#ava incoherently rambles

[jellyfemmes]

We’re all wearing bunny ears at work. It’s pretty funny actually. Everyone seems more eager to talk to me cause I must have a sense of humor or a happy personality to be wearing those.

I have a resting bitch face, and I tend to frown or look serious. I wish I couldn’t cause the amount of times I’m told to smile is fucking ridiculous. (Women say it too, if you can believe that).

It just takes so much effort to have an outgoing personality with every customer. I can down an energy drink and get chatty for a few hours, but since I work evenings, it’s not easy to initiate.

When I work afternoons, like today, and see the day crew and how outgoing and smiley they all are, it surprises me. Everyone comes up and says hi, says its good to see me, and says bye when they clock out and leave.

It’s quite different from the night crew. We’re all tired, miserable, and have a darker sense of humor. None of us really want to be here or talk to other people. I don’t really consider myself part of that group, but maybe that’s just how I appear.

Don’t know where I’m going with this. I just thought it was interesting how I’m treated differently while wearing bunny ears. Working nights suits me, but I think I want to start giving day shifts a try. Fitting into the energetic crowd for a few hours isn’t so bad.

[jtl07]

jt (finally) watches warrior nun - s1 e8 (pt 1?)

Gonna leave my criticisms out of this post (not a lot but some key ones, namely how the scenes were cut grr) but gosh, watching the scenes with Sister Melanie’s story and Beatrice’s revelation just hit different when seen in context.

There’s so much I could say about this episode and even those two scenes alone (I'm also considering a second post about touch) but the main thing I want to talk about here is Beatrice’s revelation - how that was set up and also adding a layer from an Asian perspective.

So I’ve mentioned before that I’ve seen clips of these scenes already, but again, I hadn’t seen it in context of the other episodes - or even this episode as a whole. What struck me initially was how Beatrice’s revelation is set up and how much of KTY’s physicality plays into this (Alba's as well, but I'm going to focus on Beatrice here).

When Beatrice first explains that Sister Melanie was a lesbian, not only do we get Beatrice doing this little nervous rocking and that small, tight smile, but she also angles her head away from Ava, as if not wanting Ava to see her face - and maybe even so she didn’t have to see Ava either. But that changes as the story goes on.

(first, when Beatrice starts reading, she's angled away; soon after, she's angled differently)

Yes, there’s probably camera reasons for this, and yes, it’s also because she’d turned the page, but I couldn’t help but notice that this coincides with Beatrice reading the lines “I let him see it; I wanted him to” - and what that immediately made me think was maybe, just maybe, there was a part of Bea that also wanted Ava to see: to see her.

And she gets what she - perhaps subconsciously - wants in Ava calling her out. Which is a tense but beautiful moment in itself. And I have to fall back to e3 and how the cafeteria scene and the hallway scene really built the foundation for these future interactions. The way I see it, Beatrice has only shown Ava kindness - yes, she may have been stern initially in the cafeteria but even that was framed as advice, as Beatrice helping Ava. But now all of a sudden, Beatrice has turned on her, cutting her down in a way Ava’s never experienced from her before, and Ava knows something’s wrong.

And the the thing is, calling someone out like that is an act of vulnerability too. It shows a knowing of the other person, and also a hope, a trust in the other person - “hey I’m on your side, but you’re hurting me; I want to help, but you’ve got to retract the claws.”

And gosh, the way Beatrice physically reels back, as if shocked back into her senses (again, a moment of her being blinded by her emotions, namely anger). To me, I read this as her being shocked, maybe even ashamed by the fact that she’d hurt Ava.

Because for all her skills - deadly and otherwise - Beatrice doesn’t come off as someone who wants to choose the harsh, painful way. When folks are in pain, her instinct is to soothe, comfort, reassure. She’ll choose violence if necessary, but it’s not her first choice. For Beatrice, violence was learned. Which leads me to the line that has got me in a chokehold.

Pain is what made me a sister warrior.

First, can we just take a moment to hold on Beatrice’s expression here? How haunted and hollow she feels here - again, KTY deserves all the props for this scene.

Second and mostly, look at the phrasing of this line. What you’d expect, or what we most commonly hear is this: “Pain is what made me who I am.” But note that Beatrice says instead, “sister warrior” - a role, a title, anonymous, interchangeable. There’s no acknowledgement of self here - in fact, it almost sounds like a hardening of self, a giving up of self. It’s that idea I keep going back to of Beatrice constantly devaluing herself - and we understand here that it’s because of the hate she has for herself, the hate that she learned from the pain she experienced.

The thing is, she didn’t learn this in a vacuum. As in: This was a lesson taught to her by her parents, but was also taught to her parents as well. As in: I couldn’t help but see this from an Asian perspective, how you are punished for being different for things beyond your control, and how desperately, painfully, many Asians try to be “normal.” And how that's taught to you by your parents because they were taught it themselves, either by their parents or by experience. Where the ability to - and success in being able to - conform, “fall in line” often means the difference between life and death.

Let me be clear, I’m not trying to justify Beatrice’s parents actions at all. I’m just trying to add to this the idea that there are also things even bigger than Beatrice and her parents - it’s generational trauma that is literally built into our DNA.

To me, this is why it makes sense that Beatrice goes through such a hard time in s2, grappling with her instinctive choice to save Ava instead of focusing on/keeping to the mission. She’s not only fighting what she’s learned in her lifetime: she has to fight against what has been programmed into her entire lineage. Beatrice says in e7 that she “joined the OCS to save [her] eternal soul” - for many Asians, our ancestors have been told that over and over again by the church. That the only path to rest, to salvation, to peace was sacrifice and pain. And in many cases, that’s been used to continue to manipulate us, to keep us out of places of power, to make us “fall in line” and not buck the status quo. (And note that every time Beatrice has done any of these things, she has suffered heavily for it.)

