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Quarantine

When Chris’s honeymoon gets cancelled and Scott ends up getting quarantined with them to avoid New York, their lives turn to absolute chaos. This ended up being SO long!

-

“Can I, uh…?” Chris cocked his head at the door to their home office, where his wife of a full week was sitting at her desk. She nodded, turning off her microphone and getting up. She didn’t even know why they wanted her sitting in on that meeting.

“Yeah?” She asked as she joined him at the door. He smelled like the shaving cream he had just used in his shower.

“So, uh, Scott’s boyfriend might or might not be sick,” Chris started, eyes squinting like he was waiting for a blow. “And he can’t be around the kids, or Mom and Dad until he tests, so can we…?” She knew what he was asking before he even finished.

“Yes, he can stay here,” she sighed. “But no funny business, okay? I still have to work until I finish this project.” Chris grinned like a little kid whose parents said he can keep the stray dog.

“Thank you, I love you, and he’ll be here in two hours.”

“New York is three and a half hours away,” she reminded him, tilting her head.

“I know. I told him he could come an hour and a half ago.”

“Christopher!” She chided as he chuckled. “You have to make dinner tonight, then, because I’m not doing it.”

“Fine,” he agreed. “If you feed the dogs.” She rolled her eyes and went back to work. The next time she even looked up and out the window was when Scott’s car pulled up in the driveway and he began taking a suspicious amount of luggage from it. Chris ran to the front door, guarding Dodger and their puppy, Rex, from getting out. She stood up, ready to greet Scott from six feet away.

-

“No, no, no, you have to read the definition!” Scott exclaimed to his brother, holding his cards against humanity game in his hands. “It’s in the rules!”

“Because you go by all the rules!” Chris taunted back, shaking his head. “I’m not reading the definition of fuckin’ Bukkake in front of my wife.”

“You gotta!” Chris rolled his eyes but took his phone out of his pocket anyway, his face turning as red as a tomato as he read.

“A relatively common prono fetish that includes one sperm recipient, usually of the female variety, and at least 3 or more sperm donors,” Chris read, slapping his phone down on the wooden table. “There! Happy?”

“Oh, very,” Scott grinned like a mad man, so much so that it made Chris get up and whack the back of his head. She realized what was happening and held her arms out.

“Nope!” She said. “No fighting. Scott’s card is the winner, and…”

“Ha!” Scott yelled. “I won!”

“AND he has to go walk the dogs before they poop all over the house as punishment for making Chris read an embarrassing definition out loud when it isn’t even in the rules!” She finished, putting all of her cards down. Both boys exclaimed in disgust, but they stopped arguing. Scott stood up, and so did Rex, who was sitting under the table waiting for scraps that would never come.

“Maybe I should’ve gotten sick,” Scott groaned as he walked over to where they kept the leashes. Chris’s earlier disgust turned to laughter as he watched his brother gather the plastic bags they kept for a very specific purpose. Within a minute, Scott had both dogs leashed and was walking out of the door, while Chris cleaned up the six pack and two extras they’d had and she picked up the box of cards Scott had brought along.

“I can not believe you let him win!” Chris said as he poured the last few drops of a beer bottle down the sink drain. She smirk. “You literally married me last week!”

“And if it weren’t for Coronavirus, we would be swimming with pigs in the Bahamas! And drinking for breakfast, lunch, and dinner! And it would be socially appropriate!” Chris chuckled.

“It’s better to be stuck here than there, you know that.” He knew she was disappointed, and not just because she hadn’t moved her boarding pass from the dining room table. “But I was not about to have you getting sick and die of fuckin’ Coronavirus right after I marry you.”

“But pigs on a white sand beach, Christopher. Pigs.” He put the last of the bottles in the trash and slid it closed, then walked over to where she was standing sorting cards. He grabbed her from the back, hugging her tightly to him, and kissed the exposed skin on her shoulder.

“I’ll make it up to you,” he said, pulling her hair aside to kiss her again. She cringed at the feeling. “Give me about ten minutes.”

“Your beard tickles.”

