#back 2 work now i just had to yack this out

[artificialqueens]

🏳️‍🌈 WeHo Trans Nights: Chapter 2 (Bianca Del Rio / BenDeLaCreme ; Multi) - Imafuckinglibra

A/N : Listen, this is once again just pure smut with a smiiiiidgen of plot. This mini series is just trans characters getting some good ol’ lovin from other trans characters and this week it’s the boys’ turn. Like last time the art for these guys will be up next queue pinky promise, k bye.

“Bet if we get you a drink, you’ll do it in one take,” Ben tried to lighten the mood with a reassuring hand on Roy’s shoulder.

They were in the small dressing room of their local comedy club, each preparing for their respective sets when the club promoter asked them to film a short reel for their next lineup. 

The usual who, when and what they’d be doing song and dance. Ben had seen Roy film a million of these before, but this was his first hosting gig and he was already cracking under the pressure and presumably a severe case of imposter syndrome. 

Unable to even pull himself together to film a simple video, let alone go out and face the crowd of drunk Wednesday night patrons after he bombed his opening few jokes. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Ben tried again, this time sitting closer, trying to genuinely comfort him. “C’mon tell Uncie Ben, what’s yacking your yums?”

“It’s yucking,” Roy corrected, finally cracking a hint of a smile. “Yucking your yums, and that’s not what that means.” 

“Attaboy!” Ben patted his back. “See, you do have it in you to be helpful.”

“Oh fuck off!” Roy pushed him. 

A gesture Ben knew to read as his own unique little way of saying he appreciated him.

Roy was one of those work friends that had just never quite crossed the border into ‘real friends.’  They ran in similar circles, and were friendly enough, but they never spent much time together outside of the club.

Still, having his cranky confidant was a comfort — that miserable face he always looked for as soon as he walked through the door of their usual club.

“Spit it out, why are you all,” Ben waved his hand in the air, “brooding?”

“Brooding? I- fuck you, I’m not brooding.”

“You’re always brooding,” he rolled his eyes. “But this isn’t your usual brooding, this is a new self-sabotaging brooding.”

“Why don’t you—“ Roy sighed, pursing his lips into a relenting frown. “Ugh…fine, I kind of did something…” he thought it over but gave up. “I don’t know.”

“Oh god,” Ben reached for his imaginary pearls, eyes wide in horror. “You finally killed Joslyn. I knew it, I knew you’d snap one day I just didn’t expect-”

“Would you quit it? I ditched Shane’s party to go have sex with Kylie, okay,” he admitted. “And hey! They’ll never be able to pin that Joslyn shit on me, I know how to hide a body.”

“Oh you’re right,” Ben stood up, pacing the room. “It’s horrible. It’s worse than I thought! Oh my god, Roy,” he stopped to look Roy in the eyes. “You had sex with a beautiful woman and now your life is over.”

“Will you shut the fuck up!” Roy hit his arm.

“Why are you pouting about hitting the jackpot?” Ben came to sit on the counter in front of him, waving his palms in the air.

Roy flashed a shit-eating grin, adding, “Multiple times.” 

“Oh my god,” Ben dropped his hands to his sides. “Get out of my face before I forget I used to like you…How was it?” Ben suddenly asked. His curiosity had gotten the better of him.

“What?” 

“How was it?” Ben shrugged again, his face felt a little darker red than normal, hoping to live vicariously through Roy’s escapades.

“It was…um…“

“Wow, you’re even speechless. That good?” 

“Well, she-“ Roy’s voice broke into a laugh.

“What?” he interrupted him, “she came over and over and called you a god?”

“Not in so many words but…” Roy raised his eyebrows knowingly.

“Roy,” Ben sighed, digging the back of his knuckles into his eyes. “I hate you. I literally…hate you.”

“Wait, weren't you at the party?” Roy sat up straighter, his hands resting on Ben’s thighs.

 He was, but he didn’t particularly feel like talking about it. 

“What did Shane look like after we left? Was he pissed? It was right around when Trixie and Jinkx start—oh,” Roy flinched, pulling back and giving a sympathetic smile. “I forgot, sorry.”

“Oh it’s so fine,” Ben lied, the rise in his voice betrayed him. “But I don’t know, I just stayed till Jinkx showed up and then it got a little awkward.”

“Right,” Roy nodded, and Ben braced himself for the usual pity everyone showed when they talked about his decade long relationship ending. 

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not,” Roy’s pitch rose. “I just, I don’t want to talk about the whole deal with Shane or Kylie. It’s…” he frowned. “It’s complicated. I would rather just ‘brood’ and go find someone else to keep me warm for the night, I guess.”

Ben felt a little twinge of guilt tugging at him, suddenly unsure how to respond to this display of genuine human emotions from a man he thought was half robot. 

“I get what you mean.”  Ben reached out to pat his shoulder. “Since Jinkx and I broke up, I’ve tried reaching out to them just to talk it out, but it’s a weird feeling to have feelings for your friend…you feel me?”

“You are so annoying,” Roy rolled his eyes, grinning ear to ear.

“I know,” Ben nodded, happy to see Roy’s shoulders straighten out again.

“Be honest,” Roy sighed. “You’re not upset because you saw Jinkx at the party with someone new. It’s because that meant you couldn’t get laid, right?”

Leave it to Roy Haylock to be sympathetic in the most roundabout way possible.

“Can’t even try to deny it,” Ben shook his head, his lips pursed in disappointment. “Seriously, I’m so pent up I even winked at my toothbrush.”

“You’re kidding,” 

“It vibrates.” 

Roy’s head flopped backward, laughing louder than he’d heard him in a while.

“It’s bad, Roy. I’m desperate. Yesterday I went to a sex shop and the guy asked how he could help me, I said just give me anything that takes diesel.”

“You’re so stupid,” Roy wiped some tears from his eyes. “Ah…fuck.”

“We can’t all get the hot blondes, can we?”

“Oh please,” Roy huffed. “I’ve been just as dry as you since the party, so don’t try that shit.”

“You mean you’re not all exclusive now?” Ben decided to pry for his own self-satisfaction.

“You know I don’t do relationships, they’re just…not my thing,” Roy shrugged. “I like getting my yums yucked and that’s it.” 

“But I thought-” Ben stopped to frown at the shitty joke Roy made. “I just thought, since you-” 

“You can have sex without dating, Ben,” Roy interrupted with a dry tone. “You can even just have sex with friends if you don’t feel like looking around, it’s fine. Just don’t do it too often; apparently that leads to feelings.”

“Gross.” 

“Horrible,” Roy smiled. “But you know I’m right.”

“I know it’s just, I’ve been with Jinkx since before I transitioned. I haven’t had to date in a decade and it feels a little uncomfortable explaining all this,” he gestured to himself, waving his hands over his body. 

“Hm,” Roy nodded deep in thought. “Yeah, you are abhorrent to be around.”

“The phrase is terminally delightful, I’ll have you know.”

“I prefer you just terminal,” Roy smiled the same fake gotcha grin he gave to hecklers. 

Ben wanted to throw back another zinger but his mind had gone blank. He quickly took another sip from his drink to avoid Roy seeing him stumble.

“Is that another reason why you sleep with friends?” A lightbulb went off over Ben’s head.

“Not exactly,” Roy drew his words out as if he was considering a good way to answer. “But it does help — IF they already know. Adore and I were friends, but she didn’t know the first time we had sex and that was a whole mess.”

“Uh-huh, yeah, right,”  Ben shifted his weight from one foot to another, building the courage to ask. “So um-“ his voice cracked. “So what’re your plans after the show?”

“Nothing yet…” Roy’s dimples deepened into a knowing smile.

“I mean…we both know and we’re not particularly close friends so there’s no risk of it being weird and, you know, it might not be so bad having another option if your bed ever gets too cold.”

“Is that an invitation?” Roy stepped closer.

“Maybe.”

“Ben?” 

Ben looked up, “Yeah?”

“I want to hear you say it first,” Roy smiled, leaning closer to him. “Are you asking to go to bed with me?”

“I could be?” Ben flinched, suddenly too embarrassed to say the words. 

“That’s just maybe with more steps,” Roy grinned. “Yes or no baby.”

Ben’s eyes darted around nervously, finding it hard to keep eye contact or focus and his throat too dry to respond he grabbed Roy’s cheeks and pulled him in for a kiss.

“God yes,” he finally breathed. 

“Wait,” Roy pulled away. “You mean you want to do this right now?”

“Is that a problem?” 

“Not at all,” Roy leaned in, teasing him with another kiss. “You just didn’t seem like the type.”

“Maybe I’m broadening my horizons,” Ben moaned when Roy’s fingers ran through his hair, mentally rolling his eyes at himself. “Pretend you didn’t hear that.”

“Already?” Roy teased.

“Toothbrush.”

“Right, my bad.”

All tension left his body as Roy pressed him against the counter, his thigh between his legs pressing his packer against himself.

Roy’s hands traveled over his body, first caressing along his jaw till his lips replaced them, kissing his neck while his slender fingers whispered down his arms, leaving goosebumps in their trail. 

“Is this okay?” Roy asked when his hands rounded Ben’s hips, giving his ass a firm squeeze through his jeans. Ben nodded. “Use your words, tell me what you want.”

“Can you keep going?” Ben asked, reaching for Roy’s wrist to bring his hand towards his zipper. 

Roy smiled against him, licking a tender spot along his pulse point. “Then what?”

“Then, um-” Roy’s fingers slid down into Ben’s jeans, brushing against his dick. “Yeah, that.”

When Ben started wearing those foam packers built into his underwear at the start of his transition, he did it just because of general laziness, but now it gave Roy such easy access to his target that he couldn’t help but wonder if that was part of the design. 

“Wait!”

“What?” Roy abruptly stopped what he was doing, watching him first with panic then relief as he reached over to lock the door next to them. “Smart.”

“I know,” Ben smiled, wiggling his hips closer to Roy, “But we have to be quick, I have to be on stage in 10 minutes.”

“No, you don’t,” Roy pulled his fingers out to give them a good sloppy lick, “Alyssa’s on, you have at least 30.”

“That would be so much funnier after you finger me,” Ben noted. Cringing at his own brash words. 

“Oh is that what I’m doing?” Roy teased, pulling on Ben’s waistband so he could get a good view before he demanded, “ask nicely first.”

“Pretty please?” Ben felt like rolling his eyes, he wasn’t used to having to beg like this, but he kind of liked it.

Roy, still holding back his waistband so they could both watch, slid his wet fingers back between his thighs.

“Fuck!”  Ben gasped at the relief, forgetting momentarily where they were.

Holding onto the countertop a little tighter for stability, Ben rolled his hips up, grinding his dick between Roy’s flat fingers.

“Oh, that’s so good.” 

“Yeah?” Roy teased him a little longer, his whole hand sliding up and down Ben’s slit. 

His middle fingertip just barely applied any pressure to his entrance but it was enough that Ben could feel the coil in his stomach turn.

Ben reached for his wrist again, guiding his hand back further till Roy got the message.

“Do you want one or two?” he asked.

“One,” Ben swallowed a whimper as Roy’s finger worked him open. 

It felt amazing; the heel of Roy’s palm pressing firmly against him every time he’d curl back inside. All the while Roy watched him with intense focus, biting his lip.

“Faster,” Ben panted, his ass sliding lower off the counter to accommodate easier access for Roy. “But-but let me kiss you.”

Roy leaned in, pressing their bodies together, catching all his moans in his mouth just in time as he curled his finger inwards a little more forcefully, applying more of that intoxicating pressure.

He felt like exploding, like the only thing keeping him grounded was Roy, his lips against his, his flexing shoulder muscles that he clung onto. Even the digit he rode so thoroughly. The thrill of knowing they could be caught pushing him even further. 

Roy gave one more deep push and without warning he burst, all his muscles clenching and releasing over and over. Desperate to hold onto the feeling a little longer he clung onto Roy tighter till he could compose himself.

He waited for Roy to pull out, but instead, he carefully continued his original pattern, just slower. Even the palm against his dick eased up on its pressure, essentially holding him in place till his legs felt stable again.

“That felt really good,” he spoke in his normal tone again. Feeling a bit embarrassed for his reaction. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad,” Roy smiled, pulling his hand back. “But I have to go wash up before my set. We can pick up after, if you want?”

“Really?” 

“Of course,” Roy shrugged. “Didn’t think that’s all I’m leaving you with, did you? I have a reputation to uphold.”

“You’re not powered by diesel are you?” Ben laughed sheepishly, his face still glowing red.

“Nope,” Roy shook his head. “Last I checked just good ol’ Fireball.”

“Well then,” Ben jumped off the counter and zipped up his pants. “Let’s go get you some more!”

-

They were already making out as they entered the apartment, lazily exploring one another's bodies. Tender kisses while fingers spread through hair, down collars and shoulders even as they walked towards the couch. Only stopping when Roy’s calf hit the coffee table.

“Would-would you like something to drink?” Ben asked through their kiss. “Glass of water? A snack? Maybe an hors d’oeuvre?

“No thank you,” Roy smiled against his lips, dragging out another slow kiss. “But I really,” another kiss, “really I appreciate the hospitality.”

He could feel Ben relaxing into his touch, growing more comfortable in the way he was kissing him back, releasing that anxiety he held. 

Roy went to work removing Ben’s shirt, unbuttoning the god-awful rainbow button-up he wore. He could feel Ben’s breathing change but when he reached the last button, he felt his whole posture tighten.

“Huh,” Roy stood back after letting the shirt drop to the floor. He reached for Ben’s chest, gingerly feeling around his collarbones and the top of his pecs; anything not covered by his undershirt. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

“What?” 

“Nothing I just-” He shook his head. “I love a bitch who shaves their chest but not their pubes.”

“Oh. My. God.” Ben rolled his eyes, breaking into a relaxed laugh again. “Watch it,” he said, taking hold of Roy’s chin. “One of these days I’m getting you a muzzle.”

“You know you should wear just this more often,” Roy noted, paying no mind to Ben’s idle threats, tugging at the hem of his white tank top. “You look great in it.”

“You think so?” He blushed.

Roy didn’t answer; he let his actions speak for themselves, pulling Ben’s body against his own so their bulges pressed together, kissing along his stubbled jaw, his neck and down his clavicle. 

As much as he wanted to use his teeth and mark Ben’s pale skin, he didn’t want to put too much on him too fast.

Till he pulled off Ben’s shirt and saw his exposed torso, instinctively he reached for his sides, pulling his chest closer to suck on the skin near the center of his sternum. His teeth grazed the soft flesh, nipping delicately when Ben coughed.

“Um, could you be a little more careful around,” he circled his chest, “there? It’s still a little…unpleasant.”

“Gotcha,”  Roy skipped his chest, instead traveling lower to his belly, kissing below his belly button where Ben came alive. 

It was like a switch was flipped; Ben’s hands on the back of his head gently nudging him lower till Roy got the message. 

Roy helped him backwards to lay down on the corner sofa where he could more easily remove Ben’s jeans. 

The little whimpered breaths escaping Ben’s lips every time Roy’s hands touched a new part of his exposed skin made him almost too irresistible. 

He took his sweet time, making sure his nails raked up and down his legs whenever he’d remove another piece of clothing, especially his underwear. 

Ben’s hips practically bucked up on their own when he finally settled between his thighs, his fingertips dancing around his hip bones, over his belly and his rapidly rising and falling chest. 

Watching his body language intensely to gauge when he’d had enough. 

“If this is payback for heckling you during your set that one time,“ Ben sighed, sitting up on his elbows so he could see what was taking so long.

“Not at all,” Roy shook his head, following Ben’s eyes down to where his fingertips were playing with his haphazardly trimmed pubes. He kept getting so close to his dick but never close enough, no matter how much Ben’s hips tried wiggling closer. “I just like taking my time so I know what feels good.”

“What if I just tell you what feels good?” Ben snarked, more annoyed this time.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Roy’s tongue brushed against him, earning a long awaited moan, his deep voice practically vibrating through Roy’s body. 

“I see your point,” Ben swallowed, holding Roy’s head with the back of his hand. His hips riding against his face more with each deliberate flick of his tongue till Roy was satisfied enough spit had worked its way down. 

He gave another long, flat lick for good measure before working a finger in, tip first, steadily curling it inwards till Ben melted into nothingness.

He kissed along his thighs, sucking in bits of soft flesh as Ben fucked down into his finger till his moans turned ragged. 

“Oh, f-fuck!” Ben exclaimed, falling back into the sofa when Roy took his dick in his mouth again, sucking on it the same way he’d done his now bruised thighs, all while pressing a little harder into his g-spot. 

When he hollowed out his cheeks Ben was practically shaking, his knuckles tight on the blanket underneath him, and just when Roy started to feel him clench around his finger he pulled out. Leaving Ben practically weeping.

He knew it was a little cruel, but that was half the fun — feeling Ben get desperate. The way his body writhed under his touch was too delicious.

“Impatient?” 

“You have no idea,” Ben panted, catching a little giggle in his throat, his eyes still shut tight. 

“Here, can you keep yourself busy for a second while I grab the rod?” Roy asked, guiding Ben’s hand between his thighs.

“Sure.” Ben sat up, holding back from touching himself too much and spoiling the fun while he watched Roy. “What’s the rod?”

“It’s the,” Roy dug a black satin bag out of the backpack they’d dropped on the floor when they walked in. “The thing that makes me uh, erect. Unless…do you not want-“

“Oh!” Ben blushed, catching on to what Roy meant. “So you are actually going to-“

“Fuck you?” Roy smirked. “If you would like that, then yeah.”

“Hm-mh,” Ben nodded enthusiastically, clearly pleased with this turn of events. “I’d like that very much.”

“I mean,” Roy momentarily lost his train of thought as he watched Ben take his little solo session further, sliding his hand down to use his own wetness as lube to jerk off with. “Oh don’t do this to me,” he growled, palming himself through his pants, finding he was the one growing desperate now. “God I want to fuck you.”

“Better hurry up then.”

Roy didn’t waste any time removing his shoes, his pants or anything else in his way. He did his best to slip his rod into his packer while it was against him. A little awkward at first with his jeans unbuttoned around his hips but he managed. 

And Ben, with his own sense of urgency, certainly wasn’t going to complain about his efficiency.

“Here,” Roy finally stood back in front of him again, handing him a condom and a small foil packet of lube. 

This felt different for Ben than he thought it would, a sense of calm and almost comradery with Roy that he didn’t think he’d feel with new partners. 

Maybe because of their years-long acquaintanceship, or the fact that he knew Roy understood how to work his body better than most cis partners would.

“Ready?” Roy asked, looking down at him, eyes hungry as Ben worked his dick, slathering it in lube. Roy’s chest rose with every stroke, finally showing his own signs of impatience. 

“Uh huh.” He nodded, rolling over on all fours with his ass in the air so Roy would have a better angle to work with.

“Fuck, just look at you,” Roy exhaled, admiring Ben’s slick thighs and wet pubes, spreading him open with his fingers.

“Oh for the love of…just put it in already,” Ben caught himself.

“Well well,” Roy smacked him on the ass, rubbing his tip around Ben’s entrance. 

Given everything else, Ben expected Roy to be brash and controlling, just blindly shoving it in. But no, he actually took the time with his hands on the small of his back to guide it in as carefully as he could till Ben was ready to push back.

Still, he couldn’t help but let out a whine when he felt the familiar sharp pressure wash over him. It had been so long since he’d been with another partner, it almost took him by surprise how different he felt. 

“More.” He reached back and tapped Roy’s leg.

Roy’s hips moved slowly, thrusting his whole dick in till it hit his ass before he’d slide out. Praising him all the way with soft touches to his body. 

The back of his nails trailing thin lines along his thighs and up his ass, grabbing a fistful to use as leverage to push back into him.

“Fuck you’re good at that,” Ben moaned, dropping his head deeper into the sofa cushions.

He was so focused on all the sensations tingling along his skin and through his body, he almost missed Roy’s breathing pick up, but once he heard it he lasered in.

Paying close attention to every sound that came from him till he couldn’t resist sneaking a peek, peering over his shoulder to catch a glimpse of Roy’s face.

He was beautiful, with his brows furrowed tight, eyes locked on where their bodies met, mouth opened as he let out deep breaths and hushed moans. Sweat beads collected on his chest, rising and falling faster.

Then he clocked it, every now and then he’d slip; he’d shut his eyes and try to catch his breath discreetly, his mouth contorting into silent curses as if he was holding himself back.

Ben couldn’t take it anymore, he nervously tapped back behind him, reaching for any part of him. “I..I’m gonna come…”

“Already?” Roy asked smugly, forcefully pulling Ben back against his chest, trapping him in his arms so he could pick up his pace.

“Shut up,” Ben groaned, guiding Roy’s hand to his dick. 

“Like before, please…like…” He croaked, turning into a ragdoll in Roy’s arms. “Like that…more like that…”

He had no clue how good it was going to feel until, out of nowhere, he couldn’t stop his hips from shaking.

The rest of his body tingled like he was about to experience the best out of control high of his life. Roy’s proud smile and own moans caught in the back of his neck as he pounded into him.

His hips slapping into his ass faster the more incoherent Ben’s cries grew till everything went into free fall. 

Any ability to breath or speak or even think was inexplicably lost on him. Like his whole body was being consumed by this deep pleasure washing over him.

He thanked God or whoever would listen for Roy’s arms still around him, grounding him as he slowly descended from whatever cloud he’d accidentally floated to. Talking him down with inaudible sweet nothings and kissing along his back. 

“Goddamn,” Roy sighed satisfactorily, carefully pulling out of him.

“I wouldn’t quite say you’re a god,” Ben curled his lip, “maybe god-like…god-esque.” 

“I’ll be sure to put that on my resumé,” Roy pushed him down into the couch pillows, back to his old self. 

“So do you use that thing on everyone?” he asked, now sitting upright when Roy came back from discarding the condom.

“Only if they want me to,” Roy shrugged, leaning down to kiss him tenderly, as if this was natural for them.

“And do they reward you for it?” He pulled their lips apart, unsure what else to do or say in the moment. 

“Only if I want them to.”

With his big puppy dog eyes still looking up at him, Ben reached for Roy’s half zipped jeans, sliding them off till he could step out of them.

“Do we still need this?” Ben asked, poking at Roy’s packer.

“Depends what you have in mind?”

“I can manage,” Ben smiled, running his hands towards Roy’s ass where he pulled off his underwear, making a mental note about the inside of his packer having ridges to grind against. “Close your eyes.”

Roy hesitated, but with a deep breath in he obeyed.

Ben reached behind him, fumbling with some of the blankets and pillows spread out on the sofa till he found his target.

Roy waited patiently, his lips twitching into a smile at the anticipation of what could possibly be waiting for him. 

“Oh…fu-uck,”  Roy moaned, his eyes shooting open when he felt something vibrate against him. “Dirty trick you pulled there, huh?”

“I know,” Ben blushed, proud of himself. With his free arm around Roy’s waist he pulled him down onto the seat, switching their original positions but this time with Ben between his legs.

He wasn’t much of a tease, preferring to get straight to the point and licking around Roy’s dick as soon as he got up close with it. Something which Roy, still rock hard and deprived of his earlier orgasm, greatly appreciated.

Roy was so lost in the moment he didn’t even pick up that Ben had reached for the packet of lube still next to him till he felt the cold sticky touch of the vibrator nudging around his core.

Normally Roy wouldn’t think twice about asking his partner to stick to his growth and avoid wandering hands or tongues. But after his encounter with Kylie he’d grown a new tolerance, some might even say fondness, for some experimenting.

Ben must’ve picked up on this as he asked, “is this okay?” 

“Yeah,” Roy gulped, finding his hips instinctively rolled up against the gentle buzzing of the toy. “But I think just, just keep that there.”

Ben followed orders extremely well, responding with glee to each hair tug or grunt coming from Roy, pleasuring him just how and where he needed it most.

“I’m so grateful you’re a better cocksucker than you are a writer,” Roy joked, grabbing a good handful of curly black hair so he could fuck his face.

“That’s it,” Ben pulled back, shaking his hand loose. He stood up, reached for the nearest piece of fabric and shoved it unceremoniously into Roy’s mouth before he could get another word out. “I warned you.”

Roy wanted to protest, but he was laughing too hard at the unexpected turn of events, ready to pull Ben’s underwear out of his mouth and throw another jab when he sunk between his legs again.

Hollowing his cheeks out around Roy’s dick, he swirled his tongue around the head, making him cry out in glorious ecstasy. He bit down into the underwear, feeling unexpectedly grateful for it as his hips bucked under him.

Pressing the tip of the toy he’d forgotten about against himself, causing a loud guttural moan he didn’t know he had in him. 

He looked up at Ben, frantically searching for his eyes to warn him of what was about to happen when Ben let his dick go with a loud pop. Flicking the tip with his pointed tongue instead.

“Oh fuck you,” Roy managed through the muffle of the fabric.

Roy was a mess. He could picture it, envisioning how pathetic he must have looked with his sweat drenched forehead, trembling thighs and clenched fists either side of Ben’s head as he rode him for dear life.

He was so close, right about to cross the threshold when the vibrations went from perfect to too much, overstimulating him in a way he wasn’t used to. 

“What do you need?” Ben asked, removing the underwear from his mouth. 

“This…it’s-it’s-“ he could barely form a sentence, feebly trying to reach for the toy but Ben got the general idea, turning it on a lower setting instead. “Yeah, that’s…it…fuck!”

Roy came louder than he’d anticipated, forgetting for a second about the person trapped between his clenched shut thighs till he heard Ben wince.

He let go, throwing his arms back either side of himself to grab whatever blankets laid under him when he felt the sensation change.

Ben, ever the fast learner, had shifted his technique; sliding Roy’s dick in and out between his lips while licking along the underside, easing him through the torturous sensitivity till he felt the knot in his belly tighten again. 

For probably the first time in his life, Roy was speechless, utterly out of a single word to say as he watched with strained eyes the way his dick disappeared between those thin lips. 

His mouth agape as he rode out the second wave till he couldn’t take it anymore. Unable to show any composure or even pretend to. His whole body shuddering uncontrollably as he fucked Ben’s face, whimpering broken commands and praises along the way.

Ben’s beautiful big eyes watching him with endearment he’d never noticed from him before.

“Jesus christ, that…that’s—“ He pulled out of Ben’s mouth, giving his dick a few more deliberate strokes till it stopped pulsing. “Fucking…perfect.”

Finally satisfied, he plopped himself down dramatically, arms stretched out above his head as Ben’s fingers massaged his thigh, caressing his sore muscles.

“God that was fun,” Ben surprised him by gliding his hands along his flexed abs, making his skin tingle with a strange delight. “Do…do you think we could, maybe do that again?”

“Oh we are definitely doing that again, goddamn.” Roy exhaled, a chuckle in his throat.

He could feel a wet spot under his butt, unsure if it was him or Ben’s spit from his sloppy blowjob. 

He ran his hand down his slit where they both watched as he pulled his finger back with a sticky line of his cum following out. “Jesus christ, I don’t think I’ve been like this in ages,” he laughed nervously. “I need a towel or something.”

“Oh my god, that’s so hot,” Ben said, watching him, practically licking his lips at the sight. 

“You like that baby?” Roy hammed it up, arching his back a little so Ben could get a first class view of his fingers spreading a mix of cum and lube around himself.

Ben reached over and with his thumb lifted Roy’s dick, gently rubbing the underside of it till it gave a weak twitch back to life. 

“I never realized how big you were,” he admitted, blushing slightly. “Real mouthful.” 

“Honduran.” Roy shrugged as if he hadn’t told that joke a million times, pulling Ben closer so they’d be straddled together. “Why? You are ready for a little more.”

He watched Ben pretend to think it over, eyes gleaming with enthusiasm as he nodded eagerly, “What’s another round between friends, right?” 

Pride Challenge Points: 11,202

[olderjodijournals]

Friday, December 1, 1995

 

Yesterday I got two canvases, brush cleaner, a brush-cleaning tub, and two new spiral journals.

We checked out a paper store, but all they had were kits to glue books and plastic spirals. I want metal ones cuz they’re sturdier. The damn paper puncher costs $300.

A part of me wishes I got a puzzle instead and a doggie mug instead of the stuff for painting. I took a shot at painting today and I did a nice sky, mountain, grass, and an evergreen tree, but I fucked up my other tree and the area around that. I don’t know if I can salvage that area, but I can’t try to fix it till it’s dry. If I try painting over a blue area with green, for example, the two colors will only blend together.

I took a tiny canvas and painted it pinkish-red. When this dries, I’ll paint white lily flowers on it with green leaves around it. Then I’ll outline it for contrast with brown using a liner. Also using a liner, I’ll put brown veins in the leaves. I’d really love to paint different cactuses which I’ve got pictures of, but there are so many tiny lines going in several different directions, that it seems like it may be impossible to do both with the liner as well as with the knife.

I have another idea for the big canvas. To make 6 squares, 3 on the right and 3 on the left. Paint each square a different color, then do a different flower design in each square after the background colors dry.

Saturday, December 2, 1995

 

Tom’s at work till noon. Meanwhile, I’m working on my story and I’ve printed out 64 pages of it.

I drew some really good pictures of a few different cactuses as well as a mule deer.

Now it’s time to type letters, so they can go out Monday.

Later...

Right now Tom’s clearing out space in the garage so we can set up for the tag sale.

He has shown practically no interest in me sexually. I’m surprised I’m not bothered by it. Maybe it’s cuz I’m sick of the same old shit. Unless someone’s going down on me to get off, sex is so fun with someone like him who never gets off. If he were constantly all over me or if he got off every other time, that’d be different. He’s just gotten to be old and boring news when it comes to sex. He’ll always be the same. We do whatever every day for about 4 days, then he won’t touch me. It’s always the same old shitty boring cycle that goes on while he insists he wants to “progress” sexually. He’ll always cry no opportunity and tells me what will help him cum. I can’t help him. There’s nothing at all I can do for him. He needs to help himself and come out of denial and let us use some form of birth control. Then hopefully his games, teasing and lies will stop. Then I won’t feel as abnormal and uncomfortable about sex being just for me and not mutual, should he remain as he is.

He told me he wouldn’t feel comfortable about jerking off in front of me cuz he wouldn’t get off by it. Well, of course not. That’d be too much of a dead giveaway and he doesn’t want to rub it in or tease me that much. He wants to keep me wondering, suspecting, and thinking about it. So, if he were to cum, it’d be awfully obvious and spoil the game. Then there’d be nothing to tease about.

Otherwise, we’re getting along much better. I’m having fewer depression/anger spells over never having a kid and we’re fighting much less. I think, though, it’s cuz I’m so used to his ways now and know he’s set in them, won’t budge and I’m moving into the next phase which is acceptance. Even the thought of seeing a Dr. in ‘97 has got me wondering if I’ll get cold feet when the time comes.

Sunday, December 3, 1995

 

Larry just called. He said he wanted to call me cuz he'd be busy tomorrow and also cuz he didn't think he'd be able to get through with Tammy yacking away.

Monday, December 4, 1995

 

As I knew it would be, this birthday sucks so far. Tom’s getting me back for ruining his birthday last June. To go over it again, well, last June I was still having a hard time accepting the fact that I could never have a kid and was really upset about that as well as his not cumming. Back then was when the truth was just starting to hit me so it was a very depressing time for me. I wasn’t able to accept and say to myself back then, “OK, he did a raunchy thing by lying to me. He knew damn good and well he never intended to cum and he sure as hell doesn’t want a kid. I will never forgive him and I shouldn’t have to, but I love him to death nonetheless, no one’s perfect, we all say we’re gonna do things we don’t mean to do and there’s still so much good in him. Like 95% of him. So, just accept it and know that a kid was never fated to be anyway and that it’s not for you.”

He’s the kind of guy, like me, who gives what he gets.