But this is also what makes Ava’s response all the more meaningful. By telling Beatrice not to hate herself, she’s helping stop and undo what is likely generations of pain - and likely for the very first time. “Don’t hate what you are,” Ava says, and I couldn’t help but also hear: “Don’t hate what brought you here.” Because yes, all of that programming is unhealthy and horrible but it also is what kept Beatrice - and the generations before her - alive. And just because she’s flipping the script doesn’t mean she’s being disloyal to what they’ve done for her. Instead, it’s a way to honor them, and to honor herself.

Perhaps also this is why Beatrice has such a proud smile at the end of the episode when Ava proclaims herself as the last warrior nun. In a way, the warrior nuns have a similar history of “generational” trauma, full of pain and unfulfilled lives. And here too, as with Beatrice, Ava refuses to let it continue for her own self. It’s both a “let it end with me” and a “let it begin with me” - let the pain, hatred, and death end with me; let the healing, love, and life begin with me.

Okay I'm going to end this here because it just gets me emotional to think about all of this - lmk if y'all have other thoughts, otherwise I'll continue pondering a part two.

[murderandjambalaya]

Tumblr is so crazy cuz I’ll see a piece of art for one specific fic I rlly like then go oh u like this too I will now look at ur blog and stim and they WROTE the fic??? Like;;; IVE FOUND THE AUTHOR OF THE JOURNALS!! IVE FOUND YOU YOU BASTARD!!!! Then proceed to follow them around and ask too many of my annoying little questions bc I like ur writing, woe be upon ye

[greenorangevioletgrass]

thots as i listen (perfectly timed as my bf left for a family thing this weekend and i can freely relive my past doomed relationship hahah):

fortnight: ahhh yes. the span of my 5-year relationship fizzling out on two different islands. bliss. what about your quiet treason??? sdkjfhksjdhf

ttpd: "you're not dylan thomas, im not patti smith / this ain't the chelsea hotel, we're modern idiots" is so real bc i WAS obsessed with patti smith and we did take ourselves (and our art, bleargh) too seriously)

my boy only breaks his favorite toys: ehehehe the "long story short" melodic parallel in the chorus. the way she plays it off like he's a fucking child, but "once i fix me, he's gonna miss me"??? FUCK OFF STOP READING MY LIFE STORY TAYLOR?? i started crying here bye

down bad: no bc the matty parralel with Z is INSANE. like how did i feel emptier than i thought i did? HOW DARE YOU THINK IT'S ROMANTIC LEAVING ME SAFE AND STRANDED? is a mood and a half.

so long london: THAT INTRO! AAAAHHH! can't say no to some good vocal layers. this is giving very early days lana del rey? trust in aaron dessner for tracks like these. and that bridge?? fuck me.

but daddy i love him: country vibes! the chorus feels like a mouthful, though? bahahahahah "i'm having his baby / no i'm not but you should've seen your faces" again, the bridge is bridging!

fresh out the slammer: oop i hear a hint of "long live"? the friends seeing the red flags way before she did 🤡 whoa, the OUTRO??? we're winding down! BUT ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT, I DID MY TIME 🥺

florida!!!: the three exclamation marks is called for, that's for sure!!! oh my god, this is probably my favorite track so far.

guilty as sin?: im loving the use of intros and outros here in this album. this is beautiful, but i also feel like throwing up thinking the long, stretched-out tension z and i had before we finally hooked up? "am i allowed to cry" for this song is sooo perfect.

who's afraid of little old me: this is very much giving lana del rey's early stuff?? i love this. i was a MESS here considering all the shitstorm i went through in that island and coming back from it. "you caged me and then you called me crazy" ha!

i can fix him: pls more bluegrassy, americana shit like this 🙏🙏 also stopppp bc this is exactly the kind of music D plays and i was convinced i can fix him lmaoooo

loml: "still alive, killing time at the cemetery / never quite buried" AND THE REAL KICKER IS I SPENT THAT WHOLE FIRST WEEK IN A BURIAL GROUND AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH 😭😭

i can do it with a broken heart: THE MASTERMIND LOOP PARALLEL!!!!! what in the jack antonoff??? deffo an addition to the tour setlist im willing to bet my left NUT

the smallest man who ever lived: i just know it's aaron dessner producing right away lol. bruh she went for the THROAT here. (also it's a running joke now that D is short af lmao) THE THIRD VERSE??? it feels like going off on a tangent, but maybe that's the point?

the alchemy: fuck yeaaah! it's giving slow-motion, big moment ending of a movie scene. maybe a hint of "suburban legends"? god i can't wait to see this song performed live!

clara bow: the childlike optimism here... i'm bawling my eyes out.

the black dog: ...no words. im just crying. i remember this all to well hah.

imgonnagetyouback: heh "gold rush" parallel. this one makes me smile. reminds me of long aimless drives and tumbling into our hotel bed, not knowing what we are.

the albatross: im humming "ivy" as i listen lol. holy fuck dude, side B is slowly segueing into my current relationship--or the start of it 😬 mom pick me up im scared

chloe or sam or sophia or marcus: nope we're back to D hahahah. MAROON REFERENCE!!

how did it end: this is the face i made throughout this song 🙂🙂🙂 this is fine i'm fine

so high school: i'm surprised aaron took this on, but then again i shouldn't presume? OH WAIT yeah i get it. another happy song! ahhh! GET MY CAR DOOR SDKJFHSKDJHF i never touched a single car door when im with my bf this past year and a half lmao. it's giving "long live" and im mad cheesin!

i hate it here: ohhh it's giving laura marling! I CAN RELATE!!!

