#at least im never dying any time soon but i have to finish this stage in 15 rounds buddy | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

organic-guacamole · 3 years ago

Text

episode 210 here we go

awww seb doing the intro

congratulations to milky white and her baby chocolate milk😌

seb is so funny

but seriously, clean up that milk fast or else it will smell so bad in there....

was that Lauryn just randomly doing cartwheels? idk any theatre kids irl but that seems like it's a common thing...

is it just me or has ms Jenn been getting more harsh to Ricky and Seb mainly-

like what did they do to her

no because I actually snorted with laughter at the "you came back" WHAT IS THAT VOICE-

AND THE MASK OMG

yeah so my throat hurts now

I'm dying over here

KOURTNEY'S FACE

SAME GIRL SAME

Ricky's fake death got the whole place in tears /s

he looks like an asthmatic walrus

Seb's on piano, I love

we all know if he was the beast we'd all actually be crying✋

ok but I listen to Julia's version of home on Spotify when I want to cry-

right so gimme a second

is Ricky scratching his face.....while he's dying?

"belle i-" *flop*

round of applause to Ashlyn for trying to make Ricky's earthworm seizure look less.... yknow

Kourtney's just dying there

WAIT IS THAT NATALIE

did she really just disappear for 9 episodes just to come back and stare dramatically into the camera

WAIT SCRATCH THAT SHES HERE TO MURDER ASHLYN AND RICKY

oh so Ricky's wearing a gay shirt now too

so that's the real reason why Rini broke up, see y'all next season when Gini and caswen become canon /j

wait that was a long intro scene-

what was that look Carlos-

TALK TO MY BOY OR ELSE

carlos' run is so funny to me

therapist Ashlyn to the rescue

"that is...super" son you good?

ms Jenn call Benjamin, he would willingly put his loved ones on a rocket and blast them into Venus for you....

maybe

"I don't want you kids to be disappointed" girl you do realise you're the one that's most invested in this?

"a smooth opening night" wasn't there just 1 show though-

like their opening night was closing night too

"I think I was Troy at one point" PLEASE THATS THE MOST ACCURATE DESCRIPTION OF THE SEASON 1 FINALE

me Jenn looks like a serial killer during that clap and I'm lowkey scared for zacky

"I have notes"

oo if you're taking suggestions, lemme get my list

"mother is freaking out" uhhhhhh

right....'mother"

"is everyone sitting down?"

*looks around awkwardly*

*big red slowly sits*

"no..."

please seb was the only one sitting-

does that mean Carlos looked at Seb as soon as he walked in and assumed that everyone else was sitting too or am I a seblos clown🤡

"is this about the transformation"

WOW MAYBE OT IS RICKY

WOW HES A DETECTIVE FOR FIGURING THAT OUT SO QUICK🤩

YO WHY IS NATALIE HERE-

she just shows up when it's convenient? is she gonna be at the sleepover too?

Seb's heavy swallow after Carlos shouts at him makes me so sad

"I never learned how to lie but I figure if I keep my mouth closed, I can't tell the truth" *nods and smiles at Nini when she asks*

why are they casually standing up all over the pizza shop, just sit at a big table and talk instead of blocking passageways and blocking off at least 6 tables-

"how about I invite myself" WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO INVITE THEMSELVES TO ASHLYN'S HOUSE-

YOU CAN ASK BUT JUST FORCE YOUR WAY IN?

so Cash Caswell has a bigger house than... Dennis Caswell.... who would've thought

ah yes there's the good old EJ 1.0

Nini: "boys vs girls"

Gina: *looks devastated and glances longingly at EJ*

way to be inconspicuous

"but north high should be" *cracks her knuckles in the most uncomfortable way*

good for Ashlyn for getting more confident though

oo bossy big red

"i get bossy around the power tools"

is that why Ashlyn was holding up the drill in episode 8 orrrr 🤠

Lily, leave him alone please

she's literally not blinking, is that what makes her creepy?

the diss at big red and his face afterwards is priceless

isn't that similar to what Gina's mom said to her in season 1? hmmmm

but seriously please don't try to redeem lily, let us have a character to hate, or to love because they're evil.

not everyone's a good guy.

"im not liked here and I don't know what to do"

let antoine finish his salad and it'll fix everything

"hug emoji" *gags*

y'all realize Lily's literally 14?

why is she calling a 16/17 year old from another school for personal advice-

"he gets weird around tools"

I shouldn't be laughing so hard

"deja vu maybe?" awkward silence

I'm dying here I love EJ so so so so much

"where's seb"

*cuts to seb being held hostage hoping that they'd notice he's missing and go look for him*

"don't ask"

"oh ok"

"100% real faux fur" as you should queen

more asks answered under the cut!

suki let’s cry together 🙁 i’ve been in denial and have been crying abt the leaks on twt. anyways even if he d-worded we can always write fics where he’s alive! i will forever deny his death 🥲

yes anon yes please let us cry together. yeah right? like damn i have never cried this much lmfao. i do want to write fics for him but i’m currently on the five stages of grief hahahha idk i don’t want to believe it!!!

@fyodors-crime SUKI WTF i haven't been on here in a while but WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY KILL NAOYA OFF AND THEN DISBAND THE ZENIN CLAN WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING i'm lowkey shaking no this is too soon for him to go

bestie idk what is going on either 😀🤡

its the anon that kept going "ok" sorry about that im in a state of denial

its alright bestie i am still not in a state of denial so here be the waterworks 😭

@naoyailoveu he isn't dead if we don't read the chapter

the leaks???? smh our man deserves more than that

Naoya had so much potential. Damn I'm sad

JJK 152 LEAKS: i was literally just saying that i was happy bc of the hiatus so like naoya will be alive for longer then boom the leaks :((

jjk manga spoilers! - - - he had sooo much potential :(( i was hoping we’d even see him in the culling game or at least have a face off with megumi in the future

EXACTLY LIKE! why introduce a character as iconic as that with the sneak peeks of his backstory and then he was killed by the most irrelevant character? feel like gee is just slandering naoya bcos we didn’t even get a proper backstory / future arc / or even a part where he shows what he’s capable of 🥺 plus that death is so!!! he got a dramatic entrance and had a lame death what is that 😔

@mimines My condolences. You were always on my tl simping over him ( This is my first time using Ask so hopefully I dont embarrass myself )

i love him sm 🥺💕

with how jjk manga is going i do really wonder if gege is still enjoying his work bc ngl after the shibuya arc everything seems too rushed 👁👁🥴🥴

ah same anon same same...i have a feeling gege is not enjoying writing jjk anymore and i’m worried that he might just end up killing everyone and it’s so 💀it feels too rushed like where is the story going anymore 😐

are you okay? not in direct regards to the leaks but the fact that ppl seemed to run to your inbox to spoil it for you... idk I hope you’re doing alright

i am alright thanks for the concern! i don’t mind being spoiled 💕

man i hate this chapter my heart hurts i really wanted gege to keep him a little longer at least wtfff

I JUST SAW THE SPOILERS AAAAA It's a bit of an unfulfilling end tbh with the build in Naoya's character only for him to be d-worded by a character who appeared in less than 5 panels. Like, since there was a little back story and how he was sympathetic to Toji and Gojo huhu Naoya's a good character to just die. I'm sad for his character since he's just the reflection of what a misogynistic and power greedy society does to a child. He would've survived ajdjasjQJFJAJDJAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

naoya’s design was so cool i mean he was supposed to be this traditional dude but he had DYED hair and piercings djsjsjsns😩 please if he was stabbed or something there’s still hope (as long as he still has his head) who knows what if someone healed him or something ugh im desperate

I really thought Naoya would make a great antagonist and represent something,,,even if it was a bad cause or bad behavior or whatever, bcos his character had so much potential and he was so iconic and just... Like what is going on??? Exactly Gege had so much build on Naoya and even that backstory of him wanting to stand with Toji and Gojo and then 💀 omg anon ikr...like no one is born evil, Naoya’a beliefs are ones he grew up in and I think he perfectly represents why family plays an influential part in one’s growth and that he’s just another kid who was raised wrongly by the toxicity of the Zen’in clan 💀 UGH ANON I SURE DO HOPE HE STILL HAS HIS HEAD 😭😭😭 i’m desperate too but i’ve long accepted that maybe it’s time for me to go as well, the zen’in estate is empty anyway 😔 /lh

my notifications just spoiled me omg, wow 😢

Why do people have to spoil the jjk chapters 😭😭

why are your anons so rude? if they know youre a naoya stan why would they send you spoilers like that knowing it might upset you? people shouldn’t spoil the deaths of their faves because it could be really hurtful and its annoying because its like no one cares what you feel

smhhhh why are people telling you he died like eye 🧍🏽‍♀️do they not know it would be upsetting

besties...i am okay with spoilers, i love spoilers actually. thanks for the concern but i don’t think any of the people who spoiled me had the intention to upset me with it, rather to just tell me on what went on. yes ofc i’m heartbroken by the turn of events but i am not mad at anyone. if anyone was being rude to me i would call them out on it, plus my blog is not spoiler free so its a given i am okay with spoilers.

#asks with naoya's trophy wife #jjk: manga spoilers #tw: death

6 notes · View notes

flirting-with-psychology · 4 years ago

Text

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? Yes

Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? He was celebrating thanksgiving with his parents during my birthday but he called me

What’s the first word of the last text message you received? I

Do you think you’ve changed at all over the past year? I’ve gotten more anxiety and gotten fatter

Is there a song that reminds you of your ex? Do you still listen to that song? I Almost Do, Red, and If This Was A Movie (all by taylor swift). Yes I still listen

Did you tag anyone in your last Facebook status? Not in the post I shared, but in my last original post I tagged my boyfriend

How do you behave when you’re drunk? Usually giggly and overexcited

What is your least favorite type of chocolate? White chocolate

When was the last time you felt disappointed? What was the reason? Disappointed that the gym won’t let me cancel over the phone and might still charge me for february

Is there someone that can make you smile, even when you feel like crying? Not always

Is there a certain person on your mind right now? Tell me about him/her. My boyfriend

You’re getting ready to go to bed, and the last person you kissed shows up, what do you do? Get into bed with him

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? Being annoyed at my dad’s snoring through the walls

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? Maybe

Are you okay right now? I haven’t been okay this whole year

What time did you get up today? Like 1:30

When was the last time you saw your mom? The other day

What is the last thing you drank today? Water

Do you dislike/hate anyone? Donald trump and Mitch McConnell

Where is your best friend right now? At home I assume

When will your next kiss be? As soon as we get negative test results

Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? No

Does anyone completely understand you? No

Who was the last girl you hugged outside of family? I don’t remember, it’s been a long time

Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days? No

What will you be doing in 3 hours? Probably wasting time

How often do you straighten your hair? Never now, I used to when it was short

What are you currently looking forward to? The costume sale that hopefully I will be able to go to

Is tomorrow gonna be a good day? What are you going to do? Lol probably not

Who did you last hang out with? My dad

Did anyone see your last kiss? No

Could things possibly get any better? I fucking hope so

Do you know who you’ll even kiss next? I assume it will be my boyfriend

Do you ever sleep in jeans? No, that sounds really uncomfortable

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? Stress

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night? No

Are you in love lately? Not sure

How often do you see your ex? Rarely

Who was the last person to text you? My boyfriend

Did you like anyone last summer? Yes, my boyfriend

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? Yeah

Who was the last person you stayed up with till 2am? My boyfriend

Do you want a boyfriend or girlfriend? I enjoy having one

Are you currently in a relationship? Yes

Do you use a full length mirror daily? Most days

Would you be shocked if the person you have feelings for texted you? No

Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? I would like to reconnect with my friend Shaina

What are you planning on doing after this? Idk

Is there a girl you would do anything for? No

Who IMed you on facebook last? My mom

How old are you? 26

Do you love dogs? Yes

Were you finished childhood and teens when Harry Potter movies came out? No, they started coming out when I was in elementary school

Did you keep all your VHS tapes? Probably

Do you think Jack Nicholson is a good actor? Yeah I think so

Have you ever watched an episode of “The Honeymooners”? No

Have you ever owned a pair of high-top Converse? No

Do you have rain boots with a cute pattern on them? I have cowboy rainboots

Would you rather eat an apple or an orange right now? Apple

Would you rather do a cartwheel on land or a backflip in water? If I could do either of them, a backflip in water would be cool

Have you ever performed on stage in front of people? Yes

Were you kinda scared of the goths in high school? Not scared, just didn’t have anything in common with them

What size is your mattress?(single,twin,double,queen,king) Full size

Do you eat foods from all 4 food groups everyday? Lol no

Do you sleep in PJs? Yes

Do you prefer watching TV or listening to music? Watching TV. Listening for music needs to be accompanied by another activity

Would you rather watch a movie in theatre or at home? Theater is fun, but right now at home

Do you prefer brown or white rice? White

Do you like spaghetti? I love spaghetti

What about lasagna? No, I don’t like red sauce

Do you celebrate Christmas? No

Is your Thanksgiving celebrated in October too? Who does that?

