#auuughh ohhh ouuughhhh owwwwww ahhhhh

[jellybeanium124]

new atticus fic got me thinking ab how jack's just been playing with ed's heart on and off for almost 30 years, and ed doesn't quite know how much of that is jack being an asshole for the sake of it, being an asshole because he feels like he has to perform masculinity, and being clueless. every time ed thinks he's finally gotten thru to himself that jack is never ever changing and he's gonna be a jerkass teenage boy in the body of a grown man forever, jack exhibits 1 (one) emotion for a fraction of a second and ed immediately falls back into thinking that maybe this time jack will finally grow up and change. and he never does. at some point ed almost dies and jack saves his life and ed wakes up to see jack crying over him and it's the first time he's seen jack cry since they were literally still teenagers, and ed hopes that maybe this is it, maybe this is the moment where jack can finally admit he loves ed, and he doesn't want to be an asshole anymore, he loves ed and he wants ed.

but he doesn't. he doesn't say any of that. he leaves to go on the bender to end all benders and tells ed not to contact him. and what's ed supposed to do but remind himself that this is always how jack responds to emotions, by drinking enough to drown them out. he feels like an idiot for thinking jack could change, and he feels like an idiot for caring about a man who's probably never seen him as more than a hole to fuck and a partner in petty crime/drinking. ed can't take the way jack plays with his emotions anymore.

he's different from izzy, in that way. ed's seen jack's mask crack to reveal a tiny scrap of a heart still inside him. a fleeting glimpse of kindness or good humor. izzy's just a weird sick little freak, and when ed's seen his mask crack, what's revealed is that izzy's a socially awkward power-hungry dumbass who doesn't know who ed is at all, and desperately wants to control him into being something he's not. jack wants ed to be something he's not as well, but like, jack knows ed's not like that. jack knows he's asking ed to be someone he's not, in the same way that he plays up his mean, aggressive, macho side. izzy genuinely thinks ed's like that and when he's being soft then he's acting out of character. jack wants ed to be someone he's not with him. izzy wants ed to be someone he's not for him. and because of that, because of the one ounce of emotional intelligence jack has on izzy, jack can pull his heart in ways izzy never could.

and that makes the pain different! and in some ways, it's almost a bit deeper. there's something impersonal about every time izzy betrays ed's hope he might become a little better, and finally see ed, and finally want what's best for ed instead of some crap he thinks is best for ed. meanwhile jack's betrayal hits so much harder, because their love for each other was real, once upon a time, and jack actually really knows ed.

but in some ways, that makes jack more insidious. because the pull he has is stronger, ed's belief that jack could be good is stronger, because ed knew him when he was young and hadn't fully covered up all his squishy bits yet. jack's far more addictive that way. the day he finally changes will feel so much bigger for ed. he would've had a life with jack, at one point. still might.

but jack can never change. he's let something rot inside him that might've been alive at some point. and as long as he keeps coming back like a bad penny he'll keep stringing ed along and torturing him whether he means to or not.