“Get used to it. It’s a quarantine beard and it’s happening.” She giggled.

“How long do you think this’ll last?” He shrugged.

“I don’t know, but I can guarantee we’ll get stir crazy within a week.” She took in a deep breath.

“It better not last long because I’m going to need, just, like, an hour at some point.” Chris chuckled again, hugging her tighter.

“I’ll finish up here. You worked hard today. You should sleep.”

“And that’s why I love you,” she replied. “It takes minimal to no effort to get you to do things for me.” Chris scoffed, but watched her disappear up the set of stairs to their bathroom to take off the makeup she had been forced to put on for a meeting.

-

“Please tell me why you thought this was a good idea,” she groaned as she pushed the heavy couch toward Chris, who was standing on top of the dining room table, as she and Scott moved every single item of furniture around until it was in the same place it had been for the past six months.

“Because I thought the couch would look better exchanged with the loveseat and then the loveseat with the old armchair and the picture of the creepy sea captain with the sea shell thing you have?” Chris suggested. She just glared at him.

“Chris, we’ve been here for two hours.”

“You didn’t even let me have a water break!” Scott complained as he flopped down on the couch. Chris got down from the table, arms crossed against his chest.

“Well, what if we switched the piano with the sideboard? Then it would be easier to find the leashes and-”

“I,” she started to reply, “am not moving anything else in this house.” She sat down on the loveseat, putting her feet up on the coffee table. Chris leaned down to the floor to pet Dodger.

“At least my dog loves me,” Chris said.

“Dodger, come here!” Scott interrupted. The dog perked up his ears and left Chris’s lap for his brother, curling up against him immediately.

“We’re not talking to you until you make us quarantine grilled cheeses,” she said to Chris as he stood up.

“We’re going to run out of bread.”

“Not if I go get the sourdough starter from Ellie.”

“Ellie doesn’t live in this house.”

“But I can get it without even touching-”

“We will make our own bread!” Chris declared. “Nobody leaves this house unless it’s Scott because he’s sick.”

“Dude, thanks for giving me up.”

“Thanks for taking my dog.”

-

“How much longer are we going to be in actual prison?” She asked Chris as he laid back down in their bed holding a cup of coffee in each hand.

“How many mornings are you going to make me make this?” He asked in response, handing her the Dalgona coffee she saw on Tik Tok the day before.

“It’s good, so….” Chris sighed and put his arm between her head and the bed’s headboard, trying to wake up enough to understand what the TV was saying.

“… Has been extended through May 4th, 2020, with another possible extension…” Both of them groaned so loudly that Scott thought they were doing something else when he walked by. He walked into the room with his own cup of hot coffee, looking at the TV before his brother and sister-in-law.

“I’m not fuckin’ staying in this house until May 4th,” she said loudly. “Chris, make it go away.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, call the senators and make them stop it.” Chris rolled his eyes.

“Babe. That is not what ASP is about.” It was her turn to roll her eyes at her husband, mocking him much like Scott did.

“Don’t start with that again,” Scott said, “it’s great, but annoying.”

“You’re annoying.” Chris shot his brother a threatening look until he went back to the guest bedroom. “I don’t wanna stay here until May 4th either.”

“That’s Star Wars day.”

“Oh, hey, we could watch the new one,” Chris suggested. “Unless you lied and watched it without me.”

“Like how you took Miles and Stella and bought them lightsabers and didn’t get me one?” She pouted.

“Are you still mad about that?”

“As mad as when our honeymoon got cancelled because of Coronavirus.” Chris put his coffee down and hugged her close to him. “I wanted to fuck you on a beach.”

“And you will. You… already did, that one weekend in the Hamptons. But my point is…” The two dogs jumped up on the bed, joining their parents in a cuddle. “We’ll go when the stay at home is lifted, okay? I really don’t want to get stuck somewhere else or get sick. This shit’s serious.”

“I know.”

