#back on my 'too much effort for a dumb joke' bs

[jqupohtia]

These snacks don't look like they were made for miqo'te...

[cangrellesteponme]

Would you care to share your feral thoughts on The Quarry with the class? 👀 🐺

OKAY OKAY OKAY spoilers ahead ofc (mostly just for the ending mac got, which is all playable characters live, no infected other than nick and at some point ryan, all cured at the end, sylas dies, innocence proven. but also some mention of infected dylan) and trigger warnings for like. canon typical violence (blood, amputation...) and i say some mean things about nick lmao

okay so let's start with my strongest character opinions:

Dylan <3 so smart so dumb so iconic. He is both a himbo and a genius nerd and I love him so much. I think he's the best character along with Kaitlyn, his lines are great, he's the only one who's not stupid in unbelievable ways (why was he the only one who thought Nick's leg needed to be cut off? it was so obvious.) but rather in pretty relatable ways (wanting the gun despite being a terrible shot, never trusting his intuition, the whole radio sos thing...) and I think his character is a perfect guy in horror! And the fact that he wants to get laid doesn't stop him from actually trying his best to survive! (*cough* jacob *cough*) Kaitlyn <3 gaslight gatekeep girlboss except she doesn't gaslight, like ever. she doesn't need to. says she's the smartest? true. says she's the leader? true. says she's the best shot and the only one who can use a gun? true. says she's the hottest? true. also LONDON TIPTON LONDON TIPTON BRENDA SONG I LOVE YOU. Jokes aside, Kaitlyn is one of the first times i've seen a woman in a horror game feel real and in a positive way too. I particularly liked how clearly she expresses her feelings about people.

I hate Nick. Like, not for getting infected like a dumbass, or because you can't just cut his damn leg off and let him suffer or bleed out. Nah I hate him because Abi deserves better. Their romance looked so cute at the start. And then you hear him talk with Jacob about it... which was uncomfortable at best!! And then Truth or Dare happens. I think Emma kissing Nick was a good thing, because we got to see that Nick is your good old typical untrustworthy man. He did not need to put that much effort into that kiss- and I know he says he just likes helping Emma make Jacob jealous, but that's stupid. Jacob did not need that much effort to be made jealous, Nick was overdoing it when he very obviously should have held back out of respect for Abi's feelings (which are supposed to be requited!!). All in all he's cheater material. But I can live with that. The worst part is that he's just a dick tbh. In his final moments before turning, the most raw version of himself is an asshole, being aggressive to Abi like it's her fault that he's pathetic? My guy, I know you want to date her and feel like she's not taking you seriously but get over yourself. Also imagine, you feel like you're dying, you're in horrible pain, you can barely think coherently and you ask for reassurance from the person you love... and when they give it to you you don't believe them and get mad over it? I can't possibly imagine being that much of an ass I'm sorry. And don't tell me turning makes everyone an aggressive cunt. Max visibly tries to stay away in the jail cell before the aggression takes over, and Dylan saves Kaitlyn's life! Nick's a dick. One letter away.

Abi's a well-written simp. Okay I, too, hate the "I can fix him" stereotype but Abi's just... such a good version of it. I find it perfectly coherent that this woman who started with pretty low self-esteem and originally refused to say she had feelings for Nick turned to resilient devotion the moment she got invested. It would not have made sense for her to fight to live like other characters do, otherwise. She's a pretty simple character, living for the chance that she can save someone else just by advocating for them, and I think that's nice! Because. Let's be honest. Who in their right mind would want Nick to live if not for Abi's constant "we must save Nick" bs? I wanted him to drown. Stan Abi for being a better person than I am.

Ryan's an ass. Love that for him. That's it that's the opinion.

now my thoughts about the capybaras werewolves:

Why are they not furry. Why do their hair, skin, clothes, everything, just explode in a spray of blood then everything comes back except their clothes???? The werewolved should be fully clothed but it's all drenched in blood.

Why does everyone turn at different speeds? It takes Nick hours, even longer for Laura, but Dylan turns immediately??? My best attempt at an explanation is that it's based on how likely they are to turn someone. I mean, if fucking rabies could turn into a very well-evolved nightmare that optimises infection in horrifying ways, why can't the werewolf curse (which has A LOT of rabies symptoms) be even better? We know Dylan would never bite someone, so there's no point in him staying human long enough to be with others. Nick, however, would've bitten Abi in front of that pool, because the way he's just absolutely pathetic gets people's guard off (like rabid animals being particularly docile at first) even when he says the creepiest shit about being hungry. Laura can and will take every risk and sacrifice anyone, or do any risky thing, so she could (and does.) bite, so keeping her human gets the infection to spread. But that's just my terrible theory. I don't actually think they thought this through.

aaaaaand the plot:

Predictable plot twists. AS THEY SHOULD I'm here to get spooked not to solve a goddamn nonsensical mystery. I'm so thankful that none of the lore is surprising. Glad the hag is everything literally everyone thought she was. Happy it was werewolves whose curse is transmitted through bites. Overjoyed to see Laura and Max survived the prologue and Laura was bitten.

The ending. Look I know it was rushed. But the Sylas bit was boring as fuck lmao. Also the podcast... let me just say nothing. Nvm I'll talk. I do think the characters were funny, and I liked their back and forth, but I wish we could've seen them.