Do you like chocolate bars? Yes

what about ice cream? Mostly, although sometimes the plain flavors are boring

Have you ever been stung by anything? What was it? Wasps a few times

Do you get tired easily? Only in the morning

Or do you always have plenty of energy to spare? No

Have you ever done volunteer work? Where? I volunteered as a teaching assistant What about court-ordered community service? No

Have you ever worn contacts?(even just to try them out) I tried but it made my vision all swimmy

Would you wear contacts on a daily basis? Maybe if I got some that worked

Are your ears pierced? How many times? One on each ear

Do you have GOD-GIVEN(not dyed) natural brown hair too? I have natural brown hair but I don’t believe it’s god-given

Or were you born blonde? No

Have you found a gray hair on your head or body before? I don’t think so. Both of my parents kept their hair color for awhile so hopefully I got that gene

Have you ever had any suspicious moles removed? Yes, on my arm

Have you ever been screened for STDs? Yes

Are all your wisdom teeth pulled? Yes

Did you have your tonsils taken out? No

Did you have your appendix taken out? No

How many kidneys do you have?(have you donated one?) I have both of them

Would you(to save someone)?^^^ I'm not sure. If it was someone I loved and there wasn’t one already on hand, maybe

Have you ever found a bug or slug in your salad? ewww no

Do you like Harry Potter? Yes

What about Twilight? It was ok, I liked it at the time I read it How do you feel about Lord of the rings? I like the movies

Are you going to see ‘The Hobbit’ when it comes out? I did

Do you have a glass that says 'Molson Canadian’ on it? No

Do you have any collector’s glasses or cups or mugs? I have a bunch of shotglasses from places I visit

Would you rather have a white fridge or a black fridge or a stainless steel fridge? Stainless steel

What size shoe do you wear? 7.5-8 womens

Do you have a wide foot or a narrow foot or just average? Kind of dorito-shaped, so some shoe types just don’t fit

Do you bite your nails when you’re stressed? No

Do you have to take an allergy pill daily in order to live normally? No

Are you on the birth control pill? No

Or are you trying to get pregnant? I’m trying not to get pregnant, but I use condoms instead

You’d rather wear black sneakers or sneakers in a bright color or pattern? Probably bright color

Has anyone ever told you they were attracted to you? Yes

Can you swim well in water way above your head? Decently

Are you afraid of thunder & lightening? No

Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No

What about a tornado? No

Are you closer to your dad?(more so than your mom) I’m probably a little closer to my mom

Were you your parents’ first born? Yes

Do you have a child? Is the father still with you? No

Did you trade stickers at recess when you were a kid? No

How old were you when you had your first crush? Do you remember their name? I was like 5 the first time I put a word to it and his name was Aidan, but I probably had sort-of crushes even before that

Can you even remember what the hell they looked like? Blond, bowl-cut at the time. He actually grew up to be really hot so I guess I knew how to pick em

Have you ever operated any type of motorized vehicle before? A car

Are you going to drink alcohol tonight? Maybe

Have you ever heard of the Canadian kids show called “Mr. Dressup”? No

What about the kids show “Fred Penner’s Place”? No

Did you hate Sesame Street when you were little too? A little

Were you born perfectly healthy or with some(or a lot) of health issues? I might have had some minor things

Do you collect DVDs? Not as a collection, but I buy movies I like a lot

Do you download music? Yes

Or do you still go to stores and buy CDs? No, those are like twice as much

Did you skip(jumo-rope) a lot as a kid? No, I was bad at it

Did you ever catch any bugs or insects with your friends as a kid? Only roly polies

Didn’t you just LOVE art class in elementary school?! Yeah

Have you ever played dodgeball? Yes but not well

What about Red Rover? No

Have you ever played “What time is it mr. wolf?”? It sounds familiar but I don’t remember it

Do you hate your weight? Yes

Have you ever struggled with a mental illness? A little

Serious question, peanut butter or nutella? Peanut butter for a sandwich, nutella for eating straight out of the jar

Have you ever stepped on a snail? No

Do you prefer baked potatoes or mashed potatoes? Mashed

Do you prefer ankle socks over regular socks? Ankle socks

Last movie you’ve seen in theaters? I can’t remember

What is your oldest sibling’s middle name? I don’t have one

Have you ever been to Disneyland or Disney World? Both

Would you ever go backpacking across any country? Probably not

Would you prefer to travel around the world by yourself or with a friend? With a friend

Do you like breadsticks? Yes

Do you usually wear shorts around your house all year long? No, but I do wear short sleeves year round

What state were you born in? Colorado

Have you ever had a nose bleed? All the time

How far away do you live from your birthplace? Like 15 minutes

Do you have a weak stomach? No

Do you know anybody who has been diagnosed with cancer? Yes

Have you ever had to take care of an intoxicated person? Yes

Have you ever considered becoming a lawyer? Slightly but not really

Do you *really* like donuts? Yes

Do you think Disney World could ever get old? At some point

If you could, would you hookup with the last person you texted? Yes

What are your favorite things to spend money on? Jewelry and nerd stuff

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight? I am talking to him right now

What do you usually order on a pizza? No sauce, cheese, garlic, pinapple Do you and your boyfriend/girlfriend fight a lot? Not really

Who’s the first person with the letter “m” in your contacts? Mac

Which would you rather have a new puppy or kitten? Kitten

How old will you be on your next birthday? 27 yikes

What color are your underwear? Turquoise

Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? If it’s messy

#survey

2 notes · View notes

lcngview · 5 years ago

Text

✈️ — ⌜park jimin, cismale, cis male⌟ ↝ have you heard ? it seems like the heir of the HAE was very close to Liam Yu too. they go by ISAAC and they were Liam's MUSE. their network is of 87M and they’re only TWENTY FOUR … what a burden it must be. i heard they can be very ENERGETIC and LIGHT-HEARTED but these last few months, their RESTLESS and EMOTIONAL personality has been showing more. the media is sure having a filled day with them! i hope this road trip with friends will help them. did you know that LATE NIGHTS AT THE DANCE STUDIO, NEW TATTOOS THAT HIS PARENTS CAN’T SEE, A GRILLED CHEESE WITH TRUFFLE OIL AND HANGING OUT WITH THE FAMILY DOG DURING DINNER PARTIES really show their true persona ? maybe Liam was the only one who knew that.

hello my darlings!! i’m lis and this is my cinnamon roll isaac. he’s a old muse of mine that i’ve decided to repurpose so there’s still some random holes in his backstory i still have to figure out so pls excuse me. i’m kind of a hot mess all the time honestly but ily all already and im v excited to start writing with you! you can find me on discord ( *𝙡𝙞𝙨.#2158 ) or we can just chat on tumblr <3

oh also you can find isaac’s pinterest here! its not totally finished but u know.

basics.

name: isaac hae gender: cis male. age: twenty-four ( 24 ) sexuality: homosexual. birthday: december 14th. zodiac: sagittarius hometown: new york, ny.

physical.

faceclaim: park jimin. hair: naturally black, currently dyed and styled like this. eyes: brown. build: despite his small stature he has an athletic build with strong legs from dancing.

tattoos: [he has a few artsy ones mostly on his back and ribs where his parents can’t see them but i'm too lazy to list them rn, i’ll get to it eventually jfkjsbjk] height: 5′7″

languages: english, korean

+ traits: energetic, light-hearted - traits: restless, emotional

--------

bio.

↳ isaac hae was born and raised in new york ctiy as the only child to two real estate developers turned luxury hotel owners in december 1996.

↳ his parents weren’t around much when he was growing up so he was raised mostly by the families butler Simon; as a result, isaac isn’t really all that close to his parents. to this day, despite having lived on his own for the past 6 years he still makes it a point to go to the family estate to see Simon when he can.

↳ isaac was around five when his parents began enrolling him in various afterschool activities; soccer, piano, tennis, archery, but he knew he had no interest in doing any of those things. he wanted to dance. after a few months of begging his mother gave in and enrolled him in a contemporary dance school. while his father was never silent about his dislike for his only son being interested in dance isaac never really cared, he barely saw his dad anyways.

↳ it didn’t take long after he started dancing for his teacher to notice his natural talent and isaac quickly became the most skilled dancer in his year, the competition trophies and metals quickly filling up the bookshelf in his bedroom.

↳ when isaac was around twelve his mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer almost out of the blue. this dropped a bomb on his relatively normal life up until that point. the next nine months were spent in and out of hospitals as his mom got treatment from the best doctors in the world. despite the fact that he was never all that close to her the fact that she was sick and not getting better made him rethink their relationship, she was his mom after all.

↳ after his mom passed isaac spent the next few years throwing himself into dance more than usual while the relationship with his father quickly deteriorated. the only time his father made it a point to talk to his son was to ask about school and how the college search was going, only interested in the future reputation of the company his son would take over.

↳ isaac eventually graduated high school and ran off to college, wanting to escape being under his father's thumb as quickly as possible. this was where he met liam. the older boy had wandered into the dance studio one day while isaac practiced for an upcoming showcase asking if he could watch and while he was confused at first he eventually agreed.

↳ the first few times all liam did was sit in the corner and watch isaac while he practiced, only asking a few questions but not really speaking much beyond a greeting and saying goodbye. by the third or fourth time liam showed up at the studio he didn’t come empty-handed like normal, instead he had a sketchbook which he had immediately opened once isaac started dancing.

↳ it wasn’t until a few weeks had passed that isaac learned what liam had been doing, why he had continued coming to the studio even after that first time and was now sketching him. he had been painting isaac... and not just once either. after some coaxing liam eventually showed isaac the paintings.

↳ it was from that point on that liam and isaac developed an interesting relationship, anytime the older boy was feeling particularly uninspired he would come watch the younger one dance. isaac wasn’t totally sure what it was about his dancing that inspired liam but he didn’t ask, genuinely enjoying the company as he was usually alone in the studio at night. eventually the two became actual friends, keeping in touch even after liam had graduated.

↳ the next few years isaac spent dancing and working towards his business degree (to appease his father and the board of directors) before eventually graduating and moving into one of the penthouse apartments owned by his father's company in downtown new york city.

↳ despite being in the same city as liam (most of the time), with their crazy schedules it was difficult to see each other as often as either one of them would have liked. but liam still made a point to come to the studio to watch him dance when he had time.

↳ currently isaac works for his dad and dances at a nearby studio whenever he’s not at work.

tldr; isaac is just a dancing cinnamon with some parental issues spurring from his moms death and father just not being around.

------

personality.

isaac can be a sassy little shit when he wants to be, typically always joking around and always in a good mood. it’s very rare to see this boy have an off day. despite this isaac has the most insane worth ethic which is why he is either practicing at the studio or working, rarely letting himself have any sort of off time (he prefers it this way tbh). at the end of the day isaac is really just a giant ball of sunshine wrapped up in a cinnamon roll. all he wants is to be your friend and make sure you feel loved. (he doesn’t always save a lot of that love for himself though asfjhg)

-------

headcanons.

↳ third generation korean-american, his grandparents moved to the states in the early 1960′s.

↳ despite being comfortable with his sexuality he hasn’t totally come out of the closet to his family and doesn’t see that happening anytime soon. outside of his friends, he tries to keep his sexual preferences on the down-low, not wanting the media to get wind of it.

↳ is NOT a morning person, never was and probably never will be. the only time isaac doesn’t have his sunshine personality on full display is in the first couple hours after he wakes up so he makes it a point to avoid everyone until he feels more like himself.

↳ isaac is absolutely terrible about his phone. it’s always dead or broken (despite being able to buy a brand new one) and he almost prefers it that way. this boy always has at least 17 unread texts and 9 missed calls at all times. if you are trying to get in contact with him it’s best to just give up.

↳ while in college he did his best to keep his family's wealth a secret, not wanting people to look at him differently just because he had a large trust fund waiting for him.

↳ it wasn’t until a couple years ago that isaac realized he had a crush on liam and it scared the crap out of him. almost immediately after he came to the realization he knew liam could never find out and shoved the feelings deep down. isaac valued their friendship too much to ruin it but now kind of regrets not saying anything now.

↳ the duality this boy possesses is almost comical. day to day he is just isaac, the ball of sunshine and happiness most people know him to be but the moment he steps into that dance studio he turns into a different person. he becomes the type of person you probably wouldn’t want to bring home to your parents. isaac can turn this side of him on and off like a switch though most of the time he doesn’t realize that he is even doing it in the first place.

#mytime; intro #* ♡ ˙ ˖ ✧ — ⧼ 𝚒𝚜𝚊𝚊𝚌 𝚑𝚊𝚎 ⧽ ⋰ * ✧ intro.#this is almost obnoxiously long #and honestly kinda terrible #so if u make it through i'm v proud

12 notes · View notes

rorynne · 5 years ago

Text

Time Lost (Rewrite) Ch 1

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/Reader

Summary: An accident during a mission sends you back in time to the second world war. There you enlist the help of Peggy Carter, Steve Rogers, and Bucky Barnes to find the object that can send her back.

Warnings: not much bucky but he will be more present going forward

Word count: 2.7k

A/N: This is a rewrite of an OC fic that I have been writing and been wanting to turn into a reader Fic. Im unsure if I will be continuing the OC fic currently, I may just transfer it completely to my reader Fic. Currently 6 chapters are up of the OC fic, and I shall be posting a rewritten chapter every few days on here.