Now while he does have a problem with being asked certain requests, he’s gotten better, so I wasn’t surprised when he used my asking him to please make sure he puts my coffee can covers on tightly as an excuse to make my day rather lousy. He then said OK, pretty solemnly, then walked away. I asked where he was going, and he said he was just staying out of my way. Then I said, “Oh, yeah, I get it. Payback’s due cuz of what happened on your birthday.” Then I said we could fight about it and he said he didn’t want to ever fight with me. Yeah, sure. I’m sure he got a kick out of it much as all this teasing with sex/kid.

I said nothing was going on (he asked me, probably hoping I’d bring up the issue of a kid), but that I could make something up if it’d make him happy. He just muttered goodbye and left.

Someone’s next door right now with a big truck and I saw someone cleaning the front door. I wouldn’t be too shocked if someone moved in today since both Tom and God are gonna see to it that I don’t have too good of a day as payback for my spoiling Tom’s birthday. The only difference is that I didn’t mean to ruin Tom’s birthday last June. He intends to ruin mine. I can almost bet he’s at work now thinking of how I’m still not pregnant and laughing his ass off about it.

How can I feel so loved and blessed by this man, yet so manipulated and played with? For the last week, he played with me on the issue of sex like crazy. Now we had fun over his days off, laughing and joking and this and that, but in between, I had to deal with his fucking games.

Saturday, he went down on me, then I went to take care of him and he said he didn’t feel like screwing. We hadn’t screwed for days before this. Now you tell me…what kind of red-blooded man can do that? Before going down on me he was in the bathroom for a while claiming to have to take a dump. I think that was when he relieved himself. If I relieved myself 5 minutes prior to doing whatever that took me only 10 minutes to do, I wouldn’t be in the mood to fuck around either.

It’s like he’s even teasing me during sex. He used to almost always lick my pussy perfectly, but now he’s constantly going too high, too low, too light, or too hard.

I just wish I knew what I did to make him feel the need to do this to me. All I ever did was ask to have a child and help with the singing. His voice said yes, but his actions said no. I may no longer want to be a singer and a part of me may want the kidless, but must I deal with this year after year? It’s like, OK I get the message. We won’t have a kid and I won’t sing, but do you have to keep playing games with me?

I also hope he knows I won’t be going to any doctor in April of ‘97, but as if he’ll be crying over the loss of that anyway. Right! That’d make his day and if someone didn’t know any better, they’d think he won the lottery.

He’s still crying “no opportunity” and that he needs time. Well, it’s been two years, so how many more does he need? I’m not playing this game year after year. He’s made sure he’s been taken care of by not letting us have a kid and now it’s time for me to take care of myself and I will ask Dr. Rausch about that injection the next time I see him. If I don’t, this will go on year after year and he’ll insist the injection will “ruin his life” year after year. There’s no way in hell I’ll allow myself to put up with that. I respect myself. And if someone wants to call that selfish, let them.

The only positive thing there is to say about sex is that I finally got into doggie style, but not the usual way. After he went inside me when I was on my back, I rolled over on my side with him still in there and he laid behind me also on his side like usual.

Since I’ve brought it up, he keeps going more often after I cum just to please me and also as a cover for the truth about him. Right as he’s about to cum he stops, tensing his muscles to stop himself and I know this can be done cuz even I could do that to myself.

I just don’t see how he can live like that. That’d drive me crazy.

Just the other day he said he still felt our dreams were still inevitable. This isn’t what he told me a few weeks ago. A few weeks ago, he told me he used to feel that way, but is no longer sure of it.

Yesterday he said we could screw at the end of the day when he knew he’d be too tired and it’d be much easier for him to hold back and all I did was say that I thought he liked it better in the morning. Then he said that cuz I was acting like it was a big deal (which I wasn’t) he thought it’d be best if we didn’t screw.

Finally, I screamed at him demanding that he either screw me or he doesn’t and he keeps his mouth shut. I’m getting so sick of his shit that for an instant I felt like grabbing him and beating the shit out of him. This is a man I know I could severely hurt, so I just ran out of the room.

I finally figured out another thing about God and again I wonder what took me so long.

Remember how I said I wondered why God had to help Tom to be the way he is (yes I do believe that God does have some control in the way we are) when all God has to do is make sure I’m sterile? Well, I realized that these are two separate issues and that all my life there’s always something going on with me that’s weird, unusual or abnormal. It’s part of my plan. If it weren’t for his not cumming, it’d be something else. God felt he had to do this cuz I resolved some of the ordinary issues in my life. Except for the sleeping schedule problem, that is. God’s always gotta do something. That means that if Tom came, he’d go do something else.

Or maybe God really does hate gays and cuz I’ve slept with women, I get paid back by a guy who won’t get off and by my never having a child.

I want so badly to tease Tom back with issues of sex, but I can’t cuz it’s no tease to him. I really believe this guy is not one bit attracted to me sexually and that while he only does stuff with me when it’s convenient to him, sex is all for me and he wants no part of it. Oh, I know he loves me, but there’s no sexual desire for him in me. It’s all for show when he grabs my ass or something which isn’t that often compared to the average guy.

While I’ve gotten way, way used to his low sexual drive, if he were like Brenda or Kacey for a month, I’d be more than happy for him to always go back to his usual ways.

Anyway, it was an hour or so after I screamed about his teasing me and enjoying it that he did me, but only to please me.

He brought up his hoping I wouldn’t stay angry at him and I think he meant about the kid. Well, like I said, I’ve gotten used to the facts and accept them as they are, but whether or not I want a kid is beside the point. The point is that he told me a great big lie and that’s nothing people ever forget. I’m not as angry, I do forgive him, but I will never forget.

He did admit to being wrong about giving me timetables, saying that I pressured him for them which is true. Every month to every week he says he’s gonna cum. He said he’s not gonna say we’re gonna have a kid in 3 years or tomorrow. That’s nice, but what he really needs to do is say the truth. That we never will.

When someone does something bad to you in a big way, an apology always helps, even though it can’t undo what’s been done. I still want the day to come when he spills the truth out.

You see, time really is my best friend and without an apology, I’m still gonna get over it and accept it, even though I’ll always remember it cuz that’s all one can do and that’s normal, but an apology might help finalize it.

Later...

Andy called and we talked for a while. He said he’ll be over with my birthday present on Wednesday or Thursday. He said he wanted to come today but his car’s being worked on. Part of God’s doing? Yup.

Anyway, while we were talking I was gonna call the Springfield weather line, but then I said, “Let’s be Jewish and call the free 800 number to the Sheridan hotel.” The woman that answered said it was cold and to bring all kinds of stuff to keep warm if I were to visit. Stuff like warm coats, mittens, scarves, etc. Andy and I were cracking up.

My right wisdom teeth are bugging me. Just what I need. They’ve been giving me discomfort for 3 days now and I hope to hell they don’t get infected. I know they’re gonna have to be yanked. I just hope we have the money to deal with it before it turns into any big deal if it does.

After I spoke to Andy, Tammy called. She’s been pretty busy. She asked me what Mom and Dad sent and I told her. She also said she forgot to mail my birthday card, but I really wonder if she’s got one. She isn’t into sending cards.

As I said, I spoke to Larry last night who was beat. I talked to Sandy much longer and it was really cool to talk to her. That was my first real grown-up conversation with her since I was still practically a kid back when we last saw each other.

I was rubbing in the cold and snow she has to deal with and she was cracking up over how I asked that bitch Stacey at the Vista Ventana if I could store a bike if I got one in the cellar. She was laughing at how Tom and most people out here pronounce the r in the word quarter. When I told her Tom pronounces it, she said, “Oh, brother!” Tom was laughing at that.

I talked to Jenny really quickly before she got on the phone and she and Sandy both told me Jenny was going to send me a letter with some drawings. Sandy said she loved my drawings and that Jenny liked the one with the plant on a hanger. That’s nice, cuz I thought that one came out shitty. Sandy said Jenny’s drawings weren’t too good, but that’s OK. I’d just love to get a letter from her with whatever she can draw if she’s for real. You know me, though. I don’t get my hopes up till I see it.

Tom showed me some new computer games yesterday, then we scanned my drawings. However, they look like shit cuz the scanner is an old shitty one and the lighting was bad. We used the camcorder and that colorized them, but they still print out shitty, so we’re gonna have to rescan them.

I finally got him to look at the music room window. He fixed it so I can open and close it but he said that cuz it was bent he didn’t want to mess with it too much in case it broke. Right now we sure as hell don’t have the extra money to buy glass for a windowpane.

More and more I find myself hoping to be a computer journalist and not writing by hand. These hands can keep up with my thoughts on a keyboard much faster than they can holding a pen.

Tuesday, December 5, 1995

 

Yesterday was one of the shittiest and hardest days of my life, but before I get into that, let me say that I got a nice birthday card from Evie and her family. She wrote that I made her day and that she loved the letter and the drawings and will be surprising me soon with a letter. Things are hectic there, she says. Yeah, I’d love to see a woman with a baby find the time to write letters.

I also spoke to Mom and Dad. Dad asked me how it felt to be 30 and I told him I didn’t feel any different. I asked him how it felt when he turned 30 and he said he couldn’t remember cuz it was so long ago. I said, “That’s right! I should’ve known better than to ask that.” He also said that having his youngest turn 30 makes him feel kind of old.

I also got 2 letters from Kim and she enclosed another 70 pages worth of letters she got from Bob. I don’t know if I want to copy all this! Bob also sent me a 2-page letter today and I figured what the hell? He never says anything new, so there’s no use in saving his letter. So, I put comments of my own in to send Kim and maybe I’ll copy it in. He said he had no idea what “the calls” were all about and he hasn’t gotten any more letters. So he did get the letters. I figured so.

I was hurt that Tom didn’t even make me a card on the computer, but like I said, he wanted to see to it that not only was this the worst birthday, but the worst day of my being here. Tom insists that he didn’t mean to ruin my birthday and that I’m entitled to my own opinion. Well, what better way to ruin someone’s birthday than to tell them, “I still want a kid, but I don’t think I want to be a parent with you cuz if you can say mean things to me, you can say mean things to the child.” And also, what better cover-up for the truth which is, “I don’t want a child,” than to say he doesn’t want one cuz of me? He reminded me of how I said I’d do anything for him.

Then he told me a story. He told me that until he married me he was as sure as I am that I can’t have a child and that I would be a bad wife. He said all the evidence was there saying I’d be a bad wife, cuz of my past, my lifestyle before, etc. He said he didn’t think I’d probably be a bad wife, but that he knew I’d be a bad wife. But he loved me enough, anyway. Then, after we married, I proved him wrong, he said. His point of telling me this was to remind me that you never do know, but he made himself as clear as can be for the first time as to where he stands about having a kid. Not as truthfully or as bluntly as I’d like, but it doesn’t matter anymore cuz what he said was close enough and also cuz I’ve made an agonizing decision, regardless of how right my suspicions are about his never wanting a kid.

At first I thought that maybe a kid would help us to watch what we say all the more and not fight as much cuz that seems to be what the bulk of our fights are all about. He disagreed. He’s probably right according to the statistics of what kids do to couples and there’s no sense in doing it and finding out if we’re wrong like he was wrong about my being a bad wife.

I started to think that everyone says bad things every now and then, but then it hit me harder than ever before that it goes deeper than that. So, I made a totally heartbreaking decision, but I know it will make Tom proud of me and certainly God and even my family if they knew.

Tom brought up a good point. He said never before today did he fear having a kid cuz of me and that sometimes one has to not do something they want cuz it’s for the best.

They say it’s best to follow your heart and not your head, but this time around I’m gonna follow my head. People can say it’s wrong and that I’m kissing Tom’s ass and giving up what I want to please him and call me a sucker and say that I’m jumping the gun, but I realized like never before just what a lousy mother I’d be. I’ve always known this, but now I know like never before. I must never have a child no matter how much it hurts. No matter how much I feel like it’s the end of the world and like Tom died or something. I must make sure that no matter how I feel, I do not selfishly give in to my desires and allow myself to get pregnant. I said yesterday I wouldn’t get an abortion if I found out I was pregnant, even though I’ve given up all hopes of it, but yes I would. I’d have to. I’d have to save the poor child from being born only to be the victim of my abuse. Tom must make sure he never cums unless we use some type of birth control. I could never handle being a mom. I could never learn or handle things as far as caring for them or going with no sleep and no life. My body could never take it, either.

I finally prayed to God and said I was sorry for asking him for a child and that I knew it was wrong and selfish. I knew that it was wrong to ask Tom and that that was selfish and that while his voice may say yes, his actions would just say no. I know I can’t make Tom do anything that may make him feel uncomfortable when he has doubts and fears just like I do. I said I knew he’d be proud of me if I did the right thing and that I was ready to do so. All I asked him for was to please give me the strength to get over it and not feel so depressed about never having a child. I know I’ll feel rather devastated for a while, cuz these things take time. However, I’m sure I’ll get over it with time and that time will be my best friend. I just hope Tom lets me get it out and mourn not having a kid as much as I need to so I can get it out of my system so I can move on. I also said I was sorry for saying that he only gives bad people kids cuz I’m a perfect example of one who’d be a bad Mom that can’t have a kid.

I meant it when I said I’d do anything for Tom after all he’s done for me. I’d even rob a bank for him, but I owe him my not asking for a child. His desires and needs and the needs of the child I’d abuse if we had one are much more important than any desires or needs I could have. Also, I said that with all the bad things I’ve done in my life, I don’t deserve or have any rights whatsoever to have a child. This is a case where it’s OK to assume and prejudge what kind of a mother I’d be.

Wednesday, December 6, 1995

 

I’m wide awake cuz I slept nearly 12 hours. A day to be grateful there’s no kid, otherwise I’d have had to have gotten up at 6 AM, rather than noon.

Tom will be home soon. He’s gone from weighing 225 to 196 and now I can really see a difference. It took that long cuz he’s so tall. With me, if I gain or lose two pounds you can see it.

Yesterday I told Tom of my decision and why and read him parts of this journal. I thought he’d be happy, but instead, he was against the whole thing, and it told him once more that I don’t even know him. I’m hungry now, so I will discuss it later.

Later...

Tom just got home and is now eating, so now I can write. Anyway, like I began to say on the last page, Tom said it wasn’t my decision to make alone. Well, what do you expect when he doesn’t cum, tells you you’d say mean things to the kid and when you know this is very true?

I’ve made my decision and I fully intend to stand by it for the many many reasons I’ve gone over in these books. I will take no chances and will certainly not play games with him for two more days, let alone two more years. All he can tease me with now is just sex itself, but I know how to take care of myself.

Last night, though, he went down on me and did a great job.

This “secret” of his back when he was sure I’d be a bad wife but was wrong really has me wondering what other secrets he has. It’s convinced me all the more that he always thought I’d be a bad mom, never wanted a kid regardless, and I couldn’t ever go back on my decision due to this.

He really does seem to do what I suspect. I remember that about a week ago I was discussing with him what made us more negative and positive. I said that if someone cuts me down with things I do or want to do I tend to say, what the hell? They’re probably right and I tend to draw away from whatever it was I wanted.

He used this against me and as an excuse to get out of it and for me to doubt wanting and having a kid. Well, he didn’t completely, but he helped. In other words, I realize on my own, no matter what he says, what a lousy Mom I’d be.

I did say how he’s gonna have a harder time keeping the game going and making excuses forever and he saw the perfect opportunity and escape in my saying that and in his saying I’d be a bad Mom, in his feelings and opinions.

When I mentioned his being more physical and sexual with me, he said, “We all show our love in different ways.”

Yeah, I figured. It’s just not in him to be physical with me or have sex steadily. He likes it in spurts. We have sex for 4-5 days, then we don’t for 4-5 days, and back and forth over and over.

Then he seems to be contradicting and reminds me that you never do know and that I don’t take the steps and chances to be proven wrong. If spreading my legs for his dick isn’t taking a chance to be proven wrong, then what is?

I’m gonna be sending Bob the Reunited Love story with Robin.

If Andy’s car is fixed tomorrow, he’s gonna come over to give me my presents which he says he wants to give to me in person.

Tomorrow some guy’s coming over to buy computer parts for $20. I hope. We hope.

I’m using 1 of my 2 new spiral journals for a story called Accidental Love. I don’t know if I’ll be using the other spiral journal for the next journal yet. We’ll see.

Tom’s working on one of the computers we’re selling, of course, showing no sexual desire for me whatsoever.

I’m gonna be surprising my in-laws with a letter and drawings, so now I shall go begin the drawings.

Later...

Oh, God! Tomorrow Tom said he’d like to talk about this “child thing.” The reason why I almost dread it is cuz I’m afraid it’s gonna get me all emotional, pissed off, upset and I’m gonna have to hear things I’m not exactly gonna want to hear. The truth hurts, but I have to continue facing the truth like I’ve been doing more than ever. Maybe he’s gonna come out and tell me he lied all along and confirm my suspicions that he just went along with me, said he wanted a kid cuz I said that and was too afraid to break my heart with the truth. Or maybe he’s not done playing his game and is gonna say he wants a kid and try convincing me not to give up and give him the so-called “opportunity” so he cannot cum and try fucking with my head again. Well, it won’t work this time around.

I’d love to, one, be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby, and two, be a good mother, but both of these are strictly fantasy.

As much as it hurts, I refuse to live on fantasies anymore. I’ve got to get on with my life and put my time, energy and effort into things that are possible. Also, I refuse to set myself up to fall and put myself in a position where he can play with my head.

He says he wants to talk about our feelings, although he hasn’t yet made a decision. Yes, he has. He made it when we met and he stuck to it. I’ll be sticking to mine, too.

The day after my birthday, I was watching an episode of Little House when a guy was praying for strength to do the right thing, follow his head and turn his back from searching for gold. He did this as it was dictating his life and keeping him from stuff he should do and was able to do. It’s like that show was meant for me and I shall pray to God to help me turn further and further away from any thoughts of a child, accept never having one, do the right thing for the sake of the kid, our marriage and get on with my life. I know he’ll help me and be proud of me.

Later...

I just left Andy a few messages. I read him Bob’s letter as he wrote it, then read it with my changes.

Earlier I told Tom, “I know I can’t change you, but I sometimes wish your sexual appetite was as high as mine.”

He answered that we had to discuss the “child thing” first. Great answer and great excuse. Like his tongue could cause any accidents? And as if his dick that he refuses to let cum could? Why couldn’t he just tell me he didn’t want to or was too tired?

After I finish this book, yes, I will use the other spiral one (the fish cover) as the next journal. If this story goes over the 1st spiral one (the flowers) I’ll wait for another spiral one to put that part of it into there.

I’m at a point now where I don’t feel like doing anything, but am nowhere ready for sleep yet. Not with all I slept today.

The pigeons really make a mess with their shit on the patio and pool area, so I began feeding them at the end of the yard on the block wall bricks as I did in the beginning. This has been useless, though, cuz they come onto the pool area and the patio right up to the back door after they ate with hopes of my giving them seconds.

It shouldn’t, cuz there are so many more pros to not having a kid, but the thought of never having a kid tears me up. What choice do I have, though? Even if I could’ve been a good mother and if the DES and God would allow it, Tom never will, no matter what he says. There’s nothing I could ever say or do that’ll make him give me a child anyway. He’s just soooo against it. Not just cuz of me. He doesn’t want to deal with it and have to give up time he barely has for it. He’d also be jealous. If he doesn’t say he never wanted one tomorrow, or that he “suddenly” doesn’t, he’ll hope we both say we want one, so he can play, “Let’s tease her and not put my actions where my mouth is.”

Someone really hurt this man. If it isn’t any kind of animosity toward me, then he’s just plain old angry for some reason. Someone had to hurt him, set him up and really let him down bad for him to be doing this to me. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. I mean, if he wanted a kid that bad, why wait even a week on making a doctor’s appointment? He can’t be that embarrassed about seeing a doctor, so it’s gotta be cuz he’s full of shit, he knows it and knows he can cum.

It’s like, gee thanks. Did he really think I was that gullible, naïve and stupid enough to buy his bull? Obviously. Maybe he figured I would due to having barely any experience with guys.

Thursday, December 7, 1995

 

I just had an attack I had to get under control. I became very tight, and wheezy and was hacking my brains out, so I laid in bed and drank coffee, then Tom awoke and whacked my back. I’ve really got to put way more effort into smoking outside.

I may type my next journal with a deader ribbon. I used a new one for 100 and a lot of the pages bleed through.

Thank you, Tom. He suggested I take ibuprofen to reduce my obviously inflamed lower right wisdom tooth and that sure helped.

Then, earlier I dewaxed my good (right) ear. There was a lot of wax in there and Tom said that could be mistaken for tooth problems. I guess he was right cuz it’s virtually painless.

Later...

Tom’s watching TV now, no doubt putting off our “child talk” as long as he can to keep my nerves flying. He knows that waiting to have discussions on a personal matter makes me nervous.

We sold that guy that computer thing for $20.

Andy called and his car is fixed, but he’s not sure if he can make it tonight. He said he’d call me later.

Later...

We had our talk which I’m happy to say went well. OK, now I’ll discuss what we discussed which really wasn’t much at all. I was right on my first guess. He wants to keep the game going. He said he wanted to have a family with me and before discussing the hows of it, all he wanted to know was my feelings on the situation and how much of a family I wanted. I told him my feelings were still the same and that I wanted it, but felt that was just a fantasy and feared my past, the ADD, asthma and all the other things that go with having a kid. He said that lots of people have kids with ADD, asthma and bad pasts and they work around it and don’t let it stop them. I suppose this is true, but like a fool, I followed my heart and not my head and agreed to have one kid with him. I know he’s full of shit still, but I wonder just why he really did want to talk about the pros and cons of having one kid or more than one? Well, I’m 30 and it’s soon to be 1996, but I still say that until I see any white stuff, it’s all a joke. The only negative that I can see to having one kid, which may not be a factor, is it wishing for a sister or a brother. However, I see one as enough to afford, don’t need to put my body through more than one set of labor and delivery which would be a miracle if I survived just that, despite needing a C-section, and don’t need to deal with them fighting with each other.

He wants one too, but brought up some interesting points about having more than one. He feels that two kids end up costing less cuz you know you’re gonna buy things for the younger ones to eventually use and you tend to buy stuff of more quality that lasts longer, rather than cheaper stuff. He also says he thinks they can learn to interact with people in ways that they can’t with friends. Also, it’s easier to say no to two kids than one kid when it comes to certain things.

This conversation still strikes me as weird. He’s known I’ve always said I only wanted one kid and he agreed, so I wonder if he’s got some plan with my being 30 and with it being 1996 soon, but I sure as hell wouldn’t count on nothing without seeing you know what. He even did say he’s not making any promises, but that April of ‘97 is still on, even though he’s sure in his mind and opinion that we won’t need a Dr. Well, we’ll see. I think we both deserve a break in this situation, so maybe, just maybe, something new will happen.

He discussed with me the importance of our angles which helps us both. What I mean by this is that if our angle is off when he’s inside me, it doesn’t feel as good to him and then I get this uncomfortable pressure feeling. Now that we know I can do doggie style laying down where our bodies are lined up where our heads and feet are together, we’ll see. This is his easiest and favorite position. I may have to start off sideways for a while, then roll my body around to put the angle where it’s lined up, but maybe this will be the answer after all. I just hate to once again, after all this time, have anything to get my hopes up for nothing. I might have to get off first by him going down on me or by us being sideways, but he’s right when he said to just wait and experiment with it before assuming what I’ll have to do. Despite my doubts, I’m glad we had this talk and I do feel better. I love this man so much and all I want is for us to be happy. I really hope he’s being as honest as he’s always insisted he’s been and that things get better. I hope things will be happening in our favor, then who knows? It may motivate us in all kinds of areas.

Friday, December 8, 1995

 

Andy may or may not be over tonight. His car is fixed, but tonight may not be a good night for him to come over. We’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

Tom will be home soon, but in the meantime, I thought I’d write.

I don’t know if I wrote about this yet, but yesterday sure was a funny sight in the backyard. It rained which was great cuz it cleaned the carbon monoxide out of the air and my lungs are much better. Well, the pigeons didn’t leave when it began raining as I thought they would. Instead, they all lay down on their side and stuck one wing up. I don’t know what the purpose of this was since it didn’t seem to shield their faces from the rain. Tom says he thinks they were taking a shower. Just 1 wing, though?

Andy may be over tonight. He said he’ll call me from work, then we’ll see.

Today I had my clock set for noon, but I woke up 3 minutes before the alarm went off. I’m gonna get up at noon tomorrow too, then at 11 AM on Sunday.

I still wish I could figure out Tom. Why the discussion of how many kids we want when I thought that that was already clear? He intentionally ruins my birthday by telling me he feels he doesn’t want to be a parent with me, then claims to be less emotional a few days later and wants a family with me, then goes and discusses how much of one when he already knows how I feel about that. How does this figure into his game? There’s got to be some catch or something up his sleeve as to why he wants to continue this game and not come out with the truth after so long. I still can’t see him cumming, I still can’t see my being pregnant or us able to have a child, so what’s up? What the hell’s up with him? He’s got me more curious than ever, in some ways.

I finally told him what the psychic told me and he doesn’t believe in those, so all the more I know he’ll want to prove her wrong for saying I’d be pregnant in December, but I still don’t get what in the hell is going on.

He leads me on about a kid for almost two years, then says he doesn’t want one with me, and now he says he still does but wants to discuss how many? Weird. Real damn weird.

Tonight, I’m determined to win over my competition (the TV) and at least get him to go down on me cuz I’m hornier than all hell what with my period being only about 6 days away.

Now I’ll go type up more of 102.

Saturday, December 9, 1995

 

I’m doing great with my schedule. I wanted to sleep from 4 AM till noon today and that’s just what I did.

Tom’s out now working on his aunt’s water tank. It was her turn to have problems with her water tank. He also mentioned stopping by his parent’s house too, so who knows when he’ll be home?

Later, we’ll probably go out and get Chanukah cards.

Today Mom and Dad S probably got the letter and drawings I surprised them with.

Andy came over last night and gave me my 3 birthday presents. He says my card will be here in a few days.

I showed him my latest cactus drawings and Mom and Dad S.’s painting I’m gonna give them for Christmas. I gave him 3 NPNs to mail for me.

Here’s what he got me: First, he put different to and from labels on each of the 3 gifts. They said: to Jodi from Andy, to Mystery from The Fem, and to Lisa S from Gloria Estefan.

Scented soaps. There were 3 of them in floral scents. Each was a different color, too. Pink, purple, and yellow.

He also got me this really nice vanilla room freshener spray. He had a bottle of it in his car and I told him I really liked it. It does go away fast, but it doesn’t make me sneeze.

Lastly, a super nice gift. A video of Gloria with 17 videos I’ve never seen before. She looks great in some of them and then there are some in which her hair and clothes suck.

Gotta get up at 11 AM tomorrow for the tag sale and now that I remember, I think Tom mentioned us getting cards tomorrow and not today. He said tomorrow or Monday.

Later...

Where the hell is Tom? I’ve been trying to call his parents to see if he can bring some KFC home on the way back, but it’s been busy for the last couple of hours.

Kim called a while ago and she’s in business with some phone company. She said her brother told her about it and that she said she couldn’t believe it. How easy it was I mean, and how promising. I told her to call back Monday night to tell Tom about it. How he’ll feel about it, I don’t know, but at least he can hear about it.

Sunday, December 10, 1995

 

Today was a good day, but like I said, there’s always an excuse with Tom. He waits till the end of his day to do anything sexual and he’s always sore or tired. At least he did a damn good job licking my pussy.

We went out to pick up Chanukah cards for Tammy and her family, my parents, and Andy. I got a blank card for Larry and his family and wished them a Happy Merry Chachristmaskah.

We also got a puppy calendar, some candy, and I got ChapStick with a touch of color.

There were nearly 30 birds today. I told you before that there was a new brown and gray one. Now there’s a new white and gray one. How many more birds are there gonna be?

Tom and I went over to Mom and Dad’s and I helped turn Ma’s window crystals so that the sun would reflect them better. I also helped to pull out a fence by their garden. I told her I forgot to bring the catalog and flags, but that I would the next time. I noticed they have a bracket for a flag in front of their house. She’d like the pineapple there and I hope she’s got a pole.

Monday, December 11, 1995

 

No mail from Kim today, but I will be getting a few letters from her. No, she and Bob never did anything. She says his touching her on the way to New York was in his head. She said he does try to put his hand on her leg here and there and she removes it.

My hubby with the deadbeat dick will be home soon. We’re gonna move some of the shit we plan to sell out into the garage.

Did I mention how we moved the tag sale up another week due to his working 9 hours at his aunt’s? It’s a legit excuse, but there’ll always be a legit excuse with him to move it up yet another week every damn week.

There weren’t as many birds today when I got up. Maybe 17 or so instead of 28, but there are still a few lingering around the backyard and patio right now hopping for extras.

Tuesday, December 12, 1995

 

Tom is still very sore, so he says. Sorer than he’s ever been before. At least I got him to go down on me, then we worked side by side on the computers together for a while.

I forgot to mention how Bob said he used to go to topless bottomless bars for a while. Couldn’t he have just said nude?

Kim was supposed to call to talk to Tom about this new business she’s in, but she called a half-hour later than she was supposed to and he conked out. It’s some kind of thing with a telephone company where you don’t have to put out lots of money, know lots of people or have a car. She’s gonna call some other time and send us tapes and brochures on it. She says she can’t believe how promising it is and that she feels like she’s living a dream. She says she knows two other nurses that did it and they quit nursing to do this cuz it was such good money.

Last night Andy decided to call Karson while we were talking. She’s back in Mesa and was totally boring. She wasn’t frantic with us at all. We told her we’d call her every few months or so. I don’t know if she’s called Andy, but she hasn’t called me and I’m grateful for that.

Minnie left a message today. I didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again since she never wrote me back and the times between our calls and letters get bigger and bigger each time. She’s got a kid, though, so I understand.

Later...

Got a few funny things to mention, but first, Tom said they took their for-sale sign down next door and that it can mean a few things. That they either decided to switch Realtors, decided to rent it or put a foreclosure on it so the bank claims it. He says that after a house sells they usually keep the sold sign up for 30 days to show off how well they sell houses. He also could’ve decided to sell it himself as some houses are for sale by owner. I think the bank claimed it and he stopped all payments on it. I sure hope it isn’t sold even though I wouldn’t be surprised if it was. Would God really spare me that many more months of peace? I can’t believe he’s already given me peace and quiet since September 1st.

Yesterday and tonight I was a little bummed with PMS and PMS brings out reality. Why didn’t I do the right thing? Why did I go and agree to wanting a family and wanting to do whatever to allow it to happen when he’s only gonna keep playing me for a fool? Why didn’t I say I wanted one but knew better and therefore I wanted nothing to do with it and check out those injections? Why do I set myself up to be lied to and played with? You would think I’d have more respect for myself by now. I’m stupid. I know nothing’s changed here and it never will.

Yesterday Tom told me he’s decided he likes me better fully dressed cuz it makes the times I’m naked more special that way.

Right! None of the other things he suggested and that I tried worked, so why should I believe this one? He’s so full of shit! I just can’t understand why he can’t come out and tell me the truth. Isn’t he getting sick and bored with this game? Or is he still so into it that much? What a way to get your kicks, huh?

I still wish I knew what I did to him to deserve this. He says how much he loves me and that I’m a wonderful wife, so why? Why?! How can someone who’d hang naked in public from a tree by their ankles for me, walk through fire, walk on a bed of nails, and cut their hands off for me be so cruel and mean to me?

Minnie left me another message today but she called before I got up.

I also spoke to Karson today. I figured what the hell? She isn’t exactly another Fran Paiva in that sense, just weird. So, I read her the letter I got from Bob with the changes I made to it and she was laughing about it. Andy and I may call her later.

