#back in July my mum was experiencing some abdominal pain | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

natsbigfight · 7 years ago

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One step forward, two steps back.

Today seemed to be the best day to sit down and write, its cold and rainy outside so I am tucked up in front of the fire with my laptop. Where to start…

On the 5th July I arrived at the hospital around lunchtime feeling quite nervous for some reason. It seemed silly at the time but maybe I was just sensing the long journey I had ahead of me. As I was taken into theatre my nerves increased until it was clear to the nurses and doctors that I wasn’t doing too well so they gave me a dose of IV Lorazepam to calm me down. As I drifted off to sleep I thought to myself – it’s ok, this is a quick and fairly simple procedure, you won’t be under for too long and they will look after your pain in recovery. Little did I know I wouldn’t wake up in recovery until three hours later. Turns out it took two surgeons 2.5 hours to clear the adhesions in my abdomen enough to be able to even reach my uterus. They were not expecting how severe the adhesions would be and during the process of clearing them my gynae surgeon make an accidental 6cm cut in my bladder. I was really upset when originally I was told that he “nicked” my bladder but then upon further questioning we found out how badly he actually had cut it. They repaired the cut and filled my bladder with saline, it sprung several leaks and so they did more repairing and then refilled and it appeared to be water-tight. My bowel surgeon found that I did not have another hernia (yay no more mesh) but where I was experiencing pain there was a section of my bowel stuck to the abdomen wall with adhesions so he has freed that in the hopes that will sort my pain out. Once all the adhesions were cleared the actual ventral suspension only took them 15 mins and went really well.

When I woke up in recovery they had my pain pretty well managed and this continued through the rest of my hospital stay – so pleased to be able to say I had a great experience with pain management this time! They didn’t do the spinal block as planned because of my sleep apnea – they use morphine in the spinal block but morphine can cause your respiratory system to become lazy which would not match well with sleep apnea. For those that don’t know what sleep apnea is – it’s basically when I have periods during sleep where I appear to stop breathing (the docs call these breathing pauses) and I developed this condition when I let my weight get out of control. But I had my PCA which kept me really comfortable.

The morning after my surgery my gynae surgeon came to see me. We talked about my bladder and how I would have to wear a catheter for at least 2 weeks to give my bladder time to start healing. He talked about this in such a blasé way that I was quite upset. In fact he actually said “look I’m a gynae surgeon, I don’t do bladders so this can happen” all while shrugging and holding his hands up in a “what are you gonna do” way. Well it’s all well and good for you to be so casual about the whole thing but you are not the one walking around with a tube shoved up your pee hole and a bag of piss strapped to your ankle! Yes I was annoyed that my bladder had been cut which completely screwed up my recovery time but I understand that the adhesions were really bad so I can’t be too annoyed at the surgeon – but it was his attitude about the situation that really pissed me off. Not to mention he fist bumped me before leaving after one visit – it really filled me with confidence in how serious he takes my health. There was an ACC form filled in which they never gave me a copy off so we are in the process of trying to track down a copy of it now. After he glossed over my bladder he then went on to tell me that the adhesions had almost completely swallowed up my left ovary to the point where he couldn’t find it and only caught a quick glimpse of it during surgery and so this combined with endometriosis and the amount of abdominal surgery I have had he doesn’t think I have a great chance of conceiving naturally now. At this point the sounds of the hospital around me seemed to stopped, I could see my surgeon looking at me waiting for my response, my heart felt like it was in my throat as hot tears poured down my face. My fertility is the one thing I have held onto and tried to protect this whole time. Any one of my doctors will tell you that when discussing anything to do with treatment or surgery my fertility is the first topic I want to cover. How could this be happening? I slowly drifted back to the present and focused on what he was saying, he was in the process of telling me that my right ovary looked great and he had tucked it up out of the way of the worst of the adhesions. I asked if there was a chance that this ovary could also be covered in adhesions before I was ready to have another baby and he said that there was no way of knowing but for now it was healthy. He said that because this ovary is still healthy there is still the chance to conceive naturally but it was very low and so I needed to prepare myself for the IVF process. I know IVF isn’t the end of the world. I know a lot of people who have done it. But it’s a long physical and emotional battle that I just don’t think I have in me. I have fought so many battles over the past three years that I really didn’t need another one. Pregnancy itself was going to be hard on its own with coming off some of my medication which controls nerve damage pain, potential issues with my j pouch and the uterine prolapse. But now I also have to have deal with the painful rollercoaster of IVF before I even get to the pregnancy battle? It’s just not bloody fair! Then of course there is the chance that the three free rounds we get are not successful and we then have to look at other options. Part of me feels like maybe it’s too much. Maybe we need to just admit that our family is complete at 3. But the pull on my heart when I think about not holding another baby in my arms is too much. I want to see Isobel’s beautiful face as she looks at her younger sibling for the first time. After all the crap we have dealt with surely we deserve this? I called Pete after the surgeon left me alone and asked him to come in and see me. I needed him to sit next to me and calm me down. To help me see straight again and get a hold of my grief. After a couple of hours of me crying on and off we decided we would give ourselves today to feel sorry for ourselves and then tomorrow I would pull up my big girl undies and get on with it. This was easier said than done and I still struggled for a couple of days to get a hold of my emotions. I am shelving this issue for now while I deal with recovering from this surgery. I will take it back down off the shelf and process it when I feel stronger.

