#awww what a cutie patootie i sure hope nothing bad happens to him

[cheddarjay]

Springtrap but with funny eyelashes? I randomly got this idea while drawing out his design, so now it's part of it I guess :]

He looks so stupid but also so pretty

Kinda looks like he's crying very violently

[thedegenerateasexual]

anyway time to go back to reblogging My Favorite Book, this time w/ chapters 8-11:

chapter 8:

i have decided this book does have one flaw and it’s this:

Alice wanted to lose herself in season five of Supernatural and pass out once her serotonin levels overloaded on the cutie patootie badass with the biggest heart named D*** W*********.

there are...frequent mentions...of Fandom

and bless alice but she does not always have good taste

i could absolutely do with 10000% less of that shit

“I think this is going to provide a perfect opportunity.”

“For?”

“To sleep with him, of course. You need to have sex with him.”

FEENIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE GOOD EGG

“Feenie.” Alice sighed so deep, her chest hurt. Of all the things she had expected Feenie to say, that wasn’t it. “I’m really going to need you to stop doing drugs. It’s affecting your cognitive thinking at this point.”

girl mood

“If you’re attracted to Takumi, that means sex might be different. Remember how disappointed you were before?”

Every time Feenie brought that up, regret walloped Alice upside the head. After Sam but before Margot, Alice had begun to think that maybe she’d had sex too early and maybe she should try it again. The result was a one-night stand with a boy named Louis to see if maybe she had been wrong.

She wasn’t. She had picked him randomly (he had seemed nice enough), they fumbled around for about thirty minutes, he managed to give her an orgasm, and … that was it.

Sex, Alice had decided, was like jogging. All the people in the world could say it’s so amazing and great for you, but if you don’t care about jogging, you’d rather spend your time with a Netflix queue and a box of doughnuts.

Orgasms, Alice had decided, were like stretching after exercising. It felt amazing in the moment, but who really thought about that perfect stretch two hours later? She certainly didn’t.

okay 1. i wanna hug alice jesus christ she has such a bad history ): 2. this author Knows

“I was not disappointed. Some things were just confirmed and I was more affected by it than I thought I would be.” Truth be told, Alice was relieved, but hadn’t figured out how to explain why she felt that way just yet. She didn’t need sex to be sure. She had always known.

“Yeah. There’s a word for that. Disappointment.”

“Anyway,” Alice said, eager to move on. They would never see eye to eye there. “I don’t know if that’s something I’m ready for. After Margot, it feels like there’s no point in me having sex with anyone, not even to make them happy. I just don’t want to do it.”

FEENIE’S GIVING ME THE HEEBIE JEEBIES LEAVE HER ALONE...like okay to be fair alice isnt speaking up w/ how she really feels but STILL she gets to have the final say on this

“What about the other side? What if it never happens again? What if he is it for me? I only get one shot, it all goes to shit, and I go back to feeling nothing and thinking I’m broken. I finally feel balanced. I don’t want to lose that.”

haha wow what a gray-ace mood this book is calling me OUT on internal bias like technically im gray-ace and just say ace because ace by itself is already hard enough to understand and explain (i had to explain it unexpectedly the other day on stream outta the blue and it really threw me my shoulders were up around my ears like so much for out & proud yikes)

Feenie flicked her right between the eyes.

“Ow, you ass.” Alice rubbed her forehead.

“First of all”—Feenie pointed at her—“you are not broken and I don’t ever want to hear that again.”

thank u

“Second, being attracted to one person doesn’t necessarily change who you are. Maybe you’re graysexual instead of straight up ace.”

LITERALLY THEY SAID IT AS SOON AS I THOUGHT IT WOW THIS IS THE REAL ACE EXPERIENCE ic annot believe this

Yes, Feenie’s suggestion to have sex with Takumi was questionable. However, she wasn’t suggesting he would cure her.

Graysexual.

In spite of everything, Feenie had acknowledged she was still on the spectrum where she felt most at home.