Masterlist

Prologue

Storm clouds hung heavy in the sky as you sat in the back of a jeep bound for the current SSR base in Italy. Almost two years of searching and there was barely any information on the bell to go off of. It was beyond frustrating. At this rate, you were starting to wonder if you would ever get back to your time. Granted, all of the documents you brought back were dated 1943 or later, chances were development on the bell had only just begun. And if that were the case, hopefully, it wasn't going to take them seventy years to finish.

Your general lack of ability to change anything also proved to be frustrating as hell. Only Peggy knew of your true origins. They had both decided against going around saying you were from the future, god only knew that would just get them both locked up. However, as a result, that meant you were far less likely to be believed any time you tried to keep an event from happening if you lacked any evidence. you never thought you would sympathize with Cassandra.

“I was beginning to wonder when you'd show up.” A familiar voice teased as the jeep came to a halt. You smiled as you saw Peggy waiting to inspect the arriving convoy. Peggy had managed to make the last two years far more bearable, becoming quick friends with you.

“You know me,” You said, jumping out of the back of the jeep. “I like to keep everyone guessing.”

Peggy smiled as you approached. “Perhaps a little too much.” She accused. “How was Paris?”

You shrugged and canted your head, “Beautiful city, great food, interesting history.” You crossed your arms. “Too bad I wanted to shoot the majority of my company.”

“I trust you were able to resist the temptation?” Said Peggy eyeing you in amusement.

“Figured I would let the boys have the nazi killing fun for now.” You sniffed indignantly. “Kind of regret it now. At least then I would have something to account for coming back.”

“No luck on the bell?”

“No luck on anything.” You corrected, “A whole lot of Nazis but no hydra. It seems the intel we had was either old or false.”

Peggy nodded at one of the soldiers carrying a crate from a truck. “You think they’ve caught on to us?”

You chewed your cheek. “I'm not sure. I can't say they knew I was coming, or I’d be dead. Or at least so I would assume. I don't see any reason why they would keep me alive knowing I'm a spy. But at the same time, there wasn't a single member of hydra there. I've never seen that before, usually there's at least one.

Peggy narrowed her eyes. “If we aren't being fed false information then somethings happening.”

“And whatever it is, I think the ones outside of hydra are just about as in the dark as we are. Hydra’s making a play, a big one.”

“A faction split?” Peggy offered.

“It's possible. But if it's that, they've got to be pretty confident that they can win.” You scratched the back of your neck, entirely unsure of what to make about any of it.

Peggy nodded, “If what the surviving 107th are saying is true, it seems they've got just that.” Seemingly content with the convoy, Peggy started towards the SSR command tent. “Your history books say anything about this?”

You followed close behind. “About the 107th? Not much. They get captured, Captain America comes in and saves the day singlehandedly. Dunno how much stock I put into to all that personally. Lotta things about the Cap and hydra got covered up after the war by shield. Especially in the history books.”

Peggy frowned, walking into the tent. “I can believe it. I've seen Rogers in action, unfortunately, the army seems content parading him around America singing about war bonds.

Your eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me, what?”

“Peggy gestured to the poster hanging from a support beam of the tent. “Captain America,” it read, “on tour: Allied bases across Europe and North Africa.” You bit your lip to keep from laughing, this was not how you ever imagined meeting Captain America.

“They, they really have him singing?” You said, fighting to keep a straight face.

“Dancing at the very least,” said Peggy, not sounding the slightest bit amused. “Bloody waste if you ask me. He’ll be arriving and preforming here tomorrow.”

You shook your head, still staring at the poster. “I wouldn't miss it for the world.”

The captain's performance was, frankly, every bit as hilarious as you expected. The rest of the crowd, however, didn't seem to agree. Instead, they demanded the dancing girls come back on stage. You grimaced as the famous Steve Rogers walked off stage, noticeably embarrassed. The Captain America you knew was a hero, a legend even. But this was before all of his exploits before he saved the world more times than you could count. He barely seemed to be the same man.

You held back for a time, figuring he would want space after such a humiliation. But, as the rain that had been threatening for two days now began to pour, you went searching for him. Surely there was something that pushed him out of the theater and into heroism because he was far better at the latter. Whose brilliant idea even was it to have him dancing around in the first place?

You found him with Peggy, taking refuge from the rain under a wooden awning behind the stage. Peggy's face was stern as you neared, “And these are your only options? Lab rat or dancing monkey?”

“War hero seems like a fun third option.” You cut in, earning a raised eyebrow from Peggy. “Or, you know, literally anything else.”

He looked at you with apprehension and confusion as Peggy took a patient breath. “What Agent L/N means, is you were meant for more than this.”

You extended a hand to him. “Sorry, my humor isn't for everyone. Y/N L/N.”

He nodded, shaking your hand. “Steve Rogers.” He sighed as his attention was pulled to an arriving red cross truck. “These men look like they've gone through hell.”

You crossed your arms, “They've gone through war.”

“These men more than most. They're what's left of the 107th.” Peggy agreed and you winced. What these men had seen seemed to make hell seem heavenly.

Steves' eyes went wide. “The 107th?” He was up and running to the command tent before Peggy could even respond. You and Peggy shared a glance before chasing after him through the rain.

Col. Phillips sat signing what were presumably condolence letters at his desk in the back fo the tent as steve rushed up to him. Phillips looked up just barely before returning to the letters. “If it isn't the star-spangled man with a plan. What do I own the pleasure.”

“I need the casualty list from Azzano,” Steve said with unexplained urgency.

Phillips looked up from his papers with a glare. “You don't get to give me orders.”

“I just need one name,” Steve continued, “Sergeant James Barnes of the 107th.” The name tugged the back of your memory, you had heard it somewhere before, in a museum maybe? That was right, you recalled the handsome picture of a soldier engraved in stone in the howling commando exhibit at the Smithsonian. He had been the one that died. Steve lost his best friend. You gave him a pitiful look as he argued with Phillips, you had always thought that Barnes became a commando before dying.

“But I don't expect you to understand that because you're a chorus girl.” Phillips's harsh words pulled you out of your thoughts.

“I think I understand just fine,” Steve responded coolly.

“Then understand it somewhere else, if I read the posters right you have somewhere to be in 30 minutes.” Phillips moved passed him to look over maps with another officer, making his stance on the conversation clear.

“Yes sir,” Steve said, studying the large map board in front of him, “I do.” He turned on his heels and rushed out of the tent, leaving you and Peggy in his wake.

“I’ll go after him,” Peggy whispered to you. “We need maps and supplies, whatever you can think of, then meet us in the hangar as soon as you can.”

You nodded letting Peggy follow after Steve. You stood there for a moment, pretending to study the map board before quickly and casually taking a smaller map off Col. Phillips desk and slipping it into your coat. With a nod to the nearest officer, you walked out of the tent and into the rain.

Already thoroughly drenched from your previous two treks thought the rain, you didn't bother trying to shield yourself from the downpour as you made your way to the nearest storehouse. Knowing Peggy, they were probably going to get court-martialed with whatever she had planned, so might as well go the whole hog and steal any supplies Steve might need.

You grabbed a gunny sack as soon as you entered the storeroom and started filling: A compass, multiple rations of food, a blanket, flashlight, rope, matches. Anything and everything that you could think of that he might need should he get lost. ‘Cause God knows, the way he was charging off, he damn well didn't consider any of this.

“Hey!” A guard called to you. “You aren't authorized to take any of this!”

You slung the sack over your shoulder as the guard approached. “Youll find that I am, private.” You bluffed. “Under official SSR orders. Unless that is, you want to waste Col Phillips time clearing it with him first?” The guard blanched at the mention of Phillips's name.

“No, Ma’am!” He said quickly, stepping out of your way. You gave a sharp nod before escaping the warehouse. you started toward the Hangar before pausing and looking at the stage. A devilish smile came over you as you changed your course.

The backstage was empty when you entered, likely all the actors and dancers were still on break, leaving the costumes unguarded. Because, really, who on earth would want to steal them, besides you. You hummed the tune to ‘star-spangled man’ as you picked up a helmet with a large white ‘A’. One thing was for sure, steve was going to save the 107th in (extremely questionable) style.

Peggy, Steve, and Stark were waiting at the hangar when you arrived, helmet in hand, a grin plastered across your face. “You know, for a star-spangled man with a plan, I'm wondering if you've ever had a plan in your life.” You teased, handing him the helmet and sack of supplies.

Steve gave you a look as he fiddled with the helmet, “In all fairness ma’am, you haven't known me long.”

“First impressions mean a lot, Rogers.” You shrugged, moving onto Peggy. “Though I’m not sure if this plan is much better than no plan,” You said in a low voice only Peggy could hear.

“We don't have many other options at the current moment.” Peggy defended as Steve and Stark boarded the plane. “Unless you somehow convinced Col. Phillips to give us an army.”

“I'm not a miracle worker.” You sighed.

“You said he was able to do this single-handed, we just need to have faith.” Peggy took a deep breath, even she didn't seem completely convinced.

You nodded, “Time to prove the history books right. I’ll stay grounded to try to keep the colonel distracted. Go.” You gave a mock salute as the plane took off, leaving you behind.

Keeping Phillips occupied until the plane returned proved to be quite easy. He was already extremely busy, and with some strategic playing dumb and careful excuses as to why you were doing Peggy's work, he was none the wiser until the plane landed the next morning. Then the shit hit the fan.

Steve didn't come back. Two weeks after the flight to Austria and there was absolutely no sign of him either. Phillips was furious, you did everything in your power to avoid him, though you knew it wouldn't be long before consequences came. There was a good possibility that your chance to get home was lost if Steve didn't show up.

You sat on the ground against a tree, picking at your fingers. At this point, you didn't even care about getting home. Instead, you couldn't shake the guilt of getting an avenger killed before the avengers were even a thing. The guilt of it alone made it difficult for you to even sleep at night. you would have gone into Austria yourself to find him, if Phillips hadn't expressly forbidden it, and kept an armed guard on you 24/7 as a baby sitter.

“You look like a child that's been sent to the headmaster,” Peggy said looking down at you.

You nodded, “Feel like it too.”

“Do you regret helping him?” Peggy asked, voice tight.

You sighed and looked up at her, “I regret not helping him more.” You admitted, “I teased him about not having a plan, and then didn't even try to give him one. I could have followed that dumbass into Austria myself.” The young soldier acting as your baby sitter shifted uncomfortably. “Stop acting like you've never heard a woman fucking swear Simmons.”

“Y-yes ma’am” He stammered and you rolled your eyes.

“We did everything we could for him,” Peggy reassured, ignoring Simmons. “He would have walked to Austria if we didn't help him.”

You laughed weakly, “I’ve done stupider things.” You paused for a beat, biting your lip, “Peggy, I, I’m sorry about this all. I could tell how much you liked him.”

Peggy swallowed, “Yes, well. I'm glad he wasn't stuck as a dancing monkey.” She cleared her throat, “I'm going to speak with Col. Phillips if you would like to join me.”

You scoffed, “No, I'd rather him find me if he wants to chew me out.” Peggy nodded and left you sitting under your tree. No doubt Phillips would be in a bad mood. He was finally calling off the searches today, officially labeling Steve Rogers as KIA. God, if only you had just gone with him as back up, at least then either he would be alive or you’d be too dead to care.

You threw your head back in frustration as hoots and hollers came from the front of the camp. Soldiers began running to the gates, curious, you joined them. You gasped when you saw what the soldiers were congregating for.

A hundred some odd men came marching through the gates, Steve Rogers, Captain America, leading the way. Cheers rippled through the crowd as the group walked through the camp, stopping in front of Col. Phillips. You slipped between the men in efforts to get a better view.

“Hey!” The man next to steve yelled, making you freeze, surprised, as you saw the familiar handsome face of a man you had only seen in museum exhibits. “Let's hear it for Captain America!” The crowd roared, men throwing their caps in the air, whistling, yelling, clapping. You found yourself clapping too as Barnes’s eyes locked onto yours for a brief moment. He smiled faintly as he caught sight of you, a sparkle of something in his steel-blue eyes as you shifted your attention to finding Col. Phillips.

You moved through the crowd in search of him, only to find him missing from it. you soon found him exactly where you expected him to be, the SSR command tent. you wore a sly smirk that would have read ‘I told you so” Had he bothered to look up at you. Instead, he focused on packing away his desk. “Don't think for a moment that just because Captain Rogers came back that you're off my shit list Agent L/N.”

You frowned, “He saved at least a hundred and fifty men. I played a part in that.”

“And that’s exactly why I'm not court martialing you for theft of government property.” He said as he tucked away a folder into a box. “Tell Agent Carter to pack her things, we’re returning to London for debriefing first thing tomorrow.”

You scowled, “Yes sir.”

