But the most glaring omission is the complete lack of a sergeant.  The rifle squad is the fundamental component in the construct of Marine infantry; every rifle platoon consists of three to five squads, each of which is led by a sergeant.  The sergeant is the rank of leadership closest to the men, which is why there’s an old saying about wars being planned by generals, but are won by sergeants.  Think about it…how many other movies about the Marine Corps have you seen with no mention of a sergeant?

The point here is that the ultimate responsibility for training and/or disciplining Private Santiago would have fallen on his squad leader, not some Lance Corporal and dimbulb Private First Class.

6) Speaking of which, PFC Downey Is Easily The Dumbest Fictional Marine EVER

First of all, that’s quite an accomplishment considering he has to beat out Gomer Pyle and his his equally-dunderheaded squad leader, Sergeant Carter. At least Pyle has an affable southern charm to him, but the bristle-headed Carter can’t figure out how to out-smart Pyle.

Then there’s the matter of Downey.  If it weren’t for him, they would have all skated on all the charges, because he’s the one who can’t keep his story straight.  Under cross-examination, Downey spills the beans that he wasn’t actually present when  Lance Corporal Dawson received the supposed “Code Red” order.  That admission leads to a series of events which not only starts the unraveling of cover-up surrounding Santiago’s death, culminating with Markinson admitting that Jessup lied about ordering Santiago’s transfer.  However, since Markinson feels guilty about failing to protect a Marine under his command, rather than testify he commits suicide.

But the worst part comes at the end when Downey can’t understand why after being cleared of the murder charge, he still found guilty of “conduct unbecoming” and ordered to be dishonorably discharged.  Even after Dawson explains it to him, you can tell he still doesn’t grasp the severity of his own actions.

7) Markinson Doesn’t Make Sense Either

Before he eats his pistol, Lieutenant Colonel Markinson pulls a disappearing act during which it becomes known he was trained in counter-intelligence.  That means he knew how to pull of some sneaky shit (again, just like Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North…again I’m sure that’s coincidental).  That also means he could have done several things rather that waiting to be swirled into Jessup’s problems.

He could have used back-channels Jessup would have never known about to get a transfer for Santiago from levels above Jessup. He could have dimed-out Jessup in ways that would not have required him to testify and admit his role in this mess.  Most importantly, as Jessup was about to be named the Director of the National Security Agency, Markinson’s whole raison d’être as Jessup’s executive officer (who just so happened to be trained in counter-intelligence) would have been to make sure problems like Santiago never rose to the level of taking down a guy like Jessup.

8) This Movie Could Be The Epicenter of the “Six Degrees Of Kevin Bacon” Universe

We all know the game “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” which postulates that any actor can be linked to Kevin Bacon by forming a chain from movies in which they’ve appeared, then through movies somebody who appeared in the original movie, and so on and so forth using less than six links in the chain.

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There’s really no denying there’s no shortage of familiar faces in this film, some of which have impressive IMDB pages.

9) There’s No Way That Ending Happens In Real-Life

I’m sorry, but as for entertaining as it is, the scene of Colonel Jessup snapping a bolt and charging like a bar-room brawler just wouldn’t happen.  Once of the central components of the training of military officers is impulse control.

In battle, impulsiveness can be fatal. Not to mention, nobody who makes it to the rank of colonel is dumb enough to hand over his own head on a platter like Jessup does. Despite what you may want to believe, nobody is egotistic enough to sentence themselves to a dishonorable discharge and  life imprisonment.

Conclusion:

Watching this movie with a Marine is like letting your wife look at her wedding ring with a jeweler’s loop.  Once the flaws are seen, there’s no putting the genie back in the bottle.

You can see all the movies I hate here.

Got a question, comment, or just want to yell at us? Hit us up at  dubsism@yahoo.com, @Dubsism on Twitter, or on our Pinterest,  Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat or Facebook pages, and be sure to bookmark Dubsism.com so you don’t miss anything from the most interesting independent sports blog on the web.