“It’s not lust,” she said. The words felt true. “It’s something, but I don’t think it’s that.”

i’m crying this is the true gray-ace mood i can’t believe this book called me out so thoroughly in one second and made me feel so valid in the next

Feenie sighed. “Inspirational, ‘Kumbaya’-type shit is not my jam, so I’m only going to say this once: You can’t let one or two bad experiences stop you from being happy. Maybe it’s with Takumi, maybe it’s not. But you’re not going to know until you try.”

i can’t decide if i wanna be in feenie’s corner for encouraging her or be weirded out that feenie is pushing her but i guess both is okay man sometimes bad experiences are Real Bad! let her do what she wants! she’s gotta be ready!

chapter 9:

Alice’s inability to say “being asexual” plagued her. The words formed but lodged themselves in her throat. One night she had stood in front of the mirror repeating, “I’m asexual,” over and over again. She had thought that if she could get used to hearing it, she’d accept it as truth faster. Alice knew it had made sense. She could check off all the little boxes. But she wasn’t sure it was a title that she had necessarily wanted everyone else to know.

im literally already choking up again there’s a reason too we so often say “ace” instead of “asexual” the word itself invokes connotations of 1. plant jokes and 2. frigidity, How Lovely...like im an Old Ace i’ve been grappling w/ this since 2006ish so this isn’t much of a mood anymore but GOD it used to be - literally a reverse of the gray-ace mood above “i will take anything, gray-ace, demi-, whatever, just not asexual”

She didn’t want to be known as Alice the Asexual. She wanted to be Alice who had an (admittedly) unhealthy obsession with all things cute and ate ice cream in the winter and taught all her friends how to make a Soul Train line and, and, and …

Being asexual would trump everything else about her, good and bad and weird.

If Alice had told someone, would they begin to use that as the primary defining characteristic for her from then on?

Oh, hey everyone, some person would say as they introduced her, this is Alice. She’s asexual. Sorry if you had any plans for her. She won’t ever desire you, regardless of how much she likes you.

Was it really anyone’s business that Alice didn’t feel sexual attraction when the rest of the world did? It was Alice’s secret. She could guard it like Smaug hoarding gold if she wanted to.

it’s so weird how like, un-internalizing bad shit moves along in stages, but those stages come in a different order and mean different stuff for everyone - i am the total opposite of those first two paragraphs, i love being Liz The Asexual (most of the time...), but i’m so far along - yet if i was around someone i Liked i would literally kill anyone who brought it up, and when i do Like people it’s just easier to keep it buttoned because 1. can only give them so much 2. of course they already know & assume there’s no interest, so what’s the point! can’t date as ace. impossible. i hope alice finds so much happiness so i can live thru her vicariously

yikes her sis signed her up for a lawyer seminar even tho she doesnt wanna do it & paid for it too so now she has to go ): dude

chapter 10:

Takumi had parted his hair on the left side, creating a slight pompadour to the right with sides closely cropped to his head. The asymmetry complemented his already balanced features and clean-shaven jaw.

Looking at him stressed Alice all the way out. That stupidly beautiful man was slowly giving her high blood pressure. Steam was mere moments from spewing out of her ears.

But.

But.

That was it. Nothing else happened.

Alice’s lips ticked up into a smile, her breath came out as an excited laugh. She was fine. She was herself again.

awww babe

ok i cant copyapasta all of this but takumi is cute & charming & also has hit on alice at least once:

“You seem better today,” Takumi said, keeping up with her pace. “Almost like a different person, really.”

The three of them entered the elevator. Essie pressed the buttons for the first floor and the basement.

“I can see how you would think that. I was having an off day. I’m fine.”

“You were fine last night, too.”

“Last night?” Essie exclaimed. “Yeah, hi, still here.”

“He meant at the bus stop. He waited with me.”

SMOOTH

“I’m definitely getting a vibe.”

“There is no vibe.” She rolled her eyes before realizing this would be great information for Feenie. Was Takumi being friendly or flirting and why, oh why, couldn’t she tell the difference? “But if there were, how would said vibe feel? Just, you know, wondering.”

“Stop being silly. You know what I mean.”

No, she really didn’t, and she hated when people made that assumption. If she had known, why would she bother asking?

mood. alice’s boss is being aphobic smh

“So what color would Takumi be?”

“I have a color?” Takumi asked, walking back in.

“Yes!” Essie held up her hands like she was preparing to tell an epic story. “Okay, so Alice has this color system she calls the Cutie Code and she uses it to determine how cute something is. I’m Yellow-Orange, which is close to the top by the way.” She actually began to preen.

If Alice weren’t mortified beyond recognition, she would have gotten up and run for her life. The Cutie Code™ was sacrosanct. Essie didn’t know Alice told only certain people about it—people she thought would understand and not ridicule her to death.

“Oh yeah?” Takumi asked, turning to Alice. “What color am I?”