#bucky barnes #bucky x reader #bucky #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x y/n

55 notes · View notes

astraea-writes · 7 years ago

Text

To Kiss A Girl- Davey Jacobs x Reader

alright so i guess im just gonna post davey fics until ben fankhauser falls in love with me??

requested by anon, so sorry for the delay! these go alongside my college headcanons from the other day, and i most definitely am going to rewrite this in the future with better structuring, but i wanted to get this out asap!

please listen to "to Kiss a Girl" when you read bc itll make so much more sense i promise

as always my inbox is always open

warnings: drinking

Hey! Y/N! Get a pape from your favorite newsie?" Jack yelled from across the quad. You laughed and made your way towards him. winter break was over, and today was the first day of the last quarter of the school year. Your last class of the day had just gotten out, and you were already exhausted from the amount of work you knew you'd have before this year was out. "Katherine's still got you passing out the school newspaper for her?" you asked, taking the paper and sliding it into your bag. "My girl just made rising editor in chief for next year" he beamed, and you smiled at how in love with her he was. You were quickly pulled out of your thoughts, however, when you felt an arm wrap around your waist and turned to see Davey. "Hey, study night at the library?" He asked and when you nodded he dropped his arm and blushed at the instinctive contact. It was a common occurrence for the two of you to spend countless days studying and talking while the rest of your gang was out getting into trouble somehow. Jack chuckled at the awkward exchange. "Well well, if it ain't the other half of the loveboids" he greeted Davey, winking and slugging him on the shoulder. You rolled your eyes. "Shouldn't you be off fawning over Katherine like a lost puppy somewhere?" you teased and Jack playfully shoved you. " ah come on, you two knows there's something goin on here! You twos have even kissed!" He accused, waving his hands around wildly, gesturing to the small space between you and your best friend. You couldn't help but look down and smile at the memory, but you quickly recovered as Davey went still. "It was New Years, Jack. And I seem to recall you getting us tipsy on champagne, and then pushing me into him as the ball dropped" "I elped a little, but you twos were the one who did it!" He protested. You smiled and shook your head. "I know there's no point to arguing with ya, even if I'm right, so I'm just gonna leave now" you laughed. Jack smirked at the glare Davey gave him and you pulled him away before he could get too annoyed. "Sorry i wasn't much help back there" he muttered once you were out of Jacks hearing range. "Don't worry about it. I can take care of myself" you laughed. The rest of the walk was full of conversation about how Davey finally got to see Les during winter break and your crazy family stories. The two of you instinctively made your way to your table, in the back of the library by the law books no one ever needed so no one would bother you. You hadn't even bothered to stop at your dorm and grab any textbooks, you knew that you and Davey would probably wind up talking so much that nothing would get done-it was rare for the two of you to have been apart for this long. "Why'd you want to study?" you asked as Davey pulled out his laptop. "Have you even been assigned anything yet?" "No" he admitted, "Im just stressed. You know how I took that music composition class last semester?" You nodded and he continued "well our final project was to write a full length song but our class was struggling so much that the professor gave us winter break to finish it. But now, I have to perform it in a week and it's no where near good enough" You laughed as he ranted. "Davey, you're an amazing writer. I'm sure it's amazing, even though you refuse to let me hear it." He shook his head. "There's no way you're hearing it" "at least play it for me then?" You countered, and knowing that you wouldn't stop until he did, Davey slowly got up and made his way towards the piano in the lounge of the library, where students were free to relax and play anything they wanted. He sat down and began to play the most beautiful melody you had ever heard. You stared at him as his hands moved all over the keys and his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. You thought back to what Jack had said, about New Years Eve.

You and the gang of boys Davey and Jack had gathered had decided to go home for Hanukkah and Christmas, but come back to school for a New Years Party to end all New Years Parties (according to Spot Conlon). You had showed up to a pretty little club to find the boys drinking like no tomorrow, save for Davey who was in the corner waiting for you. As the two of you spent the night in conversation, Jack got more antsy as the night went on, telling the both of you that tonight was the time to finally get together about every twenty minutes, and the two of you had rolled your eyes and laughed his drunken shpeals off each time. Two minutes to midnight he had pressed glasses of champagne and probably something else into your and Daveys hands, and pushed the two of you together. You fell into Davey and his hand went to the small of your back as your hand grabbed his shoulder for support. Taking a sip of champagne and setting the glasses down, the two of you maintained eye contact, still pressed against each other. You couldn't speak, mesmerized by his eyes, by the way he was looking at you like you were the only person in the room. As Jack screamed the countdown, you decided to screw it and quickly pressed your lips to his. It was only for a moment, a single kiss, but he kissed you back and you felt every firework and sparkle that had been promised to you by corny love songs and cliche movies. The Newsies yelled and cheered once the two of you pulled away, staring at each other like you were meeting for the first time. Once the boys finally dispersed to go and taunt Jack and Katherine, who were very publicly making out in the middle of the dance floor, you turned to go with them, but Davey grabbed your hand and pulled you back to his chest. Before you could ask what was wrong, he cupped his hands around your face and kissed you. The two of you stayed like that, kissing painfully slowly, lips moving together in perfect sync, knowing that once you pulled away this would all end. After several minutes you had to break the kiss, and when your eyes met there was absolutely no denying that you were in love with this boy and always had been.

But you hadn't done anything about it. Davey walked you to your dorm, made sure you got to your bed safely, and left. When you woke up the next morning, there was a glass of water and an aspirin on your desk and a text message on your phone from Davey, apologizing for leaving so soon but he had to catch his train back home, and apologizing for last night. You had stayed in bed, silent tears moving down your face, because the boy you loved was sorry he kissed you and there was nothing you could do about it. "Y/N?" Daveys voice pulled you out of your thoughts, and quickly wiped away a tear you hadn't realized was forming. "Sorry," you laughed softly. "Just, God, Davey, that was beautiful. So so beautiful" He blushed and thanked you, quickly walking back to your table. "So when do I get to hear the actual lyrics??" you asked slyly. "Never." He responded flatly. "Come onnnn Davey, Im your best friend" you pouted, making him laugh. "Its just, personal, okay?" he said defensively. "Mm hmm, okay. But there's nothing that you can't write amazingly, and nothing you can't sing because I have 100% heard you singing in the shower so there's no denying that Davey Jacobs. And if you don't want me to listen to it, then fine, but nothing is going to change the fact that it's probably already my most favorite song ever" you told him sincerely, and he blushed, still not used to your compliments after years of friendship.

But it really wasn't fine. Because you couldn't let it go.

"Okay just tell me what it's about" you begged, lying upside down on Jacks bed as Davey cleaned up his side of the room. "Nope" he smirked and you groaned in agony. "Davey come on there's nothing I don't know about you" "You don't know what I'm gonna sing" he laughed and you threw one of Jacks pillows at his head. "Davey come on I'm literally dying. Is it about me? About Jack? About your hidden love for girly Starbucks drinks?" you jokingly guessed, standing in line at your local Starbucks. Davey recited both of your orders and then turned back to glare at you. "Y/N I'm seriously not telling you. It's personal and stupid and once I get my grade I'm never speaking of it again, okay?" he sighed as the two of you walked to class. "That makes me incredibly sad because I know everything you do is ridiculously amazing" you smiled, and he only rolled his eyes.

After a week of begging and unsuccessfully bribing, Davey's performance day was here and you still weren't even told where it would be. That was, until Jack came pounding on your door. "Y/N! So a friend of Katherine's is in Daveys music class and a friend of hers is the stage manager for the theatre they're using and if we go right now then we can get there in time to sneak in!" he yelled, and you had barely grabbed your coat before you were out the door. Jack was the only person as impatient as you, and Daveys secrecy had been driving him crazy as well. The two of you made it to the school theater in record time, sneaking in to the back entrance that had been left open for you. You two made your way to the back of the house, and ducked into the last row of seats as Daveys name was called. He shyly walked up to the piano, and began to play the melody you had heard just the week before. His face slowly relaxed as he calmed his nerves, and hesitantly he began to sing. You were immediately stunned. His voice was pure and perfect, echoing off the walls. And then he got to the chorus. You felt Jacks eyes land on you, but you couldn't look away from Davey. Was he really singing about you? Could he really have felt the same way? You barely blinked, smiling wider than you thought possible, tears pooling in your eyes. And right before the final chorus, Davey turned to look out into the crowd and your eyes met. With a mix of both fear and confidence that only he could have, he belted out the final notes, and as he finished the song, you ran up to the bottom of the stage as the professors and the rest of the class burst into applause, Jack cheering the loudest. Davey made his way down to you from the stage, and all of his embarrassment melted away as he saw the look in your eyes. He ran up to you and you didn't hesitate to grab his collar and pull him into you, kissing him like you had been waiting to for so long. His hands wrapped around your waist and he deepened the kiss, the applause growing even stronger. There was no countdown or champagne, but you knew this was a new beginning for the both of you.

#davey jacobs #davey jacobs x reader #davey x reader #newsies fic #newsies x reader #newsies fanfiction #newsies #ben fankhauser #jeremy jordan #jack kelly #katherine plumber

182 notes · View notes

thegloriousbluerose · 7 years ago

Photo

I was thinking to share this at my instagram… But I think this place is more suitable to say everything… ✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️✴️