thanK you aIMee: holy shit, it just dawned on me... did i have a reputation era late 2022?? but anyway. i like this! this one is for the girlies healing ✌

i look in people's windows: guys im so INSPIRED right now i need to pick up my pen and paper after this. it's giving "death by a thousand cuts" ish??

the prophecy: toit chorus??? love. im generally loving the B-side tracks more now that i think about it...

cassandra: this is too fucking close imma throw up bye

peter: 3/4 time is always soooo dreamy ✨ and so heartbreaking! it's giving a mellowed out, more contemplative "i bet you think about me".

the bolter: again, very lana!! off to the races! good vibes.

robin: this felt like a hug 🥺🥺 im crying but what's new.

the manuscript: i am sobbing. this is the perfect closing track. "now and then i reread the manuscript / but the story isn't mine anymore" taylor you genius and i thank you for this.

regardless of who ttpd is about, im gonna listen to it for the first time as a girl who was in a delulu-ridden relationship for nearly 5 years and then had an epic breakup at a big step of my career, then fucked around with a questionable rebound guy, before finally finding myself a kind and beautiful man who i love and loves me and treats me the way i deserve to be treated 🫶

[under-lok-n-ki]

Captain Ava & Captain Lizzie

literally cannot wait until we get more development on this plot bc it’s so so good

also I got around to listening to the Black Rose One-shot and Lizzie was originally blonde??? ik her design was changed a lot during the campaign in general but I’m deciding to play around with that info—I’m thinking she started dying it after joining Shadowbeard’s crew

anyways thoughts I had about Ava/the Ferin’s while designing her (possible spoilers or maybe just incoherent rambling):

gave her a rifle bc I feel like she’d have sharpshooting capabilities on par with Drey, but a pistol just didn’t seem appropriate for her. but I also see her favoring close-range attacks so she also gets a big knife as a treat

I think it’s mentioned in an episode how Jay looks more like their mother, May, so personally I think Ava resembles Jayson much more with certain aspects (specifically height, nose shape, eye color, hair ‘style’— Jay got his more square-ish face shape and broad build; they both have the same eye shape)

expanding on that fiery hair ‘style’ thing— I’m thinking that’s smthn that just kinda comes with the Ferin abilities and I’m thinking those powers need to be unlocked in a way?? there’s no other reason I can think of as to why Jayson has the flaming hair and specific magic skills while Jay doesn’t, so I’m thinking Ava may have been more in-tune with/naturally drawn towards the Ferin magic (esp since we see her using that golden form during the animatic sequence in ep101) while Jay become more influenced by May’s magic (since I think she spent the most time with her esp after Ava’s death). maybe Jay and Drey suppress their Ferin abilities (Drey def intentionally, Jay maybe a bit unintentionally?) and it could kinda explain why Jay has special blood: she’s a mix of two [supposedly] powerful magical heritages

I also have this thought that Ava may have unlocked these powers earlier than most of the Ferin’s, resulting in a fate similar to Gillion’s where she was regarded with pride for this yet constantly pressured and trained into becoming a weapon for the Navy (perhaps by request of Grandma Fey, who seems to be a very controlling character and could be the reason Jayson acts so cold and ruthless). and when she failed to uphold their beliefs that’s when The Order was given (maybe they found out about her & Lizzie???)

BUT in comparison to Jayson who absorbed himself in his work, and Gillion who was forcibly separated from his family, Ava was able to visit home often and had May and Jay to lean on as a support system. that connection alone could’ve helped separate the brutality and violence of her work in the Navy from her actual personality—the one that she became admired for and the one Lizzie was drawn to. it could also be speculated that she had the same ideas as Kira and Jay: that she could make the Navy better from the inside (obv this would be more difficult if she was held to high expectations, but she could’ve been on her way to making it work)

speaking of Jay—I think I remember a moment where someone explains how Jayson didn’t want her to join the Navy at all, and I always thought this was odd considering how it was moreso pointed towards her rather than Ava (as well as the fact that the Ferin’s ostracize those who don’t join, like Drey). this would coincide with my theory that Ava was expected to join bc of ‘unlocking’ her powers early, so maybe Jayson didn’t want Jay joining due to the fact that she hadn’t tapped into her Ferin powers yet, but Jay being Jay decided to enlist anyways and eventually gained a different motivation for her involvement than the rest of the clan [thanks to Kira & Ava]. or there was another thing at play. idk kinda just throwing smthn at the wall with this one bc that little comment stood out to me and I can’t remember if it even happened lol

also do we think the whole ‘sun nightmare’ is like,,, a test to unlock those abilities?? we know Jay and Drey opted to jump into it which kinda resulted in some magic golden eye phenomena (which we’ve seen in action once by Drey), but the issue here is when Jay rejected the heat the first time it just resulted in pain. so what would’ve been the option that leads the Ferin bloodline to become so powerful? do they choose to combat the sun?? do they conjure up heat of their own until they overpower it??? so many questions

gaaahhh I can’t wait until they’re out of the Black Sea so we can delve into this more bc I’m tired of feelin like this:

[stars-in-our-oceans]

Scroll past if you dont wanna read my incoherent rambling while brainstorming the FUCK outta this fic

Avatrice au prompt that I also wanna write lol TM TM TM TM TM TM MOTHERFUCKERS

//

Beatrice is a sculpture amongst five artist who were selected to go through a paid internship (paid internships amirite) at the louvre. This internship would allow artist to push their creative bounds outside of all the boxes that may have constricted them in their daily lives.

When they all finished their pieces their predecessors would pick and choose which pieces were “worthy” of being apart of the museum's modern artist showing. Each of the artist who were selected had only a year to finish all of their pieces, but Beatrice finished hers in under 8 months.

Mostly due to the fact that she would stay working until the sunrise because she was a perfectionist but also... she was passionate.