NOOOOO THAT’S SUCH A PERSONAL THING TO ASK oh no poor alice i can’t believe her boss outed her like this

Kneecaps were generally uncute, so Alice stared at his. She had only one option in this increasingly perilous situation: damage control.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I decided to retire the Cutie Code. So.”

awww babe htis is so sad wtf

“Could you unretire it for two minutes? If you randomly saw me, what would I be?” Takumi asked once Essie was gone.

“Why?” Alice said, ducking behind her monitor.

He walked to the other side of her desk. “I want to know. I figure I have to be Yellow-Orange. I’m at least as cute as Essie is.”

His tone wasn’t superior or arrogant or mocking, surprising Alice. She lifted her gaze to his face. The amused way he smiled at her, interested and waiting … she felt like her answer would mean something to him. He cared about what she would say.

A spot in the center of her chest began to warm up.

THERE’S THE VIBE ALICE YOU USELESS ASEXUAL this is so cute

so they go back and forth with some banter “girls rank higher” “cats rank highest” and she never does tell him what his color is but THEN

“For the record,” Takumi said, making her look up. “I think you’re very, very cute, too.” 

[DEEP BREATH] BOY

listen is he SMOOTH god damn

He smiled, took one step before turning back. “I realize that could have been construed as sexual harassment. I’m sorry. You said it about Essie and, uh, yeah. I’m sorry.”

Alice, who had entered a slight state of shock, managed to say, “It’s okay,” without smiling hard enough to make her cheeks hurt, but, oh Good Lord, was it coming.

and a gentleman omg

chapter 11:

“Don’t you get it? This is good! I need to know things like this. You’re making progress, but I can’t help you if you withhold information from me. He thinks you’re cute and admitted it. That’s like steps one through three already done.”

“So? I think he’s cute, too. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I think it does.”

“Well, I’ve decided it doesn’t. Mind over matter.”

“Okay, so you don’t want to get to know him?” Feenie poked Alice in the cheek and left her finger there. “I’m getting confused.”

“Because it is confusing. I don’t really want to deal with it,” Alice admitted, feeling wearier by the second. “Why are you so into this?”

GURL LITERALLY SLOW UR ROLL

oh shit lmao:

A big part of Feenie felt like she was missing out on the dating world and was scared to admit that to Ryan. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make him think she didn’t want to marry him. If living vicariously through Alice’s predicament helped Feenie feel fulfilled, Alice was willing to share this experience with her.

It was the least she could do for the one friend who had always stood up for her.

yikes thats not a good dynamic yikes

so anyway alice is going to therapy and:

“Yeah. Well, I have a problem,” she said. “It’s not really a problem, I guess? I’ve been dealing with it, dealt with it really. Did the whole coming to terms with it thing in high school, you know. Got my experimenting phase out of the way, and I’ve sort of lived my life since then, learning to work around everyone else’s perceptions of how I should be. Everything was great. Fine. I was happy most of the time.”

“And now you’re not,” he prompted. He tilted his head to the side.

“I wouldn’t say I’m unhappy, but I am confused.” She swallowed hard. Her jaw ached. “I don’t … experience … you know, I’m not sexually attracted to … boys.”

His face remained blank except for a small, encouraging smile. Alice practically saw the word LESBIAN flashing in his eyes.

“Or girls,” she continued. “Or anyone.”

And there it was. A subtle lifting of his eyebrows, one blink too many, the corners of his mouth evening out.

“While it’s rare, it’s not uncommon.”

Great. Rare. That was the exact opposite of comforting.

“There is a name for it,” he said. “Do you know what that’s called?”

“I do.” Alice fidgeted in her seat. “That’s how I identify. That word.”

WHAT A MOOD...man when you dont feel anything for any gender it’s so easy to assume, first, that you’re gay bc boys don’t do it for you, then that you’re bi because girls dont either and if you feel the same way about both that’s bi, right? from ages 13-17ish i was fully convinced i was bi

also like lmao “oh..............that’s kinda weird” as a reaction literally that’s where the Dread lies i love also that she can’t spit it out, but at least he knows there’s word

you know not to be like this but damn raphael sure had some gusto to say it to isabelle’s face right in the middle of nearly making out i probably would have rabbit froze

“You seem to be uncomfortable saying that word, and if it’s okay with you, I’m going to say it. I think you know what I’m talking about.”

“It’s fine.”

alice is so far from fine lmao

“Asexuality isn’t something that’s black or white. There is a multitude of shades of gray in between. Being potentially sexually attracted to one particular person isn’t as outlandish as you’ve convinced yourself it is.”