Movies Everybody Loves That I Hate – Episode 6: “A Few Good Men” Today's Movie: A Few Good Men Year of Release: 1992 Stars: Tom Cruise, Jack Nicholson, Demi Moore…

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 38 - STL - Bitter Blues

We all remember that distinct fragility that existed on last season’s team. If it was a couple goals down, even one goal sometimes, they sat back like the die was cast and gave us boring hockey. If nothing else changed this season it has been a renewed determination to win and a never let those Sab losing habits come back. Find a way to win. Jack Eichel fanboys such as myself like to say his drive to win came out an infected the whole team since he got the Captaincy, and that’s certainly an element, but there were other changes too that probably have something to do with it. One of those changes is the leading goal scorer on the St. Louis Blues: Ryan O’Reilly. Actually, he leads the Blues in every major statistical category except save percentage and goals against because well… the Blues suck ass. There is an abundance of similarities between the two clubs including both having productive off seasons in trades, signings and minor moves but for now let’s focus on how their different. The Blues love beating their hated rival Chicago Blackhawks and this season the Blues came through again challenging the Hawks for positioning in the basement of the league. Most observers puzzle just like we do at how a team that could’ve been viewed as loading up for a deep playoff run before the season turns into a gong show with Steve Ott breaking up fights in practice and what not. I got no good answer with you on that front. Going into this game the Blues are in the midst of a tiny bit of a comeback going .500 over the last dozen or so games so maybe that’s your silver lining although it may be a stretch to see them make the playoffs. The playoff percentages for the Sabres are far better approaching the halfway point in the regular season. That said, Buffalo is not a lock for the postseason and the next five to six games may have a lot to say about what this team is going forward. Jason Pominville out and Carter Hutton in net in St. Louis for the Sabres first game after the Christmas break to start a vital stretch bridging into the New Year.

The game started with the Sabres doing everything right: the better possession, shots, chances transitions, everything really. Hell, Rob Ray was even making jokes back and forth with Ryan O’Reilly from that little box between the benches like they were old chums. Kyle Okposo in particular seemed hungry as his third line with Casey Mittelstadt and Remi Elie got a favorable matchup against the Blue first line and manufactured chances like all American St. Louis Beer. Should I go with that bit? Beer production? That feels weak but I don’t know what else St. Louis produces other than racial controversies. Tage Thompson also made his fair share of plays turning on an axis around that big hind end. On the Sabres one powerplay in first frame Lawrence Pilut ate up the Blues clearing attempts and quarterbacked a powerplay that looked perfect short of actually scoring a goal. The goaltenders took over play as the first period winded down and ended 10-6 in favor of the visitors in shots. The second period was a bit less favorable. Rob “not the Rob Thomas your mom likes for no good reason” Thomas got credit for a goal at 2:03 in what was really a case of Carter Hutton failing to lock down a puck right in his grill and thrashing around in his crease like a suffocating fish. I’ll leave it at that because it’s not even the worst goal against in this middle period. The Sabres did kill a Blues powerplay before things got worse but the stupid floodgates had opened and Jay Bouwmeester scored a wristshot straight down the center over Hutton halfway through. That I can excuse, even as the Sabres seem to be in full retreat at this point, but then Patrick Maroon tapped in a goal that was simply Carter Hutton not doing his job. 3-0 Blues hurt and I got grouchy as the Sabres got a powerplay after Joel Edmundson got called for tripping Captain Jack on a breakaway. Jack Eichel shot from the high circle on the ensuing man advantage and it was 3-1 after 40 minutes and I was noticeably less grouchy just because Buffalo now looked like they were playing their game again, transitioning, passing and shooting like normal again almost getting another before the horn blew.

I don’t know how these Blues got these Sabres off their game other than just saying they were better 5 on 5. That looks weird on the screen in front of me considering this club’s special teams so far this season but that’s what this game was: weird. The third period was a bit of resurgence at first. Buffalo got some wicked chances up the sides even seeing a few good shots from lines not a part of the Jack Sandwich line. All the while the Blues get the loose pucks. That was really the key in this game particularly in the third: you give his angry St. Louis team any daylight and they’ll get back down ice. That was exactly what happened when at 6:13 left in the third Ryan O’Reilly got a breakaway along the boards and roofed one over Hutton. That one hurt, particularly because it emblemized a final ten minutes of this game when the Blues really took over. I am not going to call it a Sabs performance but gee, 4-1 loss to St. Louis right now feels like a missed opportunity wrapped in moldy old bitterness. This game felt like a good old fashion case of chasing and losing. Buffalo didn’t have the puck for most of this game and it felt like it. For how much crap we’ve all talked about St. Louis so far this season they just took it to us 4-1 in regulation. The Blues have now lost 7 straight in that building going back to 2009 and the only thing stopping my overwhelming desire to say whatever at that is the anxious press of a 4-6-3 record since the win streak ended. That’s not good to say the least.