I managed to come off my IV pain killers on day 3 in hospital and we were all planning on me getting home the next day. Unfortunately that night I spiked a temp and we couldn’t get it under control the next day. They examined me and initially diagnosed an upper- respiratory infection so they sent me down for a chest x-ray. The x-ray came back clear so they did further investigations and found that I actually had a kidney infection from the catheter. I was placed on antibiotics and I ended up spending another 6 days in hospital fighting the infection. I also developed a really bad case of oral thrush from the steroids they had me on to clear up my chest infection before the surgery. If you haven’t had oral thrush then you should count yourself lucky. It is one of the most unpleasant things I have ever dealt with.

At first your tongue and throat become covered in a thick white layer and it feels like you have something stuck in your throat which means your gag reflex is almost always triggered. Once this passes your tongue and throat lose the top layer of skin and it feels like your mouth is full of razor blades. Eating and drinking is excruciating and I spent almost a week on a liquid diet. The liquid diet was actually a life saver due to the horrible state of the food in that place. In the 9 days I was there I only managed to eat 2 meals, the rest were totally inedible.

These pictures show some of them, the ‘omelet’ in the middle was solid and rubbery, there was also solid/rubbery egg in the potato thing on the right and the pasta ‘carbonara’ on the left was just downright disgusting.

I was lucky to have some great roommates during my stay. We all kept each other’s spirits up and shared stories, I was thankful for the distraction. I was finally released on 14th July and I couldn’t wait to get home. It had been really hard on Isobel, Mum and Pete running around after me and bringing me in food etc. I am so lucky to have Mum and Pete; I would never be able to get through all of this without their support and help.

I spent 5 days at home with the catheter and I was miserable. I had almost a permanent feeling of needing to pee, the tube kept pulling when I moved the wrong way and I could only wear PJ bottoms because of the pee bag strapped to my leg. It wasn’t until two days before I got it out that I realized that not wearing underwear was better because it didn’t press the tube into strange places and let it sit where it was comfortable. I also had a bath at Mum’s which went a long way towards relieving the discomfort. On Wednesday morning they did a contrast x-ray to make sure the bladder was water-tight and on the mend. This was so horrible. They used an IV drip connected to the catheter to slowly fill my bladder up with saline and then they took a series of images. The relief when they let the saline drain back out was amazing! I went back later that day once the report was written up to have it removed. I felt like a new woman! I am in the process of re-training my bladder and I am holding onto my urine for as long as I can in order to stretch the bladder back out. They assure me there shouldn’t be any long term issues thank god.

So right now I am taking it easy and working on dropping my pain meds. The worse part of my recovery is I have really severe nerve damage again. They made 5 key-hole incisions and 2 larger incisions during the surgery. The two larger ones are low down and where they attached the uterus to my muscle. It’s those two points that have resulted in nerve damage. The pain feels like a hot poker is being jammed into my tummy each time I move. This usually takes a couple of months to settle down to a point where it doesn’t cause me too much trouble. Obviously this causes me to be really restricted in what I can do which is so frustrating. I want to try and get back to work next week as the bills keep stacking up and we just can’t survive on only Pete’s income. Although I am trying to get back to work I am going to be careful with how I go and be aware of what I am capable of. There is only 2.5 weeks until Pete’s surgery so I need to be as recovered as possible to ensure I can take over the house duties from him.

So that’s the most recent chapter in my story. I look back at all we have been through and just shake my head in wonder. How can the shit still keep coming? Is there some higher power that is messing around with our lives just to have a laugh? It’s bloody ridiculous. But nonetheless it’s the card we have been dealt and so we will continue the good fight. We just need to remind ourselves of the positives. We have each other and a roof over our heads – that’s all that really matters.

Who needs their sanity and all their organs as well?

