#at this point i feel very little envy over cis people and even cis guys (unless it's for specific reasons)

[uncanny-tranny]

The thing that sucks sometimes about transition envy is that, I guess you almost expect yourself to "grow out" of it the more you transition. I used to feel so much envy, and it was something I hoped would stop once I transitioned medically, and while it's absolutely less frequent... man, when I experience transition envy, it's still just as bitter a cocktail as I remember. It can be hard to move past that, and almost... resent the other person/s, but what helped me is knowing that the person you're envying isn't specifically trying to make you, personally, feel like absolute shit. Just as you can't always help what you are envious about in other trans people, they can't help that they have traits or transition experiences or opportunities you do not have, you know? And absolutely, it sucks. But it's something that helped me because then it's a reminder that the world isn't Out To Get Me, you feel?

I think a lot of us can relate to the experience of transition envy, and it's shameful to admit to it, I suppose. It's hard to admit to envy in general, but it's important to not be judgemental about yourself. Your transition is as unique and beautiful and worthy as literally everyone else's and I hope you remember that forever

[thedysphoriadiaries]

Entry 54 - The Final Entry? - 10th June 2023, 9:27pm

It is eight days to my next counselling appointment.

It has been three days since I returned from the fishing village of Kukup, Malaysia.

I've had five days, and four nights to think about myself - for the first two nights, when it was too cold for me to sleep, I'd go into the kitchen of the space we stayed in, to make some hot water for myself to clear my nose.

That little part of her still resides in my chest, but I've grown used to her presence (except for the increased sensitivity of that overall area). I like feeling it inside, but I sometimes wonder if I had made a mistake.

I find it a little interesting - in a way, it's a litmus test:

Would I want that on my other chest, or would I want everything to go back to normal?

Even now, I have no answer to that question. I truly reside in between the realm of the cis and the not cis.

Some would argue that no cis person would take HRT.

And others would argue that not all who are even willing to try something like HRT are trans.

Both are right, in their own ways, and between the constant oscillation between wanting to have breasts, and being worried about the growth in my chest, I find myself still, all the more, confused.

There are times when I think about the bud, and about when I stopped taking the patches. Truth be told, there was another reason why I stopped taking the patches, other than the fact that other people would eventually find out about the bud:

No matter what happens, I will look into the mirror and see a guy who is trying to be a girl.

But I won't be able to claim the label of a totally cis guy.

After all, what kind of guy wants to be a girl? What kind of guy would be so interested in the lives of the women around him that he'd base decisions on that interest?

I doubt very many guys can ever claim to be a part of this group.

And, if I had it my way, I'd rather not be a guy, but, oh well. It's how I was born. It's the hand I have to live with.

A friend of mine (admittedly, someone whom I can see a version of myself in, but with a lot more fight in them) wrote in their works:

A *massive fear* that I had was essentially that people would think that this is a phase, that people would point to me as an example of why the gates that still keep out trans people today - that might also keep me out - are supposed to be there. “Look at him,” they’d say. “He messed with his gender and he fucked up.”

That's an awfully long phase, they'd say (and said).

Yet, I question.

Why is it so that a friend of mine for seven years who experienced firsthand what a broken family was like, grew out of adversity stronger, and I did so (out of emotional neglect) with a mask on?

That same friend said it was about mindset.

Yet, how would that explain how my mind was never able to sharpen the same way others' could?

Either it's trauma, or something biochemical.

...

I made a promise to myself:

No matter who or what I end up as, I will try my best to be me, and embody myself.

And, I have a feeling that the answer encroaches.

Even as I look at the girls around me, and wish I was one of them, I... accept that their world is not mine to be in. I will not know what it's like to have my own bits, to live my own slice of life as a girl. I will not know what it's like to carry a child, or what it's like to talk without a baritone.

I will not know what it's like to have the kind of hair that I would like.

I know that I will look into the mirror and see a guy staring back. But he is me. And I am him (and to some extent, her).

I know that I will feel that envy come back, as I carry on in life. As I see others live out a life that I was so interested in, from when I was a kid, poring over diagrams of female anatomy, or looking at the women around me as they lived their lives.

I know that I will feel the anger that comes with the vicarious living through others. But maybe I will find that the obsession I have is purely sexual in nature.

I know that I will feel a sense of loss. Of jealousy, as I watch the girls go out on girls' nights out.

But, I'm fine with that. After all, there are not many guys who can claim to want to be girls, much less be cool with the idea of sex changes.

And, it's fine to envy them. It really is.

Do you want to be her, be like her, or be with her?

My answer is all three.

Their world is not mine to be in. Even if I call myself a she.

And I'm okay with that. Truly.

...

I find myself in the room, with the two buttons in front of me.

One changes my sex.

Another removes all doubt about my gender.

...

I leave the room.

There are bigger issues than who I am.

Maybe next time.

...

It's not an excuse to use my deadname, though.

[my-darling-boy]

hello alastair! wondering if you can give some advice... I am fairly certain I am not cis female, but the dream career I am working towards is *very* concerned with physical appearance and unfortunately many of the people in this field are extremely conservative. I have come so far in pursuing my dreams—I honestly am shocked that I’ve been as successful as I have—but I am afraid that if I come out all of that will crumble. I am also not sure if I actually feel transmasc or if I am just nonbinary & tired of sexual harassment. I would love to hear how you knew you were transmasc as well any advice you might give for whether or not it’s a good idea to come out. thank you so much ♥️

First of all, I’m sorry you’ve been put into that kind of difficult position :(

Explaining how I knew I was a trans man is kind of difficult? Since gender and the way we figure ourselves out is a very socially oriented thing, I lack perception there since I’m autistic. For a long time, I never understood society had attached genders to clothing, toys, music, or hobbies. I didn’t even understand society had attached certain body parts and pronouns to genders! As a young kid, I simply just felt like a Person, no matter what pronouns I was called as a child. All I knew was that every time I saw what society referred to as boys, I’d think “OH that’s me! This is a direct reflection of myself!” Without words, I was always identifying with men before I...technically even knew what men were? From an early age, though I was friends with cis girls, I had mostly cis male friends because I knew I was them, not like them. But I didn’t understand why I couldn’t use the same bathroom as them or stay over at their houses. I thought, “But wait, I’m one of them... why aren’t they seeing me as exactly one of them? What’s different about me?” And tbh it wasn’t until I was about 8 when I started figuring out what genders were and that I wasn’t being perceived as a boy, and you can imagine my shock :’) I’ve only ever really known myself as a man, I didn’t suffer from dysphoria because I just didn’t think certain body parts on me were recalling my birth gender, so there wasn’t any discomfort to feel; my body parts were on me, and I’m a man so... they’re male body parts? Dysphoria isn’t compatible with the way I’ve always seen myself, and neither are a lot of the social reference points I see present in other trans people using like “gender envy” for instance. I don’t think the language available to me to describe how I knew does me any justice. It’s not that I’ve “always known” since I popped out, but at the same time, I didn’t feel I “figured it out” in the traditional sense. My male identity has always felt innate to me, for even when I had no word for it initially, the feeling was always present. I find it’s the same way you don’t have to know what lungs are to feel yourself breathe, your body just knows.

So, I guess an important part of figuring out your gender if you feel on the fence: sometimes we get so wrapped up in our outward presentation, what others think of us, social obligations, gender roles, etc, that we forget we need to look inwards too. I was lucky and was able to develop in my own little bubble which social constructs were not able to get through to sway me as a child, and because of all that introspection, unaware if the way I was presenting was “right or wrong” or “masculine or feminine” I was simply allowed to be and listen to myself.

I know I’m in no position to tell you if you should come out, cos it’s not my place. But if it’s any help or something to think about, I could share a little story?

I’m not out in my large workspace as trans, maybe only a couple people vaguely know I’m gay, no one knows I’m ace, only one person knows I’m autistic. Everyone just thinks I’m a cis man. Sometimes I think what would happen if I wore a trans flag on my shirt or an autistic infinity rainbow on my mask or a gay flag pin. Of course I think of the customers seeing me, the ones who will make comments and laugh under their breaths or call me slurs or insult me directly. And it makes me not want to wear those things sometimes, no matter how proud of myself I might feel. But then one day, a kid came into the store—and I live in a conservative area—with their parent and their sibling, and the kid had a large non-binary flag draped over their shoulders like a blanket. And I just sort of stood there for a minute. In a county even I feel afraid to reveal myself in sometimes, this kid was wearing their identity not just on their sleeve, but like a super hero cape for everyone to see. And even though I’m not non-binary, I felt seen. I thought, what if someone closeted saw my pride flag pins, or someone saw my infinity rainbow, or a trans coworker who was feeling just as alone was able to know I was trans too...maybe I could help others feel seen and learn to be even more comfortable in my own skin, maybe build up more resilience to awful people?

I guess if feel like if I come out in some situations, even when I could be wronged or laughed at, it will guide me towards the people and opportunities that are right for me and root out the bad ones so eventually I won’t have to live hiding around the clock. And maybe best of all, I can help someone else feel not so alone in a place that makes us feel like we are. If I ever found myself in a place in my life where many people looked up to me or were inspired by me, do I want them to think I’m just some cishet neurotypical guy... or do I want people who feel underrepresented to feel like they have representation and show myself I can be true to myself and accomplish what I do as I am, even when there are thousands of eyes on me? Again, definitely no one should feel obligated to come out or do any of this, cos some places are Really Awful, but it’s just something I think about in my own personal situation. Hope some of this could help??

[daisyachain]

hi!! i've been reading through your ao no flag liveblogs lately and they're really interesting! i enjoy seeing someone so passionate about this manga and it makes me want to reread it .... i'm really interested in hearing what you have to say about masumi's ending though!! part of me thinks it makes sense but i'm mostly conflicted on it and would love to see it from your perspective ^^

haha well thank you! ah yes, the arc that created as much controversy as you can get in an active readership of like 10 people...

Blue Flag is an imperfect story, but it also gets a lot of flack for things that a) didn't...actually...happen, b) didn't happen in the way people think they did.

Part 1: Is it actually straightwashing?

The most common criticism I see of Masumi's ending is that she was written as a lesbian character and straightwashed at the end. Marrying off a female character as a way to 'fix' her issues is a common and harmful trope, and saying that lesbian women just need to get a man is a widespread homophobic trope and talking point. So, it's not a good look. To have a character angst over interest in a woman and end up happily married to a guy reads like a '50s pulp novel that just uses f/f attraction for marketing.

But, if the intention of the ending was to show that Masumi should give up on women and force herself to date men, then it doesn't. Mitsuyuki's description of her is 'look at my bisexual wife who has dated both women and men and could also have married a woman', which is an odd choice if the intention was straightwashing. It feels more like a clumsy way to make sure that, in a series full of ambiguity, there could be no argument that Masumi was queer. That isn't to say that cisstraight people don't view bisexuality as less/better than/straighter than her being lesbian and that making a previously gay character bisexual isn't still straightwashing (increasing the appearance of straightness).