I was just a little girl then I find Japanese culture. It was an inspiration for me. Nobody knew about this except my family. After some time I was tired of my music playlist (there was basically only jrock music) and I wanted some new music. I searched on YouTube and I find BIGBANG - Haru Haru. It was the ending of 2009. At that time I recognised South Korea music and culture too. After a while I find BIGBANG forum.. I registered and at 20100213 I become an official fan of BIGBANG, VIP. I was happy. Really. Because of them I fell in love with music, I started writing… And Im still doing that. I was so happy.. Later on I find Shinee’s Ring Ding Dong MV. And I was impressed with Jonghyun’s voice… Lucifer MV’s I was impressed with Taemin… From YG ent I supported BIGBANG. They are really meaningful to me. They built my personality. I am thankfull to them. From SM ent I supported Shinee.. Everything were fine… Later on I find attractive other groups like Super Junior, FTISLAND, UKISS, GIRLS GENERATION, The Trax, 2ne1, 2PM and so on. I was kind of multifandom person. But everything changed… Actually nobody supported let’s say so my hobby… At school I was bullied because of this desicion. My family couldn’t transfer me to another school so easily because my mom was a teacher at that school and she would be scolded if the school would lost their student… (it was a small school so every person was needed if that school wanted to exist). So I decided to fight until 8th grade. Because after 8th grade I could leave that school and go to Gymnasium (9th - 12th grade). It was hard. I spent all breaks with earphones, listening to korean pop music and imagine things, how I gonna go to MAMA awards and to see them all… Or going to the concerts, even being on the same stage (I was studying at music school since 2nd grade until 12th grade). I waited till I can come back at home and write my fanficion or my diary. But I was just in a 6th grade. My mental health was never strong enough. Especially after my only friend/classmate decided to go to another school after 5th grade. She was my only friend who at least tried to support me. But desicion was made by her parents. I was shocked. I was thinking that if Im friends with someone it would last forever.. It was so childish of me. We stopped talk to eachother really soon. I tried to became friends with other girls in my class.. But for them I was always a weirdo. But one of them somehow started to see me as her friend. I was happy. I think now I could finally be happy.. But she do not support me, I had to be with them other person. I changed my personality so easily. I stopped listen to a music I really loved and I was still bullied by my boys in the class. They even punched me to my stomach, kicked my legs. My mom was shocked… She had a conversation with two of them. She told them: “What do you think if she couldn’t have a child in a future?”. I couldn’t understand what that means… I just wanted everything to be over… I wanted to be happy. I find rock music and emotional people like me also. At that moment I was thinking this is the great path to choose, finally I have someone I can talk with… But it was a big mistake of me… I started to see my demons… And started to think about life meaning… Why people are dying.. Why we have to.. At 7th grade I transformed to emo style… My mom was sad… I was sad and screaming all the time at home… My little sister came into this world.. And I was not the only one… In the family. That fact.. It was easy to understand. I was happy. Just for a some moments… But I was still lonely.. I tried to be back with Korean music.. But it was too hard for me… Later on, I finally made into Gymnasium. New people. Everything should be fine, right? It wasn’t. Because of some metalistic girl I break a law. I was drinking alcohol near the church then police came. I wasn’t drinking much. But still. It was bad. But because I wanted to be loved by others I made that stupid desicion… After that incident.. I started to think more about myself. I wanted to runaway from myself… I wanted to be happy, kind person I was… But I couldn’t comeback… When I tried, my new classmates started to bullying me. They taken my things and putting somewhere else. Not all classmates were like that. I started to friends with one classmate. But still she hated my taste in music. She laughed at me… Even though she supported that emo side… Why girl.. Why… She also lefted me like my first friend. I even didn’t knew anything about that… But I was happy because it was hard with that class too. I also started to date my classmate… It was such a big mistake… I did that because I guess I didn’t wanted to be alone… But I was alone… I had a band at that moment… And after one concert I felt embarrassed… Nobody loved music in my band like I did… I realised.. That for other members.. It was just a game… And actually all that rocknroll damn emo thing… It makes me so annoying… I was really tired of that… So.. I disbanded my band. I focused on education and I also breakup with my classmate after 2 months in relationship. I finally started to recover… 11th grade was finished. I started to listen to korean music, I was so happy. Finally I had a true friends and they supports me. I also was happy because my mom give a birth to my little brother.. I was soo happy… But at my 18 bday my other classmate… Who was friend with that classmate who I used to date decided that he also could get me and that would be easy… I was shocked.. Because I couldn’t see him more than just a friend… He kissed me… And I couldn’t stopped him. It was disgusting.. But I didn’t wanted to hurt him. (eventually I did…Because I hurted his feelings). So, after my bday at the next day June 23 we had a goodbye party at my friends house. Because she was leaving to Norway for a summer. She is from my first class.. That girl who I mention before. Who started to be friends with me at 6th grade. At that party was my childhood friend who decided to bring his friend. We didn’t knew him. And what is ironic? That friend he eventually became my boyfriend. My first and still the only one true relationship. We started dating at 20150711. He was amazing. I was happy.. Finally someone really likes me. And appreciate me. But at that same month 20150721 my friend from Turkey was murdered at the bomb attack. That was really hard to deal with it. It broke my soul. My boyfriend helped me… But sometimes I cried like crazy… And after his death I started to listen rock music once again. And this time it was like a trap. My boyfriend. I though he liked Asian culture like I did.. But it wasn’t a case. He just wanted impress me. So it became hard to believe him. We fought a lot. And I was at 12th grade.. I have my graduation exams.. I also had to decide what I want to study after finishing school.. It was a really stressful time. But I decided to stop. I decided to once again focus on a dream I had as a kid. So 20160901 I started my korean language studies at university. It was new place, new community, new city, different people. But we all love Asia… And it was a great desicion… For me at that moment. Eventually, my boyfriend decided to left me… And at that same damn day he almost did not raped me. It’s hard… We were together for 1 year and almost 3 months. He never pushed me. Idk what happened to him that day… And he lefted me. It was… For me… Such a big deal. Because I give him all me, my soul, my body, my heart.. We were talking about life together.. And he wanted that. Not me. He was who suggested that. But he decided to choose bar, beer, girls over us. I fell in a deep depression. I started to have trust issues. And I still have it. I lost my friends at university, they couldn’t deal with my negative minds… I was toxic for myself and others… I had just one friend… And she is still by my side. I love her… But she also didn’t knew how to help me. It was the first time I really wanted to end everything… I cut my wrist… (Im left handed), I drink two beers and one spiritual alcoholic drink.. I even filmed myself… I really couldn’t believe he lefted me… He throw me.. I was just a used b*tch like he told my friend… My life was broken. Because of him I didn’t want to go to Korea… I loved him.. And I wanted to be a great woman for him… I was blinded by feelings that he even disrespected. And after that incident… My ex’s sister tried to lock me at the hospital.. To take a treatment… But psychiatric told me that I could deal with everything by myself. I believed in that but at the same time I pushed that. After some time other boys wanted to be my friends from university… But they wanted to be more than my friend…. I couldn’t.. I was still his girl… And they lefted me… Two more people throw me like I was a trash… After 6 months after my break up I started to heal. I started to fight… I went to organisation.. I though I find new people.. But it was once again a failure. They never saw me as I am one of the organisation’s members… It was hard.. They started gossiping about me and lying things after I left… Also my physical health went worst… I couldn’t believe how people could do that to me… I want to be wanted but you just all are using me as you wanted and then you throw me like a trash… Also some other guy used me as a cure from his breakup… And he made up with her later… At that time.. I wanted to kill myself… To really kill myself… I was exhausted… About Everything… I didn’t see any light in my life once again… It was a second time then I…. I… Cut my right hand… And I still have those scars… But I managed to reach my 20th bday. It was at this summer… I decided to be myself… I started to go with my bestie and my childhood friend to hangout.. Everything was fine. Until I find one guy… I don’t know why… But I tough Im finally free so I could be trying to trust someone else… And it was a bad desicion. Because my childhood friend tried to touch me… Even he knew everything what I went through… He said it was a joke..but I was traumatised.. I tough that all men wants just that… I realised that I couldn’t trust the new guy, so I wanted to cut all the connections with him… Guess what… He already slept with another girl at the festival… Even though he knew my past and even though he told me he likes me and want to be with me… And he told me after that, that it was my fault that he had done that. Because he tough that I hated him… I was shocked… But I realised that he would never gonna push me over to the same damn thing that I already went. No. I cut all the connections with my childhood friend and him. Finally I was free. Second year of university started. I decided to focus on my education. I started to listen more kpop. And my puzzle were almost finished. However, that guy who used me as a cure.. He came back… And he wanted a help from me. To be just his friend… I couldn’t push him. Because of what I went through… Even I released that cut I made because of him was so stupid action… So I helped… I was a fool… He used me once again… Even though I believed in him… He also tried to impress me and that’s why he always listened to my darkest thoughts. I still couldn’t trust no one… My friend circle that I was building really hard… Just one friend was left.. Thank you God… She is still with me… Im still critique myself… Because of my choices… So… He decided to left me until he recovers from his breakup. When he texted me I decided to stop. I stopped. I studied hard, supported my family, I was smiling and happy, I decided to take an opportunity to have a second major at business administration… I was happy… I survived this winter exam session. My holidays started… I went to my parents house. I was listening kpop music BIGBANG, PENTAGON, WINNER and so on… Even Shinee old songs… And I remembered my old school days… When I found this KWORLD… And how it actually makes me happy… They built my personality… Even though I had these ups & downs… They always were my reason why Im still looking and believing into future. And I was pushing this pure world so many times because of others… Because I couldn’t stand loneliness… Because I was afraid to be an artistic mind person who I am since birth… I was so afraid that I wanted to die… But at every time I wanted I looked at BIGBANG and at SHINEE and others kpop groups… They helped me to reach my 20s… And finally I find peace… At December 18th morning I dreamed that Im with alot of people I don’t know… And I saw a boy with dark hair he told me that he is finally going to be free… I couldn’t see his face… I Even don’t know if his hair were really dark… After that I saw an animal dying in a river… And then I wake up. I saw all news about Taeyang weddings & I was so happy for him. At that time in Korea was around 15pm… And you know… He was still alive… He was still preparing.. While I was screaming from happiness… My friend from Korea told me if I knew what happened.. Of course I didn’t… And after I heard… I just couldn’t believed… I was waiting… And waiting… For the statement.. But I already knew… He was dead… I felt really bad… I though if I was more supportive… If I was more stronger to deal with myself… Maybe I could saw his signals… I was angry and Im still am. People commenting about depression how is hard and so on… It looks like it is easy to talk about it… But it’s not… I opened everything for the first time… Because I want to tell people what it is really means to suffer… How it is hard to find a light… I was thinking about my little siblings… What if something happens to my parents? Im an adult… I have to take my siblings… I have responsibilities… I just can’t left them alone… Even though it’s really hard to live…. And after I had reading his letter… I though that Im reading one of mines… I was telling so many same things… I was asking same damn things even before his death.. And Im still asking… I hate death… I do not want to put my parents in a box and hide it like some used trash…. I just can’t… And these kind of thoughts push me to go and do not try to kill me…. You know what people are saying that the third time…. I had my two… Im really afraid… Because his death… Made my childhood world shaking… I thought they would for me… But Because of my mental I couldn’t be for them… Even though Im tried… And then I finally really came back… Jonghyun 오빠… Decided to die at my mom’s birthday… Moms bday, Taeyang wedding… I was so happy… And then boom… Sadness made a comeback to my life… I just want to be happy… I just want to know why we are killing eachother… I just want to know what is the meaning… I just want to be happy… But life saw me as a trash… Since beginning… And Im fighting.. And I even do not know for what… I do not believe in love anymore. I do not trust people anymore. Mates at my uni don’t like me… They laugh at me then I though I was doing everything fine… I just though that KWORLD would be still the same… Im sorry… Im really sorry… For everything.. Those feelings you shared… I know it all. Im depressed since I was a kid… But Im telling to myself that everything is going to be alright… It have to … But you are not here… Im sorry… Im really sorry… Maybe if you had readed my stupid life story.. Maybe you knew that you are not alone… Im also not talented I can’t write anything… No one notice my makings… I don’t know how to deal with it but Im trying… Im afraid but Im trying… Im really thankful to you. And to you who readed this rock of my heart… I just wanted to help everyone who reached me in my life. I want all people to smile. So please SMILE.

Rest well, Kim Jong Hyun, the Angel of Shinee.

#story #of #my #life #first #time #telling #all #shinee #jonghyun #shawol #vip #south korea #thank you #let me out #mad world #rest in peace

8 notes · View notes

rqs902 · 5 years ago

Text

this became just a random summary of my thoughts on mainly yu gengyin (with other kids sprinkled in lol) throughout various episodes of season 2, which may or may not be presented in any sort of logical flow or order, just a warning....

i feel like yu gengyin is normally a calm boy, pretty direct, but keeps his composure. but this pose right here, i can relate to his contempt for zhou wen HAHAHHAHHAHAAHAHA HES SO DONE HAHHAHAHA

i havent even started the episode yet but i saw they’re gonna perform exo’s wolf and just started LAUGHING HAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA I NEVER HTGOUHT HAHAHH NOT THIS SONG HAHHAHAHHAHA

tbh im totally ok with leo not choosing ygy HAHAHAHAHHAHA no offense to him, but he’s not very good at playing the super idol game, so hopefully ygy can shine stronger elsewhere. i feel like this show doesnt show him enough appreciation yet.

HAHAHAHAH YGY IN THE SAME GROUP AS CXK YES IM THRIVINGGG

suddenly leo’s team got very strong lol

but pyj hating hd still lol.... but its ok they have wmt even tho they got a bunch of new kids and the most useless new kid lol.....

i was just complaining about lack of ygy but suddenly there are more flashes to ygy on screen lol... amazing... but he does look really nice in this color

WHEN YGY GOT NOMINATED TO BE ELIMINATED MY HEART BROKE

but tbh for the remainder of the ep i more worried about freaking wumuti looking like he was freaking dying gosh he shouldve gone to rest or something, they really didnt need him to keep standing there after he finished performing. freaking muti pulled off an amazing performance despite his condition and as soon as he exited that stage persona, he literally looked like he was so weak and so pale i was like oh gosh let the boy rest!!! ugh but yea i refuse to believe / am in denial that ygy may possibly get eliminated so i am refusing to think about it LOL. anyway now on ep 6 they literally keep giving him screentime. zfz literally saying the purpose of this mission is to “save ygy” and cxk talking about giving ygy a special role in their perf so he can shine ;_; i love friendship

but im not complaining about extra ygy time ehehehheh he looks like a prince for this stage and i love how he’s still smiling brightly throughout the ep and when aya brought up his status of being nominated for elims he was like ‘can you not say it out loud” and it was jokingly and he was smiling but the downward motion he made with his hands, i was like ah he is trying not to cry?

its interesting bc im almost grateful at least now ygy will get some more attention

wow look how stylish wu muti was in 2016

oof watching ep 7 was painful..... it felt like an ultimate low for gengyin, and even tho we all teared up when zfz was eliminated.... it kinda made sense when he was talking about the colors and how he liked his own color so maybe hes just not meant to be in a boy band and i can agree... ahhhh side note fangzhou and yifan’s friendship ahhhh it makes so much sense why they’re still so close today.... even tho im still SO MAD that deng qiang is still here and fangzhou had to leave.... episode 8 was really FINALLY the break that this team as a whole really needed and im SO HAPPY and relieved for them

this entire season has felt like a low for gengyin, like torture for him, and he really hasn’t gotten a break to shine or to feel success and i feel like to be in that kind of a slump for like 2 months??? thats so sad... and im sure that takes a toll on your mental health. but despite it all, despite being passed up for getting chosen for the special stage, he still was rooting for daidai so cutely like the way he used a silly voice to chant “戴隊戴隊” and so wholeheartedly exclaimed “戴戴太感人了~ 媽呀! 唱得快撕裂了你知道嗎’ I mean, honestly he could’ve easily and understandably felt salty that daidai got that opportunity (even tho we all know gengyin has more vocal ability), but he didn’t. it felt like he truly and fully supported his friend and teammate and that already had my heart going oof