Now Buffalo gets three straight at home to figure it out against Boston, the Islanders and Panthers? Well shit. I feel like if I tried to prognosticate why it would turn into fifty shades of no secondary scoring. Sustained zone time? Should I make the case for better possession and zone time? That’s a little above my pay grade and frankly I don’t want to join the merry band of nitwits bitching about a single time zone change and same day flight to St. Louis. Good teams win games where there are a few variables against them; good teams have their dynamic top line set fire to the rest of the lineup. This ain’t it, Chief. I’ll apologize for all the shit talk to Blues fans but let’s just say if y’all are in a playoff race when you come to Buffalo on St. Patrick’s Day it will be a special season for both of us. Hell, if you win that game I’ll buy one of these twelve million heavily discounted O’Reilly jerseys in every Western New York sports store.

Boston got Patrice Bergeron back too, Saturday will be interesting. Sorry, I’m just a little bitter O’Reilly had to tack on that beaut goal late in this one. At least Jack Eichel knows what went wrong: this was one of those nights it’s really comforting in postgame hearing him break it down like he was watching from our angle knowing he has a C on his chest. Perhaps his point about them not making the adjustments necessary in game to win is really poignant: that’s a trait of good teams that will come in time. I suppose a game like this is growing pains. I hope it’s not a pain reading this blog. Like it, comment on it and share it around to help my bitterness. Boston and the Islanders are the teams that together pose the biggest threat to the Sabres playoff chances on the back half of this season and these two games to close out the calendar year of 2018 will likely prove instructive in that regard. Make them winning lessons, boys.  

Thanks for reading.

P.S. There is a fantastic Sports Illustrated article on Jack Eichel I recently retweeted. It might be exactly what the doctor ordered for you if you’re as bitter as I am about this loss.

[mysteryshelf]

BLOG TOUR - Burn One Down

    Welcome to

THE PULP AND MYSTERY SHELF!

DISCLAIMER: This content has been provided to THE PULP AND MYSTERY SHELF by Partners in Crime Book Tours. No compensation was received. This information required by the Federal Trade Commission.

Burn One Down

by Jeffrey A. Cooper

on Tour June 11 – July 13, 2018

Synopsis:

Retiring thief Jack Apple is offered a low-­risk, six-­figure payout to heist a medical marijuana dispensary from the feisty and impetuous Diane Thomas after Diane steals the robbery plans from her shady ex-­husband Alvin, hoping to beat him to the score.

Diane promises to stay out of Jack’s way but she can’t help interfering, forcing them to take hostages inside the dispensary when the robbery is interrupted by law enforcement, inciting a media circus that deteriorates into a full-­on urban riot.

To escape, Jack and Diane must negotiate the hostages, their agendas, an army of Sheriff’s deputies, the tenacious local news media, crooked deals, corrupt politicians, rioters, Diane’s shady ex-­husband Alvin, and their growing attraction to each other.

This little ditty about Jack and Diane is a fast-paced read that finds a few new wrinkles in a familiar genre. ~ Kirkus Review

Book Details:

Genre: Mystery, Thriller, Crime, Heist Published by: Indie Publication Date: June 15, 2018 Number of Pages: 271 ISBN: 978-­0­‐692­‐06952-3 Purchase Links: Amazon | Goodreads

  Read an excerpt:

Chapter One

We are all thieves and criminals.

Jack Apple had too much pride to let people look down him because he’d been in prison. Most people were hypocrites. Their own lawbreaking might not extend past trivial offenses like unpaid parking tickets or racing past the posted speed limit, but if right was right and wrong was wrong then Jack Apple was someone who believed that everyone breaks the law at one time or another. People justified their behavior based on their own personal sense of morality just like he did. It wasn’t his fault that he aimed higher than they did. But that part of his life was over. Thievery and criminality were all behind him now. Jack Apple was a changed man.

At least he would be after tonight.

***

Jack swung himself over the top of the twelve-foot stone wall surrounding Leo Dorsey’s home and laid flat across the top for a good look at the property. Leo Dorsey was the owner of Ledo Luxury Automobiles, a limousine and hired car service that fronted for a long list of illegal activities including drug trafficking, gun running, extortion, prostitution and probably about six or seven other things. As a rule, Jack didn’t rob people in the trade out of professional courtesy, but Leo had stolen money from a friend of his, so Jack would let that rule slide on this one. If he really was ditching the trade for good, this was something he needed to take care of first. He planned this job before prison and knew there was a decent chance Leo would have the $80,000 he still needed to open his new business. In the trade, they called that a win-win.