However so was Ava once upon a time, but now all he can do is sit and watch through the lifeless eyes of a statue... [BANGER]

Or

Ava can only sit and watch Beatrice work through one of the paintings in the museum

- So maybe… Sister Francis who’s like the wicked witch, cursed Ava to watch her life pass her by (kinda like an continuation for her time spent in the orphanage as a paraplegic) so like being trapped in a painting/statue, was sister Francis’ way of “sparing her from death.” THIS CAN STILL APPLY IF I PLAN ACCORDINGLY ND SWITCH UP SOME THINGS BEAR (haha pun , im so funny iykyk) WITH ME

- WAIT SO LIKE WHAT IF AVA STILL HAS THE HALO JAMMED IN HER BACK AFTER HAVING ALREADY BEEN KILLED BY SIS FRANCIS (WHICH SISTER KNEW THIS BUT USED HER TO HIDE THE ARTIFACT IN THE PAINTING/SCULPTURE ALONG WITH AVA WITHOUT REALIZING THAT IT WOULD RESURRECT HER LOL) this is kinda contradictory lol

- I was also thinking whichever pieces Ava is “trapped” in or “bound” to, belonged to one of the predecessors that was also selected at one point just like Beatrice. Which obviously makes this person very likely to have had something to do with what happened to Ava. I mean technically the predecessor could have smth to do with what happened to Ava, like this person worked with sister Francis and made the sculpture so she would have somewhere to hide the halo (not anticipating a entire human being apart of the equation but ya know life or whatever 👁️👄👁️)

- Beatrice however does end up finding out about Ava’s situation (SOMEHOW) Beatrice probably things its just sleep deprivation when she sees a singular teardrop fall from the eyes of the statue or like fucking uhhhh???

- Beatrice then is somehow convinced later on that she can break the curse (bc Ava’s smart ass would definitely find a way to fuck w bea) so bea maybe finds out about the existence of another witch (Lilith) to help her break the curse, if shes will lol

- the part im having trouble with is incorporating Lilith into the story because odds are bea doesn’t know about the supernatural 🤩 so like the FUCK would she seek out a random witch for???? Uhhhhh mayhaps Lilith senses the halos energy AFTER it activates and goes to investigate in the museum but also figured thatd draw too much attention, so she finds a way to get a job there.. which is how she comes across BEATRICE HUZZAH 🎉 YALL I JUST FIGURED OUT MY OWN PLOT HOLE IT MIGHT NOT MAKE SENSE TO YALL BUT HELL

- Also, Camila, Yasmin, Mary, Shannon, along with Beatrice are the candidates for the internship. (Camila and Beatrice are roommates) (Shannon and Mary are married and roommates WHAT ARE THE ODDS!!?!??) and YASMINE UHHH lives nearby (bc the internship also paid for housing, and Yasmin didn’t really require the housing still determining whether or not she is a nun)

- so Shannon and Mary were never nuns nor part of the convent, Beatrice is a reformed nun who decided art was more important than her vows (slay sister artist), Camila was getting her masters in cyber security but had always felt her true calling was art and saw this opportunity and took it, and yea I guess Yasmin is still a nun in this au but like of the more chill variety (so in terms of where she stays which is the convent, she was able to get lucky enough to commute back n forth to the museum due to the short distance)

- also Camila decided to either stay late with Beatrice one night/come pick bea up and witnesses the weird aforementioned thing Ava does in the sculpture or painting after being revived by the halo and unlike ya know screaming when she awoke 🥹😖 (god this is somehow sadder than the actual storyline wth imo) she has to silently cry instead out of the sculpture LIKE IN THAT ONE SCENE IN THE SHOW OMFG YOU KNOW THE ONE WHEN AVA AND MARY SLEEP IN THE CHURCH IN THAT ONE TOWN YEAH

- okay… so it is 5am but I am sticking with the sculpture idea bc the fucking teardrop sounds cool lollll like bea sees it, wipes her eyes blinking hard, and Camila is just like 🧍🏻”ayo they done sprung a leak in here???” BUT THIS TIME IT AINT A FUCKING LEAK YO WHAT??!??? CRAZY!???!?

- also yea Lilith DEF a security guard (so she has clearance to being in the museum late at night idc if thats not how it is irl this will be biblically accurate information in my au) and that is how she comes across bea and Camila (ooh woo *winks*) bc you already know im going to have Beatrice use Camila as leverage to steal Lilith’s heart so they can help get Ava outta the sculpture (also Camila and bea are allowed to stay late too yea yea bc they sectioned off apart of the museum for them to work where Ava’s sculpture happened to be hehehe, im scheming, gay scheming, if I may HEHEHEE)

- so like idk what else to add currently bc if el halo is still in Ava’s back when she gets out of the sculpture then she can magically walk again but like not immediately (bc like after she gets out bea, Camila, and Lilith too lol bc she will be the witchy bestie chasing after Camila like a lost puppy , ANYWAYS they realize that they cant just take a freaked out, unstable, Ava to the hospital w/o questions arising bc in this she was declared “missing” from the orphanage, ANYWAYS X2 Sorry I have adhd unmedicated, they take Ava back to bea and cam’s apartment nd call Shannon and Mary bc Mary is a nurse (we love a multi tasking queen) who helps alba and what not. Mary and Shannon come to find out what happened, but also bea and cam let ava stay “secretly” in their apartment so they can figure out wtf to do from there)

- nd like tbh i dont wanna make huge conflict bc ava already been hurt enough but after she gets out of the sculpture she gets to know bea and all that cute shit and gets to experience the life she missed out on, but that would create a plot hole bc if Lilith can sense the halo that means Francis can too (so who knows ava may find out the halo gives her powers and kills Francis by “accident” in this timeline too HAHAH) so maybe Francis sends the predecessor who created the sculpture only to find it shattered

