#at least one of them would be technically impossible to accomplish - but it does spark grisly imagery

[soysaucevictim]

I think being the kind of horror fan I am, it helps me keep some perspective on my own relatively infrequent run-ins with ITs.

Some of it's trauma flashbulbs, some of it's health anxiety scenarios, some of it I can't really put in those boxes.

Being in therapy helps keep them mostly manageable. But they sometimes get the best of me. And all I wanna do is Distract Distract Distract. :P

[ah17hh]

how to NOT do poly via /r/polyamory

how to NOT do poly

This is very long. My dysfunctional entrance into polyamory was a huge learning experience for me.

Summer of 2017, my marriage was crumbling. I was in denial about it, way too optimistic, and took full responsibility for my marriage alone. At the same time, one by one, my close girlfriends were all ravenously hitting on me. My underwear was soaked and busting at the seams but I went home to a dead bedroom. My therapist simply asked me when I was going to finally come out of the closet. I didn't realize I was in a closet, but when he asked me, something just clicked.

I wanted to take my newly out-of-the-closet self for a guilt free ride on the pussy highway. With my husband's consent to fuck around, I set up a Tinder account and swiped my tits off. A much younger lesbian was one of my many matches. We chatted, texted, made plans that I canceled a few times. She texted me pictures of her family, personal things. I just wanted sex so I didn't share anything personal back. She told me she just wanted sex too, but still sent me very personal things. After a few weeks, she downright demanded to meet me. I caved. She was really pretty and persistent is an understatement. My other matches would stop trying after a while, but she would not give up. I was scared to meet people. I was scared of rejection. I wasn’t happy with my weight at the time, and she was much younger, thin, and very out.

“Meet me Saturday night. My sister and my best friend will be out with me too.” It was my last chance, she told me later this was the last time she was going to push me to come out and see her. I walked up to the sidewalk and there she was talking to my friend, smoking a cigarette and decked out in young woman accessories, something I never quite understood how to accomplish. “Oh you smoke?” “Not anymore,” she thought. She put out her cigarette. We went into the bar. “Am I fatter in person?” I genuinely wanted to know.

The bar was getting packed. Someone tried to squeeze by my fat ass, so she pulled me toward her, her arm around the small of my back. Gay sparks flew off the charts. We danced until we couldn’t breathe and were covered with sweat. Shoes flew everywhere. I’m not exaggerating. We all had the fucking time of our lives together and it felt like I had found one of us out there when I thought my Squad Goals had already been fulfilled. “Come home with me.” She did. She ate me out on my couch and I came when her tongue and mouth weren’t even touching me. I came that easily and that hard on top of all the whiskey. She faked it, but years of vibrators had killed her clit. In my drunken haze and post-orgasm exhaustion, at 4:00 in the morning, I said, "Stay and spoon with me.” She did. I’d never cuddled with a woman before. It felt like magic. I’m not talking about the kind of magic that you see walking down a tourist area and a fat wrinkled magician wants to show you how to make a card appear in your pocket. I’m talking about the kind of magic people invented religion to explain. I’m talking about the kind of magic that Kelly Clarkson co-writes songs about. I’m talking about the kind of magic only two pussies can create together. It’s super gay and I see now why it’s illegal in some places. Just too fucking good.

My husband woke up two hours after we had fallen asleep to find us spooning on the couch. He stormed out incredibly angry. I was panicking. She was lingering in my apartment, just lounging in her underwear completely oblivious, and way too comfortable. I craved touch so much, I couldn't resist her, I never cleared it with my husband about anyone spending the night. While still in her underwear, trying desperately to look enticing and sexy, she told me her credit score was 750. I was extremely worried about my husband and very uncomfortable at how comfortable she was. My body had alarms going off everywhere but I just calmly dealt with her and told her I had to go about my day. I didn’t know why she was telling me her credit score. I don’t care about anyone’s credit score, except my own after it started out in a dumpster fire during my first marriage to a complete maniac. I told her I had to get on with my day. She left without showering to go to the pride parade with another partnered woman, and I went about my day.

Now I see how vulnerable I was and what a chameleon she was. She was changing herself on the first date to fit in with my family, she quit smoking, she presented herself as this put together sexpot. My marriage was on thin ice and my relationship with myself was lackluster to say the least. I was the perfect target for a narcissist.

