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ladywinterwitch · 5 years ago

Text

Fine Line

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You and Bucky are in a infinite loop of discussions and stress. Mission after mission, you spend little time together, and that little is disastrous. Your friends decide that enough is enough and organize a little getaway for the two of you where you and Bucky finally have that conversation.

Warnings: angsty af, Bucky is kind of an ass at the beggining (actually both of them), self-deprecating issues, FEELS, TEARS, making out session but not actual smut

Word Count: 4520

A/n: This was supposed to be a smutty one shot with a tiny plot, but then I decided that it had potential so I expanded it instead. This is the ANGST(iest ?) and full-of-feels thing I wrote so far. Also, I listened to Fine Line by Harry Styles, so I recommend listening to it (in general, bc he’s amazing). In conclusion: This is a rollercoster y’all

(gif not mine)

You and Bucky had reached a point where all you did was argue and being grumpy with each other for the stupidest things, and not. The subject of the discussion could’ve been a risky mission or a dirty garment out of place in your room. And when you weren’t together, you were on missions, and when you were on missions the others had to hear you two complaining about the other and then feeling guilty about it. So they, actually Natasha and Tony thought about sending you on a mini vacation, for both yourselves and the sake of the team.

You weren’t really sure of it, mainly because leaving you assigned missions and duties to them didn’t seem fair, but the didn’t want to hear excuses and the morning after you and Bucky were already on a flight, first class, to Hawaii. Cheesy and quite overused, but Tony liked the classics.

At first you and Bucky had been a kinda embarassing and awkward with each other. You were so used to be split up and having discussion after discussion, that it seemed almost foreign to be silent and without anything to do.

You arrived at the hotel, strictly a five star, and you both couldn’t wait to go hide in your suite. You didn’t like those places where you could literally smell the money circling, and you knew Bucky simply didn’t enjoy people in general. It was still a bit of a problem for him. So you decided to do all the speaking, retrieving the key and listening politely to the few but useful informations about the resort that the receptionist gave you.

Afterwards you took your baggage to your room. No, actually, it was like a mini apartament. In a very large space were a king sized bed, a couch, an extra thin and wide tv, a big bathroom in marble, and two massive window-walls that had a quite small balcony each, a table and two chairs out.

You put the big bag on the ground and start to explore, while Bucky puts down two suitcases and just throws himself on the bed.

-Wow, so much for a romantic escape.- you state ironically while you come back to the baggage and start to put your stuff in the wardrobe. He grunts, face pressed on the sheets. He rolls on his back, crossing his arms under his head.

-Wasn’t my idea.- he responded calmly. You huff out a laugh, shaking your head slightly.

-Of course not.- you remarked, slamming the, now empty, suitcase shut. He raised an eyebrow, sitting up in a sitting position.

-What’s that supposed to mean?- he asks with a hint of bitterness in his voice. You turn around from where you were placing both of your clothes, crossing your arms under your breasts.

-Are you serious right now, Bucky? When’s the last time you ever did something nice for me? No, not for me, for us.- you made sure to emphasize the last words. You’ve been together for a little over a year. At first he courted you, flirted constantly, made sure to make a compliment at least once a day, often he even left little gifts or organized romantic encouters for the two of you. But in the last three months, it all started to lessen, then fade and now it was like a month since you barely could stand the other’s presence. The sex disappeared too, and it was a big thing, if you said so yourself. You used to be all over each other most of the time.

You did suffer a lot for this, but you couldn’t find the strenght to face the situation.

-Oh, sorry if I’d been too caught up a new mission every damn week to take you out to dinner! And you know honey, it’s not like you’ve done much on your behalf either.- he got up from the bed, facing you. The room was so big that you basically were in opposite parts of the space.

-My poor baby. Like you were the only one who had to work his ass off every single day, out of the compoud or not. And you know why? Because you can’t even fucking be nice to people. You’re not gonna get better if you don’t even try!- you exclaimed gesticulating with your hand. He looked hurt for a split moment, then his face changed again, leaving only anger.

-Yeah, and I bet you had a lot of time to be nice around others.- his lip darted upwards in a derisive smile.

-What’s that supposed to mean?- You frowned, crossing your arms again in an outraged manner.

-That you haven’t been touching me in months y/n! When I tried to come close to you, avoided me!- he yelled.