[firstagent]

Review! Digimon Adventure: (2020) Episode 47: The Villains of the Wastelands

In this episode, Taichi and two enemy camps fight to determine who’s the most incompetent leader.

Perhaps the most relieving part of this string of filler hasn’t been the shift to lighthearted stories and lack of exhausting life-or-death situations. Maybe it’s because Taichi was relegated to second fiddle status as the show threw the other kids a bone. Now that the bottle has spun his way again, he’s back to consuming all the oxygen in the room and stifling any attempt at enjoyable content. Some eeks through thanks to the sheer zaniness and stupidity of the guest enemies, but the zaniness and stupidity Taichi himself provides is far less amusing. Not only is his stupidity utterly shameful for a Digimon protagonist at this point in the series, but the show’s lackluster effort to portray it as endearing leaves us wondering how to draft our apology letter to Tagiru Akashi.

Bad decisions are the powerhouses of character development. Kid does something dumb, kid pays for it, kid learns lesson. While we love our deeper flaws and repressive childhood traumas, bonehead mistakes are free real estate. Sometimes they even bring out the deeper flaws (yeah, we miss SkullGreymon too)! For the first half of this episode, all Taichi does is make bad decisions. When he learns that Joe and Gomamon were taken in two different directions, instead of exhibiting a lick of common sense and calling for backup, he and Agumon split up, denying him any firepower and denying his partner any chance of evolution. It is a lapse in judgment totally in character for this moron, and hardly the last one he makes here, but also one that needs to be recognized as a disaster in the making.

Not only is Taichi not punished for his hubris, but you knew he wouldn’t be. The reality check that Taichi has needed time and time and time again continues to elude him, allowing him to be the same idiot he was early on, only now with more dangerous knives to play with (at least when he doesn’t tell them to wander off on their own). This is no different than Tagiru continuing to be a rude, boisterous halfwit too stupid to realize his faults all the way up to the point where that’s exactly who was needed to save the world. Taichi may not be quite as insufferable as Tagiru, but the fact that Taichi is rewarded with more evolutions and bigger victories than Tagiru had makes his lack of progress more offensive. Also not helping is nobody calling Taichi out for his stupidity, while the rest of the Hunters cast, to their credit, barely tolerated Tagiru themselves.

Like Hunters, if the main character isn’t going to grow, the job falls to the episode’s guest ally. Nohemon is defeated because he failed at his job of guarding the water source in town once factioning took hold and things got ugly. Which makes sense because scarecrows are pretty useless once the birds aren’t afraid of them. He doesn’t believe in Taichi either, but shows him the way since he has nothing better to do. Until his big shot at the end, he doesn’t actually do anything other than give Taichi bad advice. Even that only works because of a lucky break, but if he wrests some control back in the end it’s something.

The only reason Taichi, Agumon, and Nohemon succeed is that their enemies are somehow even bigger jokes than they are. At lease these jokes are kind of amusing. A Gaossmon who bosses over a Tyrannomon because an evolution failed to disrupt their hierarchy is a fun concept, and Atamadekachimon and Minidekachimon are just made for laughing at. They and their idiot Goblimon armies let Agumon waltz into one camp and manage to set the other one on fire by themselves. The farce only continues from there and goes a little ways into making up for Taichi’s lack of anything resembling competent leadership.

If pointless episodes like these are going to find any value, it’s in serving to make its featured characters more likable. They’re often a necessary evil early on as we learn about the characters and begin to root for them. This far in, there’s no reason to swallow Taichi’s mistakes. He’s a bad decision maker and he should feel bad about it. If he won’t, we have no reason to cheer for his journey. After doing everything wrong and again only pulling out a lucky win at the last minute, he returns home and acts like their teammates getting kidnapped and him weakening his partnership to save them alone wasn’t a big deal. Yamato absolutely should punch him in the face.

My Grade: D+

Loose Data:

This is the first time in the anime we have reason to pay attention to Nohemon, and talking through the crow rather than the face is is a fun touch.

Nohemon asks if Joe was the wimpy human that got carried away. Taichi says yes. Way to stick up for senpai.

Taichi also ignores all of the Nohemon’s good reasons not to split up with Agumon and also gets mad when Nohemon calls him a kid. Class act, this one.

When the episode isn’t about him (and sometimes even if it is), Joe continues to be nothing more than a joke character. Asking for a lawyer? Really?

If shooting a bow and arrow is as easy as Taichi makes it look, then Nohemon really isn’t that special and should have just found a replacement once his arm got chewed off. Anybody would do.

Why are the two camps fighting over water when Team Gaossmon has a large enough reservoir that it floods the entire cave when busted open?

Awfully nice of Tyranomon to stand there like an idiot for a second while Nohemon aims his big shot to stop him.

Much as Taichi and Agumon should have been overwhelmed and defeated in their efforts, a surprise intervention from the rest of the team would have been too convenient an escape. Having said that, Hikari mumbling her brother’s name in her sleep at the start of the episode and greeting him at the end would have offered enough of a BS excuse for how they knew he was in danger that it could have been tolerated.

See reviews of every Digimon episode at Digimon: System Restore! Support the site by joining our Patreon!