Part 2: Was it actually a retcon?

So: Masumi's ending reaffirms that she's a WLW. One question is, was she always meant to be bisexual, or was she originally written as lesbian?

Blue Flag doesn't have a lot of straight (no pun intended) answers. Taichi never expresses any explicit attraction to guys, but there is enough subtext to suggest he's attracted to Touma well before the finale. Futaba believes she is attracted to Touma at first and is shown to be attracted to him using the visual shorthand of manga (blushing, etc.), but she later says that it was just misinterpreted admiration. Mami doesn't want to date Touma or any man, but she implies that she is attracted to Touma when she says around him she was 'glad to be a woman.' Within the main romance, Futaba says that it was specifically because Taichi was a friend to her that she grew to like-like him. The lines between friendship and romance are blurred in Blue Flag, and sometimes romance can only grow out of friendship.

Masumi has a tense conversation with Taichi in the first half after she breaks up with her boyfriend that most people (me included) read as her saying that she tried guys and she just isn't and can't be attracted to them. However, it's Blue Flag, so the conversation is unfocused and doesn't paint a complete picture.

"Even if I get a boyfriend, I can never make it work"/"I don't know why [I don't like him anymore]" seem to imply that Masumi realized that she was feeling compulsory heterosexuality and that she will never like men. "[I don't know] why he like someone like me"/"You can be friends with potential sexual partners? With both guys and girls?"/"I just wanted to hear how you men feel about [a girl liking other girls]" seem to imply that Masumi is bisexual and is afraid to date because someone might find out. Maybe she's written as questioning--she knows she likes Futaba, but she's feeling out other possibilities. It's Blue Flag, so it's unclear.

Part 3: How does it work with Masumi's arc?

Diving further into Masumi's story, she acts as a foil to Touma (and Futaba, see later). Touma feels free to show his affection for Taichi as a friend as well as a love interest and almost confesses to him of his own free will, well before he's forced to. Touma tells her that he intends to try and set Taichi up with Futaba (because they would be good for each other), and also that he intends to pursue Taichi in some way. He tells her he's "not like [her]."

For Masumi's part, she tells Touma that she wants to express more affection for Futaba--not necessarily in a romantic way, just to participate more fully in that relationship--but she's afraid to, she doesn't feel confident enough to try, and that she's "the worst" because of it. We see this theme repeated, that Masumi is pessimistic, is afraid to trust people and hates herself for being afraid. Her conversations with Aki and Mami explore this; Aki tells her that it's not bad to be insecure or unready and that it's fine to keep a secret/stay closeted until she's ready, Mami tells her that she does have people she can trust, who care about her and who will do their best to understand her and help out. Why am I typing all this out? Because Masumi is a bitter, insecure wlw and that is an Established Trope, but her twist on it is that her negativity or bitterness isn't over her attraction to women/to Futaba or even over the reaction she might get from others (as Touma's is), it's over her own insecurity. Like Futaba, she's hesitant to act on her feelings, and like Futaba, she gets frustrated and hates herself for her own inaction.

All that is to say--Masumi is never shown to have a problem with her attraction to women. Her angst isn't gayngst, she's not ashamed of her feelings for Futaba bur rather her inability to express them. Her problems are with social attitudes and more with her own personal feelings--she and Touma face similar problems, but Touma is simply aware of the consequences (being roughed up and ostracised by a certain group of people) while Masumi feels a more generalized and ambiguous fear.

If Masumi were shown to have mixed feelings about her queerness/were shown to be in denial/were shown to be trying to move on from Futaba, then her ending would read more as straightwashing. As it is, there's nothing in her character and arc to say that she'd ever want to erase that part of herself or get rid of it, rather, she wishes she could embrace it but she just doesn't feel confident in doing it. Her ending shows her as an openly bisexual woman who is out to her friends and husband at the very least, which is a completion of her arc in the manga (of learning to trust other people and express her feelings honestly).

Part 4: What context clues does the rest of the series give us?

This is branching off a little from the strict text of Parts 1-3. As I've said, as we know, Blue Flag is 50% subtext and interpretation. Characters speak, but they don't say what they mean, characters think, but they're not always honest with themselves or in tune with reality. Mami is an ominous and antagonistic figure in the first half, but then it just turns out that Taichi was jumping to conclusions. Taichi is the main character and narrator, but we get radio silence from him for like 7 chapters after the climax. Taichi is bisexual, but the reader has to guess that from the way the art style shifts between PoVs, the similar panelling between Futaba and Touma's confessions, the things he does and does not think about Touma and how he feels about them. It's safe to say that there is room for speculation.

First, there is no explicit evidence that Taichi could be bisexual before ch 54. It's easy to tell that he is, but again, there's nothing specific. Some people reading Blue Flag have said that him marrying Touma was out of character, unforeshadowed, bizarre, inexplicable, etc. because their experienced is coloured by their own heterosexuality. Masumi is shown to have dated a guy and in saying she didn't like him "anymore," implied that she did like him. Her conflicted feelings over her bf could well have been foreshadowing her liking men as well, and my reading that as comphet could have just been my own experience colouring the text. Who knows! Taichi's bisexuality was intentional from the start but could be read as a last-minute twist, so why not Masumi's?

Second, Mitsuyuki is Futaba 2.0. Same colouring, same personality. This could feel like a way of saying "Masumi just needs to like guys instead," but to me it reads deeper with some of the trans subtext around Futaba. One of my issues with Blue Flag is that it doesn't go further into Futaba's admiration/envy for masculinity and her uncomfortable relationship with femininity. As a cis woman who wants to be buff and mildly masculine, I can understand why she's a cis girl throughout and I don't necessarily think that she was supposed to be a trans guy. However, her relationship with masculinity draws a parallel to Mitsuyuki. Reading Mitsuyuki as a cis man, he is the combination of Futaba's personality and looks with her 'ideal form.' So, Masumi marrying Mitsuyuki can read as Masumi marring Ascended FutabaTM.

Third, Futaba having a faceless prop husband is interesting in the context of Mitsuyuki getting a name and personality. Mitsuyuki = Futaba and Mr. Kuze is a blank space, so the reader is prompted to reduce the scenario and slot Masumi into that blank space. Given Masumi and Touma's history as foils, I'm inclined to think that Mitsuyuki exists to show the road not taken. Back at the fireworks, Touma tells Masumi that he hasn't given up on Taichi, and Masumi says she doesn't intend to pursue Futaba even though the pining is making her miserable. Given that Futaba reacts a lot better to the idea of Masumi liking her than Taichi reacts to the idea of Touma liking him, given that we see Masumi has successfully wooed male!Futaba, I think that Masumi's ending shows that she could have ended up with Futaba if she chose to pursue her. She didn't and she still got a happy ending where she is confident in her sexuality and unafraid to trust, but she could have also had a happy ending where she married Futaba. Mitsuyuki is a man because desire-for-masculinity is a key aspect of Futaba's character, and Mitsuyuki is a named character with a personality because KAITO wanted the reader to know that Masumi could have ended up with Futaba (as Touma ended up with Taichi).

Fourth, KAITO's notes on volume give us a few hints. He comments that there was remarkably little interference with his story and that he was able to tell it as he wanted, and that the ending was meant to be a "question" to the reader. The way I see it, Masumi's ending wasn't meant to say "maybe you'll be fixed if you get a man" but rather was meant to complement Taichi's ending and say "things happen in ways you might not expect, but that doesn't mean they're bad."

Fifth, Touma/Taichi ending up together shows us that the series is willing and able to show queerness as a good thing and a happy ending, so it's unlikely that Masumi was meant to come off as "actually she just needed a man" and more as "life can be unpredictable but you can always find happiness"

Summary

It's unclear whether Masumi was written as a bisexual woman or a lesbian woman or a questioning wlw

I personally read her as a lesbian and I wish that part of her character had gotten more exploration

Masumi's ending wraps up her arc (struggling to trust other people with her feelings in general and her queerness in particular) in a satisfying and logical way

Masumi being bisexual does not in any way negate or lessen her identity and experienes as a wlw, bisexual people still face external and internalized homophobia and all the associated issues

Masumi's bisexuality may well have been foreshadowed, but the execution makes it easier to read her as a lesbian, which makes her ending seem like a homophobic cop-out in the style of the Hays Code

Masumi's ending doesn't straightwash her and goes to unusual lengths to affirm her attraction to women

Masumi's ending seems to be written to contrast Touma's ending, showing that getting or not getting the love interest depends entirely on whether you choose to pursue them

It's unlikely that authorial intent was to straightwash Masumi

[gingersnap-propaganda]

Top 10 Moshlings That Are gnc af

#10: Mr. Snoodle

While Mr. Snoodle is very subtle with his gender noncomformity, look at him rocking that purple eyeliner and pink blush!! Unfortunately, Mr. Snoodle is also cishet, which automatically makes him lose points, plus the lack of effort he puts into his genderconformity is quite clear if you've seen him next to his wife Mrs. Snoodle (who by the way, is a stylish girlboss icon). Because of this, Mr. Snoodle stands at the bottom of the list at #10.

#9: King Brian

We👏Stan👏A👏GNC👏King👏!!!💅 I mostly just put him on this list because I wanted to say that, but he is rocking that mascara! His gncness is far from over the top, however he is canonically bisexual (x), which automatically gives him the advantage over Mr. Snoodle, thus earning him a spot at #9.

#8: Hocus

Hocus legally had to be on this list, because all wizards are inherently gnc af. The robes, the staff, the fun hat, all hella gnc. However by wizard standards, Hocus is pretty mild with his gncocity, so when I consider the conversion factors, Hocus is technically only kinda gnc, even if he looks hella gnc by most standards. Because of this, our homie Hocus ranks in at #8.

#7: YaYa

Yaya is on here for a few reasons. For one, they are nonbinary (Mr. Mind Candy himself told me), and it's impossible to conform to a gender identity that has no real expecations to conform to. Plus have you seen their mane? Their lashes? Their fabulous pink cape? Yeah, this is one gnc zonkey! However YaYa has many tough competators that they're up against, so they still only earn a spot at #7.

#6: Furnando

Look at this fancy magic man! Honestly, I get gender envy from this funky lil guy. The top hat with the feathers on it, the mask, and the cape are a killer combo! Furnando also looks like someone whom one of my irl friends would kin, and that guy is also hella gnc, so he gets bonus points for that. "But tumblr user gingersnap-propaganda,"⁠—you might be saying⁠—"Furnando is so overwhelmingly gnc! How is he only at #6!?" Well my dear comrades, all I can say is that there are so many hella gnc moshlings! Even though Furnando ranks highly above average on the gnc-scale, even that is not enough to place him any higher than at #6.