She love-bombed me, my sister, and my best friend with accurate precision. She learned my weaknesses almost instantly and told me everything I had been wanting to hear my whole life - that I am attractive, talented, special. She validated me, paid me attention, and took on my identity. She started going to my hairdresser, went blonde when I went blonde, moved to my neighborhood from an hour away, got a job near my job, commuted to work with me, and threw herself at me sexually constantly. I could not resist the sex, I could not resist the attention. 11 years combined with distant men, and here is this gorgeous woman giving me everything. She learned how to make my sister laugh, and flirted heavily with my best friend who hasn't had a relationship in years.

I was enamored by her, she became irresistible to me, and I ignored how uncomfortable I was with her total lack of boundaries. I made excuses for her, that she was young and could grow out of it. I was terrified of my feelings. What does this mean for my marriage? This relationship I was getting completely swept away with woke my husband the fuck up. "Let's go to the sex toy store!" "Let's take a trip!" His fear of losing me made him snap out of taking me for granted. I was getting all the attention and validation from him. Our sex life took a drastic turn.

While I was falling in love with this woman and rekindling with my husband, I resisted her very much. I was scared to lose my marriage. I would tell her I couldn't be with her. It just made her pursue me harder, love-bomb me more. Finally, eight months into my relationship with her, we stayed at a hotel and slept through the night together for the first time. When I woke up and texted my husband good morning, I realized the world was still there. I felt more secure, like maybe this could be a thing. Maybe we can have two separate relationships after all.

She pushed and pushed and demanded that I stay the night with her more and more. She demanded I come out of the closet to my parents, my husband's mom, at work, and to my daughter. I did. I wasn't ready but I did. I was met with open arms and joy. I felt so much pressure from her no matter how much I told her I needed more time, she coldly demanded. Ultimately I am glad I am out now, but I wish I hadn't done it under such duress. But, I was already hooked and scared to lose her. She dangled leaving me constantly. I couldn't lose her, she brought so much excitement to my life. She brought so much energy to my sluggish existence. I am a very outgoing person by nature, but had turned into a couch potato. Being with this charming woman turned my city into a red carpet. All of my friends were ecstatic for me, my daughter could tell how incredibly happy I was.

I gave into the pressure. I started staying over at her place once or twice a week. She stayed by me a lot. When she stayed by me, I was not allowed to have sex with my husband. Sometimes she would stay five days at a time. I wanted to avoid her harshness, her mean coldness, her tantrums, and my husband didn't want to rock the boat either so we complied. I was growing very resentful of her controlling nature. I expressed my unhappiness but it fell on deaf ears and she would just throw herself at me or love-bomb me until I forgot temporarily.

A year and a half in, she disappeared emotionally. I didn't know what was going on at all. A mutual friend was a contestant on Rupaul's Drag Race, and while watching his instagram live video, I saw her in the front row with her hand on another woman's leg. This person I changed my entire life around to be with met someone else. And I found out in the most horrific way. She told me she had to meet someone because I wasn't nice to her anymore. I blamed myself for her cheating. I was so confused. Was it my fault? Why don't I like being around her yet I am terrified to lose her?

Looking back, I didn't even realize how mean and rotten she had gotten. All the charm she used in the beginning was gone, and our time together was tense and moody. All she could see was that I wasn't nice and she wanted attention so she met someone else. It happened so slowly, her charm running out, I didn't even notice. It's like she trained me to accept crumbs and abuse. My whole life trained me. Still, our sexual connection, and the rare fun moments kept us together.

Desperate to get that charming one back, I lavished her in gifts and trips. She'd always play that Bhad Bhabie song Gucci Flip Flops. I got her Gucci flip flops for Christmas. I just wanted that nice one back. She'd give me crumbs and I'd hang on every word. I was scared if I lost her, my husband would go distant, and I'd be alone with no one. I didn't want to lose either of them.

I finally told her that her negativity is impossible to be around. I finally told her I am not driving 100% of the time or paying for 100% of everything. I was sick of blowing up at her after she would bait me while having to foot the bill and do all the heavy lifting. She would post pictures on instagram to make me insecure and jealous. I would freak out at her. She loved it when I got mad. It was such a sick game.