Tom looked up Excel on the computer and we found stuff about the company. He says it looks good and wants me to go for it. Kim’s gonna be sending me info on it. Right now I don’t know that much about it to write about it, but when and if I do, I will.

Maybe this was sent to me by God as a trade for the baby? Or to keep my mind off of it more? It seems reasonable to think his message behind this is saying he wants me to work, not be a mother. There’s no way he’ll ever allow me a child any more than Tom would. I know, though, that no matter how much I want a kid and no matter how much Tom’s games piss me off, a child would be the worst thing for me. I really do believe that yes, I would be a bad mom and there’s no way I could handle it. Both my mind and body could never handle it. It would just ruin my body, make me insane, steal my life, and ruin my marriage. Although he promises to go to a doctor in April of ‘97, he still insists that a fertility doctor is all in my head and that we’re not gonna need to go. Then he better plan on cumming or doing something else to really convince me that we shouldn’t bother going.

Wednesday, December 13, 1995

 

Andy might be calling soon we may call Karson. Other than this, not much else is going on and I think I'll go listen to music now.

Friday, December 15, 1995

 

I’ve been very angry and depressed tonight. I know most of it’s due to my period and periods do play on your emotions. I’m sure I’ll feel much happier and carefree in a day or two for a couple of weeks unless reality hits me anytime in between then.

Before I get to my good news, let me bitch some more. Yes, I know bitching ain’t gonna change things and no matter what I say or do and no matter what my beliefs or attitude is, I can’t have what I want, but bitching helps to a degree. I still say the same old thing, I know, but still, what is it with Tom? What is it with God? Why are they doing this to me? Does God have some other reason for not allowing me a child that I don’t know about? Why is he so unfair? Why again, must he give plenty of 15-year-old kids, but not this 30-year-old? What did I do? Is it cuz I slept with women? Is it cuz I tried taking my life years ago? Just what is it? Is it cuz it would kill me for sure? Can I not be able to handle it for sure? Would it cause me to lose Tom? What is it? Am I just plain old not good enough? If I’m not good enough, then why are those on drugs who beat or molest or kill their children good enough?

Nothing I’ve done will get Tom to cum, so will he ever tell me he doesn’t really want a child or will he ever really go to the doctor with me in ‘97? He says that in his mind a doctor in ‘97 doesn’t exist. What’s he gonna have on his mind when ‘97 comes? How is he gonna admit we need a doctor if he doesn’t admit he doesn’t want one? How will he accept this? How can he believe something’s possible when it hasn’t been shown to be possible for two years unless he really is hiding something? How can I ignore what my gut tells me about him and those that say to follow your gut cuz they say your gut instinct is pretty accurate?

How can I ever bring myself to pray to a God that’s so unfair? That lets murderers go free and home to the kids that they can have. How will I ever get over not having a kid like I have with never having the ideal woman? How much longer will it take? I’m getting better, but it still seems like somewhat of a slow process that’s gonna take forever.

Is this possible business opportunity with Excel a sign that I’m meant to be a career woman and not a mother? Why must there always be some impossible dream that I dream of? Why must I always want stuff I can’t have? Why can’t I just accept and be happy with the way things are? Why can’t I be one of those who wouldn’t want to change a thing about their lives? Why must I always have some freakish abnormal situation going on with me or someone I’m closely connected with? Why can’t I just have a normal sex life? Why is that my sex life seems cursed? First it’s not getting anyone I’m attracted to and now this. Why? Dear God, why can’t you just let my sex life be normal and complete? Why won’t you help us? Is it that Tom doesn’t want to be helped cuz he doesn’t want a kid? But you’ve given countless people children who didn’t want them, so why? Why not us?

I know that if I never said a word about a kid to Tom, quit smoking, and all kinds of other wonderful things he still will never allow us a child. Why won’t he say what’s truly on his mind? Even though it’d hurt like hell, at least that would help to finalize it.

I used to wonder if my being blessed with gifts and abilities is why I’ve been compensated for not being able to have a child, but now I don’t know. Not when I see people like Gloria who have it all. Fame, fortune, love, and two kids.

Where did I go wrong in this matter? What did I do wrong? Is there really anything I can do to fix this situation? Am I really being selfish and spoiled by asking for a child?

Tom knows I’ll be mid-cycle on the 28th and I can guarantee you he’ll be exhausted or busy that day or will just lick my pussy only. Why? He should know that I can’t get pregnant if he won’t cum.

OK, enough bitching about a situation that’ll never change.

My parents sent us a package today with Tom’s presents wrapped in Christmas paper and mine wrapped in Chanukah paper.

He got a sweatshirt with flags of all 50 states and an NBA T-shirt. Also 3 round dials on a wooden plaque for reading the temperature, the barometer, and the humidity. This, he really loved. He loves these kinds of things, he said.

I got a really nice denim skirt and two half-shirts that are totally me. One’s pink and one’s bright green. Boy, have they improved when it comes to buying clothes for me! Believe it or not, the skirt is actually a bit big on me, but it won’t be after I wash it. I like these kinds of outfits as well as really sexy or slutty outfits, cuz it’s casual and comfy, yet feminine.

I got a curling iron that’s smaller for making smaller curls. I wondered why they sent that to me when I have naturally curly hair, but I had fun with it anyway. I had my hair straightened, then I just curled the ends. After I washed and straightened it, I curled the whole thing which took over an hour. I couldn’t roll the whole length of the piece of hair as it’s way too long. Instead, I curled what I could, then kept working up the piece of hair. So, I rolled each piece of hair about 6 different times. It’s only a little curlier than my own hair. It looks more like it did when I was 24 when it was only to my bra strap as the shorter my hair, the curlier. This long, though, the weight of the length pulls it out a bit, cuz it covers all of my back (not quite all of my butt yet, though!). While I watch TV, I try to snip off split ends one at a time, so as not to have to hack off the 8 or so inches it’d need to salvage it and that’d put it all the way up to my middle back.

Got a bird feeder similar to one they sent me last year. It’s small and made for small birds, but I’ll bet the pigeons will be stupid enough to try to stand on it.

Got a hand-held mirror with plastic brush bristles on the back of it. It’s got a floral fabric edged with lace around it and Tom said it looks like something his Mom would make. True. I also got a matching picture frame and there was a picture of Dad in it in their store.

They sent about 12 pictures of their store. They sure have lots of flags. Speaking of flags, they sent that musical one I said I loved.

They sent me a purple and blue drink cooler. The kind you can take to the pool or on a bike.

Three turtles on top of each other made out of shells. An alligator pin, necklace, and earrings. Two needlepoint things. One of a musical note and one of a southwestern design.

Finally, pastels for drawing on shirts. I loved these as they look like crayons and it looks like they’ll be easier to use than the markers. I think I’ll do different flower drawings, cuz thanks to Mom and Dad’s flag catalogs, my flower drawings have improved.

We also got holiday cards from Mary and David and Mom and Dad S. thanking us for all we’ve done for them and for us being there. I also got a birthday card from Kim and a letter from her as well as two Bob letters she enclosed.

Got letters from Jenny and Bob.

Monday, December 18, 1995

 

Been way too busy to write, but now I can and I sure have a lot to update on. The only bad news is that I’ve been pretty tight and congested. This time of year is always rough on me. I need a round of antibiotics, but the bitch of it is that I can’t call in a prescription. I have to be seen by the doctor.

To begin updating from where I left off would be Saturday. It still hasn’t rained like they were saying it would that day so we had the tag sale that day and raked in 60. We ended up selling stuff we didn’t think we would sell. One woman came and took the couch that Scott gave me on Bell Rd. and we weren’t even planning on trying to sell that.

I met the lady who lives behind us. She and her retired husband live there.

Larry called me that day saying he had a present for me. He told me that since he’s been back in my life, he’s been filling Jenny C in on how my life’s been and she wants to resume our friendship. This is the one that I was friends with from age 9 to 22. She’s a year older than me. In fact, her birthday is on Christmas. Then, we ended up in court cuz I pranked her over the phone, but the courts never did anything. This, I know, really pissed her off.

I thought she and Larry spoke nearly every day, but Larry says they only speak once a month.

Anyway, he said he was doing this for me. I told him he didn’t have to, but thanks anyway. He suggested I send a letter with a long-distance gift certificate for $5 to make her feel more comfortable about calling me and just take it slow and see what happens. He says she doesn’t want to rehash the past any more than I do and is impressed with how my life’s been since I’ve been in contact with Larry.

The phone certificate is something I agreed to, but it’s weird. Why does she need that to make her more comfortable? If she isn’t comfortable without it, then maybe she shouldn’t call. That’s up to her. Meanwhile, I guess I am ready to accept any calls or letters from her, but I’m wary about it. The big question is why? Why not find some new impressive friend to be friends with? Why someone she swore she’d never associate with, insisted was never a true friend, and who lives 3,000 miles away? I don’t see how they’d be up to some no-good idea to gang up on me in any kind of a way, cuz they’re the type to just dump someone, not fuck them over. Plus, I know they know that’d be awfully hard to do with me so far away and that I wouldn’t stand for it if I were still living there.

I can promise this much and they know it. That is that if there are any problems or bullshit whatsoever - I’m gone. You know how I feel about friend sharing.

Only time will tell why she wants to resume this friendship. Especially with me so far away. I must admit, though, that at this point I’m doing this cuz Larry and Jenny want this. I used to be anyone’s friend just about, but now I’m not at all easily impressed by anyone so she as well as anyone else has to really prove themselves to me and give me a damn good reason for why I should be their friend.

At least they can’t hurt me in any way. All they can do is dump me or get dumped by me cuz of something one of us says. I know I’ll have to really watch what I say to Jenny since it’ll all get back to Larry no doubt. If she and Larry lived out here that wouldn’t go over well with me. Having to watch what I say, I mean, and I could never be her friend cuz we’re just too different. Jenny’s the kind that likes to party and I’m the kind that’s a homebody. She’s also pretty selfish, too. If we went to see 6 movies, for example, we’ve always got to see what she wants to see. Not be fair and split it up and see 3 she wants to see and 3 that I want to see. Larry did say that he realized everything wasn’t my fault and that he thinks it was all those drugs I was on years ago, but there are still a couple of things that bother me. I still feel that he doesn’t believe or realize that Jenny did things to me as well. Also, why is it that I have a feeling there’s a little bit of Mom in him? Meaning if I did something wrong to her, he’ll side with her whether I’m guilty or innocent and if she did something wrong to me, he’d brush it off like it was no big deal or pin it on me. Like I said, if one pits the other against me, all I have to do is dump them both. Only time will tell why she wants to be my friend. She tried being my friend two years ago, too.

Chanukah began last night and Tammy called. She asked why I got more stuff than she did and if Mom and Dad liked me better, but then why did her dog get bones while my pig got nothing?

Later...

I just talked to Tammy a little while ago and told her about the idea of Jenny being friendly with me again and she didn’t see any harm in it, either. She asked me if I saw her and Larry intimately. No, but he was with my first roommate Michelle and has admitted to having numerous affairs.

Since she can’t write too well, I helped her out a bit. I typed a letter to Larry and Sandy for her with her giving me the basic idea of what she wanted to say. She wants their relationship to be closer and to know if there’s anything that they’re upset with her about and to talk to Sandy which she hasn’t done yet. I’ll be sending her the letter to send to them cuz if I sent it, they’d see it was postmarked Phoenix.

She says they’re in for a serious blizzard and that she’s not sending them to school tomorrow. She says her dog can’t go out and piss too well cuz there’s so much snow out there. Ha, ha, ha!!!

A couple of nights ago I was talking to Chris. That’s Andy’s gay friend. He said he loved the edits and was cracking up over them. He and Michelle were mocking them and he says he wants to buy copies, so we’ll see.

Tom said he wanted sex this morning, but I guess he forgot to initiate it. No. I think I said something to turn him off as usual. He said we could do it this afternoon, but I’m getting too tired, so it’ll have to wait.

Yesterday I grouped and neatened stuff up in the back room and made major floor space clear. I know him, though, he’ll just re-trash it.

Overall, the weekend was productive, fun, and there were no problems. Since getting my period, I feel much better as usual. Back to feeling - I’d like a kid, but I can’t have one, so, fine. I wish I felt this way every day. Just think how much easier it’d make my life.

Anyway, my current feeling about Jenny is that she’s all talk and really doesn’t ever intend to call or write, but like I said, time will tell.

Tuesday, December 19, 1995

 

Oh, I am so fucking pissed, depressed and frustrated I could puke!! What is it going to take to change things around here? Well, obviously the answer’s nothing as I’ve been saying for two years now. Over the weekend Tom “forgot” to make time for us to have sex.

Anyway, I felt like shit yesterday and was tight and congested. When he came home he got tensed out cuz I had made a fuss about making a Doctor’s appointment to see if I needed antibiotics and all I was doing was expressing my concern about the money and the time off of work. Tom insisted it was no big deal if I had to go. Today I feel fine, though, so I’m just gonna wait and see. Meanwhile, after this, he asked me what he could do for me. He said he could either go get Piggy’s sawdust to change his cage, whack my back or screw me. I told him, as he was taking the trash out, that I’d like my back whacked, then for us to screw.

Till this time I had been fully dressed as that’s one of the many things he added to his list of stuff that may help him. Then, knowing he’d be coming into bed with me, I got naked and jumped into bed. Then he returned saying he was gonna go out and move stuff around in the garage to release steam and clear his mind. That’s when I said - fuck this shit! He said he’d take care of me, but now he has to go to the garage and do work. He has to unwind and “psych” himself up to be with me and make me feel like I’m a chore in bed. I just don’t have it naturally? He can’t release his steam by screwing? That’s physical. Then he tells me that sex is a mental thing with him and that the physical part to him is pretty much nothing. Oh. I should’ve known better. If I’ve said this a thousand times and didn’t mean it; I’m saying it once now and meaning it completely. Our sex life is over! Two years of this shit has finally taken its toll on me, this was the final straw and I’ve had it! I’ve absolutely had it! I’m so fucking sick and tired of this man’s fucking bullshit and sexual weirdness and sexual games! I will not allow myself to put up with it ever again! No more! Who the hell am I to not respect myself enough to say no to it and who the hell is he to play with my head sexually, make me feel like the sexual misfit he is and lie to me about having a kid?! Well, I won’t stand for it anymore. If I haven’t got it sexually as far as he’s concerned, then I never will. It’s been two fucking years now and I’m not gonna play games and live fairytales with someone I’m not sexually compatible with and who’s not sexually compatible with me. The thought of him touching me makes me want to puke and totally turns me off more than it ever has before in my life.

I don’t want to leave him and I still love him, but I’d be lying if I said that if a gorgeous woman hit on me I’d say no. Oh, how I wish we could just keep the relationship part of it and have him see other women for sex and me see women for sex, but as I know damn good and well, I’m attracted to straight women. Gay women never have and never will cut it for me and if they ever have, they’re not interested in me or are taken. I asked him again if he was gay and he still swears he isn’t, but what the fuck am I supposed to think? If it isn’t fear of making a kid and if it isn’t me, then what the fuck is it?! The guy will never change and I’ll no longer be a sucker and set myself up to fall. And to be manipulated, lied to and played with. Why? Why is he doing this to me?! Can I ever be good enough for this man? I’ll tell you one thing for sure; I’m fucking sick and tired of others lying to me about and interfering with my dreams and goals. I wanted to be a singer and Scott and others took that away from me. I wanted a kid and Tom’s taken that dream away from me. I can continue on and on with countless people who took things from me and who got in the way of my dreams and goals, but that’d take 20 journals up.

Then he goes on to say that it wasn’t my fault, he accepts me for the way I am and he shouldn’t have gotten upset about the doctor’s appointment. Oh, like this would make me feel any more comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and having all the appointments it’d take for that. I’ve come to realize that he’s weaker and more scared than I am. He could never deal with these appointments let alone the rest of it any more than I could.

Then he says that I forgot something that he told me would help him and that I could take or leave. He said I wasn’t dressed. I reminded him that yes I was dressed till I got into bed thinking he was gonna join me after he put the trash out.

Then he goes, “But I remember you lifting up your shirt.”

I said, “So, I can’t even flash you?”

He then said it’d be best if I were dressed all the time that we were around each other unless in bed. Fuck this asshole. He never seemed to mind in the past when I’d flash him. I can’t even flash my own husband, he doesn’t like lingerie, in bed he can’t see me cuz it’s dark, so he either doesn’t like my body or he doesn’t like women.

Then what was I in for? A new thing that may help him. He said he can’t get into sex with me cuz he can’t initiate it in the way he’d like to and I guess that’s less verbal. He said most couples can communicate without words and just know when the other one wants to screw. Perhaps I can tell at times when he isn’t in the mood, but since when did he ever think I was that psychic? So, I asked him, “If I thought you were in the mood, what do I do? Go up and lead you to the bed?” He said that isn’t how it works. Well, then how does it work? Most couples seem to have no problem. Then he tells me that most people start off by screwing and that since we couldn’t, he associates sex with me as oral sex and not that. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah, right! How the hell can he tell me he looks forward and wants to move forward when he’s looking in the past? He can’t get into me cuz we didn’t start off by screwing? He can’t get into me cuz I can’t always read his mind? What the fuck is it with this guy? When is it ever gonna end? Didn’t I tell you there’d always be new things that needed to be done to help him sexually? Well, as I said, if I haven’t managed to fulfill him sexually yet, I never will and he doesn’t want me to.

I asked him why it takes so long to tell me these new things that he claims will help him and why he’s always got a problem or an excuse. He says the excuses are all in my head. They are? Could’ve fooled me. Then he says that sometimes he doesn’t always realize what I could do to help him.

Oh. Right.

I told him last night that I’d no longer tolerate his games and lies and that in order to bring peace into this house and end the constant confusion and arguing, sex was over. Right away he said he disagreed that that’d help us and that he isn’t giving up. Well, if he’s gonna continue living a lie and playing games and isn’t giving up, then he’s gonna be fucking me in his mind, cuz I ain’t touching him and he ain’t touching me for real. Of course, he’ll try to immediately talk me into having sex again and not giving up. If I give up, he can’t play his game. Well, for once I’m thinking of myself and am gonna do for me. Yes, that includes asking the doctor about that injection whenever I do see him. It’s time to take care of my needs. Not his needs which are bullshit excuses to escape the truth.

Wednesday, December 20, 1995

 

Since I last wrote things have been great. It’s cuz we didn’t talk about sex or a kid. Cutting sex out is the only way to bring about peace around here, as I said before. Besides, why should I do shit to “help” him when he won’t do what I asked him to do. I asked him to at least pretend he was into it and that he came every now and then and he couldn’t even do that.

Got another 70s CD in the mail yesterday and holiday cards from Kim and Andy.

Friday, December 22, 1995

 

Boy, this journal’s going slow, huh? I now realize that I have mixed emotions about typing up journals. I especially love it if I’ve got lots to say and I love the different fonts, but it goes too fast sometimes. Especially since nothing ever really changes around here as it hasn’t in the last year or so. If I was really busy or had things changing all the time, then this would be good.

Anyway, I spoke to Kim last night and according to her, I should get the Bob letters she’s sent and a package from her today. She mailed us a tape about Excel and a brochure as well as a Hanukah present she said she through in.

Yesterday I began doing some drawings on continuous computer paper to use to wrap the Christmas presents for his family. He carved some of my drawings into wood and it looks really cool. Later I’ll color them in.

He got Chanukah candles and reminded me to light them the other night and tried to read the Hebrew prayer that was written out in English on the back of the box of candles. Oh, it was so funny! Reminds me of when Andy was trying to sing in Spanish.

I talked to Tammy and my parents and Tammy has a foot and a half of snow. Last night when I talked to Kim, they got more snow there and she says there’s about 28”!

I asked Tom last night, “If sex is so non-physical and so psychological for you, then why does it matter what I’m wearing?” He said it’s psychological to him. I guess he means in the way that it makes me feel better when I’m all dressed up, rather than dressed bummy.

Last night he told me he was lonely, but could deal with it. Yeah, I believe that one, alright. Since I’ve put the stop to sex, he’s never seemed happier. I wish I were like him. Instead, I find myself wishing we could be compatible sexually, but I know better. He said maybe we could find some way to compromise where I wouldn’t feel like a freak who isn’t doing her job right while we let things progress at their own natural rate. The only thing that’s progressed is me. First we got him inside there, then I moved on to be able to do different positions. He’ll never change and if he’s hoping for sex, it’s just so he can go back to playing the usual game that he’s been playing over the last 2 years. I just don’t fancy the idea of having sex anymore when the other person just isn’t into it, it’s a chore for them, and they’re only doing it to please me.

Yesterday I told Andy a funny story. He said he wished he had a speakerphone so Michelle could hear this. I can’t believe I’ve never told him this. I thought I did. I’m sure I must’ve written about it. Anyway, it was late 1987 or early 1988 when I called Tammy’s and got a snotty woman talking in an accent I could barely understand. I didn’t know it was Tammy’s mother-in-law and that she was from Israel. I said I was Jodi and asked for Tammy, but the snotty woman rambled on saying shit I couldn’t understand, so I told her to go fuck herself and hung up, sure that I had the wrong number. Not so. About two hours later, Tammy called screaming at me - how could you do this to us?! Do what? I was thoroughly confused, then she told me. Oops.

I hear the pigeons out there now.

Sunday, December 24, 1995

 

Tom just called from Mary’s house as I got ready to update this journal. He installed a new drive on her computer and he’ll be home in an hour.

I left Andy and Kim messages since I won’t be talking to them for a couple of days. I also left my parents a message and let them know how much I love the pastel dye sticks they sent as part of my Chanukah gift. It’s so cool, too. It’s not easy drawing on a T-shirt or with a crayon-like stick, but I did one shirt so far with flowers, birds, etc. I think Tom will really like it when he gets home.

It’s really neat how much Tom believes in my artwork and brought it into a whole new light by carving my drawings into wood. He’s really good at it, too. He did some of my elephants, camels, flowers, and cactuses and I hope those we give them to will like them. I’d love to do some for us as well as my family. I’d love to send them some shirts with drawings, too.

I haven’t updated since mid-Fri., I believe, so let me begin from there. I got a package from Kim with the videotape and some brochures all about Excel. It is definitely not for me. It’s totally her, though, and we may at least use Excel as our carrier and be her customers. Guess what else she sent, though? A very nice journal that I almost bought once with silver cat face indentations and paws along the binder. A tie-dye T-shirt and a cat calendar. The cat calendar is gorgeous. They’re pictures of cats. A new one for each day. They’re of people’s cats from several different states, including Arizona, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and even Germany, Australia, and Italy. At the end of 1996, I might cut them out to decorate journal covers or envelopes.

Yesterday was fun, yet boring. Tom and I took his folks to Turf Paradise to see the horse races, but it was a simulcast from California. Tom and Dad were really into it, but Ma and I were bored, so we went to a nearby swap meet where I got Gardenia perfume body spray and these really gorgeous, multi-colored salt and pepper shakers in the shapes of cactuses. It’s just like my figurine cactus, but these make mine look sick. Anyway, the place was cold, loud, crowded and boring and I swear I’ll never go back again.

Today I did stuff like laundry and I colored in the plaques as well as drew up a shirt. Tom and I still have to put a coat of clear spray paint on the plaques to protect the water-based markers from running. Then wrap everything and put my drawings on them along with their to/from labels.

Yesterday morning, nympho me couldn’t resist his sexual advances and we ended up screwing, but I loved every second of it. My head said not to bother getting caught up in his games and lies again and just take care of myself, but my body cried out - yes! Give it to me! Last night he ate me out, but I think he may be on one of his streaks now where he has no desire. We’re awfully busy, though, so maybe after the Christmas party tomorrow that’ll be at Mary and Dave’s house.

I said something like, “You can get hard, but you can’t cum,” the other day and his reply was, “It used to be that way, but it won’t be anymore.”

Right! Uh-huh. Still, I enjoy our sex when we get around to doing it and that’s a fact and that’s just that!

I guess I’m pretty much caught up here and the next time I write or type, in this case, will probably be tomorrow after the party, or Tuesday.

Monday, December 25, 1995

 

I sure do have a lot to tell at this time. To be honest, the Christmas presents I got weren’t too impressive for the most part, but here’s a list of what we got, he got and I got, nonetheless. We got these Jenga blocks. You set them up and take blocks from below the stack and pile them up till it topples over. We also got two new pool noodles. Nice colors, too. Pink and light blue. We got a picture of a waterfall in a wooded area. We got a plant and a bathtub mat in the shape of a foot. He got a work light and a T-shirt. I got a needlepoint kit and a manicure set.

We all also got our traditional $50 bills. I’ll be using my $50 bucks for mugs with our pictures on them for Tammy, Bill and my parents and Jenny’s phone certificate.

Mary & Dave’s hamster was cute, but so small compared to piggy. His cage is neat, though, with lots of different colored tubes and wheels.

Jackie and Cindy didn’t show up but the following people were there. Mom & Dad, David, Evie, Nickolena, Pam, Jennifer, Ryan, Nora and Ray. Tom was right when he said that Nickolena was kind of laid back while Jennifer was totally out of control. Made me grateful, once again, how I can never have a kid, even though I still do want one here and there.

We screwed for the second time since I last got so fed up with Tom and his lies about it. All was fine, but I’m back to feeling like a freak about it. Will I ever live to see the day when Tom comes out and tells me the truth behind his not cumming? How can anyone want to wait 16 more months to get help with a problem that’s existed for so long? Despite his fears of me getting pregnant, how can he be happy by always getting his own self off? I know he’s got to be relieving himself in the bathroom and in bed when I’m not in there.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but they gave Tom a raise. It sucks, though, cuz he’s only getting $8.40 an hour and he won’t get another raise until next October. So, he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. When he’ll do this, beats me, since he’s a procrastinator with no plans to have a kid. This job is probably a great excuse for him to make sure I don’t get pregnant, even though he says it’d be no problem since he’d just find a better job. Like someone as smart as he is would get me pregnant before finding this better job? I don’t think so!

Now that the holidays are over and we’re going to start improving financially, he’ll have to come up with new excuses for why he can’t cum. As I knew real damn good and well, my staying fully dressed and our changing our angle for screwing, hasn’t made one damn bit of difference. Still, he lies and says it’ll change and refuses to get help. I told him again that I’m sick of being powerless, I want us to get help and am sick of feeling the way I feel about things on and off and he just said I had to live through it. Gee, thanks! In other words, I just have to live through and accept the fact that he’s full of shit, is gonna do what he wants to do (not cum and have a kid) and to hell with what I want while he tells me he cares and understands and wants to see me happy.

Believe it or not, the calm, serious guy did something quite funny that I think I may have forgotten to write about. When he bought the Chanukah candles he tried reading the Hebrew prayer that was written out in English and God, was it sooo funny! Reminds me of when Andy was trying to sing in Spanish.

Last night I drew flowers, birds and other things on a white T-shirt with those pastel dye sticks from my parents. It was very hard to do, but it looks so cool and I’d love to do some for my Mom, Tammy, Tammy’s kids and Jenny. Also for members of Tom’s family. Tom loved the shirt which I wore to Mary and Dave’s house and he and others thought it looked so professional. Mom and Dad loved their painting, too.

Tuesday, December 26, 1995

 

Today I’m starting my diet. I was gonna wait till the first of the year, but I have Slim-Fast here and already started back up with the exercising two days ago. I’ve never been more determined and anxious to get back into shape than now. I really feel that I look the worst I’ve ever been since 1988. Maybe I’m not as big in certain ways, but I feel like I’ve turned to nothing but flab. My upper body muscles still aren’t too bad, but my lower stomach and legs look terrible. My lower gut looks either 4 months pregnant or like I dropped a kid a year ago.

I just talked to Tammy who says she’s going to the post office tomorrow to mail out a present to us. She said it was delayed cuz the snow delayed the postal services there. Yeah, I believe that one for sure.

Last night, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear I was due for my period within a day or so. I was so bloated, my tits are sore and I was rather depressed again.

I made a deal last night with Tom which neither of us spoke of bluntly, but it was the kind of thing where we didn’t need to and that we both understood.

First, though, I got two confessions out of him the other day. I commented, “Cuz my pussy’s small, so if you came it’d leak out of me.”

He said, “That’s right,” going to prove once again that I was right about the fact that he never did cum last winter.

Yesterday I said he makes all the major decisions and more and he said, “Yup. Somebody’s got to make them.” Now I don’t know if he was trying to turn that one into a joke, but I’m not stupid. He did make major decisions and more. He decided we won’t be having a kid and he decided to never look for information on Robin, even though he said differently.

I told him the other day that by the time he did look for Robin if he ever did, she really would be dead for sure if there’s a slight chance at all that she’s alive.

Anyway, our deal was basically that he forbids me to have a child and whatever else. Meanwhile, he takes care of me. If I don’t ever want to work, I don’t. I can stay home and bum around and do my hobbies and he provides me with a home, medical insurance, food, cigarettes, journals, etc.

He got a raise and now he’s at $8.40 an hour and won’t get another raise until October. This isn’t enough for us and he says he’s gonna look for a new job to replace this one. I know him, though. He’ll take forever to look for that new job. I know it won’t be easy for him due to his working weekdays, but if I can’t have a kid, I want money!

I agree with him when he said I may say mean things to the child, but I don’t agree with him when he says I can still have a kid with asthma, sleep schedule and ADD. However, this has all got me thinking if I really want to have a child with him for other reasons that are ruining our marriage in general or stealing our time, lives, money and sanity. If he can make false promises to me, then he can do so to a kid. If he won’t put shit back in place, why would the kid? Not only do I have to think if I’d be a good mother, but if he’d be a good father. Overall, I believe he’d be a better father than most, but there are still faults he has as well as I have cuz no one’s perfect. Well, I’ll never have to worry about either of us doing wrong to a child we’ll never have.

I still feel that yes, I’m doing better at accepting never having a kid, looking at the bright side of not having a kid, etc., but I wonder how much longer will this go on before I’m completely over it. Will every single journal that I write for the rest of my life be filled with me wanting a kid here and there, but bitching about how I can’t cuz he’s lied and is playing with my head and how I’m angry at him and God, etc.?

Later...

Ma told me an interesting story when we were sitting out in Mary’s backyard yesterday. A guy killed his wife 2 houses down and buried her in the backyard. Then a pool was built over it. The murderer had kids as they all seem to. A daughter who was 5 at the time it happened ratted on Daddy over 20 years later. They dug up the area and found the body, then Daddy actually got sent to jail for life.

I’m getting hungry, so I better go make me a shake.

Later...

I look around me and I wonder just how it is that I could feel so cheated by God and Tom. Look at all the wonderful things I’m blessed with and all the freedom I have. I can do what I want when I want for the most part. I really do believe that most women would kill to be in my shoes. I know my sister would.

Anyway, as I figured, Alex hasn’t been able to find anything out about Robin. I’m sure he wishes he could, but he doesn’t have the knowledge of computers that Tom has. He has way, way more than me, but still not enough to get any significant information, I don’t think, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

I wonder if Tom has any book about AOL and CompuServe that may explain a little more about how it works. I feel like when I go in there (other than to get my mail or check the weather) that I’m stumbling around blind.

No sex for me till the weekend, although Tom says that’s not necessarily so. He’s due for his “tired” streak. Either that or he won’t have time or feel well enough. Maybe I can get oral sex, but he probably won’t stick it in there and he definitely won’t on Thursday. That’s when I’m mid-cycle. He knows cuz I wrote it on the calendar to help remind myself to start taking my vitamin E at that time.

I’m trying for another CD from Time-Life cuz there are some oldies on it I like. It’s from 1961, but if they mess up for the third time, then they have really got to be stupid. Really stupid!

Last night I finally finished reading all of Bob’s fantasy letters to Kim and boy, was there some really gross, yet ridiculously funny shit in there. There was this part where he says Kim dug her nails into Bob’s ass so hard that he bled and she ripped her nails off. Then she went and took a pair of tweezers to pick her nails out of Bob’s ass.