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mybumpbirthandbeyond · 5 years ago

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Sticks and Stones

To all the women who comment on how feed my baby, or ask whether I'm due another, or pass judgment when my baby is put down in the changing rooms and can’t keep their comments to themselves, this one is for you. After all, why seek advice from those close to you or those you trust, when you can be offered unsolicited and unwanted advice from a perfect stranger?!

I never used to care what people think. Yes I would get annoyed or pissed when someone said something and probably have a rant, but I was brought up to be polite so most of the time was so shocked if someone was rude, I was stunned into silence. Since becoming a mum, I hate this part because now I constantly seem to wonder what people think. He screams when I burp him ‘I promise I'm doing this to help him.’ I give him a dummy - ‘that will cause problems with his teeth and speech;’ I put him in on his own early and I started weaning him earlier - ‘that’s not what the guidelines say.’ Why do I care?! I’m Cailean’s mum, I know what’s best for him and it’s up to me.

Most of the people I refer to in the introduction are, sadly for them, old boots as I like to call them. In their 60′s plus who believe they have a right to comment or judge. They don’t actually do anything to help or support, they would prefer to give their opinion or even criticise. Take for example an instance at Waterbabies. There are around (or were) about 8 of us in the class. All mummies who have babies no younger than 12 weeks. Whether it’s our first, second etc doesn’t really matter. Now I have been extremely lucky to have Alex there 6/7 classes so there’s someone in the water with Cailean, and then the other person dries him. I’ve only been in the changing room dripping wet and trying to get Cailean dried and dressed on my own once. Most of the mums in my class have done that every single class and I take my hat off to them - you’re wet and freezing but you don’t even look at a towel until the baby is dried and dressed. The changing room was practically empty and I decided to try and put the swimwear in the drying machine. Cailean was in the middle of this central part of the changing room which was circular and we used to change all the babies. I was 1, maybe 2 feet from him watching him the whole time.This old lady then raised her eyebrow at me quizzed me on ‘is he not rolling yet? I wouldn’t be leaving him like that.’ As my mum pointed out, why couldn’t she have offered to watch him to help me?! Knowing I was on my own?! I was quite blunt: “No he’s not and I’ll worry about that when he can.” My polite way of saying sod off you stupid old woman!! In the same changing room a week later, another old cow reported my friend to the manager for putting the nappy in the wrong bin. I mean really?!?! Give us a bloody break!!!

There is a lot more about social media now about ‘bump shaming.’ People commenting on the size, shape etc of a pregnant woman’s bump. “You’re tiny;” “You’re huge;” “Are you sure it’s not twins?!” “You’re going to go early.” I always got the latter three but I wasn’t particularly bothered as I knew I was big for my frame. The irony is, I was on track to have a 7lb 10oz baby on the 7th of April, and that's exactly what happened. An average size baby (though quite long) born on his due date. However, as much as I liked my midwife, I think I've previously mentioned that she described my bump as weird. I was certainly a bit uneasy with this description, given my midwife is close to retirement. She suggested that this might be the way I carry all my children. When she saw me after Cailean was born, she said she couldn’t understand where he was hiding, as it wasn’t as if he was particularly small. It didn’t really occur to me that the ‘big/weird’ bump would actually cause me any real problems.

If I was described as ‘star’ in labour, then I can only be described as an epic failure in postpartum recovery. Everything had gone so well, there had to be something to bite me on the ass.

I think I previously mentioned I was seen by two community midwives the day after I came home from hospital. One was clearly more experienced than the other. While she saw to Cailean, her colleague checked me. When she felt my stomach, she frowned and went to get her colleague. Her colleague felt my stomach and gave a nod - “yes you can feel all the way down to the intestine and bowel. Were you told about muscle separation?” I explained yes but only at 36 weeks. “I'll drop in a tubi grip for you to wear during the day until your 6 week check.” I asked do I have to see physio? “No this should be fine until you see your GP but if you do, they’ll refer you.” Okay then.

I had been experiencing back pain which is no doubt caused by the lack of abdominal muscles to support my lower back. As I have described, I have a diastasis recti which is where the abdominal muscles have separated due to pregnancy. The abs are the only muscles designed specifically to separate, in order to accommodate a baby and the uterus during pregnancy, The human body is amazing and I don’t think you fully appreciate how amazing until you’ve been pregnant and given birth. However, sometimes the muscles don’t return to normal after pregnancy and leave a gap. The gap is measured in fingers - how many fingers are there between the left and right side post birth. It’s also measured in depth.