I hated this angry person I had become. I told her I don't owe her my niceness just because we are technically together and if her answer is to cheat on me she can fucking leave. I begged her to stop baiting me and stop pushing my buttons. She actually heard me. She changed overnight, I think she wanted to do anything to get my love and attention. For a week she was pleasant, nice, she showered regularly. I couldn't keep my hands off of her. When she was positive and nice, my entire world was shining in the sun. A week later, she left without a word.

Eight days after she left me, we matched on Tinder. I got drunk at my sister's birthday party, and asked her to meet me for coffee. She asked if we could have lunch. She sat next to me at the table. I had no appetite so I didn't eat. She told me she was unhappy with the inequality, that I cared more about my husband from her perspective. I just listened and felt nothing. A week or two later she texted me and asked if me and my sister wanted to go out. My sister was done with her but I told her I could meet her. We had a drink. She looked absolutely haggard. We went to karaoke and she sang one of my all time favorite songs with more heart than I'd ever heard her sing before. It was 3am and I told her I had to go. We didn't kiss or touch at all at any of these meetings. She texted me when we were both in our ubers and asked me to come cuddle. I told her I couldn't. I asked her if she could come over next week. She said yes. In the light of day, she said she couldn't come by anymore.

Then she changed her number and I never heard from her again. She gave her number to my sister, so I put it in my phone and blocked it.

It's been two and a half months since the discard. I have been picking up the pieces, and seeing why I got so swept in this. Underneath all the dysfunction, I do believe the two of us did love each other at one point. I think her narcissism and my codependency were a match made in hell.

My husband and I are doing better than we ever have. We are on the same page for the first time about chores, finances, and we have sex every day. We talk about everything. We talk about poly, boundaries, how it should have gone, what we learned, and what we want in the future.

I know now I am extremely co-dependent. I am easily taken for granted because of this. I am a narcissist magnet. I am generous and I feel solely responsible for other peoples' lives, feelings, and my relationships. I have so much inner healing to do to feel whole and to get validation from within.

I met another woman and we are very slowly getting to know each other. She is independent, kind, ambitious, and I am not letting myself get too attached. I want to meet more people and decide who is best for me. I don't want to "test" people, but I am going to pay close attention to how people respond to boundaries and my needs. Already I am noticing such a stark difference with how narcissists react!

I fly to Miami tomorrow to tag along at this new woman's work conference. We are going out Saturday night, hanging at the beach Sunday, and I am spending Monday by myself in Miami. I haven't had sex with her yet because I am being cautious. I am using the trip to get away from the mess, be in the sunshine (it just snowed by me), and to have spontaneous fun. I do not want to jump into a serious thing at all, and she seems the same. She's never had a girlfriend and wants to take it slow too. My therapist helped me frame this by saying it's have sex and not get too attached right away. He said you can meet 10 people and having sex is how you get to know them and you may like 1 or 2. He said to frame the weekend as a "get to know you" trip and not to ask a million questions or divulge a million things, but you can get to know someone just by the way they are.

I have a good hold on myself after this learning experience and I am not going to let someone hurt me like that again. I don't know I've been grieving, healing, and reading a lot (and watching youtube videos) about narcissists and co-dependency. We are both textbook.

All in all though, we both amazingly left each other better than when we met. Her love-bombing and validation showed me how good I am and that I am attractive. I switched careers, lost weight, came out of my shell finally, and see that I am worthy of attention. My adoration showed her she is lovable and deserves unconditional love and a good life. She tripled her income, and grew up. I taught her the practical things of life and how to live in the city. I showed her acceptance and what family can be and I hope one day she does have one of her own. She showed me I am hot, interesting, funny, charming, generous and I deserve someone who is the same.

So now, I'm out as bi and poly to everyone in my life and at work. I can take my sweet time finding the right partner(s) for me. I can and will say no when I am uncomfortable. I am going to work on healing this codependency in me. I am never ignoring red flags again. I am loving myself the way I am while growing to be the best me possible. I am happy being out as bi and having a woman in my life, it makes me feel complete. But I am not going to pay for that happiness by giving too much of myself ever again.