The business Jack wanted to open was a gas station, positioned on the lower right-hand corner of a busy “Y” street traffic pattern that fed into two distinct thoroughfares, and was a popular route for locals to access the freeway. In addition to the pumps, a small retail store sold cigarettes, lottery tickets, energy drinks and lousy coffee. A service area hadn’t been operational since the days when they used real steel for bumpers, but it was a space ripe for expansion. The property had just been listed, and Jack knew it wouldn’t be on the market long. It had everything. What was the old adage?

Location, location, location?

The word came this morning that Jack needed to move on the property. Other parties were sniffing around, ready to make an offer, and there would be no time to raise money.

While Jack had money stashed away from his recent ATM fiasco, there was still a lot of heat on that job, and that money would need to stay buried for a while. He needed a quick score no one could trace, no one would report, and that he could do alone. Hitting Leo Dorsey was perfect. It had to be.

A series of motion detectors captured Jack’s movement and flooded the area with bright white light. Jack jumped down off the wall and hid behind tall landscaped shrubbery, waiting for a response. Instead, an automated voice spoke from a speaker sitting on top of the stone wall, giving Jack a terse warning in both English and Spanish.

“You are trespassing on private property. Security cameras are recording your movements. There is an armed response to all trespassers. Leave this property immediately.”

Jack moved toward Leo’s house and saw a large man in an open window staring into the yard. It looked like Leo, but Jack remembered a slighter man, guessing that this version topped out between three hundred fifty and four hundred pounds. Leo had become very successful since Jack had seen him last, but it did nothing for his disposition. Leo was still a miserable shit.

“Idiots! There’s something wrong with that security system!” Leo shouted at two haggard employees who were clearly showing early signs of PTSD. “Why do the lights go on for no reason? There it goes again! What don’t you simpletons understand? Get it fixed!” The employees looked at each other, certain that Leo was talking about the other one.

“Boss, I…,” one hapless employee pleaded.

“Get away from me,” Leo interrupted. “I’ve had enough stupid for one day. I’m going to bed now. Try not to burn the house down before I wake up. And make sure those dogs go out again, too. I don’t want them shitting all over my floors again.”

“Dogs,” Jack whispered to himself, grimacing. “Why is it always dogs?”

Jack slipped through the garden and climbed up to the veranda outside Leo’s bedroom with a backpack full of safecracking tools while he waited for Leo to finish browbeating his employees and go to sleep. Leo’s nightstand confirmed his notorious longtime habits of pills and a three-finger glass of Scotch was still current, telling Jack that sleep probably wasn’t far away.

Jack stretched out his shoulder. His thirty-five-year-old body was sending him reminders that it wasn’t about to put up with the kind of abuse he’d heaped on it all these years for much longer. While he tried to keep in shape in prison, his long, willowy frame strong from years of street running and urban gymnastics, Jack couldn’t do anything about getting older or the damage that twenty-three hours a day of lockdown did to a body. His guilty conscience chimed in, reminding Jack of everything he had risked: his health, his family, his freedom, his youth. All for money. Things. Shit. When would it be enough? Would it ever be enough?

Doubt. Crippling, stifling doubt. This was why he was getting out. He’d already been arrested and sent to prison once, so he obviously wasn’t the master thief he once thought he was. Could he even make it on his own? Jack always worked with partners and recent history would seem to indicate that he couldn’t work without them. He’d nearly been bested by a 70-year-old hermit and his English bulldog two weeks ago.

It was reasonable to ask that maybe his time in the trade had passed. He heard Leo through an open window, talking in drunk guy loudspeak.

“You think I dunno what you think I dunno but I know what you think I dunno ya know?” Leo enunciated every syllable as an almost empty glass of Scotch dangled from his fingertips, then dropped to the floor without breaking. He stumbled to a large double-door safe adjacent to his changing area, his head foggy from drink and drug. Leo focused on the keypad, entering the combination numbers at a slow, deliberate pace, then he pulled open the door with his right hand. Jack watched Leo through a monocular as he wrote the safe combination in pen on his pant leg, thankful that the tools in his backpack would no longer be necessary. It was nice of Leo to save him all that work. Maybe he’d send him a fruit basket later.