-That’s why you’ve been behaving like an asshole? Because I didn’t feel like having sex? Is that all that matters to you?- you screamed in return. He laughed bitterly for a second.

-Don’t worry, if that would be all I want I would’ve found another solution.- another solution. Which actually meant ‘I could find whoever I want because I don’t need you’. You took a step back, almost like someone pushed you. You swallowed slightly, not wanting to show how much that actually hurted you.

-Well, then I guess that’s what you should do.- his expression was a mixture of surprise, regret and sadness. -I’m going home.- you annouce, getting out of the room’s door. You don’t look back at him.

You go down the stairs to the reception and straight to the receptionist to whom you talked before. He was a little surprised to see you come back so soon.

-Miss y/l/n. Is everything alright?- he asks. You have to swallow to not throw up because in fact the last thing you were was ‘fine’.

-Yes.- you respond in a breath, -But unfortunately I had a family problem so I was wondering if you could book me a flight for New York, please? The first available.- he shook his head, starting to type of the computer.

-I’m really sorry to hear about your family, miss. But unfortunately the weather won’t be the best to fly in the next two days. Actually, a really strong wind and a rainstorm are expected to come already tonight. I’m checking just to be sure, but..-his eyes travelled on the screen in front of him while he talked.

-No, miss, I’m afraid that today and tomorrow’s flights are being cancelled.- he responded mortified. You huffed heavily, a hand in your hair, your elbow placed on the marble counter.

That was just lucky, wasn’t it? You cursed Thor, just to be sure.

-It’s okay. It’s not your fault, thanks anyway.- you forced out a smile, walking away.

Bucky had a bad habit. Which was his impulsiveness, his almost automatic respose to whatever could potentially hurt him, to hurt it back. That was a consequence of all the years he had to endure under Hydra’s control, the pain, the torture, the control. But unfortunately that affected his everyday life. Sometimes he says things that he doesn’t mean, but that are specifically intended to hurt people, that’s an autodefense mechanism that he can’t really control, that’s why he hates it. So much. It makes him feel like when he was the winter soldier all over again, controlled, caged.

He knew that he screwed up the moment he said those words. He couldn’t imagine what must’ve been like for you to hear that phrase coming from the person that you loved. Rejection, mockery even. He was feeling like shit.

He was so shocked at your last words that he didn’t move from his spot near the bed for a few minutes, his mind screaming accusations and awful things to himself for what he did.

As soon as he came to himself again he exited the room and started to look for you. He looked in the hall, the restaurant, the open bar, the outer pool, the inner pool. Nothing. A thousand thoughts ran through his mind. Did you really went home without him and your stuff? Did you go away by car? Were you at the airport already?

He was starting to panic, not because he was worried about your wellbeing. Hell, you were one of the most indipendent and most prepared spies he’d ever met. What he couldn’t take anymore was the guilt. He had the necessity to tell you he was sorry, that he didn’t mean what he said, that not in a million worlds he would choose someone else.

He was in the middle of the lobby near the exit for the pool, when all of a sudden people started to run back inside. He frowned and glanced out the window wall, finding out that it had just started to rain profusely. Well, at least now he knew that you weren’t in the gigantic garden, nor at the beach.

He gave up and tried to ask to the reception. He walked near the counter, to the man that gave you instructions earlier that morning. He would’ve remembered your face. He cleared his throat, terribly awkward.

-Uhm. Hello, I wanted to ask if you saw my girlfriend in the last hour?- he cringed for how his voice must’ve sounded like. The man smiled politely and nodded.

-Actually yes, mr. She was here about thirty minutes ago. She asked if she could book a flight, but unfortunately I had to inform her that the Maui airprt is closed due to risky weather.- he felt a knot in his stomach. She was really going to leave him. He swallowed, nodding on his own.

-I see. Thankyou.- Bucky walked away, towards the elevators. He couldn’t blame you for wanting to leave him. He was fucked up form head to toe. His mind...his body. He knew damn well he didn’t deserve you.

He decided to return to your room, not really knowing what to do. Now he was sure that you couldn’t have left with an airplane, so you must’ve been hiding somewhere. So he sat on the couch, waiting.