[caffeinetheory]

So what if they had met at a gala Roy with Queen and Marinette with Jagged and like they each of this bad impression of each other such as "Oh, he's the spoiled rich kid"or that"she's a total diva who would do anything to do famous" or something like that. But then when both the to like ditch the party or go somewhere not as bad as the main room and end up meeting and talking and becoming friends and then later dating. Then Lila goes on and on that she's dating Roy but that fails as he shows up.

Okay so this is my first ask/prompt thing but I loved it and I hope it’s good

Thanks to the people in the group chat for the encouragement, I really appreciate it <3

Here goes nothing, hope you like what I ended up writting

(pacing maybe a little fast, oops)

///

She didn’t want to be here, Mari only came because she ran out of excuses to not go to a gala with Jagged. Don’t get her wrong, she loves her honorary uncle but being in the spotlight was not something Marinette enjoyed, Ladybug was more than enough for her thank you very much.

So here she was sipping champagne, which she shouldn’t be but that’s for another time, hugging the wall trying to not stand out with all of her will power. Despite her best efforts Jagged could be heard loudly boating about his favorite designer and talking about how she made his and Penny’s outfits as well as her own. Knowing he was about to drag people around to show her off she decided to bite the bullet and pushed herself off the wall and walked over to him and what looked like a rich blonde businessman and another person around her ae that clearly didn’t want to be here.

The floor length rose pink dress shined in the light as she made her way over to Jagged. The intricate flowers becoming seen as she moved, and her hair flowing behind her as she walked. She commanded the room with confidence as she walked, a perk of being Ladybug for so long, long gone was the overly shy pre-teen and now stood tall legal adult. The shear back of her dress exposed small scars from years of fighting but no one would notice as her over all beauty distracted from the clear battle scars dancing across her skin.

She came to a stop next to Jagged placing a gentle hand on his shoulder, “I know you want to tell everyone about me, but I could hear you from across the ballroom,” rubbing his neck in slight embarrassment Jagged shared a smile with her then to the gentleman he was talking with. “Mari, how nice of you to finally join us, I’ve been trying to get her to come to one of these for years, this is Oliver Queen and his ward Roy Harper,” anyone could tell how proud of the person she had become with his enthusiasm.

Shaking Oliver’s hand politely Mari turned to shake Roy’s only yo be met with a badly hidden scoff and rough handshake in return. ‘Spoiled rich kid with everything handed to him, lovely. Exactly why i tried to avoid these things’ was all that went through her head as she watched the red-head look anywhere but at her or the conversation he was begrudgingly in. ‘Great another person I’m going to have to pretend to tolerate because of the bs that is plesanties’

“So did you really make all three of your outfits?” Oliver was trying to make conversation, someone Roy’s age could possibly do him some good. Given that her deminr became less forced and Marinette seemed to light up the room even more he figures he picked the right thing to ask. “Yes! I’ve been designing for as long as I can remember. It is one of the few constants in my life, and Jagged here,” she gestures in his direction her enthusiasm clear to anyone, “Has insisted that I keep making him things. At first I thought he was just being nice but finding out he was the one that got Clara to look into my stuff is something I can't thank him enough for.”

“Anything for my rock and roll niece,” Jagged playfully ruffles her hair and she swats at his hands, this was a normal thing and Mari was clearly more at ease now that she was able to talk about her interests. She went on for a bit longer, Roy had left under the guise of getting something to drink and snuck off to one of the side rooms to get out of the stuff “party”. Mari left the pair of influential men saying she needed to get off her feet, they let her go and she ended up ducking into the very room that Roy was settled in.

Marinette’s huff of relief after closing the door and leaning against it made Roy snap his attention to the door. “I can’t wait for this to be over,” she looked at her phone to check the time, her heels already in her hand, “Still two more hours till I can ditch.” rolling her eyes, she looked up finally noticing the red-head and a startled sound involuntarily left her, ‘lovely rich boy is here’ she tuned to leave the room when his cough made her look in Roy’s direction. “You trying to escape too?” a sheepish smile played on his lips, his shaggy red hair hung loosely as he tilted his head toward her. Hesitantly she walked to the table across from the one he is sitting on to sit on herself.

“You could say that. Not really a fan of the spotlight,” she replies hesitantly, though his small laugh in return helps loosen her up. “That makes two of us, had to force me” his posture is loose, no longer as stiff. The two ended up spend the next few hours just ranting about how stuffy galas are and how they’d rather be anywhere else. They got to know each other so when both left the room with smiles and a small paper the guardians they came with, had knowing smiles, their plan had worked.

The rest of the month while Marinette was in Star City she was with Roy. Rumors of the two dating where everywhere by the end of the first week. Everywhere the two visited seemed to radiate happiness as the pair enjoyed the other’s company. No one had seen either so happy in a few years. Late night coffee ‘dates’ and soft laughter had become the norm so quickly that when Mari had to go back to Paris everything felt a little too quiet and dull.

‘I made it back, guess I got to accept the chaos again’

‘Miss me that much already ;)’

‘Oh shut it you dork’

Collapsing on her bed Mari’s smile since the gala still hadn’t falutlered. She still had two weeks before she had to go back to class but she didn’t want to think about that yet. Savor the moment of happiness she had while she could...that couldn’t last long could it? It never did, an Akuma alert went off and Ladybug was swiftly on the scene.