“I’ll be right outside if ya need me, Boss,” Leo’s other employee said, assuring him as he shut the bedroom door behind him. Leo said nothing. He wasn’t assured at all.

“Lock th’ door!” Leo barked with a pronounced slur. He took off his Patek Philippe watch and put it in the safe along with the bankroll from his bathrobe pocket. Leo inspected it all with a listless shake of his head then closed the large double doors, pulling on the handle again to make sure the safe was locked. He turned, his beefy feet squeaking along the marble tile as he stumbled back to his bed and fell face down on the mattress, fast asleep before his head even hit the pillow. His snores were deep and guttural. It was no mistake Leo slept alone.

Jack waited through several minutes of uninterrupted snoring next to a window underneath a security camera aimed at the French doors leading to Leo’s bedroom. He picked the lock as he waited, sliding the window open with little effort and easing himself inside. He looked around, wary of alarms or motion detectors. Once he was confident he could move without disruption, Jack stepped forward and immediately set off a motion detector that turned the overhead lights on and lit the space with lighting dimmed for the evening hours. Jack moved back to the window, ready to bail out. He listened. Nothing. No sound. No movement. No one was coming. It was quiet except for Leo, who was fifteen feet away and snoring like a champ.

“Okay, no more surprises,” Jack whispered.

He moved into the large room with caution, gently walking past the bed straining under Leo’s sleeping body and toward the safe, where he zeroed in on the combination keypad and the numbers he’d scribbled in pen on his pant leg. Forty-two. Eight. Thirty-one. Five. Jack pulled the handle to open the safe door, but the door remained locked.

Maybe I entered the numbers wrong?

No. He wrote the numbers down exactly as Leo entered them. Jack tried the series again, re-entering the numbers one at a time and pulling on the handle, but the safe still would not open. This time the repudiation was accompanied by a message on a small LCD screen: BIOMETRIC ACCESS DENIED. Your BioMetric Identification has been declined for the second time. For your protection, the safe will be locked if additional biometric identification is refused.

Jack looked at the handle. At the top was a thumb pad with a painted-on thumbprint he hadn’t noticed during his previous attempts. The numbers he’d entered were correct. The safe didn’t open because it needed a thumbprint, specifically Leo’s thumbprint, to open the door. Jack wondered what the odds were of chopping Leo’s thumb off without waking him up. He sat, considering his options. Technology sure was making it tough for a fella to earn a living.

***

At close to four hundred pounds, getting Leo to the safe over fifty feet away from the bed was a challenge. Jack rolled Leo over on the bed and was startled to discover Leo’s eyes were wide open despite Leo being in a deep, sound sleep. Jack waved his hand in front of Leo’s face. Leo didn’t blink, and the snoring got even louder once there was no mattress to contain it.

Jack mapped out his strategy. An office chair on wheels, probably for Leo’s shell-shocked employees, would suffice for moving Leo across the marble floor. That part was easy. The challenge would be getting Leo into the office chair. It was like moving a Smart Car by hand.

Jack pushed Leo up off the bed and reached his hands around his barrel chest, clenching his hands together the best he could across Leo’s massive sternum. Jack bent his knees, took a deep breath, then pulled Leo to the edge of the bed. Leo greeted the move with a loud snort, then went back to a steady snore, his drugged eyes still open as wide as the sky.

“Pull him up, right into the chair,” Jack coached himself. He used the same strategy as before, which this time pulled Leo off the bed too fast. His momentum landed Leo right on top of Jack, who howled. Leo, for his part, wasn’t disturbed by the fall at all.

“You know, you’ve really let yourself go, Leo!” Jack wailed before pushing Leo off of him. Jack stood up, grabbed Leo’s arms and leaned back, groaning, using the remainder of his strength to hoist Leo into the office chair, which creaked under the strain. Jack backed away, hoping the chair would hold. It would be a long, slow drag to the safe otherwise.

Jack positioned himself behind the chair but struggled across the marble floor. The chair moved slow but steady, gaining momentum once Jack picked Leo’s legs up and pulled him instead of pushing. After a heroic effort from Jack and especially the chair, Leo was positioned in front of the safe. Jack caught his breath, hoping that he didn’t give himself a hernia.