As you can probably guess, mine is massive. It wasn’t measured accurately until I saw physio and did a 121 Pilates session. I could tell it wasn’t great when I was in the bath - I could put my hand on my tummy and it just keep going and going down as I pressed. It seemed to have a life of its own in the water but hearing from the midwife that it was all the way to my intestine was rather shocking. I knew I couldn’t do anything until I saw my doctor at my 6 week check and hoped they could tell me more.

Just for anyone who has high expectations for the 6 week GP check - being the only check you get specifically for you and not your baby - don’t. My GP didn’t have a clue why I was there. I was allocated the standard 10 minute appointment everyone gets, and I had to tell her what I wanted checked. When I said I wanted referred to a pelvic health physio, she seemed to not know how to do this. She said ‘I suppose I'll just write a letter?’ You really do experience the best care during pregnancy and labour and immediately after birth. After that it’s all downhill from there!!

I didn’t want to any exercise at all until I had seen a physio. Lots of people offered advice and exercises they did to reduce the gap etc, but I wasn’t prepared to do anything until I was seen by a professional, as I wanted to exercise safely. I had hoped to see my physio in July (3 months after I gave birth), but had to wait until the end of the month. I had booked a 121 Pilates session and was told some things that were safe to do. It’s all relative, but that instructor assessed me at 5 fingers, telling me it was likely to be 6-9 months minimum to get back to normal. It would be a long process but I would probably benefit from joining a class with the owner who was post-natally trained.

I saw my physio shortly after. Her assessment was even more grim. My gap was 7.5 FINGERS WIDE and not just that, very deep. She could get her hand pressing down past her knuckles into my stomach. She measured it from the top to the bottom where my uterus would have been. She even brought another issue to my attention - I had an umbilical hernia and my belly button would now stick out until I had it fixed. I felt like I could cry. Yet another issue that was rearing it’s ugly head now I had given birth. Oh and the likelihood would be I would need surgery, but a General Surgeon would probably only agree to do it after I had finished having children. It might go down as my stomach did, but might not. Fabulous!

She said given how bad it was, this recovery would be at least 9 months - 1 year to try and get the gap closed as much as possible, as there was no guarantee it would go back completely. She asked was I not seen on the postnatal ward, and why was I not referred by my midwives. I explained it wasn’t even really picked up until weeks before I gave birth and then I was given a tubi grip. She was disgusted. It sounded like I had been royally shafted, judging by her comments. I should have been seen at the hospital, and at the very least, I should have been referred by my community midwives and not had to wait until my GP check. A tubi grip (unsurprisingly) had done very little if nothing at all for me and she was appalled. I told her how I thought I had a strong core, considered myself a fit person and had no idea why this had happened. She told me that despite how bad the separation was, she could tell I had strong obliques (the muscles on the side of your abdomen) and despite how strong I felt my core was, it could happen anyway. She asked me what I did at the gym and what I wanted to get back to. I explained I regularly did HIIT and cardiovascular classes and exercises. I think given the way I had fallen through the net, and my clear fitness prior to my diastasis, she immediately told me she would see me the following week but would give me exercises to do in the meantime. It was almost like she wanted to get me started as quickly as she could to get me back to recovering. I was to do the exercises 4 times a week, then also go to my Pilates class.

She also measured my stomach. 90 cm circumference, even 3 months after giving birth. That hurt. I always had in my head that I would be one of the people who sprung back to my original size post-pregnancy. I hadn’t put on any weight other than my bump and although it was massive, I genuinely was all bump and nothing else. People I saw who put on loads of weight were literally in their jeans pre-pregnancy a couple of weeks later. I have no idea if this is coincidence or not, or whether this plays any part in it, but I've found anyone I know that has a C-section seems to be back to their pre-pregnancy size quicker. It may be pure coincidence of the people I've met, but that’s just my experience. As they say though, every pregnancy is different, so even with the same mum, two pregnancies might be entirely different.

The following week when I saw my physio, she measured me again and I had already gone down 2 cm in tummy size to 88 cm. She said the gap was still as bad, but that wasn’t unusual given it had just been 1 week. She said the tension even from standing appeared better. She gave me a few more exercises and I was up to 6 exercises within a week. When I saw her next, I measured 86.5cm and the gap was slowly starting to close. It’s still massive across the middle, but dropped to 3.5 fingers at the top, 3 at the bottom, and was still measuring 4.5 in the middle. This is just going to be it now for the foreseeable future - physio every few weeks and exercises and Pilates every week.