Sick!

Then he has this girl added to their little get-togethers and her pussy bleeds from so much sex.

Gross!

I guess he’s got a real fetish for blood, pee, puke, and passing out. There’s this part where he fantasizes that he and she have this house and while they’re out in the backyard she pisses, then does the same thing in bed. Another gross thing is how he puts fish halfway inside her and how they wiggle around while half stuck in there. Disgusting! Their other female friend did something amazing. Bob stuck a fish in her while she was asleep, filmed it, then she woke up and came instantly, popping the fish out a good 8 inches or so.

Yuck!

Wednesday, December 27, 1995

 

Journal 104 is done, and that’s got stories in it as well as lyrics. Well, I’ve definitely done enough typing and printing for the day and am getting pretty tired.

I woke up with major gas today and I still have some. I hope it’s not cuz of the milkshakes which are dairy, of course. I really need to lose 6-8 pounds.

I’ve decided that for once and for all I’m gonna trap Tom in his own bullshit. I’m not gonna mention a kid till at least April 1st and I’m gonna do all the little things he says will help him cum. I’ll be fully dressed at all times, I won’t turn the ringer or the fan on too much, and all the other millions of things I need to do that he says he can’t cum cuz of them. My point? To prove he’s full of shit. I’m gonna close in on him, trapping him into a corner with his own shit, and then see what he does. What will his new excuses be then?

Thank God, though, that due to my always being so horny that his tongue has no problem operating cuz he probably won’t screw me till the weekend and there’s no way in hell he will tomorrow. But he’s not a chicken, right? Right!

Now I’m gonna go see if I got any mail on AOL, before eating my chicken pot pie.

Later...

I just asked Tom if I should try quitting smoking now or on New Year’s Day. He said he thinks it’s best to do the things you want to do now, rather than put dates and times on things. Really? Then why hasn’t he done things he said he wanted to do? He said he’s trying. His typical answer.

It’s hard to believe that in just under 4 hours I’ve had only 2 cigarettes, but it’s true. If I’m not doing a good job at quitting, I’m at least doing a good job at stalling them, so far.

Anyway, Tom screwed me earlier and it was great. I don’t feel like a freak, cuz if he wasn’t really close, he did a damn good job at making it look that way. Maybe if he just always acts close, it’ll be OK. It’s when he acts like it’s a chore and he’s not at all into it that makes me feel not too cool about it.

I sang quite a bit today and not too much else. I told myself to do some housecleaning, but I got lazy.

I got a Chanukah card from Bob today. How in the hell can he get ahold of cards in prison? Maybe someone brought them to him or to another inmate and they gave them to him.

Still no call from Kim, so she must be busy. She left me a message while I was drawing up that shirt that she’d be calling Tuesday night, but no call yet. Someone tried calling when we were fucking, so maybe that was her. Whoever it was left no message.

Minnie still hasn’t tried calling back, so who knows what the hell is up with her. Cuz she’s got a kid, who knows when the next time will be that she can call?

After I finish this journal, I’ll have two other blank ones. The cat one Kim sent and the angel one from my parents. I think I’ll do the cat one next. Then, who knows when the next time will be that I type a journal. Watch, though. With my luck as soon as I finish this one, something will happen that’ll take pages to go through and you know how much faster that is to type. I’ll just use the Mystery file for that. I’m only gonna type up my journals in the end anyway. When I’m typing a journal and when I hit a part that’s typed up in the Mystery file, I just zap it on over and copy it in. It doesn’t fuck up documents that are of standard size. Anyway, the reason why I type up stuff when I’ve got lots of stuff to say is cuz that way I’m less likely to forget stuff. My fingers at the keyboard have an easier time keeping up with my thoughts than my fingers do holding a pen.

Later...

I was telling Tom that a part of me wished he would come out and say he was really holding back all this time and the reason why he did was cuz he had plans to cum during a certain time frame, cuz then I’d at least have a little bit of hope. Tom said he knew I wanted that. Well, I don’t want it if it’s true and he’s lying about it and that’s just what he’s doing. Even if he was cumming, it still seems hard to believe I could get pregnant. You’re only fertile 24 hours a month and it’s hard to hit it just right, even if you count. Tom told me last March or so that if it got to be April or May and I wasn’t pregnant, we could count, but that’s just another thing he said that he didn’t mean. I’m still gonna do my experiment to prove all the more that I know he’s full of shit starting New Year’s Day. This way I’ll remember how long it’s been easier.

Last New Year’s Eve, right as the ball was dropping, I knew instantly that I wouldn’t be pregnant in 1995. I wonder if I’ll get a reading on that right before or as the ball drops. If I do, I know what it’ll be. I know I’ll be getting January’s period and February’s and even March’s. At the same time, I can see that I’ll never have a kid, I see more strongly and surely a few months at a time. On New Year’s Eve, I’ll still write whatever I see or feel anyway.

When will the house sell next door? I’m just thoroughly amazed at the fact that it’s been vacant since September 1st. Boy, am I gonna be compensated with sheer hell for all this peace I’ve had over the last 4 months. The for-sale sign’s been gone, but no one’s moved in, so who the hell knows the scoop on the damn thing.

There’s nothing good on TV tonight, so I’m not sure what else I’ll be doing.

I heard something pretty funny on KHITS the other night. A DJ said that it was to be rather cold at night, so people might want to consider bringing their animals inside. Not a chance! This is Phoenix and if there’s one thing I can say that’s better with the dog situation in Massachusetts it’s that most dogs only go out just to go to the bathroom. Not here. Although there are fewer stray dogs here.

At least any dogs I do hear are off in the distance. For now. That won’t be the case whenever the house next door sells.

Wendy called with a computer question, but Tom crashed about 10 minutes before she called. She and I chatted about what we got for Christmas and for Chanukah in my case, too.

I know what I can go do now. Start decorating an envelope for Mary. I told Ma that it was her turn to be surprised with a letter and drawings and Ma said she’d love it.

Later...

What in the hell is going on? I just did Mary and Dave’s letter in the AndLar file and it wouldn’t print. Then, I transferred it to the KimBob file and it still wouldn’t print, so I left Tom a note about it.

Anyway, I did two drawings on the front of Mary and Dave’s envelope and now there are 3 others I’m gonna do on the back of it.

Thursday, December 28, 1995

 

Something totally amazing happened earlier. Well, today I’m mid-cycle and I said to myself, I’ll never get him to screw me today. Only use his tongue on me. So, he went down on me first, then after that, I proceeded to get him hard with my hand and he said, “Oh, I thought we were done.” I then told him I wouldn’t do anything to make him uncomfortable and he said it was OK. So, once again I started to harden him up, then he sat up to look at the clock. I told him to just relax and there’d be plenty of time for him to do whatever he needed to do unless he really wasn’t in the mood. He said again that it was OK. So, on I proceeded again and I thought, this guy is so damn scared, I’m never gonna get him hard, but he did get hard enough to get in there. As figured, though, he wasn’t in there too long due to being tired and he seemed to be not one bit into it.

Afterward, I said, “Hope that makes a baby. I have a good positive feeling.” I said this to see if his reaction would be as I thought it would. He said nothing, but he grinned as if to say, “Oh, no it won’t. I’ve seen to that.” Then I told him I was wrong when I thought he’d never screw me due to being mid-cycle. He said he forgot all about it, but that it wouldn’t have made a difference. I doubt he forgot about it and he’s right. It wouldn’t make a difference since he won’t cum. Still, it was shocking just to have gotten him in there which is always fun for me anyway.

I called Karson earlier to let her know that Gloria was to be on the Bravo Awards and she already knew about it. She sang one song that I don’t really like and she looked OK. She’ll never look like she used to, but she must’ve had surgery or something. Maybe it was the clothes she wore that were black. She had a nice chiffon flowing gown on, but she couldn’t really be that thin. Especially since she only had the kid a year ago. I don’t know what she did. Maybe cuz she can afford it she got a personal fitness trainer or something. I know she did that after she broke her back.

Andy and I spoke with Karson last night and maybe we will again tonight.

Tom got Mary and Dave’s letter to print out. They should get their letter tomorrow.

I’m still looking forward to writing journals again. I do love the pretty fonts and how fast the typing goes (when I have a lot to say), but there are annoying things about it. Like when I turn the computer off thinking I’ve said all I want to say. Then remember something else I want to write about and having to fire up this damn thing. Or wanting to type while Tom’s using this computer. Also, there are times when I want to write something personal and don’t want to do so with him walking around whether or not he really does read my journals, which I really doubt.

Later...

I hope I’ll be awake on New Year’s Eve to see the ball go down. Yes, I will be now that I think of it.

Yesterday I blew the patio off and washed it down with the water gun. It’s still pretty filthy, but hopefully, I can keep the birds off of it. I chase them out into the grassy area, then turn around and walk back and they follow me back up to the patio. I’ll just have to keep feeding them on their blocks out in the back of the yard and see if that drives any sense into them.

Karson’s either out of her mind, blind or I’m blind. She told me that during the video of the drag queens that did a video for her while she was 9 months pregnant and also as a tribute to drag queens who did her throughout the country, there was a quick second shot of her wearing blue while she was 9 months pregnant. I went and looked back through the video and I couldn’t find it.

I’ve got to get my lazy ass in gear here and do some dusting and vacuuming.

I realized last night that before they had straightening irons when I was in my teens and used to blow dry my hair straight, I still had split ends big time. Tom said the blow dryer would probably cause much more damage than the straightening iron.

Anyway, he’s gonna trim an inch (I hope) on the first, then a half-inch every 3 months. Meanwhile, I’ll sit and trim off split ends here and there. There are only millions of them! My hair is in so much better condition, though, when I do straighten it. It’s more manageable and much softer. When I leave it curly it feels like straw and is a bitch to brush through.

Here’s Linda now on KHITS singing Heatwave.

I sometimes still find myself wondering, like I am tonight, how some people I used to know are doing. I suppose I might want to puke if I saw Norah M now. She must be in her mid to late 40s and look much worse than Gloria does now. Isn’t it sad to know that we all get ugly (or fat), no matter how we started off looking as we were young?

I wonder why Jenny C isn’t married. She said she considered getting married someday and would like to have two girls. The only thing I can think of is that she didn’t find Mr. Right and I think that’s gonna be a pretty impossible task for her if she’s as picky as I used to know her to be. Always has a problem with people. Within a week or so we’ll be sending her the phone certificate and the letter. Tom said that this weekend he’ll call them to see if he can buy one somewhere so we don’t have to wait for it to arrive here. Meanwhile, I wonder if Jenny’s thinking I’m not gonna bother.

I can’t believe it still hasn’t rained. When will it? Now that I think of it, though, I really think that this has been the easiest winter here for me as far as my asthma and allergies go. It’s now almost hard to believe that I was once as sick as I was with attacks that landed me in the ER and constant colds, flues, sneezing, and wheezing fits. Most of it was nerves and the filth I lived in as well as the humidity. Now, I may have a good 10 days or so per month that it really hurts to know I’ll never have a kid, but I’m no longer a daily bundle of nerves and it’s dry here and much cleaner. The air in the winter, though, is still not too good due to the snowbirds.

Yuck. There’s this song playing now that Andy likes. He would.

It’s a bummer knowing that in just a week and a half or so, I’ll be depressed with PMS. I wish periods were every few months, instead of every month.

What should I do now? I could do up another shirt with drawings, but I don’t feel like doing that or much of anything. I wish I had something I was just dying to do. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, it’s that I don’t feel like doing what’s available to me.

Again, I know I should be grateful that I never made it as a singer or can have a kid cuz then I know I’d be crying out for these times of leisure.

Later...

Just as I last typed in my last sentence, I remembered today’s a workout day, so I went and did that. I still have to lose a good 2-3 inches before I feel satisfied and before I can fit into most of my clothes.

Now I’m calling the weather line to see if they say anything about rain. Nope. We’re gonna have highs in the 60s and it’s gonna be pretty dry.

Will Tom let me get pregnant in ‘96? Will God? Still have no vibes about it, but only my logic to go on that says no. Between him and God, he doesn’t want to deal with it and I believe they both don’t think I could survive it. Oh well. I can’t change fate any more than the next person can.

Yes, my legs, gut, and arms do feel firmer, but I don’t know if it’s psychological or not. It’s a good feeling and I hope to hell that I can stick to it for once in for all, cuz I really do feel lousy when I don’t exercise. I feel like one big lazy ball of flab.

I think I’ll go make some spag now. Tom would appreciate that I’m sure.

Friday, December 29, 1995

 

I made the spag and had a big serving of it. Not to mention the pizza I also had and granola bars. So much for my diet. And cutting the cigarettes down.

I’m taping what seems to be a very good movie right now.

I just got done listening to music and the movie won’t be over till 4:00.

No calls from Andy or Karson. I thanked Karson for not calling me 3-4 times a day.

I slept forever yesterday, so I’ll probably be up forever today, too.

Boy, if I wanted to or had to for some reason I could really make this journal last a very long time. If I typed it all with small print and printed back to back it could last several months. If I began my first one like that, it probably would’ve lasted over a year. The only way I could ever have a journal last over a year would be if I had been a singer or if I’d had a kid. More so if I’d had a kid.

I’m not bothering to make tapes of Little House on the Prairie cuz I’ve seen every single episode many times. I wish it were 4:00, though. I want to see that movie. I started watching the beginning, then went and listened to music. I don’t like to see the beginning of a movie, skip the middle and then see the end. Or see all of it but the beginning. I hate to even miss the first few minutes. Yes, I know I’ve got the thing taped on the VCR, but I don’t want to watch the end after seeing the beginning only to see the middle of it in the end. I’m just picky about stuff like that, I guess.

I saw Xena. She’s this woman that even Andy says is hot on this warrior princess type of show and that he’d do if he could. I guess there have only been about 3 or 4 women that he’s ever seen that he’d do. Yeah, she is my type, but there’s no real spark. Not yet, anyway. I see what he means, though. She’s tough and muscular, yet pretty and feminine. She has long straight black hair to the middle of her back and blue eyes. She looked slightly chunky, though, even though most of it is muscle.

When I pull my hair straight, it goes an inch above the crack of my ass. That’s the good news. The bad, as I said before, are all these fucking split ends.

I’m gonna try to paint cacti the next time I do a painting. When that’ll be, I don’t know. Whenever I’m in the mood for it, I guess.

I still have to finish my painting of Rose’s, but I don’t know how that’s gonna come out.

I miss swimming. I wish it were really hot. Mid-summer is my favorite time here, except for when we’re out doing errands or appointments. Well, I can’t go swimming now or watch the movie, so I may as well get some more stuff printed out. Got about 7 pages ready to print out.

Later...

Got a surprise package in the mail today from my parents. I sure didn’t expect it and who knows what the occasion is. I told Tom I think it’s cuz I’ve done everything “right” in this marriage as far as they’re concerned. I haven’t gotten into any trouble. I haven’t had a kid. Tom said, “No, they sent it cuz they love you and just cuz you’re you.”

Whatever.

Anyway, they sent me a nice denim jacket which will go great with my denim shorts, skirts and pants. It’s not a jacket like a regular jacket you wear when it’s cold, but one you’d wear in an office or something like that. It sure beats those old wool skirts and jackets we used to wear. It hugs the waistline well making me look thin. I also got a denim pocketbook with belt loops and pockets.

Tom got a huge shirt which I’m wearing right now. It’s gonna be big on him as well as me. Its sleeves and ends go down past my knees and I can pull the hood over down onto my chest.

They sent this really nice white-glazed eagle. It’s very modern-looking and it goes well in here but it’ll really go well when we get that newer, bigger and more modern house.

They sent two candles. One’s in a small red glass holder that I think I remember seeing in her place. The other’s white and looks like a snowball. That was probably intended as a joke on me.

They sent a little flower basket that I hung out on the patio.

Lastly, a music box of a mother dog at one end of a seesaw and two pups at the other end. It goes up and down as the music plays.

I’m gonna be watching TV for a little while, then I’ll type some more in here.

Later...

I decided to tape a couple of movies. That way I can forward through the boring parts.

Mary and Dave should’ve gotten their letter today and I hope they liked it as well as the drawings I did for them.

Tom picked up a piece of cardboard that’s specifically shaped and used for doing artwork of various kinds on shirts. That oughta make the job easier. I have 3 more shirts to do and I have ideas for 2 of them, but that’s it right now. I was thinking of perhaps writing my song titles on one of them, including the year I wrote them.

I just called and left a message on Andy’s machine asking for his opinion as to what he thinks about my writing my song titles on a shirt. I have about 22 of them, I think. I killed the song Without the Joy. I have enough depressing songs from before I came here and I need no more.

Tom still says he’s 100% sure we’re not gonna need a doctor in ‘97. He said if we’ve progressed this far, it’s only logical that we’ll continue to. Yeah, but we haven’t progressed in ways that make him cum and how does he know that he’ll be doing this by then? I still feel that I have to beg for sex, for the most part, it’s just for me for the whole part and when I talk about it he seems to punish me by avoiding sex with me.

Weird.

Anyway, things have been good with us and he checked into the cost of making up mugs with our pictures on them. It’ll cost $60 to have 4 mugs made up, then he has to carve at least two animal plaques, we still need to mail out the computer disks to Tammy’s kids when we get more stamps and get Jenny’s phone certificate.

This weekend we’ll probably go over and discuss using Excel as our long-distance carrier. I don’t see why we wouldn’t, even if it cost the same, but it does cost less. He said cuz she’s my friend, we can at least use it and be one of her customers, even though working for them just isn’t for me.

I wonder why she hasn’t called. She was supposed to call last Tuesday, so I hope she’s OK.

I haven’t checked the latest weather report back east, but I can only imagine how cold it must be. I’m sure they still have snow, too. Ha, ha! They can have it!

Kim must’ve gotten that letter by now where I told her the things I told Bob that were supposed to have really happened. Bob told Kim just about every single thing I told him in a letter to her and asked, “Is that true?” I’m sure he believes it and he’s a very typical male. He’s got no problem hearing about fantasies that include other women, but it would burn him up with sheer jealousy to hear of other guys in the picture.

Well, I guess this is it for this journal. Time for me to go get the other one started, but first I’ve got to type out the cover page. Meaning, my beginning and ending dates, age, and all that shit. Then my entry date page. Lastly, I’ll be binding this thing up into a book.

Saturday, December 30, 1995

 

Tammy wasn't kidding. She really did send us something. I was hoping it'd be a video, but it was a few pictures of the girls and a card. This was still great and Tammy, who still has 3 years to go in medical school, is graduating this semester with honors. I spoke to her afterward and she says she hasn't gotten another package from Mom & Dad. She also hasn't sent Larry the letter I typed up yet cuz things have been hectic.

Sunday, December 31, 1995

 

I just cleaned the stove and the two main computers. Next, I’ll have to do the bathroom and the microwave.

I spoke with Andy. He said he misses making prank phone calls, but wouldn’t dare call the same number twice or say anything too crazy. So, I told him that as long as he dials and lets me just listen, I wouldn’t mind listening in. I did speak a little, but we basically only spoke to each other as if it were a case of crossed lines. Maybe being bad like this will get me a kid since I didn’t have a husband when we did the bulk of our prank calls. Nah - it’s not bad enough. I’d have to deal or do drugs or kill someone.

Andy says he wants to try to go the whole month of January with no pot and that when he’s stoned it blocks him from having any premonitions. Makes sense. On January 15th, though, I’ll ask him if he senses what I do about a kid.

He also told me something else that seems rather unbelievable. Well, he’s got a 160-page journal he was gonna write a letter to Stevie in, but he wants to get her a smaller one. So, in the meantime, he’s gonna write his very first journal, he tells me. And he’s gonna let me read it, too.

Tom’s up now and I wonder if he’s over his cold. More so I wonder - did he ever really have a cold? Or is he saying so to avoid sex? Or play into my head that there’s a third source trying to help stop us from doing things? Did God have anything to do with his cold if that’s what he has to get in our way? Is he saying it to make me feel guilty about smoking? He doesn’t smoke yet he’s had 3-4 colds since we met and has less energy than I do in some ways.

Later...

Right now I am in a very good and positive feeling mood. I don’t know if this means our dreams will come true and I haven’t had any visions yet, but I do have good feelings for one or all of the following months. April, June and September.

It’s already next year in Massachusetts, Connecticut and Florida.

Dad and Mom called me and I also got to talk to Goldie and Al who were there. They also said they spoke with Boo & Max and Charlotte & Jim who are there in Florida too, of course. I asked Dad what was the occasion that made them send another package and his answer was, “Just because you’re you.”

I called Tammy and they were all falling asleep.

I forgot to mention that all her kids are really ugly which is sad. I liked the pose they were in and the way they were set up in the pictures, though.

I also called Larry who appreciated my call and I was amazed to hear that everyone else was asleep.

I made a request to Tom that he did that I really didn’t think he’d do to help me when I’m feeling hopeless. I had him write in the angel journal that he felt 100% sure we could have a family on our own, but that if I wasn’t a mother or at least pregnant by April of ‘97 we’d go to as many doctors as we needed to. I’m really glad he did this and I’ll read that over and over when I’m PMSing or whatever.

In about half an hour I’ll be watching the ball go down in Times Square, even though it’ll be taped. For now, I’ll go get the dishes done, so that and the laundry will be done and out of the way. Till next year!

My Time Has Come - 1981

My time has come. I must say goodbye. My bags are all packed, and I’m ready to cry.

Chorus; And I just wanted to let you know, I’ll miss you all. And I just wanted to let you know, thanks for all your help.

Well, my friend, I know, that even though this place helped, it also hurt, but now I must go

Chorus;

Well, like I said, my time has come I must say goodbye, and walk out the door.

Carry Me Away - 1982

Carry me away Carry me away

I don’t want to live in misery. All I want in life is to be free. Take me to where the sand meets the sea I’m free.

Carry me away Carry me away

I can see the road now, I must travel on. Moving from place to place, never home too long.

Carry me away Carry me away

Someday I know I’ll find it, but it won’t be on the road. I may not be a young girl, but at least I’ll be happy when I’m old.

Carry me away Carry me away

A Light in The Dark - 8/27/91

I see a light in the dark. So trapped, so alone and so dark. Yet there’s a light. A light in the dark. Wishing, wanting, hoping, while trying to remain grateful. Grateful for my beautiful surroundings. Grateful I’m feeling and looking well. Grateful for the many gifts I have, yet it is still dark.

Friends will come and they will go. I’m so cut off, please don’t go! That one very special friend had to go. I’m in the dark now, yet there’s a light. A light in the dark. I still have the same dream, and so it seems, the vision won’t go away. I know I should walk away. I’m in the dark now, yet there’s a light. A light in the dark.

I see a light in the dark. I bide my time, one step at a time. Some things have ended. Will my patience be rewarded? It’s so dark, yet there’s a light. I see a light in the dark. Yes, I see a light in the dark.

Eight Months of Mystery - 10/8/1994

The sun has gone down. Time to call for a cab. She arrives at a place, where she must put on a face. A face they called ‘Mystery’, till the end of the night.

Chorus: Eight months of Mystery, dancing away. To the beat of the drums, she’d pay her way. No need to hang up her dancing shoes yet, she had to get out of debt.

Another costume, another night. It was a fun and adventurous time. But when it became nine months, someone swept her off her feet. Someone most only ever dream to meet. Time to jump into yet another life.

Chorus: Eight months of Mystery, dancing away. To the strum of the guitar, she’d pay her way. Time to hang up her dancing shoes, but only in that way. For the memory of Mystery will always live on.

Never Forget - 4/14/1995

My best friend took a trip back to our home. He took a picture of what we used to call home. Hang onto this he said, remember where we came from. No chance of me forgetting the hell from which I came.

Chorus: It’d be something I’d never forget. Gotta run now, I may never get the chance again. It’d be something I’d never forget. I’m running now as fast as I can.

Remember those cold dark winter nights. Remember the sounds of the sirens and the gunshot blasts all night. Another dealer’s been taken away, but only for today.

Repeat Chorus:

We won’t forget the food stamps, oh no. We won’t forget the poverty and destruction. It’s where we came from, you know. Did you go by your old neighborhood today?

Repeat Chorus

Walk Towards the Light - 9/13/1995

In the middle of the night, the dream came to me. All was silent in the hallways, left to right. The unknown voice began its message. So seemingly scary, so out of place.

Chorus: You’ve done your time here, my dear You must go to your proper place. You’re free to go now and walk towards the light. Walk through the gate and down the tunnel. Walk towards the light. This is what it told me.

Woke up in a sweat, tried to make sense of it all. It wasn’t till I was at the airport that it finally made sense. Stands tall and thin, the symbol of peace, they told me. Unexpectedly came the big change, although something did try to tell me.

Repeat Chorus

[the-firebird69]

Tommy Allen & company have been on trial by the max for leading a revolution against them no recently found guilty in the max declared war on them they saw them rally other people's support today earlier and saw them send out their bunker findings over the past three weeks and help people get ready. Now they're losers this are the size of the force and then thought they'd use it and control the whole fight they're taking over DC New York City and all the other capitals. Other molars ran came here California other places and evacuated Biden and the McDonald's left leaving them completely exposed to the max who are now going to crush them and have stated so then said to others come back at your own risk. And it's a huge deal but we said they're going to get pummeled and not by the idiots who are going to check out so it's a good deal they get beat by going there and they get beat by going to the bunkers

Thor Freya

It's all around success for real and it's working and these people are cruel and mean and stupid and they're very very crass they're insane they're so backwards they couldn't tell what would happen they look at him saying so what they attack us we should just come in and wipe you out like they usually do they say this we don't have any chance it probably not because you don't listen to people and that's the way it is and you're mean. Saying who gives a f*** every time the guy said it you start saying that who cares who cares and it's true too so sitting there and seeing stuff and they finally said this they Don't really Care at all and going around making it worse so let's try yelling and screaming when our son left at each other send them back up there all sorts of dumb s*** and I sense it's time to get away from these idiots and let them kill each other so they left that's the four and they're sitting there fighting each other like little f*** wrestling poking each other with stuff someone said he has a knife and it's a small knife fight broke out now they are really mean to PG and they try to start a knife fight with him and he's saying don't do it and he had it in hand they didn't see it they came right up to him and he hit him and the neck and he was holding his hand the guy fell over dead some of the guy came up and said how come those blood on your hand he said oh this and he opened the knife and he said oh oh so he ran MPG ran up behind him and stabbed him right in the back of the neck it didn't like five people and left said bleed out get real sick say stupid s*** and f*** us up who cares we're all done anyways and he's right you people are f*** ups I hope it gets out of this is trying to be nice all the time to you people doing it all the time

Now we're going to war with these little idiots we see what the problem is they don't listen to anyone they're not afraid of anyone they don't fight they go into these bunker areas and getting wiped out and they're just standing there

So he said to one group why don't you just make a speech or something he said to a bunch so sitting there yacking and another group started coming in saying shut the f****** and move and they wouldn't and it was a fight and the max was so insulted they wiped them out they say it's a distraction not really I just haven't started yapping it's supposed to be doing a speech but I just think they can at the same time the dumber then that's tube sock there's dumb as a quarter that has nothing on it so they started laughing saying we take these people to seriously and them not at all and they're horrendously evil you say go that way then go that way whether it's good for them or not it's easy so the guy told people trying to do some maneuvers on these little idiots and they're getting them in there and killing them it's only me like an hour and it's going to be a full percentage point down to 7%, no it's probably be 2 or 3%. It's just really like a holocaust or so damn dumb so it might go down to 5% and globally there being attacked they're trying to move people out and now they're resisting saying we can't have you here you're going to mess up our money and all this other stuff so people are ordering troops down there to get the idiots out and we can cordon off the max and it's going to work for us

Thor Freya

Olympus this works out better by the way

You can see him struggling with it he didn't know which way to do it and he says that's fine push him out and push him out here and he needs them to come here but tons of them are anyways I'm going to push the idiots out just like they are elsewhere they're push them out of Miami in the blob everywhere and they'll have to push them out

Zig Zag

We're pleased to announce that we're probably not going to do that stuff okay I might but they can't and he says put in an edict and you got a deal we have a lot of stuff going on right now and it's all battle stuff and it's huge and the beer really helps these people are so dumb so we know what ship it was but we're bringing more and more and more beer and he says he's probably bring it to their areas where they're trying to stage so we're doing that now you got permission to bring tons in they'll want more of it and has a label beer so he ordered a ton for the island and my husband says for AI boy I will do it all it says this we made the program in the second castle no in the tower no at Carnegie Mellon of course not oh so now you get it and people are starting to follow that

Hera

Olympus

[myelocin]

tw: manipulation(?) dub/non con 

this is really a weird topic for me to touch but i think i’m at that very weird stage where i’m becoming aware,,,3 years later,,,ab how vile some people can be. i can’t stress it enough, if you are 18 and someone who is notably older than you expresses interest and gasses u up ab how “mature” u are,, please literally just turn around and walk the other direction. 

growing up, i’ve always considered myself to have always been situationally aware on stuff, and that often led me to just brush off incidents into a lighthearted thing. very big mistake. i jumped around from house to house since i was young and was on the side of life where i sort of got forced to grow up early,,so i always thought i was more adult than i actually was. (i’m literally still not,, i’m 21 now and i still am a child LMAO) but bro. the world shifts the second u turn 18. people are vile. men are vile. that 26 yo guy who was just your friend will gas you up and tell you that this and that is okay until they get what they want. you will feel like you’re alright, you can “handle” it, and you’re an adult anyway so why not, but please for the love of god walk away. 

the fact that u have to even convince urself that ur an adult and hype yourself up to believe what a 26 yo man is telling u is a clear sign that no u aren’t ready for involvement like that. 

regret is inevitable in the world and i always believe in letting people make their mistakes to learn lessons but when it comes to shit like this im begging u to just hear me out and walk away if god forbid u get into situations like that. when people say you’re just 18 it isn’t a means to demean ur maturity,,but this is just us looking out for u bc HDSJFHJDHFSJKHKDFJHJ this kind of regret will eat u alive for years.

u cry infront of that man and he will listen until he gets what he wants. i cried in front of this guy and told him ab how my own uncle touched me when i was 9 and he cried with me,,,then basically fabricated this so called “safe space” that was only there to take advantage of me later on. people are vile. u are so,,,,,,worthy of being encased in love and protected as much as possible so pls literally just cut that cord and walk away. no u dont need to feel bad if u need to block him bc just do it <3 there is no reason a man at that age should be looking at a teenager and gassing her up for being sO maturE and think that’s validation for them to have a pass and touch u. 

i just think i need to be blunt ab this bc this is another one of those nights where i’m remembering my shit decisions and wonky mindset frm when i was younger and i’m just now staring at a wall while i’m trying to get stuff done and blanking out for a solid 25 minutes before breaking down and feeling gross ab it. i WISH someone told me i was being a dumb bitch at that age. i WISH someone yanked my phone out of my hand. i WISH i had someone tell me this. i didn’t have that, so now i periodically rmb it and want to throw up, but i can leave this here and hope it reaches who it needs to reach. 

as always if u need to talk for ANYTHING, my dms are always always open. this just a little blog and a miniscule corner but i want to reach out as much as i can and talk to whoever needs it. i love you ok. please stay safe.

[lady-z-writes]

Plaything (Heisenberg x fem!reader)

Chapter 4 (of 5)

Summary: Reader works for BSAA and is scoping out the village until you get captured by none other than Heisenberg who doesn’t take well to trespassers. Once he learns of your hatred for your job, he wants the information you have and he doesn’t have to try hard to get it. You find yourself drinking, fireside, with him and can’t help but let him touch you. Angie said he’d needed a plaything and, well, you’re it.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Smut with (some) plot, chapter 4 below the cut:

You can remember the feel of a scratchy washcloth against your skin. It’s warm and the movement against your nipples is gentle. You want nothing more than to sleep right now, but you open your eyes and note a very shirtless, very tentative Heisenberg cleaning you up.