“I’m glad to see you’re back M’Lady”

“Good to see you too Kitty, but I just got back, any idea what’s going on”

“Seems like a tourist who missed their reservations”

“Ok sweet, this should be a piece of cake,” and it was they were done in less than 10 minutes. “Come on M’Lady we have a few more that need to be taken care of,” leading Ladybug the partners went to the Effilé Tower so she could purify the other Akumas that had happened while she was gone.

“Thank you Kitty, I appreciate the break.” There were maybe 20 glass jars and only 16 or so butterflies. They had made a system just in case Ladybug wasn’t in Paris and didn’t require to come back all the time. “It’s what a purr-ncess deserves isn’t it, everyone should get a break even you Mari.” “What better sibling could I ask for? Hang out tomorrow? It’s been awhile since I destroyed you in Mécha Strike.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

By the time Marinette woke up it was close to 11 and it was to light tapping on her trap door, what sounded like a ‘come in’ left her lips as she went around her room to look presentable. Adrian came into her room, some food on a plate and a Cheshire like smile, “Sooo, how was the states? Make any new ‘friends’ while there?” His testing tone made it clear she couldn’t get out of it.

The next two days were spent together catching up on what they had done and Adrian getting all the details about a certain red-head. “Ok so maybe I like him but we both know how bad my track record is?” Mari’s exasperation was clear, she had confessed to Adrian before they knew who was behind the mask and he came out as gay to her. She ended up being what got him and Luka together, then Kagami and Cholé, we don’t mention that confession. “I don’t know princess, you might actually have a chance,” he had a knowing smile, too knowing, something was up. Pushing away the thought, “You’re just a helpless romantic,” they playfully shoved each other as they were heading back to the bakery after a day just walking around.

Texting Roy and hanging out with her small team was all she had done when she had done when she got back so walking into the classroom to cold stares had thrown her for a moment. Her reality hit her like a ton of bricks but it didn’t hurt as much as it used to, she had people who cared about her and people she cared about. Marinette took her seat in the back of the class with Cholé and Adrian. The trio had been forced to the back but enjoyed the freedom it let them have.

The door slammed open and one Lila Rossi had walked in laughing loudly to Alya, no doubt talking about ‘what an amazing summer’ she had, the trio just rolled their eyes and went back to their phones.

“You texting him again, I swear you are always texting him,” Adrian joked seeing Mari ignore the world, the only thing she cared about being her screen.

“I mean you know me so well,” rolling her eyes at his antics, “what else am I supposed to do? Listen to ‘something that totally happened guys I don’t know why you don’t believe me’,” her sarcasm was palpable.

“I mean this time you might care, it’s about some boy toy, a Queen I think,” Cholé supplied to the conversation muffling a laugh as Mari immediately snapped her attention to the girl in the front of the class.

“You have got to be kidding me, she can’t be that dumb can she.”

“Oh you know she can and will be”

The rest of the week was spent with Lila telling the class about how amazing and put together Robert was, she couldn’t even get his name right!!! Mari was a little pissed but it wasn’t worth it, she knew the real Roy and he may be a disaster incarnée but he was hers. Did she really just think that? Damn Adrian was really rubbing off on her.

Two weeks later when Adrian told her to wear red and black, and to make sure her hair was in a ponytail, she chose not to question it. What ever crazy plan he had plan would probably be fine, they usually were. Texting Roy in the way to her class she almost missed the foot out to rip her, but being so focused she just sidestepped and jumped over the other 2 that were outstretched as she made her way to class. She wore a bright smile, Roy was talking about how pretty Paris was. ‘He must have seen the pictures I sent’.

Practically falling into her practical sibling’s lap she hummed a happy tune forgetting where she was. The red shirt she wore was one that she may have narrowed from Roy and it still smelled like him. The two blondes who sat with her started to tease and run their hands through her hair, happy to see their girl so happy again.

“So, Kitty, why was I to wear this today? What’s the occasion?”

“Oh you’ll see,” his knowing smile should have worried her but the text from Roy distracted her.

A picture of her parents' bakery and a text that said ‘this is your parents right?’ Lit up her screen.

‘Yeah why’

‘No reason, shouldn’t you be in class?’

‘Hasn’t stopped me before ;)’

Lila’s loud boasting about her ‘boyfriend’ Mr. Harper, at least she got the last name right, broke the bliss Mari had been feeling, though Adrian’s poorly concealed laugh did bring some of her smile back.

It was at lunch when Mari found out why Adrian was so giddy and why Roy was talking about the beauty of Paris. In the middle of another one of Lila’s stories about her ‘boyfriend’ a cough stopped her mid sentence, “Um actually, who are you? I’m pretty sure I’ve never met you before. I think I’d remember someone as loud as you.” There he stood at the bottom of the stairs, in all his glory, one Roy Harper.

“Adrian I love you but I’ll kill you later,” Mari whispered to him and then launched herself at red-head. “What are you doing here?” He caught her with ease spinning her slightly, “Happy to see you again Pixie,” their laughter could be heard throughout the school. “But Roy, seriously what are you doing here?”

Rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, “Adrian may or may not have gotten me here… and I wanted to see you again” Mari half hearted flared at the blonde who jut give her a grin. This was sister and Roy made her happy, so of course he was going to do what he could so she could be happy. “Told you it would work out,” Chloe’s retuned fistbup told him she was happy for their friend too. After all she had done for them it was only fair they helped her.

“I may have also wanted to ask you something,” Roy looked down at the shorter girl, “would you be down to be my girl…” he trailed off at the end but their was clear admiration in his eyes as he squeezed her hands.

“Of course you dork,” she gently pulled him down into a soft kiss.

They left the school after that, somehow the school already knew to excuse her for the est of the day. The pair had a lovely date ending up with them both falling asleep in the couch as a movie played.

The next day Mari didn’t come to class, neither did Adrian or Cholé, but there were cease and desist letters on both Alya’s and Lila’s desks and a firm warning from the Queen lawyers about falsely using their name.

Mari was happy and she really had to thank Jagged for finally convincing her to go the dumb gala, and maybe Adrian for getting them together.

They were an odd pair, the human disaster and the embodiment of an angel but they were happy and they fit, they wouldn’t change it for the world.

///

So that was that, hope it was good :>

[joanelizebeth]

dreamers: don’t die

I know you think none of this matters anymore. You don’t even care so much to abide by sentence structure. The newest version of the new you could give two shits about what the Oxford comma even is. You don’t write to attain a grade anymore. You don’t write to get into college anymore. You write because……...

Dot. Dot. Dot ...still thinking, uploading, pending, synching. The world you once believed in, the audience still waiting on the last time you gave serious, genuine, interested, effort into your skill...

But something always causes the pen to stop writing before it actually intended on stopping. Suddenly the fingers stop typing at the keyboard...

You look up to kiss him goodnight (you realize he’s filling up his water bottle to head to bed), & so you shrug silently to yourself, “oh, this isn’t anything big I’m working on anyway right now, I can pause this and put it away.” NBD! Easy! 

Dot. Dot. Dot. 

The laptop closes and we don’t even recognize the severity of the moment. Such a subtle, little... moment, right?

My dad, born in 1953, believed in a lifelong dream of getting a Corvette. He got it when I was like 5. I’d sit in the back and stare up at the Wisconsin stars and think “I’m gonna chase my dreams like this one day, and never stop driving.” I’m 24, he hasn’t driven it regularly since I was 9. 

One day that garage door closed for the last time that he’d ever take that red corvette out, before giving up on remembering why he’d made it such a life goal in the first place...

And suddenly years and years later, so many pauses, so many put away ideas, brainstorming lists, and even frickin potential tweets and instagram captions fill up nothing but receipt space in your Notes app (a habit kept like my mom’s iconic giant black purse, all too familiar: like a landfill of thin crumpled papers, dollars, and big break ideas, always meant to go somewhere someday, right?).

Ideas are only dangerous if you feed them. House them. Watch them age, and help them develop into actions. As an artist, but really as an overthinker; it’s a game within your own creative intellect to balance the test of modern revolutions and trends & the analytical application of methods classically proven to work. We must not think we have to choose one or the other, but learn how to derive new opinions, ideas, and experiments by utilizing both thought-habits to new, peaceful third productive outcome to remain open minded to perspectives of people with much different life experiences and lives, different reality lenses than our own. 

Three dots that wait to continue the conversation, as eager as a new college grad awaits the dialog after sending a cover letter. The art of a cover letter? Is that really an art? I find well crafted writing with any purpose other than for the passion that letters themselves inspired one to pursue opportunity, to be a mockery of language itself. Do not exploit my talent, do not disrespect my education, for you have no idea what I’ve learned behind the closed doors of my personal life and interests, of things beyond what the ACT scans for. I might have read AP Chemistry in 5th grade, I might have read my father’s divorce journal during the military, you have no academic acclaim in my eye to judge the motivation behind why I type what I type. What I say and why I say so is something I’m still discovering myself, but I question the validity of my talent, of my career, every day that I realize I don’t have a stupid Bachelor’s Degree Paper saying that I majored in English and also sucked up to the professor’s particular philosophy. I’ve read more books in my lifetime than days I’ve spent in school. I’m not lying. I’m 24, one year out of college, one year a resident in the city of Angels: dying. Dying of Apathy. The same criminal that tried to take me when I tasted a life of comfort.

You need more than ambition now. Now, more than ever, you need to focus. To stop picking up your phone to see if he viewed your story, even if you’re alone in a foreign world and don’t know a single soul who understands your context. You can’t drop the mask now and visit Aunt Linda after church at Starbucks. You can’t force smiles anymore to strangers, trying to convince other people why you moved here with a dream. But why not? You can’t force strangers, you can’t force friends, you can’t force family to believe in you if you’ve chosen to stop believing in yourself. So cheesy, those words must have come from someone from Wisconsin. Regardless, reality.

The months fly by like EXPO tickets at a busy restaurant, once they’re gone they’re forgotten. 

