#awena-sachi

[beardofkamenev]

9, 28, and 30: If you could have a regular conversation with any historical figure, who would it be?

Thanks for the ask and also for the creative original question!

9. Favourite historical film?

Answered here!

28. Do you have a favourite “dream team” of historical figures living at the same time in a specific era of history?

I’ve never actually thought about this before lol. I’m sure the First and Second Roman Triumvirates definitely constitute a historical “dream team”, but unfortunately I don’t know enough about those periods to talk about them properly. The only other “dream team” that really comes to mind is Margaret Beaufort, Elizabeth Woodville, and Elizabeth of York (Henry VII’s mother, mother-in-law, and wife respectively). We know both Margaret Beaufort and Elizabeth Woodville conspired to overthrow Richard III and place their children on the throne, and succeeded against all the odds. And far from them having an antagonistic relationship, it appears that the three complemented each other very well: Elizabeth Woodville went into voluntary retirement at Bermondsey in early 1487 but often attended her daughter at court until her death, while Margaret deserves much credit for her royal Ordinances, much of which was designed with the Queen’s health and comfort in mind.

I think far too much is made of a supposed “rivalry” between the three, which is probably the result of modern women projecting their own problems with their mothers and mothers-in-law onto 15th century relationships. There’s really no reliable contemporary evidence of such a rivalry, much less David Starkey’s view that Margaret was “the mother-in-law from hell”, or that Elizabeth Woodville worked tirelessly to overthrow her son-in-law in favour of... her enemy’s grandson? It may very well be that Elizabeth of York felt that Margaret’s influence was overbearing at times, but she may have also felt grateful for this older and more experienced woman’s guidance, particularly when it came to ridding herself of unwanted guests — one John Hewyk complained that “he had spoken with the Queen’s Grace and should have spoken more with her said Grace, had not been for that strong whore the King’s mother”; Elizabeth of York, reportedly very gracious, perhaps required Margaret’s strong personality to remove this “foul-mouthed, opportunistic servant” from her presence (Arlene Naylor Okerlund: 2009). Only Elizabeth of York knew exactly how she felt about her mother-in-law, and she did not make her thoughts public.

30. If you could have a regular conversation with any historical figure, who would it be?

While Henry VII is one of my historical faves and was reportedly easy to talk to with a wicked sense of humour, I have absolutely zero desire to talk to any kind of royal. I’d probably be on edge the entire time trying not to accidentally contravene some stupid lese majesté law, which doesn’t make for an enjoyable conversation. I'm also very outspoken and staunchly anti-monarchist, so I know for a fact I’d offend him with my insolence and loony lefty views lol. Realistically, I’d probably want to have a conversation with Voltaire. Like Henry VII, he also had a wicked sense of humour and was extremely intelligent, but unlike Henry VII, conversing with Voltaire wouldn’t bring the risk of having my head chopped off. I’m definitely not as witty as he was, but I think we’d have some fun debates on things like religion, philosophy, and politics.

(The history ask meme is still open!)

[feuillesmortes]

Happy birthday! 🌹🎂✨

Thank you so much! I finally had some cake, yeay 🎂💕✨ 

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

Like there is literally SO MUCH wrong with twilight, people seem to forget the reason why people started hating it so much specifically was because of how abusive Edward was towards Bella and how this was romanticized. And that's not even the half of it! It was never just because of hating something girls liked, that was a very minor thing at the end of it. There was the creepy pedophilia, the racism, the total rewriting of Quileute mythology and screwing them over without them recieving a dime of compensation, the weird prolife propaganda, the weird Mormonism. And people STILL wont listen to Natives when we say there's racism. There's too much to "forgive". White people might be able to forgive Smeyer, but I can't

[merida-straighthair]

.3.

I actually got another one woooowies!! uwu

What time is it where you are?I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel roadDon't panicMaybe this could be the line that starts the whole storyYou, you walked into the room

Send me a •3• and I will put my playlist on shuffle, write down the first line of five songs and give it to you as a poem.

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

I still can’t believe that fanfiction is free

I sometimes have to pay for water, but with a phone and some wifi, I get to read whole novels about my favorite characters for exactly zero additional dollars

How goddamn rad is that

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

the twilight series suddenly makes 100% more sense if you read them under a specific premise that, i contend, is heavily supported by the text:

Much like Amy’s diary in Gone Girl, the books in the Twilight Saga are verbatim reproductions of in-universe diary entries carefully and deliberately created and curated by badass unreliable narrator Bella Swan as a means to achieve immortality.