You wanted to say that you needed a distraction. Because that’s actually true. But all you did instead was to go to the bar, order the strongest drink on the menu and swallow three of them one right after the other. The bartender gave you a side eye, probably thinking that your behaviour didn’t really match your long feminine floral sundress, but you couldn’t care less. Tired of feeling watched by every single one of this rich douches, you decided to get up and go to the roof terrace. You had learned to have a quite high alchol resistance, so if it weren’t for the light dizziness you could’ve almost forgot about the drinks.

You took the elevator and pushed the button to the last floor, exiting less than a minute later. The sky was not the best, quite grey and with just the tiniest bit of sun that gives the courage to people to step into the water. Just a few people were there, and mostly by themselves reading something or chatting quietly. You spotted an empty couch under one of the gazebos, just next to a beautifully bloomed appletree. You let you yourself fall onto the soft cushions and without even realizing it, you fell asleep.

-Miss.- a female voice called, waking you up -Miss, I’m sorry to disturb you, but it’s raining and a storm is coming, you have to go inside.- it was a young girl, her white suit and tag name telling you that she’s a hotel employee. You blink a few time waking yourself up completely.

-Yes, thankyou.- she nods and goes running towards the elevator, an umbrella on her hand. You get up from the couch, thanking whoever God above that you had just the tiniest pain in your head, and not a full-on drunk headache. It was probably thanks to the sleep. How much did I sleep? you wonder while you walk quickly to the elvator, the pouring rain getting your whole body wet.

Finally the doors opened and you pushed the button to your room’s floor, getting out just a few moments later. You started to shiver slightly. You were soaked from head to toe, wearing just your underwear and a very light sundress, and the hotel had a way too high air conditioning.

-Fucking amazing, a pneumonia would really be the cherry on top, wouldn’t it?- you mutter to yourself pulling out the room’s card, opening the door.

You entered and saw that Bucky was sitting on the chair near the little round table that was placed in a corner of the room. He was sleeping with his arms crossed, his head bending forward. You sighed tiredly, closing the door behind you, trying not to make noise. Then you took off your nikes, placing them under the long radiator in the bathroom.

You came back into the bedroom to take dry clothes, but you stopped, looking to the man asleep. You huffed softly, walking to him. You leaned forward raising a hand and placing it on his cheek, his stubble tickling your palm.

-Buck.- you called quietly enough to not startle him awake. - Wake up, your neck will hurt like hell later.- his chest grumbled softly and then his eyes opened wide for a second. Your hand had dropped before he did, and you were back on your way to the wardrobe.

-Y/n, baby, I searched for you earlier.. W-why are you completely wet?- he stood up quickly, the sleep gone as soon as he saw her. He groaned, reaching to touch the back of his neck to massage it.

-Look for yourself.- you answered, closing the bathroom’s door behind you. You felt almost sick. You were feeling both the urge to slap him and kiss him at once. He searched for you? He called you baby, after what he said? Did he mean it? Knowing him probably not, but that shit hurted anyway. You tried to sent those thoughts away, at least to try and relax for some time in the bathtub that was filling itsef with boiling water. You stripped naked, tossing the drenched dress, bra and panties to the side.

You stepped into the tub and lowered yourself in the hot water, letting out a satisfied moan.

Bucky had waited for you for hours. Walking up and down the room, moving from the bed, to the couch, to the chair. He didnt’t even know how or when did he fall asleep.

And now he was again waiting. In the meantime he decided to change himself with more comfortable and warm clothes. He put on some dark grey sweatpants, a sleeveless white tee and above it a burgundy hoodie.

He closed the curtains, tidied up the remaining clothes in the wardrobe and the drawers, closed the empy suitcases and put them in a corner of the room. He looked around, trying to find something, anything else to do to keep him occupied while he waited. Then it hit him. He took the phone receiver and digited the number for the room service. He shoot a quick look at the alarm on the night stand: 6.30 pm. They hadn’t eated anything since they arrived at 10 am.

The phone rang twice and then a woman picked up.

-Room service, good afternoon.- he cleared his throat.

-Yeah, good..afternoon. I wanted to order dinner if that’s possible?- he didn’t know why it was so hard for him to just be normal, for God’s sake.

-Absolutely, sir. The menu is in the top drawer.- he froze for a second, realizing that he didn’t even took a look. He opened the drawer and picked up the plastic wrapped paper. He read quickly through it then ordered a few things just to be sure. And because he was hungry as fuck and he eated for three. Tony paid, so it was fine. The lady asked for the room’s number and then said that the food would’ve been up in thirty minutes maximum. He thanked her and hang up.