Submitted November 01, 2019 at 08:18AM by shinebrightlike via reddit https://ift.tt/2C1CGvd

[productdesignfall2017]

Reading 3

Everybody makes mistakes, and I wish many people who don’t acknowledge that simple statement would start accepting that as a valid one. We’re all human and are prone to misusing, reading, doing things incorrectly, it’s part of our nature so much so that I hadn’t really thought as a way of design being the answer to fixing some of those mistakes before. Throughout this book I’m realizing how many more ways design can help our future than ever before, it truly does bring to light how we can use design and implement design thinking with or for everyday things. It was smart to start out questioning the way we currently handle errors, and then began explaining the better way we can access a problem before deferring to the default “human error”, but then to distinguish between mistakes and slips is what really made clear to me how to better understand a situation that requires evaluation. It almost seems impossible to ever come to final solution, but on a smaller scale like with our design problems the steps and classifications of errors could be less overwhelming. It’s already become more helpful with researching to get into the mindset this chapter required to then evaluate the various products suggested to solve certain problems but end up creating another or failing.

Examining the idea now that people are at fault kind of became sad because when it came down to it most instance are from the expectation we put on people to do unnatural things like work in repetition or long hours. We’re not mechanical and when we mix humans with technology errors occur. As a designer we could work to understand both and come up with better design solutions to combine the two. One thing I’ve thought of is the action option in Illustrator I believe records what you steps you take to accomplish something and then you can implement that action onto multiple things so you don’t have to repeat yourself. People don’t like to repeat themselves and this tool I really wish was a part of every adobe app, word, coding, because I feel I am constantly cutting and pasting and restyling the same thing across many separate windows of the same project or files. This problem has been attempted with character and paragraph styles also, but each have their own complications and I think this chapter really made it seem like we should start trying to solve for the people instead of the way we mostly solve the machine and leave all other errors to human incompetence.

“Hot teams” and “greenhouses” definitely go hand in hand when looking for the right overall job environment when looking for a job. It’d be hard to disagree  with anything he says in this book because his thought process is so clear as to why IDEO does things the way they do. It’s intriguing to me the way they allow their employees to choose which studio to work and then change later. They understand how to motivate people to work with each other and encourage collaboration. In class normally you dread group work, but reading how in a work environment when you have to work in departments at least you’ll get to be with people  who share the same interests and passions as you in hopes that you can come up with better things than you would by yourself which normally as a college student you think you’re better off by yourself. I also found it funny as he was describing their office environments with various objects hanging on walls, strings of beads as doors, and Christmas lights up all year round I was immediately reminded of the college apartment environments I’ve been around for years now. Then he says how their ideo campus is like a college campus. I think it’s great how they recognize those things that many leave after graduation to go get a grown up job in an office is what makes their working environment special. We’re taught that college ends after graduation and fear the time we end up with a repetitive daily routine in a work space with no windows or color. I know I’ve feared that and at first seeing the collaborative bright open workspace IDEO has on the nightline show years ago is what sparked my motivation to work in a design field. They don’t force you to narrow your mind to daily tasks they broaden your mind with forward thinking and allow creativity to flow around through the building and each other around campus.

Research

The concept of lock and key was first invented in

The goal would be to come up with an affordable marketable option to replace the hassle of finding the right key when you have a keychain full of keys, apartment, parents house, garage, work, car, etc.

Need to be:

    -      Secure & Trustworthy

    -      Quick & Easy

    -      Easily distinguishable

    -      Safe

Spectrum goes from putting different rubber grips on the head of each key to an app that either scans or sends message, face/voice recognition, there are multiple version of Locks that have keypad, sensors, batteries, Bluetooth, but each contain security risks and concerns, and technical or physical problems.

What if the Bluetooth disconnects, battery dies, gets hacked.

What if you lose the key, the key bends/breaks, becomes hard to use.

How to keep track of it/store it/without losing or getting in the way/being annoying.

Going off of that, there needs to also be a smooth connection from the key and the lock itself. Some locks get stuck or you need to pull / push them a certain way for them to work with the key.

Needs to be:

[if !supportLists]-       [endif]Safe

[if !supportLists]-       [endif]Affordable

[if !supportLists]-       [endif]Easy to use

Some solutions we found were things such as getting rid of the key all together and just having a key pad, fingerprint locks, doors with different codes for different family members, voice recognition, etc. These are all modern uses of the lock / key situation but you rarely see these implemented in houses and doors (in my hometown, here at school) but there are also flaws in those designs because if someone figures out the code or can hack into it or break it in some way that also makes it harder to stay safe.