Prerequisite assumptions:

1) Bella actively and persistently wants to become a vampire, both diagetically and (I contend) non-diagetically. The average vampire novel format often fails to capture realistic human behavior in one highly specific area: the protagonists are frequently mortals who grapple with the choice of whether to become a vampire. This is stupid, because being a vampire would obviously be dope as hell; particularly in the Twilight Universe, where vampires are not required to take a human life to survive, and indeed, have the capacity to live full and rewarding lives while integrated* into the human community.

(*integrated-ish; see Assumption 6)

2. There are too many coincidences for Bella to have encountered the Cullens by sheer chance, only to be the ONE person that Edward can’t live without (due largely to the novelty factor of not being able to read her ding-dang thoughts.)

3. Diagetically, the Volturi don’t even know Bella’s psyonic gifts until New Moon, but we also know that the Volturi scour the globe for recruits to enlist into the protection of their governing body.

4. Nobody wants to be a voiceless cog in a bureaucracy.

5. Nobody, and especially nobody in high school, wants to be a high school student forever.

6. Vampires in twilight are, as a group, cartoonishly terrible at disguising their true nature.

7. Forks is a backwater town approximately 3.5 hours away from the biotech hub of Seattle.

7. George W. Bush and Dick Cheney can eat my farts and they deserve to be preserved in this snapshot of an innocent author’s mind slowly unraveling.

Proposed timeline:

In 1993, there is a key system meltdown at a improvised biohacking startup in Seattle, rendering all innovative genetic modification experiments into a puddle of brown sludge that nobody can figure out how to dispose of per Federal regs, since they don’t even know what it is.

The broke founder of the startup, who for the purposes of this timeline I will call Jeff Bezos because that’s who it was, eventually grows tired of all the discussion about what to do, and just pops it in a barrel, drives a few hours out of town, and dumps it in a pond.

Bella Swan, a small child, is hanging out at a park with her family friend Jacob Black (and a ton of his friends) when they all decide to wade in a slightly murky pond. Thereafter, they are transformed.

Bella grows up as a normal, highly powerful mutant with a +20 to deception checks and wisdom saves. She lives in Arizona, but up until 2002, summers in Forks. While in Forks, she picks up on the local lore about a family of vampires who don’t eat people.

Because Forks (population: 17 + Charlie’s mustache) is boring, Bella bones up on the only interesting thing about it, i.e. Vampire Hometown baybeeeee.

In 2000, George W. Bush gets elected president, and his evangelical politics and general bumbling ineptitude informs Bella’s opinions on authoritative governmental entities.

In 2001, the Cullens make their intention to move back to Forks known, but they take a while because they need to pack all their stupid graduation hats and volvos, etc.

Later in 2001, a psychic Volturi scout rolls through Forks to ensure that nobody within living memory recalls the Cullens, and notices an anomaly in the psychic field.

The scout goes to confront Bella about joining the Volturi, and Bella immediately clocks him as a vampire, because vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human. This leaves the scout in a bind: she’s too valuable to kill, but she’s a pre-teen, and therefore too young to be transformed per Volturi authority.

The scout warns her he’ll have to kill her if she discusses the existence of vampires with any human. He then tells her he’ll be back in five years, and begins to sweet talk her on how good life will be when she’s a vampire, beautiful, immortal, powerful, etc. Bella asks if she has to kill, and dude says “nah, actually there’s a bunch of vegetarian vampires who are moving back here soon. Fucking nerds, but otherwise they’re doing well.” Bella is all about becoming a vampire, because Bella is a rational actor.

Bella moves to Arizona, and as the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq are unjustifiedly initiated, she recognizes that while she DOES want to be a vampire, she does NOT want to be a foot soldier in any war that she can’t support. She needs a plan.

In 2004, Bella is watching her step-dad’s minor league baseball game when it occurs to her. On her own, she’s a target for the Volturi, but if she had some people to watch her back, she might be okay. Of course, nobody fucks with the Volturi on behalf of some rando human. She’ll need to con her way into a coven who’ll have her back and also give her that +10 to constitution via vampiric transformation, which she desperately wants because she’s a rational actor. And where are the non-volturi vampires that might have her back? Fucking Forks.

Bella moves to Forks in 2004, and upon seeing the Cullens, she immediately clocks them as vampires even though they left their “we’re all vampires” booty shorts at home, because, as previously discussed, vampires in the Twilight Universe fucking suck at looking/acting human.