A moan leaves you as you try to shift over, cover your tits, go back to sleep – but he grips your wrist gently and easily turns you back over.

He chuckles. “Wore you out, huh?” his cocky smirk makes you smile back. “Just…let me do this then you can sleep.”

You nod, eyelids feeling heavy, and you let him take care of you.

When he’s done, you watch him turn toward his desk but your hand juts out to grab his wrist this time. He halts, slowly glances down at you.

“Stay,” you hum, shifting on his bed. “Please?”

Before long, you feel the bed dip from his weight beside you and you let yourself rest.

•••

It’s night by the time you wake again and he’s no longer in the bed with you, but you see the moonbeams through the curtains and stare up at the stars for a moment.

The breeze makes you cold and you reach for a nearby shirt of his. It’s white and shows your nipples through it, but the warmth is a comfort.

An empty room greets you when you look around. There are journals and books you’d never really paid attention to before. A part of you is tempted to flip through them, but you’re reminded of the behavior Heisenberg clearly wants you to exhibit.

Instead, you grab your boots and decide to shower off the events from the other night.

The water is scolding but perfect as you wash with his shampoo. It’s lonelier than last time, but your mind needs some clarity.

What you stumbled into…it’s laughable. If you’d been on any other team with any other lord, Heisenberg probably wouldn’t have saved you. You won’t let your mind wander to the others for too long – how their carcasses are probably tossed away somewhere and forgotten about right now. Heisenberg has his moments, sure, but you’re alive and it’s a kindness he didn’t need to do.

Your fingers are macerated so you shut off the faucet, reach for a towel. Sleep did you good, food would do you better. When your eyes travel to the doorway, you can’t help but scream.

A Soldat stands in the doorway.

Wrapping a towel around yourself, you press your back to the shower wall, breath coming in rapid bursts. The Soldat simply attempts to shove its way into the bathroom, but it doesn’t fit and the drill hits the wall instead.

There’s no other way out and you’re pretty sure the thing is going to drill through the wall. It manages quicker than you expect and you’re still in the shower stall, holding onto the towel for dear life as it strides toward you.

Its one drill gets stuck on the stall door, the other reaching you and digging into your arm. Another scream and you’re cowering down in the corner of the stall, pressing your hand against the bleeding wound.

In a blink, the Soldat is tossed against the other wall and Heisenberg steps into the shower. His eyes take in the blood.

“Can you stand?”

You’re in shock, but you nod quickly and you don’t stop nodding until he’s got you out of the room.

He sits you in his desk chair and grips your wrist, turning your arm over to see if the puncture wound went all the way through. You dare to look at it and see the gouge in your arm, blood oozing onto the towel.

“Next time,” he growls, pulling the towel down and exposing your breasts. “You get me before you shower.”

It hurts when he presses the towel to the wound, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. You grit your teeth, reminded of a recent mission you were wounded in. Pain is temporary, you remind yourself as he cleans off the wound.

He actually has gauze and it feels good once he’s wrapping the wound.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” you find yourself saying. “I’m sure you were busy.” You notice his eyes take in your nakedness. “Thank you…for everything.”

“This place isn’t safe for you, clearly. Don’t leave my sight again.”

You convince him you need food so he lets you get dressed. You’re afraid to enter where the Soldat is, but you grab the shirt and boots and run back to Heisenberg. He watches you dress in his white shirt and your knee-high boots.

“You are entirely too distracting,” he hums, staring at your nipples through the shirt.

In an instant, you’re shoved to the nearest wall, hands above your head, Heisenberg pressing a palm against your fists. He kisses you deeply, body flush against yours. His hand travels between you two and he plays with your clit. You not wearing panties has proven to be very distracting.

His fingers arched inside of you, mouth pressing kisses to your neck, you’re once again so pleasured. It feels like a wave consuming you – distracting you momentarily from your hunger.

“I’ve got to finish up a project,” he mutters against your neck. “What should I do with you?”

“You want to keep fucking me, you’ve gotta let a girl eat,” you quip.

Heisenberg blinks at you as he pulls away. “What a mouth on you…” he raises a brow. “Fine. It’ll keep you quiet while I work.”

He doesn’t have anything spectacular to eat but you manage to scrounge together something simple – some bread, veggies, more fruit. There’s some granola bars and you’re wondering where he got them but your curiosity melts away when he demands you get done and follow him. Snagging one, you scurry off behind him.

You’re deeper into the factory than you’ve ever been and it’s a bit overwhelming. Heisenberg drones on about some projects and gives you more information on the ins and outs of the Soldats. He claims he doesn’t expect you to work on any today, but you find it hard to believe. The man seems like he’s always plotting.

Halfway through the granola bar, he calls you over to help him but loud growling and snarling nearby alerts you both.

“Shit,” Heisenberg is suddenly irritated as he meanders to a window. His hand slams against the wall. “That oversized, psycho bitch.”

He’s spinning on his heels and approaching you quickly as you swallow your last mouthful of food. Eyes wide, you stare as he strides toward you and pulls your arm. As he’s dragging you down the hallway, you’re struggling to get out of his grip and repeating, “what’s wrong?”

“Apparently since I haven’t checked in recently, I get to be dropped in on by my sister.”

Your mouth goes dry at the thought and you stutter out a, “what do we do?”

•••

“You overgrown waste of space, get out.”

You can hear them yelling somewhere up above, but Karl had specific instructions to take the elevator two floors down, walk through the doors to the left, and take off down the hallway from there. He said wherever you’d go, he’d find you but as your eyes take in the maze down here, you worry that isn’t true.

Still, what choice do you have? It’s either this or be skewered by his false sister once she finds out you’re still alive. The thought chills you.

Deep in the maze now, you hear the movement of the elevator and their raised voices stirring about. Metal clangs, screaming, and crashing sounds above and as you hear the shifting of the elevator again, you break out in a full sprint.

Adrenaline coursing through you, it’s like an electric shock to your senses. The metal clanging almost seems louder and you wonder if Karl is doing that just to alert you where they are.

You’re good and lost by now, entering rooms that attach to other rooms; trying to find a hiding spot before you realize they’re moving again.

Her senses are sharp, apparently.

Approaching a room deep in the maze of things, you see a few lights on; wonder what he uses this for – but your wondering is cut short by the shadow of a figure standing in the nearby doorway.

An almost-scream leaves your throat but you cover your mouth with both hands in attempt to silence yourself.

The beast grunts, approaching slowly. Both arms are drills – the same version of the Soldat that attacked you earlier. It raises its drills in a readying attack.

You run back the way you came, back to the parts of the factory you know these things aren’t. Karl had mentioned before to stay near him if you were ever to venture out, but given the current unexpected guest, you’d had no other choice.

The creature charges after you, its grunting loud. Of course you look back at it – its grey skin – it’s like you still can’t believe what you’re seeing.

You manage to find your way back to a main hallway and take it all the way down. Glancing back, you think you’ve lost it…and then a loud clanging noise greets your ears.

It feels like everything is in slow motion when you turn. The oversized woman from the church stands just off the elevator, her long claws reflecting light. You can hear your heartbeat in your ears and as she charges at you, you see Heisenberg swing his hammer behind her.

With a flick of his wrist, he sends a bunch of metal scraps toward you with such power, you’re crashing against the nearest wall.

“I told you to stay out of it,” he’s yelling and it makes you hold your breath from on the ground.

“You kept her?” the woman screams. “I’ve known you to do some stupid things, but this?”

“Yack yack, go squawk to Miranda.”

“Do you know who they are?” she gasps. You notice Heisenberg is silent. “The others I brought to Castle Dimitrescu, they offered up knowledge: these people were meant to gather information on us,” she’s screaming at him. “And yet you keep this spy as a plaything? I knew you had intentions, idiot man-thing. You need to take care of this now.”

She clicks her tongue when she notices you pulling Heisenberg’s shirt down to cover yourself – feeling exposed.

“Oh, believe me, I will…” his voice is polished, mannerly. It stops you in your tracks. “You know how I don’t like anyone ruining my fun. This little slut has been sucking and fucking all night. I’m using her until I’m done and then I’ll string her body up for the Lycans.”

The tall woman lifts her chin with an inhale. You notice as she takes you in, Heisenberg is glancing down the hall you ran from, as if looking for his creation.

“Well, I…” the woman pauses. “I suppose I must honor Mother Miranda’s choices – though they may be poor at times.” A nod. She steps toward you, punctures the skin on your chest. “You disgusting harlot. I hope you rot.”

You cry out from the pain, try backing away, but are pinned to the wall suddenly by metal wrapping around your wrists.

“I’ll take it from here, dear sister,” Heisenberg sneers. “It’s my hour of need and…I’m sure you don’t want to be around when I take what I’m owed.”

The suggestive tone in his voice makes the woman sneer at him.

“Fine. Show me out.” She stands at full height and saunters over to the elevator. Just as you think you’re safe, she pauses, sniffs the air. “She’s not alone.”

“What?”

“There’s another.”

“What do you mean?” he’s spastic now.

“Did you bring another here?”

“No,” he quirks a brow at her. “Sure you aren’t losing it? Hat’s too big for your head – no time for big brain moments.”

She rolls her eyes and follows him to the elevator.

Heisenberg leaves you here, pinned up to the wall, crying and bleeding and praying to a higher power that thing doesn’t find its way back here or you’re dead.

And as the minutes tick by, you wonder just how honest he was being with his sister…was this all a ruse? His kindness just an extended roleplay to get what he wanted out of you before killing you?

The movement of the elevator startles you once again. A part of you is grateful for his return, meaning the monster may be kept at bay; yet you’re worried what his intentions are.

As he strides over to you against the wall, he exhales cigar smoke in your face.

“I like you strung up like that. My shirt, nipples hard, legs spread…” He kisses you then and you want to lean into it, but you’re frozen. He notices, pulls back. “Ah, I see the gears turning now…” he taps the cigar ashes off on your arm. “Not to worry, kitten. I’ll take care of you.”

The movement to your left makes your stomach drop. The monster from before lurches into view – loud and menacing.

“Should I let it repeat the scene from earlier? Your blood shed and my family won’t be forced to check on me anymore. No doubt Miranda’s about to find out about the fact that you’re still living…” as he rambles, the Soldat storms closer.

“Stop,” you whisper out, shaking.

He examines you then, “That’s real fear there, isn’t it, doll?” he huffs a laugh. “You truly think that I’m that much of a monster? To waste such a pretty specimen on such a gruesome death? No.” He snaps his fingers and uses his powers to urge the Soldat back down the hallway. “You’re lucky.” Another exhale of smoke in your face before he shifts his hands and the metal holding you to the wall loosens enough for you to slide to the floor. “Come on. Get up. No use wasting our time sulking.”

You’re hesitant to follow him to the elevator. Once again he’s acting so flippant and you’re afraid to let your guard down.

Still, what choice do you have? You follow wordlessly because you’re stuck here even if you find out he’s a bad man.

He chuckles at you as you join him on the elevator. “All that spunk is gone?”

You open your mouth to speak, close it, inhale sharply. He blinks slowly at you, crossing his arms.

“What the Hell was that? Are you planning on killing me, Heisenberg? Is this just some drawn out roleplay fantasy of yours? Fuck me, give me Stockholm Syndrome, then off to create me into some corpse of a machine?”

He smirks around the cigar as you raise your voice at him.

“There she is,” he hisses, grabbing you by the hair. “I wondered how long that fear would hide your attitude.”

When the elevator stops, he motions for you to follow him. You hesitate, but you do; slowly, cautiously. The maze of the factory takes you to his quarters in a way you can’t imagine memorizing. He’s silent as you walk together.

Barely into the room, he reaches for your shirt and rips down. The buttons go flying everywhere and the garment falls to the floor – leaving you naked minus your boots.

Heisenberg’s hands move as a collar and chains float behind you. You’re trying to maneuver away but it clasps around your neck before you can move too far. The chains are all connected, your wrists clasped behind your back. Heisenberg shoves you to your knees and you feel cold shackles around your ankles.

Eyes wide, mouth open, you’re too stunned to speak.

He’s in front of you in seconds, looking down at you like he’s inspecting his work. The way he licks his lower lip makes you shift your gaze to his erection right before your eyes.

“Too easy. Didn’t even put up a fight. You going soft on me, kitten? Or is it that you want this?”

He pulls a glove off, crouches down to your level, reaches in between your legs, and feels your wetness. A low groan leaves him.

“Wh-what are you…-”

“You so enjoy this, [Y/N]. Don’t act like you don’t, just embrace it. You like being my plaything – it’s the best job you’ve ever had.”

“Worst pay I’ve ever had,” you retort. It’s sort of a joke, you think.

His hand cups around your throat and he presses in warning.

“Real cute, huh?” He shoves you off, stands back up. “Mmm you have no idea how badly I want that mouth of yours on my cock…but I’ve got a few notes to take and a phone call to see if my dear brother knows of your survival yet. And you’re going to kneel and wait for me.”

He presses his hand to the back of your head, shoves his crotch in your face for a moment until you struggle against him, still unsure how to read the situation.

Finally, he pulls away, leaves you on the filthy floor, and sits himself at his desk.

“You should have just killed me on the bridge if this was all your plan.”

He doesn’t even look at you, which had been a hope of yours. You want to see his expression, see his eyes.

“Keep talking and I’ll bolt metal across your lips.”

Things go silent until he has to make his phone call – just pen scratches across paper and the normal metal clanging of the factory. You imagine more of those Soldats are stomping around somewhere and the image makes you shudder.

You barely notice when he’s picked up the phone, you’re too busy focusing on the pain in your knees.

“No, Moreau, this isn’t Miranda…” he sighs into the receiver. “Yes, I’ve heard that they were agents…no, I’m not worried…look, you globular piss baby: has Lady Gargantuan called you today?...”

You’re waiting for his response to continue but Heisenberg has gone silent. His back is to you so you can’t read his expression once again. You see his shoulders move with his breathing.

Suddenly, the receiver slams.

“This arrangement isn’t going to last long,” he growls as he stands, knocking over his chair.

Before you can respond, he uses his powers to lift up the metal chains around you and toss you to the bed. Face-planted, you struggle to sit up, turn over.

“If that weeping sack of mucus knows, you can bet he’s told the star of his Oedipus Complex.”

Heisenberg is unbuckling his belts, tossing off his shirt, completely undressing with each step toward the bed. You watch him from your awkward, uncomfortable position and your stomach flips.

When he flops down on the bed, he pulls the chains so you’re forced to straddle him. In ankle and wrist restraints, your range of movement is significantly reduced. He knows this. It’s clearly doing something for him as you watch his dick get hard again.

“Ride my cock, [Y/N],” he demands.

Your knees ache, but he helps pull you down onto him and the instant pleasure makes you forget about the soreness in your knees for a little while. Your legs can only spread so far with these ankle cuffs but that sort of adds to the sensation with how tight you are against him.

“Karl,” you whine.

“Mmm, yes, pet?”

“What are you gonna do to me?” your voice brakes as tears fill your eyes.

His expression changes for a fleeting moment. The ankle shackles are opened with a wave of his hand. You feel your knees buckle under you and you fall face-first into his broad chest. Heisenberg runs a hand through your hair, trace down your back. You feel him press his lips against the top of your head, a moan making his chest rumble as he thrusts up into you.

“Right now, I’m gonna enjoy you,” he speaks softly. “We’ll figure out the rest in the morning.”

It’s a soft moment and it catches you off guard. You lift your head up and meet eyes with him. It’s then that you realize his intentions, know in your heart that he was putting on a front for Lady Dimitrescu.

Suddenly, the position you’re in doesn’t seem so dire.

[mikasaessucasaa]

Title: Prince's Ransom

Summary: Pirate captain Asami saves Prince Iroh from Davy Jones’ locker and decides to ransom him.

For @orangepanic

PART 1 ... PART 2 – PART 3

Asami left Iroh in her quarters and headed to the galley to grab food for the both of them. He was quite the grumpy prince, probably because he’d yacked up his last meal. She wasn’t sure any of the months old food would help settle him, but she was hungry too.

Mako was already standing in the galley, looking displeased at her.

“Waiting for me, Mako?” she asked sweetly.

Mako ignored her. Her sweetness stopped working on him long ago, even with their complicated history. “This is a bad idea, Asami.”

She walked past him to gather a few sea biscuits, dried meats, and considered the pickled carrots. All the fresh eggs have probably been snatched up for the day, but maybe there was some goat milk left over. “Oh come on, you out of everyone knows how badly we need the gold for supplies. We haven’t been able to get a good catch in weeks.”

“He’s the Fire Nation Prince! You’re practically putting a target on our backs!” Mako started raising his voice.

Asami always welcomed dissenting ideas, but she hated it when Mako started raising his voice. It gave her a headache, and she was already cranky after spending so much time with Iroh, as handsome as he was.

“Got to risk big if we want to win big, Mako.” She rubbed her head. Goat milk wasn’t worth staying another minute getting nagged by Mako. She grabbed a bottle of rum, and headed back up. As she reached the top of the stairs she turned briefly. “Besides, it’ll be worth it to see the smiles on the little one’s faces.”

“If we don’t lose it all.” Mako called out behind her.

Asami didn’t need another reminder on what they risked, but they all knew that they were desperate. Finding Iroh in that wreckage, just as desperate to survive as they were, was the best thing that happened to them in months, years even. He could change the tides for them in a way that nothing else could.

If only he would cooperate.

She nodded to Bolin who had taken over Korra’s guarding responsibilities, and he helped her get back inside her quarters with her full hands.

Iroh still stubbornly kneeled on the floor, though she offered him a comfortable seat.

She put the food and rum down on her little dining table and motioned for him to join her. “Come, sit with me and eat.” He looked at her skeptically. She rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to poison my meal ticket for the next couple of years.”

He gestured his head behind him, towards his tied hands. “And how am I supposed to eat like this?”

Asami smiled wide, feeling a thrill with her idea. “I’ll feed you of course.”

He frowned. “I can feed myself.”

“You can also attempt to firebend and escape even though we’re thousands of miles away from the nearest land.”

“I’m not daft, despite what you insinuate.”

“You must be, to reject being fed by a pretty lass.”

“You think too highly of yourself.” But she saw the way that he looked at her, the way that his eyes followed her lips, and knew that he lied.

“Do I?” Asami shrugged. “Suit yourself. Starve then.”

Asami began eating, mixing the dried meats with the even drier sea biscuits, before downing it with a significant amount of rum. Iroh’s stomach rumbled at the sight of her, and she saw him swallow. He spent another moment warring with himself, before he gingerly rose from the ground and sat across from her.

She gleamed at him.

He could be a good boy if he tried.

She tore a large piece of biscuit and fed it to him with her fingers. His mouth and tongue pressed softly against her fingers as he bit into the biscuit, and her eyes snapped to his. He froze after realizing what he had done, before coughing at the dryness of the biscuit.

She raised the bottle of rum to his lips, and he shook his head. “Don’t you have anything else?” he asked, throat scratching.

Asami shrugged. “We haven’t been able to make a supply stop in a long time.”

“You’re trying to take advantage of me.”

A sly corner of her mouth lifted. “I already am.”

Iroh contemplated for a moment and nodded. Asami raised the rum bottle, and he swallowed heavily, a trickle of rum escaping the corner of his lips. She pulled away and reached out to wipe the rum, eyes locked with his.

“Are you ready to negotiate now?” she asked.

He nodded as if in a haze.

[jjba-hell]

Fate and Fortune

Part 7 (holy shit)

A bit of a filler but I swear the next part is gonna get juicy- the way I write Jotaro is just painstakingly layered in non-verbal communication so it takes longer to describe.

Content Warnings: familial loss, it is the Strength card arc (harassment) some sea sickness but that’s about it

For the moots keeping up with my bs: @risottoneroo @fyre23

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

“Vera?” Avdol’s voice rang on the other side of the metal door. “Are you alright?”

The concern was understandable- she wasn’t exactly used to sleeping in the top bench so when the ship took a particularly harsh hit she simply rolled off and with a loud thud landed on the floor. Too exhausted to move, she then simply pulled the blanket from the bottom bunk and tried to continue sleeping.

“I’m opening the door.” He warned before doing just that. The exasperated sigh that followed made her laugh to herself.

“What?”

“Vera, I was concerned you had hit your head.”

Once again she found herself taking his outstretched hand to get up, looking up at him with his hair half in and out of the signature buns atop his head made her laugh. “It’s an ungodly hour to still be working on your hair, don’t you think Avdol?”

“Oh and I suppose you’re willing to sacrifice your sleep for me?”

Vera dramatically held a hand over her heart like she was offended. “You think so ill of me, Avdol! After all that time of nightmares disturbing us both?”

She rose up from her blanket on the floor and with feign indifference fixed her pajama shirt. He only folded his hands over his chest, raising in an eyebrow at her in that same feigned annoyance.

“You can be so dramatic sometimes. Very well, Vera- could you please come help me tend to my hair?”

“Hmmmm, on one condition.”

“I’m listening.” He laughed.

“Just some fire from Magician for when I come back to bed, I’m cold.”

“That’s all?”

She nodded, strolling past him into the hallway, Avdol’s arms remaining crossed as he watched her wait all too happily outside in the hallway.

“Very well.”

Before Vera had as much control of her stand as she did, accidents were a common occurrence in Avdol’s house- Fortune being the cause but neither one of them noticing. One particular time, Avdol had burned just the tip of his finger on a stove top he believed had cooled down enough- using his usual hair care products in his hands annoyed him to no end. So she made him teach her.

Now she could do it with relative ease but the first time she did it, it was definitely a learning curve.

“I worry about you.” He had said as she was nearing the end of the last bun.

“Why? Because you find me on the floor with a blanket simply because I am too lazy to get back on the bed?”

“I’m more concerned for your nightmares. I haven’t seen you well rested ever since you came to Japan.”

She shrugged, knowing full well he couldn’t see. “You’re not wrong but there’s not much I can do.”

There was a stretch of silence and then, “What happens in your dreams? I’ve always been wary of asking you prying questions on the matter but perhaps speaking on it might help you resolve something deep within your soul.”

Vera’s hands shakily continued with Avdol’s strands, the lump in her throat growing bigger. “I dream of my mother, more than anything. I didn’t see my father’s face in death but my mother...”

With a shaky exhale she let the words pour out of her. “I never hear her, not like I hear my own screaming. I always just see her reaching out for me from the darkness- I’m always just a few inches short from reaching.”

She carefully wrapped the silk headdress over Avdol’s head, straightening out the little braid that ran down his back. “Embarrassingly, whenever I think of my father- the only face I see is yours.”

With a slight pat on the shoulder, like it would help him forget what she had said, Vera took her cigarettes from his bedside that she had brought and moved away towards the door.

Magician’s Red emerged from his user and offered a little flame in his hand. Fortune took the honor of taking it and with a smile she looked over at Avdol.

“You’re certainly an unexpected daughter, Vera... but I can’t think of a stronger person, even if I tried.”

“Thanks.”

And without adding any more sarcasm to ruin his good mood, Vera was off again back to her room, Fortune trailing behind with the little fire that seemed to warm her own hands in her pockets just as well.

The next morning she sat on the deck in the sun to get a better look at her bruised and splinter-filled leg.

For once it was Kakyoin using a metal tweezer to pull the splinters from her knee and shin- her head tipped over the backrest of the lounge chair she was seated on and a cigarette in her other hand.

“And you’re telling me it doesn’t hurt?” Noriaki laughed as he pulled a rather thick one out of the side of her shin.

“Of course it hurts but it feels more like an itch than stinging pain.” She answered, taking a drag and watching the smoke swirl up and dance with the subtle breeze around them.

“And you said it was from your fever?”

She threw her hands up, “Beats me- I just theorized that my nerve endings were burned half to death during the fever.”

Beside her, in her peripheral, she was watching as Jotaro’s eyes burned holes into Noriaki’s hand on her knee. He hadn’t ashed his cigarette in a while so she knew he was most certainly not casually smoking.

“And why is it that you refuse to heal yourself?”

Her attention returned to Noriaki. “Well for the most part, most of my injuries are from bad luck which is penance for manipulating fate. Also- I can’t revert my own luck. I can only move it forward under dire circumstances.”

Noriaki carefully disinfected the little holes literring her leg and had just finished wrapping up the ones still bleeding when a commotion below deck caught everyone’s attention.

Vera rose up and took hold of the first aid kit. She’d been trying to distract herself from the immense sea sickness that felt like a knife twisting in her gut but that last cigarette was the last straw.

On shaky legs she came to lean against the railing beside Jotaro, maybe a step too close for casual but she gazed up at him regardless. “I’m gonna take the first aid kit back- holler if you need me.”

He only gave a curt nod. She nodded right back, pushing off the railing and bumping into Jotaro in her disoriented state. He caught hold of her shoulder as she tried to regain her sense of direction.

“You look like shit.”

The comment probably shouldn’t have sparked so much anger in her but regardless she looked up at him and purposefully dropped the first aid box a hair width away from his foot.

“I’ll yack my breakfast out on you, Kujo. I’m well aware that I look like shit.”

With an angry shove away from him she pushed her way to the stair railing that led below deck. “Ms! Is everything alright?” One of the crewmate called from the bottom of the stairs and for once she was grateful to have someone help her down a flight of stairs.

She had just sat down in the captain’s quarters with a sigh when she looked down at the desk- a unopened letter with the Speedwagon Foundation seal lay on the top of a stack of paperwork. Her curiosity burned perhaps a bit brighter than it should have, so she let Fortune bring the letter to her hand- turning it around to see if it wasn’t open by any chance.

The letter was returned to the stack- after she realized it really wasn’t open- and then replaced by the piece of scribbled paper just below. At reading the name spelled in all capitals in the letter, her heart dropped to her already twisting stomach.

DIO.

“A false captain, huh?” Her eyes scanned the document further.

The sudden crash and tremors moving through the ship had her shoot up out of her seat and back towards the top of the deck. She was greeted my Mr Joestar’s wide eyes then slight relief. “Good, you’re not hurt- we’re evacuating the ship!” He announced to the crew.

“What? Why?”

“The captain was a fake- he’s gonna detonate the ship.”

She ran after him, trying to come up with a better solution than bobbing about on a dinghy. “Can’t we just find the bomb and I can delay the timer?”

Her duffel bag got put down right at her feet. “No time to look, ship’s too big.”

Internally, she was screaming as she picked up her duffel bag and ran to help grab the other guy’s bags as well before running up deck just in time to see them lowering the life boats.

It had been a few hours since they started aimlessly drifting in the water and Vera was losing her grip on whatever food had been pushing its way back up.

“I never understood when they said you become green when ill but I think I see it now.” Avdol joked from across the lifeboat from her.

The frantic laugh that left her lips had the whole crew watching as she pushed her head between her knees and think about solid ground and not the insistent bobbing of the waves around her.

“Funny joke, Avdol. Wanna lend me your robe?” She asked as she stuck a hand ahead of her.

Kakyoin’s hand rubbed soothing circles over her back, the subtle warmth on her back helping her ground herself. It was usually when Kakyoin as much as opened his mouth that Jotaro’s knee moved closer to her- the most subtle movement to bring himself closer to her. Vera couldn’t exactly complain- having his leg beside her helped her ground herself even more. But Noriaki, despite his flirtatious nature, was very careful not to move too close to her, even when she sat up, his shoulder rarely grazed hers- as if he was deliberately swaying himself away from touching her. Jotaro however, took his space freely- his arm was almost attached to hers and his knee only seemed to move away when he could tell Kakyoin was going to keep his distance.

So- in the name of gaining more grounding- she moved her other hand to extend across Noriaki’s lap. He seemed to get the message pretty quickly since he took hold of her extended hand, which was probably the ‘all clear’ signal for him since his knee moved against hers as well. Jotaro’s response was to lean his arms onto his lap- their arms touching once again.

“So which one of you are dating?”

Those words uttered by Anne was enough for Vera to end up feeling like the floor was ripped right under her. Both of the boys moved away from her, her head shooting up the overwhelmingly bright blue sky. Her eyes took a moment to adjust but there it was- another ship.

“We’re getting out of here!” She exclaimed.

Jinxed it.

Soon as she stepped on the stairs to the upper deck she stopped a moment. Jotaro was on the landing with her, watching her shakily bend at the knee to get closer to the water and rather undignifyingly let IT all out.

The strong hand on her shoulder came as a surprise though, as if holding her from falling forward into the water.

The handkerchief offered to her truly had her questioning if it was even Jotaro standing beside her. Did she miss something?

Without another word his hand left her shoulder and she stood up- now painfully unable to look him in the eye. He noticed just enough to give a huff of laughter before turning to walk up the stairs.

“Thanks.” She called back without looking back. Jotaro’s footsteps stopped for a moment.

“What did you say?” She could just hear the cockiness as he turned around on the step he was standing on.

Now this game she was not going to play. Vera spun around and walked up the stairs until she was one step below him, craning her neck to look up at him. “Thank you, Jotaro.” Her hand landed gently ontop of Jotaro’s hand holding the railing.

The smugness on his face slid off and was replaced by the same flat, stoic face with maybe a hint of surprise in the height of his eyebrows.

“Whatever.” He mumbled as he turned around and continued up the stairs.

On the upper deck she was asked to help Anne rinse off the saltwater in the bathrooms- she understood why but she was not into playing babysitter.

“You just had to jump onto a ship with a jean overall, huh kid?”

Vera ripped up one of her button ups along with the the last short in her duffel bag for Anne before standing guard at the bathroom.

Jotaro’s heavy step echoed through the hallway until he came into view and the first thing she asked was “Do you feel eyes on you?”

She’d say she started feeling as if she was being watched shortly after they saw that stupid orangutan sitting in its cage.

“I wouldn’t say eyes, but something does feel off.”

Vera leaned against the door frame, humming. They’d already had the suspicion that it could be a trap but the user would have made themselves known by now, wouldn’t they?

“Are you still sea sick?”

Her gaze trailed up at him, leaning across the hallway from her. He didn’t seem malicious in asking or even joking. The same stoic face looked back at her as he asked that.

“I feel a lot better but it’s kinda touch and go but thanks for asking.” It was probably the first time she didn’t answer with a bit that hint of sarcasm- instead answering him straight. The moment was gone the second a blood-curdling scream from the showers made her jump out of her skin and straight to where it was coming from.

Vera’s mind shut down at the sight of the orangutan holding her underwear, her duffel bag’s contents strewn over the floor of the bathroom and Anne cornered in a shower.

All discomfort she could ever have felt melted away in that moment and Fortune leapt forward faster than she’d ever seen her move. They had landed one good hit to the jaw, when the walls around her started to close in on her and her stand.

“What the hell?” She pushed against the metal boxing her in place with no success. “How the hell do you move like liquid in one moment and stay solid in the next.”

Out of desparation she brought Fortune back out and tried to push with her, the metal groaning in protest but not enough for her to get out.

When another scream on the other side sounded behind the metal walls separating them, desperation set in and she called out to Jotaro. “You boxed in?”

“Yeah. Any plans?”

“I’m gonna phase you in with her, you keep her safe- okay?”

She didn’t wait for an answer as she sent Fortune through the walls to where she’d guess Jotaro was and then dragging him through to the other side of the metal wall she heard the scream coming from. The walls started to cave in all around her, her arms starting to lose mobility the closer the walls crawled closer to her.

“To whoever’s stand this is, cop a good feel while you can motherfucker cause I’ll make sure you don’t have hands to feel with ever again!”

As she was about to attempt another struggle the walls seemed to slowly deflate like a balloon and on the other side was the busted up orangutan, Jotaro and Anne.

“Vera...” Anne started shakily as Jotaro almost marched with his back turned to them.

“It was the orangutan, the whole ship is his stand. We’ve gotta get off.”

