#at least no matter how sad I am I stay away from mcd so that’s good???

[maximumkiki]

.

[silver9mm]

Another SPN dream I might have turned into a fic. cw: mcd, drug use

I work at a college library but didn’t go to school there and one day these two beautiful boys blow in. They’re Freshmen, but they both seem older and wiser in different ways. Brady---and I only know his name because his friend keeps elbowing him and giving him what the hell, man? looks---is super rude to me, downtalking and loudly fake-laughing at things that aren’t actually funny. The other one gives me apologetic eyes and quickly cuts Brady off, tells me they don’t need help, and steers his friend firmly away. I hear them bickering and somehow know they’re having sex with each other. 

The next day, the nicer one meets me in the morning outside the library with a small regular coffee and tells me his name is Sam and that’s sorry his friend is such a jerk, that he doesn’t know what’s gotten into him lately. The day after that, he brings me a piece of peach pie and I laugh and tell him that it’s from the restaurant off-campus that I live above, and that it’s pretty cool living there because the kitchen closes at midnight so I can play my music loudly without bugging anyone. He asks me what kind of music I listen to and I tell him classic rock and 90s metal and Sam’s face does a weird thing and I can’t tell if he’s into it or annoyed, but I tell him I also like to find new music through TV shows, that I pirate soundtracks from online, and the next day he brings me this usb with BtVS, Jericho, Angel, Firefly, and Constantine comics on it.

Maybe a week goes by and then Sam’s at my apartment. He’s been extremely polite to me up to now, but once he’s there in that little space with me, I realise how huge he is. I freeze up, intimidated, even though I know what I want---even when he asks me, “Do you want me to fuck you?” Of fucking course I do, but he doesn’t move, sits sprawled in a half-broken overstuffed chair and just waits for me to get close before he puts a hand out to me, pulls me down over him. After the first time---and what I remember the most is how blue his eyes were during, how they shifted back to green and gold after---he’s less proper with me, at least when we’re alone. He stalks me in the small space, seems to love grabbing me from behind and lifting me so my feet aren’t on the ground and I have to hold onto the counter, the window frame, but he’s the sweetest gentleman outside, and even shuts Brady down when he tries to talk shit to me, jealous now, but we’re both in the same boat because Sam’s leaving for basic training soon.

I have a couple of months with him, that’s all. He stays at my apartment almost every night, comes to the library during the day whenever he can, always brings me coffee or a Spring flower. One night, he tells me he has a brother but he doesn’t know where Dean is, hasn’t seen him in a year and doesn’t know if Dean knows he’s leaving for the military. He’s got a number but he’s afraid to call it, so I do it for him. I have it on speaker, and a grumpy voice answers and Sam panics so I hang up, but that was definitely his brother and I make Sam promise he’ll call him back. I think he does, because he seems agitated the next time I see him, a weird mix of giddy and nervous and sad, and I don’t think he sleeps much in the night for the next few days before he leaves for basic.

A year goes by. I get letters from Sam, a few phone calls. He hates it, being told what to do, misses his long hair, but he likes being part of something, having people who watch his back and stick by each other, no matter what. I don’t see Brady after Sam leaves, but I meet this older guy at a party one night. He’s there selling cocaine and everyone calls him Bob, but his real name is Balthazar and I let him pick me up because I’ve been looking for a new dealer and he’s got it all. We fuck and it’s fun but not great and the next morning we get breakfast, drink black coffee and smoke cigarettes, sitting next to each other so we don’t have to actually look at each other, but he tells me I can usually always find him at a dive bar across town. I start hanging out there occasionally. Balthazar is a shithead to everyone but we become friends with benefits and his circle of friends are welcoming enough, and I’m hanging out there when I get a call from a strange number.