So many months, so many days, so many interactions with strangers on the street. Things we don’t think about. It’s been a year, what the fuck have I accomplished? I haven’t even written a Goddamn thing on a computer since I worked at ESPN. When my voice felt validated. I could have stayed. How many nights do I wake up jerking, imagining the best case scenario of an unrealistic positive scenario of the other side of the crossroads we faced when we were only a little bit younger? But I chose to move from Wisconsin to California. I believed in myself when I bought that flight, when I wobbly-handed my debit card to the TJ Maxx cashier for that suitcase, the one suitcase I moved here with. Flyin’ solo sounds more glamorous in quote form. It was really lonely. But day by day things can really, really; really improve. 

Those restaurant tickets are forgotten. We take shots at the end of the night with both BOH and FOH together, completely forgetting about that side of chipotle ranch for that lemon lady that was never ran. We move on in life and don’t care about the little details that occur around us as we take in the information overload called being alive. 

But among those tickets, among those many little random tickets, big, small, we know the clock out feeling still leaves us smiling, wondering why even if work was hectic, it was worth it. It was and is always worth coming back again, even when we have slow nights. Just kinda like how, even if we haven’t gotten verified on Instagram or Twitter, we still kinda like life in LA.

Tickets fly by like days, weeks, months, even years lived in Los Angeles, and I don’t fast forward through those moments as I previously had. I used to guilt trip myself for not being “critically acclaimed” whatever the fuck that means, yet if I were to forever focus on that rubric as the sole way to define my sense of self, I’d land up where my brain of creative fire fears most: apathy. Not caring. Not having emotion. Make excuses to replace the thoughts of guilt, the thoughts that comfort me into affirmation that my negligence, my lack of work ethic, my dwindling inspiration that was once the sturdy backbone I had as my secret weapon during the fight.

Those tickets don’t matter. A side of ketchup you forgot to run a few days ago that you just remembered doesn’t matter. But the concept of tickets not mattering ever is just as common and dangerous a mistake to make as getting caught up in labels, titles, and details. 

The days I’ve been in Los Angeles, I haven’t acted in feature films, modeled free outfits on Melrose, made out with Halsey backstage, or had some magical unrealistic moment where someone wants to read my poetry or script ideas drunkenly on the patio at Berkshire House. At the end of the shift, the restaurant tickets don’t matter, right? Or do they?

At the end of the day, the time I spent in LA without getting a self affirming job doesn’t matter, right? All this time I have spent living in LA with strangers and paying rent that seems so expensive, is it a waste of my life? These days in LA that pass by without me making my “big break” are a fucking waste of time, right? Or are they? 

But,

Did you learn Street names? Freeway names? Did coffee shop faces begin to become recognizable by name? What about your favorite parking spot at work? What about when the Uber app recognizes your patterns and little favorite spots? Do you have a coworker you vent to about all the BS banter from certain regular customers? What about the checkout lady at the grocery store where you get your favorite coffee creamer? Has the weight of meaning of seeing a familiar friends’ handwriting on a postcard carried its weight a little differently? All these little things, all those little tickets at work, never seem to matter in the moment, but at the end of the day, at the end of our shift: they’re what makes us feel at home. Habits are what makes the difference between what feels like a house and what feels like a home. 

You’ve made what was just a house, now a home. Through habit. Through noticing.

Although Apathy is a real phase we all sometimes experience in life due to comfort and lack of change, apathy doesn’t have to corner us into self imposing a giant change upon our lives, forcing us to lose something we love. We can fight these fits of apathy, of self doubt, of questioning everything, by …

Dot Dot Dot...

Does anyone have an answer?

My answer to Apathy, to a dead soul, to feelings of  “why hasn't anyone noticed what I’m capable of yet?” is that the answer never mattered to a dumb self conceited question to begin with. 

Remember those tickets. Remember those days. Remember those that laughed at your jokes, asked to take pictures with you, invited you to parties, or smiled at you with a sense of familiar relief when you punched into work. People have been noticing you. Have you been noticing them?

[cosmosogler]

today my brain, like some kind of drunk frat boy, said “remember that bs we did yesterday? let’s do it again! round 2!!!” in my head i am imagining sam rockwell’s voice.

i didn’t sleep well at all. my eyes felt bruised. my jaw feels bruised. my teeth hurt all the time.

i did, however, manage to shower, eat, clean up after snoopy, and pack and leave by 9:05. so i was in the physics building at 9:30. i had trouble getting settled. i was workin by 10:10 though.

snoop and i are having a disagreement about where the litter box should be. i think that it should be in an area that’s easy to keep clean. snoopy thinks it should be on top of my couch.

i worked until about 12 when i took a break for lunch. my lunch was pretty bad though and very much not enough. i felt sick even from a pbj. i managed to talk harrison into grabbing some lunch from the food court (by talking him into it i mean i asked and before i could finish he said “yes”). pizza was a bad idea... i felt sick after that too, but less like i was gonna shrivel up from lack of food. i might still be losing weight. hard to eat.

that took longer than i wanted it to so i sat back down and continued reading my textbook at 1:15-ish. i have two assignments due tomorrow... i was going to start them today. i was. i wanted to finish reading the textbook so i wouldn’t feel lost and overwhelmed when it came time to solve problems. reading is such slow going though... at 1:50 i stopped to go to my appointment with disability resources. i was there for about 50 minutes. i started feeling really upset when we went over rudimentary study strategies and what, exactly, happens when i try to take tests. danielle said she remembered that i had told my case worker that i’d passed out during the prelims.