I know this is getting away from the internship aspect of the story (im trying to be consistent bc like bea, cam, and Lilith needed to have a reason to be in the museum that late at night but like if they all worked there thatd be BORING so im improvising but THIS IS JUST BRAINSTORMING) and also kinda overshadowing yasmin (so as much as I love her she may just be a far removed side character reeeee)

- ANOTHA ONE, OKAY SO LIKE WHAT IF BEATRICE FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON HAS A NECKLACE THAT HAS DIVINIUM IN IT STARTS GLOWING AFTER AVA WAKES UP ANYTIME BEA IS NEAR THE SCULPTURE REEEEEEEE (yall the smile on my face bc I feel like I’ve cracked another code, or you could say YOU COULD SAY IVE CONNECTED THE DOTS)

- also like what if mommy- sorry mother 🥸 superion was like the person who overlooked their progress on their pieces, obviously bea is way ahead of everyone else, overachieving bichass [endearingly] 🙄 , but yea LOL

FUCK OKAY TIME TO PUT THIS IN A DOC BC MY HEAD HURTS STARING AT THIS WHITE SCREEN

[ava-of-shenanigans]

The thing for me about Frankenstein is that when I hear someone say “Frankenstein is about how there are certain forces that messing with will have potentially extreme unforeseen consequences, so maybe we just shouldn’t” I’m like, yes exactly. But when someone says “Frankenstein is about playing god” it feels kind of wrong to me.

I’ve thought about this for awhile, and the conclusion I’ve reached is that, to me, “don’t play god” feels like it means “you shouldn’t do that thing because a higher power says it’s wrong”, with no real justification for why.

I think versions like the 1931 adaptation have influenced why I feel this way. Like in 1931 Frankenstein, there’s a lot more “don’t play god/hey look guys I’m defying god” kind of dialogue, but instead of the reason the creation goes wrong being Victor too exhausted from making the monster to do anything but fall asleep and then run away, it goes wrong because they used the wrong brain when they made him.

Also, in the book it seemed to me that the thing Victor was defying was nature, not god, with all the focus on nature and the beauty of nature in the book.

So I think the reason “don’t play god” feels wrong to me as a Frankenstein theme is because Frankenstein to me has always felt like a book that doesn’t need god to make it’s story/moral make sense. Victor defies nature, not god specifically, and the toll it takes on him, the suffering of his creation, and the resulting deaths don’t need god to explain them. 

In versions like 1931 Frankenstein, by contrast, the story doesn’t make sense thematically without a god. If you don’t read the theme as “things done in defiance of god are always doomed to fail in some way” then the theme becomes “if you’re going to carry a brain for one place to another then put it in a bag or something.”

I think “don’t play god” works as a Frankenstein moral, but it feels a little wrong to me because Frankenstein is a story that doesn’t need god to exist, and I’m a person who takes things literally, which means “don’t play god” comes across to me as “don’t do that because god said so” instead of “don’t do that because it might have consequences that we as humans are unable to anticipate or understand”. And also because 1931 Frankenstein actually did make the theme “don’t do that because god said so”, so that’s what I associate with the phrase now.

[miss-maam-ava]

Hey I know this is kinda like venting or whatever but mutuals would you mind telling me if you care about me I need it rn

[shyshitter]

“i will not be tricked again” i say as i happily waltz back into naive and hopeful clowning mode

[jellyfemmes]

I’ve been getting back into self care, skincare, makeup, for myself. I used to not care for myself when I was depressed, but when I was able to get back to normal life, I still neglected my care because I didn’t want it to seem like I was appealing to men. “Why the hell should I shave my legs if one of the main reasons people do that is for mens enjoyment?”

That’s what I used to think for a long time. Part of me thinks “I should put on makeup before I go out,” and then I think, “why, so you conform to the unrealistic beauty standards you hate?”

While that side of me is correct, there’s other reasons to do those things. Put on makeup because you like accentuating your features. Do skincare because you like having smooth skin. Brush your teeth because you like having a clean mouth. Shave your legs because you don’t want the hairs to snag on your pants. As long as you are aware of the reason YOU’RE doing something, then there should be no reason why it’s not allowed.

You can be a misandrist and also wear makeup. It took me a while to realize it’s not hypocrisy. If you want to do something because it will make you feel better, just fucking do it. Don’t get in your head about everything you do and whether or not you’re conforming to the patriarchy. You’ll just be a joyless asshole. Trust me, I was for quite a while, until recently.

[punksarahreese]

Sometimes when Ava has bad anxiety/insomnia nights Sarah will find her sitting on the couch just kinda staring into space and she’ll silently go make a cup of Ava’s favourite tea in her favourite mug. Even if she’s too dissociative or tired to talk Sarah will just sit with her and coax her to drink the tea or at least hold the cup to feel warm. She’s so patient and always makes sure that Ava wants her there, and if she does then Sarah is okay with holding her hand or just being there so she isn’t alone. 9/10 times it ends with Ava asleep in Sarah’s arms on the couch because sometimes the living room just feels safer and Ava always sleeps better with Sarah 🥺🥺

[dean-is-love]

not many people remember my blog probably but i'm here for the 5th. sound off in the tags if you're back for the 5th

[greenorangevioletgrass]

Y’ALL??????

[fallencrowns]

❝  Do you ever, you know—— STOP talking? ❞ She had to ask with a roll of her eyes, glancing towards him. Some rambling made rather incoherent as she was going over documents, trying her best to IGNORE him to the best of her abilities. But by god, it was getting harder with every word that fell out of his masked mouth. There was a damned time clock here, ticking down before the running came. Before blaring alarms had security armed and ready. Not that it particularly scared Ava, most humans retreated at the first sign of FIRE as she had come to realize. But it was much easier to get what she needed without it raining bullets and preferably before she even RISKED getting injured.