She only listened with half an ear as she handed Anne the clothes she had originally intended for her to wear. Jotaro hastily grabbed her duffel bag and stuffed as much of her stuff in as he could before they booked it out of there- ending up right back where they started.

With Vera’s head between her knees trying to fight off the sea sickness.

[unofficialkfamtranscripts]

King Falls AM - Episode 9: Jack in the Box Jesus

View on Google Docs

Summary: September 1, 2015 - An alleged sighting of the Lord & Savior at a downtown fast food restaurant has the residents of King Falls ready for deliverance, meanwhile Sammy & Ben try to navigate the flood waters of this revelation.

[podcast intro music]

Mayor Grisham Ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that while it is a terrible inconvenience that our modern electronics are out— this is not the end of the world. It could be a refreshing change of pace! Instead of reading, on your tablet, go down to the King Falls library, and check out the real thing! Instead of texting your BFF, go enjoy some pancake puppies at Rose’s! and have a face-to-face chat. This isn’t as bad as it seems— and it could be a blessing in disguise.

[KFAM intro music]

Sammy Good morning guys and dolls, you’re listening to King Falls AM—

Ben —That’s 660 on the radio dial.

Sammy And this is day 13 of what has been dubbed the King Falls Electrolocaust.

Ben This has easily been the hardest two weeks of my professional career.

Sammy It has been tough, but Ben and I want to thank you, and everyone out there listening, for the continuing support of the show.

Ben We got another doozy of a show for you tonight, King Falls. During hour two, we’ll be interviewing Maria Chandler, manager of the King Falls Apple store, and speaking about the effects the shut down has had on business.

Sammy As well as fielding your calls and talking about whatever’s clever this evening.

Ben I miss computers, Sammy. I miss the schedule. Our automated systems, my alarm clock. I’ve went through three the legal pads in two weeks!

Sammy [sympathetic] I know, buddy.

Ben I would literally watch Channel 13 if given the chance.

Sammy Wow. That’s saying a lot.

Ben [softly] I need my life back.

Sammy King Falls, how are you taking the modern electronic shut down of 2015? Are you refreshed? Reliving the mid-90s? Or— are you falling apart like our dear Ben Arnold?

Ben I’d listen to boy bands, to have a working smartphone. I’d wear, puka shell necklaces and sell my pog collection,[1] if you give me five minutes with my email.

Sammy Look on the bright side, Ben. You’re spending all your free time down at the library, and I haven’t called you out on it!

Ben That’s calling me out on it.

Sammy Eh-Well- and you know it’s nice hearing the birds tweeting instead of @kingfallsam. I’m not saying I don’t miss it but, I’m enjoying this a little bit.

Ben ♫It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with yoouu♫[2]

Sammy The references are not gonna bring back your goods.

Ben [hurt] Dammit Sammy, let’s just take a call from our jury-rigged phone system.

[bg music being provided by Chet’s record player]

Sammy You’re live with Sammy and Ben.

Cynthia Yeeaah, I wanna talk about the outages.

Sammy Cynthia Higgenbaum, ladies and gents. How are you doing during this electronic crisis?

Cynthia [blissful] I feel the warm embrace of the chastity belt that’s been placed on society. I’m relieved, de-stressed, marvelous!

Ben *chuckling* Whoa, heh, that’s- that’s a heck of a change!

Cynthia [suddenly aggressive] What are you trying to say, Ben?

Sammy It’s just you’re usually- you’ve been a little… pessimistic in the past.

Cynthia [mostly calm again] Ohhh, I still have problems; I’m full up with issues. But right now, I don’t have to worry about what websites my husband is perusing, what brain-dead TV my kids are watching— I’m at peace! It’s just me and my harlequin novels. Plus, with Jesus back and all—

Ben [jokingly suggestive] 50 Shades of Cynthia

Cynthia [angrily] Don’t be filthy Ben Arnold! I Know Your Mother!

Sammy I-I’m sorry, Cynthia— did you just say that Jesus is back?

Cynthia [gossipy tone] Have you guys not heard the news?

Ben Is she talking about Jesus Jesus?

Cynthia There’s only one.

Sammy Wellll, I think Mexico would disagree, but please tell us why you think Jesus—

Cynthia [snappy] I don’t think Sammy, I know! [softer] Earlier this evening, he was spotted glowing and speaking in tongues at Jack in the Box.[3]

Ben The one off Main Street or Red Oak Avenue?

Cynthia Ew, nobody does to Red Oak.

Sammy [softly] Jack-in-the-Box-Jesus.

Cynthia Oh, Hell no! I will not participate in that blasphemy. You’re gonna get smited—

Sammy Oh, I- I mean- I wasn’t- I’m sorry, I’m not meaning to, uh—

Cynthia Tell it to Satan! In Hell, Sammy! [hangs up forcefully]

[dial tone]

Ben This is big.

Sammy [slightly reluctant] If you or someone you know has had a sighting of *clears throat, Ben laughs* Jack in the Box Jesus please give us a call. Uh, 424-279-3858

Ben You’re on King Falls AM.

Deputy Troy Now I know what you’re thinking: how could the second coming of God’s only son happen and ol’ Troy here didn’t clue you in.

Ben Not what I was thinking.

Sammy What do you know Troy?

Deputy Troy Well I got a suspicious persons call out at ol’ Yack[sic] in the Box around 9. So, I hit the lights and cruised over to see what the fuss was about. And lo and behold, back by the dumpster with a mess of people looking on— there he was.

Sammy Now, are you really telling us that— [still reluctant] you saw, or, you believe you saw the son of God and the King of Kings bangin around outside the Jack In The Box?

Deputy Troy Well, he was a man. Somebody’s son, no doubt. Bearded. Good lookin’, if-if you’re into that sort of thing. He had a robe on—

Ben [cutting in]We can solve this right now. Was he white or was he black?

Deputy Troy He was more of a greenish color. Like a glow really.

Sammy The man had an aura around him.

Deputy Troy It was shinier than a damn Fukushima foxhound, fellas. Like, I felt a need to put on the old aviators, but I- I didn’t want to be cliché.

Sammy Alright, Troy. So, work with us here; you’re in the back of the Jack in the Box, there’s a uh, a Jesus-type guy—

Deputy Troy Just-a-ramblin’ on.

Ben Speaking in— tongues?

Deputy Troy Speaking in somethin. The last time I heard gibberish like that was comin’ from the back of my Chevy with Shell Snyder’s daughter.

Sammy So what happened next?

Deputy Troy Well a group of looky-loos had descended, as I said, and since it was only me, there was no perimeter set up yet. So I start ta approach this glowing Christ and somebody— Roy Higgins if you gotta know/— hollered out “It’s Jesus!” and the whole parking lot just went bonkers!

Ben Well, di-did you speak to the guy?

Deputy Troy Damn skippy. I told Roy that this was official police biz. And he shouldn’t be squawling around like a little baby.

Ben No, Jack in the Box Jesus.

Deputy Troy Oh, well no. I- I turned around and he was gone. Split right off into the woods, I suspect.

Sammy Did you follow him?

Deputy Troy Sammy. So you’re tellin me that you’d follow a 6-foot-tall and glowing perp into the woods??

Sammy [muttered] Point taken.

Ben So any other sightings?

Deputy Troy Well, not as of yet. But there were so many people they could’a had a revival in that parkin’ lot. So I’m guessin’ that’s how word spread so quickly. And without internet, too? That’s pretty damn impressive.

Sammy Is there an APB out or anything?

Deputy Troy For what, dilly-dallying around with a jumbo jack? He wasn’t doin nothin bad. Just acting a fool— Lord forgive me— where he shouldn’t’a been.

Ben And glowing.

Deputy Troy That’s right.

Sammy Well, please let us know if get any more info on this, Troy. We’d appreciate it.

Deputy Troy You bet. I’ll be sure to keep you boys and the listenin’ public informed. But if you should happen to stumble upon Jesus? Do not approach, bother or pester. You just call up Ol’ Deputy Troy.

[hangs up]

Ben …or your local church. [dial tone]

Sammy Deputy Troy, ladies and gents. Now we’re just going to take a quick break and hear from one of our new sponsors: Carl’s Candy!

Ben Yeah I don- I don’t think we should play this

Sammy What? Ads pay the bills remember?

Ben Folks, as a workaround with all the tech issues, uh, I went out and recorded a few spots of some of our sponsors- uh, new and old. Emphasis on Old, after this one.

Sammy Okay, so the audio is bad.

Ben *sucks in breath* You could say that.

Sammy This company’s paid up! They’re scheduled in one of your many notebooks. Let’s do this. We’ll be right back folks.

[slow, creepy xylophone music]

Carl [voice is soft and creepy, like you expect from a guy who offers kids candy from the back of a van] Do you know why they call it a blow pop? I sure do. And if you come on down to Creepy Carl’s Candy, I’ll fill ya up! I mean in. [whispering] It’ll be our little secret.- A sweet tooth is a terrible thing to waste. Come find a new sugar daddy to butter your fingers at Creepy Carl’s! Come in and grab a sack of Carl’s Boston baked beans while you’re at it. Oops, one fell in my pocket. Free if you can find it! *Ben groaning “oh no”* Every child’s welcome at Creepy Carl’s, big mouths, small mouths, white mouths and brown mouths. We’re equal opportunity! And just cause they shut down the ol’ brick and mortar doe’n’t mean you can’t buy it from my van. Be sure to ask your parents’ permission first, kids. Creepy Carl’s Candy, where the suckers don’t suck themselves. [Police sirens]

Deputy Troy [through megaphone] Carl, turn off your ignition. You are too close to the school zone.

Carl I gotta go! Catch ya later [tires squealing]

Ben [desperate, in bg] The mic!

[sirens fade out]

Sammy … Never again.

Ben I tried to tell you.

Sammy I know. Let’s never speak about this.

Ben [whispering] I need a shower.

Sammy *sigh* …Moving forward, we were just talking about a sighting that happened a few hours ago around the 9 o’clock hour, just off Main Street. It seems quite a few people believe that we may be experiencing a religious phenomenon. Perhaps the second coming of–

Ben [slightly gruff impression] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years!”[4]

Sammy *chuckles* Right, let’s go to the phone lines.

Ben [happily] That was good though right?

Sammy It was good. Good evening, you’re live on King Falls AM.

Reverend Hawthorne Ask and ye shall receive! King Falls-uh. It is the gooD Reverend Xavier “Right. With. Gaawwd-uh” Hawthorne.

Ben Reverend Hawthorne? Are you back in town?

Reverend Hawthorne [speaking over Ben] The One and Only, and we are turnin’ the wagons arounD as we speaK-uh. And we’re headin’ back to my flocK-uh. How’re y’all feelin’ tonighT, King Falls- I said How are you, Feelin’!

Sammy [softly] We’re feeling alright.

Reverend Hawthorne Praise GoD-uh! Hallelujah! Now a little birdie, uh-just chirp’n on my shoulder, told me there was a SighTing. A Vision. Dare I say it, eyeballs were laid on our Lord and Saviour at a burger joint in our fair city.

Sammy Yeah, about 9 o’clock here.

Reverend Hawthorne Could it Be-uh! that our 5-week-revival worked. Could it Be-uh! that our prayers have been brought forth the lamb of God-uh. Can I get an amen!

Ben Reverend Hawthorne we—

Reverend Hawthorne Amen! This miracle-uh, this sight from our God-uh, perched on a Mountain of Sanctity, says that he is ready to lead-uh, his most Highly Favored, Congregation bacK to the promised land. Gimme some organ, Deacon Reggie [organ music begins playing in bg]

Sammy [aside] Do you think Reggie has to wheel that thing around just in case?

Ben This is getting good.

Reverend Hawthorne Play it dirty, brother. We are going Home-uh. Take us back to Calvary, take us BACK-uh! … Samuel, Benjamin may I ask you gentlemen if you have a relationship-uh with the Author of the E-ternal Sal-vation; [organ goes silent] [softly] are ya saved?

Sammy I’m—

Reverend Hawthorne Then let me tell y’all, [organ starts again] because if you aren’t-uh, I’m coming back to town. One weekend only, the Xavier “Right with GoD-uh” Hawthorne Experience will be wheelin’ bacK into King Falls Fairgrounds this very night-uh. We are hoping to get One- On- One with the Risen Christ and start preparin’ for Kingdom Come. But just like old Xavier, you gotta come on down-uh so we can get you TurnT uP With GoD-uh. [click, dial tone]

Sammy Xavier? Hello?

Ben He’s, gone. Sammy.

Sammy Well, you heard it here first folks. Xavier Hawthorn’s Travelling Roadshow is coming back to town. Will Jack in the Box Jesus make his stage debut?

Ben [muttering] Tch- Jesus.

Sammy Literally.

Ben Do you think we could get an interview? Would it be Mr. Christ? Or-

Sammy Something tells me that there is something more to the story than what we’ve heard so far, Ben.

Ben Tsk. I get that, but this is King Falls, Sammy.

Sammy What a perfect place to make a return: a rinky-dink town with no internet.

Ben Line- [muttered] dammit, there’s only one line. Uh, you’re on with Sammy and Ben.

Archie Good evenin’ fellas!

[small dogs barking in bg]

Sammy Is thi-

Archie It’s Archie Simmons!

Ben He-ey Archie, how’s Princess Von Barktooth?

Archie Well, I do have news concernin’ the princess, and I just want to possibly recant some info from our previous call a few weeks back.

Sammy About the werewolves?

Archie Correct.

Sammy Wow. I mean, you sounded pretty convinced that you saw a werewolf.

Archie And now I’m saying that maybe I was misinformed.

Sammy I think you should probably tell Troy and the Sheriff’s Office, Archie.

Archie *giggles* You silly Sally, Troy’s on his way over now

Ben Why the change of heart, Archie?

Archie Well, new information has come to light boys, I mean with the Divine One making his triumphant, and let’s be honest, dramatic return to King Falls.

Sammy You’re talking about the glowing man at the Jack in the Box?

Archie [softly] Let’s be real here, it’s the J-Man, of course a heavenly carpenter would pick King Falls. So many projects to keep busy with.

Sammy [dryly] Uh-huh.

Archie Plus, with the princess and this new information, we have to believe this.

Ben You keep saying that, what’s going on with the princess Archie?

Archie She’s in a delicate condition.

Sammy Oh, of course. I mean she’s been through a lot.

Archie *giggles* No Sammy, I mean she’s with child. Ch-children. Puppies? There’s a bun in my $2400 oven boys!

Sammy Wait. She’s pregnant? From the werewolf attack?!

Archie [softly again] Well, that’s the thing. While I believed in my heart of hearts that the hillbilly beast from the trailer park had gotten to the princess, I think…

Ben What. What do you think Archie?

Archie I mean it was dark, I know it was a full moon but I was scared and recently awakened, sleep in my eyes etc. and so on.

Sammy You don’t think it was the werewolves.

Archie I’m thinking with this new evidence and the fact that I saw a long-haired, bearded man in a Biblical Act— Yeah I-I- I think- there’s a chance it could have been [whispering] the man upstairs.

Ben [stern] Upstairs from whom?

Archie Mankind! Come on Ben, get with the picture!

Sammy He’s saying that because there’s been a holy sighting tonight- which we should all be a little bit doubtful of- then maybe it wasn’t the werewolves, but the Alpha and the Omega.

Ben No! NO WA- That’s too much, Archie. You saw the werewolf. He looked you in the eye and howled at the moon.

Archie I don’t know what kind of weird things Jesus is into.

Ben No way. This is ludicrous.

Archie You just wait and see Ben! The princess may have lost her Westminster dreams, but it was all part of God’s plan.

Ben We’ve got to go Archie *laughs* you’re crossing a line that we cannot cross at King Falls AM.

Archie Judge Not, lest ye be judged boys. Kardashians[sic] 3:16 or a Psalm or something. I think Troy’s coming around the bend anyways boys, laters!

[click, dial tone]

Sammy You know? When I walk in the door every night I say to myself, “Nothing’s gonna surprise me tonight” And more times than not, I am just Dead Wrong.

Ben Let’s give the phone a rest for a moment, Sammy, the record player is just begging to be used.

Sammy *chuckles* Not a bad idea Ben.

[phone pings]

Ben What? *gasps* My phone! [several pings] OHH it’s back baby!

Sammy Me too! What’s going on?

[pinging continues]

Ben What’s up! Oh my God, I could literally kiss the apparition of Steve Jobs.

Sammy Hey, I’ve got a text here, Unknown Number.

Ben Okay, what does it say?

Sammy “I- I know why this happened. I know how to stop it. We need to talk“

Ben What?

Sammy No, that’s what the text said.

Ben You don’t think this has anything to do with… Thank You, Jesus.

[KFAM outro]

[CREDITS]

References:

[1] Pogs - Pogs, generically called milk caps, is a game that was popular among children during the early-mid 1990s. The name pog originates from POG, a brand of juice made from passionfruit, orange, and guava; the use of POG bottle caps to play the game preceded the game's commercialization.

[2] “It’s tearin’ up my heart when I’m with you” - Lyrics to the song “Tearin’ Up My Heart” by NSYNC, an American boy band from the mid-90s

[3] Jack in the Box - American fast food chain, primarily along the west coast and southern states.

[4] “Don’t call it a comeback, I’ve been here for years” - lyrics to the song “Mama Said Don’t Knock You Out” by LL COOL J (also came out in the 90s)

[mirkwoodshewolf]

Time travel rescue pt.2; 11th Doctor x teen reader ft. Queen

*Author’s note*

Okay ya’ll so I hope you enjoyed the first part, now we get to pt.2 where Freddie and Roger take up majority of this chapter, so you get to see the craziness that I hoped I managed to get in based off of stories of their friendship and videos of them together so I hope I did this wonderful soulmate shipping justice. However fair warning that P**l Pr**ter makes his appearance so prepare your stomachs.

Taglist:

@psychosupernatural

@plethora-of-things

@ixchel-9275

@waddles03

@platawnic

@bensrhapsody

@queendeakyy

@kairosfreddie​

@geek-and-proud​

____________________________________________________

The next morning I woke up and found myself in a hotel room of sorts.  At first I didn’t know what happened, it was all such a rush last night I—I had this dream that I had gone back to 1975 and actually met my favorite band, and that Roger actually allowed me to sleep in his room.

“Morning (y/n).” I heard that familiar soft voice call out from the kitchen.  Oh god it wasn’t a dream. I am actually in 1975 and I really did—or well currently meeting the band and Roger did give me his room for the night.  I looked up and said.

“Morning Roger.”

“How’d you sleep last night? The clothes work okay for you?” he asked.

“Yeah they—they worked out fine.”

“You hungry? I’m making eggs and cutting up some bread and bacon, I hope that’s alright.”

“That’s fine. I’m—actually quite hungry.”

“Well come on over to the kitchen and I’ll put an extra plate.” I got out of the bed and followed him to the kitchen.  I sat down at the kitchen island bar and he said again, “I don’t know how you like your eggs, so I made them scrambled which is what I prefer. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Well then you’re lucky that scrambled eggs is my favorite. Besides sunny side up makes me yack.”

“I know right, why do people claim that’s the best way to make eggs?” he exclaimed.  Wow so Roger Taylor and I have the same view on how eggs should be prepared, that’s amazing.  He handed me my plate and he asked. “Shall I prepare a cuppa?”

“I wouldn’t mind a cuppa.”

“Coming right up.” He then prepared me my drink while he had some coffee.  As the two of us sat down around the island and ate he asked me. “How are the wounds?”

“Doesn’t hurt as much as it did last night. You and your friends really know how to be doctors.”

“Well even though Brian and I would’ve been different doctors, I don’t think we did too bad. But I will need to change out the bandages and put some more antiseptic cream on it. Just to be on the safe side.”

“Whatever you think is best Roger.”

After breakfast, he put away the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen and that’s when he grabbed the first aid kit under the sink and guided me over to the couch.

“Alright, let’s see how this looks.” He then took a pair of scissors and slightly snipped an area of the bandage before slowly unwrapping it allowing my arm to breathe.  Once the bandages were off, I could see the gnarly scars that I now bore on my arm. Long and thin but thankfully not so deep that I need stitches. “Well it seems to be closing up quite nicely. With how bad they were yesterday, I was beginning to think they wouldn’t. At least not in this speed.”

“Guess I just got enhanced healing powers or something.” I joked. He smiled and rubbed some more cream on my scars before taking another roll of bandages and wrapping it around my arm.  Just as he was about to finish, the door suddenly opened and there stood Freddie all dolled up and ready to head out.

“Let’s go my darlings it’s shopping time!”

“In a second Fred, I’m still wrapping up her arm.” Roger told him as he went back to wrapping my forearm delicately. Freddie came over and sat on the other side of me and he asked me.

“Did you sleep okay dear?”

“Yeah, like a baby actually.”

“Good. That’s just what you needed after what happened to you. But are you sure you don’t want to make a police report about this?” he said as he stroked his fingers through my hair.  Aww Freddie god bless you, why were you taken away from us so soon? We really could’ve used you in today’s society.

“I’m sure Fred. Besides I doubt they’d believe me. I didn’t even see their faces. They wore black masks over their faces so I couldn’t even see their faces.”

“Alright darling. Well once blondie’s done here, I know just the thing to help boost your spirits up. A nice, well deserved shopping day.”

“There, I’m done.”

“Marvelous my darlings, let’s go!” Freddie stood up gracefully and raised his hands over his head and clapped them once.

“Hold on you rotter, we still need to get dressed. I’d rather not go out in my pajamas in the bloody cold.” Roger guided me towards the bedroom once more and I said to him.

“Uhh Rog. What am I gonna wear?”

“Just relax love, I’m sure I got something.” He went through his closet and pulled out a pair of denim jeans as well as a queen hoodie that looked like he had taken from Deacy.  He also took out a fur coat and said. “Will this do?”

“Yeah. Again I really appreciate you sharing your clothes with me.”

“Like I said last night, it’s no trouble. When Queen was first starting off, we barely had enough money to buy new clothes so we pretty much shared clothes with each other. I think we each had a chance at wearing one shirt for different photoshoots on separate occasions.”

“Wow I—I never knew that.” Liar. Of course I knew that, I’ve seen the pictures of the guys wearing the same shirts on tumblr that someone posted.  Once again I got changed in the loo and once I got out, Roger went inside and proceeded to do his health and beauty stuff.

While he brushed his teeth and brushing through his long blonde hair, I couldn’t help but stare at him.  Now I’ll admit, I did fall for the handsome 1970’s Roger Taylor (in fact 70’s and 80’s Roger I had a crush on) but then my crush slowly faded away and turned to something else, it’s like I—kinda pictured a sorta brother-sister relationship.

“Could you take any longer getting ready Rog? I swear you take longer than me!” Freddie complained as he leaned up against the bedroom door.

“It’s called a miracle Fred. And envy is an ugly thing on you.” Roger teased to which Freddie flipped him the bird.  God they really were soulmates, I can’t imagine just how hurt Roger was finding out Fred died when he was just about to see him in a matter of minutes.

“Are we ready to go yet?” Freddie whined as Roger fluffed his hair out and shook his wild mess of hair like a lion shaking his mane and said.

“Alright you impatient bugger. Let’s go (y/n).” I was then put in between them and we left Roger’s room.

As we drove through downtown London, we soon came across a shop that closed down before my time but it was starting grounds for both Roger and Freddie, Kensington Market.

“Hope you don’t mind coming here love. We would take you to Biba but that’s all the way on East London and we’re scheduled for a rehearsal by noon.” Roger said.

“I don’t mind. I’ve—heard some good things about this place.”

“You know Rog and I once had a stall in this joint together before I officially joined the band.”

“Really? What did you guys sell?”

“Oh any old clothes that we could find. Though I’ll never forget that jacket you and Brian tried to sell. That was my favorite jacket.”

“Well then you shouldn’t have had it on the rack then, should you?” Roger mocked as he shut the engine off after finding a parking space. “Plus it’ll be cheap and not as crowded as the stores are right now. Last minute Christmas shoppers and all.”

“Agreed.” We all got out and quickly walked inside the market.  And inside I saw anything and everything.  From antiques, to bridal wear, clothes, furniture, everything small and large you could imagine. “Whoa.”

“I know it’s a little intimidating at first but no worries lovie, you’ll get used to it.” Roger said as he wrapped an arm around me.

“Alright my darlings, let’s head down memory lane. To the clothing stall!” Freddie then dragged us down the store almost towards the end of the building where a clothing stall was all set up.  Behind the counter there was a young black woman with an afro, she wore a Christmas sweater and jeans and was sucking on a lollipop.  “Well I’ll be damned. Billie. Billie Tyler?” she looked up and grinned.

“Oh shit no. Freddie Mercury and Roger Taylor! Never did I think I’d see you two bastards here again.” She grinned.

“So you’re working our stall now?” Roger asked.

“Yeah. Ever since you two boys got all rich and famous, I went ahead and took over the stall.”

“Well hate to burst your bubble but we’re still not rich and famous.” Said Roger.

“What? After all the big success you guys did at the Rainbow last year?”

“That’s the thing. We don’t get paid on our tours. In fact just recently we left our first company because they screwed up our payments. Our manager didn’t even want to give any money so that Deacy could marry Veronica.”

“What?! Those stuck up bastards! I hope Deacy got the wedding he deserved though.”

“It was a small court ceremony but it was still sweet. Although had we had the money, I would’ve planned the perfect wedding for them.” Said Freddie.

“Oh please Fred, you’d invite half of London along with all crazy people you invite to the after parties.” Said Roger.

“So who’s this? Little groupie?” she asked gesturing towards me.

“No. This is (y/n).” Roger said introducing me. “(Y/n), this is Billie Tyler. When Fred and I worked here, she worked at the boutique just across from us. We’d hang out and have lunch on our breaks, she was basically our first fan.”

“Nice to meet you Billie.” I said reaching out a hand to her.  She shook my hand immediately and she said.

“Nice to meet you too (y/n). How’d you come across these two lugs?”

“Poor dear got jumped last night, thankfully Rog was around to help her out.” Said Fred as he placed a hand to my shoulder.

“Oh my god—are you okay?”

“Yeah. Just a really bad scratch along my forearm but nothing too bad.”

“Well I would’ve honestly preferred to run into Bri had I been jumped but I’m glad you had Roger to help you out.” Roger looked at her crossly and she playfully stuck her tongue out at him. “So what brings you three here to Kensington market?”

“Well darling, we were hoping to get (y/n) some clothes. She—kinda came with just one set of clothes and has been sharing Roger’s style since last night. So we’re hoping you might have something that just screams her.”

“I think I might have some stuff. Come with me (y/n) and we can get you out of those boy clothes and into some stylish clothes I have.” She took my uninjured arm and pulled me into the stall and took me towards the changing room she had installed in the back room.

It was then I was given the full 1970’s fashion show.  Both Billie and Freddie practically took me and started treating me like a doll, forcing me to try on clothes, hats, coats, bell bottom jeans, the whole nine yards.

“And I’m telling you it’s flea-bitten Fred. I wouldn’t even dream of someone wearing that!” exclaimed Billie dramatically.

“Oh don’t be so dramatic darling, I think (y/n) would look cute in this.” He said holding up a ragged old fur coat that looked like it hadn’t seen the light of day in years.

“You guys do realize she’s a person. Not a doll, let her speak for herself once in a while.” Roger said.  He turned towards me and mouthed out, ‘I’m so sorry.’ I waved it off.

“Alright then, why don’t we ask (y/n) what she’d like?”

“Yes let’s. (Y/n) darling please tell Billie and that devil mind of hers that you’d want this coat over the decade’s old 60’s coat. This just screams you.”

“Ah, ah, ah! No antagonizing the fashion star here Mercury.” Billie warned him.

“Actually guys, something did catch my eye earlier.” I then hopped off the podium and went over to a large brown jacket that had fur ends on both the sleeves and along where the front part meets with the zipper.  

It had an elegant pattern on it, kinda reminded me of old Norwegian drawings that I once saw back in 1031 when the Doctor and I were helping out against the threat the invading reindeer people (I forgot their real names, plus it was in Norwegian tongue so I just called them the reindeer people).

But anyways, I looked cute and it wouldn’t make me stand out as much.  I picked out a cute sweater, a scarf that almost kinda resembled what the Doctor could’ve worn, and one of the many pairs of bellbottom jeans I was given.

“How’s this?”

“Oh my darling, it’s like looking at a Renaissance painting. You are—phenomenal.” Freddie praised.

“But something’s missing.” Billie said.  She then went over to the hats and picked out dark grey flat cap.  She handed me the hat and I placed it on top of my head. “There. Now you’re an aesthetic.”

And that was that.  I got a few sweaters, a couple of turtlenecks, bell bottomed jeans, some boots similar to what Deacy always wore throughout the 1970’s, and any brown furred or faux fur coat that Billie had.  When everything was rung up, Roger asked.

“Okay how much do we owe you Billie?”

“For you guys it’s on the house.”

“Oh no, no, no darling we’ve got some money to spend now since we left the bastard at Trident and switched to EMI. Now how much?”

“I’m feeling generous today. Plus I hadn’t done a fashion show like that in years. Most customers just demand my stuff and that’s it. So this time it’s on me. But if you want a payment, come by next week after the New Year.” Freddie and Roger looked to each other and that’s when Freddie said.

“Throw in you coming to my New Year’s Eve party and you’ve got a deal darling.”

“It’s a deal Freddie.” They leaned in and kissed each other’s cheeks sealing the deal. “Good luck with the concert guys, I’ll be watching it from home. And it was nice meeting you (y/n).”

“Nice meeting you too Billie, and thank you for the clothes.”

“No problem. Cheers guys. And Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas Billie!” Rog and Fred proclaimed as we walked out of Kensington market.

After that, we headed down to the nearest grocery store for the simple items that I needed like toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, socks, gloves, and Roger passed by some sunglasses and he had me try them on to which I said I looked ridiculous but to him, he thought I looked cute (which I won’t deny made me blush a little).

Once all the shopping was done, we headed back to the hotel and Roger helped me unpack my stuff.  As he was helping me put some of my clothes into his closet he asked me.

“Now (y/n), about that friend of yours. What exactly does he look like?” At that point I thanked god that the Doctor at least appeared human, because if he looked like anything else how do you explain that to your hero?

“Well, he’s got short brown hair, he’s pretty tall and lean. Kinda like Brian but not exactly the same height. Oh and he wears a bowtie.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Yeah he says they’re cool. But hopefully that helps. Oh and he basically wears a suit. All the time.”

“Okay what is he a doctor or something?”

“Something like that.”

“Do you recall where you think he might’ve ran off to?”

“That I—I don’t know. I guess I must’ve been knocked just before he ran. God I—I hope I can find him.”

“Hey, we will. I’ll turn all of London upside down if I have too to help you.” Roger said assuringly as he placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.  I looked up at him and softly smiled.

“Thank you Roger. I—literally don’t know what I would’ve done had I not ran into you.”

“Think nothing of it love. I’m glad we met last night.” He playfully ruffled my hair making me exclaim while he grinned and softly laughed.  It was then there was a knock at the door.

“Roger! Roger open the door now!” Oh no it couldn’t be. But as I saw Roger roll his eyes and make a disgusted face as he hauled himself towards the door.  I peeked over from the bedroom to see him open the door to reveal the man I feared I would come in contact with.

Paul Prenter.

“What do you want Prenter?”

“You were supposed to be at the Odeon theater 2 hours ago! Where the bloody hell have you been?!” God just hearing his Irish accent made me feel so dirty.  The bastard who became a bad influence on Freddie, and the greedy snake who would go on to sell off Freddie’s AIDS story for like 30,000 pounds was now standing right before my eyes.

“Unlike you Prenter, I know how to have fun.”

“Well your fun has costed the band two hours of rehearsal. Reid is livid right now!” It was then he somehow saw me and that’s when he barged in and said. “Is this the reason you’ve delayed the rehearsal? For some teenage hussy!?”