#5: Weegul

Weegul encompasses a form of gender nonconformity that few people tend to truely appreciate: cutesy androgeny. They have no gender, just a a cute little smile, a round huggable form, a dazzling golden horn, a profound desire for incredible violence, and a cute lil heart tummy! Awwwww. Even though this little pal's gncness is off the charts, he still only ranks in at #5.

#4: Oddie

I know what you're thinking: that's one hella gnc donut!! In fact, his gender nonconformity is so obvious that I'm not even going to waste my time explaining what is already clear to you. One thing I know you're all thinking is "Wait, there's moshlings that are even more gnc that Oddie!??" and yes there is! Even though Oddie is pretty high up on this list, his gender nonconformity is surpassed by three other moshlings, putting him at #4.

#3: First Officer Ooze

Now that is a gnc snail! If you thought the snails here on Earth were enough as is, then your mind is probably being absolutley blown away right now by the sheer amount of gender nonconformity that this dude oozes (pun intended). Not only is xe purple (my favorite colour :3), but xe's also covered in polka dots, which gives xim gnc bonus points. But again, competition is tough! First Officer Ooze still only earns a spot at #3.

#2: Threddie

Shit dude, this sock has so much gender in all of the places you wouldn't expect it. The gender nonconformity that this sock contains is so unreal... if I could, I would leech away Threddie's gender for the taking like some sort of gender vampire, but I can't because gender vampires can't leech away other gender vampire's genders (that's how Threddie got all of that gender). What's so special about Threddie is that they took each and every one of their genders and expressed them in a completely different way than you'd expect. Yet still, there is yet another moshling that surpasses Threddie in gender nonconformity, which is why they are only in at #2.

#1: Glob

This blob's gender nonconformity is absolutely fucking buckwild. Every person, binary or nonbinary, trans or cis, can look at this blob and immediately feel gender envy. Tell me I'm wrong! Glob's form, Glob's colour, everything about Glob radiates chaotic gender energy. This blob has so much gender, prolonged exposure can and has killed people (haters will say it's the neurotoxins 🙄). If you don't believe that Glob is the absolute pinacle of gncocity, you can unfollow me right now (but actually don't ily <3). I think that I can say with absolute confidence that no other moshling deserves the #1 spot.

Thank you for reading this top 10 list!! Remember to like, reblog, and follow for more quality moshi monsters content <3

[jiminfms]

         *  hi  ,  my  name’s  tee  and  this  ain’t  a  waist  trainer  bitch  ,  this  a  back  brace  i  got  scoliosis  .  𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨  ,  𝐢𝐭'𝐬  𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫  𝐤𝐫𝐢𝐬   ( finally  )  !  i  prefer  either  feminine  or  non - binary  pronouns  ,  and  i  reside  in  the  est  time  zone !  it  has  taken  me  so  long  to  formally  write  and  i  highkey  hate  it  because  i  lost  muse  for  my  queen  miss  giavanna  ,  so  i  decided  to  bring  another  muse  instead  of  leaving  because  honestly  ...  i  love  ya’ll  🥺 .  the  way  i  love  miss  jennie  kim  is  more  than  i  wanna  admit  ,  so  let  me  introduce  you  guys  to  the  tiny  ball  of  aggression  that  is  jimin  jung !

          omg  !  i  was  walking  yonge  street  downtown  ,  and  you’ll  never  guess  who  i  saw  .  jimin  jung  !  i  just  saw  a  post  about  them  on  sixsecrets ! i  think  it  said  something  like  ' jimin  jung  physically  restrained  by  security  guards  following  a  verbal  argument  with  fellow  customer  at  drake  one  fifty ! ' .  isn’t  that  wild  ?  i  guess  it  makes  sense  though  ,  since  they’re  apparently  antagonistic  and  bellicose  .  but  i’ve  heard  they’re  also  sultry  and  voguish  ! i’ll  just  stick  to  giving  them  the  benefit  of  the  doubt  .  i  mean  ,  it’s  not  like  i  know  them  personally  —  they’re  a  famous  singer  /  songwriter  and  model  ! you  know  ,  i’ve  actually  heard  rumors  that  redacted  ,  but  they’re  just  rumors  …  i  think  .  i  dunno  .  if  you  happen  to  run  into  them  ,  tell  them  i’m  their  biggest  fan !

FULL  NAME  :  jung  jimin  .

NICKNAME(S) :  n/a  .

AGE  +  DATE  OF  BIRTH :  24  +  june  10th  ,  1996  .

ASTROLOGICAL  SIGN  :  gemini  .

MEYERS - BRIGGS  PERSONALITY  TYPE :  entj  .

MORAL  ALIGNMENT :  chaotic  neutral  .

GENDER  +  PRONOUNS  :  cis  female  +  she / her / hers  .

SEXUAL  ORIENTATION :  bisexual  .

ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION :  biromantic  .

PLACE  OF  BIRTH :  kensington  ,  london  ,  england  .

PLACE  OF  RESIDENCE  :  toronto  ,  ontario  ,  canada ( specifically  ,  in  the  neighborhood  of  forest  hill ) .

OCCUPATION  :  singer  /  songwriter  and  model  .

VOICECLAIM  :  dua  lipa  .

NATIONALITY  :  british  -  korean  .

ETHNICITY  :  korean  .

LANGUAGES  SPOKEN  :  english  ,  korean  ,  and  japanese  .

i.  prosopography  .

            jimin’s  story  begins  with  the  fateful  meeting  of  her  parents  ,  kim  seo - yeon  and  jung  do - young  ,  on  a  cold  winter’s  day  .  they  found  themselves  at  the  tender  ages  of  20  and  22  ,  attending  a  boring  christmas  gala  with  their  parents  when  they  would  have  preferred  to  do  anything  else  in  the  world  .  seo - yeon  was  a  women  who  knew  what  she  wanted  the  moment  her  eyes  landed  upon  it  ,  so  when  she  made  brief  eye  contact  with  do - young  ,  she  purposefully  spilled  a  glass  of  champagne  onto  his  expensive  tom  ford  suit  and  made  a  big  deal  of  it  .  this  sparked  their  whirlwind  romance  ,  and  six  months  later  they  found  themselves  announcing  their  engagement  to  korean  media  outlets  .

           despite  how  quickly  they  were  engaged  ,  their  parents  saw  this  as  mutually  beneficial  .  seo - yeon  is  the  youngest  daughter  of  the  wealthy  kim  family  ,  owners  of  the  kq  group  conglomerate  that  was  worth  billions  in  its  own  right  .  do - young  was  the  only  child  of  his  parents  ,  and  came  from  park  family  lineage  where  their  hotels  and  resorts  were  the  cause  of  their  fortune  .  the  families  were  soon  to  be  one  ,  and  the  couple  was  the  chaebol  heirs  that  others  envied  .  following  their  lavish  wedding  ,  seo - yeon  and  do - young  decided  that  they  were  going  to  head  off  to  london  to  make  a  life  for  themselves  .  so  ,  they  transferred  to  oxford  university  ,  finished  their  schooling  ,  and  shortly  after  seo - yeon’s  graduation  from  the  financial  economics  program  ,  the  couple  discovered  that  they  were  expecting  .

          it  was  a  sticky  summer  day  when  seo - yeon  unexpectedly  gave  birth  to  their  daughter  ,  who  decided  not  to  allow  her  parents  time  to  get  to  the  hospital  .  jimin  was  born  in  the  bathtub  of  her  parents’  luxury  bathroom  ,  and  right  into  the  arms  of  her  slightly  panicked  but  overjoyed  father  .  from  the  time  that  she  was  a  toddler  ,  araminta  was  a  very  precocious  child  ,  picking  up  on  skills  quite  quickly  and  speaking  in  few  short  sentences  by  the  time  she  was  eleven  months  old  .  as  she  grew  older  ,  jimin’s  parents  remained  hands  on  despite  their  busy  schedules  ,  and  decided  that  they  would  see  what  their  daughter  would  have  the  most  interest  in  .  when  she  was  four  ,  her  parents  began  piano  lessons  ,  and  it  was  evident  that  she  had  a  natural  gift  for  the  instrument  .

            life  for  jimin  had  always  been  comfortable  ,  but  she  didn’t  want  to  take  the  usual  route  ,  or  what  was  expected  of  her  .  she  had  always  been  interested  in  music  ,  so  she  she  originally  started  with  taking  dance  classes  .  she  trained  in  all  forms  of  dance  in  order  to  be  well  rounded  ,  and  she  initially  had  dreams  of  becoming  a  backup  dancer  ,  but  when  she  was  playing  around  and  decided  to  make  a  video  singing  a  song  that  she  had  written  all  on  her  own  ,  jimin  became  an  overnight  sensation  .  her  song  ,  hotter  than  hell  ,  blew  up  almost  instantly  and  she  was  signed  to  warner  music  group  .  

            i’ve  written  enough  VCJNXVBHCV  but  her  career  has  followed  the  timeline  of  dua’s  ,  although  it’s  slightly  off  by  maybe  the  month  or  the  year  .   she  has  won  a  total  of  forty - two  awards  in  her  career  ,  including  two  grammy  awards  and  three  brit  awards  .  although  miss  dua  got  a  lil  clowned  for  her  dancing  at  one  point  ,  i  must  say  that  jimin  is  quite  the  performer  ,  and  definitely  makes  use  of  the  stages  by  recreating  music  videos  or  simply  giving  the  audience  an  experience  .  she  has  not  released  future  nostalgia  as  of  yet  ,  but  it’s  what  she’s  currently  working  towards  !  through  her  career  ,  she  is  known  by  her  mononym  jimin  !

ii.  temperament  .

jimin  is  a  real  bitch  ,  but  she  doesn’t  go  out  of  her  way  to  ‘  out  bitch  ’  someone  because  she  finds  it  to  be  kinda  dumb  .  she’s  primarily  looking  to  have  fun  ,  and  no  one  is  about  to  be  bitchy  around  her  without  getting  snatched  up  .

she  parties  like  she  just  turned  twenty - one  and  dares  someone  to  say  something  about  it  !  invite  her  to  the  club  and  she’s  coming  without  a  second  thought  .  she’s  the  friend  who  will  make  plans  and  will  get  a  little  sad  when  people  cancel  on  her  ,  but  she’s  still  going  to  find  a  way  to  enjoy  herself  .

does  not  take  authority  seriously  and  she  can  be  seen  making  a  jerking  off  motion  whenever  someone  kisses  up  to  those  of  authority  .  talks  shit  ,  but  backs  it  up  because  if  you’re  bold  enough  to  talk  shit  you  might  get  hit  ,  right  ?  

she’s  a  sultry  bitch  and  she  loves  it  .  give  her  the  chance  and  she’ll  flirt  with  a  tree  ,  she’ll  flirt  with  a  plant  ,  and  she  might  flirt  with  your  significant  other  .  she  can  get  kinda  lewd  and  will  say  something  really  off - beat  ,  and  honestly  shut  her  up  if  you  do  .