The suggestion of a team, however, had her scoffing at the mere idea. ❝  I've already got a team, Clifford. ❞ Well, maybe less team and more like a barely organized GANG that had been labeled as terrorists by the human news media. All very much willing to die for their CAUSE and some had. A little group of misfits just trying to fight the injustices in the world be any means necessary. ❝  Do you have a phone or anything to scan documents so I can get these over to my contact? ❞

“ I understand that I’m not perfect, there is a slight odor to me, hard to say what it is. ” It could be some dried blood from yesterday, it is also likely it was piss, considering that one of the guys he slashed through pissed himself. It was unfortunate, but also a fairly common occurrence. “ But I’m sure we could work together, make a team. Figure out a team name, maybe make some banners, create a Twitter account, be posted on famous birthdays. "

"We are all owned by Disney, and should really figure something out before they shelve us. I mean my god, they are making another Superman movie. Did anyone ask? Who watches that dude? He doesn’t even look that good in those tinny tiny tights. ” He was lying, those legs were to die for. “ So what do you say, you and me, Bonnie and Clyde? ”

@fallencrowns liked the #startercall ! accepting !!

[purple-dahlias]

“It’s okay. I’ve got you, You are safe now.”

for recovery!au

It’s beyond late, and the new day is creeping its way in by the time Ava makes it back to their apartment, closing the door softly behind her, knowing Sarah is most likely still asleep, what with her not having work that day.

Exhausted from back to back surgeries, Ava tosses her bag into a corner and barely makes it out of her work clothes before she is collapsing (as quietly as one can) onto the bed beside Sarah, trying to prise the covers out from under her. Sarah had a habit of falling asleep with the covers bunched up around her, in a way that made it rather difficult for anyone else to sleep next to her.

Ava is just settling down, having made herself as comfortable as she can next to someone who is curled up in a way that makes them currently more ball-shaped than human when Sarah shifts next to her, her hands clenching into fists and drawing the covers tighter around her, rendering her completely obscured from Ava’s view.

Perhaps, it was that she was just cold, Ava thinks at first. But she knows it’s not the case when the whimpering starts.

“No, please… I have to… there must be something!”

Ava hears her cry out, the distress in her voice obvious. But she can’t quite catch any more because it has become incoherent, Sarah dissolving into quiet sobs, muffled beneath the covers.

“Sarah honey,” Ava calls out, tiredness, dissipating instantly from her body. “It’s okay. I’m right here.”

Sarah shifts under the covers at the sound of Ava’s voice, realising she is close by.

“Sarah, is it okay if I move the blanket?” Ava asks carefully, knowing it’s better if Sarah knows what she’s about to do, before it happens.

There’s a small shift in the blankets which Ava takes as a ‘yes,’ and she goes to remove them, only to be confronted with Sarah’s face, streaked with tears, hair tousled and sticking to her cheeks in places, anguish filling her face.

“Avey?” Sarah asks, her voice barely more than a whisper.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you, you are safe now,” Ava croons soothingly as Sarah shifts, placing her head in Ava’s lap, Ava taking this as her cue to smooth the strands of Sarah’s hair, knowing how much it comforted her.

“I couldn’t save them,” begins Sarah, breaking the silence, and Ava knows now what she was referring to. “There was nothing I could do. They all just died. And I can’t even save myself!”

Ava takes a sharp intake of breath at that last addition, noting the bitterness, the frustration in her voice as Sarah once more succumbs to tears that shake her slight frame.

Her heart aches for Sarah. She knows she’s talking about the other day, with the influx of patients into the ED and how hectic it had become. Sarah had been called down from psychiatry to help, and it had been rough. She’d had to call time for one too many patients in such a small space of time. It had been a lot. But Ava knows that’s not all Sarah means.

I can’t even save myself.

Ava frowns. It’s hard for her to see Sarah like this. In pain. It’s all she can do to keep it together, even while her own stomach is twisted in knots and her face is a mask of anguish at the pain she can see Sarah is in.

It takes every effort in her to school her expressions, but taking a deep breath, she looks Sarah in the eyes, who by this time has shifted away from Ava and is lying curled up beside her.

Ava reaches out her hand to Sarah.

“Sarah, listen. You’ve been doing so well lately. You’re one of the toughest people I’ve ever met. And I wouldn’t lie to you. You know that,” Ava attempts a smile for Sarah’s sake. “And what happened the other day? There was nothing you could do about it. Nothing me or Connor or Ethan or Nat or even Will for all the stupid stunts he pulls could have done. Some days are just like that. But you’ve helped so many people, bokkie, remember that.”

Sarah reaches for Ava’s hand and Ava gives it, letting Sarah squeeze it for comfort.

“Thank you,” she whispers, her voice a little croaky.

“Never thank me for something like this,” Ava returns, a steel in her voice. “I’m here for you, no matter what, okay.”

“Okay,” replies Sarah, a little weakly, but she has no choice but to believe it. Even in her state, she can hear the sincerity in Ava’s voice.

“Where’re you going?” Sarah asks, a little panicked as the bed creaks, telling her Ava is getting up.

“Nowhere far,” assures Ava. “I’m just going to get you some water, okay. I’ll be back in less than a minute.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” Ava confirms.

As promised, she returns less than a minute later, glass of water in hand, which she holds up for Sarah.

“I’m not a baby,” Sarah protests, taking the glass from Ava’s hands.

“Okay, okay, I never said you were,” Ava smiles, and then stifles a yawn.

Placing the glass on the bedside table, Sarah pulls Ava close to her.

“‘M sorry. I know you just came back and, and the last thing you want to do is deal with this, with me,” rambles Sarah.