The lock on the outer bedroom door clicked, and the door opened. Leo’s employees, having heard Jack’s howling, came to investigate. Jack swiveled the office chair toward the door, pushed Leo’s head forward and ducked behind Leo’s mammoth frame. The employees looked around until they saw Leo in the chair, his eyes still wide open, staring at them.

“You okay, Boss? I heard something. Everything all right?”

Leo, who was still sound asleep, said nothing. His snoring sounded like a growl, especially to these two. “Just making sure you’re okay, Boss,” the nervous employee said in his awkward rush to get out of the room.

Jack swung the office chair back around and stood up. He entered the series of numbers on the combination pad, then lifted Leo’s stubby hand and placed it on the handle, so Leo’s thumb pressed down on the biometric sensor. This time the lock on the safe clicked and the doors opened. Inside the safe were three $10,000 stacks of hundred dollar bills and the large roll of money from Leo’s bathrobe, which Jack estimated at around $3,000. He could hock the watch, too. It wasn’t a bad haul, even though it was far less than Jack was expecting.

Isn’t it always less than you’re expecting?

Jack took what there was and left Leo on the overworked office chair in front of the open safe. He went back to the window he entered through and got out as easy as he came in, even taking time to re-lock the window behind him. The motion detector lights clicked on and off as Jack climbed down from the second story veranda. That’s when Leo’s dogs, two female German Shepherds outside to do their evening business, saw Jack and started barking in a frenzy.

“Nope,” Jack said once he saw them at the bottom, waiting for him to come down. “No dogs.” He climbed back up to the veranda, content to find another way. The only people in the house were Leo’s employees who, from the sound of it, weren’t nearly as smart as the dogs. Jack slipped back into Leo’s bedroom, where Leo was still snoring heartily in the office chair that would be lucky to last the night. At the bedroom door, Jack heard voices in the hallway.

“Keep those dogs quiet before they wake him up!” The two employees were in a panic, apparently unaware of how deep and sound Leo slept after his bedtime snack of pills and Scotch. Their panic gave Jack an opportunity to get to a stairwell at the end of the hallway that he hoped would lead him outside. Jack listened first then moved quietly, soft-stepping his way down the stairs, peeking his head over the railing as he went. He saw the two employees at the stairwell door window on the first floor, so Jack slipped down another level to avoid them.

The stairwell emptied Jack into nondescript hallways of white concrete and white tile floors. The stairwell door locked behind him, so Jack had a choice of the single steel door ahead of him or a hallway that led off to the right. As Jack approached the hallway, the two German Shepherds sauntered around another corner from a hallway fifty feet away.

There was a moment of silent recognition. They all stood still, sizing each other up. The dogs looked at Jack, then to each other, then back to Jack. Everyone jumped at the same time. The dogs took off after Jack, who sprang into action, running down the hallway toward the door.

“Why is it always dogs?” Jack screamed.

Jack raced through the door and pushed it closed behind him. He didn’t suppose the dogs were smart enough to follow, but they figured it out, jumping up together to push open the door’s exit bar and continue their pursuit down the long hallway. The dogs, whose nails clicked like icy rain on paws that were slipping and sliding across the waxed hallway, were gaining ground. There were several doors along the hallway that Jack tried to open, but each one was locked. When Jack finally found an unlocked door, he got inside and pulled the door shut behind him, half a second before the snapping jaws of the German Shepherds took a sizeable bite out of him.

“Okay. Big dogs. Very big dogs,” Jack wheezed.

His hands felt around in the dark until Jack found the light switch inside the door frame, revealing the janitor closet that was now his safe refuge. “What did I ever do to a dog?” Jack panted, catching his breath. He opened the door slightly and saw a door leading to the outside thirty feet further down the hallway. “All right. I’ve been in worse situations,” Jack said. His voice activated the dogs, who barked as he shut the door. “I’ve never been food…”

The dogs paced back and forth outside the closet door, waiting for Jack to come out. They heard a sound; a scraping, grinding noise coming from deep inside the janitor’s closet. The dogs cocked their heads to the side, confused. The doorknob moved, and their ears perked up. The pin on the door unlatched, and the dogs sat crouched, ready to strike. When the door opened the dogs rushed in, then stopped all at once. From inside the deep janitor closet came the loud, abrasive growl of a stand-up vacuum cleaner that Jack parried out of the closet after them, and now was using to chase the German Shepherds back down the hallway.