So there either needs to be a way that we can easily get to our keys and into our locks without hassle or make these futuristic / modern uses of the lock and key to become more safe and secure.

[craftrva-blog]

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Ballet...

Written by: Jo Ann L. Breaux

What would seem like a typical interview for CRAFT RVA actually became an instant karmic connection. It is one of the reasons that CRAFT has been on hiatus, but I thought it appropriate to explain myself to my very supportive readers and I thought what a way to get back in the game. 

Let me start by saying that dance for me is an art form and craft I've always been affected by. It is probably the only one that can stir emotional expression so deeply and sincerely. Yes, I am that person who thinks Travis Wall and Sonya Tayeh are choreography gods. So, to say the least I sort of love dance and yes I will, with reckless abandon, dance in my living room. I had no idea I would be submersed into its very world by coming to the aid of a computer challenged technicality. I'm proud to say that I hold a title here at Latin Ballet and yes, I know I'm writing a biased piece, I would like to think I am being subjective with my internal experience.

I speak horrible Spanish. I barely know my Panamanian history. I was never really exposed to that side of my culture besides the incoherent Spanish ramblings of my mother's foreign tongue or the occasional traditional Latin meal or story. I never really understood what my mom went through when she came here in the 70s. I didn't understand how disoriented she must have felt going from the lush jungle and mountains to the humid, flat Deep South. I blocked out all the times she was made fun of for her accent or called certain things for her tanned skin. I was angered how men leered at her in the grocery store, but was just a small child and unable to do anything about it. It wasn't well into my teen years I found my ethnic identity and really comprehended why mom never taught me Spanish or anything about my Panamanian background and learned I was never Latina enough, Asian enough, or white enough to be able to figure out the capacity of my genetic makeup. Which is why, this whole connection with Latin Ballet has been some kind of racial cosmic connection.

I can go on and on about Founder and Artistic Director of Latin Ballet of Virginia, Ana Ines King and her credentials and awards. It would take more room than I've got here. I'd rather concentrate on Ana as an artistic role model and as a native of Bucaramanga, Colombia. It is important to note that Ana's mother was a dancer and she was the one who taught her the art of Flamenco. Her sister. Rosana is also an accomplished dancer, Ana being the Queen of the East while her sister resides in the West, both educators and choreographers. To say this little mouse of a woman is passionate is an understatement. This woman who founded Latin Ballet of Virginia with an idea sprung from an experience her daughter, Melody had when coming to America, has worked relentlessly to implement and engage cultural understanding through dance for 20 years!

Ana's story is similar to my mother's. The likeness between them is uncanny, the way they speak, the way they explain things, and mostly the fervor of determination. Ana sees something she wants and then she makes it a reality, through sheer belief. She's fiery, she's enthusiastic, and she's bold. She does not take "no" for an answer and it is through that she knows nothing to be impossible. Ana came to America just as my mom had, simply put, she fell in love with an American, married, and came to the United States. What isn't easy to understand is the assimilation process. I was lucky, I didn't have to partake in that part because I was very young coming here from Panama, where as Melody was almost a teenager when they arrived in Virginia.  Now, as I'm writing this, I discovered that when I came to Richmond, I was a pre-teen, I had been raised in Cajun country for most my life. Coming to Richmond was incredibly difficult for me. I was extremely shy and people made fun of my accent and my clothes. I was a fish out of water for sure. So, when Ana was telling the story of her daughter's experience, I was not only recalling my mother's, but also my own. Ana's daughter also lost confidence in herself, she didn't speak and she became quite depressed upon arriving here.

For any American who travels abroad, it is difficult to really delve into the language and culture of some countries you visit. We as Americans travel swiftly, usually taking in 3-5 countries in our two week vacation allowance. There's not really time to learn anything. You take a gondola ride and eat pizza in Napoli, you say "Hola" in Spain while drinking Sangria on the beach, you take some photos in front of the Eiffel Tower while eating some cheese and before you know it, you're back on American soil never having learned the language or spending a good amount of time partaking in the culture.