“No” Ava says, that firmness back. “Never apologise.”

The two are just about finally settling down, cocooned in the blankets (thanks to Sarah) when Ava starts suddenly.

“Sarah, your feet are freezing!”

“Well that’s what happens when you have to sleep all by yourself!” Sarah retorts, giggling.

Ava is happy to see the change, and it’s shown in the way she doesn’t even have it in her to make a teasing remark. “C’mere,” she says instead, opening her arms, and Sarah obliges, scooting closer.

And in that instance Sarah can forget that the world outside— anything other than her and Ava in that moment— exists.

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, November 16

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Jeffrey Epstein’s madam Ghislaine Maxwell’s nights with Prince Andrew and teen Virginia Roberts Giuffre

Page 2: Brad Pitt kicked married galpal Nicole Poturalski to the curb after getting flak from his ex Angelina Jolie -- Brad’s relationship with Nicole hit the skids after Brad decided he needed to shore up his image during his ongoing custody battle with Angie and his focus right now is to get his dad image back on track and give Angie no more ammo to fling back at him

Page 3: Tiger Woods’ romance with Erica Herman has gone off course over legal troubles and wedding pressure and bickering over where to live and Tiger is so fed up he’s considering ditching his nagging girlfriend in Florida and moving back to his native California -- Erica’s been pressuring him to put a ring on it ever since she moved into his Jupiter Island mansion and that’s something he just won’t do and she’s already taken over his household buying new furniture and remodeling the master bath and building a new closet and hiring a gourmet chef -- California is looking better and better to Tiger who only moved to Florida to play on its tough Bermuda grass which helped improve his swing but now Tiger’s ex Elin lives in Florida with their two kids 

Page 4: Miranda Lambert is scoffing at ex Blake Shelton’s newly announced engagement to Gwen Stefani and she’s convinced Blake’s third walk down the aisle has failure written all over it because she thinks Blake’s bad to the bone and this marriage will wind up being a total disaster and after the hell Blake put her through Miranda can’t imagine his life with Gwen would be any different, lifelong bachelor Simon Cowell has had a change of heart since his horrific August accident and he’s finally ready to tie the knot with baby mama Lauren Silverman -- after spinal surgery to repair his broken back the entertainment mogul feels lucky to be alive and walking and the one constant in his difficult rehab after surgery has been Lauren and he wants to pay her back with a ring 

Page 5: Train-wreck Wendy Williams’ wacky behavior has TV producers scrambling behind the scenes to find her replacement after her unhinged performance on a recent episode of her talk show where she slurred her words and rambled incoherently -- there had been a hope a chatfest helmed by Nick Cannon could be a safety net should the daytime diva who spent a stint in a sober living house last year not be able to continue hosting but plans for that were pushed back after the comic made anti-Semitic rants in a podcast -- they also tried Jerry O’Connell when Wendy was out for three weeks last year but he tanked with viewers -- Wendy’s a mess and it remains to be seen how long producers will be able to put up with her problems before they decide to pull the plug 

Page 6: Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo hinted that she may be making her final rounds -- Ellen who has starred on the show since 2005 and makes $20 million a year admitted she’s considering slipping out of her scrubs after the current season 17 but her departure could spell the end of the beloved series and show creator Shonda Rhimes has said it’s unlikely the show could continue without her but Ellen has also expressed her desire to spend more time with her husband and their three children

Page 7: Mariah Carey’s brother Morgan blasted her memoir as filled with lies and distortions and he’s considering legal action -- the book called Morgan and sister Alison her ex-brother and ex-sister and Mariah wrote Morgan had a long history of violence and when she was six he slammed their mother into a wall -- Mariah also wrote her siblings and mother were heartless in terms of dealing with her as a human being and once she got famous they started treating her like an ATM with a wig on but Morgan is fighting back and looking to hire a lawyer

Page 8: Reese Witherspoon’s marriage to Jim Toth is in the muck after the stunning collapse of his new business venture and tensions are mounting in the Hollywood power couple’s already troubled union now that the streaming service Quibi crumbled after less than six months leaving content acquisition president Jim out of work while Reese’s star continues to rise and there’s a real balance of power that’s been building up and that’s put a serious strain on the relationship -- living in quarantine added to the stress between them as Reese has been holed up with her two kids with ex Ryan Phillippe Ava and Deacon and her son Tennessee with Jim at the family’s ranch in Malibu

Page 9: Dementia patient Kenny Rogers cut his three adult children out of his $250 million will and now sources fear the late country legend could have been tricked into signing the document -- Kenny left everything to his 16-year-old twins sons with fifth wife Wanda and the will also stated it was his intent to specifically exclude his daughter Carole with his first wife and son Kenny Jr. with third wife and son Christopher with fourth wife and their issue as beneficiaries of his estate -- Kenny Sr. would never disown his own children according to the source especially since the singer’s son Kenny Jr. is incorrectly referred to Kenny Rogers III throughout the will -- the wording is not like Kenny Sr. and something is not right and his older kids are thinking about contesting the will 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Kate McKinnon shot a Saturday Night live skit in NYC, Sophia Bush hit the road in L.A. with her co-pilot pup Maggie, pregnant Jinger Duggar Vuolo in Venice with daughter Felicity, Heidi Klum walking the streets in her native Germany, Snoop Dogg saluted young rappers as he accepted BET’s I Am Hip Hop award 