I recognise the grumpy voice, but this time it’s shaking a little, and Dean tells me Sam’s been killed. I was the last number called on Sam’s phone, and Dean ended up with all the letters we had written, and asks if we can meet. I tell him how to find the bar and he says he’ll be there two nights from now. Balthazar, for once, drops his bullshit when he sees how upset I am and gives me a bunch of free mushrooms and ecstasy because he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to actually be supportive himself. I pocket them and spend the next 48 hours numbly waiting for Dean. It seems normal, somehow, like I knew this was going to happen the whole time, I knew Sam wasn’t going to come back, and I hate that it feels that way but I can’t do anything to change it. 

Dean’s already at the bar when I show up and even though they don’t look anything alike, I know it’s him immediately. We have a couple drinks and then the regulars start to show up, and Dean slowly starts to look like a trapped animal. He goes pale, his hands clench into fists, and he bolts for the door as soon as I suggest ditching the bar, but he’s waiting for me outside, smoking a cigarette, and I notice he’s got Sam’s phone in his hand like it gives him comfort to hold onto it. I take Dean back to my place and he relaxes, tells me he likes my Christmas lights and I offer him the little bag of coke Balthazar slipped me on my way out, and Dean shows me how to powder it by breaking my tea ball and using the end of a pen to grind the crystals through the screen. We talk for hours, but not about Sam, not at first. It’s nonsense, but I can tell Dean’s wound pretty tight, has a lot of secrets, or at least things he feels he can’t tell most people, and that he’s sizing me up, trying to figure out why Sam liked me so much. I’m too spun out to worry if he finds what he’s looking for, but Dean lets me drag him to my bed when the sun starts coming up and we sleep most of the next day away and eat cold Chinese food for breakfast-dinner when we wake up. He tells me he’s gotta go get his car, and I don’t really believe he’ll come back, but he does, and brings a bag with him like he’s intending on staying, and I don’t tell him he can’t. 

He starts to open up that night, tells me about losing his mom when he was a little kid, how his dad was in the military and Dean practically raised Sam by himself, how they were moved around constantly. Dean joined the military as soon as he could, because their dad expected it of his oldest son. 

“Sam didn’t want me to,” he said, “but I was good at it. Taking orders my whole life, being responsible for---for others. For Sam. He wanted me to stay with him, was always coming up with some shit we could do together, a family business, but I wanted to be like Dad. Sam thought it was so dumb, but I did it anyway, and I think he joined because he wanted to show me how it felt. How... How worried he was for me, how much he missed me, but all I felt was proud of him, even though I knew it wasn’t what he wanted to do. I felt invincible, so of course he would be too. Typical bullshit, right? But no one’s invincible and now Sam’s dead. What the weirdest thing is, it bothers me that there was so much of him. That he was so stupid tall and strong. I don’t know why that makes it worse, but it does.”

Dean doesn’t cry when he tells me these things, and I get the impression that he doesn’t have any tears left, that he’d parked his big black car somewhere the day he was told Sam was dead and cried every last tear he’d ever cry in his life out. He’s sitting in the same busted chair Sam was the first time we fucked, but this time it’s me who asks Dean if he wants to. He nods, and the coloured lights make his eyes change like Sam’s would. He lets me do whatever I want to him, practically begs me to come around him and even then doesn’t just take what he wants. He’s passive, submissive, but so attentive, lets me wear myself out over him and then pets me right back to life, over and over. 

We spend weeks like that. My job is out for the summer and Dean pays my rent. He disappears once in a while, but calls me before he shows back up and then sleeps for a couple days before he’s himself again. I don’t ask where he’s been. We eat magic mushrooms and play Tetris on my old Nintendo and I look up info on how those things help with PTSD, and he says that’s something Sam would do, research. We like the same music and I remember the face Sam made, and we go to the bar once in a while. Girls flock to Dean, but Balthazar distracts half of them with his drugs and his sleazy smile and I chase the other half away by just sitting in Dean’s lap, grabbing his ass in front of them. He pretends to be embarrassed but I know he loves the attention, likes that I’m forward and possessive over him. 

[samthenifty]

Welp, time to get personal I guess. Story time peeps. If you care to read for a few.