“I know that stuff. There’s this thing called the Internet, and it’s quite handy,”

i love alice she takes absolutely no BS i love this anti-vocabulary-lesson view on things im cackling

“I don’t think I’m being clear. Everyone talks about sex like it’s the greatest thing ever in the history of all the things, and I don’t get it. I kept waiting to want to do it, to not have to be convinced all the time, to even think about it and it just never happens. But like, even knowing that I knew I could get aroused—I’ve experienced it before. That was just the first time it happened because of another person and I didn’t even think about sex. My friend brought it up later. None of this makes sense and I need it to.”

“Why?”

“Because how else will I ever—”

Alice snapped her mouth shut, promptly staring at her feet.

“Ever what?” he asked gently.

Alice closed her eyes. “Look, I know all of this. I’ve read books and articles and websites. I know what asexuality is and isn’t.” She opened her eyes, staring at the couch, defeated. “What I don’t get is why this is happening to me now? I figured all of this out years ago and now all of a sudden, I’m changing? How am I ever going to explain this to anyone?”

...................oh

“But you know!” she said. “You get it. I’m not trying to trivialize anyone else and what they have to do, but if I go to my parents and say I’m a lesbian, they would know what I meant. If I went to my siblings and said I’m bisexual, they would know what I meant. If I tell anyone I’m asexual, they’re going to look at me like there’s something wrong. They’re going to tell me to go to a doctor. They’re going to tell me I’m too young to know what I want or I’m still developing. Or they’ll tell me how important sex is to finding a good man. Or they’ll think they can fix me, that I’m lying because I don’t want to sleep with them. It’s hard enough trying to explain that word, so how in the hell am I going to explain I’m biromantic asexual? They’re really going to think I’m making this shit up.”

WOW

OKAY THEN

jesus christ god damn

haha man this book goes from chill to no-holds-barred on a DIME it is absolutely wild

look i literally do have an entire post about this on my main which is way more rambly and less concise but i feel this deep, deep down in my soul - you literally CAN’T come out as ace without having to explain it, much less some wacky variation of it

“You’re worried whomever you choose to tell won’t believe you. That’s important to you?”

“Of course it is. How would you feel if you exposed your identity and the world pointed, laughed, and called you a liar to your face? Would you ever want to do that again? How am I supposed to have any kind of romantic relationship with someone if I feel like I can’t tell them the truth?

“My girlfriend broke up with me because she thought that since I didn’t desire her, I wouldn’t be able to love her, which is not true at all. I am very loving. I cry at the end of romcoms. My favorite movie is Splash. I want someone to give me flowers and take me on dates. I want to fall in love and wear a giant princess dress at my wedding. I want to have a happy ending, too, and all that other magical stuff. I want what books and TV and the world has promised me. It’s not fair that I should have to want sex to have it.”

i am FULLY SOBBING

hhoholy shit!!!!

i had to stop and mop up my face lmao

Dr. Burris passed her a tissue box.

fuck!!!!! mood!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He folded his hands, placing them in his lap. Calm. Serene. “This isn’t something where I can tell you to go read a book and it will methodically list the steps of how to come out. It is a personal and individualized experience. My advice to you is to be prepared to educate. It may feel unfair that the onus of that responsibility will fall on you, but when most people think the A stands for Ally, you will have to speak louder, with bravery and dignity, to be heard. You will have to be willing to inform and to educate. And you will have to know when it is time to remove yourself from situations and disconnect from those who either do not understand or are unwilling to. You have to do what is right for you.”

htis is literally me right now!! me @ this therapist: UR RIGHT!! UR RIGHT THO

Alice knew he had spoken the truth. Everything would boil down to her having to speak up.

Those were not the words she wanted to hear. It made her tremble inside. Her jaw locked into place, teeth grinding and vibrating in her skull.

Sam hadn’t bothered to ask.

Margot couldn’t be bothered to try to understand.

Alice didn’t want to go through that again. How would she ever explain to the one person she might possibly be sexually attracted to that she was asexual? How would she explain to the next person that it was maybe possible her body could experience attraction, but she wasn’t attracted to them?

THEY DIDN’T BOTHER...look, don’t we just all want to be understood...i’m fully weeping, alice is asking herself some big questions and i couldn’t be more here for it

that’s the end of the chapter i gotta take a break before i pass out sdkfjgh