“Ha-HA!” Jack jeered, quick on their heels. The dogs reached the exit door and jumped up against the bar to let themselves outside, but Jack wasn’t letting them off that easy. He went out after them, confident and mocking. “Mess with me, and you know what happens?”

The cord for the vacuum cleaner pulled taut and yanked out of the wall. The pitiful motor on the vacuum cleaner died down with a slow, agonizing, mournful wail. The two German Shepherds stopped to listen, then turned their heads around slow. Jack could swear they were licking their lips.

“Idiot,” Jack said. He jumped for the closing exit door, and the dogs were on top of him. One had Jack’s pant leg while the other held the bottom of Jack’s shirt. The shirt ripped when the dog tried to pull back, sending one German Shepherd onto her back, while the other dog tried getting a better grip on Jack’s pant leg. Loose for the split second he needed, Jack took advantage, getting inside and pulling the door closed, with the vacuum cord preventing the door from closing tight.

“Hey! Stop right there!” Leo’s two employees came through the first exit door and saw Jack pulling the exit door closed on the dogs.

Jack ran away. The employees were quick on his heels until they passed the exit door. The tenacious German Shepherds forced open the door at the exact moment the employees ran past, and the dogs sprang into action, jumping into the hallway and biting the first thing they saw.

“No! Him! Get him!” The first employee said as he was being mauled by the first dog.

“That one, girl! That one! Ow!” The second employee shook his free arm, pointing down the hallway. His other arm was firmly planted in the second German Shepherd’s jaw.

Jack’s only option at this end of the hallway was the window straight ahead of him. He pulled opened the window and looked out, craning his neck in both directions, but this was no time to get particular. Jack hoisted himself up and pushed through the window until momentum took over and he dropped ten feet to the ground. The soil was dry and loose, and Jack hit hard, flat on his back, before sliding down the sloped hill head-first and backward. The drop knocked the wind out of him, but Jack shook off the fall, spit dirt from his mouth, then scaled the twelve foot stone wall and jumped down on the other side. His pursuers knew Jack could still hear them.

“We know what you look like, pal! You’re on camera, dumbass! We’re gonna find you, you sonofabitch! You messed up bad, man, you messed up real bad!”

Jack ran for his life down the hill surrounding Leo’s house but couldn’t tell if the sounds he heard, of rustling trees, branches snapping, or running through fallen leaves was the sound of someone following him or the echo of the noise he was making all on his own. Jack turned his head to see the lead he had on his pursuers, but the night was dark, and it was difficult to see. What wasn’t difficult to see was the tree branch that caught Jack above the sternum when he turned back around, the one that clotheslined him flat to the ground. He slid down a steep, sloping hill, twisting and turning his body to avoid the rocks and tree stumps in his path before launching himself off an even larger, brush-covered hill.

Jack landed at the bottom of the hill next to a roadway, right at the feet of Diane Thomas, who stood next to her car like she’d been waiting there for him all along. Diane was dressed in black jeans and a black leather coat with a torn red t-shirt underneath. Her hair was long, with an easy, natural curl that fell over her flawless soft brown skin. Her necklaces and bracelets were tasteful; piled on but not overdone. Black boots were highlighted with metallic studs that covered the backs to the heels. She looked like trouble. Jack liked trouble.

“Something tells me you’re Jack Apple.” Diane stood in front of an idling muscle car, the headlights creating a silhouette that captivated Jack’s attention through his hazy thinking.

Jack asked, “Do I know you?”

“Not yet,” Diane said with a smile. “But you will.”

***

Excerpt from Burn One Down by Jeffrey A Cooper. Copyright © 2018 by Jeffrey A Cooper. Reproduced with permission from Jeffrey A Cooper. All rights reserved.

  Author Bio:

Jeffrey A. Cooper lives in Los Angeles, CA. His previous novel, “How to Steal a Truck Full of Nickels” was published in 2015. Jeffrey has optioned several feature film scripts and co-­created two shows executive produced by Emmy-­award winning comedian Louie Anderson.

Jeffrey lives with his wife, daughter, two rescue dogs, a rescue cat and a fish who all get along famously.

Catch Up With Mr. Cooper On: Website, Goodreads, Twitter, & Facebook!

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BLOG TOUR – Burn One Down was originally published on the Wordpress version of The Pulp and Mystery Shelf with Shannon Muir