Page 11: Unwitting Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler once dabbled in the secret sex cult NXIVM -- the organization masqueraded as a self-help group but in 2017 it was exposed as a pyramid scheme for founder Keith Raniere who forced high-ranking female recruits to become his sex slaves -- in 2010 Jen and Gerry who were dating at the time wound up at one of the introductory seminars but they were turned off by the level of commitment expected and never returned -- they thought it was just a networking opportunity and had no idea what they were getting themselves into, cash-crunched Gwyneth Paltrow is facing hard times like everyone else and is looking to change her free-spending ways -- the belt-tightening caused by the coronavirus pandemic has even hit her lifestyle empire Goop causing her to shut down the London branch and make hard choices for the future -- Gwyneth may be worth $100 million but she and husband Brad Falchuk spend money like it’s going out of style on private jets they use on a whim and they own a fleet of fancy cars and pay steep salaries for staff who are at their beck and call 24/7 and it’s all draining their bank accounts -- they’re looking at making cuts across the board from personal trainers and chefs and drivers to the masseurs and beauticians who come to their house several times a week -- plus the couple believe it’s a bad look for them to be living so high on the hog when the rest of the world is suffering during the pandemic

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- Angelina Jolie spent years developing her own version of the Hollywood classic Cleopatra and now she’s livid that Gal Gadot has stolen the Egyptian queen -- Angie’s dream was to play Cleopatra the role that made Elizabeth Taylor an icon and it was to be the part that won Angie an Academy Award for Best Actress and now that’s over thanks to Gal who will be playing the Queen of the Nile instead, after ABC scrapped plans to honor Regis Philbin with a prime-time tribute Jimmy Kimmel insisted on honoring Regis on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, MSNBC talking head Rachel Maddow is fleeing New York for her Massachusetts farm after hanging a $2.3 million price tag on her NYC pad but Rachel didn’t want potential buyers looking through all the personal stuff at her apartment so all the personal pictures and books and clothing and everything else was shipped out and replaced with staged furniture, Ariel Winter and her dog (picture) 

Page 13: Ailing Joni Mitchell opened up about how she’s still struggling to get back to her old self five years after a debilitating brain bleed -- after Joni was found unresponsive in her Bel-Air home in 2015 she said she was forced to relearn everyday tasks because the aneurysm took away her speech and her ability to walk and although she’s showing slow improvement she hasn’t been writing or playing the guitar or the piano, Randy Travis is defying all the odds as he plans the greatest comeback in country music history as he is making amazing progress after suffering a massive 2013 stroke that most believed would end his career forever and he was given just 1% chance of survival and even after he pulled through doctors believed he would be bedridden and unable to speak -- instead his grueling rehab efforts have miraculously put him on the road to realizing his dream of returning to the spotlight -- some of his motivation is financial; last year he sold his Nashville home and released his memoir which was fueled by his need to pay medical expenses after years of not being able to perform

Page 14: Hollywood Hookups -- Channing Tatum and Jessie J have split again, Cole Sprouse and Reina Silva dating, Kate Beckinsale and Goody Grace split 

Page 15: Ariana Grande is raising eyebrows with her raunchy new record Positions -- the former squeaky-clean Nickelodeon star who has been dating real estate agent Dalton Gomez spouted off X-rated odes to an unnamed lover on the LP, six months after sidelining her marriage to former quarterback Jay Cutler Kristin Cavallari admitted there are good days and bad days but insisted it’s been nice to be able to focus on herself and figure out who she is now and what she ultimately wants out of life, hotel heiress Kathy Hilton is joining The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as a friend of the main cast which includes her half-sister Kyle Richards

Page 16: Crime 

Page 17: On Drew Barrymore’s talk show a psychic guest channeled the spirit of one of the host’s former in-laws but the man in question is very much alive -- medium Anna Raimondi told Drew she sensed the aura of a judge causing Drew to burst into tears and named David a relative of her ex-husband Will Kopelman claiming he’d passed but Judge David Kopelman is alive and still going strong -- Will slammed Anna was a submental hack and said he was surprised that Drew chose to give oxygen to someone like that

Page 18: American Life 

Page 20: Cover Story -- Prince Andrew is desperate to quash explosive testimony by his pedophile pal Jeffrey Epstein’s accused madam Ghislaine Maxwell but the socialite’s second secret deposition is torpedoing his return from royal exile -- after Ghislaine danced around details of her relationship with the disgraced Duke of York in testimony released a few weeks ago Andrew is sweating bullets about her second grilling under oath which contains details of their intimate friendship and nights with Epstein’s teen sex slave Virginia Roberts Giuffre 

Page 22: Don McLean viciously slammed ex-wife Patrisha Shnier as the worst person her ever knew but in their ongoing war of words she maintains he was abusive to her -- Don is still bitter over a 2016 domestic incident at their home in Maine that landed him behind bars and led to divorce after 30 years of marriage

Page 26: Matthew McConaughey confessed he nearly turned his back on Tinseltown to be a wildlife guide like late Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin -- he made a splash in a string of blockbuster rom-coms in the ‘90s and ‘00s but he was eager to move on to meatier movies and even passed on a $14.5 million paycheck in 2010 to seek more substantial roles and the struggle left him considering other careers such as a wildlife guide, Jamie Foxx has been crushed by the death of his beloved sister DeOndra Dixon who was born with Down syndrome

Page 28: Good Catch -- Bachelor stars who are still up for grabs -- Jon Hamm, Owen Wilson, Drew Carey

Page 29: Benicio Del Toro, Ryan Seacrest, Matthew Perry, some stars seem to say I do at the drop of the hat -- Larry King, Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Bob Thornton 

Page 32: Olivia Munn was caught on camera flashing what looked like engagement bling on her left ring finger as she exited a gym following a morning workout in Los Angeles but she reportedly broke up with boyfriend Tucker Roberts last year leaving fans wondering who bought the stunning sparkler 

Page 36: Health Watch 

Page 42: Red Carpet -- Michelle Pfeiffer 

Page 45: Spot the Differences -- Allison Janney on Mom 

Page 47: Odd List