#ayano was here

[kafus]

i love blue moon falls so much, i put the button on my own website!! has the distribution thing been tested with the rom hack Pokemon Crystal Clear? If it hasn't I might try and see if it works myself

i never test my tools with romhacks, but if crystal clear retains the save file structure of crystal and has the same pokemon as the base game then it’ll probably work

thanks for using and enjoying the site 💜

[kafus]

i might be tired but at least i’m still gay

[kafus]

awake too soon because of high wind noises. bleh

[kafus]

who exactly is following the lesbian yearning blog and doesn't want to see the lesbian yearning?

i am amused at the idea of this being “the lesbian yearning blog” but i guess you aren’t wrong. the lesbian yearning and pokemon blog i suppose lol

[kafus]

maybe one day the walls that separate us can be broken down and i can feel the most honest version of you

[kafus]

i’ve been learning a lot lately about what actual love looks like. healthy love, safe love, gentle love. it’s been really nice but it’s also really scary because i’ve only ever really known the alternative, and sometimes i’m scared that my words and my hands could hurt someone again, the same way i have been hurt countless times. but i’m in a better place than i ever was and they seem happy to have me around and keep pulling me to the forefront, and everything is remarkably comfortable. maybe for once love is kind. and at a time i really need it too, where i keep isolating and forgetting to be a person

[kafus]

i haven’t worked on BMF in a while because i have been isolating myself and not fronting a whole lot again, plus real life has just been busy, but hopefully today i can get some work done on it… i miss it and despite my efforts to not feel guilty, i feel bad when i am not updating regularly. the latter i really need to work on dealing with mentally because worrying about public perception is what burned me out last year

[kafus]

my mom stumbled on a stranger in a thai restaurant a couple months ago that happened to have used blue moon falls before, and i just randomly stumbled on said stranger talking about the experience of meeting my mom irl in a niche poketuber's patreon discord. where am i

[kafus]

i should have been a teenager in the 80s coding crappy arcade machine clones on an amiga in my bedroom. it is an actual crime against humanity that this is not my reality

[kafus]

i need to bite the bullet and learn C at some point. not C++. not C#. just C. i keep telling myself that i should learn something like python first but if i’m honest with myself i am way more interested in the lower level aspects of C and i think i am strong enough in the abstractions of javascript that python wouldn’t grab my attention nearly as much. i do not give enough credit to how important being interested is. i need to learn C

[kafus]

i just responded to every email i've received for BMF in the past year during hiatus that i could (i have a few i need to respond to some other time) and i sifted through all my emails and bug reports from the bug report form to make a bullet point list of stuff i need to take care of. i had been overwhelmed by the amount i needed to do but now that i've actually made a list, it feels way more reasonable. a lot of it is tiny fixes that don't require much thinking, like fixing typos. feels good to get a bunch of that out of the way

[kafus]

i did not mean to have my emotions suddenly bubble over on here this morning. wasn’t expecting it. thanks for reading if you did though

fronting feels difficult but i’m going to try and be present for breakfast and then i’ll probably take a break again. maybe i can code a little later. and hopefully we can get our mom to drive us to the local bakery and we can get a little cake or something later for our anniversary because i think that would cheer me up a little right now

[kafus]

waking up… we were going through so much in december i didn’t get to work on BMF at all even though i really need to do a round of bugfixing/maintenance and i really hope to do that today or tomorrow…

the site is so big now and i think i get in my head too much about being on top of everything all the time but really, it’s okay for there to be small coding errors or whatever, i don’t need to fix them immediately if they’re small and affecting only a small group of people. or like, it’s not the most pressing issue in the world if one of my articles is missing a small detail for a while. i put too much pressure on myself to get to things immediately and put top much weight on doing so and that’s what led to my burnout in 2024 in the first place so i really need to relax. of course i want to get to those things eventually but i don’t need to speedrun there. i am one person, not a team

[kafus]

i wrote two posts about struggling to make friends in a row but i’m not feeling particularly hopeless or anything. i’m being kind to myself about it. up until recently i was a hikikomori for multiple years and it’s not like i had much socializing experience before that. despite it all i am trying and learning “how to people” and i feel like i’m getting somewhere. it only gets better from here

[kafus]

i also struggle to make programming friends. i feel like i’m in a weird intermediate spot where beginners seem scared to talk to me or intimidated by me, but i am also intimidated by people who are so much more knowledgeable and experienced. i’ve outgrown a lot of that neocities beginner just-messing-around vibe but i also don’t know where to go now, socially. it’s odd.

my roadmap is strange. i do not think it is often that people realize they want to take webdev more seriously because of neocities. i see established programmers on there or people just having fun (which is the majority) and not much of the inbetween. but i definitely feel like that sort of awkward middle stage pokemon evolution with coding. i know a lot, enough to know the vastness of how much i don’t know, and i’m in an awkward learning phase both technically and socially

basically i feel like the quaxwell of webdev

[kafus]

i miss shiny hunting. i’ve been really disconnected from the hobby and the community this year and i’m not sure why. maybe i just need more shiny hunting friends