the  epitome  of  a  gen - z  /  millennial  line  straddler  as  she  can’t  walk  past  a  mirror  without  taking  pictures  of  herself  .  sickeningly  vain  as  she  takes  pictures  at  any  chance  she  can  like  after  getting  her  hair  and  makeup  done  or  even  when  she’s  out  and  about  shopping  .    

iii. headcanons  .

jimin  is  quite  chaotic  and  she  does  not  hold  back  from  it !  she’s  a  pot  stirrer  ,  and  she’ll  watch  everything  unfold  as  if  she  wasn’t  the  one  to  start  the  problems  in  the  first  place  .  not  afraid  to  spread  a  rumor  or  putting  a  trolling  instagram  comment  on  one  of  her  posts  on  blast .  she  likes  to  be  petty  ,  but  she  can  back  it  up  ( but  it’s  NOT  fat  enough  😔 )  .  

her  style  is  vastly  different  than  what’s  expected  .  on  stage  ,  i  would  think  her  style  is  something  akin  to  kpop  stage  outfits  ,  but  not  necessarily  as  tame  .  she’s  not  afraid  to  show  skin  so  there’s  a  lot  of  embellished  leotards  and  heels  ,  dramatic  eye  makeup  and  perfectly  styled  hair  .  off  stage  ,  she  likes  a  relaxed  but  high - end  style  .  lots  of  denim  ,  lots  of  black  ,  loves  oversized  pieces  ,  but  she  loves  to  follow  trends  where  she  can  .

loves  to  yoga  ,  pilates  ,  and  anything  else  that  doesn’t  involve  having  to  go  to  an  actual  gym  .  she  especially love aerial  yoga  as  it  keeps  her  flexible  as  a  dancer  .

miss  jennie  didn’t  let  us  enjoy  it  long  enough  ,  but  jimin’s  hair  is  canon  to  jennie’s  blonde  pieces  ! she’ll  switch  up  the  color  every  so  often  with  temporary  dyes  ,  but  other  than  that  ,  it’s  usually  always  blonde  !

she  doesn’t  drink  st*rbucks  so  don’t  ask  her  to  go  ,  and  she  especially  doesn’t  go  because  she  likes  very  simple  coffee  drinks  .

iv.  wanted  connections  .

give  me  everything  ,  please  !  i’d  love  some  of  the  basics  like  former  friends  ,  best  friends  ,  industry  rivals  ,  friends  with  benefits  ,  confidant(s)  ,  frenemies  ,  good / bad  influences  ,  one  night  stand(s)  ,  enemies  with  benefits  ,  or  a  current  or  ex  fling  !

because  i  love  my  women  loving  women  ,  hand  over  the  ex  girlfriend  !  in  my  head  i’m  thinking  that  they  were  a  really  happy  couple  and  they  were  really  good  to  one  another  ,  but  they  drifted  apart  .  they  remain  good  friends  and  people  probably  think  there’s  still  feelings  because  they  can  be  rather  touchy  feely  with  one  another  (  👀 )  .

ifykyk  ....  but  i  love  angst  !  i  love  to  have  my  heart  ripped  right  out  of  my  chest  so  give  me  angst  in  any  form  :  angsty  friends ,  exes  ,  anything  !  

a  couple  who  are  stuck  in  a  limbo  !  they  have  yet  to  make  it  past  the  point  of  friends  ,   wondering  if  they’re  just  a  hookup  to  one  another  would  there  could  potentially  be  more  .  they  probably  fight  a  lot  because  of  those  underlying  feelings  ,  but  it  could  be  interesting  to  explore  either  way  !

give  me  enemies  !  and  not  for  fake  but  two  people  who  genuinely  dislike  one  another  .  it’s  not  surprising  for  jimin  to  not  get  along  with  a  lot  of  people  considering  the  fact  that  she’s  not  ...  the  nicest  ,  and  i’m  not  entirely  sure  as  to  why  they’d  dislike  each  other  ,  but  it  could  be  so  much  thank  u  KFJDFDS  .

give  me  the  heartbreak  that  still  lingers  i  will  sell  you  my  SOUL  .  maybe  their  relationship  was  good  ,  or  it  was  a  mess  KNFJD  ,  but  but  when  they  broke  up  they  haven’t  fully  gotten  over  it  yet  ?  probably  a  lot  of  lingering  looks  ,  and  giving  compliments  but  they’re  kinda  awkward  because  they  don’t  know  how  to  approach  each  other  sometimes  .

[segenassefa]

2: On Consumerism, Fighting Demons, and Societies Inevitable Collapse

Quarantine has been lowkey surreal. My constant complaint of never having enough time to do all the things I want/should be doing has now left me bored in the house, bored in the house, bored with nothing but time to get said things done. However, it is a dual edged sword - with the collapse and subsequent reformation of civil society outside my doors, it leaves me wondering – as well as a lot of other people – in the words of Miss Juicy…what the hell we gone do now?

Nearing the end of the first leg of my university career, I should be thinking about getting ready to transition to the next logical stages of adulthood - saving for an apartment, applying for permanent residency, as well as graduate schools and part time jobs. Yet, I’m worried about if these things will even be a possibility within the next month, six months, or even the next year.

On top of ALL of that, the recent BLM protests and the way that people (read: white people, Latinxs, Black men, homo/transphobes, etc.) have shown their asses the past few months is beyond mortifying - especially regarding the treatment of black women and how our value as individuals as well as a collective to society is really perceived.* This is not to downplay the murder of numerous black men in society, BUT who the fuck is riding for black women aside from other black women? And not just the ones who find attractive, or are racially ambiguous, or the ones you feel as if you get “guilted” into supporting and demanding justice for, I mean each and every black woman. I’m just saying, it gets pretty disheartening to feel like the legwork of the revolution is on the back of one category of people, and that your value to society is measured by the amount of emotional labour you’re ready to do for others, or how fat your ass is (but I digress…).

I feel like most people have used material things as coping mechanisms instead of actually facing their feelings and dealing with the things that bother them. Just think of the number of packages that have arrived on your doorstep the past few months. Breaking the glossy seal of packing tape is similar to therapy, until all the boxes are open, and you start feeling like shit again. And now, more than ever, there’s a lot to be bothered about. Western society has dedicated phrases based on the phenomenon of substituting true self-work with figurative emotional bandages (Phrases like comfort eating and retail therapy come to mind).

It’s nice to think that we – the people entering their adolescent and young adult years – will be the one to change these things, but suddenly it’s 2 am, you have twenty different things in your Amazon cart, (who the fuck needs a metal straw cleaning kit?) and you’re trying to see how far you can stretch and grab your debit card before falling off of the bed.

The conflicting messages pushed by society don’t help all that much either. If you look up “Kondo method” or “decluttering my closet” on YouTube, the numbers of videos that come up is astounding. Pages and pages of sweaty-faced, smiling YouTubers monetizing from this kind of faux “minimalism” only to post haul videos a few days later because “I threw everything out and now I have to rebuild from scratch sksksk!”. Does this not just perpetuate a cycle of buying and throwing and buying? I am....confusion, to say the least. Still I watch them, because I’m a hypocrite, and am also easily amused.

I will be the first to admit I have always had a very unhealthy relationship with money, with self-image, and with measuring my self-worth in proximity with “stuff that stems from a complicated relationship with physical self. Follow along:

Growing up, I was a fat kid. We don’t even have to sugar coat it. Think Terrio, but better eyebrows and more hair. Except I was not killin’ em, just myself. I always envied my friends who were able to go shopping at regular stores – read: Hollister, Abercrombie, Urban Outfitters (yes my friends were white), meanwhile I was condemned to shopping in the women’s department.

So, to compensate, I would buy trinkets – things like nail polish, lip gloss, journals, you get the point. My proximity to worthiness was measured not by the things that I bought, but within the act of buying. Growing up with parents who were also financially frugal also altered my relationship with money and blessed me with crippling buyers’ remorse after every purchase, even on things that are important (read: groceries).  

But as a kid, buying “stuff” was fun for me – it gave me some sort of purpose, and the acquisition of things (even if they weren’t the same things my peers had) made me feel like, to some extent, I could compete on the same playing field. As I got older, and I started to have real expenses, I moved towards second-hand shopping. I would religiously find myself at Goodwill on weekend, after school, or with friends. I could literally feel an endorphin rush when I would find something that I would consider a “good deal”, and it made me feel (again) purposeful, to be spending money, even if I didn’t need whatever I was buying.

I should also add that the people in my immediate family does not believe in thrift stores (“Why am I working for you to wear other people’s clothing?”, I remember my dad asking me one day), so the act of second-hand shopping was also my form of rebellion.

I began to amass a collection of clothing that would put Kylie’s closet to shame. I began buying things for events and situations that were yet to happen, for other people, for when I lose ten pounds. It was a madness.

In freshman year of university, I had an unhealthy relationship with clubbing clothes. Did I have the figure for clubbing clothes? Absolutely not. The funnier part is, I couldn’t even go clubbing because I wasn’t 19 at the time. And yet I had drawers and drawers full of the stuff. Not to mention that clubbing clothes is incredibly similar to summer clothing and living between Minnesota and Canada meant that these things were barely seeing the light of day.

The moral of this was – I could never figure out my relationship with stuff, This quarantine has forced me to try and break down the compulsion behind my behaviour.  I felt like I was spiralling the six weeks that they closed thrift stores, and I knew myself well enough to not try and online shop with the same kind of frequency as that. But the crazy part was, I didn’t die. I didn’t go into withdrawal (ok, I did a little bit, but whatever), and I was able to take the time to go through the things I already owned and find some hidden gems that were routinely buried in the cracks and crevices of my closet. It was like the episode of Family Guy when Peter realizes he has a vestigial twin – alarming and cool at first, but then it’s just alarming and annoying.

Its more embarrassing to realize that some semblance of myself image is tied to the frequency with which I am able to spend money. I would never say that participating in capitalist society gives me some kind of purpose as a black woman because God forbid. Also, considering that a lot of big names companies are actually racist and fatphobic as hell creates a whole new dimension for analyzing the power of my black dollar, sometimes creating another spiral of guilt leading to you guessed it – more spending.

As much as it seems like it, however, this self-reflection was not in vain. In the past month, I’ve cut down my closet from +200 pieces of clothing and shoes to about 40. If you ever want a fun, humbling activity this quarantine, just clean out your closet and be honest with yourself about how often you wear certain things. It was revolting to see the number of shirts, dresses, pants, skirts that I had bought and convinced myself wholeheartedly I was going to wear, only to pull them out of my closet months later with the tags attached *insert Marge Simpson covering her face meme*.