i tried to focus on some goals. i half-joked that i was hoping she could get me reading the textbook four times as fast after my appointment. she said to focus on feeling less isolated and to try to relax. she gave me some mindfulness exercise mp3s from a web site so i downloaded a couple that looked interesting this evening. i haven’t tried them yet, but i stuck to the ones that were 5-10 minutes long.

it feels like relaxing only works half the time. last time, when i took my finals in undergrad, i felt relatively confident going into my observational astronomy test. like, i’d studied for 5 days, i hadn’t used ALL the strategies but i did go over all the material. and i got a 50% on that test. it brought my grade down from a solid b into c- territory.

so it’s hard to see the point of being less stressed when i go into tests. because now i know that being less stressed won’t actually help. that stresses me out more.

i noticed when describing how my semester has gone so far that i seem to really know what i’m talking about when i’m talking with my classmates about physics. as soon as i gotta prove that i know stuff to my professor, though, it’s all gone. and when i calm down a little and get working on problems, my brain reaches for stuff i know to connect to the questions, and it picks the wrong stuff. but i don’t notice i am using the wrong stuff, because my brain pulled it down from the shelf and told me it’s what i needed. and at that point i’m so relieved to feel like i know what i’m doing that i just do the problems completely wrong and i look hella dumb.

scrambled connections. 

so that’s where i seem to be at. some insight, maybe? after that i went back to the department, got distracted talking to suzanne (her fiance’s cousin died and they are leaving for his funeral so she won’t be around this weekend), got some cookies with keegan and harrison, and then sat down and worked for another hour and a half. 

i got that feeling, like, where if you’re doing some form of hard physical activity, stamina wise. when your stamina is gone, and you kind of realize it’s gone a few seconds before your body gives and breaks. i got that deeply uncomfortable, wrong, “it’s time to stop right now” sort of feeling. so i went home real quick after that even though i still hadn’t started my homework problems. i’d made good progress on my reading... i hoped i could read a little more at home even though it was a long shot.

when i got home i didn’t feel like washing my pots to cook anything so i made a microwave meal. i took some time to brush snoopy. i opened the window to let in some fresh air and looked out over the courtyard. i fudged around with youtube for a little bit and did some administrative emailing. i had a couple oreos, maybe three.

then i actually, honest to god, sat down and read the textbook. it was incredible. when my timer went off i took a break and stretched while snoopy watched. then i just laid on the floor and stared at the ceiling for like three minutes. 

i got back to it after i checked my updated comics! i finished the chapter, which was my goal actually. some of the work is in chapter 4, i think... the professor wants us to be 3/4 of the way through chapter 4 by tomorrow morning and we all had a good chuckle over that.

i asked around a bit and it seems like not a lot of the other students read the textbooks. i dunno. i know it’s hard, and i know it’s kind of helping me procrastinate on the actual homework, but i do feel more comfortable in lectures when i’ve read the section. it’s easier to keep track of where the professor is going. and it’s easier to figure out what the questions want me to do, and where to find helpful stuff in the book. 

some of it’s helpful, some of it’s not. i emailed both my professors in the afternoon and told them i didn’t think i’d have my assignments done by tomorrow morning. the classical professor said to just bring it in on monday which is a relief. my quantum professor didn’t get back to me. i didn’t see him in his office either. i hope he’s ok.

i finished that around 9:40. now it’s 10:15. stretching really did help a lot. might need to do that after i get home every day. stretching my back has helped a little bit, but if i do everything then i might actually feel better instead of just “not worse.” 

i somehow pulled both of my shoulders in my sleep the other night though and wearing a backpack’s been agony. it might help to get a backrub but i wouldn’t let anyone massage my back or shoulders even if i was dead. if someone came up behind my corpse it would fly away like a thrown muppet.

i don’t like massages, or spas, or that kind of stuff in general. i can tolerate being emotionally vulnerable sometimes but the idea of being physically vulnerable is like a cold wall of fear and uncertainty and anxiety. i’m already physically vulnerable. if you wanted to grab me or hurt me there’s not really anything i could do about it. but specifically relaxing, in water where it’s hard to move, or laying down or letting someone stand around behind me, feels like it’s inviting problems. can’t do it. 

that and my back has all kinds of nerve damage from my heart surgery. when people touch the area wrong or it gets bumped on a table my whole side either feels like knives or just goes fuzzy and numb and i can’t move my arm any more. neither of those feels good!!!

my side gets sore when it’s muggy out too. since the scar tissue is on my right side, having my whole dominant arm be kind of weak and fussy is really irritating.

i know it could get worse. i know things could be worse. but that doesn’t mean they are good now.

thinkin about that makes me miserable.

it feels like a got a lot done today. but it also feels like i got the wrong stuff done, even though i know that my homework would have been frustrating and basically impossible without doing all this reading first. i hate sitting and reading the textbook and my classmates look over and ask how much of the assignment i’ve got done and i have to say “none” even as the sun goes down and the staff goes home.