Just a few seconds later the hair blower noise stopped and you stepped out of the bathroom. You had put on a pair of black leggings and an oversized sweatshirt that was actually his. His heart clenched a bit at that.

-Hey.- he croacked out. He was so nervous. And the fact that she looked so beautiful, her hair loose, shiny and so soft-looking, her cheeks flushed pink for the heat, her plump lips pouting slightly, didn’t help his heart rate.

-Hey.- you responded softly, starting to rub your arms up and down. Not for the cold, obviously, but in a nervous manner. He munched on his lower lip before sitting back on the edge of the bed.

-Can we talk? Calmly this time.- he questioned. She nodded, joining him but still sitting a little distant. There was a moment of silence that Bucky broke.

-Okay, please, I..I need to- he struggled to talk, and it hurted you phisically to see him like that. The only other situations where you saw him this nervous about something were after his nightmares.

You got closer and took his face in your hands, making him look at you.

-Bucky. Honey, it’s okay. Deep breaths. Yeah, like that, in and out.- your voice reassuring, but it shocked you when he stood up, taking a few steps back from you. Your mouth agape and your troath was starting to burn slightly.

-No, no, y/n. It’s not okay.- he huffed out -I said things today...that I didn’t mean. It’s not true that I would go and find someone else, not only because I’m a fucking disaster with people but also because I would never, ever, in a million years replace you. In any way, with anyone. You know why?- he sniffed licking his lips to try not to cry. You weren’t in a much better situation, but you understood that he needed to let it out, so you remained still to listen.

-Because I love you, y/n. I love your wonderful smile, your bright eyes, your peachy scented hair, your skin, that has been through battles but remains soft nonetheless. Just like you. Yeah, because you may be one of the most badass women I’ve ever met, a perfect spy, a master in your job...but you also manage to stay human, true to yourself and in what you believe in. You are my sun and stars. Often the only thing that keeps me from going mad.- he lowered his head, breathing heavily -So, no. You’re not an option. You are my first and last, and the only one I need. The only one I’ll ever choose.- a small smile appeared on your face while silent tears ran down your cheeks.

There was a moment of silence, and when you had finally decided to got to him and tell him how much he was important for you too, he resumed talking, cutting off your actions at the start.

-You’re all those things and more. And that’s exactly why I understand your decision to leave me.- you frowned, he continued -You don’t deserve me. You don’t deserve to be with someone who’s damaged, body and soul.- the disgust that his voice expressed broke your heart. How could he think something like that? Then you realized that you knew why. You did, even if it was hard to accept that it was in part your fault. For all the times you’ve held him to you, telling him that it was not his fault, that he’s a good man, that he deserves to be loved....just one stupid time broke that fragile wall that you’ve come to create in your time together.

You rose from the bed, not being able to listen anymore because it was phisically hurting you to see him suffer like that.

-Bucky.- you called him then cleared your troath the best you could manage. He looked up at you, his cerulean eyes were shiny and now seemed almost transparent with the tears. You walked to him and circled your arms around his shoulders, pushing him flush against you. He let himself go, starting to sob while you scratched the hair at the nape of his neck lightly with your fingertips, the other hand on his upper back rubbing up and down. You bit your lip to stop your quivering lips while you tried to talk.

-Bucky, I’m the one who has to ask for forgiveness. I just now realize what my words must’ve meant to you. You probably felt betrayed, humiliated, wrong, and fuck I’m so, so sorry baby...so sorry.- you cried and he tried to separate himself from you, but you held him right there and he remained still, understanding. You wouldn’t have been able to finish if you looked at his face.

-I want you to know that it’s not true, okay? What I said. You are trying, and I can see that. We all can, I promise you. You just need more time, but we will get through this together and it’ll be okay, alright? I’ll always be with you when you need me. I don’t have excuses for saying that apart from the fact that I was tired and that the last two months have been hell. For both of us. That’s why I’m not angry at you for what you said. I understand the circumstances, and that you really didn’t mean it. Bucky I know how much you love me, and I want you to know that I love you too. So goddamn much that it destroys me to see you like this. You don’t deserve this. You know all those times, after you had a nightmare, or you felt insicure about something..all those times I told you that you deserve to be loved, that you’re a good man and trying your best?- you felt him nod a little on your shoulder, and you smiled nodding on your own.