But at the end of the whole ordeal, it felt really good to look at my space and not feel burden or guilt. It was somewhat philanthropic realizing that not only will these clothes make someone else happier (I donated pretty much everything because it’s not always about money), but that my quality of life was not dramatically impacted in owning (or not owning) certain things. The past few weeks, I’ve spent more money on going out and sharing experiences with friends, but still nowhere near the same amount of money I would have spent buying clothes and other material possession.

Youtuber Kelly Stamps has a video on how minimalism “cured” her depression**, and the whole thesis boils down to the idea that owning less things gives you less to compare yourself too, thus making you happier (in a sense) and allowing you to focus the energy and time that would have been centered around maintaining and building your collection of possessions other things.

This still doesn’t break down the root of the issue, but it’s a start. I think when you have traits or patterns that you’ve participated in for so long, it becomes hard to step back and be objective enough to realize that you – yes, you – are part of the problem. I can blame my habits on a lot of things but at the end of the day, it’s important to realize that certain cycles seem never-ending because I actively choose to participate in these kinds of behaviours (accountability is sexy, huh?). While I’m not ready to face all my demons quite yet, it’s easier to do it with a nice wardrobe and a streamlined sense of mind.

Notes

*When I say black women, I mean ALL black women. Not some limited, cis-gendered, heteronormative view of what a woman is. Over here we ride for all those who identify as women.

**She emphasizes that she doesn’t actually means that it cured anything, but rather helped with her anxiety, and in turn, helped with her depression.

Links

That Family Guy Episode

The Kelly Stamps video

[tsutsukkomi]

HEXL /『ヒール』theory post

( trigger warning for mentions of transphobia, intrusive thoughts, and bullying! )

so here is my interpretation / theory post on what i think Loin’s song HEXL could mean, based mostly on visuals. i would just like to point that i myself am ftm, so this is a bit more of a personal interpretation based on the mv, though i will include very roughly translated lyrics if it adds onto what i'm trying to say.

this is my very first vocaloid theory post! i love loin and this song really hit home for me, so i wanted to write about it. plus lots of visuals because nekozemon’s art for the mv is gorgeous!

to summarize; i believe this song is about an ftm trans boy who was bullied for being trans, and was called a monster for it. at the end of the video, he accepts who he is and, if he truly is a monster, he decides to embrace it.

before i start, here are some things i was able to gather from @loin and @nekozemon’s (the artist’s) twitter. loin (@L0_1N)’s tag line for the song on their twitter describes hexl as “a story of a way of life that is not the leading role” (or at least, that’s what my translation said). nekozemon describes how, when they were younger, they would be forced into the team that would lose rock-paper-scissors in class, and mentioned how they wanted to make use of that experience / feeling in an mv. these are just rough translations though, so take that with a grain of salt!

trans terminology to know: ftm (female to male), afab (assigned female at birth), amab (assigned male at birth), agab (assigned gender at birth)

to me personally, the protagonist in this mv (uniform aside) doesn't look as masculine as, say, the "prince" character (who, for convenience sake, i'll just call prince). if you look at the protagonist at 0:09 and at 0:30 his hair appears to be a little longer and more unkempt than prince's is. this stood out to me and reminded me of when i first cut my hair short, and how messy and unkempt it was, and even though it was short it was still difficult for me to present as entirely masculine, and since this character is wearing a school uniform i’d assume this was their first time cutting their own hair / they’re inexperienced with it.

also, if you squint, the protagonist has pink lips, whereas prince doesn't, and the protagonist also has quite noticeable eyelashes. this character design reminds me a lot of an ftm person who is still slowly transitioning, and despite him wearing the male uniform, his facial features / hair still give away that he is afab.

if you look at prince, he doesn't have pink lips or eyelashes like that at all.

i would also like to point out prince's use of the line "化け物じみてる図体でさぁ……。" which roughly translates to "it's a monster-like figure..." this stuck out to me because trans people are often seen as "freaks" or "monsters", basically they're seen as different but for a bad reason. i know i experience a lot of similar discrimination in school due to my gender identity, and was called a freak for it as well.

additionally, the word "urameshi ya" is tossed in there, which roughly translates into "envy". the protagonist envies prince for being amab, for having it easy since he’s cis, and for not knowing what it feels like to get bullied the way our protagonist is.

at 0:31, in his bag, you can see the heels and the monster mask for the first time, and i believe they’re obscured in his bag (and even blurred before coming into focus) because, at this point and time, he doesn’t want neither the mask nor the heels to be seen, and he tries to hide them, as if to symbolize the protagonist wishing he wasn’t trans, wishing he wasn’t himself. i’ll get back to those.

at 0:39 the protagonist imagines his bully in the prince attire. i’ll get back to this as well since it comes up much more evidently again later on, but this was the first instance of it happening.

at 0:25, the protagonist is sitting beside this piece of gymnastics equipment that i can’t remember the name of. often p.e. classes require a change of clothes, and girls and boys tend to have different phys ed uniforms. protagonist sitting beside this piece of equipment and playing his game could symbolize him choosing not to participate in p.e. so as to not feel his dysphoria when he has to wear the phys ed uniform.

i can then see the protagonist playing his video game as symbolism for trying to immerse himself in a different world. this is something i also would do; i would play games or watch anime as a way to escape, and would try to superimpose myself onto the identity of, say, a male protagonist character, as a form of coping with my identity.

however, because of the constant bullying he received from prince, instead of seeing himself as the male video game character, he instead sees himself as the monster (remember that prince referred to him as a monster as well when he bullied the protagonist).

our protagonist chooses to see his bully as the prince character because the prince who bullies him irl is amab, and to him that is a sort of "royalty" or “luxury” the protagonist never got to have. after all, no one would bully a prince, right?

he's seen as inherently good solely for sticking to his assigned gender at birth. our protagonist, however, was seen as a monster for choosing to go against his birth gender and being ftm. the protagonist lets the monster kill his video game avatar because he sees it as himself (the monster) being able to stand up to his bully (the prince), if that makes sense.

also to note, a high heeled shoe can be seen in his eye at 0:53, possibly symbolizing that he’s still having trouble accepting his identity, and feels he is still too feminine for people to see him as a guy.

however, after the monster kills his avatar, the screen says "game over" (1:06). this could be symbolism for how, even if he stands up to the people bullying him for his gender, he won't win because he'll never be amab like them.

the protagonist thinks to himself, "時に、悪は愛より美しいぜ", roughly translated to "sometimes, evil is more beautiful than love". he thinks of himself as "evil" because he is the monster, but believes that just because he's "evil" doesn't mean he's ugly...?

i feel the "love" part could be in reference to how, at the end of the mv, when the prince kisses the princess, it is shown as "beautiful" for being not just a heterosexual relationship, but a heterosexual relationship between two cis people. however, those cis people (or at least, the prince bully), aren't beautiful for the way they discriminate against and treat the protagonist.

at 1:08, prince hands the protagonist a monster mask. we know at the end of the video that prince was the protagonist in what appeared to be a school play (which may have been another reason for the protagonist associating him with the character in his game), so prince holding this mask out to our protagonist is almost like him taunting the protagonist more with how much of a "freak" he really is. it's sort of like prince is firmly implying that he's a monster, so this mask would suit him.

the protagonist gazes down at the mask (1:14) and i didn't quite know what to make of this. it's like he's looking at it, searching for an answer, trying to figure out what he should do. the lyrics after this, from what i translated, said something of "the tragedy of my sentence"; this could be interpreted as the protagonist seeing his afab body as being a prison, and it is tragic because he can never escape it. he cannot change the fact that he is afab, and that makes him feel imprisoned. 

i feel like the other, smaller monsters (as well as the big one to a certain extent) could also symbolize his "inner demons", as in the thoughts things such as being trans, not presenting masculine enough, being called a monster etc., that he faces every day; his intrusive thoughts. this could be a symptom of the dysphoria he experiences. i don't have anything for the lyrics here agsdhgjksfg

this is where the chorus comes again, and i would like to point out the usage of the name "cinderella" in this chorus. in cinderalla's fairy tale (the disney version, at least) when she wears her glass slippers, she transforms into a beautiful princess. these glass slippers are often depicted as being heels, which are a type of shoe seen as inherently feminine. however the lyrics here say "we're not cinderella".

i don't know who the "we" is referring to outside of the protagonist (maybe the other monsters that show up?), but in the first chorus the line is "there are shoes that only we can wear", and in the second chorus it says "there are wounds that only we can understand". the shoes lyric could be in reference to how some clothes are stereotypically seen as being inherently masculine or feminine (such as the heels being an inherently feminine thing to wear). the verse about wounds, however, could symbolize the discrimination that lgbt+ people (specifically trans people, in this case) experience every day, and how cishet people could never understand something like that.

i also believe that “cinderella” could symbolize the transformation he goes through, aka his transition from being female to male. cinderella's transformation into a princess gave her a sort of confidence, so she could go to the ball and dance with the prince. here the protagonist claims he’s “not cinderella”, because while he does transform, he doesn’t transform into something that society typically deems “beautiful,” however, he transforms into what makes him feel confident, despite society seeing him as “evil” or as a “monster”.

also to note, at 1:58 there’s a monster in his eye instead of the high heel shoe. this could symbolize him slowly starting to accept himself, and i will explain why him “seeing himself as a monster” could also symbolize him accepting his identity in a bit.

the "let's crush them! it's not right!" line could be seen as the protagonist's intrusive thoughts again. when he sees the monster beating up the prince character, he probably thinks that he could do the same to his bully. however, the line after, "there is a way of salvation that isn't a mistake", are probably what he thinks to counteract those negative intrusive thoughts. the protagonist, not letting his intrusive thoughts get to him, thinks, 'there must be a way to solve my problem without getting physical'.

also, 1:43 is the protagonist literally seeing his bully as the prince character in his game. this makes it quite evident that he sees the monster in his game as himself. and every time the protagonist comes close to pushing the button to fight back, he instead chooses to let the monster win. this could be seen as him mentally standing up to his bully, or as him letting his "inner demons", his intrusive thoughts, win.

people with dysphoria tend to suffer from these intrusive thoughts a lot, which is why i feel it is such a major part of this song. at the beginning, the bullying the protagonist receives from prince probably only increase his already bad intrusive thoughts, making him feel like he'll always be a monster, and that he'll never be a boy, or that nobody will ever see him as a boy.

i'm not quite sure what to make of 2:08 to 2:27. it could be seen as the protagonist trying to fight his intrusive thoughts, hence why all the monsters disappear, but he always looks so... expressionless, sad even. perhaps it could be because he's used to being bullied and treated like a monster like this, but when he says "we're not cinderella", it could be him finally emphasizing and slowly accepting who he is. like he's not letting his monsters get to him anymore. 

there's also those hands on a clock, which probably symbolize the clock striking midnight in the cinderella fairy tale, which causes cinderella to turn back into her regular, old self. however the hands move past midnight when they're hovering over the protagonist's face, which could symbolize that he's not going to stop being who he is.