BUT THEN. then watching their practice footage and just watching him regain his confidence and then finally FINALLLYY perform like he was truly enjoying being on stage. after 8 freaking episodes, FINALLY its yu gengyin’s time to shine and i am THRIVING!!! ahhhhhhhhhh i literally stopped after their team’s perf to just absorb all the amazing things they said about him, about his vocals and high notes, and about his dancing improving, and about his rapping being so next level for him, and about his stage presence being the best hes been yet. and the comment the teacher made about how yu gengyin’s personality is just so nice and 善良 that he has had difficulty portraying a powerful stage presence and today he finally saw it, and i think he was just so perfect, im so proud and so happy!!!!!! and wow this stage is everything to me. cxk’s stage presence is already so strong (and btw i loved how kunkun so confidently said “ygy is our main vocal. he will no doubt stand on stage very confidently and perform well” -- i LOVE how much faith cxk has in gengyin, despite all the setbacks gengyin’s faced recently) and the choreo - they made it work for them and you could see them work together and i loved the way liu ye just literally SAW gengyin’s confidence. he saw how gengyin was just somehow so handsome on this stage and i think that says a lot about how much someone’s mental state can truly impact their performance. it hurt my heart to hear ygy describing being at risk for elimination for the past 3 weeks as feeling like he was physically weighed down by the immense pressure. he just seemed so tired, but at least within the last 2 eps the show has taken the time to really highlight how gengyin’s been practicing late at night alone, trying not to let down his team mates and really trying to improve himself. (ugh the fact that he had been practicing his high notes secretly all this time but never got to show it until he broke his voice...) But yes, i literally just watched their team’s performance and paused to type this all out and now im gonna go back and watch their whole segment again, because i love seeing yu gengyin’s transformation and this confident side of him. how can you not love his smile (and the way that they captioned this as "yu gengyin’s signature smile” :’)

man ep 8 is like THE time to be a ygy stan bc hes literally thriving and shining and getting all this screen time and attention and its so well-deserved and ive just been waiting 8 eps but we’re finally here :’) and yes its now official that ygy is my bias on this show i cant turn back now hahHHAHAHHA ive invested too many emotions into this child and you best bet i just changed my phone lock screen to also be ygy HAHHAHAHA its actually the top photo from the pic i just pasted above, bc this performance, that SMILE is EVERYTHING

but also on a darker note, the whole conflict between wu muti and huadi is making me uncomfortable.... honestly i feel bad that ive been hoping their team loses but thats mainly just bc i need deng qiang to get eliminated which would require their team to lose LOL but also this whole thing between muti and huadi is getting out of control and their tempers are p concerning... like tbh we all know huadi has a temper but like muti is firey too and he’s like at a point where he just keeps yelling and being rude so im like theyre both just being rude to each other and its to the point where its starting to affect their team work... oh noo. sigh... from the beginning i thought huadi and muti’s dance styles were so different that they may clash bc theyre both going to try to lead dance practice, but this is way worse, this is their personalities clashing and its much scarier than i expected.

also poor pinlin... man he like got super shafted during the first season imo and now he has to leave season 2 bc of his super serious injury.... ugh seeing his tears of frustration hurt my heart... he has so much talent and deserves more opportunity to show it :( but man his waist injury sounds so bad. the main bright side to all this is zuo qibo getting peer pressured into stepping up as a main vocal and really improving and getting some time to shine too. in season 1, back from when muti was like ‘noo i dont wanna be compared to qibo, hes a good singer’ until now, i dont think we’ve reaaalllyyy gotten too much of an opportunity to appreciate qibo’s vocal abilities because hes not had too much exposure and hes been overshadowed by the kids who have already established their strong vocal abilities. im scared hes under a lot of pressure now, as their leader and main vocal, but im glad hes been doing so well so far, good for him :’) im looking forward to seeing him improve and get more appreciation. i remember he was one of the most popular kids at the end of season 1 (along with cxk and wmt i think?) so i want to believe that he can live up to it. also this is random, but his visuals are really growing on me, like i can see him as a visual now and i think he looked really good this ep!!! to me visuals are cxk wmt zqb djy and maybe also hyf zpl yeeaaaaaaa but i mean ill say again, i just love ygy’s smile :’)

#rants #dont mind me while i wallow in an emotional roller coaster watching a show from 2016 lol

0 notes

weezerdan-blog · 8 years ago

Text

Cliché

summary: Dan Howell is a regular teenager. He goes to high school, he hangs out with his best friends (PJ, Chris, and Phil), and he hates doing homework. He's fairly attractive, enough so to attract the attention of a few girls and secretly Phil. What people don't know about this average teen, is that he isn't so average. Dan Howell is in a popular alternative band. He sings and plays keyboard for this band, known to many as 'Ripping Ivory'. He wears a mask onstage as he sings and is known by his fanbase as Q, even though they know this isn't his true identity.

warnings: panic attack type situation, worry, some sexual references. but all warnings are small this book is overall very nice i just need to warn bc warnings

words: 4100

a/n: this is my first fic so i edited this and read it over many times. please tell me if i have any grammar mistakes or anything. also, im really proud of this so please don't let it flop!!

p.s.s: ik this is a bad title. i write i don’t come up with this crap.

"Dude did you guys hear about how Ripping Ivory is coming here in 2 weeks??" Chris asks as he sits down at the lunch table. Dan doesn't even flinch at the name because of how much his friends talk about the band, but his heart does speed up and he is afraid that they may ask him something and Dan will end up telling them, that he is Q and that's him behind the mask.

Phil nods, "I already got tickets! Are you guys going??" PJ and Chris both exclaim a form of 'yes!' but Dan shakes his head and looks down. "Why can't you go? I could probably get tickets for you if it has anything to do with money"

'Nope, definitely not money' Dan thinks to himself, 'Just the fact that I'll be the one singing at that concert.' "I'm visiting my grandma the day of the concert" This wasn't technically a lie, except for the fact that his grandma was coming to the concert to see him perform. As long as they never see her there then there will be no problems. Dan tries to make sure his family members come to the concerts at different times so no one will ever suspect it. All of his close relatives and his co-workers are the only people who know his secret.

"Oh man, that sucks" PJ whispers. They had all wanted to go together, and Dan had made sure to act excited with them about it weeks prior to get them pumped. Dan is actually very glad that they will be able to come to his band's concert, only part of him wishes he could be in the crowd with them.

The thought of Ripping Ivory without Dan, or Q, makes Dan giggle. It would be David on the bass and Todd on the drums but only David's back up vocals, or any vocals for that matter. Dan did most of the singing.

"We'll take videos and pictures for you." Phil comforts him and gives him a small hug before pulling away.

"Lester's going to have /a lot/ of pictures and videos. We all know how much he loves Q," Chris says and then makes his voice higher and clasps his hands together as he talks again, "Oh my Q! He's so beautiful and his hair looks so soft! I'm going to marry him one day!" Phil shoves Chris from across the table.

"No, Phil talks more about his ass in those tight ass jeans. I wonder how that boy can even breathe in them," PJ chuckles and dodges any attacks from a angry looking Phil. Phil can't look angry so Dan would describe him as looking like an angry goldfish.

'Easy,' Dan thinks, 'You get used to wearing them after a while. They've just shaped to fit my body perfectly.'

Dan then realizes what Phil has been thinking about Q. Q has the same body as Dan, so does Phil like Dan's body too????? Dan's cheeks heat up and his heart rate speeds up at the indirect compliment. Phil was definitely someone that he may or may not have a /tiny/ crush on. I mean, who wouldn't fall for him?

"I mean, maybe you could come to another concert with us another time..." Chris says, trying to lighten the situation. "It's okay, I will. I heard panic! is coming in November," Dan says and smiles, suddenly changing the topic to that.

Dan and Phil both walk to Phil's house together. Phil walks up the sidewalk to the front door and opens it up. "Thanks for coming over, I really needed someone to hang out with. My parents have been gone for 2 days and it's lonely."

"Not that I don't want to be here, because I do, but why couldn't Chris or PJ come??" Dan asks curiously.

"They're probably having sex."

"That's true. Not a mental picture I needed though"

"Sorry.. but now I have it too so we're even"

Dan's phone buzzes in his pocket and he picks it up, checking the new message. It's in his band's group chat from their manager, Sara, to the band group chat. 'BAND STUFF' was too obvious so they settled for the next best option.

FROM SARA (to BNDSTF)

meet at arena, they're letting us go up early to practice / get some things done before the concert.

Dan sighs, "Phil, I'm really sorry but I have to go.."

"What, why?"

"Family emergency."

Phil has been getting suspicious of a lot of these random having to leave things and family emergencies, but he doesn't say anything because what if his mum was really in the hospital or dying?? Then Phil would be a terrible friend.

Phil just nods, "Go ahead. Text me if you can? Anything is better than being alone."

Dan nods back, "Of course"

FROM DAN (BNDSTF):

omw

Dan slides on his mask, a plain black covering that went around his eyes and the top of his nose. Dan also pushes his hair up into a quiff for shows so no one will be able to tell him from his fringe.

Ripping Ivory's shows are what Dan calls 'Literally the best thing you'll ever go to'. There's lights, smoke, audience participation (consensual of course), and wardrobe changes for different parts of the concert.

Dan wears his black skinny jeans most of the concert and changes his shirts mostly. Unless it's an outdoor concert and halfway through the concert he may change into basketball shorts.

Dan and the rest of the members quickly skim through their songs and then all of them sneak off to decode the entire arena to find the best spots to stay and check out dressing rooms. It is a pre-concert tradition for them to memorize every corridor and backstage thing they can. They may or may not play hide and seek up until they literally call them to go onstage.

FROM PHIL (to Dan):

everything going good with your family??

FROM DAN (to Phil):

yeah sorry about having to leave..

FROM PHIL (to Dan):

it's totally understandable.

"I'm not counting, that round was unfair!" Todd complains and crosses his arms.

Dan laughs and rolls his eyes, "I found you fair and square."

"You didn't tell us you were coming."

"Fine! I'll just count! We have 45 seconds so I'm giving you 15 seconds to run to a spot," David says and puts his hands over his eyes, starting to count (rather quickly too). Dan runs as fast as he can into a closet and slams the door shut and he suddenly hears a small click.

Dan goes into panic mode when he finds the door locked. He starts banging on the door for someone to come open it. "HELP!!!!!" he screams and he waits for a good at least 30 seconds before David opens the door. "Dan we're supposed to be out there! Hurry!"

Dan, Todd, and David all sprint to their spots when entering the stage.

Dan is lifted onto the stage from a middle spot. He runs his fingers through his already pushed up hair and fixes his mask. "Hello London!" he says happily and the crowd starts shouting. Dan walks up and starts high-fiving people from the front of the pit. "Sorry for starting so late" Dan giggles a bit, "I got trapped in a closet" He widens his eyes a bit and smiles.

"But no one here came to hear me complain about my life so lets start out with some 'Focus on her'!" The crowd shouts loudly and Dan smiles a very happy smile.

Dan walks forward to the front of the stage as he sings. For this song and the next two songs after he will be wearing this white button-up that is short sleeve and has small black dots on it. Most of his wardrobe is monochrome because of his mask and jeans but some parts he has more bright clothes.

Smoke rises up on both sides of Dan and around the rest of the band and lights flash in all directions.

The next three songs finish way faster than anyone wanted. Dan and the other members run backstage as they play a video for the crowd that is enough to keep them on their toes for the next song.

Dan runs out after the video just ends. He is now wearing a Kanye West 'Yeezus' shirt that he just threw on because he'll be doing the 'It Game' after the next song.

The It Game is whenever he has one of his security guards pick a random girl or guy from the audience. Then he sings them one of their more lovey songs (as much as Dan doesn't want to admit it, he wrote the song while thinking of him and Phil). He then asks them a few questions to entertain the audience and give the 'It' a good experience to remember. The 'It' is able to leave the stage with backstage passes for whoever they came with and a kiss on the cheek from Q.

Soon enough, Dan is waiting for the spotlight to land on whoever his main guard, Bob, chose to go on stage. "Okay guys, we're now going to play a little game. One of my security guards, and good friends, will be choosing a person from the audience to come up here. If you're asked and don't want to, just say no because I know how bad that can be for someone. Like 'OMG Q why did you force me on stage and make me say my name in front of like a ton of people?!', it's okay because I won't. So Bob, go and find the 'It'."

The crowd cheers and several people jump and hold up signs to try and get onstage. Suddenly a spotlight stops in the middle. Dan can't tell what the person looks like because of how bright everything is but he will whenever they get up on the stage.

Footsteps, the spotlight is put not only on Dan, but his guest. Dan looks up into the eyes and is filled with familiarity. Blue eyes that he could recognize in a sea of people. Out of everyone here, Bob chose Phil Lester. That bastard knew who he was to Dan and chose him on purpose.

Dan smiles and grabs a stool from the side of the stage for him to sit down. He grabs a microphone and hands it to Phil because Dan has a headset mic. "What's your name?" Dan asks with a smile and suddenly /really/ hopes Phil won't be able to recognize him even through a mask.

"Phil."

"Beautiful name for a beautiful man, huh?"

Phil's cheeks go a dark shade of red, "Thank you" he almost whispers.

"I would compliment you more, but I guess singing you a song will work too" Dan smiles at him and Phil's eyes crinkle up into that beautiful smile that Dan loves seeing. "Adorable" Dan says and starts with the song.

Dan finishes the song by walking up to Phil and swiftly pushing the little hairs that had fallen out of his fringe back with the others, giving him a small smile. "So, Phil, where are you from?"

"Here. Me and my friends got so excited whenever we found out you guys were coming, although one of them couldn't make it, but there's always next time"

"Of course, I'm glad you could make it though. Or else you'd never get to be sat on a bright stage with Q."

"My one true dream, finally come true."

Dan laughs and smiles, "Glad I could make it happen. Tell me Phil, is there anyone special in your life right now?"

Phil smiles a bit and looks down, "I would say you but I haven't even taken you to dinner yet" Phil laughs and shakes his head, "No, but in all seriousness, there's this guy I may or may not be on the verge of asking out."