So I'm currently in the process of switching jobs. From a minimum wage crew position at good ol McD's, to a starting pay of 13/hour as a interior cleaner of new homes being constructed. Also, bonus its a switch from the dreaded graveyard shift to a lovely regular week day 8 to 4 shift. All with the awesomeness of getting to work with my girlfriend again cuz they hired her too! So I've been stoked!

Although there is a lot of good change in my life, its been stressful. I am awful at handling change. Always have probably always will to some degree. I was also sad to be leaving my team. Almost all of which I thoroughly enjoyed being around. Sure I could try to stay in touch afterwards, but other than an added mutual at this sight to spam with memes. I knew I'd be losing touch with all of them. The allies we have in the hellscape of these sorts of jobs, they are valuable and treasured. Take away the warfront though, and we'd have no real reason to stick together.

I'd only been at this latest Mc'Ds for a couple months, but I'd managed to gather a few amazing memories already. I'll treasure those, along with a couple harsh lessons its brought my way.

One of these lessons, is why I'm writing this post. The lesson that, even with all the growth I've had in recent years, I have a lot to learn about reading people still.

A small bit of backstory for you guys. I have a couple of mental illnesses (no surprise, this is tumblr after all) including generalized anxiety disorder, depression and aspergers tendencies. This last one, for how it affects me at least, essentially hinders my ability to read people. Social cue readings going arrie when I try to absorb them. A very common example being my problem with thinking someone is mad/negative when they probably weren't trying to. Combine that mess with my anxiety, and it becomes very hard to be around people I have had altercations with in the past.

A couple days ago I started the first day of my two weeks after giving McD's my notice. I went in ready to go. Ready to be a part of the team and make the most out of my remaining time. When a little ways into my shift an altercation began. One I have not fully recovered from.

For the sake of anonymity we'll refer to her as M, she is a overnight manager. I had known her as a customer, she was a favorite of mine and my girlfriend's back when she was a crew member. Then one day I came back to the store on a snack run, and I found out she was a manager. Shortly after I applied and started working overnights.

I had been so enamored with her customer service persona that I was so sure I would enjoy working with her. For some parts I was right. She was complicated, mildly selfish and sharp tongued, but I didn't dislike her. At least not at first.

Over the short time I've been working here, I slower started to see through my old view of M. Who I tried my best to continue liking, but it didn't last. One reason being that we had several situations where I would try to say/suggest something helpful, and she'd talk me back into a corner, refusing to give up the last word. I always bit my tongue and tried to brush it off. It wasn't a big deal right? She's the boss after all, so what does it matter what I think right? Fucking wrong.

So when this particular situation arose yet again, I finally lost my patience. Here's what happened okay?

I was running orders for front counter, the guy on register being a new guy. A new guy who had mentioned to me that he hoped he would get assigned the sauces later. He liked that job he told me. So a little while later, after the rush had lulled, I went to ask M if she would be okay with me having the new guy take the sauces along with the three boxes of sauce we no longer needed up front. I was going to continue to say "and I'll watch front counter since I can run for myself", cuz I figured I was probably the more experienced between us. I didn't get a chance to say that part though, because she cut me off and said "why can't you?" I don't remember the next couple of remarks, but the exchange ended in me grabbing up the sauce boxes, informing her that it was just an idea, I don't need to hear all the freaking sass all the time.

By the time I had gotten the boxes back to the shelves, I was starting to fall apart. Whether she meant to or not, M had triggered an anxiety attack. I motioned for a coworker of mine, my mcmutual I mentioned earlier. I told her what had happened as best I could through my choked throat. Tears escaping despite my best efforts to hold my composure. She talked me down, bless her soul. I managed to make it to my ten minute break shortly after. I opened this meme machine website and a doggo cheered me up. I was shaky but stable. Then M came in, sat across from me in the tiny crew room. And tried to confront the situation. Which would have been fine. If she had handled it better. But this is M we're talking about, so of course it wasn't.