Sometimes it’s too much to do physio and Pilates in the same day but that’s unfortunately when all my appointments fall due to my physio’s hours, coupled with the only Pilates class that had any space. Pilates has been great. The instructor is so knowledgeable, and has taken the time to really know my treatment from the physio so she can modify my exercises in class accordingly. It is frustrating however. I did boxing training, body combat, functional, circuits etc previously at the gym. I could do full press-ups, planks, sit ups, the lot. Now in Pilates, any time I hear the word ‘plank’ or ‘engage your core’ I sit still until I get my own exercise. Don’t get me wrong, I have to engage my core, but I can’t overdo it because essentially there is no core there.

I’ve been asked if it hurts. Generally, it doesn’t. However, there are times, like with any muscle worked, I can be easily fatigued, or I can get cramps after working hard. I can’t lift anything too heavy. (Try telling that to my growing baby!!) When I engage my core, I have to draw in as much as I can but cannot do anything to the point where I lose the connection. I once tried to do table top into toe taps. Basically I was lying on my back with my legs above me. I was to drop one leg so it was almost 90 degrees and stop. I misunderstood and did alternate toe taps. I’ve never seen so much panic in my usually very chilled Pilates instructor. I clearly wasn't meant to do that!! That’s how frustrating it is. I can’t even do alternate toe taps!!!! When older women (well into their 60s) are doing planks, and I'm told to do hand hovering, I struggle mentally with that. I hope it’s not forever, but I'm impatient to get back to it.

I have just had my most recent physio appointment and I'll be honest, I've been in a bit of dark cloud. This was the biggest gap between appointments since I'd started physio - 4 weeks. I was determined to break the 1.5cm deadlock. I hadn’t managed to make any of the Pilates classes but to make up for it, I had done my exercises 5 times each week. For some reason before my appointment, I felt nervous. I had to take a few minutes in the car before I went in to tell myself to chill the hell out. When I went in, my physio did her usual measurements of my actual stomach. 0.5 cm. WHAT?!?! I couldn’t understand it. She then got me on the bed to measure the gap. No change. WTF?!?!? I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I was gobsmacked and said I didn't understand how this could happen. This just didn’t make sense. I asked her the question that has been weighing heavy on my mind since I started. Would l ever get better, or was there a chance I could stay like this? When she confirmed my worst fear I felt like I'd been hit by a sledgehammer. That wasn’t what I wanted, nor hoped to hear. She looked at me and told me to blurt out what I was thinking. I just sat with my head in my hands refusing to believe that this could be happening. I asked if there is any chance that the delay in being seen had contributed - she thought it probably had. I swore inwardly. I had been royally screwed over by the very people who I couldn’t praise highly enough during my labour and birth (not those specific midwives - this is completely nothing to do with them). She asked me to go through again who checked me the following day. I told her bitterly how it had all been about breastfeeding and then I was seen by student midwife (!) who only checked to see that my uterus had contracted before I was discharged. I asked (though I already knew the answer) - could I see a PT who was postnatally trained? She shook her head. Could I use a stronger theraband with more resistance? She shook her head. Could I do anything other than the exercises? She shook her head. I could have cried. She asked me if I planned to continue with Pilates and I said yes. She agreed it would be beneficial, but at this point, how beneficial we don’t know.

My physio is now trying to get me an ultrasound to accurately measure the gap. During the appointment she said it might be the case there is significant herniation preventing the muscles from coming back together. I certainly have an umbilical hernia, but she now considers there might be even worse underlying issues. She also thinks I might need to consider surgery to fix the gap. That is major abdominal surgery which has a longer recovery time than a Cesarean section (12 weeks I believe). The key thing is I can’t have it done until I ‘finish’ having children. We haven’t confided in many people when we want to have more kids but she is one person I've told based on the fact it could impact her treatment. She is adamant this won’t happen again, because she will see me antenatally, and I'll likely be in a tuba-grip from 12 weeks of pregnancy onwards. I will continue doing exercises, antenatal pilates, and likely be taped. Postnatally, immediately after birth, I'd be seen at the hospital by her or her colleague and then treated again. However, despite all of that, there is chance the gap could be even bigger this time, depending on how much we can reduce it now.

She told me there is a band I could wear but it may not do anything at this late stage. I’ll be honest I'm still in shock. This all just happened yesterday. I didn’t cry in the appointment but got back to the car and just sobbed. How could my beautiful baby boy have caused such a major physical problem? He wasn’t massive, he wasn’t ever really in a bad enough position, there was only one of him. My physio thinks being slim, I have narrow hips so Cailean being 7lbs 10oz was big for me. I told her I don’t want to look pregnant when I'm not pregnant. Short of making a sign to hang around my neck, I'm sick of the comments, I'm sick of the looks people don’t think I see them give me when I walk past, as their eyes flick to my stomach. She too has been in my position but she doesn’t look pregnant. She pointed out it’s clear I've always been slim so it looks more obvious on me.