“Excuse me!?”

“You have no right to be in here. In fact I can have you arrested and charged with stalking.” Paul threatened.  That’s when Roger stepped in between him and I.

“You even think about that and I’ll have you thrown out the bloody window faster than you can blink!” he snarled protectively.

“You’ve been saying that for years Roger and yet you’ve never done it. You don’t got the nerve.” Bragged Paul.

“Do I?” it was then I watched as Roger dragged Paul towards the back door of the small balcony and forcefully pinned Paul’s head to the stone railings. “Wanna rethink that statement?”

“Okay! Okay! Okay just let me go!” Paul wept.

“Then get the hell out of my room and don’t even dare think about calling the police. Or else there’ll be a new decoration all along the pavement of the Marriot.” He picked Paul back up and forced him out of the room before slamming the door and locked it tight.

Holy shit! I wish that was shown in the movie. Damn Roger Taylor is a lion.

“I am so sorry about him. Paul can be a right up arsehole. I’ve been trying to convince Fred to fire him but somehow he still keeps him around.”

“It’s okay Rog. I’ve—been called worse than hussy.” It’s true.  When you’re involved with a gang, you are called way worse things, especially if you’re a girl.  I’ve been called the B word mostly, the P word and even the C word, all before I was 15.

“Who has called you that? What did they say?”

“Just some school punks back in primary school. You know how little boys are.”

“Even so, my mum taught me to never be rude to girls. Men who do such things like that aren’t even worth living. Nor should they even deserve to call themselves men.” As Roger said that, I noticed this harsh, distant look in his eyes.

Was he—I mean I remember reading a story of how he was a victim of domestic abuse.  There’ve been some theories that it was probably his dad since he was never really spoke much by Roger.  So—could that really be true?

“Rog? You—okay?” I said after he didn’t speak for what felt like 2 minutes.  He snapped out of his daze and said.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine. Well come on let’s head out and see if we can’t find that friend of yours.”

“Actually. Since I already got you and Fred into more trouble than I’d like, you should go to the rehearsals. I can search for him on my own.”

“Are you sure? I—wouldn’t want you to get hurt again. I have no problem coming with you.”

“Really Rog. It’ll be daylight, more witnesses so I doubt anyone’s gonna jump me. Besides I’ll bet Deacy and Brian are probably pissed at you and Fred for skipping out. Go, rehearse. I’ll meet you guys at around lunch time? Maybe even see you rehearse the concert?”

“I’d like that. And I’m sure Fred would too. If anything happens, here’s the number for the theater as well as my roadie/assistant Crystal.” He took a piece of paper from a notepad and quickly put down a couple of numbers before handing it over to me.

“Thank you.” I said as I took the notepad paper.

“Stay safe love.” And my heart literally stopped when I actually felt Roger kiss my cheek before grabbing his drumsticks and headed out the door.

Oh my god, I can’t believe I just got a kiss on the cheek from my idol.  I’ll admit internally I’m screaming my head off and melting right on the spot.  I placed my hand over the cheek he kissed and I just felt this warm, gooey feeling inside.

“Oh nana would not believe this.” I then got myself ready and headed on out of the hotel and proceeded to walk around the London streets.

As I saw Christmas decorations and lights on almost every corner, I kept muttering to myself.

“Oh Doctor where are you?” I listened carefully for any wheezing and groaning sounds, an eye for a blue police box, or a tall, lean man wearing a purple suit and bowtie.  But after about 2 hours walking along the streets I saw no one, not even the usual suspicious character that usually follows you once you break the time stream.

I sighed heavily and decided to just head over to the Hammersmith Odeon, because I swear if I stay out here any longer, I’m gonna freeze my organs off.  So I headed eastward towards the theater to meet with Roger and the rest of Queen and finally see my favorite band perform right before my eyes.

[hunterguyveriv]

Kacxa Week 2019: Bonus - No Win Scenario

This is something I wanted to submit on the eve (10-06) of Kacxa-Week. Something I different than the serious stories I typically write. I know I haven’t posted for Day 2, 4, and 5 but between work and a writer's block (for day 2) I just haven’t had time to do so. But with a day off tomorrow, I plan to slog my way through the missed prompts.

But enough yacking,  hope you enjoy the piece I typed up for essentially Day-0

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Keep Reading~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Trailer Announcer: They have faced insurmountable odds together...

Flash of Keith helping Galra out of the cockpit. Flash of them fighting together against jellyfish-like spores. Flash of her cocking her weapon at him before leaving.

Trailer Announcer: They crossed paths and even fought one other multiple times...

Flash to her shooting Voltron in the back in a surprise attack. Another flash shows them fighting each other face to face. Flash to Acxa firing a weapon out of a General's hands during the Kral’ Zera. Flash to their fur-ball, where he point-blank blasts her Sincline-Ship before he gets distracted and almost gets shot in the back.

Trailer Announcer: They have fought for each other...

Flash to Acxa and Keith fighting Ezor and Zethrid. Another flash shows you Zethrid holding a weapon to Keith’s head and a scared Acxa.

Trailer Announcer: But now in a universe where Voltron no longer exists…

Flash to the Lions going on auto-pilot and taking off with the dumbfounded Paladins just watching.

Trailer announcer: These two star-crossed love-birds face their most daunting challenge yet…

Both Keith and Acxa arrive at home from an extended mission. The door slowly opens, revealing a trashed house. They slowly walk in, seeing a frightened Kosmo covered Surigulan Pink Jelly sticking to his fur with a pathetic “mommy… daddy… SAVE ME” look on his face. Toys and two different types of Earth cereals were everywhere.

Trailer Announcer: Parenthood…

They walk in further and see their 3-year-old fraternal twins dressed as little Marmora members dueling it out with blade weapons. Both Griffin and Lance are clinging o each other, pure looks of terror on their faces. <picture them cowering with big white anime frightened eyes and screaming mouth>. They obviously lost control of the situation. Nadia hanging upside down by rope-trap anchored to the upstairs railing with an “Oh, don’t mind me. I’ll just hang here.”

They look at Pidge scrubbing, trying to wash something which both Keith and Acxa had hoped better be Kovlarian-juice out while sobbing hysterically. They drop their bags in utter shock as the fire alarm starts blaring its mournful call.

Trailer Announcer: Will these warriors save their comrades and reestablish order in their home…

The twins see Keith and Acxa are home and stop fighting and run over to them.  One throws her blade that flies into the wall between Lance and Griffin, making them shriek in terror. Pidge is seen grabbing a flame thrower frantically saying, "if it can't be clean, cleanse it with fire" before laughing maniacally.

Trailer Announcer: Or will even they fall to the next generation. Stay tuned for the premiere of Season 11 of Voltron: Legendary Defender. Coming to you this Spring!

In the background, you hear Acxa yelling for Keith that she needs assistance with their son. You also hear Keith sternly saying, "No! Don't pour that on the wolf" or " No Swordplay inside!"

Nadia appears briefly, still hanging upside down from the railing. The head tops of an exhausted Keith and Acxa could be seen lounging on their love seat. Falling fast asleep, unable to hear Nadia say, "Um... a little help, please... Someone."

[e1e4n0r5]

A drop of tea to spill, just cos I need to put this into words

Seasons greetings, everyone. Even though I know I'm a bit late. For anyone who may be wondering why there was nothing on my blog to do with the holidays, or wondering why I haven't posted any original content in a good, long while, it's because 2019 has been a very shit year for me.

About this time last year (Nov 2018, to be precise) I started getting a lot of heartburn, acid, and indigestion, all coupled with the wonderful feeling in the top of my stomach and back of my throat that I constantly needed to yack. All the time. All day. Every day. With no relief.

So I go to the doctor and he diagnoses me with GORD, the fancy medical term for persistent acid reflux. He prescribes me some pills to help reduce my acid, and they do actually work...for a while.

Cut to Feb 2019 and I go back to the doctor (A totally different doctor sees me because that's just how my doctors surgery works) to discuss my prescription, because those pills I got in Nov are starting to give me side effects. Great. I talk with this 2nd doctor, who was lovely but seems quite perturbed that no investigation has been done into the cause of my reflux. After all, I am an otherwise perfectly healthy 26 (25 at the time) year old woman - why was I getting reflux out of nowhere???

He refers me for a breath test, which come back negative (Oh poop, that would have solved all my problems if it had been positive but hey-ho) Meanwhile I'm still taking these pills which are controlling the extra acid in my stomach but are still rocking my body with side effects. (TMI: nausea; diarrhoea; stomach pain, that is "pain of my stomach organ", like my stomach itself had been punched from the inside)

Please let it be known, up until about mid-May, despite these side effects, I was doing ok. Pretty good, I would say. Yes, there were days when I wasn't great. But overall, not too bad.

Then it gets to June, around my birthday. The side effects are getting worse and I'm starting to feel pretty shitty. No pun intended 😑 My parents go away for a week holiday and when they come back, I had apparently declined so much during those 7 days that they discussed it at length that night after I'd gone to bed. I was visibly worse, visibly sicker than I had been before they'd left, a mere 7 days ago. I was un-blissfully aware that my condition was indeed getting worse, seemingly by the day.

Never the less, I carried on as best I could.

This leads me to one night in June when I almost collapsed during a fitness class because I had felt so sick and in pain in my stomach. This episode actually caused my mother to contemplate calling for an ambulance to take me to hospital because I looked and felt so ill.

I have a phone call with another doctor (doctor #3) the next day, explaining my on-going issues with this first pill, the side effects, and my almost-collapse the night before. He prescribes me a different, gentler pill than the one I was on, in hopes that the side effects would not be as drastic. Well, he was correct. I did not have side effects from pill #2...Because pill #2 did not work against the stomach acid and I was crippled in less than 3 days.

Another phone call with a doctor (I honestly don't remember who I spoke to, everything was a blur at that point) and he tells me to go back to my old pills for the time being, but that he would also prescribe another pill, stronger than #2 but not as strong as #1, so it should control the acid but hopefully have less side effects.

(If anyone is still reading, thank you and I love you)

So I go back to pill #1 and with everything going on with this illness and my job, I just forget to collect pill #3.

About a week goes by, I'm still sick, I still have acid, the side effects have kicked in again now that I was back on pill #1, and I almost collapse for a second time at the same fitness class.

At that point, enough was enough. I had had it with this stupid acid and the stupid pills and the doctors not helping me feel better, so I booked an appointment with a private specialist, but that appointment was still 3 weeks away.

I go to work the next morning (the day after my second episode) and people can tell I'm not myself. My mum happens to call me just as I was putting my bags down at my desk, to check in on me, see how I was feeling that morning after what happened the night before. And I break down.

I have to find a private room because I am so upset, so distressed, and still feeling so ill. I am in tears on the phone with my mother, and we decide together that I had to go home, I was not fit to work, and I had to see a doctor that morning. Not just have a phone call, but actually see and speak to a doctor so that they could actually look at me and see how ill I was for themselves.

I manage to stop crying, get myself together a little, and pull my supervisor out of a meeting to tell her that I needed to go home. When she saw me with tears drying on my cheeks, she knew something was seriously wrong. As a rule, I don't cry when I'm upset. My colleagues had never seen me cry before, or even get slightly upset, so when I started crying again while speaking to this supervisor, the whole team knew how bad I had gotten. I manage to stutter out that I wasn't well and needed to go home and needed to see a doctor, and I headed home.

When I got home, my mother was on the phone was the doctors surgery, telling them that I needed an urgent appointment and that if they couldn't fit me in, we would be going to hospital because I could not wait for a regular appointment and I needed to be seen by a doctor that day.

They give me an appointment for that morning and my mother comes with me, to make sure that the doctor takes me seriously and doesn't just give me some new pill and tell me everything would be fine.

Because I felt like I was dying. I knew there was something wrong inside me, something was wrong with my body, and I felt like it was going to kill me if we didn't catch it. Whatever this was would be listed as Cause of Death on the certificate if I didn't get help. I didn't know what it was or how it would be treated, but I felt like I was dying, and I had felt that way for a while.

We go to the doctors and we're seen by a lovely female doctor who was very kind and sympathetic, and agreed that something had to be done urgently to help me. The first thing she did was sign me off work for 2 weeks, so I could rest and recuperate a little, take away the stress of work so that my body could get out of the fight-or-flight mode it had been in for the past several weeks.

The second thing was to refer me for an urgent procedure which would examine my stomach internally and see if there was anything physically wrong with it. I collected pill #3 from the pharmacy while we were there, which I started the next day.

One week later, I have the test at hospital, and finally we were given an answer. 7 months after that first appointment, 3 medications, half a dozen urgent phone calls, and being signed off work, finally led to an answer.

Hiatal hernia, 3cm.

A hiatal hernia happens when a portion of your stomach slips through the opening in your diaphragm muscle where your oesophagus joins with your stomach and that portion of your stomach ends up lodged in your chest cavity.

Fun.

This isn't a life-threatening condition, it's not even treated as a serious one. It's incredibly common, and research says that approximately 50% of patients with hiatal hernias don't even experience any symptoms.

Lucky bastards. Mine had me convinced I was dying.

Having that answer, that diagnosis did help. I wasn't dying. This was not serious, I would be ok.

Next came the question of what to do with this diagnosis. Several people I know have had their hernias for years and manage perfectly fine with no issues, complaints, or the need for medication.

So I could either learn how to manage it with the right medication, or seek surgery.

I went back to the doctor a few weeks later to discuss these options, and myself and the same lovely doctor who saw me That Day agreed that I would give it a few months and see how I fared on this new pill, pill #3 that I had been taking for about 3 or 4 weeks at that point.

Pill #3 did work better than #2, but alas had the same side effects as pill #1, admittedly to a lesser degree.

I gave pill #3 about 3 months, before I requested a new prescription, as it was now only, say, 90% effective against the acid and was still giving me side effects.

In comes pill #4. The doctor (not the lovely female doctor, a different doctor on the phone) explains that #4 is slightly stronger than #3 so should be more effective against the acid.

Nope.

Pill #4 did not help with my acid at all and came with even more side effects that #3. All cons, no pros.

Back to #3 only about 10 days later.

I go back to pill #3 for a while and just try to manage the side effects as best I can.

But about a month ago (mid-Nov 2019) pill #3 seems to just...stop working?? Out of nowhere?? I woke up one morning with stomach acid, and it wouldn't go away. I didn't think much of it, after all some days were worse than others. I just assumed I was having a bad day. But the next day, I had that acid feeling as well. And the next day. And the next. Before I knew it, it had been an entire week of that bad acid feeling, even though I was still taking pill #3 at the same dose I had been for several months. Nothing had changed, yet the pill wasn't working anymore.

Another phone call, another pill. Pill #5, which is where we are now. I've been on #5 for around 2 weeks, and I still don't feel great.

I have a specialist consultation booked for January, and I will be officially seeking corrective surgery.

Thank you for sticking with me while I try and sort my shit out.

TLDR: had a very shit year so haven't been creative or in the holiday spirit

[wonderlandmind4]

Delicate Stages: Chp 2

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x OFC Ana Rios

Summary: Bucky Barnes agrees to participate in Deprogramming Sessions. What he gets is not anything like he expected.

Bucky is seriously considering going back on his decision, and his feet shift towards the exit of their own accord. The thing is, as easy as it would be to just leave, to slip into the shadows, he does not want to run anymore. He is tired of it.

Warnings for this Chapter: Language, Slight anxiety, slight self doubt, an over use of coffee consumption.

Words: 2,959

A/N: I feel like this is just jumping in there. Mainly because I can not write opening chps for shiz. Feel free to ask questions if confused. Also, my “keep reading” function keeps messing up words, idk why. (tagged) @justreadingfics @nerdyandproud9​ (gif not mine)

Another round of coffee has been poured into Ana's cup. Bucky has a feeling she only went for a refill to give him some time to adjust after their greeting. He appreciates it, but finds that he doesn't really need it. He hasn't felt like he's a flight risk around her yet, so he doesn't mind not adjusting. He still appreciates it though.

"So," Ana begins, after she's sat down again. She uses the thick heel of her boot to rock herself back and forth in the chair. "Eventually, I would like us to be honest with one another, otherwise this won't work very well."

Bucky agrees. "Makes sense."

“We'll just talk today. It can be about anything. If you’re curious about anything, the weather, me. I'm all ears, James.”

Other people have called him by his first name, or last, or even Sergeant, and he always corrects them. This time, that name just doesn't sound right coming from her mouth.

“Bucky. Please call me Bucky," He insists, giving her a tentative smile.

"Okay. So, Bucky, any questions?"

"Are you a shrink?” The question blurts from his lips before he can stop it.

Ana snorts again, falling forward in her chair. “God no. That would be way too much for me. Not saying that psychologists are bad, that just wasn’t my route.”

“What is? What exactly do you do here?”

“I’m…I don’t really have a title to be honest.”

“You seem to have a high level of authority here.”

“Thanks to Steve,” Ana admits with a nonchalant shrug.

"What?"

“Well, you obviously know why he brought you here. Not just for Deprogramming, but for all the other stuff that comes with it. Mentally, for one. Emotionally, physically. He’s talked to you about this right?”

They talked about it on the car ride up. That the possibility of a full body deprogramming is high, that much Bucky tells her. He didn't expect the process to go easy; one, two, three, out the door. It's going to take time and mental, emotional, and physical endurance. It's been seventy years in and out of brainwashing and that damn ice chamber.

“There are going to be side effects," She continues lightly, "probably some long days, some sleepless night. It’ll take a toll on you in every aspect, I’m here to help you through it all. Steve cares for you, and I care for people. I guess they call me, unofficially, a Psychological Healer. I'm a non-combated agent. I typically just work within the Healing Ward helping with psychological and sociological elements."

A hard swallow. A flare in his heart rate. “A Healer? Orders from Steve?”

“Not orders, and I am going to make this very clear, Bucky. You are not, and will never be my orders. You are not an assignment, a project, or a mission.”

Bucky locks his eyes with hers, and he counts the golden specks laced within the rich brown irises; nine. He doesn’t know why, but his heart is pounding a little harder, but not from anxiety. It feels different, warm, comforting…accepted. It feels human.

“Understood?” Ana prompts firmly.

“Yes,” He breathes out.

Ana smiles at him. “I’m here to help you. No orders. Steve just thought I was the best choice. I want to help you, so I am going to help you.”

Bucky oddly finds himself wanting to believe her. Hears the open sincerity in her voice. The way she has been looking into his eyes since they met with no fear. She is looking at him like he is a human being, not a weapon for another cause.

“We can stop if you want,” Ana offers, leaning back in her seat again. “Sometimes I overwhelm people, too much too soon. Headstrong, runs in the family.”

“In a good way,” Bucky replies, suddenly having the need to reassure her.

Ana gives him a strange look. “Thanks?”

"So, not a doctor?"

"Nah, I'm just very...empathetic," She answers with a touch of mirth in her smooth voice. “Though I do have a degree in Psychology and Sociology.”

Bucky lifts his mug to his lips and says, "So he put you in charge of me?"

"If you're into that sort of thing."

The coffee Bucky just took a sip of nearly goes down his airway. He coughs once against the ceramic, blinks rapidly so his eyes don't water and stares at the woman sitting across from him. She has her face turned to the side, lips to the rim of her cup, but her eyes are wide. There's a slight tint of a blush on her cheeks, but other than that, she remains perfectly calm. Something is rising in him, from his stomach and making it's way up his chest. 

Bucky laughs.

"Sorry! It just slipped out," Ana groans, wiping her bottom lip with her thumb.

Bucky will take this quick witted, sharp tongued, nonjudgmental...beautiful girl over anyone else who may had wanted her position. A small surge of hope shoots through him again. This is nothing like how he thought today would go.

"Want to see your room?"

***

When Ana first entered the lab, with Agent Sharp yacking in her ear condescendingly, she had no idea how the day would go. She saw Bucky Barnes sitting patiently, if rather skittish, on her desk. She had no idea if it was due to his first day, or the guards on the second level watching him with subtle, sharp vicious eyes. She saw them idling about, but Ana knew how focused they truly were. Of course no one in the room was going to just let the Winter Soldier sit unguarded. It churned her stomach the wrong way.

She just hopes she didn't come off too strong. Though she figured jumping in with her quirky way of doing things was better than walking on eggshells. Captain Rogers told her to do exactly that, so she did, and if Steve gave her permission, then who was she to refuse. She could've held back on the coffee bit though. No one seems nearly as excitable about coffee as she does.

As Ana leads Bucky to his room, she feels a light buzz in her blood, prickles softly at her skin. She tampers it down, locks the sensation away for another time. She has been a little worried since meeting him, if only because she doesn't want Bucky believing she has ulterior motives. She doesn't, she really hopes she can convey that. Sooner rather than later, but the nervousness makes her own energy and emotions act up. She does what she does best, and pushes them aside for the moment.

Ana reaches their destination, opening the door. Bucky glances around the spacious room, with two windows that face the woods and an en-suite. The bed frame, with its black headboard, dawns a queen-sized mattress raised off the dark hardwood flooring, with four pillows and a dark blue comforter. There’s a single dresser pressed against the opposite wall, a desk opposite and a closest adjacent to that. The electronics on the wall look advanced, sleek, standing out against the light gray walls.

“This is for me?” Bucky inquires quietly, bypassing her and stepping in further.

“Yes. It’s not much, since people are greedy and took the rooms closer to the kitchen. I hope it’s okay,” Ana notices the way his eyes flit around the room, expression calm yet calculating. 

He’s looking for exits.

“There’s also a way to escape via the bathroom window in the shower,” She tells him casually. 

He turns to give her a quizzical look. 

“It’s wide enough to lift yourself up and push it out. I just hope that won’t be necessary. This room is yours for as long as you want it to be. I know it must be hard to settle here, to believe that nothing and no one is after you. But I hope this place can be a safe haven for you one day.”

“Are you sure you can’t read minds?” He quips, quirking an eyebrow.

“I’m just very perceptive. Comes with what I do,” Ana shrugs.

Bucky hums understanding. His face twitches for a moment, like he’s self-conscious about something. ”I don’t have many possessions."

"I think Steve said he'll help with that," She points to the closet. "By the way, that backpack of yours is in there."

There's a split second of a break in Bucky's expression, relief flooding his blue eyes. He goes to open the closet door, finding his backpack suspended on a hanger. Ana is content to watch him as he unzips the bag, and rummages through it. Whatever he had in there is important and holds meaning to him. 

She watches the muscles of his back shift, the tension in his shoulders from earlier have subsided a little. Ana's phone buzzes in her back pocket. She pulls it out, checking the message she received.

She clears her throat. "I have to go now." 

Bucky looks over his shoulder at her, as if he forgotten she was there. 

"You're welcomed to explore the area or stay here, or nap,” She suggests. “Whichever. We usually have dinner around, well, depends on who is cooking. Six-thirty or seven. I'll see you then?"

Bucky blinks, his arm still in the bag. "Thank you,” He sounds sincere, if a little shy.

Ana flashes her friendliest smile. Her goal for the moment is to make him feel as welcomed as she can. She gives a little wave, backs up and bumps into something. She glares at the object.

"That's a door," She states obviously. "Right. See you later." She ignores the amused smirk Bucky gives her, and leaves, quietly shutting the door behind her.

While she's walking down the hall, she looks at her phone again. Steve has requested a briefing with her regarding the Deprogramming Sessions. She makes her way out to the living compound, heading down the walkway that will lead to the facility. 

As first time meetings go, that one with Bucky went pretty well. Minus her irritation at Agent Sharp. She hopes Bucky over looks that, and that the energy within that moment remained calm, positive. For him.

She ends up having a long phone conversation with Pepper after the meeting. To which her cousin informed her that Tony kept certain information from her about who was leading the Deprogramming Sessions. Ana reassures Pepper that she is fully capable of handling it. It doesn't stop the apprehension in her chest though, the dark cloud of her past looming in the confides of her mind.

They had fallen silent after that, and Ana senses that Pepper knows she isn't 100% sure about it either. Not yet at least. It's just, the last time she even considered toying with the idea that she could help someone, it didn't end well. Pepper insists it isn't her fault, but Ana will forever blame herself.

Before they hung up, Pepper wished her all the luck and made her promise to visit soon. Ana is left with a bittersweet notion of that promise. She doesn't think she will be able to leave for a while, and she misses her cousin. She's the only close family member she has, being Ana's father's niece. Distant family members are scattered across the country and Puerto Rico but they don’t speak to each other often. 

Ana sits up from the lounge chair on the rooftop, overlooking the lush trees. The wind is a little heavy today, but it feels nice. It's not bitterly cold like it was a month ago. It says Spring is around the corner, and soon the temperatures will being to warm again. She sits there just enjoying the view and the sounds of nature for a while longer. When her phone tings with a text informing her that dinner is ready, Ana gets up.

She walks over to the trap door across from the main roof entrance, pulling it open. Carefully, she makes her way down the small latter, and hops down the last step into her room through the window. She was very excited she got a room with roof access. Gives her an escape when emotions, energy and people get too much. She plugs her phone in, and exists her room

Being that her room is the last one down the long hallway, Ana passes three more bedrooms. They're all spread out far enough that it makes for good privacy. She passes Wanda's room, then Sam's because he wanted the middle one with the giant window, the diva. The last room she passes before the hall turns left towards the lounge area, is the newly occupied one.

The door to Bucky's new room is closed, and she debates if she should knock or not. Ana can smell the food from where she's standing, which means he can certainly smell it too. Maybe he chose to get settled rather than meet a rather boisterous group of people. Who he has probably fought with before...right. It makes sense.

Ana continues walking, makes it to the end of the hall, then turns back. She's going to invite him anyway because she wants him to feel welcomed. This is his home now, he shouldn't feel ostracized.

"I already told him," Steve says from behind her. Ana turns again. "Said he just wants an early night in."

“Alright,” Ana sighs in understanding. She walks up to Steve, hooking her arm with his. "Did Sam make lasagna?"

"Yeah," Steve chuckles as they walk into the lounge. "Opened that new bottle of red too."

"Goddammit, Wilson!" That’s her bottle of red wine.

A heartily laugh echos around the room.

*

Nearly two hours passed after dinner, Ana and Wanda cleaning up the last of the dishes. There's a plate set aside with two pieces of lasagna, some salad and garlic bread. The bread and lasagna are still warm from sitting in the food warmer, Ana having added the salad after she took it out. Her eyes drift over to the hallway, digging her teeth into her bottom lip.

"Just go give it to him already," Wanda speaks up, nudging her elbow. "I'm sure he'll appreciate it."

"What if he's sleeping?" Ana glances at the clock. It's only a quarter past eight.

"If he doesn't answer, then just leave it in the fridge. He'll find it."

"I just want him to feel accepted."

"Let him feel accepted by you first, that's the important thing, yes? Plus, his energy feels off. Being around us tonight would've made him more nervous."

"You feel that too?"

Wanda levels her with an unimpressed look. "You feel it tenfold, Ana. Don't pretend."

"I'm trying to tamper it down. He doesn't know about it yet."

"Not something you talk about upon a first greeting?" She teases.

Ana rolls her eyes. "Right. Because going, ”Hey, I'm an Energy Alchemist and Empathetic Healer which means I can feel every single one of your emotions and feelings without your permission”, would be a great way to start that off. Good trust building tacit right there."

Wanda's fingers glow for a moment and a crumpled napkin hits Ana in the face. "Don't be a smart ass. You don't do it without people's permission. Give yourself some credit. Just go bring him food."

Ana throws the napkin back at her, but her friend just sends it to the trash. Wanda is right though. Ana is stalling and she doesn't really know why. Maybe it feels a little like invading his privacy on the first night by knocking on his door. Something is hovering from the corner of her eye, Ana glares.

"Fine! I'll bring him dinner." She grabs the floating, red glowing plate from mid air.

"Finally. You've wanted to all night. I'll finish up here." Wanda offers.

Ana smiles at her. She grabs a clean napkin, a knife and fork as well, and heads towards the hallway. She can see that Sam's door is closed, but the soft music emitting from it says he is still up. Everyone else seemed to beg off early as well, and that makes for a nice quiet night.

Once she reaches the door to Bucky's room, she takes in a short breath. She exhales, gently tapping her knuckles against the wood. He doesn't answer. Ana listens for a few moments, hears nothing but silence. She tries once more, knocking a little harder. If he doesn't answer, then she'll just put the food away. 

Nothing. Ana turns, taking a few steps down the hall when she hears the door click open. She whirls back around, smiling at Bucky's head poking out from the small gap.

"I brought you dinner, in case you were hungry," She informs, closing the space between them to hand him the plate.

Bucky opens the door wider, he's wearing soft gray sweatpants and a black tee shirt. With a tentative smile, he accepts the plate. His hair is pushed back behind his ears, and he looks sleepy. Like he really was going to bed early.

"I didn't wake you, did I?" Ana questions. She'd feel bad.

"Nah, I was just..." Bucky trails off, like he doesn’t know he should say the next words. "Writing."

Ana doesn't press. "Alright, well, enjoy."

"Thank you."

"Sam made it, so thank him if it's good."

"I meant for today," Bucky clarifies. "Just...thank you."

She doesn't know exactly what he's thanking her for, but she smiles anyway. "Of course. See you tomorrow?"

"Seven?"

"Who the hell is up at seven in the morning?" Ana scoffs, offended. "Why would anyone willing get up that early?"

Bucky chuckles. "Not a morning person?"

"Not even a little. Nine. Nine o'clock."

"Nine it is then."

Ana huffs, muttering. "That's still too early."

"Goodnight, Ana."

"Goodnight," She grins at him.

Turning on her foot, she heads towards her room. Ana hears the door close quietly behind her. Despite her nerves of the entire day, she doesn't think it could have gone better.

*****************************************************

Previous   Next

[thecrazyanimegirl]

Just another fanfiction

I don’t know what happened in this chapter, but it had to happen!

{ Chapter 1 }  { Chapter 2 } { Chapter 3 } { Chapter 5 }

Enjoy!

___________________________________________________________

Chapter 4

I raise the bottle. “Who wants some alcohol?”

“…”

What? I thought people would have some reaction to that, even though I’m just buying time.

“Hands up!” One of them makes a fast movement with the gun. It seems they don’t like me.

“Yek!”, I pretend to get scared and throw the bottle in the air.

The bottle spins one time in the air then falls in front of them.

They look pretty confused. Can’t blame them, but I have to concentrate now.

“What is that smell?”, one of them makes a terrible grimace.

Chloroform, but not that I will tell you that.

I read somewhere that sodium hypochlorite with acetone could make chloroform. It was a gamble mostly because I couldn’t trust that information. I needed a lot of it to make the odds better. It was good that I had gylicerol. It was easy to make it in acetone with my ability. But the most important thing I figured is that my ability works better with things that have strong scent. Makes sense. After all, that is what I asked for.

“You are right something is o-f-…”, they both fall down, unconscious.

“It seems they already had enough alcohol”, I comment.

“What did you do?”

“I asked if they wanted some alcohol?”

“Really now…” Well it is not like I ever thought I can hide something from you, Dazai. “Then let’s continue.”

“But…”

“What?”

“What about them?”

“What about them?”

I sigh. I don’t think that I have enough energy to deal with him.

“I lost my bottle because of them”, I make sad puppy eyes.

For I second I see a surprise in his eyes. It is quickly gone.

“I’ll get you a new one”, he turns around and starts to walk.

“But I liked this bottle”, I pout.

He doesn’t say anything, just keeps walking.

Not after long we reach a bar. The bar. Lupin ,huh? I kind of feel my heart ache.

“We are here~”, Dazai sings to his friends.

“We?” Oda asks in concern.

Odasaku… I think I’m gonna cry.

“She looks like she is gonna cry”, Ango comments lazily.

“Well I am sorry, but I am certainly not going to be happy about being rejected then kidnaped and then almost dying and then being dragged to the bar and then…” I’m getting to emotional.

