#at work than i do anywhere else. im so incredibly isolated it tears me up every night

[pkbeamgamma]

wasnt expecting an online match to be the catalyst of a breakdown over everything in my life the past several weeks. straw that broke the camels back ig

[nalanamora-blog]

Empty Body

I made my decision. I saw our future. Yes, we would be away from everyone. Isolated in a place unknown, foreign to me. A new start. My life was headed downhill anyways. This was practically a godsend. I started questioning myself. Wondering why I even hesitated in the first place.That Wednesday evening he called me. I was home alone at my roommates house. 

 Lets call him June. 

I had met June at work. My first job at a popular retail store. Beach-y vibes one would say. I was 17. He caught my eye on his first day. My new manager... Short, but incredibly handsome. His blond hair brushed up with pomade. He smelled amazing, fresh espresso off his breath. He loves coffee. Its like it was happening all over again. He would never see me in the same light he stands in from my angle. However, we became friends instantly. Asking each other riddles and playing silly games. I had a friend. A few months after, he quit and found a job downtown. When my parents gave me the boot, he took me in… no questions. 

I lived with June for 4 Months. We did everything together. Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and even going to parties together. John knew (not so much about the parties). June’s was the only place I could go on account of my cat. (Most of my friends are allergic.) I was happy there. As happy as a girl could be when her family’s no longer in her life and her boyfriend is across the country for months at a time. He kept me sane. Made me feel like everything that was happening was for a reason. June justified my emotions, made me feel loved. He was on my side. He made me bright again. Twenty-three years old with his own place, a stable job, a decent car, and a big heart. 

 I answered the phone; June was still at work. It was John. He sounded weary. A knot formed in my throat and made my stomach turn. I knew he was bearing bad news. I asked him about his day. Small talk to avoid the elephant in the room… to no avail. He left. Over the phone too. I was pissed. He never bought the ticket. Was never even close. Probably lied to me the entire time.

 “Why though? After all that we had been through you pick now to leave me? When I needed you you the most. You said you’d take care of me? What’d did I do wrong? Did you find someone else? If that’s the case just tell me. Am I not good enough? Do you like making me cry?”

 “I don't want to be the reason you sacrifice school, your friends or family.” “I want you to live your life to the fullest.” 

 I couldn’t piece it together. The entire reason he did this was for me right? I mean, thats what he told me in the beginning. That’s what I went on to believe. This…. This I couldn’t believe. I cried. I begged. I screamed at the top of my lungs. A wave of emotions flooded through me. Anger, confusion, sadness, rage, hate. I hated him. I hated him for abandoning me the way my family did. I had no one. He lied. He lied to me. He told me he would take care of me. Maybe I was stupid enough to believe him. Its my fault. There’s no one to blame but myself. So I did. I hated myself. I turned into a sad small fragile shell of myself. I needed help. I was spiraling. 

 I called Dad. 

He dropped whatever he was doing to come and get me. My hero. I packed my bags and moved back home. Things were different. They wanted me home at certain times, wanted to know what I was doing, where I was going, who I was with, and how long I was gonna be gone. They hovered like most parents do. They were worried about me. I was living my own life before. Now I needed to follow the rules under my parents roof. I handled it well… for a while. Three to two weeks later they booted me again… In the mean time I got over John, fast. If he could leave me so quick, so could I. It was only a few weeks before June and I were an item. 

June saved me. We would hang out almost every day. Normally we'd just hang at his pad watching old films. Other days I would come over, plop down on the couch, and he would play the piano. The music always made me cry. He knew my heart was broken. My family didn’t feel like family anymore, the love of my life was gone, and a close friend had passed away all in the same month. When he finished the song, he would sit by my side, hold me and wipe my tears. I loved that he let me be me. I was dangerously vulnerable but I felt safe. When I got the boot the second time around, June came to my rescue; again, no questions asked. What started as a friendship soon evolved into something more. I found the love I lost just months ago. But June didn’t want the traditional relationship that I so badly longed for. June wanted an open relationship. He wanted to see other people while seeing me. I wasn’t sure if I was okay with that. 

We accept the love we think we deserve. 

The Perks of Being a Wallflower. If you haven’t read it… do yourself a favor and read the book before you watch the movie. This quote from the book is so true. The second time around living with June, we discussed living terms. I didn’t want him to change his lifestyle because of me. He could have anyone over, date whoever. Just let me know and I’ll spend the night at another friend’s house. At this point in our relationship, we functioned as friends with benefits. It didn’t bother me, until it bothered me. He would talk about other women when we would walk anywhere public, he would see other people, invite people over, the works. I decided that this isn’t what I wanted and I had to tell him. 

 He was sick of me… Even said it to my face. So I moved out. We were too close. He saw the side of me that none gets to see. I was stuck in my sadness. A cycle of pain that felt never-ending. When I lived with my high school friend Alexis I would disappear for weeks. Go off the radar. Wouldn't text him, wouldn't call him. It wasn’t long until I received a text as if nothing ever happened. Said he just needed to “miss me” because right now… he didn’t. I was tired of being the side chick. I felt like the main. I acted like the main. I wanted to be the main. He would tell me how stupid he was for not making me his. I suppose he was… still is… He finally asked me out. 

Close to the beginning of December. I was the happiest girl alive… Christmas was coming and I needed to get the guy who’s done everything for me everything. I wanted his Christmas to be special. He left early for a trip to some place in the mountains to see the stars and mentioned he wouldn’t be back until after new years. I texted him. The typical new years text from a fresh love. 

“I can’t wait to start the year off with you…” 

 Blah blah blah. 

 I was so in love. He never replied. Nope. Not once. He came back and didn’t even have a Christmas gift for me. I was crushed. I didn’t understand why The love and affection I was giving wasn’t being reciprocated. I was giving him my all, even compromising my relationship standards to accommodate his lifestyle. I just wasn’t enough. I would do anything for this man but he just didn’t want to love me exclusively. I was just a toy. Objectified… just a sure fuck. Thats all I was. A warm body to slip into when his luck was out for the night. I felt disgusting. There were times during sex when I wanted to cry. It felt strange. Im not saying he raped me, but I just didn’t want it. Not this way. It wasn’t real. He told me he loved me and I believed him because he did. Just, not the way I loved him. He dumped me. This time, I knew it was coming. It was easier than you’d anticipate. Our friendship was stronger than any other aspect of our relationship. It was still easy to be his friend. We remained friends. Still to this day. After we ended things, we tried to be friends. It was hard, but eventually we stopped talking. Then I met.. 

Lets call him Moe.