Bella notes that all the vampires but one are paired off in heterosexual bliss, and takes note of the straggler as a potential vehicle to vampyrdom.

Bella figures out that Eddie can read everyone’s mind but hers, because Edward Cullen fucking sucks at looking/acting like a human who can’t read minds. Bella further observes that Eddie has a huge undead boner for her.

She’s found her mark. Now she just needs to convince him that she’s better off as part of the coven than on her own. Problem: Eddie’s a self-pitying insufferably guilt-striken perpetual adolescent who keeps himself busy by feeling sorry for himself because he’s a vampire, angst angst angst etc etc. Also, I think he’s Catholic, so add some more guilt in. She’ll have to win him over by convincing him that they’re destined to be soulmates.

What does a vampire used to having complete insight into everyone’s mind but his crush’s want? A method to know what she really thinks of him. Bella begins writing a “diary” knowing that there’s no way in hell Eddie won’t sneak in and read it. So she Gone Girls it, and begins to lay a trap to lure him in. That first diary? Twilight.

This was just in the movie but a stoner chases her around with a worm on a stick. Nothing to do with this theory, I just like that part of the movie. Where’s my spinoff about that guy?

Eddie won’t give Bella what she wants (eternal life) by the end of book 1, even though she asks him to EXTREMELY POLITELY. Time to hit the diary with some more promises of undying love.

Bella reconnects with her old friend Jacob and the rest of the Mutated By Jeff Bezos Boys. Alas, they cannot turn her into a physically powerful sexy immortal with a bite, so she’s still stuck with plan A) win over a whole family of vampires with big Mormon energy. It’s the long con.

Edward’s angst abruptly takes a swing towards terminal. He’s absolutely your classic sadboy, perhaps because Bella now has one (1) friend that he knows about.

When Eddie begins to drift away on account of Angst, Bella conjurs up a secondary love interest who, coincidentally, is ALSO a sexy supernatural entity, and is much less coincidentally just Jacob.

We should establish here that Edward is like a 107 year old white dude and so even though Diary!Bella pretends not to see it, Metatextual Frame Story!Bella knows that dude is super racist.

Jacob Black is three things: 1. Like Bella, a mutant (although one with shapeshifting abilities), 2.one of Bella’s oldest and most trusted confidants, and 3. down to clown on an elderly teenage vampire who keeps stereotyping him. Sure, says Jacob, I’ll take the form of a werewolf. He seriously thinks we’re all just beastmen, huh? Hey look at me now, I’m Regis Philbin because this is 2005 and Who Wants to be a Millionaire is still sort of relevant. Sick.

Edward does not like that Bella has one (1) other friend. Bella and Jacob plot to use this to their advantage and lure Edward back on the wings of jealousy.

Eddie gets himself into trouble on account of Angst and poor communication, so Bella has to go rescue him from himself/the Volturi.

Aro finally meets her and gets to test her powers, which impress him. Now she’s back on the fucking radar.

I forget everything that happens in Eclipse, so i have chosen to omit that part.

Eventually she extracts a quid pro quo from Eddie; i’ll marry you if you turn me into a dracula.

We don’t really call ourselves that, Wet Blanket Cullen replies, entirely earnestly.

Bella gets married at 18 in 2006, and Eddie starts to backtrack his promise about changing her. This won’t stand.

Well, look, he’s an elderly guilty catholic/mormon teen who probably still uses super racist terms, but she’s stuck on honeymoon island, he has certain angles that work for him, and seriously what are they gonna do but fuck? Bella’s alternative is listening to her “husband” drone on about his interests, which are almost certainly Car, How Do I Post a Minion Picture on Facebook, and Licorice Used To Be a Lot Cheaper in the Good Old Days.

Whoops a fetus.

Bella recognizes that she’s GOT to have this baby: time’s running out, and Bella knows that at least two of the Vamps in her coven will cut ties if she terminates or otherwise fails to carry this baby to term because of the conservative religious subtext. She’s going to have to stick it out for 9 months, even though it’s a risky call.

Bella gets what she wants after giving birth. “My time as a human is over, but I've never felt more alive. I was born to be a vampire.” That’s a direct quote. Except now she’s got a (pretty cute and easy) baby that she desperately wants to protect from Turning Into A Vaguely Religious Cullen Dressed Head To Toe In Cream Colored Wool.

Bella decides to fake her own death and escape with the kid and Jake so they can form i guess a detective agency. Bella will get “killed” by the Volturi, move to Sydney, and open up shop, and Jake will take the kid after her a few months later.