She opened up the conversation well, telling me she can't empathize/sympathize if she didn't know whats wrong. That she didn't understand why I, one of her usually best team players under any circumstances (actually a really nice compliment), was trying to push off work onto someone else. I tried my best to explain, she cut my off and told me that new guy was almost off when I asked. Something she could have told me, but didn't. I told her. (Note that he had ended up filling the sauces anyways, so all of this was for nothing in the long run.) She kept running the conversation in circles, making the whole thing about her really, and I gave up eventually. "You clearly just don't understand." I told her. I had given up on trying to explain, I just wanted to talking to end and to move on with the night. Then, she had the gall to get angry with me. She gets offended, gathers her things, and says something along the lines of "fine, you want to sit in here and pout. Whatever, you're leaving in two weeks anyways."

I was, livid. Less than a second following her last words, I boiled over. Taking my phone, which had been under my hand through out the conversation, and slammed it against the table. Fracturing my screen protector (and what I thought was my screen at the time), pissing me off worse, but not as much as the rest of the altercation had. Fine then I'm leaving I yelled after her. I grabbed my stuff, said sorry to the three ladies I was abandoning in night crew, and I sat outside next to their dumb drive through, waiting for my mom to pick me up.

I talked to the general manager in the morning, and I told him what happened, in an abbreviated fashion of course. I told him that I wanted to be there for my time still, but I didn't feel comfortable with working with M. He understood, and asked if I could work 9 to 1 am (half my original shift) so I could be off at the same time as L (another manager lady). I agreed, and he said I didn't have to work Friday and I told him I'd happily come in on Saturday and Sunday still. (I had been under the impression that M wasn't working those nights, but more on that later.)

So yesterday (friday) I go in, and as per usual I'm dropped off almost an hour early due to my girlfriend also being on a McD's night crew in a different city as a manager. I usually would chill in the crew room, but I hunkered down out in lobby instead, hoping to avoid any further conflict. A minute before I'm supposed to clock in I went back to put my coat and bag away. I put on my headband, turned around to leave the tiny crew room, and there she was. M blocking the doorway. Preventing me from starting the workday in peace.

She started with an apology. Which was good and seemed earnest. I was tired of being emotional though, and I knew talking further would trigger my anxiety. So I said, "okay, but I don't want to talk about it."

That's it, that should have been the end of it.

Friends.

It wasn't.

She turned around the conversation again, making it about herself. "Well I won't be okay if I don't talk about it." She says. I didn't say this at the time, but I honestly didn't care. I along with what feels like the entirety of night crew, have been catering to M's mood ever since I started just so we won't all be miserable. I was done with that. I was too tired. I had to look out for myself. So I cut her off, for the first time ever, and I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She stormed off, muttering something about not caring I think.

And that was how I spent less than three minutes in the back of my store. Along with two almost hour long periods before and after in the lobby.

As I waited for my parents to come get me from the lobby, L came to find out what happened. I tried my best to explain it along with a small bit of info on my anxiety. About how I have trouble with people who make me feel emotionally unstable, that no matter how hard I try, M would forever me an unsafe person to me. She couldn't make me stay she says, but she would make sure I had a safe place to work on saturday.

This morning that last comment haunted me. So I called the general manager again, clarifying whether or not M works tonight. When he told me yes, dread started seeping into me. He told me L was going to make sure we stayed seperate. I expressed my doubts, "If M wants something she does it" I told him. I was going to try though, for the sake of my team.

It is currently almost 2:30 pm, and I have not slept. Up until an hour ago I had been trying to, but I've just been too stressed. So I called back, and I told the general manager what was happening. He tried to talk me into going at first, but I think he could tell how strained I was. I apologized profusely, assured him I would be there tomorrow night (the only shift I have left without M), and called out on tonight's shift.

Since that call, I've taken a shower and written this accidental novel. I feel a bit better now. Thank you if you read this far. I know a small handful of you who definitely will. You know who you are. I love you guys. I'm gonna maybe play a game and get a little sleep. Wish me luck tomorrow.