when he puts on the heels, (3:36), he also puts on the monster mask. he “stays transformed”, he remains a boy, because that’s who he is.

the final chorus, i believe, is the protagonist coming to terms with and accepting who he is. he finally pushes that button and conquers the monster in his game, symbolizing that he's letting that part of himself die. he's letting the part of himself that constantly doubted his gender die, and he's accepting who he is. 

after he looks down at those heels (3:06-3:08), he looks back up, as if he has some sort of newfound resolve. he's probably looking ahead to the play that's happening at 3:34 (it’s very subtle, but his eyes go wide when he looks up to the play at first). nekozemon also does something really neat here, making it look like the protagonist is finally stepping out of the shadows when he lifts his head, which could symbolize a multitude of things... specifically that he’s not going to keep his identity hidden anymore, no longer in the shadows.

the monster dies, but he has a smile on his face at 3:24, whereas when he was struggling earlier he looked angry. but once the protagonist walked past him (probably headed towards the stage), he smiles, because the protagonist has finally found the confidence to be himself. he explodes into confetti--something that usually appears at celebrations like birthdays. this could be a symbol of the protagonist finally celebrating his newfound self-confidence.

at 3:35, we see the prince looking shocked as the protagonist steps onto the stage. not only is he wearing the heels that (probably) once taunted him in the past, but he's got the mask that the bully handed to him before over his head to. 

before pulling it down over his face, at 3:37 the protagonist smiles for the first time in the whole song. he was emotionless this whole time, but after finally accepting who he is, he smiles. if the bully wants him to be a monster, then the protagonist decides, he'll be his monster.

the title also changes from "heel" to "heal". the heels are obviously a reference to the shoes, but they could also literally mean "heel" as in to control or discipline, like when someone tells a dog to heel. when the bully turned into the prince at 1:43 and held his sword out, it looked as though the prince (the bully) is telling the monster (the protagonist) to heel. but at the end, when the protagonist accepts who he is, he's decided to heal. he's healing from what his bully did to him, he's healing from his intrusive thoughts, from his dysphoria, he's healing and accepting himself.

and that was my interpretation! if you read all that then thank you, i know it's really long but this song really hit home for me and reminded me of when i was younger and experiencing major dysphoria before i started to accept myself. if you have any other interpretation of the song (especially the lyrics, because i can't speak japanese and google translated most of this HJFHGJKSFG) i would love to hear them!!!

[visionmarred-archive]

world building ask for psy and yula?

thank you, Gigi!! 💜

Yula

B A S I C S

full name: Yula Lesk’a

gender: Cis woman

sexuality: Biromantic asexual

pronouns: She/her

O T H E R S

family: Yuvon Lesk’a (father, alive), Kimona Lesk’a (mother, alive), Visha Lesk’a (older sister, alive). Visha possibly has some children, but none I’ve decided yet tbh.

birthplace: Kaas City, Dromund Kaas

job: Wrath of the Empire, until she was forced into hiding after Marr’s death. Sith Lord. Member of the Eternal Alliance, and adviser to Iaze.

phobias: Bugs and insects, but good luck getting her to admit that. Being discovered as a Light Sider in the Empire.

guilty pleasures: Laying in bed all day eating macaroons and watching bad holo-television. Being dramatic in general. Going out to cantinas with Vette and Jaesa and getting black-out drunk.

M O R A L S

morality alignment?: Neutral-Good! Force-wise, she’s a Light Sider who’s initially ashamed of it.

sins - lust/greed/gluttony/sloth/pride/envy/wrath

virtues - chastity/charity/diligence/humility/kindness/patience/justice

T H I S - O R - T H A T

introvert/extrovert: Introvert.

organized/disorganized: Disorganized lol. She was the little princess of her Sith family and then she had Quinn in charge of her ship, those things were taken care of for her.

close minded/open-minded: Initially close-minded, but her friendships with Vette and Jaesa help her grow out of that.

calm/anxious: This Sith can fit so much anxiety in her!! I’m pretty sure she’d be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, ngl.

disagreeable/agreeable: Agreeable to friends, disagreeable and a bit bratty to others in a way that only a Sith heiress can be.

cautious/reckless: In social situations and in Sith politics? Cautious. In battle? She thinks she’s invincible and is as reckless as to be expected.

patient/impatient: It depends, but generally impatient.

outspoken/reserved: She starts off pretty reserved, but gets more outspoken as she grows more confident in herself.

leader/follower: Leader who initially thought of herself as a follower.

empathetic/unemphatic: Very empathetic.

optimistic/pessimistic: Pessimistic. 

traditional/modern: Starts off traditional, ends up being more modern.

hard-working/lazy: Prone to a lot of laziness, but she’s hard-working with what’s important.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

otp: Yula/Quinn, in a “first love, they were never going to work out even if he hadn’t betrayed her” way. Yula/Koth, in a much more equal and lasting relationship.

ot3: I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t considered Jaesa/Yula/Vette, but that’s AU territory tbh.

brotp: Yula and Vette, Yula and Jaesa, Yula and Illura, Yula and Iaze

notp: Yula/Pierce. But he’s not in her crew in my canon so :3c

Psylas

B A S I C S

full name: Psylas Fray

gender: Cis man

sexuality: Bisexual

pronouns: He/him

O T H E R S

family: Darya Fray (mother, alive), Baymont Fray (father, deceased), Farris Fray (paternal uncle, alive)

birthplace: Possibly Dantooine? I haven’t decided yet ngl

job: Commander of Havoc Squad. The Republic’s chief military advisor.

phobias: He used to have a fear of explosions and air strikes, but he kinda forced himself to get over it. On a more comedic note, he’s weirded out by gelatin products.

guilty pleasures: Catching a round of drinks with the guys. Spending time with other people in a way that isn’t spent insulting them, which shouldn’t be on this list, but he’s such a prick that it counts as a guilty pleasure. Cooking.

M O R A L S

morality alignment?: Neutral-Good. Possibly a Lawful-Good, but I’m not sure.

sins - lust/greed/gluttony/sloth/pride/envy/wrath

virtues - chastity/charity/diligence/humility/kindness/patience/justice

T H I S - O R - T H A T

introvert/extrovert: Introvert. He would very much prefer to be left alone.

organized/disorganized: Organized.

close minded/open-minded: Probably somewhere in the middle?

calm/anxious: Calm where he’s on the job and under pressure. Used to be an anxious kid, though.

disagreeable/agreeable: Pffffft disagreeable. Unless you’re Elara or Yuun. He has nothing but softness and kindness for them.

cautious/reckless: Cautious.

patient/impatient: Patient on the job, so very impatient when dealing with people. Get to the point already.

outspoken/reserved: Outspoken. So, so outspoken.

leader/follower: Leader who insists that people do what he says when he knows he’s right.

empathetic/unemphatic: Empathetic to civilians and the people he’s sent to protect. Unemphatic to his enemies.

optimistic/pessimistic: Pessimistic.

traditional/modern: Modern.

hard-working/lazy: Psylas probably hasn’t taken a day off since he enlisted, tbh. Hard-working.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

otp: Psylas/Jaxo :( I’m considering Psylas/Theron, but I’m not sure about it yet.

ot3: Nothing atm

brotp: Psylas and Elara, Psylas and Yuun, Psylas and Jorgan, Psylas and Cassian (@jediisapphic :D), Psylas and Sashtha

notp: Psylas/Elara. Their love for each other is too familial for it to feel comfortable.

[casscharacters]

Muse #6- Henry Blair

There’s nothing particularly interesting about Henry Blair. The son of a lawyer and a homemaker he grew up with one older brother, Jason, and an older sister named Caroline. He attended normal schools and did normal things like play video games on the weekend and soccer on Thursdays nights. Henry was always the type of guy who flew under the radar. Nice enough but quiet he was the boy in 5th period you had a crush on but never talked to. Even going to university he did not do anything notable except study computer science and engineering which gave him the reputation of being smart, however with his older siblings as a heart surgeon and a neurosurgeon, even that was over shadowed. A late bloomer Henry did not have his first girlfriend until 25 and even that was only for 6 months. Henry is easily the kind of guy who blends in with the wallpaper. That was until about three years ago. Enjoying computers Henry always loved tinkering, it was during one of these tinkering sessions that he stumbled upon a weak point in a software program commonly used by the government created by a big name software company. After a few weeks of tinkering he himself came up with a patch and submitted it to the company as a goodwill gesture, a gesture that soon flipped everything around for Henry Blair. After reading his work and seeing his patch the company was floored how a random man in Virginia could find and fix something so well hidden that not even the company’s best software engineers knew it existed. Inadvertently Henry had not only saved the company from a billion dollar lawsuit but the American government from what could have been the largest security breach in US history. Boring Henry Blair was deemed a genius and a savior and suddenly the man who previously working at Best Buy was being head hunted by the largest software firms in the world as well as the government. Three years later he is a contractor and lives in an expensive house just outside of New York City, he’ s worth a few million, and suddenly he’s the Blair with the most interesting career. That doesn’t mean Henry Blair is any different than he was years ago, he’s still the awkward, shy guy from Virginia but now with a few 0s behind his name. 

Basic Information

Full Name: Henry Calvin Blair

Nickname(s): Hen

Age: 29

Date of Birth: June 11th 1990

Hometown: Norfolk, Virginia

Current Location: new york city, new york.

Ethnicity: caucasian.

Nationality: american

Gender: cis male.

Pronouns: he/him.

Orientation: heterosexual / heteroromantic. 

Religion: none

Political Affiliation: left leaning

Occupation: software engineer

Living Arrangements: 6 bedroom waterfront home in Douglaston

Language(s) Spoken: English

Accent: small stutter when he’s nervous

Physical Appearance

Face Claim: Jack Quaid

Hair Colour: brown.

Eye Colour: brown

Height: 6′1″

Weight: 160 lb

Build: slim

Tattoos: none

Piercings: none.

Clothing Style: sleek, comfortable

Usual Expression: smile, friendly

Health

Physical Ailments: none.

Neurological Conditions: anxiety

Allergies: shellfish

Sleeping Habits: regular sleeping schedule, 7-8 hours nightly

Eating Habits: typical, usually relatively clean/expensive

Exercise Habits: never

Emotional Stability: 10, aside from the occasional panic attack, Henry is very centered

Sociability: sociable around people he knows, tends to be quiet/anti social with strangers

Body Temperature: cold

Addictions: none

Drug Use: none

Alcohol Use: very little, he gets drunk off of 3 beers

Personality

Label: The Serendipitous 

Positive Traits: sweet, genuine, light hearted, compassionate

Negative Traits: shy, nervous, oblivious, lacks confidence

Goals/Desires: to continue his career and maybe find himself someone to love

Fears: heights

Hobbies: bike riding, sailing, reading, tinkering

Habits: sneaking up on people, fidgeting, ruffling hair

Favourites

Weather: sunny spring day

Colour: green

Music: indie rock

Movies: comedy

Sport: sailing

Beverage: apple juice

Food: grilled cheese

Animal: whales

Family

Father: Daryl Blair; defense attorney

Mother: Claire Blair; homemaker

Sibling(s): Jason Blair; heart surgeon. Caroline Blair-Red; neurosurgeon.