They’re gonna need a reason why Jake gets the kid though, and there’s only one reason to do anything amongst the Cullens: a heterosexual love interest with a super problematic age gap.

Jesus, Jake sighs, is Eddie really going to believe I’m in romantic love with your actual infant? Does he really think that little of me?

Yup.

Bella tries to draw the Volturi’s attention.

Works too well.

The Cullens call up all their vague acquaintances, who are at least kind of fun. Particularly that one dude who keeps getting angry about British conduct during the American Revolution.

Well, fuck, now the Volturi are bringing an army to fight their ragtag army of Vampires Who Are Cool And Interesting Enough That We Can Safely Presume They Are All Definitely Gay. Bella can’t let those guys die, they’re the first actually compelling vampires she’s ever talked to.

Bella saves the day because she’s OP.

All the Cool Vamps start packing up to leave and Bellz almost goes with them, but the Cullens would just keep sending missionaries after her if they knew.

Bella finishes her fourth journal with the vague warning that the Volturi are still out there somewhere and they miiiight just try and get her.

Two days later, she stages a scuffle and gets the fork out of Fucks. Her journals are the only clue.

Sirius Black and baby nessie follow once edward has stopped sobbing into his cream colored sweater and moved on to Extended Power Pouting.

Bella recruits her own army of fledglings.

Bella stages a coup against the Volturi and succeeds.

Bella sits on the iron throne with a hot lady vampire on each knee and they all kiss and stuff.

Nessie I guess forms a post punk band?

Edward dies from aspiration of a brussel sprout that he ate because he just wanted to feel something.

Charlie and Billy get married.

Charlie’s mustache develops a cult instagram following, providing them with a modest retirement income.

Jacob shapeshifts into Bill Murray and is always crashing weddings.

Bella’s stepdad is off in the B plot this whole time winning the world series with the help of a kooky angel.

There. Fixed. My soul is at rest.

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

“Fan fiction is a way of the culture repairing the damage done in a system where contemporary myths are owned by corporations instead of by the folk.”

— Henry Jenkins (Director of media studies at MIT)

LOVE THIS.

(via flootzavut)

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

I made a Penumbra Podcast personality quiz! Tag yourself, I got Peter.

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

Treasure Planet (2002), dir. Ron Clements and John Musker

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

Elizabethan Peasant 1: Look yonder! Someone has writ upon that ceiling that thou art most easily gulled!

Elizabethan Peasant 2: More fool they, for I cannot read.

Elizabethan Peasant 1: *sighing, lowers his visage unto his palm*

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

So my mom sent me this, and I felt attacked while reading it.

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

sometimes I hate how much modern clothing is determined to show women’s bodies

like if it’s not skimpy, it’s skin-tight- leggings, skinny jeans, bodycon dresses, etc.

doing historical costuming has made me hyper-aware of just how “on display” my body is when I’m wearing normal modern outfits, and it affects my behavior. don’t bend over to pick things up at work because men will stare at your ass. sit differently so you don’t show stomach rolls. a guy running a pop-up stand next to my shop commented so much on how I had “great legs” that I didn’t wear leggings and skirts- one of my favorite winter outfit combinations -for the rest of the season

there’s a certain freedom in medium-to-long skirts and skirt supports, I find: the freedom to define what people see of my body. men won’t stop being creepy no matter what women wear, but I like that kind of dramatic body re-framing. you don’t get to see my legs and hips, Creepy Guys. you get to see a massive bell skirt, or a bustle, or an upended trumpet flower shape. my body is to be seen only by those I’ve chosen to trust, not the world at large

of course, empowerment is different for different women. some feel comfortable and powerful showing as much of their shape as possible, and I applaud them in doing exactly that. what pisses me off is the pressure from the fashion industry for all of us to be empowered by the same thing…a thing that just so happens to tie in with the diet industry and the cosmetics industry. it’s easier to sell the idea that you have to be hairless and smooth and thin and blemish-free when it’s all on display

sometimes I just wish I could go about in a hoop skirt and a t-shirt that says “fuck off” in delicate script

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi @nijixrainbow

The writer: introduces a new OC

The older OC’s: Talking to the new character. “Okay, here’s the deal. You’re going to be traumatized. People will die. You will suffer. You’ll contemplate your existence with every new page the writer makes, and it won’t be fun. But don’t worry, you’ll always have us.”

The new OC: “um…”

The older characters: “until some of us die, that is.”

[asexualsoup]

@awena-sachi

stop putting stem and arts majors against each other!! they are partners and they are in love!!