For Ana, if was her husband's family who gave her the hugs she needed, the warmth that comes from being Latin, to feel comfortable and accepted. For Melody, starting in a new school wasn't so easy. There are no open windows in the schools here in the States, but in places like Panama, Colombia and Costa Rica, the schools are open to nature, you can hear the birds sing, a monkey or two pass by and the sun shining it's beams inside while you are learning. It was a very different "institutional" environment here for her and for someone coming from such topographically beautiful lands, it can be a hard place to adjust. It is quite difficult to feel like you belong or that you are connected to anyone when you've been plopped into a whole different culture. Ana, although hard, was willing to let her go back to her native Colombia and finish out the rest of her school, but it was a simple demonstrative assignment of teaching her classmates Salsa and cumbias that would not only bring Melody out of her shell, but would also spark the conception for Latin Ballet. Ana would soon realize that dance could help these kids identify and feel proud of where they come from. She could teach them English through dance and help them become more confident in speaking and interacting with their American peers and so Ana, would find her mission.

Despite being 20 years established, a lot of people have different notions of what Latin Ballet does. LBV is made of three solid branches on a very colorful tree. Ana not only has implemented successful award-winning educational programming and residencies including the "Be Proud of Yourself" program and the Arts in Education Summer Camps in our Richmond, VA community, but LBV is also made up of a Professional and Junior Company which perform throughout the year, sometimes touring outside the state. If that's not enough, LBV teaches students in Flamenco, Salsa, Ballet, Hip Hop and Contemporary dance techniques four days a week for 16 week semesters. What's beautiful about what LBV does, is it creates an environment where children from different backgrounds and countries can feel confident and safe, yet also gives exposure to those kids who are not always in a gentrified group. In other words, White children are learning about Spanish and Latin language, history, culture, and folklore and they are learning it directly from the source as well as helping these students who don't know English very well, language skills they need in their new home. When you walk into an LBV studio, you see a medley of children from all different races and backgrounds. When they are dancing together, they are one. Ana is a big believer in everyone feeling good and confident about who they are. She embraces all her "children", including her adult instructors and dancers, some of whom have been with her since they were as young as 3 years old. The programs she has brought to many low-income schools and communities has brought exposure to the arts to children otherwise oblivious to this world. Sponsors of Latin Ballet contribute to scholarships given to a lot of high-risk/low-income children, giving them the ability to learn to dance and perform.

Ana and her Professional Company of dancers perform at many charitable events and it is no secret that Ana does it out of pure love. If she wasn't dancing, I think she'd be six feet in and even then, I think the soil would kick up around her. Most of LBV's productions are folklore and myth based. She takes a lot of stories from Hispanic and Latin culture and tells these stories through passionate dance theater performances. Often times, they will showcase many dance forms and she has been known to bring guest artists from Spain and elsewhere to share the stage with them. LBV has quite a spectrum of ethnic backgrounds within the Professional Company itself including Cuban, Puerto Rican, and Italian, all from different dance backgrounds and lifestyles. I think it gives the entire feel a zest not found in most dance companies. When people see an LBV show they leave invigorated and spirited. There's a lot of heart on and off stage.

When foreigners come to this country it is to seek a better life, a better opportunity. It is not only to contribute to their families who don't have the monetary means, but it is also to give to American society. Without Hispanic culture in this country, Texas may not have won their independence, more than half of the street names in America would not exist, you wouldn't know what a taco was, and a lot of white people would not be dancing Salsa at the club. What makes Latin Ballet of Virginia so special is that it is inclusive. It brings something unique to the stage and it gives back to our community by providing education through dance. I've been to Henderson High School. I have seen what dance has done for these kids. It put a huge smile on my face when they proudly show me what they've learned through our residency and yes, they were good, one teen actually choreographed her own routine. It is this type of learning that influences kids to become better people.

This weekend LBV is re-staging the production of "Nuyorican" which tells the stories of real experiences of Puerto Ricans who migrated to New York after WWII and the shaping of a culture in a foreign land where they faced discrimination and oppression. It also touches on the challenges of their offspring, born American, but caught between a cultural war of identity. It's a relevant piece, significantly in current times. Strangers in a strange land. I'm very proud to be a part of LBV. Not only do I get to be around dance, but I also get to understand where I come from more and it has become my little family, my hands flying, fast talking, Spanish speaking, vibrant familia.

For all those interested in learning dance from Latin Ballet (yes, even you adults) visit their website.