In-laws:   Kimberly Blair; homemaker. Jeremy Red; surgeon.

Nieces: Vera Blair; 11. Jennifer Blair; 8. Clara Blair; 4 months. Maggie Red; 4. June Red; 2.

Nephews: Maxwell Blair; 5. Jess Blair; 2. Finn Red; unborn

Pet(s): Kyle; cat. Barbara; cat. Charles; jack russell terrier. 

Family’s Financial Status: upper class; self built

Extra

Zodiac Sign: Gemini (+) always on the move, intelligent, intuitive (-) easily bored, indifferent

MBTI: infp, “the idealist”. ( Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Feeling (F), Perception (P) )

Enneagram: the loyalist

Temperament: melancholic; Vulnerable, creative, empathic, smart, emotional

Hogwarts House: hufflepuff

Moral Alignment: lawful good, ‘.the crusader’

Primary Vice: envy

Primary Virtue: temperance

Element: earth

[mechanicalriddle]

Did you get worldbuidling for star yet? If not, please!!

i did not lets do this babey!!!

B A S I C S

full name: Broken Star Doomed to Fall (real name is [REDACTED] [EXPUNGED])

gender: cis lad

sexuality: bi! bi… bi?? i think. i’m not even sure he knows. But I Think Bi Most Likely

pronouns: he/him

O T H E R S

family: Star’s parents were, respectively, a tailor and a shoemaker. he also had two brothers (27 & 17) and a sister (24) (for reference Star himself is 21!)

birthplace: Darkmist Isle, close to Onyx, maybe Karon’s Point? anyway he was born in a shadowland and, despite not being strongly ghost-blooded like many of the Skullfolk, was surprisingly resilient to its effects. it is a perpetually dreary place, however; gets almost no sun and barely anything grows there.

job: before his death he worked as a junior homicide detective in Onyx. after his death he worked committing homicides (for the government!) oh the turntables

phobias: not fond of birds, scared of enclosed spaces, and uh… paralytically terrified of falling, for obvious reasons. (heights don’t really get him anymore but they used to just after the incident)

guilty pleasures: jamming his stupid nose into absolutely everything. he just cannot withhold himself from trying to learn everyone’s secrets

M O R A L S

morality alignment?: Somewhere between LG and LN but he could easily rocket over to the Chaotic end of the spectrum given the right circumstances

sins - lust/greed/gluttony/sloth/pride/envy/wrath

virtues - chastity/charity/diligence/humility/kindness/patience/justice

T H I S - O R - T H A T

introvert/extrovert: introvert; his social contact-o-meter peters out fairly quickly (brelateable)

organized/disorganized: he keeps his work stuff meticulously organized out of absolute necessity. The rest of his life is a little more lax, but he’ll tidy up once he reaches a threshold messiness.

close minded/open-minded: being a product of the weird backwards society that raised him he’s a touch on the close-minded side. once he experiences mainland creation a little more this will likely be subject to change.

calm/anxious: he’s more anxious than he thinks, but is for the most part of the ‘come what may & we’ll deal when we get there’ school of thought.

disagreeable/agreeable: agreeable! a touch conflict avoidant… Most of the time.

cautious/reckless: cautious people dont hurl themselves off cliffsides generally i feel like. whee loose cannon!!

patient/impatient: impatient wiggly little idiot

outspoken/reserved: he might act sheltered at first but he honestly opens up pretty quickly if you’re nice to him like, once

leader/follower: by virtue of the city-state he hails from Star never developed the sort of confidence it takes to lead. He obeys his deathlord to the letter out of a combination of reverence and, unbeknownst to himself, fear… 

empathetic/unemphatic: empathetic; he doesn’t always know what to say but definitely feels very strongly and passionately when the people he’s close to are hurting

optimistic/pessimistic: optimist!! he’s confident that everything will work out okay… right? right???

traditional/modern: definitely a modern sort of guy, tries to keep himself open to new ideas

hard-working/lazy: hard-working if he’s interested in the work, otherwise he would much rather goof off or curl up and take a nap.

R E L A T I O N S H I P S

otp: dunno yet

ot3: dunno yet!!

brotp: The shitheads, also Hours probably hopefully i want them to be friends…..

notp: star x anyone in the sanctuary and/or story as of yet. if we’re gonna Find Him Somebody To Love it’s gonna have to be someone completely new!

[stardustings]

thank you for 2k!

I have been away a little while & may not be on super often because uni is really and truly kicking my ass this semester, but nonetheless thank you for following! You can also follow me on instagram (stardustings) and pinterest (emilystardustings) :) Here is a questionnaire...

What is your age? 24 What is your gender identity? Cis female Do you have a nickname? No Do you get along with your mother? Technically yes, but my relationships with my parents are dodgy and I keep my distance. What is one of your favorite memories? I’m not really a person who holds onto memories or enjoys looking back, but maybe going to Japan when I was 14. Who do you laugh the most with? Probably my bestie (Rachel) and my sister. Who do you dread saying goodbye to the most? Uhh no one really. Can you keep a secret? No tbh. I don’t like being told secrets, I cannot keep things ‘internally’ in my brain, I have to talk things out or I go fucking insane so secrets are a nightmare. Do not tell me your secrets. Get a diary or a better friend hahaha. What do you cherish most? The relationships that I do have. What is your favorite novel? Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier, I suppose. I’m not really a person who does favourites though haha. What is your favorite film? I could say like a proper film but let’s be real guys it’s Legally Blonde. Do you have a talent? Yeah it’s really easy to make me have a mental breakdown. Also I can kind of sing, kind of write.  What is your bravest moment? Probably when I cut off a bad relationship and stuck to it. Standing up to people is very hard for me and I don’t have a lot of people in my life so losing someone hurts badly. It took a lot of courage to do I think. What is your brightest characteristic? I think I’m reasonably funny  Is your castle made of glass or stone? Very thick, very durable stone. Do you have an inner monster? At this point she is an outer monster. It is me. I am the monster. Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, or Pride? Lust lust lust lust. White lie or deceit? White lie Do you have a secret? Not really, but I am a private and secretive person so I get my thrills in not disclosing mundane things or telling the full story because my life is very boring. Are you in love? No. Are you a virgin? No. How would you define your sexual orientation? Bisexual. Panties, bloomers, or lingerie? Being naked ... but lingerie if I must. Do you have a fetish? Yes lmao Do you smoke? Nope Do you drink? Not really. Going out to drink is too expensive for me, sometimes I’ll buy a bottle or two of wine though.  Do you drink alone or socially? I mean, both. I like some wine alone of an evening, it relaxes me and makes me feel a bit more creative. Do you have an addiction? I get addicted to literally anything and everything dude. My life is very empty.   Do you have any tattoos? Nope. Do you have any piercings? Nope. Had my ears re-done a few years ago but they closed back over lol. What kind of clothing do you wear? Jeans, mini skirts, t-shirts, turtlenecks, trainers, low heels. Just really simple stuff, I like to blend in. What is you favorite scent? As such as I find the category name a bit dodgy, Oriental type scents are my favourites.  How do you deal with drama? I had enough of that as a teenager. Nowadays I just avoid it. I deal with other people’s drama by watching videos about it on Youtube lmao What makes you nervous? Thinking about my future.  Do you participate in the arts? I don’t know if you can call it participation when I generally keep it all to myself, but I do creative stuff, yes. What do you find unique about yourself? I honestly do not know anymore. Have been suffering from quite a severe identity crisis as of late. I’m one of those chameleon people who just adapts to whatever/whomever and got really complacent in it over the past few years. Sooo I’ll let you know when I do, pal. What is your favorite season? Spring spring spring. Who was the last person you kissed? A boy I spent the night with the other week. I was just happy to find a boy who isn’t bad at it as I’ve missed some nice kisses!!

[transrph]

                                  Writing a Trans Character                          As Experienced by a Trans Man

With more resources coming out for trans faceclaims, I wanted to make sure that there were also more guides on how to write a trans character. So I’m going to be sharing my personal experience with gender as a toolset for those that haven’t/aren’t questioning their identity. Please keep in mind that this is entirely based off of my personal experience and growth, and that every trans person has their own journey with their own experiences. None are invalid and all are equally as important. This also wound up turning into more of a gender study as well, so feel free to share and message about your thoughts. I’d love to have gender discussions!

Part One                 Part Two The Early Signs     | Mislabeling 

Part Three Navigating Identities

My biggest struggle, but also probably the biggest blessing, was trying to sort through and learn about all of the different identities that I’d found out about once gender became less boy and girl. I owe the knew knowledge I had to a web-series called Carmilla, and I owe the remaining and future knowledge to a youtuber by the name of Ash Hardell, who’s videos are beyond educational (seriously if you ever want to learn about gender identities and different labels go to their channel, it’s incredible).

The first label I used was nonbinary, it was the one I felt most comfortable with at 23 and not having a clue as to what my gender identity really was. I enjoyed my feminine side, I even thought I was pretty. And while some days I was very dysphoric about my chest, others I was more than happy to look down and say ‘damn I have some nice boobs’. Which brings your character to the next set of questions. What about their body do they love, what can they simply appreciate, and what do they absolutely despise? Because there is a difference between appreciating something and actually loving it. I appreciated my boobs, but I didn’t love them. However, my hair I loved, but I also love my short hair as well. It makes me feel better connected to myself. So take your character head to toe, list the things like like about themselves, and sort out what they appreciate and what they love. And then make a separate list for what they hate.

There’s a common misconception that transgender people hate everything about their bodies, or have to be dysphoric at all. The fact is, being trans is different for everyone. For some, yes, it can be crippling dysphoria and severe depression. For me, it was minor dysphoria, and overall unhappiness in myself over something I couldn’t identify, and wishing for people to see me as a boy. In that sense I was more socially dysphoric as opposed to physically dysphoric (more on this in a few). And then we have some that simply don’t experience dysphoria at all, they just know that the way society views them is not how they view themselves. And they know they want to fix that.

With physical dysphoria it is about your body, the things that make you feel like you are not the gender you know you are internally. Hair, face shape, shoulders, genitalia, leg hair, adam’s apple, even height. These are all some of the things a person suffering with physical dysphoria would take note of.

With social dysphoria, it’s more about how society see’s you and what it is about your social interactions that make you come off more masculine/feminine. Voice, for instance, was a major social one for me, because my voice was relatively deep for a female it was still too high to be seen as male. The body language I used is also quite feminine. I pop my hip a lot, click my tongue, wave my hand, all things stuck with the ‘feminine’ label. And it was due to growing up and learning body language from other people that shared my sex.