it feels like i didn’t try hard enough, even though i literally could not have done any more today. my best just isn’t good enough. baby steps aren’t what my professors want. they want me running the marathon with everyone else. i mean, yeah, walking a bit is better than laying on the ground, but i’m still not gonna hit the finish line by the end of the day. it’s so, so hard to get to the end of the day and praise myself for doing just a little bit, even when i feel like hot garbage and one problem was a gargantuan effort. it’s so discouraging to look at my work and be like, “yeah! i did it! i read for an hour today, even though i was very depressed!” when i needed to read for five hours, and now tomorrow to catch up i have to read for another five hours plus the four i didn’t get around to that day.

i mean, it’s not ten hours i need to catch up on. it could be worse. but nine hours is still not good. nine hours is still really bad!

i mentioned a stupid thing before the “read more” cut that i didn’t get around to during the bulk of my entry. i had another panic attack for like forty minutes. right when i left my apartment before i even got to the elevator i felt sick and sweaty and breathless. i wanted to complain to someone but there wasn’t no one there so i just struggled to breathe by myself for a while. it was basically a repeat of yesterday. angry about a big dude grabbing me in the dark and instead of apologizing, saying “i’ll touch you whenever i want.” REAL COOL!!! he’s my step dad. not technically related. 

i don’t like having panic attacks. don’t get a lot done when that’s happening and afterward i just feel drained and that makes it hard to get moving again. i’m still upset. but i really don’t feel comfortable making myself all gooey and weak in front of these people i hardly know, especially when they ain’t really talked about any of their problems either. i don’t wanna freak out at someone i don’t know that well four weeks into the semester. that would be bad.

anyway i’m going to go to bed on time for once tonight, so i gotta wrap it up here. i’m so tired. i’m going to do that five-minute meditation thing and see if that changes anything.

(edit: it helped.)

[pengiesama]

today’s berseria highlights

with 40% less salt from yesterday’s adventures

(but i will never be sodium free)

(it is my very nature)

the fat cat seraph from pendrago making a guest appearance as shigure’s malakhim

the factoid that said cat’s eyebrows are considered to be high fashion among malakhim

don’t worry, mikleo, your eyebrows are on fleek even if they’re not thick and luscious like caterpillars

shigure’s the only decent villain thus far and even he’s pretty bland. he gets points for treating malakhim well?

our villains so far: pretentious generic “for the greater good” fuck  ominous ancient god that’s jealous that laphi curbstomped him in a fight dollar store flynn and his sister who wants to bone him some fat old guy evil samurai man

to be fair they’re still better than zestiria’s villains. zestiria’s villains were fucking awful lol

eizen shrieking at rokurou for a solid five paragraphs for not appreciating modern art

a callback to the “lipstick on a pig” line from zestiria, wherein rokurou explains, “it means you can take someone cute and dress them up nicely, and they’ll be even cuter!”. your attempts to appeal to my sormik lusts are transparent, and also, successful

like seriously when do i get to free the malakhim from their enslavement spells and help them lead an insurrection. i feel like this would effectively cripple the Abbey and should be higher on the party’s strategy list. maybe lailah leads the revolution when she’s freed and that’s why she’s held in such high regard. that is probably asking too much

i’m honestly a little weirded out that eizen isn’t visibly more upset when he sees his fellow malakhim being used as brainwashed disposable slave labor, or when they get murdered in droves before his eyes. laphi’s a bit more emotional but even he isn’t as upset as he should be. bad writing or meant to show how they’ve detached themselves from an awful situation? who knows

put a bunch of dumb attachments on eleanor in a vain attempt to make her appealing. the loss of zestiria’s attachment system means that i can’t stack three giant hats on her at once or make massive sunglasses that clip through everything, making my efforts fruitless. am now saving up tales coins for a normin fursuit to shove her into so i eventually don’t have to look at her at all. then i’ll only have to hear her tropey anime nonsense. and see her in skits. it’s not a perfect solution, or even a good solution

speaking of characters i dislike, i see bamco thinks that “pervert mascot who talks in a high-pitched squeaky voice peppered with nonsense words and who constantly sexually harasses the female characters” is still something that needs to exist in a game. please make bienfu disappear permanently and give his expository lines to a sentient lamp or something

please. stop the sexist skits. you proved in zestiria that you could make jokes that didn’t revolve around “LOL WOMEN AMIRITE. WOMEN LOVE MAKING MEN’S LIVES DIFFICULT. WOMEN ARE COMPLETELY INCOMPREHENSIBLE. DERP DERP”. why did you regress. 

please do not ever make a skit with innuendo about laphi masturbating like, ever again

i know people complained about zestiria’s skit system (i.e. skits only triggering at save points and inns) but the berseria (i.e. the traditional tales system) isn’t much better?? every two steps gameplay is interrupted by a required skit, lasting like five minutes apiece, and then you stack the optional skits on top of those (at least three per area). zestiria’s skit system wasn’t flawless (i definitely missed most early-game inn skits bc i had no idea that system existed until someone told me) but at least it let me pace out the skits for when i felt like sitting back and watching them.

so i’ll definitely be replaying zestiria once i’m done with this game lol. if only to actually go through it knowing how the battle system is supposed to work (bc, again, they failed to explain it. zestiria had a real problem with not explaining game mechanics). and as a palette cleanser to all the gross sexist bs and also to refuel my soul’s engines with concentrated sormiks.