She basically told me, she has no idea if the treatment I get will work, and if it does, progress will be very slow, but we’re going to carry on. I’m just finding it very hard to feel positive or even have the motivation if it stops working. My appointment yesterday turned out to be more therapy than physical therapy. Due to the comments recently, I've had quite a bad few weeks. She suggested apart from the referral, she thinks I should see someone about it. I told her I knew there was a team for birth trauma. Basically, if you have a traumatic birth, you can speak to the consultants/midwives that looked after you to get clarification, closure and to talk through what happened to try and process things. I asked my physio if there was such a team that might be able to help me. My birth couldn't have gone better if I had planned it - but the physical impact that has since been missed is without doubt starting to impact on my mental and physical well-being. She pointed me in the direction of Patient Relations initially. I don’t particularly want to complain about the midwifery team but at the same time, I don’t want it to happen again, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. I’ve already had a confirmation email to say this has been passed to a Patient Relations Officer. I’m hoping to discuss my postnatal care with this person and find out what can be done so I don’t go through this again next time.

Separately, I've been having issues with my episiotomy scar. I think there is scar tissue causing me sharp pain and have been referred to Gynaecology. I have been told, they may laser it off or even fashion me another episiotomy and then stitch me again. Fantastic!

I don’t want anyone to think I'm ungrateful. Cailean is 100% worth everything that has happened to me. I know there are worse things than what I'm going through - I've been through worse things in my life. It’s just that this is soul destroying for me at the minute and after everything I've already been through, I don’t think anyone would blame me for feeling the way I do. At this point in time, I cannot be gracious to those women who just jump back to their previous size. People complain about stretch marks, or excess skin or their new body shape. I’m sorry but I would kill for that right now. I look pregnant AND I’M NOT!!!

This has all happened within the last 48 hours. If my ‘recovery’ has shown me anything - when it rains, it definitely pours...

#newmum #firsttimemum #postpartum #postpartumrecovery #diastasisrecti #postpartumbody

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mybumpbirthandbeyond · 5 years ago

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Becoming Mummy

So did you think surely my physical problems were behind me?! I certainly did. I had had thrush of the breast, mastitis and an abscess, and bad separation of my muscles (I didn’t know how bad until later.) Well lo and behold, when my milk was drying up, I noticed a red mark on my left breast this time. You guessed it! I ended up with my second lot of mastitis, in a different breast, even though I wasn’t even breastfeeding!! Back on the antibiotics for me. It was starting to feel like a very cruel joke - great pregnancy with no real complaints, couldn't have wished for a better birth and now it seemed I was being punished for those things in my postpartum recovery 🙄😢

I should also mention a common problem I did experience during pregnancy, and one which continued for a few weeks after I gave birth. I had carpal tunnel syndrome in both my wrists. Late on in my pregnancy, I felt like I had arthritis in both my wrists, and I would wake up for my (umpteenth) trip to the toilet and notice my fingers were sore and swollen. I had probably stopped wearing my engagement ring in January (being due in the April), as it was smaller than my wedding ring. I eventually took my wedding ring off the month before my due date, as I was terrified it would have to be cut off! When I had told my midwife about this at my 38 week appointment, she laughed and said you might be a bit late for physio! It was manageable and I coped by elevating my wrists on my pillow at night to allow the blood to drain away from my fingers. After I gave birth, I was disappointed to learn it hung around for a few months after. I ended up buying a wrist splint from Amazon to wear on my left. It seems silly, but they don’t sell them in pairs, so I had to gauge which wrist was worst and go with that. I went with my left, as my rings were still not going on, much to my dismay!! I eventually got my wedding band on about 8 weeks after I had Cailean but my engagement ring still wouldn’t go on!! I was actually really upset by this, having not worn it since January. The stupid things you think about in the vulnerability of being a new mother - what if people think I've had a child and I'm not married?! I don’t care about things like that in real life, it doesn’t matter if you’re married or not so who cares!! Only very narrow-minded people have issues with that, yet somehow it just flitted into my mind one day. As I say stupid thing to think! But there you go, that’s how strange things can happen when you become a parent and how self-consciousness and dark thoughts can creep in. I actually made a trip to the jewellers where we bought the rings to ask about getting it enlarged. When I told them I was 9 weeks postpartum they looked me and told me it was too soon, I should give it longer. That kind of helped me see sense! I think it was another 4 weeks before I got my engagement ring on and knew I could get it off again fairly easily. I was so happy when I did!! Honestly, when you’ve had the recovery I've had, you take the small wins where you can - which is probably not a bad rule to follow generally as a new parent!!