-I really thought that. And I still do. I’ll never change my mind. So, you’re the one that should be angry, not me. But remeber that I’ll always love you and nothing’s gonna take me away from you. That’s not something you have to worry about.- suddenly he backed away from your shoulder, colliding his lips with yours in a kiss.

You both seemed to forget the detail that you were having a kinda complicated conversation, because the kiss deepened and you started by taking off his hoodie, he then he slipped your sweatshirt above your head, leaving you just with a white tank top that left little to nothing to the imagination and he groaned, attacking your neck with wet kisses and bites. You gasped and reached to push down his sweatpants, but the doorbell rang interrupting the two of you. You looked at each other and quickly tried to recompose yourselves. You tries to brush your hair with your fingers and wiped away the tears with your palms while he did the same, passing to you his hoodie that was quicker to put on.

-Thanks.- you said while he went to open the door. A hotel emplyee had brought a cart with several covered plates of food. He widened his eys a bit when he saw the couple.

-Room service. I believe that you called earlier, sir?- Bucky rose a hand then letting it fall quickly as a confirmation.

-Yeah, I did. Thanks very much. The drinks are in th mini bar, right?- he asked. The employee nodded.

-Exactly, sir. May I enter the room? Unfortunately I can’t leave the cart here, so I’ll have to place the plates inside.- you cleared your troath.

-Yes, sure.- you gave permission and with your spy skills you picked up your discarded sweater from the floor before he could see it. Bucky stepped aside, letting the man in. He pushed the cart inside and started to place the plates onto the coffe tabl in front of the couch. You had your arms crossed while you waited.

You moved your gaze and met Bucky’s one. He was leaning against the wall nearby, mirroring your position, and he was looking at you with the slightest smirk, a look in his eyes that made you blush. You were an adult, vaccinated, professional spy, and a man was making you blush like you were a fifteen year old girl. Unbelivable, you scolded yourself mentally.

You had to do something to distract yourself or you would’ve probably melted on the spot, so you went near the employee and started to help him. Bucky really did the most with Tony’s credit card uh?, you thought.

-Let me help you.- the man started to say that it wasn’t necesary, but you shut him up saying that you didn’t mind.Two plats later you finished arranging everything and he wished you a good evening and dinner.

-Tony’s gonna be real happy I bet.- you chuckled and your boyfriend walked behind you, wrapping his arms around your middle, his chin resting you your shoulder.

-Can we finish our conversation? I just want to be okay with everything, that’s all.- he asked softy, calmly. You sighed and turned to face him, his arms still holding your figure.

-What you said...I won’t deny that it’s true, it hurted. Just like I hurt you. I think that was the main purpose, for how awful that sounds. We weren’t in the right state of mind to have a decent conversation, like we are now, and that’s okay. You forgave me and I forgive you. I don’t doubt that you mean it when you say all those sweet things- he nuzzled your nose with his making you smile while he mirrored your expression before going serious again -Because I trust you. With my life. I don’t know if I deserve it, but. - you tried to intervene, but he shut you up with a quick peck on the lips.

-Please, let me finish. The point is, I don’t want something like this to happen ever again. I don’t want to have periods where we don’t talk or when we do we tear each other apart, because then bullshit like this would exit our mouths even if we don’t mean it. I think, if you agree, that we should put this behind our backs, and instead promise each other to talk when we feel the urge to. What d’ya think?- your eyes were fond while you smile at him, your hand on his cheek, caressing his cheekbone with your thumb.

-I think that’s perfect.- a sweet kiss, then you separated from him going towards the minibar.

-Now,- he smirked watching you -How about we celebrate?- you bend down to take a bottle of, you were sure of it, very expensive red wine and turning back to him.

-I say that I want to eat that food before I eat you.- his strong hands landing on your hips to drag you flush against him, a sly smile half hidden by his teeth tugging at his bottom lip. You laughed, still holding the bottle.

-Well, then let’s eat, because I’ll need all the strenght I can get to love you properly later.-

Hi again. This got LONG. Also, tell me if it’s shit, I promise I’ll never write something like this again in that case lol

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