#atlas of the heart is a really good book about emotions btw and i recommend it a lot^^

[a-beautiful-crow]

hi! may i ask for some advice on something? how does one speak up for one’s self when they feel like they’re terribly rotting inside due to severe suppressed anger by tolerating someone’s flaws/weaknesses/behavior for years? you see, that’s what’s happening with me right now with a relative to whom i’m very much irritated with. i think my anger towards him have been so much to the point i get agitated whenever i see him or even hear his name. how do i overcome this? they say to always forgive but it’s so difficult when i’m seeing a pattern all over again. any advice would be of help.

I’m so sorry that you’re caught in this situation (and that I’m responding so late). I’ve read a lot about anger, resentment, and forgiveness. I hope that I was clear in all of this and that what I’m going to say will help you in some way. 

So, there is a tendency that people involved in religion have (including myself) to tolerate people’s behavior rather than confront or set up boundaries. It’s really important to know that tolerating someone’s behavior is not good. Setting boundaries in any relationship is healthy, it helps you achieve sanctity, and it feels much better than putting up with behavior you don’t like. 

Tolerating things builds up negative emotions within you. It piles up until it becomes harder to control. Then, your emotions start to influence and take control of your actions. Spiritually, that’s incredibly bad for you! One of the most important lessons you will ever learn about conquering sin is that you have to have complete control of your body, i.e your actions, words, etc. It’s very difficult to control your actions under repetitive intense emotions. Establishing boundaries and forgiving someone is meant to help you spiritually and emotionally.

You don't need to set boundaries to forgive someone, but it helps a lot. People always talk about forgiveness but I don’t think they truly understand what forgiveness is. Forgiveness means to let go of the negative emotions and thoughts associated with a person. It’s hard to do that, and that’s okay. Forgiveness is a skill that even though it’s necessary, it’s also difficult to master and it takes patience. 

It’s also important to note that getting angry in some situations isn’t bad. It’s also not always a sin. If you express your anger and control it correctly, it’s good. It’s hard to do, but it’s good for you. It helps clarify what is wrong and addresses the issue, it can help you solve the problem and seek justice, and once someone asks for your forgiveness, your heart will be at rest. 

There’s a few things that help me with forgiveness and at expressing my anger well. I’ll list them in a way that I think that if you follow them in that order, it’ll be easier for you.

Give yourself space. Get out of the room that the person who is causing you to feel angry is in. 

Let yourself feel your emotions and sort them out. Ask yourself questions like What bothers me? Why? Can he change that? How do I ask him to do that? 

Remember that it's not ridiculous or unreasonable to establish any kind of boundary. If it’s causing a problem, it is serious. 

Once you’ve calmed down and you know what you’re going to say (for me I usually say stuff like “dude I didn’t want to say anything but it bothers me a lot when you ______. Please stop/don't do it anymore” the point is to be calm and concise. Some people ask why and that’s okay but you don’t have to answer. I don’t lol)

If someone decides to be mean about it, then express how you feel. “I want to be around you but it’s hard because you always do _____” “I just want to get along” and remember you can always leave if someone is hurting you. I hope it doesn’t get to that point, but there’s no shame in doing so. 

After all of this happens it’ll probably be easier to forgive someone. Because you’ve either solved the problem or you know that everything on your end is resolved. Something that I do that helps me forgive someone even though they aren’t sorry is to think to myself “If I had done that to someone, I’d want that person to forgive me. Sometimes I’m stubborn and it takes time for me to regret what I do. I want to be a person that can forgive someone as stubborn as me”. 

There’s a lesson in every negative experience and situation. I am confident that the next time you start to see a similar problem like this in the future, that you’ll notice it in the beginning and calmly state your boundaries before anything starts to escalate. I hope this whole thing gets better for you and I'll be praying for you!