My husband was such a great help and support during those first few weeks. I was really lucky to have him home for 4 weeks. He took one week of paternity leave and the rest was floating annual leave. Paternity leave would have reduced his pay to half for the second week. Given I'm on statutory maternity pay, that was just not an option. It’s pretty ridiculous when you think about it!

Those first few days without him were a bit of a steep learning curve - trying to get Cailean fed and dressed and myself showered, fed and dressed to go out and walk the dogs was a bit of a challenge! I was lucky to get out before 12 initially, but luckily my two Springers were great and very patient. The most challenging part about the first days when Alex was back at work, was when Cailean was unsettled and very cranky. I’m not going to lie, it is the hardest thing to deal with when your baby is crying constantly, and you have no idea why. What makes it even worse, is the fact that when Daddy came home, it seemed to always be all smiles!! After checking his nappy, feeding him and winding him, I’m not afraid to admit that there have been a few times when I have had to leave the room for a few minutes, just to keep myself sane! (It goes without saying that Cailean was safe in his nest or Moses basket).

One particular day, when Alex was on a backshift, I struggled big time when he left. When Alex left the house, Cailean was smiling and within minutes he was screaming. It was so disheartening! It was honestly like Jekyll and Hyde. 👿 My mum called me in the evening to find out how he was. Before I even thought about it, I had told her i was having a nightmare. I hadn’t eaten dinner, and as far as I could tell there was nothing wrong with him but he just would not stop crying. When I came off the phone I was kicking myself - I was sure my mum would end up coming round to help, so I called her back and told her everything was fine now (I lied). To my relief she wasn't in the car but it turned out I caught her just before she left the house - she arrived at mine 10 minutes later. She looked after Cailean while I had my dinner and relaxed in a much needed bath, and stayed until he fell asleep. Just goes to show, the real superheroes don’t wear capes!! 🦸🏻‍♀️

A few days later, we were unlucky enough to have another trip to the hospital. Alex was still on a backshift but we had noticed in the morning, Cailean hadn't been able to poo for a few days and he was clearly struggling. We tried everything - bath, 1 fl. oz of water, cycling his legs, nappy balm around his bottom, and massaging his tummy (always clockwise!!!). He was screaming a few hours after Alex had left for work and so upset. Alex called to find out if he had pooed and when he heard him, he thought I should call NHS24. I’m not a paranoid mum by any means, but the fact we had tried everything and he was so uncomfortable, I began to worry about a blockage and also overloading him with milk. They gave me an appointment within the hour at the out of hours service. A nurse practitioner saw us in Dunfermline and Cailean by this point would not stop screaming. His temp wasn’t bad, but his heart rate was elevated. She said she could tell straight away there was something that just wasn’t right. They told us we should go to the NICU in Kirkcaldy (at the hospital where I'd given birth). We were told there might be quite a wait and this was at 9pm by that time. Thankfully, we didn't have to wait too long. The doctors were fantastic and so lovely. We made it clear we thought it was constipation but were worried there was something more serious because of everything we had tried. Well, did he not do a massive poo while waiting on the doctor coming back in the room!!! Honestly, we were so embarrassed/relieved!!! 😅🙈The doctors were so kind and made no issue of it whatsoever. They told us we had absolutely done the right thing because he was so wee, and to call back directly if there were any other issues. If you ever have any concerns, better to be safe than sorry and get it checked! They are too precious not to.

I was out with my neighbour one day, and I told her about how cranky Cailean was becoming. Having been such a happy and content baby (other than during poo gate!), he seemed to be so unhappy and typically, it was when I was on my own with him. She explained to me that Cailean was probably going through a leap. She told me about an app called the Wonder Weeks, which would track and alert you to each of your baby’s developmental leaps. It is an absolute lifesaver! It teaches you what your baby is learning during each leap (and explains the crankiness!), while telling you how long they will be experiencing it for. The app sets an alarm (we nickname it the alarm of doom!) for when the leap starts and also lists the skills the baby will exhibit at the end of each leap. Here is the link from the App Store for anyone who would like to download it: I highly recommend it!