“And at least we can still spend time together. And I don’t have to be in LA next week.” Chris pressed a soft, sweet kiss to her lips. She tasted like instant coffee. “I love you and I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

-

It had been three days and she was waiting for the I’ll-make-it-up-to-you that Chris promised. He always made promises and always kept them, always, so it was only a matter of time before something was done. It had been two weeks since Scott tested negative at a drive-thru, too, so he’d finally gone to see his sisters and the kids. Rex and Dodger weren’t battling it out for some reason, instead on their respective beds on the floor on either side of the TV stand. She was on the couch, playing Animal Crossing for the third day in a row since she’d gotten it from Target drive-up. And Chris was, surprisingly, nowhere to be found. He’d been gone since he delivered her coffee that morning. Until she heard the back door slide open and Chris walked inside in the clothes he usually painted or cleaned in.

“Come outside,” Chris instructed. “I’m not letting you negotiate, come outside.” He had a shit-eating grin on his face, one that said he knew exactly what he was doing.

“Why?”

“Humor me, baby, please?” He asked, walking up to her and offering her a hand. He smelled like chemicals. For some reason, she loved him so much that she was about to cooperate with whatever scheme he had come up with to entertain them for the day.

“Why are you taking me to the backyard?” She was suspicious. The same kind of suspicious she was on the day that he proposed to her nine months ago. But Chris didn’t answer. He just kept holding her hand and leading her outside with a stupid smile on his face and a Patriots hat on his forehead to hide it. She reached the door and looked outside to where the pool had been covered since October, since Chris was too lazy to get it heated. But this time, he had opened the pool and balanced the chemicals and cleaned the algae out. He’d cleaned off the chairs and the tables. Her tan lotion and a towel was sitting on one of the chairs, Chris’s towel and water bottle on the other. He’d taken her old sorority cooler out and filled it with beer and White Claw. He’d tried to make the honeymoon they couldn’t have.

“Christopher,” she said as he dropped her hand. Her heart melted into a million fucking pieces at the sight, and she just looked over at him.

“Did I do okay?” He wasn’t playing – he was genuinely asking her if he did okay.

“Yeah.” Tears started coming to her eyes, too quickly to stop, and she stood up and kissed him. “I love you,” she said.

“I love you too.” He gave her a watery smile and a kiss on her forehead, pulling her in for a hug. “I promise we’ll go swim with pigs once quarantine is over. Now go put your swimsuit on so I can take it off.”

“You’re a fucking child.” She stood on her toes to kiss his cheek, thanking him again, as she turned to go change clothes. That was when a certain SUV rolled up in the driveway and Chris’s demeanor changed.

“No,” Chris said to himself. Scott was back.

“Chris, it’s fine!” Chris didn’t listen, instead crossing the backyard to the gate and then the gate to Scott’s car, where he tried to wave him back inside.

“No, no, no, no, you said you were gonna be gone all day!” Scott turned off his car and got out.

“What?”

“I made… Oh, come on! Go back to Mom and Dad’s!”

“I was just there!”

“Then go play with Miles and Stella!”

“Why?”

“Because I made the Bahamas in the pool for my wife.” Scott scoffed. “I didn’t even show her the blow-up flying pig floatie I ordered off Amazon.”

“That’s all you needed to say, bud.” Scott patted his brother’s shoulder.

“What, I needed to say a flying pig floatie or…”

“Go spend some time with your wife, man. It’s fine. God knows when this thing is going to be over. You deserve a little happy.”

“Dude, I live here.” Scott shook Chris’s shoulder before slipping his sunglasses back on his face and slinking back into his car. Chris sighed happily, walking back to the backyard. She was standing there, phone in her hand, and only in the towel Chris had left out for her.

“Hey,” he replied, “good news, Scott…” He chuckled. “Are you filming this?”

“There’s a thing on Tik Tok where you go to your boys and drop your towel,” she said with a little sad face, thinking he wasn’t into it.

“Oh. Then go ahead.” She held her phone in the hand, dropping the towel, and watching Chris’s face light up.

“Thank you for making our Bahamas,” she said as she shut the phone off, having recorded his reaction. She reached for the towel on the floor, but Chris shook his head.

“There’s no way that’s going back on. If all I had to do was this to get this, then what will doing the dishes do?”

“Chris!”