Both Dan and the crowd collectively go 'ooooo' at the same time. Dan props his elbows on his legs and rests his head on his hands, watching Phil. "Tell me more, we have time"

"Well I'm not going to say anything specific because he always seems to know everything about this band but he's really cute and bisexual, and I'm pretty sure that even if I wasn't gay that I still would've fallen in love with him."

"Awwww!! I wish you and your man, good luck" Dan says and he means it because 'oh my shithole, Phil just indirectly told him that he likes/loves Dan???!??!?!

"Thank you" Phil blushes more and smiles.

"Okay, before I so rudely kick you off my stage, how many people did you come here with?"

"Two of my friends and myself."

"Would two of your friends and yourself like to come backstage after the show to hang out??"

"Yes please"

"Aw, such a gentleman. Okay so go see Bob when you exit the stage and he'll get you those passes. See you later!" Dan smiles to himself and walks up to Phil, kissing his cheek.

"These are literally my best friends so don't do stupid things okay?? I'll be hearing all about this tomorrow at school," Dan warns his band members. Todd laughs, "So don't reveal you, show your dick pi-" "I don't take dick pics!" Dan shouts and throws a bottle of water at him, causing it to spill all over Tom and the ground. At this same moment, PJ, Chris, and Phil are all ushered into the room.

David laughs loudly at the situation, "Looks like you have already failed your mission not to embarrass yourself." "At least I don't look like I pissed myself" Dan says and eyes Todd. Todd puts his middle finger up at Dan, "At least I'm not talking about my dick"

"I'll have you know I have a very nice dick"

"No you don't"

"You've seen me naked before you don't have to lie"

"Nah mate, I say that /because/ I've seen you naked"

Dan throws another bottle of water at him and then turns to their guests. "I'm Q, this is David and Todd. Welcome to our humble abode.... er I mean my dressing room."

Chris smiles and steps forward, shaking Dan's hand, "Big fan of your music. Glad to be able to meet you in person."

PJ smiles, "Same for me. I bet it's even better for Phil to meet you, he likes you almost as much as he loves 'Daaaaannn'" Dan hopes no one can see the blush on his cheeks.

Todd walks up and pats Dan on the back, "You've always been popular with the ladies.. and guys too. We have a big LGBT+ audience. I'd say it's a very good thing though, spreading gayness one song at a time."

PJ, Chris, and Phil all leave after about 30 minutes because that's the most amount of time that the guards would let them stay. As they leave, they spot Dan's grandma walking around backstage and talking to Bob.

All three of them walk over to her. Chris decides to talk for them, "Mrs. April?? What are you doing here?" She turns around and smiles at the boys, "Oh boys! It's so nice to see all of you! I just came to see the wonderful show!"

"I thought Dan was going to visit you today? He said that's why he couldn't make it to the concert.." Phil says, suddenly confused. PJ then steps up, "Also.. how did you get back here without a backstage pass?"

Mrs. April smiles at them without it wavering at all, "I have to go" she says and walks away, towards the dressing rooms where they can see Q step out and hug her. Just as he goes inside, he slips off his mask, and leaves the other boys at an angle where they couldn't see his face"

They all sit in the car, left silent with their thoughts as PJ drives them back to Chris' house. "What if Q is Dan?" Phil asks quietly and Chris laughs. Phil shakes his head at him, "It sounds idiotic but it's possible. Dan's grandma came and hugged Q, Dan told us he couldn't come to see us because he was going to see his grandma, and we already know he can sing and play piano. I'm not reaching very far to conclude this- oh my god I admitted to Dan himself that I'm practically in love with him"

PJ smiles sympathetically, "It's okay Phil. We'll find out- plus anytime you said something about it Q got flustered so if it's true maybe Dan likes you back. I think the best way to find out will be to not ask him about it and let it unfold. I have a plan."

That night, the boys went over several plans until they got down the best one that they could think of that should trap Dan into telling them the truth. They decided to go with the plan at lunchtime.

"How was the concert?" Dan asks and Phil smiles. His experience at the concert could be put in the top 3 moments of his life. "Amazing! I got on stage and Q was so hot and cute and he kissed my cheek and I swear it's still burning a hole where his lips touched and we got to go backstage to meet the band!" Phil says excitedly and sits down next to Dan.

PJ and Chris sit down after Phil. "What about you, how was your grandma?" PJ asks and Dan had already guessed that they would ask about her so he was prepared. "She was great actually. Her and my mum talked all night basically and I contributed to about 30% of their conversations. We left her house really late, like 1 or 2."

Chris contorts his face a bit, "So that's why she was at your concert last night? We got to speak to her."

Dan's heart suddenly starts racing really fast, worse than other times. His breathing quickens and the room starts getting smaller. The people talking around him is louder than usual. "I-I've go-tta go-o" he whispers and stands up. The room starts spinning, making it hard for Dan to move. Dan tries to grab onto Phil to break his fall but he completely misses and trips, banging his head against the ground. The last thing Dan remembers before everything going black is the sound of his own sobbing (he doesn't remember crying but he knows it was himself crying), Phil quickly getting on the floor with him, and PJ yelling for a nurse.

Dan barely squints his eyes open. He has a cold washcloth on his forehead and he is in his bedroom. Phil is sitting at the end of his bed and Chris and PJ are on the love seat across from his bed. They haven't noticed Dan woke up yet so he decides to listen to their conversation like the sneaky fuck he is, he shuts his eyes once more.

"Gotta say, that guy is really good at what he does. He's gotten this entire thing past us for 3 years and we only just found out because we went to a concert." The voice is definitely PJ.

"I can understand why he would keep it from us, this is a big deal. He obviously just wants to keep his identity a secret so he can live normally. This crossed a big barrier for him, bringing famous life into his normal life. That episode he had was understandable" Phil says and places his hand on Dan's leg.

"I just want him to know that he can trust us, we've known him since we were all in our moms' wombs. This isn't something I would just go and tell someone," Chris adds to the conversation.

Before anyone else speaks, Dan decides to make his way in. "That's good to know" he whispers and sits up a bit in bed and opens his eyes. All three of the boys all snap their heads to look at Dan. "Don't talk, I want to do this myself." They nod and Dan rubs his hands over his face before starting.

"Hello, my name is Daniel James Howell. I am in my last year of schooling before I go to university, if I even do, and I'm also in a band. I am known as Q, the guy with the mask, or the guy with extremely tight jeans in the alternative band, Ripping Ivory. I sing songs and and play piano with my other best friends, Todd Harris and David York. Now, I may be best friends with them, but I have some even closer friends that I go to school with. I didn't tell them about being in a band because I was scared of judgement or them turning on me. I now realize that I can tell them several things that should be told. Also including the fact that I'm in love with my best friend, who I have even written songs about. Which includes the song that I sang for him last night, in front of an arena of people."

They're quiet for a painful amount of time. Dan decides to add onto his speech, "Our first ever concert- it was in Reading at a small diner. Back then my mask was bright red and had black paint marks on it- I still have that one actually. But anyways, at that concert I had only known Todd and David for 2 weeks. Enough time to learn the songs I had made. At the beginning of the first song we song, I had the worst panic attack I've ever had. The diner was packed to the brim and everyone was watching us. Todd and I sat outside for 20 minutes before I could go back inside and we fucking rocked that show! That show was what bonded me and Todd closer and I still think of the things he told me then whenever I get nervous doing a show or even right now. I shouldn't be scared of talking to you guys about anything, so there goes most of my secrets."

"Most?" PJ asks curiously.

"Well do you want a full list of every person I've ever wanked to?"

PJ then shakes his head at the same time as Phil.

Chris smirks, "It'd only be two people. 1. Evan Peters 2. Phil Lester"

Phil shoots Chris a glare. PJ stands up, "Chris, lets give Dan and Phil some time to talk things out. We can go talk to Dan's mum" Chris nods and him and PJ race out of the room and Chris shuts the door behind him.

"D-Did you really write that song about me?" Phil asks with a pink tint to his cheeks. Dan nods and smiles, sitting up all the way and letting Phil come sit next to him. "Who else would I write about having eyes you could swim in? And making my heart do that little flippy over thing" Phil smiles, "Well now you'll have a new song to write about, about taking chances and finding love, a cliche song about the real life Hannah Montana who meets the love of his life. Dannah Montana." They're both silent for a moment, enjoying each other's company.

Dan smiles at Phil and Phil smiles back, "I'm really proud of you Dan" Phil whispers, cuddling into Dan. "I wouldn't of done it without my 3 best friends being the sneakiest shits ever. Now, lets get to the real stuff. You calling Q hot, and 'oh the things you would do if his jeans were off'." Phil blushes and kisses Dan's cheek, "You'll find out those things in a matter of time, just a matter of time dear"

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #hannah montana au #fanfic #fanfiction #au #alternate universe #dannah montana #kinda tw #not really tho

311 notes · View notes

symbianosgames · 8 years ago

Link

The following blog post, unless otherwise noted, was written by a member of Gamasutra’s community. The thoughts and opinions expressed are those of the writer and not Gamasutra or its parent company.

I used to be a competitive runner and I have a degree in exercise physiology. I coached track for over 15 years, including the UCLA and USA Olympic women's teams. When my running career was ended in 1994 by a drunk driver, my body went into severe chemical withdrawals as my running mileage went from 130 per week to zero. I became arthritic almost overnight and sometimes needed help crossing the street. This also led to a psychological depression, something I had never experienced before.

While I spent some years rebuilding myself physically, I ended up spending a lot of time playing computer games. The advent of online gaming, and especially competitive MMO's, allowed me to compete again without the use of my legs. I believe my endurance training, especially my neurological and endocrine adaptations, gave me an edge. Playing for long hours gave me a high that was not unlike the high I would get running ultra marathons.

I began playing longer and longer hours, and by the time I co-wrote the first paper on virtual good sales with Ashley Dunn of the Los Angeles Times in 2000 I was "...playing 12 hours a day..." which was a conservative estimate. It was my new profession and I was really enjoying it. Given my background, I was under no illusions about just how punishing this was on my body.

When World of Warcraft was released in 2004, I was well trained for the big day. I had been an alpha tester and knew exactly what to do. I was one of the first 100 players world-wide to L60, I did not use the "bare handed rogue" cheat that was in the game the first week, and I started several days late because I switched servers when I realized my start server was hopelessly congested. To achieve this goal playing solo, I played 22 hours a day for 8 days straight. The second player to hit 60 on my server arrived there more than two weeks later.

Playing 22 hours straight for just one day is enough to cause death as described by this article that came out in March of this year.

This article, the lack of public knowledge of what happens in your body when you do extreme endurance gaming, and some recent new trends that will make deaths more common are what prompted me to write this article. Hopefully the information herein can be used to not only improve the performance of cyberathletes, but also save lives.

Exciting games will trigger the "fight or flight" mechanisms of your nervous and endocrine systems. Real time competitive performance-measured games with audiences (like World of Tanks or many multiplayer FPS's) really are capable of pushing us to our absolute physiological limits, which is in part by design since these games are intended to be very exciting and engaging. For short durations (less than an hour) this is not a problem, and can even be healthy.

When dealing with longer durations, participants should be knowledgeable about General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS), which is a pleasant sounding name for something that has three stages. The last stage is generally fatal so I think as more people decide they want to become cyberathletes, education will be important. When I use the term cyberathlete, I really mean these participants are athletes. In traditional athletics, the respiratory system and/or skeletal muscle is highly trained and stressed. When they become exhausted the participant is forced to stop but this is not life threatening. In cyberathletics, the endocrine system is the primarily stressed organ system and when it becomes stressed the General Adaptation Syndrome is initiated. The problem here is that training this system though game play generally makes this system weaker over time, not stronger. So the better you become at cyberathletics, if you dip into ultra endurance activities, the more likely you will have a mishap as you approach elite status.

Cross training as a physical endurance athlete may help strengthen the endocrine system but I think this is essentially non-existent in gamer culture. In my case I started as an endurance athlete and then following my accident crossed over into cyberathletics. I also had the education and clinical experience to take as many protective measures as possible while I engaged in extreme endurance play and my partner during those years was a crack trauma nurse that literally kept an IV set up at my game station. I never ended up needing it, but it was there to threaten me into keeping my fluid intake up. I absolutely would NOT recommend anyone attempt to reproduce any of the feats I describe myself as doing in this paper.

As gameplay continues the human player will progress through the states of the GAS. Epinephrine and norepinephrine will be released early on, giving the player the edge in focus, reaction time, and alertness they need to win. Antidiuretic hormone will also be released to conserve water, lowing urine output. The body will tap into its stores of glycogen in order to guarantee an increased supply of glucose to the brain. Glycogen stores are very limited and generally run out during running marathons in all but the most efficient athletes, causing "The Wall" to be hit. The Wall causes a disruption of glucose supply to the brain and the result is depression and confusion in the early stages. This example from the 1984 Olympic marathon shows what can happen neurologically when you run out of glycogen during competition. I was there in the stadium crying that day as I watched since as a competitive marathon runner competing for Santa Monica College where that race finished I knew exactly what Gabriela was going through and she was an amazing athlete.