My 6 week GP check was yet another trip to the Doctor, and I suspected, the last time I would be checked by a health professional in relation to the pregnancy, unless I made an appointment. I explained about my thus far, horrendous recovery. I also explained I suspected my thrush in my breast hadn’t cleared up. Apparently dry looking skin around the areola is a sign, as well as the fact I was still getting some pain despite not feeding. The doctor told me the cream I was given was due to the fact I was breastfeeding, but I could be prescribed much stronger medication now that I wasn’t. She checked my stitches as well as I had been feeling some discomfort down there. She said she thought there was a sore down there, but it was maybe to do with the way the stitches were healing. I explained I was told I could be referred to a physio for the separation of my abdominal muscles. What was pretty concerning, was she didn’t seem to have any idea about it at all and said she guessed that meant she would just write a letter to the physios at the hospital? I wasn’t convinced she knew what to do, but waited to see what would happen. As it happened, I received a letter within a couple of weeks offering me an appointment, but the appointment wasn’t until the start of July, and my GP check was in May. I guess it was the best I could hope for on the NHS! 🙄

In the meantime, Cailean was given his appointment for his first set of jags. His health visitor had told me to get infant paracetamol and the doses to give him throughout the day whenever he received the Men B vaccine. The fact that she had to ask whether I wanted Cailean immunised or not, was terrifying. Thanks to that report from an American doctor (who has since been struck off and all his findings disproved,) sadly, there are still people who refuse to immunise their children, and now we are seeing a return of those horrible diseases which didn’t exist for long enough. It was a no brainer for me. You can get infant paracetamol from any chemist (you have to show your red book and you’ll for it for free) and you’re advised to give your baby 2.5 ml prior to the jags, and then two further doses every four hours. Cailean was, understandably upset by his jags, although he settled quickly. He slept most of the day after the first two lots, but didn’t show any other ill effects luckily. It’s so horrible watching a needle go into your baby’s soft skin, not once but 3 times!! (for the first and third jags). The third set were definitely the worst for Cailean for some reason. He was just very unsettled and upset the whole day, so much so that I decided against his Baby Sensory class that day. Thankfully, that’s the end of them until he is 1!

Speaking of classes, at around 9/10 weeks, I decided to enrol Cailean in Baby Sensory. Most baby classes you’ll find are based on school term time, so you can usually book a block, bearing in mind that there will usually be a break at some point. Baby Sensory gives babies all types of different stimulation through song, sign language and different objects. Every week is a different theme, but the song at the start and the end are always the same so the babies can learn what to expect. The lady who takes our classes puts so much into it! I couldn’t imagine having to sterilise and disinfect as many different things as she does. It’s a great way to meet other mums and babies. What I like most about it, is seeing the development and how much Cailean has come on since he started. I decided to wait until he was 9/10 weeks, as I didn’t think he would get much out of it before then. His first few classes, he only lasted the first half of the hour, and then fell asleep! Some babies come earlier and it is from 0-6 months, but I definitely think he showed more interest being the age he was. Although he still has his moments, he loves the class and has even started smiling and noticing other babies, which is the cutest thing ever! 🥰🙊

I also take Cailean to Baby Massage which we have just started. Amazingly, this is a free class! It’s such a nice thing to do, and a great way to learn about what can relax your baby, and even help with things like colic and constipation etc.

One of the best classes we have done so far though, is Water Babies. It is expensive, but the fact your baby is learning to swim from as young as 12 weeks old, is incredible! Cailean was very nearly a water birth, which I think might also contribute how calm he is in the water, as well of course as babies being in the amniotic fluid. The classes are only held in pools warm enough for babies, although we bought Cailean a wee sleeveless wetsuit just to keep him a wee bit warmer. I've not yet braved taking him on my own - my husband has been at all of the classes so far. With Alex working shifts, he won’t always be able to make it, so I said he should go in the pool with him when he can. It also helps to have an extra pair of hands when changing! There have only been 3 classes so far, but he hasn’t cried once (Cailean that is, not Alex!!)! I couldn't believe it when, at the end of the first class, the instructor told us the babies would be going under. However, I needn’t have worried, Cailean did brilliantly! He certainly thought about crying initially, but changed his mind and is now under quite a few times in each class. What’s great about the classes is that you are taught how to teach your baby to swim. There are no armbands, and much of the class is about safety and repetition so the babies come to expect when they will go under, etc. It’s amazing how many of the skills are actually based on babies natural instincts but they always find a way to make it fun!

In my next blog, I'll cover sleep (or lack thereof!) and also our first trip with Cailean (practicalities) and my ongoing recovery.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank each of you who have taken the time to read my ramblings so far. I started this blog in the hopes that my experiences might help even just one other person in knowing what to expect, but it’s also helping me deal with the struggles of my recovery and the steep learning curve that is becoming a new mum. Please continue to share with others if you feel it would be useful and if you’re enjoying the blog. We’re all just winging it on a daily basis, and the support network is vital to keep us all going when the days are hardest! 💖 xx

#newblog #newmum #firsttimemum #4thtrimester #postpartumrecovery #mybumpbirthandbeyond

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