So when writing your character, know what kind of dysphoria that they experience. Is it mostly social or physical, is it a balance between both?

Also keep in mind that dysphoria isn’t just about the chest and the genitals. Yes for some that’s a huge problem, but for me my lower half gives me no dysphoria. The worst I get is penis envy but never truly dysphoric. My biggest dysphoria comes from my voice, as I said, second to that my muscles, after that my chest, and then after that my height. Dysphoria can present itself in so many different ways and in so many different levels. How much someone experiences will be unique to that person, and no person, character, mun, anyone should tell someone that the way they feel their dysphoria is wrong. So keep this in mind when roleplaying with another trans character, just because their character’s dysphoria does not match your idea, it does not make it any less valid.

Getting back to dysphoria and identities, there sadly is a struggle with the standard ‘quota’ on dysphoria. Because media presents being dysphoric as a sort of requirement, finding one’s gender identity can feel like we are simply making it all up in our heads. So when I finally came to realize that it in fact, is not a requirement, I began to label myself as genderfluid. Because again, I didn’t hate myself for being a woman, and in my mind that was what was required to be a trans male. I can say, the more I explored the masculine side of gender fluidity, the more I began falling deeper and deeper into self discovery. Cutting long hair to short hair seems to be a turning point in a lot of the trans guys I see both on Tumblr and on Youtube. It was sort of like that eye opening moment of ‘Yes. This fits me. Yes.’ A sort of silent validation that this is who you are. For me, I tried to keep it feminine cut, wanting to cling to the female side of gender fluidity due to my relationship with a lesbian cis woman.

However when I got home and saw the cut, it felt worse than when I had long hair. I no longer had the femininity of my long hair, but this wasn’t quite masculine enough in my opinion either. So I went in and chopped my hair off little by little until I got to a length I was happy with. 

For me, my long hair was the biggest thing about my femininity, and even though it was my favorite part about myself, it also made people think I was only female and that didn’t work for me on days when I felt very masculine.

My point in this is that finding the right label and growing comfortable in said label is a process in itself. The entire journey through gender identity is long. Painfully long. And before you know it so much time has passed by just trying it figure out who you are and what your identity is. In my opinion this is critical to the development of a character, knowing the struggles they went through to find their label and to grow comfortable in it. Because as you can see, I very much am not genderfluid, but at the time that was the label I was happy with. It was a stepping stone in the full journey, and that is what character development is about. The journey to who your character is today, and why they are that way. Research as many labels as possible, think about what they would realistically feel comfortable labeling themselves as before transgender fits them (that is if yours struggles with identities, if not then feel free to skip ahead). The following links are to Ash Hardell’s very educational videos on gender identity that they made and I think are a great tool in both writing and in the self.

All About Pronouns

Everything Gender Part One

Everything Gender Part Two

Greygender

Settling into the trans label was oddly difficult. I don’t think it was internalized transphobia because it had nothing to do with transphobia and more to do with me thinking I wasn’t allowed to label myself as transgender given all the facts I’ve mentioned before. So now would be a good time to reflect on your character building. With their experiences as kids and on, their sexuality labels and their comfort in those labels, and now the stepping stone labels (if they used any before identifying as transgender), would your character feel comfortable and sure enough to label themselves as transgender? If yes, congrats feel free to move ahead. If no, then the rest of this will be catered to you.

Growing comfortable in a label, in my opinion, is all about the research done. Learning what it means to identify as that label, and listening to others experiences when finding themselves and identifying with that label. Below is a video I watched (excluding one by Benton Sorensen which was the genuine video that validated my identity. He has since deleted it) that helped me immensely through my journey and I think will further help you in putting your mindset in that of a trans guy (I cannot and will not speak on behalf of trans women because it is my belief that socially they have it much harder and have an entirely different struggle than trans men face. Again, just my opinion).

I Didn’t Know I Was Transgender

I’d like to remind everyone reading that transitioning and figuring themselves out is different for everyone, however, Taylor O’Keefe’s video was like someone took my life and had someone else speak about it. So while there are differences, there are also many similarities on the emotional and mental level. The thought processes when questioning your gender.

So if your character was not feeling comfortable identifying as trans before, write in how they grew comfortable, or have that be a plotline in your story/verse. Because it can be a long grueling process full of self doubt and at times self loathing, I can’t think of a better source of angst than feeling like you are at war with yourself.

Prompt Version:

What about your characters body do they love?

What about your characters body do they appreciate?

What about your characters body do they hate?

Do they experience more physical dysphoria or social dysphoira? Or a balance of both?

Does your character feel comfortable enough at this point in time, to for sure call themselves transgender?

How did they grow comfortable?

[lemondedezac-blog]

AN ALMIGHTY THANKS TO YOU ALL!!

UN GRAND MERCI A VOUS TOUS!!

More and more people are reading and leaving ‘likes’ on my blog. Thank you !!! I really appreciate it. Writing comes naturally to me. If what I say resonates with other people even better. So this next blog article will be my first dual English and French blog entry. Not wanting to alienate any readers and since majority of blog readers come from my social media (roughly 60/40 Fr to En).  

Un grand merci. De plus en plus nombreux à lire et à liker mon blog, j’en suis reconnaissant. M’exprimer à travers ma plume, voire même, au travers du clavier de mon ordi portable/tablette m’est tout à fait naturel et coule de source. Et si mes mots parlent et les autres tiennent à identifier dans mes propos des choses qui leur ressemblent, des similitudes avec leur train-train quotidien, leur vécu etc. encore mieux. Nulle envie d’aliéner personne, je me suis décidé à écrire dans les deux langues que je me sens plus à l’aise. Vu que la majorité des lecteurs me découvrent sur les réseaux sociaux, et presque moitié-moitié sont francophones ou anglophones. Voici donc mon premier billet qui zappe de l’anglais au français.

Today’s blog will continue with the topic of online dating. This time focusing on smart tips for beautiful guys and girls. A continuation, mon billet d’aujourd’hui se penche toujours sur les applis de rencontres mais cette fois-ci je vous livre des astuces, vous les beaux gosses et nanas, en quête de votre vrai prince charmant...

1.       He limits contact – you start messaging him on an online app. He religiously takes long (more than 24 hours) to respond. He claims to be busy, to work a lot, have a lot going on. Whatever. This is all before you have even met him! Not a good sign. He is already controlling and LIMITING contact to make you chase him and want more. Back off. Continue talking to other people and take even longer (48 hours or more) to respond to him. This will nip this behaviour in the bud, if not ghost him (i.e. stop answering). This dude is narcissistic and controlling. Do not become his next victim. He hates being played at his own game. He is not interested in your heart or mind. He DOES not care and will only pretend to do so to get laid or exert power and control over you.  He is mainly online to feed HIS ego. That’s it. Knock him back down to earth with a bang and drop him like a hot brick!

2.       Il joue et déconne. Un beau parler. Un profil avec de très belles photos, un descriptif très bien rempli, des messages venant de lui n’en manquent pas. Bref, tout semble nickel. Tout sauf vous ne l’avez jamais vu. Moins bavard, celui-là, à l’heure de fixer et confirmer un éventuel rendez-vous. L’erreur que vous avez commise, c’est de lui faire confiance très vite. Les messages longs et lettres d’amours sont à proscrire à ce stade précoce. Ce type de mec recueille les infos des uns des autres et kiffe plutôt cette phase séduction sur la toile que la crue et dure réalité d’un face à face avec vous où il sait très bien le risque de ne pas avoir d’atomes crochus des deux côtés est élevé. Or, s’il était sérieux, comme lorsqu’on cherche quelque chose aussi important comme une bagnole, un taf, une maison... il trouverait d’une quelconque manière du temps à aller vous voir, étant donné qu’il cherche bien entendu quelqu’un avec qui partager sa vie, non ?

3.       He seems so caring and committed to a relationship after just a few meetings. He is always really nice. Tread carefully here. You do not know him yet. Mr squeeky clean rarely ever is. Questions to consider. Is he already taken? Is he married? Is he hiding something? Best thing to do here is change tactic. Introduce a little tension. Maybe be a little short with him. Make him feel uncomfortable. The point here is to see how he reacts unguarded. Does he lose his cool? Is he aggressive in any way? Is he a different person? Use this time to start to state what your needs are. If after this not so great meeting he still wants to see you that is a GOOD sign. He’s in it to win it. He doesn’t run at first sign of difficulty or when you are the real you.

4.       Il commente sans arrêt vos aspects physiques. Flatteur ou lécheur. Eprouver le besoin de prodiguer des compliments en grande quantité à quelqu’un qu’on connaît à peine n’est pas bon signe. Avec une piètre estime de soi, ce monsieur vous démontre dès le début sa fragilité. Cela vous sera pesant. Si vous décidez ultérieurement de terminer la relation, vous sentirez tout le poids de sa souffrance sur votre dos. Vous irez mal du coup. Ce genre de personne a besoin du temps préférablement seule pour se construire et laisser cicatriser l’énorme plaie béante qu’elle se ballade avec.  

5.       No drama, fuss free, straight acting, slim, no attitude, not out of shape or overweight, no tattoos, no piercings, big dick...  The kind of guy writing this stuff in his profile rightly deserves to be ignored. Confusing the dating website with an online human meat market like Amazon or E-bay. He enjoys sexual domination with a very submissive guy he will control. The qualities and characteristics he hates are those that make people individual and unique. He desires a man slave. His masculinity and feelings of superiority govern his interaction with other people. He must be the master at all times, the boss and the king. His entitlement issues and attitude are just a whim of the arrogance this kind of guy will display. If you are tempted to go there expect a lot of DRAMA, SHIT and CRAP to come from him. Yet he won’t tolerate anything back from you!

6.       Après quelques rencontres, il revient sur ses dires. Il vous a menti. Il vous a dit initialement vouloir une relation durable, stable et sérieuse. Tout d’un coup, il n’en est plus sûr. Vous commencez à voir ses tares ainsi que ses faiblesses. Paralysé, vous ne faites rien. Vous espérez que les choses s’arrangeront. Prenez le recul. La situation risque de se dégrader. Ce type ne vous ressemble pas. Qu’est-ce que vous faites avec lui ? Il va mal et il va vous décevoir. Ne vous laissez pas berner. Cadrez-le vite et expliquez-lui comment vous voyez les choses et ce que sont vos attentes. Soyez préparé à le laisser partir, si besoin, le périple lorsqu’on est en quête d’amour parfois s’allonge beaucoup trop. Evitez quand-même de mettre le grappin sur le premier homme venu !

More dating tips to come in future blog entries//Plus de conseils et de tuyaux à suivre dans mes prochains billets de blog. A bientôt :-)