#at least they’re consistent 😎👉🏻👉🏻

[quinnverse]

I do, I care. The words crush her more than she anticipated. When he had first called upon her, Sarah saw it as a flattering, exciting little experience. Fleeting, but momentarily exciting. She hadn't expected to like him as much as she did. But liking him didn't change the fact that she was a Pleinsworth and that they moved in entirely different circles. Sarah enjoyed love stories, but she had no intention of living Romeo and Juliet.

“I win? What is the reward? Eternal guilt and heartache?” Exasperated, she let out a sigh. “I am not trying to guilt you, Mister Tallmadge. I do not aim to make a monster out of you. Out of either of us. And I am not saying it is all your fault. I acknowledge that I was an equal participant. I-I told you to keep going, I made you touch me. And I… I liked having you touch me, I did, but I…”

Tell me what to do, and I'll do it. She wanted to scream out of frustration. Not at him, but at herself. Why was it so hard to understand what she wanted? She wanted to be liked, to be adored, and cherished. She had a feeling Benjamin was perfectly capable of doing as much, but she worried that she would not be capable of giving it back. Sarah loved her family more than anyone else, more than she would ever love a husband. To betray her father and marry someone against his approval would be unthinkable. She would rather give up on love than to give up on family.

“I saw the way you look at Miss Wynter.” It wasn’t the statement she planned to say and yet it felt right. “You like her. And you say you like me. So, is there anyone else you like?” The words are more accusatory than she intended and Sarah tries to correct herself. “If I were to reject you, who would you go to next?”

“Answer me this: if you knew my father would approve, or that there was a high chance that he might, would you actually marry me?” Sarah stared at him with an expectant gaze. She hoped he would say no, to lessen her guilt. In reality, she hoped her future husband would be someone like him. Kind and considerate, handsome and tender. But he was right, the two of them would not be allowed to be together. Not without a fight, and it was a fight that Sarah wasn’t sure she was brave enough to put up.

“I like you, Mister Tallmadge. Despite my better judgement, I do like you. I do not love you, as you do not love me, but I do like you. And I wish that meant more, that it could mean more, because I care about you. Though we are hardly well acquainted, I do not wish to hurt you in any capacity. A-And I really, really like kissing you, but…” Stepping closer to him until she sat in a chair beside him. Sarah let out a soft sigh and continued.

“We would not be happy together, Mister Tallmadge.” Her voice was soft, the tone she used to calm down her sisters after a hard day. The voice she used to make people feel better. “Our lives don’t coincide. My heart is in England. Yours is not. My heart is in the ton, and yours is not. I understand these differences and I respect them, but it does not change the fact that we are not suited for one another, no matter how much we might like each other."

She allowed a moment of silence to pass between them, swiping at her cheeks with her palm.

“If it is any consolation to your pride, you are the best man I’ve ever kissed.” Offering a wry smile, she clears her throat and sniffles. She didn’t feel the need to point out once more that he was the only person she’d kissed, so she merely offered a smile and hoped he wouldn’t be too offended by her lighthearted attempt at humor.

"I'll help you find someone you can marry," He offered and Sarah rose her hands in defense, waving away the notion.

“You do not need to do that. I know I can be rather cold, but I am not that cruel. I would not torment you in making you find me a suitor." She lowered her hands back to her lap and averted her gaze. "In truth, there were a few men that have shown interest, but none that i feel at all drawn towards. You were the only one that showed promise, ironically enough."

“If it would wound you too much to see me, I understand, but I would like to be friends. My sisters adore you. No man ever plays along with their schemes, so they would have you over any time you wanted. And if you ever get lonely again…” Sarah silently scolded herself for the brash comment, but reached out and gently placed her hand on his leg. “Well, as long as I remain unwed, I’ll just say that--should you become afflicted again-- I wouldn’t be opposed to some lighthearted kissing between friends. But, you didn’t hear that from me.”

The idea of such a relationship was unheard of and Sarah never would've expected herself to propose such a thing. She was a romantic at heart. She believed in proper courting and the idea of falling in love. She believed that one day both of them would find someone worth loving, worth sacrificing things for. But until then, she knew her dreams would certainly be haunted by the memory of their kisses. And if he wished to relive the memory without any pretenses, she wasn't opposed. She trusted him, more than she thought she ever would.

“Can I ask you a question, though?” Her cheeks flared as she fidgeted with the hem of her skirts. “How... How did you know to do that? W-What you did with your fingers? How did you know that it would…” Shaking her head, she blushed and clamped her legs together. “Nevermind, I shouldn’t ask such a thing.”

Sarah was a geyser of emotion, shaking and sputtering as she curled her hands into fists. “Since when does anyone care what I want? What I want has never mattered. So, I assumed that was a man’s way, your way, of saying no. If I misinterpreted I’m sorry, but…"

"I care," Benjamin earnestly cut in. "Sarah, I do. I know I have no right to care at all, but-"

"You said I wouldn’t want to marry you, but you never asked me if that were the case. You chose for me. Without even considering my opinions on the matter, you decided what I would want."

Benjamin scoffed, considerably thrown. "I was thinking of your future," he said defensively. "Do you really, honestly believe that your father would take one look at me and let us be together? Even if it was what you wanted?"

Once more, the color returned to Sarah's cheeks in a bright, livid splash of pink. She surged forward with a snarl of accusations, reminding him of how he'd been the aggressor, and that he had been the true source of their transgression.

Face flooding scarlet, Benjamin exhaled and dropped his face down into his hands. "All right, fine -- you win: I am a monster, and I am the one at fault," he tightly agreed, "but I am not trying to confuse you, nor am I trying to trap you into something that you don't even want." Exhaling, he dropped his hands down at his sides. "I don't know what you want me to say, Sarah. Tell me what to do, and I'll do it."

Visible hurt welled up within her eyes, and it soon became clear that he'd (yet again) said the wrong thing.

“So, did you ever like me, or did you only like the idea of me? Of not being alone? Or was I just a pair of lips to pass the time?"

Benjamin swallowed, taking a step back as though she'd shoved him. "I like you," he reassured. "I didn't think...I-I would never..."

"I just wanted you. And I thought you wanted me, too. But, clearly, I know nothing about you or your intentions."

"If I didn't want you at all, don't you think I wouldn't be quite so confused right now?" he asked, his voice much softer in its intensity.

A single tear spilled down her cheek, yet that lone streak stabbed through his heart and into his very soul, making Benjamin curl in on himself in shame.

“There was nothing pure intentioned about what you did," she accused, "or about how it felt. You cannot claim 'pure intentions' and romance when your eyes were filled with lust."

Slowly, Benjamin sank into a neighboring chair, his legs wobbling at the effort. "You're right," he agreed. "It was wrong of me... I told you it was wrong, but you asked if...i-if I would..." Trailing off, he bit into his cheek until he tasted blood. What was he trying to accomplish here? What did he even want? To further whip this girl back and forth, and drag their good names through the mud?

"I'll help you find someone you can marry," Benjamin said in a rush. Head spinning, a part of him knew he was on the cusp of madness as he continued, "It's the least I can do since...s-since I know I could never be yours."