I once staggered into the burger joint next to the Venice Pier looking like that and started ripping open all the ketchup packets trying to get glucose. The workers looked really scared and probably thought I was high on PCP. Nostalgia isn't the main reason I use this example though. I want you to look at the crowd. I'm going to come back to that and it is important.

Extreme competitive endurance events also trigger the release of your body's endorphins. These are natural opioids that reduce pain and cause numbness. As a former ultra endurance runner, I can attest that after about two hours you are high as a kite. After 5 hours and 64km (40 miles), like when I was asked to escort the torch bearers into Los Angeles in 1984 (I was an officer on the Olympic security team) the euphoria makes you 100% fearless. I've never tried opioids for recreational purposes, but beta endorphin has (according to the wiki) "approximately 18 to 33 times the analgesic potency of morphine". You can imagine how addicting this could be even though your own endorphins are much safer than any injected opioid. Trying to get that high using morphine would almost certainly kill you. There is also evidence that endorphins improve brain function and I always felt smarter on long runs, at least until I hit The Wall. I would often use that time to try to solve complex problems that were vexing me.

Endorphins are also released during game play. I'm sure this is why competitive endurance gaming ended up replacing my running addiction. I doubt there is any real research on what happens during extreme endurance play. The problem with such research is that it's generally regarded as unethical to conduct research on humans that could cause the subject to die or suffer significant harm. Thus some of what I may describe from first hand experience may not be rigorously supported in research yet, or any time soon.

As your gaming session goes on, the effects of Antidiuretic Hormone (ADH) become more pronounced even though they are largely invisible to the player. The effect we are concerned with here is that while this may conserve water to slow dehydration, it also slows kidney function. Thus toxic urea levels are building up in your blood stream during this entire process, even if you go to the restroom regularly.

As you become fatigued your body will start dipping into the nuclear weapon of stimulants, cortisol. Under the effects of this chemical humans are capable of nearly super human feats of focus. Your brain actually speeds up, making the world around you appear to slow down. It's basically a minor form of bullet time. It doesn't mean your body will speed up like Neo in The Matrix, but the rest of the world definitely seems to move slower. This gives you a lot more time to mentally react to various threats. Cortisol also impairs your immune system and reduces pain.

ADH also affects how electrolytes are excreted, which can in extreme cases (like these) cause an electrolyte imbalance that can disrupt heart function.

Biomechanically, sitting in a chair for a long time will lead to back fatigue and hip flexor shortening that can make standing up difficult and painful. Over several days this can lead to chronic back pain that might require rehabilitation.

If all of these warning signs are ignored then the body will move to the third stage of GAS in a last ditch attempt to overcome threat and avert death. The liver is trying desperately to maintain elevated supplies of glucose to the brain. Fatty acids are broken down to keep your muscles alive and maintain a glucose trickle, resulting in a buildup of poisonous ketones which make you smell sweet, sort of like acetone. You won't notice since it is hard to smell your own blood. Amino acids will be broken down to make extra glucose, especially when cortisol is high, causing urea to build up faster and making renal failure more likely.

Death is certain if the third stage of GAS is maintained, though how long that takes can vary widely depending on the circumstances.

As any parent with gaming children can attest, when a gamer gets "into it" they have a hard time noticing what's going on in real space. After a few hours of high intensity play the effects of cortisol and endorphins mean the gamer is high as a kite. This is a really pleasurable experience, and one that the player is not going to want to voluntarily stop. Players of "casual" or relaxing games may never have this experience.

Under natural conditions a cyberathlete will eventually have to get up to go to the bathroom. At this point, once immersion is broken they might realize that they don't feel good and call it quits. They might "just lie down for a second" and be out for hours. That's good because that is almost always enough to prevent the third stage of GAS. They might not even make it to the bathroom and just pass out on their computer. I've had many a World of Warcraft raid (which in the old days could last 8+ hours, I don't know if that has changed...) where one or more members of the raid became non-responsive because they passed out right there in their chairs during the raid.

The typical solution to the "problem" of sleep is to use a stimulant. There are many legal stimulants that can be used for this purpose, some even marketed specifically for this purpose. Like Red Bull, which I've seen promoted at several E3 conventions. This child decided that was his solution during a 14 hour Call of Duty marathon.

Our World of Tanks player on Twitch decided he just needed more cigarettes.

I never used stimulants during my extreme endurance competitive gaming. Thanks to my degree in exercise physiology and my time doing research on corticosteroid mechanics, I knew that if my own cortisol was not enough to keep me going then I was way over my head. As a good general rule, if you are under threat (including in a competitive computer game situation) and you still are nodding off, then you are in stage 3 of GAS. That stage is called "Exhaustion" for a reason. At this point the clock is ticking. In both of the cases I linked to in this article, the players were dead before they even got out of their chairs. In both cases they felt so bad that they got out of their chairs and started to die. The Twitch player collapsed off camera, did not receive immediate medical attention, and died. The child playing at school went into a coma, got immediate medical attention, and survived after 13 days in the hospital.

If you are going to use a stimulant to improve performance, then you absolutely MUST GET REST AFTER 8 HOURS. If you don't, or if you start using them after 8 hours, then you are playing a very serious game of Russian Roulette. And, every time you play this game, there are more bullets in the barrel because of progressive kidney damage. So it's only a matter of time before you lose.

If you have any related pre-existing medical conditions, then even that 8 hour guideline may be way too much. Being addicted already to caffeine, nicotine, or any other stimulant is a pre-existing condition since these addictions wear you out and leave you "pre-exhausted" before you even start. As with any other athlete, players wishing to compete at this level should see a physician and get a complete physical. You can't adjust for a pre-existing condition if you don't know it exists.

I must add that if a player has hit "The Wall" and is compensating with fat to glucose glucogenesis, and then consumes even a small amount of alcohol, the liver will switch to alcohol glucogenesis as toxin metabolism is prioritized. This is a much slower process and will cause glucose levels to get critically low. The one time it happened to me, when a teammate handed me a wine cooler after a long race, the initial result was severe convulsions. This was the most painful thing I had ever experienced, which is saying a lot. This same teammate (a notorious "drunken runner") identified the crisis immediately ("I've seen this before, this is bad...") and shoved a piece of candy in my mouth. This was exactly the correct response. In this situation glucose or sugar must be administered by IV or orally (sugar can enter the blood stream across the mucous membranes even without being swallowed) immediately or hypoglycemic coma (often called "diabetic coma") will result.

I have not reproduced this effect while gaming because I've never consumed alcohol while gaming. Alcohol would just make an extreme endurance gamer more tired unless it was in a caffeinated alcoholic beverage like Four Loco. Such products were essentially banned in the USA in 2010 but I do not know if they are still available to gamers outside the USA.

Remember Gabriela from the 1984 Olympics? Yea she totally should have stopped before doing her death march to the finish line. She knew it. The audience knew it and was mortified. The medical team there knew it but they could not intervene unless Gabriela gave them the okay. But...she couldn't do that. Not only was she representing her country, but there were thousands of people in the stands clapping and cheering. Hundreds of millions were watching on TV. This moment would define her life. This is an example of what I call Peer Effects, which are central to my personal research. I'm convinced that Peer Effects stimulate oxytocin, a hormone that might induce an even more intense "high" than any other chemical mentioned in this paper.

The body is incredibly resilient. There is no point in stopping if a tiger is chasing you, no matter how tired you are. We are a winning species because we have cortisol and endorphins that let us keep going even in extreme conditions. Peer effects also push us to fight for each other so that we sometimes win against tigers. In a game of World of Tanks, Call of Duty, or a World of Warcraft raid, you've got teammates that are counting on you. This creates a Peer Effect that can push you to keep going.

When I was studying Chinese competitive pay to win game models in 2009 in order to write my thesis paper (Sustainable Virtual Economies and Business Models, never published) I ended up being the top Western player in a game called Galaxy Online. I didn't have any money, I was a starving student. You know how they say you can still win without spending, but you have to invest more time? Well it was still true in 2009 but that's probably why IGG retired GO and rolled out the inferior GO2 which was impossibly P2W. The rest of the industry followed suit if they weren't there already.

In order to be the top player I played round the clock in addition to being really good at these sorts of games. Ultimately the only way the other team could beat my team was if they could attack me while I was sleeping. So they attacked me literally constantly 24 hours a day. I trained myself to sleep with the volume turned up and to automatically wake up (I lucid dream) if the attack ping frequency exceeded a certain rate. This indicated that it was probably hundreds of players attacking me simultaneously in a real attack, instead of the usual background fakes.

The result was continually elevated cortisol levels over a period of weeks. I had heart "wobbling" for hours every day that felt like premature ventricular contractions which I knew was not by itself immediately life threatening (this was during an 18 year period where I didn't have health insurance, but I previously taught cardiac rehab) for me as long as the PVC's did not get too close together. [Again, I must emphasize that if you get chest discomfort during extended game play, you should seek emergency medical attention immediately] I also developed a very unusual auto immune reaction that, after being misdiagnosed three times, caused an Ebola-like reaction that almost killed me while spraying blood in all directions. Cortisol interferes with proper immune function. I knew I had to quit and I did and my faction was overrun shortly thereafter on that server. Looking back, I was pretty lucky I didn't die back in 2009. I can get a little competitive and now I generally avoid playing FPS's or real time competitive games like World of Tanks even while I am in studios making them. This has caused me to be laid off from more than a couple jobs because "Ramin just wasn't into our game" or "part of the team". The truth of the matter is that I'm really good at these sorts of games but for my health I need to be very cautious about not getting sucked into them again on that level.

The most dangerous kinds of games in existence now are those that put you under threat while you are offline. Other than Galaxy Online (and GO2), the games I mention in this article are not those kinds of games. This class of game includes some of the most highly marketed games in the world including games advertised during this year's Super Bowl. The problem is that they encourage you not to sleep. The idea is that if they can keep you playing, they can keep you paying. They also charge you to sleep through the use of "Shields" that prevent you from being attacked for 8 hours or more. Honestly, it's cheaper in the long run (even if you get free medical care) to pay for one of those shields every night and that cost should be factored in if you want to see what the real cost to play is for these "free to play" games.

Some of these games are very popular with children, are made with cartoonish graphics, and are made simplistic enough to be played by even very young children.

Peer Effects can also backfire, encouraging players to play much longer than they otherwise would. This was a problem in both of the situations linked to here. It used to be that in the past these sorts of deaths were much more common in Asia than in the West. There they tend to play in internet cafes where there is an audience, especially if the player is good. This sort of attention can make you play longer, and pay more. This is a big part of why pay to win performs so much better in the East than it does in the West. In the West we play alone which causes us to have more anxiety, depression, mental illness, drug abuse, and we don't spend as much on F2P. But we are also less likely to "play till we drop".

Twitch and the era of eSports (which I've certainly been working to promote) might be changing that. If a player has an audience while they play, are paid for that audience, and there is anxiety that if they stop broadcasting at any time they will lose audience, then there is strong pressure to not leave the seat. Strong pressure to use stimulants. Strong pressure to ignore those warning signals the body is sending. Players could self regulate but that's probably not going to happen as long as the business and social model rewards them for entering the danger zone.

Amazon (the owner of Twitch) could introduce play caps for those they are paying, similar to what airline pilots have for their work hours. Educating them with something similar to this article might also help too. Have they had a physical? I'm not sure if the lawyers would feel this would limit or enhance their exposure, that's really beyond my expertise. My concern is player safety.

Personally, as a designer, I obviously want to be successful. I realize that getting players more engaged, for longer periods, might mean a lot more money for me especially if I am receiving a royalty. I just can't do this in a way that will jeopardize player health. I can't feign ignorance, this is my area of expertise. On my last project (that reached market) where I used secret sauce to improve commercial performance, I only had 10 weeks to build the meta game for World of Tanks Blitz. That product has become the world's top grossing F2P mobile eSports game and is now going multi-platform.

For my next project, which is completely of my design, I'm going to change some things. I'm lowering the adrenal axis stimulation to put less stress on players and require lower levels of engagement. This will allow the game to be played in a much wider range of environments and conditions. It will also allow it to be played longer with lower cortisol levels. At the same time I am introducing new Peer Effect technologies that should make order-of-magnitude changes to how engaged players feel to the game environment even with those lower cortisol levels.

The risk here is that if we use science (especially neuroscience) to making games vastly more engaging than they are now, we could put player health at risk. This process has already begun all over the world in many if not most leading game development studios. Thus my design has built in mechanisms to cut the player off when they've had too much. Sort of like a bar does if a patron drinks too much. I also anticipate warning players not to try to bypass these protections in creative fashion. I won't reward them for it, certainly. Designing these controls has taken me just as many years as designing the lures. If I didn't do this, I fear that if I am as successful as I would like to be then I could harm people. I realize others won't really care and may copy my future designs without these protections. My hope is that consumers will avoid these products if they have a more consumer friendly alternative, and that by that time regulators and platform operators (and of course lawyers) will be sufficiently sophisticated about these technologies that they will be able to intervene.

In an effort to promote consumer and medical education in this area, I'm determined to open source as much as I can about my methods if they prove to be effective. Thus I've been very careful over the last five years when signing agreements with companies to make sure I still maintain ownership of my technologies even while lending them out.

#IFTTT #Blogger

0 notes