“Oh, come on, it wasn’t like anyone would have killed you”, Dazai says nonchalantly.

“Easy for you to say”, I say darkly and sit on the chair between Oda and Dazai.

“Why is that?”

I look at him like he is full of it (which he is).

“Then I can leave and pretend like I have never seen you?”

“Of course not.”

“You two seem to get along well”, Ango comments.

“Not at all”, I say.

“Really well”, Dazai says.

“Who rejected you?” Oda asks.

“That is what you want to know?” I look at him in shock.

“It is the weirdest part, honestly”, he shrugs.

Wow.

“At least introduce yourself people, before asking that”, I drink something bartender puts in front of me.

“Yack.” It is disgusting.

“Not fond of alcohol?” Dazai is smiling.

“Shut up”, I hide my face.

“And it was Chuuya who rejected her.”

They both shake their heads like it is understandable.

“What? I would understand if it was Dazai we are talking about and not Chuuya”, I am confused with their understanding.

They don’t say anything.

“Can you introduce yourself already?” I am too tired for this.

“Oda Sakunosuke.”

“Sakaguchi Ango.”

“Dazai-“

“Yeah, I don’t care”, I dismiss him with my hand.

“That hurts…” He is being overly dramatic.

“So does being kidnaped and dragged around.”

“Nobody kidnaped you.”

I just stare at him.

“This is rare”, Oda comments.

“What is?” I look at him and regret because now I feel like crying again.

“Usually every women is all over him when they first meet”, Ango explains.

“Wonder why”, I say even thou I know. He has that charm. But I will not get sucked by it and then be left crying! I hope.

“You are so mean~”, Dazai throws his arms around me.

“No touching policy!” I jump on reflex. Oh no… I just gave him one more thing to make my life a living hell.

“And why is that?” he smiles darkly.

“You know why”, I take a glass with that disgusting alcohol. I need it.

“Are you finally talking?”

“Wasn’t aware this was interrogation.”

“Yes, you were.”

I turn my head away from him in annoyance just to be met with two confused faces.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” I ask casually.

“No, it is just…”, Oda starts.

“You obviously know who and what Dazai is and yet you are not afraid”, Ango finishes.

Am I that obvious? And I thought I was doing well…

“I am afraid of him. I’m afraid he is going to annoy me for the rest of my life”, I try to sound calm.

Oda laughs and Ango frowns.

“That is not going to happen. I don’t have that much patience”, I shiver at Dazai’s cold voice that is so close to my ear. “See, you are afraid.”

“Look, I would love to tell you everything you want to know, but it’s just…”, how to say this?

“Just?”

“I feel like it is better for everyone if I stay quiet.”

“And what about your ability?” Dazai finally let’s go of me.

“I’m not sure yet, but you will be the first to know when I figure it out”, I smile sweetly.

“You should be fast. I was serious when I said I don’t have that much patience”, he seems to really mean it.

“Neither do I.”

“Does it have something to do with seeing the future?”

“No, that is just a hobby”, a really nice hobby. I miss watching anime. This world was so much better when I was watching it. It takes a lot of energy to talk to these people and I’m lazy.

They continue talking, but I’m not listening. I’m looking at Oda and trying not to cry. It is really hard when they are in front of you, alive and breathing.

“I’m gonna go to the restroom”, I announce and go.

They probably know I’ll try to run away so I have to be quick.

I go through the back exit and run.

Why I’m doing this? Simply put, my gut is telling me I should run and I always trust my gut.

“Now, now . Running behind my back. Not very nice are you?”

Wow. That was like really fast. The shortest failed escape ever.

“I guess I’ll just have to do this hard way”, he seems to have fun though.

I try to run away from Dazai but I ran into Ango who catches me. “Sorry.”

“Hard to be a double agent”, I mutter.

A shadow appears on his face. Great, now I feel bad.

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell”, I smile.

Something hits my head and I fall.

The last thing I see before I lose conscious is Dazai picking me up and telling others he will take care of it.

Am I going to die again? What a mess.

{ Chapter 1 }  { Chapter 2 } { Chapter 3 } { Chapter 4 } { Chapter 5 }

[kateemmerson]

Malaga Momentos - My City of Healing

This is my tribute to a city that held me tight while I grieved a part of my life no longer real or relevant, cried a whole river of tears, let the sun warm my bones and fell in love with me again. Like L’Oreal says …‘cos I’m worth it, baby!

I have lived my entire life believing that certain places call out to my soul. They whisper quietly and then if perhaps I don’t listen timeously, they yell a little louder. It always feels like threads of energy are attached to my heart and they start tugging gently at me. I have never been able to adequately explain it, suffice it to say that I am a gypsy-traveller-nomad at heart, and love to move. Often. I also understand the innate value of a home, a base, and roots, but I have danced and moved between these two extremes all my life.

The way it happens varies – it might be the first time someone utters the name of that place and it feels like the words leave their lips and send a cupid’s arrow straight to my heart; or an image lands on my retina for the first time, or the words jump off the page in a book and just…won’t… let…go…!

Sometimes it’s just a whispering deep inside…that inevitably becomes stronger and stronger. Having traveled alone on a plane at the tender age of 8, that bug bit early. Many times I have literally sold up everything I own in order to make a trip to follow the strings that are pulling the hardest. The yearning that will not quieten down. 4 years ago I even took it a bit further, and as a ‘late-in-my-40’s’ year old, packed up again and went #LocationFree with my business still intact and growing. I have just written about that journey for my 5th book, due for release later this year.

For 4 years I have had no fixed home of my own, simply following the strings pulling at my heart; combining retreats, talks and coaching work around the world – and LOTS of online work, along with many visits of the heart to South Africa. One suitcase and a large armful of dreams. But now, I am finally looking for my next home. A little place to call mine – a nest to return to. Roots to plant and lavender to pick. Listening once again to the stirrings in my heart. I’m also getting clear about where I DON’T want to be, which can pave the way for where I do. There is a very loooong back story as to how I landed up coming to Spain – my business partner Sarah walked a part of the Camino in 2018 and together we decided it would be a spectacular way to combine writing and walking. So we did. Another whole story layered on top of that was that in my personal relationship, Spain seemed like somewhere to explore as a potential home for us in the future.

But where to explore? And where to explore for my heart?

Choosing Malaga was easy. My mama-bear lives in a beautiful retirement village in the UK and I have gotten to know many of her lovely neighbors. Cue a wonderful couple who spends a LOT of time in Spain and own homes here. So I popped across for tea asking for some necessary advice. I was presented with a good old fashioned map and a destination. They know my age, my interests and I just said – “where do you think I should spend the winter to write my book?” “MALAGA!”

“Where?”

“Malaga – you will LOVE it. Lots of culture, museums, history, art, expats, locals, awesome food, warm etc, etc.

“Where? Oh there, on the coast – I see it.”

“But not to the West Kate; Malaga or East.”

Got it. Done. That’s all it takes for me sometimes. A clear directive delivered at the right time. Apparently, many people I know have already been to Malaga, including my parents (and Hemingway of course); but I didn’t know that at the time (in my active brain). Go figure.

So I duly went into my trusted housesitters profile  (click link if you want a 25% discount) and started looking for a Malaga based house-sit for the winter. Mmmmalaga. A 2.5 month house-sit for one kitty popped onto my screen. Looks easy peasy. And warm – just like a Durban winter. If you are not from South Africa just think cozy, sunny and warm, a bit like Florida in the winter. Where all the human “swallows” might go in search of thawing out. You just need a light jacket in winter, no serious heating and can soak up plenty of vitamin D.

Well, yes, that beats the dreary UK over the winter, dunnit?

Fast forward – we facilitated the Walk ‘n Write Retreat in Northern Asturias region; my partner doesn’t join me as originally planned; Sarah and I visit Madrid for 4 nights; I plonk Sarah on the plane and then I head South. Alone. I like the way Malaga rolls off my tongue. Sounds exotic – I’m spending winter in Malaga. Tra la la – like I’m some millionairess with a house on the hill. Ha – If only I knew what was in store.

The potential house-sit didn’t pan out, after all, so while in Madrid I had booked 6 weeks in a glorious modern Air B‘nB New York type loft, thinking I could get writers to join me for a residency while I wrote over winter too. Or perhaps friends could pop over from the UK? It was gorgeous and trendy and just a short walk from everything. The morning after I arrived, I walked the 18 minutes across the “dry river” bridge into the historic city center to go and sign up for Spanish Classes. After all, I needed a total immersion if considering living in Spain. I thought it best I scrub up a bit and take the language plunge. Plus it would get me to meet people in a city where I knew literally no one and I could use it with my significant other.

I fell in love. INSTANTLY. Everywhere I looked made me beam from the inside out.

I have three innate questions when visiting a new place: Do I love it? Will I ever come back? Could I live here?

It was an instant YES to all three. It took me by surprise actually. These questions get asked and answered internally for me, without having to actively process them the moment I arrive somewhere. Most places I visit I generally tend to really like, or even love. Some, I definitely know I’ll be back to visit again and then a few grab me and my heart almost instantly. Malaga was an instant cupid moment and it has stayed with me. Four months later, I still absolutely love this city, and I absolutely could live here – but I also have come to realize that Spain is somehow not my next home. It’s a hard one for anyone else to fathom what I am saying – but that is how it feels for ME. It’s been a really interesting concept for me to lean into. I could live in Malaga but not in Spain. Mmm ok – so it’s off the list as a permanent base then.

I am still on the hunt for my next country! How exciting!

Malaga will 100% be a place I return to. It feels like home even though it won’t be my permanent home. Does that make sense? The first Air BnB apartment turned out to be inappropriate ‘cos I couldn’t sleep, thanks to the neighbor’s TV on till 3 am. Thankfully I managed to cancel the rest of my booking and moved straight into the center of the historic town. There is a fabulous brand called ILOFTMALAGA – great curated apartments of very high standards. Funky, modern and minimalist – me to a T. My quiet apartment looked onto a bustling street in the heart of the olde town. Bliss.

I started looking for another house-sit. I also found the awesome website GUIDE TO MALAGA and reached out to it’s founder, Joanna Styles, and joined a networking session to meet like-minded business women. Bliss! Her guide really is the GO-TO for anything that you want to know about. Be sure to grab it when visiting Malaga.

“Why a house-sit Kate”, you may ask?

Mostly because I love to feel like I’m really IN a city, living there like a local, with animals to look after and using local transport – rather than being a visitor looking from the outside in. Can you believe that the same housesit from my initial search, was back in play on the membership site, as she had been seriously let down by anther house-sitter? Only this time I was already IN Malaga and could meet the “pussycat’s slave” in person. I got to visit the exquisite property just to the East of Malaga, and it instantly felt like Cape Town – Camp’s Bay to be precise. With a sweet black ’n white kitty to love and vice versa. I needed some animal love! It was a done deal. I had a winter home and a base from which to write my next book and heal my heart. The Cat slave, Melanie, is  helping shift people’s perceptions to become Vegan through her recipes and coaching.

This might be another whole blog post one day, but at a very personal level, suffice it to say I was walking into the “Devil’s Den” by wondering if I could actually LIVE in Spain. It was part of another story of my potential future that was rapidly changing before my eyes– a future that it seemed was sadly not coming to fruition. And yes, I am being a little cryptic on purpose. If you know me, pick up the phone and call to chat for a more personal update! But, sometimes we need to face the fire. Spain was that for me. Healing, writing, walking, crying, yelling at the universe, sleeping, laughing, walking, reading, writing, creating a new community. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat. Malaga Momentos.

After about 2 weeks of being in Malaga – already with some favorite spots under my belt, an innate understanding of all the cobbled streets, local coffee shops where locals hung out, many, many beach walks, clients taken care of, and my resonance with the city deepening, I realized I needed to really LIVE and CONNECT and be less of a hermit. I was spending too much time alone if this was going to be my home for a few months. Working mostly online can be deceptive that way. I am always connecting with coaching clients, mastermind folk, writer’s and my mentorship groups and always interacting with people, friends, and family. But I needed more connecting IN THE FLESH. I knew I was going to be staying for a minimum of 3 months and I thought I best get to work on building a community of people. Playmates, colleagues, connections to yackety-yack with. Solidarity and friendships. The best way I know how to do that is to do it via something I love. I looked at dance classes, but they started at my bedtime. So what about writing?

I had decided it was the time to start writing my 5th book and had lodged that in my heart as my “winter” project. It’s about the past 4 years of living location free. So I searched for and joined the local Facebook group for Expats, and put up a post about how I was writing a book and asked who fancied joining me for some writing sessions? A simple post. I often do these writing sessions with our writers in our mentorships and regularly sit in community with writers. I was bowled over by the responses, especially a lady from Scotland who lives here all winter who started pointing me to all sorts of people she instinctively thought I’d like to meet. Instant networks and threads for me to explore.

I wasn’t starting the Malaga group as a paid membership or community –simply more to meet people and anchor myself in front of my computer. In the first meeting, there were 5 of us – and in 2 short hours, I had planned my whole book in 13 pages of hand-written notes. I always have a rule that every time you sit to write you need a goal to aim for. I offered this one rule to the group to get everyone to set minimum word count/goals for the writing session. Very little talking – lots of writing and lots of coffee. Word quickly spread. This week, as I leave Malaga, two other writers have taken over the group to keep the energy going and to keep writers writing!  Thanks to a lovely young lad Matt from the USA and Marta from Scotland (a belt loving scriptwriter) who took over,  I somehow feel as if I have managed to leave a little piece of myself here in the form of a committed writing group. That makes me so happy! I had been shown a PERFECT writing spot by my house-sit host. La Galerna is right on the beach in Pedregalejo, and we sit upstairs looking over the Mediterranean. I gathered folk who wanted to write together, once or twice a week. Within just 11 such writing sessions I had finished the first draft of my book. FANBLOODYTASTIC! Thanks to the regular committed folk Marc, Ruth, Carolynne, Eunice, Gian, Jan, Matt, Caroline, Marta and Lina. My regular writing tribe!

I have a small community here now, favorite places that call out to my heart, little back streets I always walk, bus drivers I know to greet, the place I buy my breakfast, an awesome physiotherapist, a weekly co-working meet-up with the fabulous Victoria Watson, a brand & PR expert, my regular pit-stop to the El Haman Turkish hot baths that soothe my muscles as I let the stress slip onto slabs of heated marble. I literally used to pray onto the slabs of marble while pouring buckets of piping hot water over my soul. The power of rituals. Then there is the powerhouse that is the incredible Nathan Manzaneque who runs the BTB networking club. I was also bowled over by the powerhouse of heartfullness, Victoria Ahlen who runs The Vilostrada Foundation doing phenomenal work in Morocco, and she is based between Morocco and Malaga. Or how about early morning Pilates with Ruth on the beach watching the sunrise.

I found a funky hairdresser and the best nail technician I have ever found anywhere. She’s called Angelica – go figure- and she is like a little butterfly on my nails. Or for the gals who need Frida type eyebrows – visit these two gorgeous Polish sisters who make this an unforgettable experience. Lashes and brows with love. I also have many other local coffee shops. I even get to tell established residents where to eat a certain food or entice them to a piano concerto in the magnificent Art Deco Concert Hall. And a guy I make sure I go and visit every time I’m near Plaza Constitution with his puppy called Kitty to offer an ear as he battles the streets. It’s a community for me. I know I will entice you to come and visit and …I already have plans afoot to host a Writing Residency in November 2020. Hosted at a gorgeous, brand new Retreat Centre called VegaHouseSpain run by Ana Capucho Maybe you get to explore this city with me soon?

I walk through it like a local. Smiling!

For me, life is usually about going TO something rather than walking away FROM somewhere else. I know it’s still Europe / Uk that’s pulling me. That’s what I know for now.

But I needed a blank page in between the old and the new. Malaga was my place. Officially leaving South Africa after to-and fro-ing for 4 years, I am in the place of – oh hell – so where next? Where is the place I let myself “pot”. You know- when you POT A PLANT? I have picked up my roots from the 50 years of being in SA, but am now dancing in the air waiting for the drumroll of ….YES, IT’S HERE. To feel the resonance of “This place wants me to stay.”

Malaga offered me a precious place to pause. To regather me to myself. Process and ponder life and where I am going. How do I want to truly live going forward, and how do I want to show up for my work and purpose. Where do I wish to create a proper home and retreat center? What does this new chapter look like and who joins me on it? Do you know what I mean when I say certain cities have the ability to help you heal – from the inside out? Malaga just mostly made me smile – or when I was grieving I could still smile through the tears as I stared at the ocean. It is an outrageously wonderful city to be in over Christmas and New year – the shops and Christmas lights and concerts are simply magnificent.  I also had a dear friend and my mum come visit – and it was so easy to show them “my” city. Every time I spot the ‘Catedral’ I burst into a smile- she suddenly appears as you walk along a narrow street then BOOM – her majestic dome and “manquita arm” is right in front of you. Or walking past Octopus- the multi-million dollar yacht that was berthed in the Puerto all winter. I never did get an invite onto it. Rooftop terraces to bask in the sun sipping vino and tapas. Buskers playing everything from harps, to flutes to opera. A little Flamenco passion and “Naranja” lined streets. I also happened to have a fabulous Spanish teacher who lived in my complex – if ever you need a Spanish language immersion, she’s your teacher! I met many, many, amazing souls and you all know who you are, even if not mentioned in person here. Thank you for making my time in Malaga so precious.

I would really LOVE to know where you have ever found yourself doing some deep inner healing and re-assessment work? Or where you are right now? Was it a bustling city, a new country, or a wee village on a remote island? Was it summer and sun, or snow and shovels?

How long did it take you to come back to yourself – to find a sense of inner rhythm again? I feel like my winter sojourn to Malaga has revived me, and I know everything is gonna be just perfect, even though it’s totally different from what I had imagined unfolding these past few months. Life has a plan for us – we just have to show up and be present.

Drop me a line on kate@kate-emmerson.com to connect- or leave me a comment

If you feel like you need to take some time to gather yourself towards yourself, be sure to come and grab my latest series about THE STRATEGIC POWER OF DISCONNECTING

Love Kate xx

#gallery-1 { margin: auto; } #gallery-1 .gallery-item { float: left; margin-top: 10px; text-align: center; width: 33%; } #gallery-1 img { border: 2px solid #cfcfcf; } #gallery-1 .gallery-caption { margin-left: 0; } /* see gallery_shortcode() in wp-includes/media.php */

Malaga Momentos – My City of Healing was originally published on Kate Emmerson - The Quick Shift Deva

[meitanreax]

day 4

hi bebu!!

hope you have a good day exploring town tomorrow!! im excited to see what tea and little sights u see ^__^ please send some photos and tea over hehe! i love you lots !! so much, forever, more than anything, with all my heart!!! <3 _ <3 every letter is one step closer to seeing u!! we only have 10 days left WOOO after tomorrow we’ll be in the single digits ^.^

im excited to call u tomorrow!!! also THANKS FOR ADDING SONGS TO THE PLAYLIST LOL majority is still me so u should catch up:3 ive been listening to clear & our playlist next to you, nonstop!!! im probably gonna listen to it a lot too the next day since it’s gonna be a 7-8 hour drive back to my cousin’s house...RIP

so in response to ur challenge: i want u to draw us on the phone talking to each other, u with pupy and me with buny!! or us in japan or us reuniting in the airport...LOL theres a lot of options but ^_^ HEHE U CAN CHOOSE!! here’s my doodle for the first prompt :3 pls send me ur photo when u r done!! i look forward to it!! 

ok!! so here’s for my day!! so i woke up around 530 am cuz of jet lag..and cuz i slept at like 930 LOL so it wasnt too bad!!! i got breakfast and stuff and then left the hotel around ~945 am? here’s some photos before i left!

this is the little garden/plaza in front!! p cute!!!  so literally....like i said our 4 hour drive ended up taking...7 hours..LOL we arrived at like 445 instead of ~130-2 RIP LOL but like i said!! everything that couldve went wrong on the trip, went wrong!! and i was like wtf hmph!!! first the baby yacked, so it was YACK SEAT, and then it was a flat tire!! like bro!! and i kept needing to pee, even worse!!

omg also on the road there was A BUNCH OF “road work ahead” signs and i literally thot of drew gooden’s “road work ahead? uh YEAH, i sure HOPE it does” LOOOL and there was like another sign that said “end road work” and i was like NOOO THE ROAD IS BROKEN NOW LOL

here r some photos i took on the road! we drove through a bunch of little towns idk what was going on and it sucked the road was literally one lane the entire way...LOL and we passed by the ocean at one point!! it was really pretty

we finally arrived around ~445!!! i took some photos of the place we’re at. it’s a place called vigan (pronounced like vegan LMAO) and we’re staying at a bed and breakfast...the wifi is hella jank so i ended up using the fucking hotspot again RIP..oh well at least it works p well ^_^ LOL

i ended up getting my own room with ez!! so i can talk and stuff and do whatever without my parents being loud or annoying LOL (fcking thank god) 

so after we settled down and stuff, we went out to walk around, and see the cobblestone areas, cuz this town is supposed to be an old spanish settlement so they made it more like europe and added cobble stones and stuff, and there are some spanish architecture here!! it’s SOOOO fricking humid though and im fucking DYING i literally started sweating 2 minutes out there

i think this town was actually one of the coolest ive been to in the philippines!! anyways yeah we just walked around looked at the streets and stuff. there was a bunch of horse drawn carriages o.0 and like a lot of tourist pop up shops LOL bro i got annoyed at some r00d filipinos who kept walking in when i was trying to take a photo!! i literally sighed so loud and they looked at me so i think they got the hint LOL ;-; 

but anyways, we walked around, got some water at a 7/11 and i got nutella bueno snacks and pepero and ferero rocher :3 i wanted to get cup noodle but im like hMMM LOL 

here r some cute photos of me that i took today LOL ^.^ just in case u missed my face hehe ( i sure hope u do!! )

after walking around and stuff, bro...we walked to a church and theyre like leTS go InSIDE LOL and im jsut ??? EVERYONE STARTED KNEELING AND PRAYING LOL and im like uh...ok..so i just walked around like i was looking around instead of prayign LKDSJLFKDj dude i found the lil chair the priest sits in during confession and i was gunna sit in it until my dad yelled at me and i was like o

ok

LMFAOOO ;-; i thot it was funny cuz i was speaking through the screen like “helLloOOO” LOL my fucking dumb ass dude!!!

we went back towards the place we were staying at, and then ended up across this cute lil cafe!! 

i also found a CUTE japanese cafe called sweets forest or something and the inside was soo cute there were little vines and flowers everywhere and fairy lights and a little neon sign and i was like sigh ;-; just like cali..and they had japanese crepes!! i wanted to go but my mom was like no we go to church n i was like wtf LOL

but yah across this cafe was a lil bakery, and i got coconut/taro mix ice cream in a lil tub and it was p good!! i gotta say!!

we walked back to our hotel now and now im just chillen here waiting for u hehe :D gonna shower and stuff then just relax!!! excited to talk to u !! thanks for putting in time to wake up early just to talk to me ;_; i rlly appreciate it bebu!!!

ok for tomorrow’s challenge:

do the piccrew drawing :3 LOL also! take photo(s) of something interesting in the town and tell me fun facts or something interesting about it o.0 give me some information!!! be the tour guide :D

thanks for making the break more bearable bebu!! love u so much!! it really warms my heart knowing how much effort we’re both putting into making this work over this long break ;_; im really glad i get to see you soon and i rlly rlly look forward to it!!!! hehe IM EXCITED FOR THE TEAS TOO AND THEN ALSO JUST HOLDING U IN PERSON <3

i love you so much!! forever!! MORE THAN ANYTHING WITH ALL MY HEART BABY!!! i love you soo much!! T-10 DAYS LEFT!!! we got this!!!! POWER THROUGH!!!!! 

[garagetoilet89-blog]

Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars

Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars are chewy with crispy edges, have tasty vanilla flavor flecked with chocolate, and will be your new favorite snack!

Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars

Do you like snacks as much as we do?

I have a new snack recipe for you, and it is good.

Soft and chewy with crisp edges, these bars are good eats. Fragrant vanilla and melty pockets of chocolate make a great flavor combination. These Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars are vegan, and made without oil.

For those with allergies, they are also naturally gluten free and nut free.

Packed with fiber and flavor, this quick and easy bar just may make its way into regular rotation. I have already made them twice in a very short time.

Portable, Quick and Easy Recipes For Fast Paced Life

These bars are a terrific portable snack. They also fall under the categories of Make Ahead, One Pan, and Under Ten Ingredients.

Pretty easy ingredients, too – I already had every ingredient available in my pantry except the buckwheat groats. Those were easy to find in the bulk area of several grocery stores near me, and you can also count on Bob to come through if needed.

a spabettie note on ingredients: Buckwheat groats are naturally gluten free, and are often a sub for pearl barley when making a recipe gluten free. The second time I made these bars, I used pearl barley – one cup barley for 3 cups water – and they were so very similar to the original recipe. If you do not need to be gluten free and happen to have a cup of pearl barley already on hand, these bars can be yours in about an hour!

Vegan Yack Attack On The Go!

This new favorite snack recipe comes from Jackie’s second book, Vegan Yack Attack On The Go! – Plant Based Recipes for your Fast Paced Vegan Lifestyle. I have only had a short time with this book so far, but I can already tell it was a labor of love for my friend Jackie.

The recipes are fun, and the few that I have already tried? Super tasty good.

This book makes me want to go camping!

…or at least do more cooking outside.

But truly – I used to love camping and hiking, and can see how so many of these recipes fit into that sort of event – from the Foiled Strawberry French Toast to the Campfire Banana Splits, the recipes are portable and easy, and many can be made in advance.

To bring with you on that camping trip.

The “Food On The Move” chapter includes recipes like an Asparagus Omelet in a Bag, a bunch of recipes for Grill Packets, my favorite – Cheater Chilaquiles.

The “Meals In 30 Minutes or Less” section has all kinds of recipes if you are staying home – as Jackie says, in the time it takes to wait for a table at your favorite restaurant, one of the recipes in this chapter can be on your table.

Tasty goodness like Pineapple Teriyaki Burgers (those are GOOD – the first thing we tried!), Sheet Pan Squash Tacos, and Savory Puff Pastry Tartlets. There is a Hearty Skillet Cornbread I cannot wait to try, and a Party Nacho Platter that is happening soon as well.

As far as these Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars go? I already tested and can highly recommend their portability – I made a batch to take on our vacation last month – they were appreciated on the nine hour overseas flight, for sure.

(tucked into my favorite Vegan Reversible Tote that is also great for travel…)

Now that we are back home from vacation, we will be working through the extensive list of recipes we have marked to try.

Like the Pumpkin Maple Donut Holes – those are definitely next. They include a Cream Cheese Dipping Sauce.

Mmm hmmm.

CONGRATS to Jackie for a job well done, again! I know I am going to love this book as much as your first. From someone who is always traveling and on the go, I appreciate the hard work and love that so obviously went into creating this book. THANK YOU.

Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars

YIELD: 12 bars

dairy, egg, soy, oil, nut, and gluten free, vegan, one pan

INGREDIENTS:

1 cup (180 g) buckwheat groats 2 cups (475 ml) water 2 cups (230 g) gluten-free rolled oats 1 cup (130 g) pitted dates 1/4 cup (60 ml) agave nectar 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 teaspoon salt 1 cup (160 g) vegan chocolate chips 1/2 cup (40 g) unsweetened shredded coconut

INSTRUCTIONS:

Preheat the oven to 350ºF (180ºC, or gas mark 4), and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a small pot, bring the buckwheat groats and water to a simmer over medium-low heat. Cook the grains for 5 to 7 minutes, uncovered, until tender. Strain off any excess liquid, allow it to cool for 10 minutes.

Place the buckwheat in a food processor with the oats, dates, agave nectar, vanilla, and salt. Pulse until the mixture is combined, and the oats and dates are slightly broken down.

Fold the chocolate chips and coconut into the bar mixture until evenly mixed, then spread the mixture out into a 9 x 12-inch (23 x 30-cm) rectangle, a ½-inch (1.25-cm) high. Using a pizza cutter or knife, cut twelve 2.5 x 4-inch (6.25 x 10-cm) bars out of the rectangle without separating them.

Bake the bars for 30 minutes, then flip them, separating the bars at their perforations. Bake for 15 minutes until they begin to brown around the edges. Cool on a rack for 15 minutes for serving, or for 45 minutes before putting them into a container with a moisture absorbing packet.

Tip: Try adding a scoop (size may vary) of your favorite vegan protein powder to this recipe to bump up the protein content! Protein and snack bars are a lifesaver for me when traveling, but some are filled with all kinds of wild ingredients that are hard to recognize. Here, I have for you bars that are made with whole ingredients, travel easily, and are filling when hunger strikes.

Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars recipe shared on spabettie with permission from Jackie Sobon and Vegan Yack Attack On The Go! © 2018 Quarto Publishing Group USA Inc. © 2018. First Published in 2018 by Fair Winds Press, an imprint of The Quarto Group

Try AmazonFresh Free Trial for Unlimited Grocery Delivery – add these recipe ingredients to your list and have these tasty Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars for breakfast tomorrow! use code FRESH25 for a $25 off discount on your first AmazonFresh order!

ABOUT KRISTINA SLOGGETT: Kristina is spabettie! She founded spabettie in 2010 to share her vegetarian recipes. Vegetarian quickly became vegan. As the sole recipe developer and photographer at spabettie, Kristina turned her love of cooking and creativity into an extremely fun and challenging way to spend her days – sharing just how flavorful and vibrant vegan food is! She loves dachshunds, Portland, Hawaii, drummers – well, one drummer – and travel.

printable Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars recipe:

  Easy Vanilla Chip Buckwheat Bars

Author: Jackie Sobon

Recipe type: Breakfast, Dessert, Snack

Cuisine: American

Serves: 12 bars

dairy, egg, soy, oil, nut, and gluten free, vegan, one pan

Ingredients

1 cup (180 g) buckwheat groats

2 cups (475 ml) water

2 cups (230 g) gluten-free rolled oats

1 cup (130 g) pitted dates

¼ cup (60 ml) agave nectar

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

½ teaspoon salt

1 cup (160 g) vegan chocolate chips

½ cup (40 g) unsweetened shredded coconut

Instructions

Preheat the oven to 350ºF (180ºC, or gas mark 4), and line a baking sheet with parchment paper.

In a small pot, bring the buckwheat groats and water to a simmer over medium-low heat. Cook the grains for 5 to 7 minutes, uncovered, until tender. Strain off any excess liquid, allow it to cool for 10 minutes.

Place the buckwheat in a food processor with the oats, dates, agave nectar, vanilla, and salt. Pulse until the mixture is combined, and the oats and dates are slightly broken down.

Fold the chocolate chips and coconut into the bar mixture until evenly mixed, then spread the mixture out into a 9 x 12-inch (23 x 30-cm) rectangle, a ½-inch (1.25-cm) high. Using a pizza cutter or knife, cut twelve 2.5 x 4-inch (6.25 x 10-cm) bars out of the rectangle without separating them.

Bake the bars for 30 minutes, then flip them, separating the bars at their perforations. Bake for 15 minutes until they begin to brown around the edges. Cool on a rack for 15 minutes for serving, or for 45 minutes before putting them into a container with a moisture absorbing packet.

Tip: Try adding a scoop (size may vary) of your favorite vegan protein powder to this recipe to bump up the protein content! Protein and snack bars are a lifesaver for me when traveling, but some are filled with all kinds of wild ingredients that are hard to recognize. Here, I have for you bars that are made with whole ingredients, travel easily, and are filling when hunger strikes

3.5.3208

 spabettie / Kristina Sloggett is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com.

Source: https://www.spabettie.com/2018/07/15/easy-vanilla-chip-buckwheat-bars/